That is the question.
But is it really the question? Come on. This is Ben we're talking about. He's game to bone. It's the "To Bone or Not To Bone" episode, and Ben is not messing around. Except for that he wants to mess around, if you know what I mean.
The first date is with Nicki, the "dark horse," as labeled by Ben. They helicopter over a glacier during the day, and have dinner in a log cabin by night. The fact that Nicki is so very much in love with Ben most likely bodes poorly for her chances, especially since Ben is so annoyingly patronizing in his non-emotional affirmations of her feelings. He's the worst. But deep down he likes her. You can tell. They're comfortable together, and he's definitely at ease. But you can also tell he's focused on boning Courtney, not Nicki. Regardless, he offers Nicki the Fantasy Date card, she accepts, and they bone.
The next date is with Lindzi. I'll come out and say it: he has the least chemistry with Lindzi, and she is not nearly as confident as Nicki. The date starts with rappelling (or "canyoning" in Swiss-speak), and ends in the inevitable hot tub scene. Oh, there's also the Fantasy Date card which Lindzi accepts, and a ridiculously gratuitous ASS shot of during Lindzi and Ben's make out on the bed. I mean, her ass was fully on camera. Also this zinger, from Ben: "I see myself with her for the rest of my life." I think by "rest of my life" he meant "tonight, while I bone her."
The last date is the much-anticipated crucial conversation with Courtney. He picks her up, they have a picnic, and they skillfully skirt the subject. Later, at dinner, Courtney half owns up to her misdeeds by saying things like "I maybe said some things..." Right. You actually DID say some things and you were a raging bitch. But whatever. Tomato/tomahto. But, she owns up to her rude-itude enough for Ben to fall back in love with her. They accept the Fantasy Date card and bone in a hot tub built for two.
Think this review was short? It was. This episode was frightfully boring, and I am busy and famous on a business trip to NYC. So there.
But wait, we get a ridiculous promo about the next Bachelorette! It's Emily, which we all knew, and the five-minute teaser is utterly ridiculous. Emily flies to LA to hang with her friends (strangers), former scorned Bachelor contestants turned Bachelorettes, Ali and Ashley. What's the best way to analyze her potential of finding love on a semi-scripted reality show? To watch The Titanic in 3D, duh! I mean...
Back in Switzerland, Ben spends a lovely afternoon relaxing in his hotel room prior to the rose ceremony. Oh wait, no he doesn't. Kacie B. flies to Switzerland to probe Ben for answers on why she got the axe. His response: "We're worlds apart," which translates directly to "your family sucks." Awesome. Once she realized Ben is over her, she decides to let it all out by saying that Courtney is only there to win, and that if he choose her, it'll end in heartbreak. Ben can't really process it, so he says goodbye to Kacie, who promptly lies down on the floor in a failed attempt to feign emotion.
Later, at the rose ceremony, Ben chooses:
1) Lindzi
2) Courtney
Bye: Nicki. OK, I actually felt bad for her because she blatantly had fallen for him. Also, her dress looked like a toga.
Awards:
1) Big winner: Ben was three for three in the To-Bone-Or-Not-To-Bone Challenge. Success!
2) Worst: Courtney and Ben
Until next week...if I choose to blog it,
Mike
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Hometown hero...or lack thereof
It's Hometown Week, and Ben is busy traversing the country in order to meet his soon-to-be-almost in-laws. He is also busy being the most boring and annoyingly affirmative dater ever. His incessant un-heartfelt responses to everything everybody says is exhausting and I find him mind-numbingly disingenuous. But at this rate, he's going to pick Courtney, so who really cares?
