I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish.

It's week 3 in Charlotte and things are really heating up. And let me tell you, things get HOT in Charlotte.  (Sarcasm noted.)

The first date this week goes to Chris, the "good looking" guy from Chicago. Chris is the lucky guy to get the first physical challenge date, and this season it's scaling a wall in front of North Carolinian stalkers. At the top, the two lovebirds share dinner, during which Emily realizes Chris is 25 and she internally freaks out. Being 26, she can't remotely fathom anyone that immature having the capability of caring for her and Ricki Bobby. But, after she bears her RIDICULOUSLY WHITE TEETH (veneers), Chris gets a rose and they dance the night away publicly to Luke Bryan and his "Boom Boom" song.

The group date is a fun one. All the boys accompany Emily to a park where they meet her soccer mom friends for interrogation and playtime with random kids. The men arrive in varying degrees of fashion mishaps, Stevie being the most egregious (naturally), thanks to the plaid, oversized cargo shorts and clown-sized tennis shoes with socks. We all loved the entire outfit. The soccer moms, who are there to vet the young men for Emily, include: two young moms, an Indian Tech Mom, and a cougar. Pretty par for the course. Wendy, the cougar, is most on point as she probes the men with tough questions and thinly-veiled flirtation. As expected, the undersexed wives get at least one guy to take his shirt off, and two men to do push-ups, one with Wendy sitting on his back. Natch. Later, Ryan, with creatively-trimmed facial hair, tells Emily that if she gets fat after they get married, "I would still love you, I just wouldn't love on you." Amazing. True love in the making, for sure!

After a day of questioning and playing with children, the soccer moms choose Sean and Doug as their favorites. Sean eventually gets the rose, but only after we hear 1) Doug's sob story of growing up with an epileptic father and foster parents; and 2) Tony's audible and visible tears about missing his son. The best part? His strategy of playing the overly-committed, emotional father backfires, and Emily sends him home to be with his son (who didn't sound like he missed his dad that much anyway).

The last date goes to Arie, and this is the one we've been waiting for. He's only on the show because he's a race car driver like her deceased baby daddy, so we all hope he has something to offer besides approachable cuteness. The lovers fly to Pigeon Forge, TN (this season is so glamorous, y'all!) to spend the day at Dollywood, the Dolly Parton-inspired amusement park. They are cute, but the cuteness gets majorly amped up when Dolly (camel toe and all) comes out on stage to sing them love songs with tots the size of volleyballs and hair that is clearly 100% natural. If I were there, I would have died, let's be honest. Ms. Dolly in the surgically-enhanced flesh?!? COME ON!! Emily, one for overt emotion, says "I could have died" while not moving her botoxed face. But, they dance regardless, and have a great time. Later, Dolly and Emily girl talk, and Dolly ends the night by singing them another song. Here you can see that Emily has fallen for Arie and we should probably call the season right now. The date ends with a top-three kiss in Bachelor/ette history. He gets a rose. We have our frontrunner, kids.

At the rose ceremony, Kalon is a jerk. As he complains to Emily about not having a date, and how he wanted his first kid to be his own, he says, upon Emily interjecting her thoughts about her child (literally), "I love it when you talk, but I wish you would let me finish." Mull that one over.

Then she sits down with Alessandro, the Oompa Loompa, who tells her that marrying her would be a compromise due to Ricki Bobby. Emily sends him home on the spot, apparently, but we can't be entirely sure because of poor editing by ABC. Low budget this season? Charlotte as the location AND botched scenes? Yikes.

After another sultry kiss between Arie and Emily, roses go to:

1) Chris
2) Sean
3) Arie
4) Jef
5) Charlie
6) Doug
7) Michael
8) Travis
9) Alejandro
10) Ryan
11) John
12) Kalon
13) Nate

Awards
1) Frontrunner: Arie
2) Fallen from grace, and will fall even further next week: Ryan
3) Best kiss. Like maybe ever: Arie and Emily's first kiss. Tingles all around.
4) Worst dressed: Stevie. Duh. Back to Jersey you go!
5) Quote: "I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish." Future Wife-beater of America, Kalon.

Until next week,
Mike

Kermit? Seriously?

We've reached a new low. This evening featured Kermit and Ms. Piggy. Is Charlotte really that awful a place that all there is to entertain the masses is The Muppets? Don't get me wrong, The Muppets are awesome. But really? I'm looking for poolside entertainment, abs, drunken mishaps...you name it; not puppets.

Which leads me to the bad news. I totally missed the first date with Ryan. Why? I'm in my old stomping grounds of New York and I had plans with my most famous friend. So there. And we ate and drank our faces off. So there again.

But I tuned in just in time for Kermie and Ms. Piggy and the flailing fools trying to save face while being on stage with puppets in a Charlotte community theatre. John, Kalon, Kyle, Charlie, Alessandro, Alejandro, Stevie, Chris, Tony and Jeff joined Emily on stage with puppets in order to raise money for some sort of cause while depleting their cool stock simultaneously. Charlie was frozen with fear due to his former brain injury which apparently affects his speech (who else thought that was a cry for help and attention?), and a few fools told bad jokes. The show ended with Big Boobs McGee singing a song with Kermit and her daughter, Ricki Bobby. Emily told Ricki that she sang nicely with Kermit, when we all really know she stood there like an idiot. In addition, are Emily's boobs not ridiculous this season?!?

Later, we have the inevitable confrontation between (name the guy, because they're all going to do it this season) and Kalon. This time, it was with Stevie, the goatee-wearing "entertainer" from Jersey. So...basically...any and every guy from Jersey.

In case you care, Jeff, the hair-donning Mormon got the rose on the date.

The next one-on-one was with Joe "I'll say whatever I think sounds good to win the hot chick with fake boobs on TV." They take a jet to the most glamorous place on Earth, West Virginia. Yes, you read that last sentence correctly. You're welcome. They visit The Greenbrier, a resort that apparently hasn't been remodeled since 1975, and they learn that they're not a match. Why? Because Joe says everything he thinks he should say on TV to the big-boobed girl across from him, and Emily isn't having it. Again...why? Because she lacks a personality. Also, she's too distracted by her HEINOUS PINK DRESS to pay any attention to anything. Yes...that dress should have been the first thing sent home tonight. But, alas, Joe is sent home with no rose instead.

At the rose ceremony, nothing happens except the confirmation that Emily has no personality and should have stayed with personality-free Brad while she had the chance.

Roses go to:
1) Ryan
2) Jeff
3) Kalon (duh, someone has to pull ratings)
4) Arie
5) Michael
6) Nate
7) Sean
8) Chris
9) Doug
10) Travis
11) Tony
12) John
13) Alessandro
14) Charlie
15) Alejandro
16) Stevie...seriously?!?

Byeeeee: Joe, Aaron and Kyle. Bummer. Aaron and Kyle were totally cute.

Awards:
1) Should have been sent home before Aaron and Kyle: that nasty pink dress.
2) Best fake everything: Kalon and Emily. Lips, chest, forehead, cheeks...you name it. They are tucked and taut! And they're only 26...
3) Best quote: "If you have Louis Vuitton luggage, and you're a dude, you're an a$$hole." - John

Until next week...when we see DOLLY!!!

Mike

A minivan full of babies

Ladies and gents,

Last night was the beginning of another 13-week commitment we'll all come to regret in...well..13 weeks. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why, season after failed season, engagement after failed engagement, and fashion choice after failed fashion choice (seriously, guys of this season, what were you wearing?!?), do we subject ourselves to this mess? Because it's just that bad. And after last night, this season is sure to deliver.

I'll keep it short and sweet this week, because last night's 90-minute episode was rather bland when it comes to The Bachelorette. Can we make 90-minute episodes the new normal, please?

What wasn't surprising: this season features (or featured) narcissistic fools looking to further their careers (a singer/songwriter, a "fitness model"), a dude from Austin (Bromack's hometown), countless d-bags, and a race car driver. Nothing like beating the tragic dead husband story to death for ANOTHER season.

What was surprising: this season features a mushroom farmer, a grain merchant who speaks Italian, a New Jersey-based DJ/entertainer with poor fashion (okay, that fits into the Not Surprising category). And don't even get me started on Emily's newly-inflated boobs.

Some highlights from last night.

