It’s move-in day on The Bachelorette, and this season, the rules have changed. The boys will not be living in a lavish estate, rather, they have been relegated to the “guest house” down the hill from DeAnna’s mansion where they’ll be bunking like campmates. My favorite part? The outdoor shower. According to me, the guest house is a fun twist, and my opinion is the only one that matters. Here’s the juicy caveat: each week, three boys get to move in to the mansion with DeAnna. The first three lucky boys are Jeremy, Jesse and Richard (the recipients of last week’s first three roses). The rest of the boys tucked their tails between their legs, and did the “walk of shame” down to the guest house.
After the move-in is settled, we get underway with this episode’s three dates. The first group date is a night at the Magic Castle in Hollywood with Jason, Ryan, Twilley, Sean, Paul, Fred and Richard. It’s a night of magic tricks and disappearing acts, and Jason and DeAnna are the first to magically disappear. Unfortunately, their destination was the land of awkward and forced conversation, and I hated it. As each man had some one-on-one time with DeAnna, and all had a few tricks up their sleeves. Sean is wearing a horrific striped suit and is interrupted by a piano that mocks him. Twilley tells a story that lasts 82 hours and is later accused by the dudes of being “along for the ride” and of being “the least genuine” of all the guys by Ryan, the perfect virgin. Richard performs some magic of his own and gives DeAnna a paper flower. Paul, surprisingly, gets the rose after getting into a deep conversation about how he’s ready to settle. Come on. You’re 23. You’re also Canadian, so everything you say isn’t even real because your country is a mythical place. Simmer down.
The next date is a one-on-one with Graham, a.k.a. Hot As Hell. You can tell from the start that DeAnna has high expectations for their connection, and from the get-go, it just seems natural. No awkward conversations, no uncomfortable silence, just easy-breezy conversation and banter. I love it. He’s a doll and I’m dating him as soon as the season is over; he just doesn’t know it yet. DeAnna and Graham soon arrive to a secluded beach where they fly a kite (or try, at least), chat, and flirt some more. As the sun sets, DeAnna grills him about his past relationships and his intentions. This provides a bit of a revelation: is Graham the next Brad Womack? Is he a heartbreaker in the making? Is he ready to settle down? Graham certainly leaves a lot to the imagination as we just can’t quite pin down his motives. Oooh, the intrigue. Of course, everyone wants what they can’t have, so DeAnna totally wants him more even though she’s afraid she’ll get hurt. But, in the end, he reaffirms that he is in this for the right reasons, and they share a hot kiss. Clearly, he gets the rose. Sidenote: for the first time, I kind of liked DeAnna. Maybe she isn’t cold and aloof. Maybe, just maybe, she has a heart and true emotions.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, Twilley is waiting to catch DeAnna after her date with Graham in order to impress upon her his true intentions. DeAnna, in a post-Graham haze, saunters towards the mansion only to find Twilley waiting for her. In true Twilley fashion, he awkwardly tries to verbalize the fact that he is there for the right reasons, but it just comes out all wrong. Coupled with the fact that he waited for DeAnna like a stalker, and the whole scene was just a bit too much.
The last date was a day at the ballpark with Chris, Robert, Brian, Jesse, Ron, Jeremy and Eric. They all descend upon Dodger Stadium for a day of private baseball, which has to be every guy’s wet dream (I mean, every guy except for me who despised the boring game of baseball and spent the springs of his childhood picking dandelions in the outfield and waiting for the game to end so he could eat orange slices and juice boxes and the occasional chocolate pudding pop from the cool mom who brought good post-game treats. But I totally hit a few homers, too, so don’t think I wasn’t butch as hell). The guys arrive on the field and are greeted by Tommy Lasorda, and the wet dream only gets better. Lasorda gives a quick motivational speech, and the boys take their turns at the National Anthem. Hot tranny mess. Poor Chris was in the spotlight, but they all gave it a try, and they all sucked. Next the guys take their turn at the plate: each guy got 10 pitches, and the guy with the most homeruns won some time with DeAnna. Clearly the hottest guy won, and that was Jeremy. Fool knocked six homers out of the park. The next best dudes only hit two. Awesome. Jeremy divulges to DeAnna that both of his parents have passed away, and it’s totally emotional. Being a dude, he fights back tears, but you can tell he’s emotional about it. DeAnna feels like a douche for asking, but they totally connect. He eventually gets the rose. We also learn on this date that Brian is cute and fun (love me some salt and pepper hair), and Eric is boring and Greek.