First, Ben heads to Ocala, FL to meet Ms. Lindzi and her horse friends. She's looking cute in her Western wear, and they have a great day together riding horses. Later, they meet her cute parents. Mom and Dad tell them about their ties to San Francisco in response to Lindzi and Ben telling them about their times in the City by the Bay. Her parents tell them about how they were married in City Hall (where Lindzi and Ben shared a private concert on their date), to which Lindzi responds, "Really?" Really, Lindzi? Really? Later, Ben and Mom spend some time together. Mom tells Ben how they kept Lindzi busy with horses, drill team and cheerleading when she was growing up--thus she has very little experience with dating. Awesome...thanks mom. Overall, this is a great hometown date and Ben and Lindzi share some very passionate kisses at the end. He totally loved the day and loved her family. Including her dad, whose name is Harry Cox. I have no comment on that matter.
Next, we fly up to Clarksville, TN to meet Kacie and her family who fit every stereotype you'd think of when thinking of Clarksville, TN. Her father used the term "prayerfully" for God's sake. Kacie meets Ben at the football field named after her grandfather. She surprises him by performing the baton with the high school marching band. The all-black high school marching band, that is. I have a feeling Ms. Kacie didn't go to that school. After the band dork moment, we head home to meet the family. Mom, Dad and mute sister share a lovely dinner with Ben and Kacie on set. As in, they all sat on one side of the table in order to be on camera. It was awesome. What else was awesome? The fact that Ben showed up with wine and they all drank sweet tea at dinner. Sweet tea. Mom and Dad each individually tell Ben and Kacie about how they wouldn't approve of them moving in together before marriage. Dad takes it a step further by asking Kacie to "prayerfully" make decisions about marriage and that he would say "no" if Ben asked for her hand in marriage. So that went well...
Next we head to Texas, y'all. Land of steers in the streets, cowboy hats, and cowboy boots. As a Texan, I can vouch for the fact that all we wear is cowboy attire, so they nailed that on the head by ensuring they covered every possibly Texan stereotype in 15 minutes. Ben and Nicki do it up in Fort Worth, before heading to her predictably Texan suburban home where they meet her cute family. The mom, dad and brother are all cute. Mom has spiky funky fun hair and the dad is emotional. It's cute. Later, Nicki tells Ben she loves him. Ben obviously responds with some ridiculous platitude like "wow" or "thanks." It's stupid. But, overall, Nicki just may be the dark horse. Ben ends the date by telling the camera that he's falling in love with her.
Finally, we head to Scottsdale to meet Courtney's family. I'm sure I wasn't the only one awaiting this meeting with baited breath, and, frankly, the family is pretty normal. Dad is dapper, sister is cute, and mom has a taut face with a shrunken head. But overall, they're nice. Mom is a bit skeptical, Dad seems like a lot of fun, and Courtney frankly seems like the odd duck. As in, she sucks. It's interesting that she's not mean during this date. Granted, she has no one to whom she can direct her evil. But don't worry, she's still weird. How, you ask? She stages an impromptu wedding at her favorite farm in town. I'm serious. They head to her favorite spot where she has secretly set up a wedding scene and she makes him write vows and recite them in front of an officiant and everything. It's so weird. Did anyone else notice that Courtney cheated by pasting pre-written vows in her notepad? I did. She's sneaky, that one. Next, she tells Ben she loves him. He's still hung up on boning her in the ocean in Puerto Rico. Later, they drive away in an "Almost Married" car. Barf.
Back in LA, Ben chooses:
1) Courtney
2) Lindzi
3) Nicki
Bye: Kacie. Sadly, after the hometown visit, we're not surprised. Total bummer, though. I actually felt bad for her.
Awards:
1) Love count. 2 for 4. Two chicks said they loved Ben.
2) Worst: Ben. Boring, blah, and destined for breakups.
3) Dark horse: Nicki
Until next week, in Switzerland!
Mike
First, Ben heads to Ocala, FL to meet Ms. Lindzi and her horse friends. She's looking cute in her Western wear, and they have a great day together riding horses. Later, they meet her cute parents. Mom and Dad tell them about their ties to San Francisco in response to Lindzi and Ben telling them about their times in the City by the Bay. Her parents tell them about how they were married in City Hall (where Lindzi and Ben shared a private concert on their date), to which Lindzi responds, "Really?" Really, Lindzi? Really? Later, Ben and Mom spend some time together. Mom tells Ben how they kept Lindzi busy with horses, drill team and cheerleading when she was growing up--thus she has very little experience with dating. Awesome...thanks mom. Overall, this is a great hometown date and Ben and Lindzi share some very passionate kisses at the end. He totally loved the day and loved her family. Including her dad, whose name is Harry Cox. I have no comment on that matter.