• Countless awkward scenes with Emily's daughter, hereafter referred to as Ricki Bobby
• Kalon's role as this season's villain. He's a "luxury brand consultant" (a personal shopper at Neiman Marcus at the Houston Galleria, I'm sure) and he arrived in a helicopter. What I loved most? His botoxed face and his outfit that almost hit the mark, except it didn't. Sorry your "luxury" dress shirt had a bad, wrinkled collar. 
• Doug, the single dad, who is far too deep and overbearing starting already.
• Charlie, the dude who had a brain injury after he fell off a balcony (what?!) saying: "I may have had a brain injury, but there is nothing wrong with my heart." No. Just no. 
• Emily, on where she wants to be after the show: "In a minivan full of babies." Ew.
• First Impression Rose: Doug, the single dad who clearly forced his 12-year-old son to write a letter to Emily. 

This season's contenders are:

1) Doug

2) Ryan

3) Kalon

4) Arie

5) Charlie

6) Jef with his party hair and fashion

7) Nate

8) Sean

9) Joe

10) Kyle

11) Aaron

12) Alejandro

13) John 

14) Alessandro

15) Michael

16) Stevie

17) Tony

18) Travis

Awards:
1) Best entrance: Ryan, with the cute "You are beautiful / I am nervous" notecards. His jawline is so defined, he looks like the wheelchair cop from Family Guy. In a good way?
2) Worst entrance: Randy, the dude who dressed up like last season's grandma.
3) Worst dressed: Stevie (of course his name is Stevie), the DJ/entertainer from New Jersey. Also, all the dudes wearing black dress shirts. Unfortunately, they're too many to name.
4) The Villain: Kalon.
5) Frontrunners: Ryan and Arie

Until next week,
Mike

And the most anticlimactic season ever is over. Also, fondue.

Let's be honest. US Weekly (and our collective instincts) told us weeks ago that stupid Courtney would win. We also knew that if Courtney won, they'd soon break up. Pretty much both are true. 

But let's get to the episode!

First, Lindzi and her chin zit arrive to Zermatt to meet Ben's mom and sister. It's so boring, Lindzi isn't relaxed, and all the conversations are at surface level. My favorite part was Ben's sister coaxing out of Lindzi how horrible Courtney is. Lindzi plays it pretty cool, but she gives Sister enough dirt for Sister to ask Ben about Courtney. My favorite line? "I mean, a model for a sister-in-law? Come on." But wait. 

Completely without surprise, Courtney arrives with a minor herpetic outbreak on her upper lip, and she fools Ben's family into liking her regardless. It's ridiculous. Everything from her pats on Ben's back when they first meet (who pats the person they "love" on their back?) to her overall suckiness makes me believe this is all fixed. Speaking of fixed, Ben is still oddly fixated on Courtney, and I couldn't help but think (no, I'm not trying to be Carrie Bradshaw), how can this dude fake his way through every moment with Lindzi? It's insane. Later, Ben's family gives him the verdict. They like Courtney. Cue the collective vomit fest. 

Next up are the final dates. Ben spends the day skiing the Matterhorn with Lindzi where the first serving of inevitable fondue shows up. Surprise! (Am I the only one that notices that every final date involves fondue?) But before I get to the skiing, WHO ELSE NOTICED THAT LINDZI'S CHIN ZIT WAS BLURRED OUT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE DATE?!? This was, perhaps, my favorite moment of the entire season: the hovering chin blotter! What's better? Her chin zit had a starring role in later scenes after the ABC editor got bored and tired of blurring that mess all date long. The only other memorable moment of this date was Lindzi ski-humping Ben down the mountain. I mean, who skis like that? She was literally hugging him from behind as they skied down the mountain. Insanity. Later, she tells Ben how much she loves him and he lavishes her in platitudes and general fakery. He couldn't wait for that date to end.

Next, it's Courtney's turn. They take a helicopter (why not...it's the last date and they've only shared 14 helicopter rides already this season) to the Matterhorn and then baby talk while sledding down it. Next, they share fondue (YES! Two for two!) at night, Courtney gives him a producer-made scrapbook, tells him she loves him, and then tells Ben that she's questioning things. Perfect order, if you ask me. Clearly the best option for Ben to prove he loves her is to propose. Later, after Ben leaves, she shares fake tears with the camera about nothing. 

What ever will Ben do?

On the day of the rose ceremony, we suffer through 15 minutes of B-roll footage prior to Lindzi and Courtney getting dressed in their bad dresses and witch capes and flying away to the perfectly-manicured-and-fake-snowed mountain side set to get either dumped or engaged. Kudos to the set designers who so perfectly placed the fake snow (and accompanying spring flowers?!?) on the mountain side on which there was no other visible snow. Awesome. 

Lindzi arrives first in a pretty dress and dreadful green velvet cape. She gets dumped. But first, Ben tells her he loves her. Total d-bag move, if you ask me. The best part? Lindzi has no emotion and we finally realize (for certain) that this entire show was fixed as she clearly stayed for the money to fool us into believing she had a chance. I mean, this girl was barely thrown by being dumped on national television. She was in on the deal the whole time. Good acting, girl.

Next, Courtney shows up (IN LONG BLACK GLOVES...WHAT?!?!) and Ben proposes to her. It was so incredibly touching ridiculously boring and unemotional. Courtney tried to squeeze out a few tears to no avail as Ben tells her she is his "forever." Luckily she took off the left glove before he placed the ring on her cold, dead finger.

This show sucked. Like maybe the worst season yet.

Don't worry, After the Final Rose delivered the surprising (I jest) news that they had already broken up once and it's been tough since the show wrapped. Please, they're already broken up, Ben is rubbing his nasty half-grown scruff on girls all over the Bay Area, and Courtney is laughing all the way from one failed audition to the next in her illustrious failed career as a model/actress.

This show is the worst. And the most anticlimactic season in this show's history is over. 

You're welcome.

Until never,

Mike

The Bitches Tell All

I don't have too much to say about this drawn-out two-hour drama fest, but what I do have to say is the following.

• Samantha officially has the most annoying voice of all time. No one even remembered her until now. And, the morning after the show, my ears are still ringing from her chirping.
• If Shawntel thinks she's going to be the next bachelorette with this crazy campaign in which she reappears season after season, she should give it up.
• Courtney is still fake and annoying. Her "tears" were so manufactured, it was ridiculous.
• Also, anyone else notice Courtney's slip up about her love for Ben? As in, it was in the past tense? Yeah, there was an awesome, "I loved Ben" thrown in there. For all we know, they had already broken up by the time this filmed.

Until next week. In the meantime, start thinking of drinking games to play during the finale!

Mike

To Bone or Not To Bone

That is the question.

But is it really the question? Come on. This is Ben we're talking about. He's game to bone. It's the "To Bone or Not To Bone" episode, and Ben is not messing around. Except for that he wants to mess around, if you know what I mean.

The first date is with Nicki, the "dark horse," as labeled by Ben. They helicopter over a glacier during the day, and have dinner in a log cabin by night. The fact that Nicki is so very much in love with Ben most likely bodes poorly for her chances, especially since Ben is so annoyingly patronizing in his non-emotional affirmations of her feelings. He's the worst. But deep down he likes her. You can tell. They're comfortable together, and he's definitely at ease. But you can also tell he's focused on boning Courtney, not Nicki. Regardless, he offers Nicki the Fantasy Date card, she accepts, and they bone.

The next date is with Lindzi. I'll come out and say it: he has the least chemistry with Lindzi, and she is not nearly as confident as Nicki. The date starts with rappelling (or "canyoning" in Swiss-speak), and ends in the inevitable hot tub scene. Oh, there's also the Fantasy Date card which Lindzi accepts, and a ridiculously gratuitous ASS shot of during Lindzi and Ben's make out on the bed. I mean, her ass was fully on camera. Also this zinger, from Ben: "I see myself with her for the rest of my life." I think by "rest of my life" he meant "tonight, while I bone her."

The last date is the much-anticipated crucial conversation with Courtney. He picks her up, they have a picnic, and they skillfully skirt the subject. Later, at dinner, Courtney half owns up to her misdeeds by saying things like "I maybe said some things..." Right. You actually DID say some things and you were a raging bitch. But whatever. Tomato/tomahto. But, she owns up to her rude-itude enough for Ben to fall back in love with her. They accept the Fantasy Date card and bone in a hot tub built for two.

Think this review was short? It was. This episode was frightfully boring, and I am busy and famous on a business trip to NYC. So there.

But wait, we get a ridiculous promo about the next Bachelorette! It's Emily, which we all knew, and the five-minute teaser is utterly ridiculous. Emily flies to LA to hang with her friends (strangers), former scorned Bachelor contestants turned Bachelorettes, Ali and Ashley. What's the best way to analyze her potential of finding love on a semi-scripted reality show? To watch The Titanic in 3D, duh! I mean...