On the night of the rose ceremony, the boys show up at the mansion and Jeremy greets them with “Welcome to our home.” The boys freak out and assume Jeremy is a pompous ass, and proceed to turn into big fat girls about the whole thing. Idiots. They’re just jealous, and Jeremy isn’t a dick. I’m serious. We made out last summer, and he’s totally nice. Jeremy then rubs salt in the girls’ wounds by spending more time with DeAnna. One push-up contest later, DeAnna chooses:
1) Paul
2) Graham
3) Jeremy
4) Ron
5) Jesse
6) Robert
7) Brian
8) Jason
9) Fred
10) Sean
11) Richard
12) Twilley
Goodbye to: Chris, Ryan and Eric the Greek.
Ryan tells us as he leaves that he was voted “Friendliest” in eighth grade. Awesome. So was I, fool. Northern Hills Middle School’s Friendliest eighth grader in 1994. You’re looking at him, and damn he looks good. Just because we’re friendly, Ryan, doesn’t mean we’ll marry DeAnna Pappas.
Awards:
1) Heartbreaker: Graham
2) Drama Queens: all the boys
3) Front-runner: Jeremy, by a long-shot
4) Worst fashion choices (Untied ties? Seriously?): Graham and Twilley
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The Bachelorette is Back.
With no respite whatsoever, ABC has begun another to-be-doomed season of the worst show on television—and we love it. It’s back folks. The tables have once again turned, and this season, a woman holds the cards. It’s as if the genders are “equal” or something. I’m rather confused, but excited all at once because we get to see boys make fools of themselves (and hopefully take off their shirts).
Before I get to the analysis of the disappointing crop of dudes, let me first comment on the re-introduction of Ms. DeAnna Pappas. They paint the picture of unrequited love, of heartbreak, of despair. Wow, she sure seems like a woman I’d like to date! (No jokes from the peanut gallery, please.) Yet, through it all, she is apparently Ms. Available!
I have two goals for this season: 1) Lots of mrama (man drama); and 2) lots of mears (man tears). And on to the show.
The 25 suitors arrived limo by limo to meet the gold-clad DeAnna whose butt looked big in her dress. ABC did a nice job of foreshadowing major players of the season with the quick intro of the boys in their hometowns (namely, Jason, the Single Dad). Clearly he’s sticking around for a while. He’s also hot, so he wins! Yay!
As the arrivals begin, we realize that DeAnna looks better than most of the losers she’s hoping to marry (who wore far too many dark-colored dress shirts). Also, was it just me, or was there a one-in-five twirl ratio? Why did the men feel the need to twirl DeAnna as though they were on the dance floor? Is this what straight people do upon meeting others of the opposite sex? It’s beyond me, and, quite frankly, embarrassing.
This episode offers a new twist in that DeAnna gets three First Impression Roses. Clearly they’re going to the three hottest guys, because what better way to impress than with stunning good looks? DeAnna surprises no one by quickly choosing the hottest guy (and last to arrive) of them all for the first First Impression Rose: Jeremy, the attorney from TX. Hot. Take of your shirt.
As we meet the men through the evening, we realize that ABC has successfully cast the show and fulfilled all necessary quotas.
Doesn’t Fit Into A Mold/Free-Thinking/Weird-Dressing Guy: Jesse
Horrible Midwestern Accent Guy: Fred
Faith-filled Virgin Guy: Ryan
Divorced Guy: Ron
Endearing and Hot Single Dad Guy: Jason
Canadian Guy: Paul
Homosexual Guy: To Be Determined
As the night progresses, DeAnna awards the next two First Impression Roses to Jesse and his Technicolor Dreamcoat, and Richard the Science Nerd. Richard wins the Dark Horse Award in the First Impression Rose race for stealing Jason and/or Graham’s thunder as frontrunners.
A few notes on the contenders…
Ron, the divorced barber, cannot converse, has no personality, and has HORRENDOUS style. I’m sorry, a vest with the tie untucked? What?
(I love The Bachelorette for showcasing guys and their lack of style. With no one telling them what to wear, we never know what we’ll see!)
Fred’s accent is excruciatingly awful, and simply unbearable. Where was he raised? In the bar next to Soldier Field? I mean, I’m from Michigan, but this is too much!