Next, we fly up to Clarksville, TN to meet Kacie and her family who fit every stereotype you'd think of when thinking of Clarksville, TN. Her father used the term "prayerfully" for God's sake. Kacie meets Ben at the football field named after her grandfather. She surprises him by performing the baton with the high school marching band. The all-black high school marching band, that is. I have a feeling Ms. Kacie didn't go to that school. After the band dork moment, we head home to meet the family. Mom, Dad and mute sister share a lovely dinner with Ben and Kacie on set. As in, they all sat on one side of the table in order to be on camera. It was awesome. What else was awesome? The fact that Ben showed up with wine and they all drank sweet tea at dinner. Sweet tea. Mom and Dad each individually tell Ben and Kacie about how they wouldn't approve of them moving in together before marriage. Dad takes it a step further by asking Kacie to "prayerfully" make decisions about marriage and that he would say "no" if Ben asked for her hand in marriage. So that went well...
Next we head to Texas, y'all. Land of steers in the streets, cowboy hats, and cowboy boots. As a Texan, I can vouch for the fact that all we wear is cowboy attire, so they nailed that on the head by ensuring they covered every possibly Texan stereotype in 15 minutes. Ben and Nicki do it up in Fort Worth, before heading to her predictably Texan suburban home where they meet her cute family. The mom, dad and brother are all cute. Mom has spiky funky fun hair and the dad is emotional. It's cute. Later, Nicki tells Ben she loves him. Ben obviously responds with some ridiculous platitude like "wow" or "thanks." It's stupid. But, overall, Nicki just may be the dark horse. Ben ends the date by telling the camera that he's falling in love with her.
Finally, we head to Scottsdale to meet Courtney's family. I'm sure I wasn't the only one awaiting this meeting with baited breath, and, frankly, the family is pretty normal. Dad is dapper, sister is cute, and mom has a taut face with a shrunken head. But overall, they're nice. Mom is a bit skeptical, Dad seems like a lot of fun, and Courtney frankly seems like the odd duck. As in, she sucks. It's interesting that she's not mean during this date. Granted, she has no one to whom she can direct her evil. But don't worry, she's still weird. How, you ask? She stages an impromptu wedding at her favorite farm in town. I'm serious. They head to her favorite spot where she has secretly set up a wedding scene and she makes him write vows and recite them in front of an officiant and everything. It's so weird. Did anyone else notice that Courtney cheated by pasting pre-written vows in her notepad? I did. She's sneaky, that one. Next, she tells Ben she loves him. He's still hung up on boning her in the ocean in Puerto Rico. Later, they drive away in an "Almost Married" car. Barf.
Back in LA, Ben chooses:
1) Courtney
2) Lindzi
3) Nicki
Bye: Kacie. Sadly, after the hometown visit, we're not surprised. Total bummer, though. I actually felt bad for her.
Awards:
1) Love count. 2 for 4. Two chicks said they loved Ben.
2) Worst: Ben. Boring, blah, and destined for breakups.
3) Dark horse: Nicki
Until next week, in Switzerland!
Mike
Monday, February 13, 2012
Courtney is the worst
Staying in the Central American theme, this week's episode is hosted by the Belizean Travel Board. We fly north from Panama for four hot dates. Well, three kind of interesting dates and one snooze-fest with Courtney and her immobile upper lip.