Back in Switzerland, Ben spends a lovely afternoon relaxing in his hotel room prior to the rose ceremony. Oh wait, no he doesn't. Kacie B. flies to Switzerland to probe Ben for answers on why she got the axe. His response: "We're worlds apart," which translates directly to "your family sucks." Awesome. Once she realized Ben is over her, she decides to let it all out by saying that Courtney is only there to win, and that if he choose her, it'll end in heartbreak. Ben can't really process it, so he says goodbye to Kacie, who promptly lies down on the floor in a failed attempt to feign emotion.

Later, at the rose ceremony, Ben chooses:
1) Lindzi
2) Courtney

Bye: Nicki. OK, I actually felt bad for her because she blatantly had fallen for him. Also, her dress looked like a toga.

Awards:
1) Big winner: Ben was three for three in the To-Bone-Or-Not-To-Bone Challenge. Success!
2) Worst: Courtney and Ben

Until next week...if I choose to blog it,
Mike

Hometown hero...or lack thereof

It's Hometown Week, and Ben is busy traversing the country in order to meet his soon-to-be-almost in-laws. He is also busy being the most boring and annoyingly affirmative dater ever. His incessant un-heartfelt responses to everything everybody says is exhausting and I find him mind-numbingly disingenuous. But at this rate, he's going to pick Courtney, so who really cares?

First, Ben heads to Ocala, FL to meet Ms. Lindzi and her horse friends. She's looking cute in her Western wear, and they have a great day together riding horses. Later, they meet her cute parents. Mom and Dad tell them about their ties to San Francisco in response to Lindzi and Ben telling them about their times in the City by the Bay. Her parents tell them about how they were married in City Hall (where Lindzi and Ben shared a private concert on their date), to which Lindzi responds, "Really?" Really, Lindzi? Really? Later, Ben and Mom spend some time together. Mom tells Ben how they kept Lindzi busy with horses, drill team and cheerleading when she was growing up--thus she has very little experience with dating. Awesome...thanks mom. Overall, this is a great hometown date and Ben and Lindzi share some very passionate kisses at the end. He totally loved the day and loved her family. Including her dad, whose name is Harry Cox. I have no comment on that matter.

Next, we fly up to Clarksville, TN to meet Kacie and her family who fit every stereotype you'd think of when thinking of Clarksville, TN. Her father used the term "prayerfully" for God's sake. Kacie meets Ben at the football field named after her grandfather. She surprises him by performing the baton with the high school marching band. The all-black high school marching band, that is. I have a feeling Ms. Kacie didn't go to that school. After the band dork moment, we head home to meet the family. Mom, Dad and mute sister share a lovely dinner with Ben and Kacie on set. As in, they all sat on one side of the table in order to be on camera. It was awesome. What else was awesome? The fact that Ben showed up with wine and they all drank sweet tea at dinner. Sweet tea. Mom and Dad each individually tell Ben and Kacie about how they wouldn't approve of them moving in together before marriage. Dad takes it a step further by asking Kacie to "prayerfully" make decisions about marriage and that he would say "no" if Ben asked for her hand in marriage. So that went well...

Next we head to Texas, y'all. Land of steers in the streets, cowboy hats, and cowboy boots. As a Texan, I can vouch for the fact that all we wear is cowboy attire, so they nailed that on the head by ensuring they covered every possibly Texan stereotype in 15 minutes. Ben and Nicki do it up in Fort Worth, before heading to her predictably Texan suburban home where they meet her cute family. The mom, dad and brother are all cute. Mom has spiky funky fun hair and the dad is emotional. It's cute. Later, Nicki tells Ben she loves him. Ben obviously responds with some ridiculous platitude like "wow" or "thanks." It's stupid. But, overall, Nicki just may be the dark horse. Ben ends the date by telling the camera that he's falling in love with her.

Finally, we head to Scottsdale to meet Courtney's family. I'm sure I wasn't the only one awaiting this meeting with baited breath, and, frankly, the family is pretty normal. Dad is dapper, sister is cute, and mom has a taut face with a shrunken head. But overall, they're nice. Mom is a bit skeptical, Dad seems like a lot of fun, and Courtney frankly seems like the odd duck. As in, she sucks. It's interesting that she's not mean during this date. Granted, she has no one to whom she can direct her evil. But don't worry, she's still weird. How, you ask? She stages an impromptu wedding at her favorite farm in town. I'm serious. They head to her favorite spot where she has secretly set up a wedding scene and she makes him write vows and recite them in front of an officiant and everything. It's so weird. Did anyone else notice that Courtney cheated by pasting pre-written vows in her notepad? I did. She's sneaky, that one. Next, she tells Ben she loves him. He's still hung up on boning her in the ocean in Puerto Rico. Later, they drive away in an "Almost Married" car. Barf.

Back in LA, Ben chooses:

1) Courtney
2) Lindzi
3) Nicki

Bye: Kacie. Sadly, after the hometown visit, we're not surprised. Total bummer, though. I actually felt bad for her.

Awards:
1) Love count. 2 for 4. Two chicks said they loved Ben.
2) Worst: Ben. Boring, blah, and destined for breakups.
3) Dark horse: Nicki

Until next week, in Switzerland!
Mike

Courtney is the worst

Staying in the Central American theme, this week's episode is hosted by the Belizean Travel Board. We fly north from Panama for four hot dates. Well, three kind of interesting dates and one snooze-fest with Courtney and her immobile upper lip.

The first date is with Lindzi and all her cuteness. The lovebirds are picked up in a (surprise!) helicopter and flown out--while snuggling--to a beautiful reef into which they jump and swim. They jumped into the water from the helicopter which was...10 feet off the water. So exciting! Later, they share a nice dinner. But first, they approach their lone romantic setting for two on a dock. As they approach, Lindzi asks, "Is this us?" No, Lindzi, the only perfectly coifed dinner setting on a dock in the middle of nowhere is actually someone else's table. Your table will be ready in 30 minutes. After dinner, they write a love story, put it in a bottle, and set it to sail in the vast sea off Belize. And by that, I mean, it sinks to the bottom and we're done.

The next date is with Emily. It's her big chance to redeem herself, and she totally does. They have chemistry, they play basketball and the catch lobsters. Later, at dinner, they eat said lobsters during which she apologizes for being weird about Courtney, and they are back to normal. Emily is legitimately cool, I think, and she's fun. She's also too smart to be on this show.

The next date goes to the worst human being alive, Ms. Courtney. She is seriously awful. First off, she's not pretty enough to be a model. Second, she is has no original thoughts whatsoever. Third, whatever she says is awful and stupid. Apparently she's also an "actress," and we now know that she has no future in acting. Courtney and Ben share a lovely (as in, boring) day in the Mayan ruins and the rainforest. She tells  Ben that she wouldn't have accepted a rose this week if she hadn't gotten a one-on-one. Normally, this would make a guy second-guess his "connection" with her. And also her character. But Ben? No. He backpedals and basically apologizes to her for...um...nothing. He is a stupid idiot and just wants to have sex with a model more than once. He's a child. Later, they climb metaphorical (and literal) steps to leave behind their drama with each step. Barf. At the top of the ruin, Courtney and Ben prove to the world that they have NO CHEMISTRY WHATSOEVER. Ben says things like "Oh my dad" as opposed to "Oh my god," (cue the cringe) and they talk about why they like each other. Um...no reason, in case you were wondering. It's like the battle of the upper lips, and no one wins. Courtney then decides to open up to Ben about how "vanilla" the other girls are, and how "bored by them" she is. Again, Courtney is the worst. For a second, we think that Ben is over it. But then he fails to redeem himself by pretending to like her again. Ugh...hopeless.

The group date is next, and Kacie, Nicki, and Rachel join Ben in Shark Alley where they swim with sharks and stuff. Nicki is busty, they all tell Ben they're falling for him, and it's blah. Kacie gets the rose (as devil Courtney watches from afar). Later, they all warn him about Courtney being the worst.

At the cocktail party...oh wait...Ben cancels it because he's already made up his mind. But has he? As the girls line up to receive their destiny, Ben asks to speak with Courtney's upper lip. He questions her intentions, and she somehow convinces him that she's there for the right reasons. Ben is literally the dumbest. I mean, he's not as dumb as Brad Womack, but he's just blinded by her beauty(?). Or maybe it's the fact she she boned him in the the ocean a week ago?

Roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Nicki (cue collective surprise!)
3) Lindzi
4) Courtney

Bye: Emily and Rachel. Frankly, we're sad to see both of them go. Especially since devil Courtney is still here. WORST!

Awards:
1) No Chemistry Award: Ben. He has no chemistry with anyone.
2) Frontrunner: Kacie? Even though we're scared it's Courtney?
3) Worst: Courtney

Until next week,
Mike

Canal of Tears

So apparently Panama City looks like Dubai? Except the water is brown? I was a little bit surprised, and you were too. Glad we're on the same page.