Ryan has never boned, and he sucks.
Luke, the oyster farmer, gives DeAnna a pearl necklace and Robert, the cook, gives her crabs. All on the first date!
Graham is hot.
Eric is Greek.
Brian from IN is a loser who shows off his not-so-good abs.
Paul jumps in the pool and wears underwear with DeAnna’s name on them.
Sean kicks a lemon off Jesse’s head because he’s in to martial arts (he also has a mullet).
Greg, the personal trainer, speaks in the third person, has 82 tats, and has chest acne from the steroids. If that isn’t hot, I don’t know what is.
Jenni, the other lover Brad Womack scorned, returns to give DeAnna advice. And she’s apparently engaged? Amazing.
After a rather uneventful first episode, DeAnna chooses her lovers.
1) Jeremy
2) Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
3) Richard
4) Ron
5) Graham
6) Eric
7) Robert
8) Sean
9) Ryan. Gotta keep the virgin around!
10) Chris
11) Paul
12) Fred. Ugh, that accent!
13) Twilley (I’m sorry, what? Did you say “Twilley”?)
14) Jason
15) Brian TX
Tonight’s awards:
1) Best Outfit: Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
2) Least Sexed: Ryan the Virgin.
3) Surprising early exits: Chandler the Southern boy and Luke the oyster farmer.
4) Douche: Greg, the personal trainer
5) Possible Dark Horse: Twilley
6) Frontrunners: Jeremy, Graham, Jason. The three hottest dudes.
Until next week,
Mike
Before I get to the analysis of the disappointing crop of dudes, let me first comment on the re-introduction of Ms. DeAnna Pappas. They paint the picture of unrequited love, of heartbreak, of despair. Wow, she sure seems like a woman I’d like to date! (No jokes from the peanut gallery, please.) Yet, through it all, she is apparently Ms. Available!
I have two goals for this season: 1) Lots of mrama (man drama); and 2) lots of mears (man tears). And on to the show.
The 25 suitors arrived limo by limo to meet the gold-clad DeAnna whose butt looked big in her dress. ABC did a nice job of foreshadowing major players of the season with the quick intro of the boys in their hometowns (namely, Jason, the Single Dad). Clearly he’s sticking around for a while. He’s also hot, so he wins! Yay!
As the arrivals begin, we realize that DeAnna looks better than most of the losers she’s hoping to marry (who wore far too many dark-colored dress shirts). Also, was it just me, or was there a one-in-five twirl ratio? Why did the men feel the need to twirl DeAnna as though they were on the dance floor? Is this what straight people do upon meeting others of the opposite sex? It’s beyond me, and, quite frankly, embarrassing.
This episode offers a new twist in that DeAnna gets three First Impression Roses. Clearly they’re going to the three hottest guys, because what better way to impress than with stunning good looks? DeAnna surprises no one by quickly choosing the hottest guy (and last to arrive) of them all for the first First Impression Rose: Jeremy, the attorney from TX. Hot. Take of your shirt.
As we meet the men through the evening, we realize that ABC has successfully cast the show and fulfilled all necessary quotas.
Doesn’t Fit Into A Mold/Free-Thinking/Weird-Dressing Guy: Jesse
Horrible Midwestern Accent Guy: Fred
Faith-filled Virgin Guy: Ryan
Divorced Guy: Ron
Endearing and Hot Single Dad Guy: Jason
Canadian Guy: Paul
Homosexual Guy: To Be Determined
As the night progresses, DeAnna awards the next two First Impression Roses to Jesse and his Technicolor Dreamcoat, and Richard the Science Nerd. Richard wins the Dark Horse Award in the First Impression Rose race for stealing Jason and/or Graham’s thunder as frontrunners.
A few notes on the contenders…
Ron, the divorced barber, cannot converse, has no personality, and has HORRENDOUS style. I’m sorry, a vest with the tie untucked? What?
(I love The Bachelorette for showcasing guys and their lack of style. With no one telling them what to wear, we never know what we’ll see!)
Fred’s accent is excruciatingly awful, and simply unbearable. Where was he raised? In the bar next to Soldier Field? I mean, I’m from Michigan, but this is too much!
Ryan has never boned, and he sucks.
Luke, the oyster farmer, gives DeAnna a pearl necklace and Robert, the cook, gives her crabs. All on the first date!
