It's only episode two and I'm already tired. This show is simply exhausting, and it drives me to drink and stress eat far too much. Of course I'll never miss an episode as I have adoring fans worldwide, but if I were a free man I would probably be doing more manly and normal things like watching the NCAA national championship game featuring one drunk Southern school versus another. Alas I am not a free man, and I remained chained to two hours of hell on a weekly basis. You're welcome.
This week Ben whisks the girls away to his adopted hometown of Sonoma, CA. The first one-on-one date goes to my personal favorite, Kacie B. from Tennessee (I love her even more now that I just realized her name is a rhyme). Ben picks her up in his old-school Bronco convertible (my dream car!) and they spend the day in downtown Sonoma. At one point, Kacie finds a baton at a toy store and confesses to Ben she was a baton twirler when she was younger. Cue the performance and my embarrassment. But we love Kacie, so it's okay. Later, they budding lovebirds share a dinner at The Girl and The Fig (I love this place) and I think they actually have a connection. Ben gives Kacie a rose at dinner, and then they head to the movie theatre where the feature is old home movies of Kacie as a baby and Ben and his dad. Too soon? Yes. Debbie Downer alert, for sure. This causes Ben to cry on his first date with Kacie...which is both heartwarming and weak. They kiss. Aww...
The second date is a cluster-date with somewhere between 12 and 15 chicks. My idea of a disaster date. First, the girls put on a play with local children of wine snobs (this is Sonoma, after all) that makes me cringe at least 14 times. Granted, I loved the hilarious costumes, but still. And then Ben takes his shirt off on stage. Naturally. Okay, this is the first time Ben has taken his shirt off...including last season. Clearly those biceps were born in the off season. Kudos, ABC.
Later, the girls get to woo Ben in their swimsuits during the gratuitous pool scene. Ben starts kissing everyone, and eventually falls under Blakeley's horse face-jugs-and-chiclet-teeth-fueled evil spell. Poor Jennifer from Oklahoma feels bad and used, and the rest of the girls are just pissed. Samantha put it best, when referring to Blakeley: "We hate her. She's horsey and tranny." I couldn't have said it better myself. But I'll say it anyway. Blakeley (who serves drinks at NASCAR races and poses nude in her real life) has concrete boobs, a veneer flipper, and enough makeup to paint an entire drag queen show twice over. But don't worry, she gets the rose. And Ben's stock plummets.
The next, and last, date goes to Courtney, this season's other Villain. They share lunch, no original thoughts, and then they kiss and she gets the rose. Courtney literally has no thoughts of her own, and only regurgitates everything Ben tells her in order to keep the conversation going. Maybe she should focus less on trying to think of things to say, and more on figuring out how to work her oddly-inactive upper lip.
At the rose ceremony, everything that you would expect to happen actually happens. What's that, you ask? Blakeley is a bitch who interrupts not one, not two, but three girls' conversations with Ben. Jenna is an emotional train wreck who is so far removed from her mood stabilizers I'm thinking the producers hid all sharp objects in a 20-mile radius. Surprise! She cries again (12 times) about absolutely nothing. And the other chicks are grumpy and uneasy about the too-early drama that has blessed the sacred house. Someone refers to Blakeley as a "horse face" which causes her to feign emotion and hide in a bedroom. Ben then finds her (in a room filled with lights and cameras, wow!) and convinces her to come back out and join the living and less-inflated members of the cast. Next, he finds Tears McGee (Jenna) and urges her to do the same...only to dump her five minutes later at the rose ceremony. YES!
So, roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Blakeley
3) Courtney
4) Jennifer
5) Emily
6) Elyse
7) Jaclyn
8) Erika
9) Rachel
10) Lindzi
11) Nicki
12) Casey
13) Samantha
14) Monica
15) Jamie
16) Brittney
Byeee to: Jenna (CRAZY) and Shawn (two-toned hair)
Tonight's awards:
1) Front runner: Kacie
2) Fakest everything (including personality): Blakeley
3) Poster child for what going off your Lithium/Xanax/Valium cocktail could do to you: Jenna.
Until next week,
Mike
3 comments:
ahahahahahaha - the inactive lip! i was trying to figure that out all night. is that what botox will do? and jenna trying to have a conversation with ben... didn't she say something about she is god, then she is a man?? i couldn't follow that. what a mess these women are.
And there was the one girl with the butt cleavage. I don't know if the dress was too tight (probably) or what but the front of her looked like a butt instead of boobs. yuck.
Chiclets!! Funny :)
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