This episode we're in Panama City, and we've got some Panamanian drama to serve up (is there such a thing as "Panamanian drama"?). Apparently there is.

The first date went to Kacie B. We all love her. But is she right for Ben? They are whisked away on a--surprise!--helicopter to a private island where they hunt for lunch under what we all knew was the guise of professional chefs and survivalists watching from afar. As if they really caught a fish and found their own coconut juice. Ben was wearing Skechers Shape-ups for god's sake. He looked like a dad at Disney World. He was in no way equipped to hunt for fish via fishnet in the wild. But whatever. Later, Kacie confesses to Ben her big secret: she had an eating disorder in high school. Okay, I'm the last person lessen the severity of an issue that plagues so many women (and men) in these modern times of ours. But seriously? I thought she was about to confess to a teenage pregancy and/or child out of wedlock. But she threw up pizza at a Super Bowl party in the late 90s? Not impressed. Regardless, she gets a rose. (And, for the record, I realize eating disorders are a major issue, and I, by no means, actually mean to make fun of them. But this is The Bachelor, for f*&$@ sake, I need something to poke fun at.)

The next date is a jungle fun group date on a dirty river with tribal people and nudity. Yes, you read all that correctly. Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey, Courtney and Jamie join Ben on a river boat/canoe and play games and get paint tattoos with the local rainforest people in computer-generated loincloths (please tell me you all noticed the animated butt-cover-ups on the boys as they ran away in one key scene...it was amazing!). Courtney was topless (obviously) and Ben was attracted to her like any idiot guy would be. Later, at the gratuitous pool scene, the girls get their one-on-one time with Ben. Courtney sluts it up, Lindzi drunk talks her way back into his life, and Jamie blah blah blahs while Courtney strips down into her bikini in the background in order to distract Ben during their one-on-one time. What we've learned is that Ben is a giddy geek that wants to bone Courtney because she's "hot" and he's easily distracted by her ridiculousity. It's amazing, and it totally confirms that dudes are jackasses. What's more? Courtney, playing the role of available slut, offers up her room number to Ben for some late night shenanigans. Later, Emily apologizes for to Courtney for judging her earlier and Courtney, predictably, doesn't accept the apology and proves that Emily's judgment was totally founded and warranted. At the end of the date, the rose goes to Lindzi. And Ben does not (surprise!) visit Courtney in her room.

The last date is the much-dreaded two-on-one between Blakeley and Rachel where only one girl is standing at the end. It's a salsa dance party, and upon seeing the caged exterior of the club, Blakeley got VERY excited. Why? Because she's a "VIP Cocktail Waitress" and she dances in cages for a living. She's stripper, people, and we all know it. Blakeley quickly asserts that she's a "better dancer" than Rachel. Again, it's your job, Blakeley. We can only hope you're a better stripper--I mean dancer--than Rachel. The date is rather awkward, though, because the girls take turns watching the other girl dance with Ben. Later, at dinner, Blakeley shows Ben her scary scrapbook she's made about their relationship. Not only is she a stripper, she's also a psycho. It doesn't take long for Ben to choose Rachel, which sets off a massive meltdown by Blakeley. I mean, she cried on his shoulder for 82 minutes before she was sent away in the Central American model of the Toyota Sierra minivan. It was brills. The van (obvi), and her tears.

The next day, we get what we've all been waiting for. The reason why stupid Casey gets sent home early. Did her grandma die? Is her dad sick? No, she's in love with some d-bag back home, and it's incredibly boring. She also proves she is in no way a wordsmith as she cannot explain herself in English. But she tries. Chris Harrison escorts her to Ben's room where he's "surprised" by her arrival (even though he's accompanied to the door by two cameramen). He tells her to go home, and we don't care. But her trail--ahem, canal (we are in Panama after all)--of tears is amazing. She looks certifiably horrifying while crying. Oh well, best of luck in Kansas.

At the cocktail party, Jamie literally rapes Ben. She wants to prove to Ben she's there for him, and that she wants him. So, like any normal woman would, she tells Ben that she's going to kiss him (closed mouth first, then open-mouth), and "feel him up." Then, she awkwardly straddles him and does just that. While nervously talking. It was at least two glasses of wine worth of horror.

Roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Lindzi
3) Rachel
4) Nicki
5) Courtney
6) Emily

Bye: Blakeley, Casey, Jamie

Awards:
1) Worst cryer: Casey
2) Most awkward: Jamie
3) Most talkative during awkward moments: Jamie
4) Rape victim: Ben (with Jamie)

Until next week,
Mike

Skinny Dipping is for Lovers

We fly south this week and find ourselves in the midst of some HOT HOT HOT Puerto Rican Latin fire. The girls bring the heat this week, as does the weather. (Did you see how swarmy everything looked all episode? I would have been a sweaty mess.)

Nicki is the big winner for the first one-on-one date, and the lovers spend the day on a helicopter (surprise!) and frolicking in the rain. Sorry about your silk dress, Nicki. After the rain ruins their outfits, Ben and Nicki shop for "ethnic" garb, which leaves Ben dressed like a member of the Latino Rat Pack and Nicki looking like a colorful trash bag. They "stumble upon" a wedding at which the bride takes roughly thirty minutes to ascend the stairs, and Ben and Nicki don't make fun of it. It was at this point that I decided they were boring and lacking in fun. Later, at dinner, Nicki forcibly opens up about her divorce and Ben gives her a rose. The end. It was boring. Also, Nicki had a bruise on her arm. That is all.

The next date is a very American affair with some girl-on-girl action involving America's pastime. The nine girls split into two baseball teams, and the winning team gets to spend a nice evening on the beach with the big prize, Ben! Lyndzi is the lucky MVP who gets to play on both teams (ha ha), so she's a winner no matter what. In the end--after three very exciting fake innings--the Red team (Courtney, Kacie, Casey, Jamie, and Lyndzi) beat the Blue team (Blakeley, Emily, Jennifer, Rachel, and Lyndzi). Blakeley was incredibly athletic (with her tummy tee, natch) and Courtney made a very astute comment: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" Let's be honest, we all hate Courtney, but we were all thinking it. One point to Courtney, although it's immediately retracted due to her oddly immobile upper lip. Later, Dad consoles the losers, Blakeley cries, and the Red team flies away in a helicopter while the dejected losers drive home in a cold, dank bus in tears. It's helicopter number two this episode, people. Try to act surprised. Later, on the beach, Ben gives a rose to cute Kacie and is quickly lured away by Courtney the Conniver who awkwardly throws herself on Ben while Ben is less than interested. Luckily we have time for some blurred out side boob as they embrace and make out. She plants the "let's go skinny dipping" seed, and the date soon ends.

The last date goes to Elyse, who's been waiting patiently for her one-on-one all season. Unfortunately this Chicago-bred personal trainer blows it pretty quickly. They are whisked away on a ridiculous yacht for some uncomfortable conversation which is luckily interrupted by the need to jump off the boat to swim instead of talk. But first, Elyse impresses Ben by telling him that she's already accomplished everything she's wanted to accomplish in life. Um...yeah...awesome way to impress a free spirit. "Um, hi. I'm basically done living and all I want to do is marry you and pop out babies because it's socially acceptable." After Ben realizes she's less than interesting, he says "I think we should jump off the boat." Nothing like literally jumping ship to change the subject. Later, at dinner, Ben and Elyse share an awkward dinner where the only thing we can notice is how miserable Ben is. Before long, Ben tells Elyse that there isn't much of a connection, and she's forced to straddle a zodiac rescue boat in a formal dress in order to get booted from the show and drive off into the mist. 

After the date, an emotionally exhausted Ben is greeted at his hotel room by a wine-toting Courtney who is there to offer him a "nightcap." Don't worry, she says "nightcap" four more times before she lets herself into the hotel room, opens up the robe she's wearing (a robe!) to reveal more cleave, and then convinces Ben to skinny dip. His response? "Why the hell not?" Exactly the words any needy girl wants to hear. My favorite part of the whole montage? The blatant cameras and flood lights focused on Ben and Courtney's approach to (and eventual) their nude ocean boning scene. It was 100% awkward, and it was also Courtney's biggest dream in life realized. Another great moment of this night was Courtney's convincing Ben to skinny dip by saying "We're only in Puerto Rico once." Oh really? What about the time you were there two months ago you so rudely reminded us of last week after you got a rose?

The cocktail party is rather uneventful except for Emily apologizing to Ben for bringing up the fact that Courtney sucks last week and promising never to focus on her again...only to dive back in to an anti-Courtney diatribe for five minutes. Hmmm...you'd think a PhD student would be more intelligent.