Graham is hot.
Eric is Greek.
Brian from IN is a loser who shows off his not-so-good abs.
Paul jumps in the pool and wears underwear with DeAnna’s name on them.
Sean kicks a lemon off Jesse’s head because he’s in to martial arts (he also has a mullet).
Greg, the personal trainer, speaks in the third person, has 82 tats, and has chest acne from the steroids. If that isn’t hot, I don’t know what is.
Jenni, the other lover Brad Womack scorned, returns to give DeAnna advice. And she’s apparently engaged? Amazing.
After a rather uneventful first episode, DeAnna chooses her lovers.
1) Jeremy
2) Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
3) Richard
4) Ron
5) Graham
6) Eric
7) Robert
8) Sean
9) Ryan. Gotta keep the virgin around!
10) Chris
11) Paul
12) Fred. Ugh, that accent!
13) Twilley (I’m sorry, what? Did you say “Twilley”?)
14) Jason
15) Brian TX
Tonight’s awards:
1) Best Outfit: Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
2) Least Sexed: Ryan the Virgin.
3) Surprising early exits: Chandler the Southern boy and Luke the oyster farmer.
4) Douche: Greg, the personal trainer
5) Possible Dark Horse: Twilley
6) Frontrunners: Jeremy, Graham, Jason. The three hottest dudes.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
And she's already NOT surprising us...
http://tvwatch.people.com/2008/05/13/the-bachelor-winner-poses-in-girls-gone-wild-magazine/
Shayne. Girls Gone Wild.
It's heaven.
Shayne. Girls Gone Wild.
It's heaven.
Things just don't go my way.
After a rough-and-tumble few months in the love department, my heart has been broken again. ABC, I’m so pissed at you. You’ve gone ahead and guaranteed another failed match on The Bachelor. At least this time we won’t be duped into thinking they’ll actually work out. (Trying to spin this positively here.)
And on to the genius that is The Bachelor: London Calling…
The episode begins in London, where the two remaining girls arrive to meet Matt and the Grant family, who are clearly quite well off. The first American to arrive is Chelsea, surely the inevitable winner of this season. He loves her, it’s obvious. After taking in a few London sights, the lovebirds arrive to the Grant family home. They are greeted by brother Simon, mom Trish, and dad Tony. Clearly Matt was the recipient of the hot genes. The mom was cute, the dad was mute, and the brother seemed fun. Kudos to dad for pulling off a turtleneck and blazer. The date wasn’t too eventful, but the family definitely took a liking to Chelsea. Her mom fulfilled every Brit’s duty by saying “lovely” on like 82 occasions. Lovely.
Next, the blonde bimbo arrives to London. This is Shayne’s first trip across the pond, and she thoroughly enjoys it. Clearly her parents were too busy being nipped and tucked to take their daughters on vacation…but that’s LA for you. After Matt babysits her through some London highlights, they arrive to the Grant home and the reaction is inevitable. Is she for real? Does Matt really like her? Simon seems to possess the same “honesty gene” as Matt, and fully admits to Shayne that he judged her upon meeting her. Amazing. Dad once again wears a turtleneck and blazer, but this time he says something! He asks Shayne how old she is, to which she responds, “12.” Right on. Couldn’t be more true. The inevitable “Monkey” is stated, and the two part ways. It’s so going to be Chelsea.
Back in Barbados, we have our final two dates before judgment day. Chelsea is first up to the plate once again. The lovers helicopter around the island, totally bone on the beach, and share one final night together before they become engaged. Chelsea gives Matt a “California Survival Kit” as a present, and it’s cute. She fully opens up and they confess to falling in love with each other. So sweet. So in love. So ending up together.
Shayne is up next, and Matt is less than thrilled to see her. But he powers through the date, as they parasail in the waters of Barbados. At night, Shayne gives Matt the requisite gift for the last night. It’s a picture of her on the beach with “I love you” inscribed in the sand. He doesn’t respond with an “I love you” back, rather, upon prodding, says, “Without doubt, I’m falling in love with you too.” Weak. Clearly he’s just saying what he thinks he should say, and none of us believe it. Thank goodness, because I don’t know if I could handle it if they ended up together. I mean, barf.
And then they end up together.
