Finale

Welcome to the world’s shortest Bachelor finale. Yes, ABC continues its budget cuts by squeezing the “most dramatic final rose ceremony” into fewer than 60 minutes. Amazing.

To further emphasize the budget woes, the final two ladies do not visit Brad in his hometown, the family comes to Malibu so the girls can just show up in a limo and visit for five minutes.

First things first: the little brother, Wes. Let’s talk about the Womack gene pool and how it pooled all its resources in the first two boys, Brad and Chad. The twins got the business, and the little bro got screwed. Sucks to be him.

DeAnna is the first to arrive at Brad’s bachelor pad. She meets the family, she retains her typical unemotional and business-like persona, and she blows.

Jenni arrives next, and the Womack family stomachs their second meal in two hours and the also does their best to stomach Jenni’s horribly annoying laugh. It’s unbearable to say the least, and I have to mute the telly. Nothing else eventful happens because there’s only 40 minutes left in the episode!

On to step two: the final date before you get a) proposed to; or b) dissed for eternity.

DeAnna cooks or bakes or does something. They cuddle. Nothing happens. Honestly, I’m so glad this is the last episode because I can’t deal anymore.

Jenni entertains Brad next, and she tells him she loves him. Her dress is cheap and dumb and she doesn’t know how to use her chopsticks over their Asian feast. She uses two hands, and I love every minute of it.

And then…we see her tattoo in a brief moment of cinematic genius. Of smiley faces. On her shoulder. It’s really a work of art…by a kindergartner.

And then she reads from her diary. I am forced to hand the remote to my couch companion, Aileen, because she knows I will mute the whole speech. And then she reads the next work of American literary genius from her dear diary. I barf.

Sidenote: worst season ever.

Brad goes to Chopard to buy a ring. And then he shows his hot bod, and then he chooses the girl.

Jenni arrives first. Our thoughts swirl. Is he choosing DeAnna? Is ABC screwing with our minds and making us think he hates Jenni? Is this the worst season ever? Oh, sorry, off topic.

And then, he dumps her. Wait, for real? Is he really choosing the cold, unemotional disaster that is DeAnna? Well, once we see Jenni’s eye make-up, it makes it easier for us, but still. And then, we realize we don’t care because we are entirely uninvested in any of these women.

DeAnna arrives to the scene next. Brad says, “There is not a single thing that I’m looking for in my future wife that DeAnna does not possess.” Oh really. You don’t want emotions? Or, better yet, you want a cold-as-ice bride? Good for you! You win! Brad chooses her. Bore galore.

OR WAIT!!!!! HE DOESN’T!!!!! He leaves her alone on the pedestal while he thinks about it, and then he returns to DUMP HER TOO!!! ARE. YOU. KIDDING?!?!?!?! Sidenote: I felt bad for five seconds while she stood there alone, and then I realize that I love every minute of it because I’m actually surprised. And who cares. She’s cold as ice.

Worst season ever quickly turns into the best ending ever. We no longer have to read in People in January that the blessed engagement is over and Brad has moved on. We no longer have to tell our friends that we like this show even though it blows and it’s full of empty promises.

And so it comes full circle, my beloved readers. We now understand the “budget cuts” and the short episodes, and the utter disaster that was this season. ABC knew there was nothing. We knew too, but we were fooled. I love it.

Until next time…if there is a next time.

Mike

Fantasyland

Fantasyland

It’s Fantasy Date Night and, although the fantasy we once had that this season would be amazing has long faded, we feign excitement and drink more wine…er…watch the show anyway. It’s a night full of hot tubs, hot bods, and hot moments between lovers. Times three.

First things first. All dates are in the same place: Cabo. Budget cuts much? What ever happened to flying around the world to meet the hoes at various tropical locales? What, ABC has resorted to renting a Hertz Rent-a-car and driving three hours south to dirty Mexico? And, let’s not even mention the fact that the episode is like 39 minutes long. Amazing.

The first fantasy date is with Jenni. She shows up in Cabo and swims with the dolphins with Brad while wearing a cheetah-print bikini with pink bows. Yes, I just wrote “cheetah-print bikini with pink bows” and that’s what she wore. Disaster. Then they had dinner. Brad wore a horrendous lime green shirt and Jenni jumped the gun by asking Brad what was in his pocket (i.e. the proposal to bone from Chris Harrison). They boned. End scene. My favorite part? When Brad pretended that he was worried that she might not want to bone…I mean spend the night together.

Then Between-a-Man showed up with her bangin’ bod (and bad skin). They sailed, they went to Lovers’ Beach (reminder to all lovers: we’re vacationing there immediately), they had dinner and it was awkward as always. Every time they’re together it’s like a blind date all over again. She bullsh*ts him and says the only thing her horribly-judgmental family was concerned about was Brad’s intentions and we see through it. If only we could have seen through the walls of their bedroom as they boned 20 minutes later. Damn the man.

DeAnna arrives last. They drive cars. She tells him she’s falling in love, they kiss. Sidenote: every dinner was at the same place. Again, we realize the real estate market is down and CEO’s of the big banks are dropping like flies, but can ABC make their budget cuts more obvious? Let’s get real. And then…you guessed it…they bone in the Fantasy Suite.

Then, in typical budget-cut fashion, Brad walks into to a rose ceremony of already-assembled ladies waiting to be axed. I love The Bachelor in fast-forward motion.

1) Jenni
2) DeAnna

Between-a-Man is once again just that: Between a man. Girl better go home to her judgy family and find some PhD student to marry. She totally wasted a cute dress for nothing. Between-a holds it together, though. But, she’s been through this before, let’s be honest. I also might think she must be a cold-hearted emotionless actress. Her monologue in the limo on the way home was amazing. Big words, no feeling. It was very well-delivered.

Until next week,

Mike