Monday, November 27, 2006

I'm over it and I quit.

Holy balls, it’s the night we’ve been waiting for. I’m sweating, I’m nervous, and I’m slightly drunk. All to be expected. And the night begins…

Prince and Princess Jersey arrive and we realize why they live in Jersey. Momma Princess Amanda has mall hair, and Daddy Prince…well, we now realize where Lorenzo gets his lack of an upper lip. Ugh…I’m over it. We’ll get to that later.

The first date reunites Jen and Lorenzo—with his parents. She’s underdressed, his mom reads her palm, and we all cringe. Basically it’s boring.

The second date brings Lorenzo and Sadie back together, and we realize that they are fully in love. God, Sadie is cute. She has a better time slot (dinner), Lorenzo’s parents are in love with her, and I just can’t get enough. I seriously might consider making out with her. Or at least going shopping with her. Anyways, his mom reads her palm as well. We hate that she mentions Jen so much.

Then (cue the “dun dun dun” disaster music) both sets of potential in-laws arrive in Rome. Jen’s Dad is predictably poorly dressed in an old, wrinkled, untucked polo shirt. I hate him more than I did when he pulled a gun on Lorenzo. Gross. Sadie’s parents are cutely conservative and we’re glad they’ll be Lorenzo’s future in-laws.

The brunch with all 82 people is so damn awkward, I couldn’t have killed myself more than I did. But luckily I lived to blog about it. Ugh…

So finally, Sadie and Jen get their last stabs at making Lorenzo fall in love with them. Sadie wins because she gives him presents and we love her. Yay! Go Sadie! We know you’re gonna win!

And then all of our worlds come to an end.

The final rose ceremony…curtain up.

Sadie arrives in a hot-ass dress. Her ta-tas look absolutely brilliant, and Lorenzo is awestruck. He knows he loves her. He’s afraid of her untainted vageeg. (That may have been the dirtiest thing this blog has seen since its inception.)

LORENZO THEN RUINS ALL OF OUR LIVES BY SCREWING HER OVER. HE’S LYING TO US AND TO HIMSELF.

I mean. Honestly. Although I called it (because I took a trip to Negativetown) I am still so upset. Literally. I mean, he cried. He KNEW he was making a mistake. He’s just scared of her Virginia.

And then Jen arrives in her disastrous, too-short sparkly dress that made me barf up my pasta (that I made earlier this evening and it was delicious). Welcome back to Florida, folks.

He proposes, I shed 82 tears, and we all kill ourselves.

F the world. I quit.

Until Extra and/or Access Hollywood calls Lorenzo and Jen’s breakup, I bid you adieu…And anxiously await the next Hotty Mc Hot-a-Doc. Hey cute girlfriends, please apply now!!!

I love you all, and I love you Sadie.

MBH

p.s. This evening's awards

1) We are mad at you award: Lorenzo. Stop making bad decisions and faking tears. How dare you fool us into believing your cute cry-baby status!
2) Best line: Chris's (host) line which stated that Lorenzo and Jen "solidified their relationship in the fantasy suite" as he described their history. Basically, they solidified Lorenzo's wenis. Screw their fake relationship.
3) Worst moment: Lorenzo fooling himself into believing he likes Jen.
4) Best guests: Cassie and Aileen. They are amazing.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Bitches Tell All

And yes they did…

Let’s just admit it now: we are all better people for watching this type of quality television. I felt as though I grew a little this evening as I watched the women espouse their beliefs about how bitchy and horrible and stupid the other contestants were. It really was quite amazing.

There were really few surprises in this season’s “Bitches Tell All,” but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t entertaining.

Erica was a bitch, Agnese didn’t speak English, and the other girls were pissed they didn’t win. Like I said, few surprises.

But what I did enjoy was the following: Erica’s boobs being immeasurably enormous; Agnese slightly comprehending English; and a re-run of Kim the drunk girl falling over on camera after inhaling far too much liquor on the beach in Italy.