Roses go to:

1) Nicki

2) Kacie

3) Lyndzi

4) Jamie

5) Rachel

6) Courtney

7) Casey

8) Blakeley

9) Emily

Bye: Elyse and Jennifer. Yes, Jennifer was a surprise.

Awards:

1) Quote: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" - Courtney, on Blakeley.

2) Best Side Boob: Courtney's blurred-out boob on the beach

3) Over it: Ben. Does he really like anyone?

4) Frontrunner: See #3. But I guess I'd say Kacie and Lyndzi with the runner-up going to Courtney because she's easy.

Until next week,

Mike

"I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me."

Ladies and gentleman, friends and foes, lovers and non-lovers,

This episode is brought to you by the state of Utah, underwritten by the Church of Latter Day Saints and Mitt Romney. Why? Because we're in Park City this week, and I may or may not have been driving through while they filmed this episode. Why? I'm famous and I can't divulge too many details. So let's get to it.

The first date goes to Rachel. This is--cue the music--the first helicopter date of the season! The 'copter swoops the lovers up and over to a pristine lake on which they canoe and don't really talk much. After the awkward canoe ride (ride? what do you call canoeing?), they share a rather quiet and un-conversant dinner during which Rachel opens up just enough to secure a rose. Yes, I just reviewed this date in four sentences. Rachel left me with very little to work with.

The next date finds Jamie, Casey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., and Courtney horseback riding through the "country" and fly fishing in waders and boots. Courtney, ever the model/actor in the making, decides this is a great opportunity to turn this group date into a one-on-one. And she does it quite successfully by convincing Ben to fish with her. She also convinced a fish to bite and she was the only one to catch a fish during the entire date. Barf. Later, the girls join Ben at the Waldorf-Astoria. My favorite part? The varied costume choices. We spanned hoodies to cocktail dresses to bikinis and it was amazing. What was also amazing was Samantha getting booted during their one-on-one time dring which she accosted Ben for taking her on three group dates in a row. Ben, ever the father figure, put her in her place and basically told her it was a test and she didn't pass. He sends her home mid-date. Later, Ben takes Kacie aside for some reassuring one-on-one time only to turn around and spend even more time with Courtney (her polar opposite). Courtney, the studied actress, ends up with the rose because Ben is dumb and falls for her conniving ways (she convinced him that she was concerned about things, thus opening up Ben to a lifetime of living with a case of the batsh*t crazies if he eventually chooses her, which he probably will because this show sucks).

The last date goes to sweet Jennifer, our homegrown girl from Oklahoma. They rappel into a crater lake, awkwardly kiss in the water (because of the treading of water and all), and share a rainy evening together. Daddy Ben cannot stop paying her compliments on her kissing ability, and later takes her to a country music concert where they dance awkwardly in front of 1,000 spectators. My. Worst. Nightmare. But whatever, she gets the rose and we think Jennifer is sweet.

At home, during Jennifer's date, the girls do makeovers, and talk sh*t about each other. Obviously the main subject is Courtney, but Courtney gets her chance too, during which she calls Jennifer "normal." You know what, Courtney? There is nothing normal about your bee-sting/paralyzed upper lip. You're annoying and your manager is clearly a rockstar for landing you this gig. Best of luck on The Bachelor Pad next season.

At the cocktail party, Emily decides it's about time to tell Ben about Courtney's conniving ways and general horrible-ness. Unfortunately, her words fall upon rather deaf ears, and Ben doesn't really buy into it, thus making our smart Emily look rather dumb. Boo...Ben, why are you stupid?

Later, Casey S. (apparently Courtney's only friend in the house), finds out that Emily talked to Ben about Courtney and immediately runs to Courtney to tell her. Courtney, the wordsmith she is, responds with, "I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me." Exactly, Courtney. My thoughts, exactly.

This is followed by a few scenes of blithering bitchiness on the part of Courtney, which eventually lands us at the rose ceremony.

Ugh, girls are exhausting!

Roses go to:
1) Rachel
2) Courtney
3) Jennifer
4) Lindzi
5) Jamie
6) Nicki
7) Kacie B.
8) Elyse
9) Blakeley
10) Casey S.
11) Emily

Bye: Samantha, Monica. Don't worry, they both cry, even though they don't know Ben.

Awards:
1) Thanks, Dad. This award goes to Ben, as he fatherly gives advice and pointers to the girls on a date-ly basis. My favorite this week (Ben to Courtney, about the group date: "I'm surprised how well you did." Thanks, Dad.)
2) Best bee sting lips: Courtney's
3) Best kisser: Jennifer, apparently
4) Front-runners: Kacie and Courtney.
5) Quote: "I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me." - Courtney

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. Will Ben call Courtney out on her two bitchy comments at the end of this week's rose ceremony? After Ben told them they'd be heading to Vieques, Puerto Rico, Courtney responds with, "So two months ago." Then she raises her glass for the toast and says, "I can raise my glass higher than everyone." Thanks, Courtney. You're so smart you can actually point out the obvious.

Bridges, fainting and Shawntel

This episode takes us to sunny San Francisco, where we face our fears, ski in bikinis, and get sloppy seconds. Ben is so excited to spend time with the girls in his "hometown" (how many hometowns do you have, Ben?) and the girls do not disappoint when it comes to drama...except for they kind of do after all the previews ABC teased us with prior to this episode. I mean, how many of us thought that Ashley was going to be the Mystery Girl who reappeared for another chance? Boo, hiss.

The first date is one-on-one with Emily. The cute PhD candidate gets schooled when it comes to her fears as she and Ben climb the Bay Bridge together. Speaking from experience, having just climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge myself, this stuff is scary. Especially when it's not a well-traveled tourist destination and you find yourself scaling up a steel beam that collapsed in the late 80s during the big quake. Emily freaks out a bit (her biggest fear is heights), but all is solved when Ben fixes it with a kiss. As if we didn't think that was coming. Later, the two lovers share a dinner on a pier along the Embarcadero, and I think they actually have some chemistry. She shares a rather horrifying story of an online dating set-up with her brother, but all in all, the two hit it off. Emily actually seems normal. Don't quote me on this, but that's what it seemed like. Ben gives Emily the rose and they kiss under fireworks. You know, like every couple does at the end of their first date.

The next date is the group cluster-date, during which they get to realize something on their "leap list" which is something I've never heard of until this episode (brought to you by Honda) made it up. All the girls get to realize their lifelong dreams of skiing down a San Francisco street filled with fake ice/snow on a warm fall day in their bikinis in front of random passersby and Asian townies. I mean, who doesn't have this item on their mythical leap list? It was priceless seeing the girls fall and successfully pull off full-on spread eagle crotch shots for everyone in town? Simply amazing, if I do say so myself. Kacie B. gets the gold for the date by essentially going ass first down the hill until she crashes at the end. Later, the girls go to a bar, they all claw at a chance to make out with Ben and...wait...back to the hotel where the next date card is being delivered to the remaining girls.

Surprise! The next one-on-one goes to Brittney (remember the girl who showed up with her grandma?). Or does it? Brittney seems less than enthused by the idea of a date with Ben, and she tells the girls she's "torn and confused" about the prospect of being with Ben. Thus, she decides to leave the show and interrupt Ben on the group date to share the news of her departure. You know Grandma's pissed!

Back at the group date, Brittney does just that. She tells Ben she's voluntarily leaving, and he's a bit taken aback. But then he makes out with three more chicks and eventually gives the rose to Rachel. Clearly make outs solve everything. I learned that in the 8th grade.

So who gets Brittney's sloppy seconds? Lindzi! Ben and Lindzi share a cute date of trolley rides, ice cream, impromptu concerts at City Hall during which they're serenaded by Matt Nathanson, followed by double-secret cocktails at Bourbon and Branch where she tells Ben how she was once dumped via text message ("Welcome to Dumpsville: population you"). [Remind me to call her ex-boyfriend to get more one-liners. He should monetize these things!] It seemed fun and cute and Ben agrees by giving Lindzi a rose and telling the camera that "she has potential" like he's on House Hunters and debating putting down payment down or something. Um, Ben? Lindzi isn't some trashy townhome in Tampa, she's a woman who wants to maybe be your wife. Let's refer to her as more than "potential."