The first date is with Lindzi and all her cuteness. The lovebirds are picked up in a (surprise!) helicopter and flown out--while snuggling--to a beautiful reef into which they jump and swim. They jumped into the water from the helicopter which was...10 feet off the water. So exciting! Later, they share a nice dinner. But first, they approach their lone romantic setting for two on a dock. As they approach, Lindzi asks, "Is this us?" No, Lindzi, the only perfectly coifed dinner setting on a dock in the middle of nowhere is actually someone else's table. Your table will be ready in 30 minutes. After dinner, they write a love story, put it in a bottle, and set it to sail in the vast sea off Belize. And by that, I mean, it sinks to the bottom and we're done.
The next date is with Emily. It's her big chance to redeem herself, and she totally does. They have chemistry, they play basketball and the catch lobsters. Later, at dinner, they eat said lobsters during which she apologizes for being weird about Courtney, and they are back to normal. Emily is legitimately cool, I think, and she's fun. She's also too smart to be on this show.
The next date goes to the worst human being alive, Ms. Courtney. She is seriously awful. First off, she's not pretty enough to be a model. Second, she is has no original thoughts whatsoever. Third, whatever she says is awful and stupid. Apparently she's also an "actress," and we now know that she has no future in acting. Courtney and Ben share a lovely (as in, boring) day in the Mayan ruins and the rainforest. She tells Ben that she wouldn't have accepted a rose this week if she hadn't gotten a one-on-one. Normally, this would make a guy second-guess his "connection" with her. And also her character. But Ben? No. He backpedals and basically apologizes to her for...um...nothing. He is a stupid idiot and just wants to have sex with a model more than once. He's a child. Later, they climb metaphorical (and literal) steps to leave behind their drama with each step. Barf. At the top of the ruin, Courtney and Ben prove to the world that they have NO CHEMISTRY WHATSOEVER. Ben says things like "Oh my dad" as opposed to "Oh my god," (cue the cringe) and they talk about why they like each other. Um...no reason, in case you were wondering. It's like the battle of the upper lips, and no one wins. Courtney then decides to open up to Ben about how "vanilla" the other girls are, and how "bored by them" she is. Again, Courtney is the worst. For a second, we think that Ben is over it. But then he fails to redeem himself by pretending to like her again. Ugh...hopeless.
The group date is next, and Kacie, Nicki, and Rachel join Ben in Shark Alley where they swim with sharks and stuff. Nicki is busty, they all tell Ben they're falling for him, and it's blah. Kacie gets the rose (as devil Courtney watches from afar). Later, they all warn him about Courtney being the worst.
At the cocktail party...oh wait...Ben cancels it because he's already made up his mind. But has he? As the girls line up to receive their destiny, Ben asks to speak with Courtney's upper lip. He questions her intentions, and she somehow convinces him that she's there for the right reasons. Ben is literally the dumbest. I mean, he's not as dumb as Brad Womack, but he's just blinded by her beauty(?). Or maybe it's the fact she she boned him in the the ocean a week ago?
Roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Nicki (cue collective surprise!)
3) Lindzi
4) Courtney
Bye: Emily and Rachel. Frankly, we're sad to see both of them go. Especially since devil Courtney is still here. WORST!
Awards:
1) No Chemistry Award: Ben. He has no chemistry with anyone.
2) Frontrunner: Kacie? Even though we're scared it's Courtney?
3) Worst: Courtney
Until next week,
Mike
The first date is with Lindzi and all her cuteness. The lovebirds are picked up in a (surprise!) helicopter and flown out--while snuggling--to a beautiful reef into which they jump and swim. They jumped into the water from the helicopter which was...10 feet off the water. So exciting! Later, they share a nice dinner. But first, they approach their lone romantic setting for two on a dock. As they approach, Lindzi asks, "Is this us?" No, Lindzi, the only perfectly coifed dinner setting on a dock in the middle of nowhere is actually someone else's table. Your table will be ready in 30 minutes. After dinner, they write a love story, put it in a bottle, and set it to sail in the vast sea off Belize. And by that, I mean, it sinks to the bottom and we're done.
