Down home

It's hometown date week! First stop: Dallas. City of dreams. And fake boobs and big hair. Speaking of plastic, she's there to meet Zak. First up: she meets Zak in a park where he drives up the family snow cone truck, because that's normal. Then, a pre-coordinated group of 82 school children show up for snow cones so America's sugar-craved obesity epidemic can continue to spread through the flat lands of north Texas. Hooray! Also, she's forced to make all the snow cones just like a good woman should. A bit weird when she said the six-foot-tall penguin was her boyfriend, but whatever.

After snow cone fest, the lovebirds head to meet Zak's family. They pull in to meet mom, dad, brother Denton, and sister Carly. Okay, fine, I'll admit it. All three kids are good looking and it's annoying. Where's the ugly one? Then they sit down to a lovely lunch where they're positioned awkwardly to face the camera. His skinny little mom is positively adorable, and she tells Des to look for that "spark." Sister is also a cutie. Later, Zak sits down with Mom and he really opens up. It's really cute. And then...Zak gets the family together to sing a love song to Des. What could have been a complete disaster, was nicely avoided. His sister and brother (ish) have nice little voices. Des totally cries and it's awesome. After he fully melts her, Zak gives her a ring he bought to symbolize his love. Then he tells her he loves her. It's amazing. Is he shooting into front runner territory? Or is he the guy who gets screwed after the best hometown date of the season?

Next up: Scottsdale, home of Drew. First, they visit his disabled sister, Melissa. Taking a quick break from being bitchy and banter-y, let me admit that there is a special place in this world for siblings of impaired people. He is so kind, and so sweet. After they meet Melissa, they head home to meet the siblings and the parents. They sit down for dinner, and the table has five bottles of wine on it. Do I love this family, or what? Mom and Drew sit down first. Drew tells her about how she makes him feels, and it's cute. Next, Dad tells Desiree that Melissa, their special daughter, is an angel and it's super emotional and honest and heartfelt. Both Mom and Dad give Drew their blessing.

When they say goodbye, Drew tells Melissa he loves her (like five times), and it's pretty cute. I wanted to gauge Des's reaction, but then she started sucking his face. Is that telling?

Next stop: McMinnville, OR. Home of Chris. Totes adorbs. They first head to play baseball. Apparently Chris is a closet athlete, and he has a killer swing. The best part, though, is that she can also hit the ball. He falls in love with her 12 more times. Unfortunately, Chris is wearing bootcut jeans. UGH. But whatever.

Later, they head to to Chris's parents' house, where is becomes apparent that Chris is the hot kid. His sisters are cute, but sometimes...well...Chris is just cuter than the others. Then, in the middle of dinner, dad walks Des downstairs to give her a chiropractic adjustment. I mean...slightly awkward, but whatever. What was awkward was the nose adjustment he gave Chris because we could see his boogers. Later, Mom chats with Des. I wouldn't say she's particularly warm...but it's not bad. But then she tells Chris that he has everyone's blessing because they really like Chris. Mom is super emotional, which is good stuff. Chris, like the other boys, also loves Des. Chris is still in the running, y'all.

Last up: Salt Lake City, home of the Mormons and Brooks. Immediately, Brooks expresses doubt because he's struggling with sharing Des with three other guys. Again, totally normal. They go canoeing in a city park, and take on water at one point. Then, they go to meet the largest family in the history of the universe...I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they live in Utah. They are cute, however. They all sit down for a HUGE family dinner with no wine, which is awkward. The siblings all seem really into marriage and stuff, so it's a bit intense. Mom is pretty cute too, and Brooks clearly seeks her approval. Mom gives her blessing, as does everyone else. Cute...rather uneventful...but cute. No "I love you" from Brooks, but does that matter? Good god, I hope not.

Last step: The Return of Psycho Brother, the guy who ruined Sean's chances with Desiree. Apparently they haven't seen each other since the last dreaded run-in...so six months later, here we are again. Hold please, can we please discuss Des's family? I wish I understood their odd dynamic. Is it something anyone would like to marry in to? No thank you.

Before the rose ceremony, Des meets with Chris. Am I the only one that missed the fact that she openly loves Brooks and talks about how she wants him? What the hell did I miss? Because I just don't see it.

Roses go to:

1. Brooks
2. Chris
3. Drew

Byeee: Zak. Kinda thought it'd be Drew. Wow. His goodbye was awkardly emotional and raw, which sent my cynical heart into a tailspin.

1. Best hometown date: Zak. Great family. 
2. Worst dress: Des's skeleton suit dress. 
3. Weirdest hometown moment: nothing. Crap. These families were too normal!
4. Best creeper move: Des's brother secretly watching the guys arrive at the hotel. Was he awaiting his meth dealer, or actually scoping out the guys?

Until next week,

Mike