To Bone or Not To Bone

That is the question.

But is it really the question? Come on. This is Ben we're talking about. He's game to bone. It's the "To Bone or Not To Bone" episode, and Ben is not messing around. Except for that he wants to mess around, if you know what I mean.

The first date is with Nicki, the "dark horse," as labeled by Ben. They helicopter over a glacier during the day, and have dinner in a log cabin by night. The fact that Nicki is so very much in love with Ben most likely bodes poorly for her chances, especially since Ben is so annoyingly patronizing in his non-emotional affirmations of her feelings. He's the worst. But deep down he likes her. You can tell. They're comfortable together, and he's definitely at ease. But you can also tell he's focused on boning Courtney, not Nicki. Regardless, he offers Nicki the Fantasy Date card, she accepts, and they bone.

The next date is with Lindzi. I'll come out and say it: he has the least chemistry with Lindzi, and she is not nearly as confident as Nicki. The date starts with rappelling (or "canyoning" in Swiss-speak), and ends in the inevitable hot tub scene. Oh, there's also the Fantasy Date card which Lindzi accepts, and a ridiculously gratuitous ASS shot of during Lindzi and Ben's make out on the bed. I mean, her ass was fully on camera. Also this zinger, from Ben: "I see myself with her for the rest of my life." I think by "rest of my life" he meant "tonight, while I bone her."

The last date is the much-anticipated crucial conversation with Courtney. He picks her up, they have a picnic, and they skillfully skirt the subject. Later, at dinner, Courtney half owns up to her misdeeds by saying things like "I maybe said some things..." Right. You actually DID say some things and you were a raging bitch. But whatever. Tomato/tomahto. But, she owns up to her rude-itude enough for Ben to fall back in love with her. They accept the Fantasy Date card and bone in a hot tub built for two.

Think this review was short? It was. This episode was frightfully boring, and I am busy and famous on a business trip to NYC. So there.

But wait, we get a ridiculous promo about the next Bachelorette! It's Emily, which we all knew, and the five-minute teaser is utterly ridiculous. Emily flies to LA to hang with her friends (strangers), former scorned Bachelor contestants turned Bachelorettes, Ali and Ashley. What's the best way to analyze her potential of finding love on a semi-scripted reality show? To watch The Titanic in 3D, duh! I mean...

Back in Switzerland, Ben spends a lovely afternoon relaxing in his hotel room prior to the rose ceremony. Oh wait, no he doesn't. Kacie B. flies to Switzerland to probe Ben for answers on why she got the axe. His response: "We're worlds apart," which translates directly to "your family sucks." Awesome. Once she realized Ben is over her, she decides to let it all out by saying that Courtney is only there to win, and that if he choose her, it'll end in heartbreak. Ben can't really process it, so he says goodbye to Kacie, who promptly lies down on the floor in a failed attempt to feign emotion.

Later, at the rose ceremony, Ben chooses:
1) Lindzi
2) Courtney

Bye: Nicki. OK, I actually felt bad for her because she blatantly had fallen for him. Also, her dress looked like a toga.

Awards:
1) Big winner: Ben was three for three in the To-Bone-Or-Not-To-Bone Challenge. Success!
2) Worst: Courtney and Ben

Until next week...if I choose to blog it,
Mike