The next date is with Emily. It's her big chance to redeem herself, and she totally does. They have chemistry, they play basketball and the catch lobsters. Later, at dinner, they eat said lobsters during which she apologizes for being weird about Courtney, and they are back to normal. Emily is legitimately cool, I think, and she's fun. She's also too smart to be on this show.
The next date goes to the worst human being alive, Ms. Courtney. She is seriously awful. First off, she's not pretty enough to be a model. Second, she is has no original thoughts whatsoever. Third, whatever she says is awful and stupid. Apparently she's also an "actress," and we now know that she has no future in acting. Courtney and Ben share a lovely (as in, boring) day in the Mayan ruins and the rainforest. She tells Ben that she wouldn't have accepted a rose this week if she hadn't gotten a one-on-one. Normally, this would make a guy second-guess his "connection" with her. And also her character. But Ben? No. He backpedals and basically apologizes to her for...um...nothing. He is a stupid idiot and just wants to have sex with a model more than once. He's a child. Later, they climb metaphorical (and literal) steps to leave behind their drama with each step. Barf. At the top of the ruin, Courtney and Ben prove to the world that they have NO CHEMISTRY WHATSOEVER. Ben says things like "Oh my dad" as opposed to "Oh my god," (cue the cringe) and they talk about why they like each other. Um...no reason, in case you were wondering. It's like the battle of the upper lips, and no one wins. Courtney then decides to open up to Ben about how "vanilla" the other girls are, and how "bored by them" she is. Again, Courtney is the worst. For a second, we think that Ben is over it. But then he fails to redeem himself by pretending to like her again. Ugh...hopeless.
The group date is next, and Kacie, Nicki, and Rachel join Ben in Shark Alley where they swim with sharks and stuff. Nicki is busty, they all tell Ben they're falling for him, and it's blah. Kacie gets the rose (as devil Courtney watches from afar). Later, they all warn him about Courtney being the worst.
At the cocktail party...oh wait...Ben cancels it because he's already made up his mind. But has he? As the girls line up to receive their destiny, Ben asks to speak with Courtney's upper lip. He questions her intentions, and she somehow convinces him that she's there for the right reasons. Ben is literally the dumbest. I mean, he's not as dumb as Brad Womack, but he's just blinded by her beauty(?). Or maybe it's the fact she she boned him in the the ocean a week ago?
Roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Nicki (cue collective surprise!)
3) Lindzi
4) Courtney
Bye: Emily and Rachel. Frankly, we're sad to see both of them go. Especially since devil Courtney is still here. WORST!
Awards:
1) No Chemistry Award: Ben. He has no chemistry with anyone.
2) Frontrunner: Kacie? Even though we're scared it's Courtney?
3) Worst: Courtney
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, February 06, 2012
Canal of Tears
So apparently Panama City looks like Dubai? Except the water is brown? I was a little bit surprised, and you were too. Glad we're on the same page.
This episode we're in Panama City, and we've got some Panamanian drama to serve up (is there such a thing as "Panamanian drama"?). Apparently there is.
The first date went to Kacie B. We all love her. But is she right for Ben? They are whisked away on a--surprise!--helicopter to a private island where they hunt for lunch under what we all knew was the guise of professional chefs and survivalists watching from afar. As if they really caught a fish and found their own coconut juice. Ben was wearing Skechers Shape-ups for god's sake. He looked like a dad at Disney World. He was in no way equipped to hunt for fish via fishnet in the wild. But whatever. Later, Kacie confesses to Ben her big secret: she had an eating disorder in high school. Okay, I'm the last person lessen the severity of an issue that plagues so many women (and men) in these modern times of ours. But seriously? I thought she was about to confess to a teenage pregancy and/or child out of wedlock. But she threw up pizza at a Super Bowl party in the late 90s? Not impressed. Regardless, she gets a rose. (And, for the record, I realize eating disorders are a major issue, and I, by no means, actually mean to make fun of them. But this is The Bachelor, for f*&$@ sake, I need something to poke fun at.)