But then, the drama we've all been waiting for arrives in a slinky red dress to get her man. I thought it was Ashley, maybe Michelle Money, but I did not predict random-ass Shawntel, the funeral director from last season who laid Brad out on an embalming table only to get kicked off. But yes, that's who showed up looking for her chance at love with Ben. She walks in, the girls freak, and she interrupts Ben's time with Elyse to make her case. She sounds a bit crazy when she tells Ben about how she thought there was potential with Ben by watching his season. She also mentions how Ben and she had talked a few times. I this case, I'm pretty sure "talked" means "boned," but whatever. Shawntel asks to be able to attend the rose ceremony, and is here for the opportunity to earn a rose. Ben, a bit dumbfounded, calls the cocktail party quits a bit early. All the girls inevitably freak, and it's amazing. Courtney is mean to the other girls, stirs up some stuff with her oddly-immobile upper lip, and everyone is on edge.

At the rose ceremony, the drama unfolds a bit more. Courtney is not staying if Shawntel gets a rose, Jaclyn is crying, and there is a cat-like nip to the air.

Roses go to:
1) Emily
2) Rachel
3) Lindzi
4) Courtney (Who stays, duh. She has a career to further here!)
5) Kacie B
6) Elyse
7) Jamie
8) Jennifer
9) Casey
10) Blakeley
11) Monica
12) Nicki
13) Samantha
14) We're left with Jaclyn, Erika (who has fainted by this point...literally fainted), and Shawntel. Who does Ben choose? NO ONE! He sends them all home. So we're left with lucky 13.

Byeeeee: Brittney, Erika, Jaclyn, Shanwtel

Awards:
1) Most busted: Jaclyn
2) Best fake faint: Erika
3) Worst upper lip: Courtney
4) Most disgusting tattoo ever: Erika's tattoo INSIDE HER MOUTH. Gross.

Until next week,
Mike

This episode was brought to you by horses, jugs and chiclets

It's only episode two and I'm already tired. This show is simply exhausting, and it drives me to drink and stress eat far too much. Of course I'll never miss an episode as I have adoring fans worldwide, but if I were a free man I would probably be doing more manly and normal things like watching the NCAA national championship game featuring one drunk Southern school versus another. Alas I am not a free man, and I remained chained to two hours of hell on a weekly basis. You're welcome.

This week Ben whisks the girls away to his adopted hometown of Sonoma, CA. The first one-on-one date goes to my personal favorite, Kacie B. from Tennessee (I love her even more now that I just realized her name is a rhyme). Ben picks her up in his old-school Bronco convertible (my dream car!) and they spend the day in downtown Sonoma. At one point, Kacie finds a baton at a toy store and confesses to Ben she was a baton twirler when she was younger. Cue the performance and my embarrassment. But we love Kacie, so it's okay. Later, they budding lovebirds share a dinner at The Girl and The Fig (I love this place) and I think they actually have a connection. Ben gives Kacie a rose at dinner, and then they head to the movie theatre where the feature is old home movies of Kacie as a baby and Ben and his dad. Too soon? Yes. Debbie Downer alert, for sure. This causes Ben to cry on his first date with Kacie...which is both heartwarming and weak. They kiss. Aww...

The second date is a cluster-date with somewhere between 12 and 15 chicks. My idea of a disaster date. First, the girls put on a play with local children of wine snobs (this is Sonoma, after all) that makes me cringe at least 14 times. Granted, I loved the hilarious costumes, but still. And then Ben takes his shirt off on stage. Naturally. Okay, this is the first time Ben has taken his shirt off...including last season. Clearly those biceps were born in the off season. Kudos, ABC.

Later, the girls get to woo Ben in their swimsuits during the gratuitous pool scene. Ben starts kissing everyone, and eventually falls under Blakeley's horse face-jugs-and-chiclet-teeth-fueled evil spell. Poor Jennifer from Oklahoma feels bad and used, and the rest of the girls are just pissed. Samantha put it best, when referring to Blakeley: "We hate her. She's horsey and tranny." I couldn't have said it better myself. But I'll say it anyway. Blakeley (who serves drinks at NASCAR races and poses nude in her real life) has concrete boobs, a veneer flipper, and enough makeup to paint an entire drag queen show twice over. But don't worry, she gets the rose. And Ben's stock plummets.

The next, and last, date goes to Courtney, this season's other Villain. They share lunch, no original thoughts, and then they kiss and she gets the rose. Courtney literally has no thoughts of her own, and only regurgitates everything Ben tells her in order to keep the conversation going. Maybe she should focus less on trying to think of things to say, and more on figuring out how to work her oddly-inactive upper lip.

At the rose ceremony, everything that you would expect to happen actually happens. What's that, you ask? Blakeley is a bitch who interrupts not one, not two, but three girls' conversations with Ben. Jenna is an emotional train wreck who is so far removed from her mood stabilizers I'm thinking the producers hid all sharp objects in a 20-mile radius. Surprise! She cries again (12 times) about absolutely nothing. And the other chicks are grumpy and uneasy about the too-early drama that has blessed the sacred house. Someone refers to Blakeley as a "horse face" which causes her to feign emotion and hide in a bedroom. Ben then finds her (in a room filled with lights and cameras, wow!) and convinces her to come back out and join the living and less-inflated members of the cast. Next, he finds Tears McGee (Jenna) and urges her to do the same...only to dump her five minutes later at the rose ceremony. YES!

So, roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Blakeley
3) Courtney
4) Jennifer
5) Emily
6) Elyse
7) Jaclyn
8) Erika
9) Rachel
10) Lindzi
11) Nicki
12) Casey
13) Samantha
14) Monica
15) Jamie
16) Brittney

Byeee to: Jenna (CRAZY) and Shawn (two-toned hair)

Tonight's awards:
1) Front runner: Kacie
2) Fakest everything (including personality): Blakeley
3) Poster child for what going off your Lithium/Xanax/Valium cocktail could do to you: Jenna.

Until next week,
Mike

I have a feeling we've been here before

Friends, foes, followers and fans,

Here we are again. A new year. A new resolution. A new show. Except the "new" show is being repeated for the 16th time and we just keep coming back for more. Gluttons for punishment we are, and it's just time to admit it: we love this train wreck of a show and we'll never let this love affair die, even though the love found on this show dies 99% of the time. But let's be optimistic this year. At least for tonight. We are the 1% (who still watch this show). If we're not optimistic about love, let's at least be optimistic that these chicks will bring drama and tears for days, because that's all we really care about. Let's also be optimistic that the next bachelorette (season to start May 2012) is one of these 25 young ladies vying for Ben's love but really vying for a chance at stardom all her own.

The episode begins with teasers into nine of the bachelorettes' lives. I love this because ABC fools you into believing these girls will all be contenders. Why else would they waste all this time flying to their hometowns and profiling their lives if they're going to be kicked off early? To fool us, that's why. And, as always, there are a couple of unlucky ones (Amber and Lyndsie [not to be confused with the other ridiculously-spelled Lindzi]...sorry). Of course the other seven will probably be the last seven standing because ABC can't fool us too hard. We're on to you. And it only took 82 seasons.

Before we meet the 25 chicks, let's first catch up with Ben. Oh hi, Ben. You're still cute and still into wine? Great. Also still rocking cute style and a bad haircut? Yup. Ugh...seriously? You couldn't have cleaned up that mop even a little bit?

Back to the girls. I won't profile all 25 because we've seen them all before. But some fun ones stick out. The first lady out of the limo is Rachel. Cute, and totally on trend with bangs. Unfortunately her busted teeth are not so much in season. Sorry. We also have Canadian Bacon...I mean...Amber. There's a Kentucky-bred pageant queen named Samantha, and a VIP cocktail waitress named Blakeley. Don't worry, she's totally on the show for love. I swear. A grandma also gets out of the limo, but only to introduce her cute granddaughter, Brittney (to emphasize her love of family, duh). Jennifer from Oklahoma gets out and tells Ben she tried on 54 dresses before choosing the dazzler of the night (a sparkly navy stunner two sizes too big). Um...methinks you should have tried 55, sweetie. (Props to LC for that comment, and my whole Bachelor-watching crew in ATX who makes my life infinitely better with nonstop banter and ever-flowing wine.) My favorite entrance of the night, though, goes to Anna, a.k.a. Ms. Detroit, who literally walks right past Ben without saying hi. I about died. But then I realized, it's probably how she deals with strangers. Girl can't ever be too safe in the D-town. I also loved Lindzi's entrance on horseback.

Other tidbits I loved tonight:
-The lesbian encounter between Monica and Blakeley on the couch.
-The fight that ensued between Monica (lesbian McGee) and Jenna over literally nothing (as in, eight of us couldn't figure out why Jenna was mad at Monica, and it was awesome). It left Jenna in near hysterics and Monica talking about cutting her.
-Jenna and Monica both being blackout wasted to the point of slurring their incoherent thoughts in hopes of reconciling their invented problems.
-Dianna's homemade dress that made her look like an artisan sausage in white.
-Courtney being profiled as this season's Villain with the role of Back-up Villain played by Monica.