The big moment arrives and Chelsea shows up first. Her dress isn’t that cute, but whatever. From the first words, I can tell Matt is breaking up with her. Vomit. I honestly did not need this mess this season. My heart is already broken; I didn’t need the television to kick me while I was already down. Amazing. I hate everyone.
Chelsea kind of blows it near the end when she says of Shayne, “She was the fakest one here.” Matt seemed a bit peeved by this, and they say their goodbyes. Chelsea is pissed. Goodbye forever.
Next, Shayne arrives looking pretty cute in a little yellow number with sequins. The babydoll dress is fitting for a baby. I tuned most of Matt’s speech out until he said this dream of a line: “Monkey, will you marry me?” Shayne, busting out her best (not good) acting chops, reacts with pure emotion, her knees buckle, and she accepts. Vomit. Barf. Spew.
But back to the positive note here: at least we know they won’t last.
Until next Monday,
Mike
Next Monday: The Bachelorette is back! Finally, lots of shirtless men and man drama. It’s been far too long. DeAnna still sucks, though.
And on to the genius that is The Bachelor: London Calling…
The episode begins in London, where the two remaining girls arrive to meet Matt and the Grant family, who are clearly quite well off. The first American to arrive is Chelsea, surely the inevitable winner of this season. He loves her, it’s obvious. After taking in a few London sights, the lovebirds arrive to the Grant family home. They are greeted by brother Simon, mom Trish, and dad Tony. Clearly Matt was the recipient of the hot genes. The mom was cute, the dad was mute, and the brother seemed fun. Kudos to dad for pulling off a turtleneck and blazer. The date wasn’t too eventful, but the family definitely took a liking to Chelsea. Her mom fulfilled every Brit’s duty by saying “lovely” on like 82 occasions. Lovely.
Next, the blonde bimbo arrives to London. This is Shayne’s first trip across the pond, and she thoroughly enjoys it. Clearly her parents were too busy being nipped and tucked to take their daughters on vacation…but that’s LA for you. After Matt babysits her through some London highlights, they arrive to the Grant home and the reaction is inevitable. Is she for real? Does Matt really like her? Simon seems to possess the same “honesty gene” as Matt, and fully admits to Shayne that he judged her upon meeting her. Amazing. Dad once again wears a turtleneck and blazer, but this time he says something! He asks Shayne how old she is, to which she responds, “12.” Right on. Couldn’t be more true. The inevitable “Monkey” is stated, and the two part ways. It’s so going to be Chelsea.
Back in Barbados, we have our final two dates before judgment day. Chelsea is first up to the plate once again. The lovers helicopter around the island, totally bone on the beach, and share one final night together before they become engaged. Chelsea gives Matt a “California Survival Kit” as a present, and it’s cute. She fully opens up and they confess to falling in love with each other. So sweet. So in love. So ending up together.
Shayne is up next, and Matt is less than thrilled to see her. But he powers through the date, as they parasail in the waters of Barbados. At night, Shayne gives Matt the requisite gift for the last night. It’s a picture of her on the beach with “I love you” inscribed in the sand. He doesn’t respond with an “I love you” back, rather, upon prodding, says, “Without doubt, I’m falling in love with you too.” Weak. Clearly he’s just saying what he thinks he should say, and none of us believe it. Thank goodness, because I don’t know if I could handle it if they ended up together. I mean, barf.
And then they end up together.
The big moment arrives and Chelsea shows up first. Her dress isn’t that cute, but whatever. From the first words, I can tell Matt is breaking up with her. Vomit. I honestly did not need this mess this season. My heart is already broken; I didn’t need the television to kick me while I was already down. Amazing. I hate everyone.
Chelsea kind of blows it near the end when she says of Shayne, “She was the fakest one here.” Matt seemed a bit peeved by this, and they say their goodbyes. Chelsea is pissed. Goodbye forever.
Next, Shayne arrives looking pretty cute in a little yellow number with sequins. The babydoll dress is fitting for a baby. I tuned most of Matt’s speech out until he said this dream of a line: “Monkey, will you marry me?” Shayne, busting out her best (not good) acting chops, reacts with pure emotion, her knees buckle, and she accepts. Vomit. Barf. Spew.
But back to the positive note here: at least we know they won’t last.
Until next Monday,
Mike
Next Monday: The Bachelorette is back! Finally, lots of shirtless men and man drama. It’s been far too long. DeAnna still sucks, though.
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