The next date is a jungle fun group date on a dirty river with tribal people and nudity. Yes, you read all that correctly. Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey, Courtney and Jamie join Ben on a river boat/canoe and play games and get paint tattoos with the local rainforest people in computer-generated loincloths (please tell me you all noticed the animated butt-cover-ups on the boys as they ran away in one key scene...it was amazing!). Courtney was topless (obviously) and Ben was attracted to her like any idiot guy would be. Later, at the gratuitous pool scene, the girls get their one-on-one time with Ben. Courtney sluts it up, Lindzi drunk talks her way back into his life, and Jamie blah blah blahs while Courtney strips down into her bikini in the background in order to distract Ben during their one-on-one time. What we've learned is that Ben is a giddy geek that wants to bone Courtney because she's "hot" and he's easily distracted by her ridiculousity. It's amazing, and it totally confirms that dudes are jackasses. What's more? Courtney, playing the role of available slut, offers up her room number to Ben for some late night shenanigans. Later, Emily apologizes for to Courtney for judging her earlier and Courtney, predictably, doesn't accept the apology and proves that Emily's judgment was totally founded and warranted. At the end of the date, the rose goes to Lindzi. And Ben does not (surprise!) visit Courtney in her room.
The last date is the much-dreaded two-on-one between Blakeley and Rachel where only one girl is standing at the end. It's a salsa dance party, and upon seeing the caged exterior of the club, Blakeley got VERY excited. Why? Because she's a "VIP Cocktail Waitress" and she dances in cages for a living. She's stripper, people, and we all know it. Blakeley quickly asserts that she's a "better dancer" than Rachel. Again, it's your job, Blakeley. We can only hope you're a better stripper--I mean dancer--than Rachel. The date is rather awkward, though, because the girls take turns watching the other girl dance with Ben. Later, at dinner, Blakeley shows Ben her scary scrapbook she's made about their relationship. Not only is she a stripper, she's also a psycho. It doesn't take long for Ben to choose Rachel, which sets off a massive meltdown by Blakeley. I mean, she cried on his shoulder for 82 minutes before she was sent away in the Central American model of the Toyota Sierra minivan. It was brills. The van (obvi), and her tears.
The next day, we get what we've all been waiting for. The reason why stupid Casey gets sent home early. Did her grandma die? Is her dad sick? No, she's in love with some d-bag back home, and it's incredibly boring. She also proves she is in no way a wordsmith as she cannot explain herself in English. But she tries. Chris Harrison escorts her to Ben's room where he's "surprised" by her arrival (even though he's accompanied to the door by two cameramen). He tells her to go home, and we don't care. But her trail--ahem, canal (we are in Panama after all)--of tears is amazing. She looks certifiably horrifying while crying. Oh well, best of luck in Kansas.
At the cocktail party, Jamie literally rapes Ben. She wants to prove to Ben she's there for him, and that she wants him. So, like any normal woman would, she tells Ben that she's going to kiss him (closed mouth first, then open-mouth), and "feel him up." Then, she awkwardly straddles him and does just that. While nervously talking. It was at least two glasses of wine worth of horror.
Roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Lindzi
3) Rachel
4) Nicki
5) Courtney
6) Emily
Bye: Blakeley, Casey, Jamie
Awards:
1) Worst cryer: Casey
2) Most awkward: Jamie
3) Most talkative during awkward moments: Jamie
4) Rape victim: Ben (with Jamie)
Until next week,
Mike
This episode we're in Panama City, and we've got some Panamanian drama to serve up (is there such a thing as "Panamanian drama"?). Apparently there is.