In the end, the First Impression Rose went to Lindzi, the horse lover. She seems nice, but there might be some crazy underneath.

Roses went to:
1) Lindzi
2) Jamie
3) Rachel
4) Blakeley (For ratings, duh. This show needs straight men to watch it.)
5) Emily
6) Kacie
7) Casey
8) Brittney
9) Erika
10) Shawn
11) Nicki
12) Jennifer
13) Elyse
14) Samantha
15) Courtney
16) Jaclyn
17) Monica
18) Jenna

Tonight's awards:
1) Drunky McDrunkerson: Jenna. You had so much potential until the tears started. And your general annoyingness.
2) Worst dress: Casey from KS and Jennifer from OK
3) Hot Mess Express: Jenna
4) Weirdest "Job": VIP Cocktail Waitress (Blakeley from Charlotte, NC). I'm thinking this means she serves drinks at NASCAR races.
5) Villain: Courtney and Monica
6) Front-runner(s): Kacie and Lindzi. Big hopes for Kacie from TN.

Until next week!
Mike

Ben F. is the next Bachelor

Oh Ben...I had higher hopes for you than this. Really? The next Bachelor?

Are you too nice for a season full of me tearing you (and your lady friends) down on a weekly basis?

Time will tell, Ben. Time will tell. Until then, keep drinking your wine. You'll need it.

Happy Ending

Are you ready for this mess? It's pretty simple: this season was the worst. As was this episode. There's nothing like a tatted-up overly-critical sister to bring a man down, and that's exactly what happened tonight.

You'd think Fiji was an amazing place until you saw Ashley's family there. Nothing like a sweaty brother wearing a shark's tooth necklace to bring a bro down. Add a ridiculous amount of sweat into the equation and you're done for. Dude was toweling off on camera throughout the episode. Pair him with his Nascar-loving dad and bad-dye-job mom, and the family was a mess. And don't even get me started on the sister. She says she's the rational one? I'd love for her to explain the rationale in covering every square inch of her upper body in bad-taste tattoos. Yup, I said it. Really? An Asian woman on your upper arm? No thank you.

The first family meet-up was with JP. A sweaty JP got to meet a very sweaty family on the very sweaty lawn of their private cottage. Whomever produced this episode was either 1) brilliant or 2) blind. Why show each and every wiping of the sweat from the brow/boobs/neck throughout the entire date? (Too make us drink faster during our impromptu drinking game, thankyouverymuch.) A sweaty JP is questioned quite heavily from Ashley's tatted up (like tattoos from head to toe) sister. The one that ruined it all: "Does he make you laugh?" asked the horrible sister. To which Ashley can't fathom a response. From there on out, Sister Tats McGee was over it and over JP. She let him know, too. She told him that Ashley was more into Brad last season than she was into him, and she told Ashley the same. Cue the tears (and cue Reason To Drink #2 in our drinking game). In the words of Evil Sister: "You're too much for him," to which Ashley states that "He's better for me" (than Ben). Later, during some one-on-one time, Ashley's sister and JP sit down to chat further. Amy Winehouse (I mean her sister) says that JP is too serious for Ashley and we all have decided Sister is obnoxious and horrible and jealous. Ugh...the only good part about this date was when Ashley's sister made her cry (which we, once again, drank to). Anyone see where Ashley's insecurity comes from? Done and done.

The next date--oddly later the same day--was with Ben. A sweaty Ben meets her same dumb family. Luckily they're inside this time...but it doesn't stop poor Ben from sweating profusely. There is very little remarkable about this date besides: 1) Ben re-confirming the fact that he always dresses well; 2) Ashley's brother looks like a sweaty k.d. lang; and 3) when Ben and Ashley demonstrated their talking-to-their-dog voices, I drank an entire bottle of wine. Ashley's sister was way nicer to her; and--in turn--Ashley was totally weird and pretending she was funny and silly with Ben when in fact she was just stupid and dumb and trying to impress her family.

Later, she has her final date with Ben during which she is totally over him and he overtly expresses his love for her. She closed-mouth kisses him and it's amazingly horrible. I'll drink to that. Poor Ben...

Next, she has her last date with JP. He's totally over the fact that her family completely hated him, but he tells her he loves her and gives her a completely unoriginal producer-made photo album. We all collectively barf...but then we barf more when Ashley leaves the date without boning him. What?!? Seriously? Maybe it's because we all know who she's choosing and she knows she has a lifetime (or a month) of boning ahead of her.

So...yeah...

At the rose ceremony, Horrible Ashley gets a visit from the well-dressed Ben first. He gets down on one knee and proposes. What's horrible about this is the fact that Ashley let him get this far knowing she was going to say no. Poor guy gets dumped. But his reaction is amazing and dignified. We love him. We hate Ashley for letting him get to the point of getting on one knee when she knew she wasn't going to choose him. She just confirmed her horrifitude (made that word up, yes).

Next, JP shows up in his awfully-textured black tux to propose to a stupid Ashley who says yes even though neither of them are sure of this. Surprise! It's the end of another horrible season and we're promised a break-up and tear-filled TV special in the very near future (which will be coincidentally timed perfectly with the start of another Bachelor season). Sidenote: I didn't even see the proposal because I was too entertained by the reaction of my friends with whom I watched this far-too-long season.

Awards:
1) Worst underscore EVER: "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore," by REO Speedwagon during the proposal and its aftermath. If you were wondering what 80s power ballad had the cheapest music rights, now you know. Really? Really...this actually happened.
2) Best Dressed: Ben. All season long. The world has a collective crush on you.
3) Most dignified: Ben. We heart you and your perfectly hipster-meets-prep personal style. See you next season when you're the Bachelor.

Until never,
Mike

P.S. I can't even get started on the "After the Final Rose Special." There wasn't enough wine...even though there was and I drank two bottles on my own over the course of this train-wreck of a night. What? Yes.

To Bone or Not To Bone

Dear Baby Jesus, please make this season end. Oh, what? You're shortening it a week and airing The Dudes Tell All and The Finale back-to-back next week? Thank you for also realizing this is the worst season ever, and that Ashley will go down in history as horrible.

Now that we have that cleared up, let's get to tonight's episode. In two words: it sucked. To Bone or Not To Bone is a seminal moment in each season, yet somehow--like clockwork--Ashley has failed to deliver once again. But before we get into tonight's three boring dates, Ryan (a.k.a. Smiles McGee) returns to reclaim his lost love. Um...no...but more on that later. You still suck, and must we remind you she sent you home!

The first date is with Ben. He is cute, he is fashionable, and he adores her with his doe-eyed oblivion. He's also way more into her than she is into him, and it's slightly upsetting. After 82 seasons of this mess, I can hone right in on the setting-you-up-for-heartbreak music, and it was underscoring the entire date. Of course, we have a few moments of cuteness (or downright overt sexuality) when they cuddle-slash-almost-bone on the boat deck. At dinner, Ben is ready to open up, but we can all read Ashley's over-it face a mile away. Regardless, when faced with the To Bone or Not To Bone date card, they choose: To Bone. However I fail to believe there was boneage. Sad, because I like him best. (Guess who's going to be next season's Bachelor?!?!? You heard it here first.)

The next date is with Constantine. She clearly likes him. He's clearly put on some weight. They have a lovely day on a helicopter and jumping in waterfalls. Then they have a dinner which President Obama rudely decided to interrupt with our silly debt crisis. I mean, really? Is the President of our fair States really prioritizing our inevitable default on debt over Constantine and Ashley's inevitable breakup? Really, Barack? Now?!? The audacity (of hope) this man has is unbelievable! But back to the task at hand...which is Constantine breaking up with Ashley mid-date! Yes, you read that correctly. He says he hoped to be at a point of saying he loved her, and he's unable to do it. He then excuses himself from the date (third guy so far this season!!!) and walks away from free sex. Let's be honest, people. He must have really been over Ashley to walk away from a night of free, guiltless, and paid-for lovemaking in the Fantasy Suite to dump her mid-dinner. It was downright amazing. And with that, Ashley has just set a record for the most-dumped contestant in history. In other words, I'm not the only one who thinks she's the worst. More wine, please. Verdict: Not To Bone.

The last date is with JP. Ashley poignantly describes their relationship as "adventuresome," a word I would not have chosen (nor do I believe exists). But first, she dumps Ryan again. But enough about him. JP and Ashley have a nice date. She definitely likes him, but does she really like him? Or is she just nervous he's the only one that has a chance because she's been walked out on 12 times this season? I think the latter. My favorite part of the date? When Ashley told JP that she and Constantine decided together that there was nothing between them. Amazing euphemism for "he dumped me." It was brilliant. But JP was sold. At the end of the date, the verdict was in: To Bone.