When Lorenzo came onstage, we were once again reminded of his lack of an upper lip. After that re-realization, he actually said something cute about waking up next to the same person for the rest of his life. But then I thought of the following…

Two of my spies, Shmeagan and Shmillary Shmalter (their real names have been disguised), saw Prince Lorenzo at a benefit this past weekend here in New York. Let’s just say he was hitting on women. What does that lead us to believe? Is he happily engaged? Has his “romance” already ended like the past 82 seasons of The Bachelor? Is he gayer than the hills because he runs a perfume business?

We are only left to wonder. And wonder we will! Until next week, let’s make some bets. Leave some comments on the site and predict who will win…and when they will break up.

This week’s awards:
1) Best Actor: Erica
2) Worst outfit: Pinky McGee…er…Erica
3) Smallest upper lip: Lorenzo

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. On another note, another spy of mine, Shmisty Shmow, hung out with Ian McKee (my boyfriend and favorite person on this show to date) from the Meredith Bachelorette days this weekend. He asked about me.

p.p.s. Are we DYING with the previews of Lorenzo’s Jersey Mom on next week’s episode?!?!?!

Monday, November 13, 2006

To Bone or Not To Bone?

That is the question.

It’s Fantasy Date Night (aka “To Bone or Not To Bone?”), and we’re once again world travelers with the personality-free Lorenzo and his three babes. To be honest, the evening felt a bit blah, but I blog on…

Stop One: Svveeeeeeden (Sweden). Jen and Lorenzo travel to some random Swedish town we’ve never heard of to decompress after Jen’s dad pulled a gun on Lorenzo. I mean, they’re there to get to know each other more in hopes of boning at the end of the date—let’s be honest. And in order to have the most authentic Swedish experience possible, they go to…wait for it…an amusement park!?!? So weird. But, they do dress up in silver spacesuits when they go to the Icebar. Inside the bar made of ice, I oddly wanted to be there so I could pee on the bar to watch it melt—but that’s beside the point. Anyway, nothing much happens. Jen accepts the Fantasy Suite invitation, and they spend a romantic night together.

Stop Two: Budapest. Crazy, er Lisa, and Lorenzo meet up at a wine festival so Lorenzo can drink himself into the ability to deal with Lisa. Lisa is wearing an ugly dress with sleeves, he interrogates her for five hours, and we hope to God he sends her home.

So far, Lorenzo still has not shown us much personality. We’re annoyed, no?

Stop Three: Sicily. Sadie (the love of my life) and Lorenzo meet up at a classy resort so she can be classy and conservative and classy. I jest...But seriously, she is so cute. Why isn’t she my friend? At first, I feel bad for Sadie because Lorenzo tells her where he's been during the past week. Not fair, against the rules, I hate it. It gets better though. Because Lorenzo is a bit cheesy, they go for a scuba dive indoors. Yes, I said indoors. But that’s not the worst of it. They kiss underwater while dressed in their scuba garb. I screamed so loud, I hurt my vocal cords. It just wasn’t good for anyone. Regardless, Lorenzo is finally visibly in to someone, and it’s kinda cute. After 8.2 hours of deliberation, the “classy and conservative” Sadie decides to take Lorenzo up on the Fantasy Suite. They get comfortable, they get intimate, we love it.

Back in Rome, Lorenzo is looking damn good in his pinstripes and hot tie. Sadie, as always, looks cute. Jen looks good. Lisa is wearing white. What?

For once, I was surprised, because Lorenzo did what we knew he should do.

He chose:

Sadie
Jen

And Lisa went home to meet her next boyfriend so she can get married in a year. Best of luck with that, Lisa.

This week’s awards:
1) Worst kiss: Lorenzo and Sadie’s underwater Scuba-Steve kiss. I hated it. But I love them.
2) Craziest timeline: Lisa’s timeline for her life.
3) Best fashion statement: The silver spacesuits Lorenzo and Jen wore at the Icebar in Sweden. I mean, who wants to hook up with someone wearing a foil anorak complete with boots and mittens?

Love you all…

MBH