The first date went to Kacie B. We all love her. But is she right for Ben? They are whisked away on a--surprise!--helicopter to a private island where they hunt for lunch under what we all knew was the guise of professional chefs and survivalists watching from afar. As if they really caught a fish and found their own coconut juice. Ben was wearing Skechers Shape-ups for god's sake. He looked like a dad at Disney World. He was in no way equipped to hunt for fish via fishnet in the wild. But whatever. Later, Kacie confesses to Ben her big secret: she had an eating disorder in high school. Okay, I'm the last person lessen the severity of an issue that plagues so many women (and men) in these modern times of ours. But seriously? I thought she was about to confess to a teenage pregancy and/or child out of wedlock. But she threw up pizza at a Super Bowl party in the late 90s? Not impressed. Regardless, she gets a rose. (And, for the record, I realize eating disorders are a major issue, and I, by no means, actually mean to make fun of them. But this is The Bachelor, for f*&$@ sake, I need something to poke fun at.)
The next date is a jungle fun group date on a dirty river with tribal people and nudity. Yes, you read all that correctly. Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Casey, Courtney and Jamie join Ben on a river boat/canoe and play games and get paint tattoos with the local rainforest people in computer-generated loincloths (please tell me you all noticed the animated butt-cover-ups on the boys as they ran away in one key scene...it was amazing!). Courtney was topless (obviously) and Ben was attracted to her like any idiot guy would be. Later, at the gratuitous pool scene, the girls get their one-on-one time with Ben. Courtney sluts it up, Lindzi drunk talks her way back into his life, and Jamie blah blah blahs while Courtney strips down into her bikini in the background in order to distract Ben during their one-on-one time. What we've learned is that Ben is a giddy geek that wants to bone Courtney because she's "hot" and he's easily distracted by her ridiculousity. It's amazing, and it totally confirms that dudes are jackasses. What's more? Courtney, playing the role of available slut, offers up her room number to Ben for some late night shenanigans. Later, Emily apologizes for to Courtney for judging her earlier and Courtney, predictably, doesn't accept the apology and proves that Emily's judgment was totally founded and warranted. At the end of the date, the rose goes to Lindzi. And Ben does not (surprise!) visit Courtney in her room.
The last date is the much-dreaded two-on-one between Blakeley and Rachel where only one girl is standing at the end. It's a salsa dance party, and upon seeing the caged exterior of the club, Blakeley got VERY excited. Why? Because she's a "VIP Cocktail Waitress" and she dances in cages for a living. She's stripper, people, and we all know it. Blakeley quickly asserts that she's a "better dancer" than Rachel. Again, it's your job, Blakeley. We can only hope you're a better stripper--I mean dancer--than Rachel. The date is rather awkward, though, because the girls take turns watching the other girl dance with Ben. Later, at dinner, Blakeley shows Ben her scary scrapbook she's made about their relationship. Not only is she a stripper, she's also a psycho. It doesn't take long for Ben to choose Rachel, which sets off a massive meltdown by Blakeley. I mean, she cried on his shoulder for 82 minutes before she was sent away in the Central American model of the Toyota Sierra minivan. It was brills. The van (obvi), and her tears.
The next day, we get what we've all been waiting for. The reason why stupid Casey gets sent home early. Did her grandma die? Is her dad sick? No, she's in love with some d-bag back home, and it's incredibly boring. She also proves she is in no way a wordsmith as she cannot explain herself in English. But she tries. Chris Harrison escorts her to Ben's room where he's "surprised" by her arrival (even though he's accompanied to the door by two cameramen). He tells her to go home, and we don't care. But her trail--ahem, canal (we are in Panama after all)--of tears is amazing. She looks certifiably horrifying while crying. Oh well, best of luck in Kansas.
At the cocktail party, Jamie literally rapes Ben. She wants to prove to Ben she's there for him, and that she wants him. So, like any normal woman would, she tells Ben that she's going to kiss him (closed mouth first, then open-mouth), and "feel him up." Then, she awkwardly straddles him and does just that. While nervously talking. It was at least two glasses of wine worth of horror.
Roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Lindzi
3) Rachel
4) Nicki
5) Courtney
6) Emily
Bye: Blakeley, Casey, Jamie
Awards:
1) Worst cryer: Casey
2) Most awkward: Jamie
3) Most talkative during awkward moments: Jamie
4) Rape victim: Ben (with Jamie)
Until next week,
Mike
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