Canal of Tears

So apparently Panama City looks like Dubai? Except the water is brown? I was a little bit surprised, and you were too. Glad we're on the same page.

This episode we're in Panama City, and we've got some Panamanian drama to serve up (is there such a thing as "Panamanian drama"?). Apparently there is.

The first date went to Kacie B. We all love her. But is she right for Ben? They are whisked away on a--surprise!--helicopter to a private island where they hunt for lunch under what we all knew was the guise of professional chefs and survivalists watching from afar. As if they really caught a fish and found their own coconut juice. Ben was wearing Skechers Shape-ups for god's sake. He looked like a dad at Disney World. He was in no way equipped to hunt for fish via fishnet in the wild. But whatever. Later, Kacie confesses to Ben her big secret: she had an eating disorder in high school. Okay, I'm the last person lessen the severity of an issue that plagues so many women (and men) in these modern times of ours. But seriously? I thought she was about to confess to a teenage pregancy and/or child out of wedlock. But she threw up pizza at a Super Bowl party in the late 90s? Not impressed. Regardless, she gets a rose. (And, for the record, I realize eating disorders are a major issue, and I, by no means, actually mean to make fun of them. But this is The Bachelor, for f*&$@ sake, I need something to poke fun at.)

The next date is a jungle fun group date on a dirty river with tribal people and nudity. Yes, you read all that correctly. Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey, Courtney and Jamie join Ben on a river boat/canoe and play games and get paint tattoos with the local rainforest people in computer-generated loincloths (please tell me you all noticed the animated butt-cover-ups on the boys as they ran away in one key scene...it was amazing!). Courtney was topless (obviously) and Ben was attracted to her like any idiot guy would be. Later, at the gratuitous pool scene, the girls get their one-on-one time with Ben. Courtney sluts it up, Lindzi drunk talks her way back into his life, and Jamie blah blah blahs while Courtney strips down into her bikini in the background in order to distract Ben during their one-on-one time. What we've learned is that Ben is a giddy geek that wants to bone Courtney because she's "hot" and he's easily distracted by her ridiculousity. It's amazing, and it totally confirms that dudes are jackasses. What's more? Courtney, playing the role of available slut, offers up her room number to Ben for some late night shenanigans. Later, Emily apologizes for to Courtney for judging her earlier and Courtney, predictably, doesn't accept the apology and proves that Emily's judgment was totally founded and warranted. At the end of the date, the rose goes to Lindzi. And Ben does not (surprise!) visit Courtney in her room.

The last date is the much-dreaded two-on-one between Blakeley and Rachel where only one girl is standing at the end. It's a salsa dance party, and upon seeing the caged exterior of the club, Blakeley got VERY excited. Why? Because she's a "VIP Cocktail Waitress" and she dances in cages for a living. She's stripper, people, and we all know it. Blakeley quickly asserts that she's a "better dancer" than Rachel. Again, it's your job, Blakeley. We can only hope you're a better stripper--I mean dancer--than Rachel. The date is rather awkward, though, because the girls take turns watching the other girl dance with Ben. Later, at dinner, Blakeley shows Ben her scary scrapbook she's made about their relationship. Not only is she a stripper, she's also a psycho. It doesn't take long for Ben to choose Rachel, which sets off a massive meltdown by Blakeley. I mean, she cried on his shoulder for 82 minutes before she was sent away in the Central American model of the Toyota Sierra minivan. It was brills. The van (obvi), and her tears.

The next day, we get what we've all been waiting for. The reason why stupid Casey gets sent home early. Did her grandma die? Is her dad sick? No, she's in love with some d-bag back home, and it's incredibly boring. She also proves she is in no way a wordsmith as she cannot explain herself in English. But she tries. Chris Harrison escorts her to Ben's room where he's "surprised" by her arrival (even though he's accompanied to the door by two cameramen). He tells her to go home, and we don't care. But her trail--ahem, canal (we are in Panama after all)--of tears is amazing. She looks certifiably horrifying while crying. Oh well, best of luck in Kansas.

At the cocktail party, Jamie literally rapes Ben. She wants to prove to Ben she's there for him, and that she wants him. So, like any normal woman would, she tells Ben that she's going to kiss him (closed mouth first, then open-mouth), and "feel him up." Then, she awkwardly straddles him and does just that. While nervously talking. It was at least two glasses of wine worth of horror.

Roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Lindzi
3) Rachel
4) Nicki
5) Courtney
6) Emily

Bye: Blakeley, Casey, Jamie

Awards:
1) Worst cryer: Casey
2) Most awkward: Jamie
3) Most talkative during awkward moments: Jamie
4) Rape victim: Ben (with Jamie)

Until next week,
Mike