So...another uneventful rose ceremony of foregone conclusions leaves us with:

1) Ben
2) JP (Who wore mandals. MANDALS!!!!!!)

Awards:
1) Worst: Ashley

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. For those who missed it, The Dudes Tell All is next Sunday, and The Finale is next Monday. 7 more days until we're free!

Hometown Dates

This will be fast. Why? Because I missed last week due to my famous trip to Sonoma. Why was I there? Because this show forced me to take an entire trip focused on wine and the consumption thereof. Wine makes life easier because this show makes life hard. Thanks. That is all. (Sorry for the atypical delay in posting, for real.)

Before the first hometown date, we get to see Ashley's studio apartment (yes, I just said studio--as in one-room home--in Philadelphia). Nothing like a Bachelorette living the glamorous life.

Date one: Constantine at home in Georgia. They start at his Italian restaurant. Yes, you read that correctly. The Greek guy's Italian restaurant. Naturally. But then you throw in a Greek dad and a full on Southern mom, and it makes sense. Just a mixed bag, if you will. Cute dinner and a nice family--especially when the extended family showed up for a fulfills-all-stereotypes Greek family gathering dance party. Awesome. Overall, I give the date an A-. She got the approval of both Mom and Dad. Opa!

Date two: Ames and his WASP-defining family. Nothing like the Main Line, Philadephia to reenforce every stereotype of the American WASP. It's amazing. Horse-farm-dwelling-yet-urbane stiff-upper-lipped family? Brilliant. He and his sister, Serena, are literally twins (down to the teeth and forehead), and I love all of it. Her name is not fitting, but whatever. Her Botox is also a mess, but whatever. Don't worry about the sister's convo with Ashley. It happened poolside...next to their INDOOR pool. Like, barf. I mean, do they live in a house, or a country club? Or is there any difference to Ames's family? My favorite part? His sister hits home the fact that no one can find a fault in Ames. Um...yes they can. I've met five of them and his faults are pretty pronounced. What? Yes. I also loved that his family Waspily (didn't say it verbally, but said it with their tone and facial expressions) realized that Ashely is not one of them. She's essentially the help, and I almost expected his mom and sister to ask Ashley to clear the dishes. Later, Ames and Ashley spend some time alone where we are now shown that, without a doubt, the two share no chemistry.

Next we head to--where else??--Sonoma! Ben F. is cute in his grey jeans and boat shoes and he's smitten as he takes her to taste his wines out of the barrel. Ahhh...to be smitten. And wine tasting. (Sidenote: I want his family's house in Sonoma. Thanks.) They share a dinner with Mom and Sister. And then there's the emotional talk about Dad with Mom, and we all cry. OK, Ben just jumped to the top of my list on which he was already towering. Ben is falling for her, she likes him back, and there's not much more to say.

Finally, we head to Long Guyland to meet JP's family. Upon seeing him, Ashley confirms she definitely likes him with her reaction and demeanor. Since it's raining, they go roller skating, like all 7th graders do. All the details were there, down to the number one power ballad of all time: REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling." I died. Then I barfed. Then I died more when they shared wine out of paper cups. Later on, we head to his family's house in Roslyn, NY. From here on out, please read everything in a harrible Long Guyland accent. Their house is wondahfully suburban, and it's positively perfect...in a vinyl-sided kind of way. Everyone is so darn concerned about JP, though. Who was this devil woman who broke his heart so profoundly? Poor guy. But, not too poor. He's totally fallen for Ashley and is confident they'll end up together. This may not end well...

Back in LA Ashley chooses everyone but Ames. Surprise!

The final three:
1) Constantine
2) Ben
3) JP

Goodbye Ames. Your incapacity to process your dismissal was hilarious. Your dumbfounded face was priceless and we enjoyed every minute of your mouth agape. And your fake tan. In addition, your jacket was pinned AGAIN. Why did this happen twice?

Sorry for posting this so late. Another update after tonight's episode.

Until...um...tonight,
Mike

Made in Taiwan

Children...we only have a few episodes left until this dreaded season comes to a close and another impending breakup is upon us. I pray we make it through. Thank God we have wine to dull the pain.

Tonight we continue our travels through Asia, and find ourselves in Taipei, Taiwan. We've got four dates to get through, so let's get started!

Date one goes to Constantine. Honestly, I have little to report. They paint a paper lantern, walk around, and share a dinner. I'm not sold that Constantine is into Ms. Ashley, and his lack of leg-grazing confirms the fact. But, he is getting cuter as the season goes on. Is he into her? I vote maybe. A big Greek maybe.

Date two brings the second Josh Groban look-a-like together with Ashley on a moped cruise through the gorges of Taiwan. After a brilliant Dumb and Dumber reference by Ben, the lovebugs hop on the motorcycle and drive around the Taiwanese countryside. Later, at dinner, Ben is wearing a killer outfit (chambray shirt and dark jeans)--total preppy hipster--and I love it. He is 100% falling for her, and I just can't tell if she's not feeling it or just drunk. But, after he lays some special lines on her, they kiss. Is she a bad kisser? Perhaps. Give us some tongue, people! Enough of this pecking BS. But later, they go at it and he totally rubs up on her.

As I was ruminating on whether or not Ben and Ashley were made to be, we cut to the next morning when Ben returns from the date. Excuse me, what? Did he have the chance to bone her before the To Bone or Not to Bone episode? Is he jumping the gun on jumping her bones? Honestly, I don't really care. But you know who does? JP. He about loses it as Ben returns home the morning after he left for his date. He can't handle it, and slightly freaks out. Unfortunately for bald guys, we can see those veins bulging much easier without hair (Thank you Baby Jesus, for blessing me with a full mop up top!) and his emotions are plainly visible.

The group date is next, and lucky Lucas, Ames and JP get to go to a wedding photo shoot where they dress up in idiotic outfits and take stereotypical Asian wedding pics. It's like the worst date ever. Lucas is dressed in a manmono (man kimono), Ames looks like Elton John, and JP (lucky) dons a dapper black tux. The photo shoot goes OK, and afterwards, there is a cocktail party and some one-on-one time. Ames busts out the big guns with Nantucket reds, a blue oxford, and a navy blazer (I die). Unfortunately for him, JP gets the rose after proving that--perhaps--he's more insecure than Ashley. JP divulges to her that he's not dealing with her dating other guys very well, and I think she secretly loves the validation of her innate insecurity. I think JP's strategery works perfectly as his honestly earns him a rose.

The last one-on-one goes to Mr. Happy (Ryan). Or is he? Honestly, the date is a bore. It's the moment he's been waiting for all season...and...well...he blows it. They have nothing to talk about, he quizzes her--after moments of silence and awkwardness--on her environmental concerns (did he really bring water heaters into the conversation??!!??), and she's just not feeling it. Nor are we. Thus, she lets him go in the middle of the date. His reaction was priceless. His smile lines/crows feet quickly turn to frown lines, and we're forced to endure far too many minutes of forced fake tears, emotion, and hilarious photo ops as he deals with the stunning blow to his ever-so-smiley ego. The montage of walks past bridal boutiques, thoughtful moments in rose gardens, and priceless cab hailings against a heart-shaped flower backdrop (I'm serious) were nearing the point of priceless. But honestly, good riddance Sir Smiles-a-lot. We've had enough.

After his emotional parting, Ashley knows who's getting the boot as she tells Chris that she will not be hosting a cocktail party prior to the rose ceremony. So...duh...she gives roses to:

1) JP
2) Constantine
3) Ben
4) Ames--Kudos to anyone who noticed his jacket was pinned to appear better fitting than it actually was. Um...stylists?

Byeeee: Lucas. Best of luck back on the oil fields of Texas. As if Ashley is cut out for that life. And as if this decision was a surprise.

Tonights awards.
1) Best outfit: Ames's Nantucket reds ensemble. Close second goes to hipster-meets-prep Ben. Love him.
2) Frontrunner: Ben. Sorry JP...you've been dethroned.
3) The Close Your Mouth Award: Ames. Just see if he EVER closes his mouth. He can't. Must be the size of his ego and veneers keeping that bad boy propped open.

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. Emily came back and told us why she and Bromack broke up. Except for she didn't. Not a word about why they parted. Do you think her Dallas-style blowout and boob inflation had anything to do with it? Or is Brad intimidated by the fact that any part of her face above her eye sockets is incapable of moving? Awesome. And we'll be seeing her on the next season of The Bachelorette.

Bromack. Emily. Donezo.

Read all the juice here.

The inevitable break-up has finally occurred. And another one bites the dust.