I'm over it and I quit.

Holy balls, it’s the night we’ve been waiting for. I’m sweating, I’m nervous, and I’m slightly drunk. All to be expected. And the night begins…

Prince and Princess Jersey arrive and we realize why they live in Jersey. Momma Princess Amanda has mall hair, and Daddy Prince…well, we now realize where Lorenzo gets his lack of an upper lip. Ugh…I’m over it. We’ll get to that later.

The first date reunites Jen and Lorenzo—with his parents. She’s underdressed, his mom reads her palm, and we all cringe. Basically it’s boring.

The second date brings Lorenzo and Sadie back together, and we realize that they are fully in love. God, Sadie is cute. She has a better time slot (dinner), Lorenzo’s parents are in love with her, and I just can’t get enough. I seriously might consider making out with her. Or at least going shopping with her. Anyways, his mom reads her palm as well. We hate that she mentions Jen so much.

Then (cue the “dun dun dun” disaster music) both sets of potential in-laws arrive in Rome. Jen’s Dad is predictably poorly dressed in an old, wrinkled, untucked polo shirt. I hate him more than I did when he pulled a gun on Lorenzo. Gross. Sadie’s parents are cutely conservative and we’re glad they’ll be Lorenzo’s future in-laws.

The brunch with all 82 people is so damn awkward, I couldn’t have killed myself more than I did. But luckily I lived to blog about it. Ugh…

So finally, Sadie and Jen get their last stabs at making Lorenzo fall in love with them. Sadie wins because she gives him presents and we love her. Yay! Go Sadie! We know you’re gonna win!

And then all of our worlds come to an end.

The final rose ceremony…curtain up.

Sadie arrives in a hot-ass dress. Her ta-tas look absolutely brilliant, and Lorenzo is awestruck. He knows he loves her. He’s afraid of her untainted vageeg. (That may have been the dirtiest thing this blog has seen since its inception.)

LORENZO THEN RUINS ALL OF OUR LIVES BY SCREWING HER OVER. HE’S LYING TO US AND TO HIMSELF.

I mean. Honestly. Although I called it (because I took a trip to Negativetown) I am still so upset. Literally. I mean, he cried. He KNEW he was making a mistake. He’s just scared of her Virginia.

And then Jen arrives in her disastrous, too-short sparkly dress that made me barf up my pasta (that I made earlier this evening and it was delicious). Welcome back to Florida, folks.

He proposes, I shed 82 tears, and we all kill ourselves.

F the world. I quit.

Until Extra and/or Access Hollywood calls Lorenzo and Jen’s breakup, I bid you adieu…And anxiously await the next Hotty Mc Hot-a-Doc. Hey cute girlfriends, please apply now!!!

I love you all, and I love you Sadie.

MBH

p.s. This evening's awards

1) We are mad at you award: Lorenzo. Stop making bad decisions and faking tears. How dare you fool us into believing your cute cry-baby status!
2) Best line: Chris's (host) line which stated that Lorenzo and Jen "solidified their relationship in the fantasy suite" as he described their history. Basically, they solidified Lorenzo's wenis. Screw their fake relationship.
3) Worst moment: Lorenzo fooling himself into believing he likes Jen.
4) Best guests: Cassie and Aileen. They are amazing.

The Bitches Tell All

And yes they did…

Let’s just admit it now: we are all better people for watching this type of quality television. I felt as though I grew a little this evening as I watched the women espouse their beliefs about how bitchy and horrible and stupid the other contestants were. It really was quite amazing.

There were really few surprises in this season’s “Bitches Tell All,” but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t entertaining.

Erica was a bitch, Agnese didn’t speak English, and the other girls were pissed they didn’t win. Like I said, few surprises.

But what I did enjoy was the following: Erica’s boobs being immeasurably enormous; Agnese slightly comprehending English; and a re-run of Kim the drunk girl falling over on camera after inhaling far too much liquor on the beach in Italy.

When Lorenzo came onstage, we were once again reminded of his lack of an upper lip. After that re-realization, he actually said something cute about waking up next to the same person for the rest of his life. But then I thought of the following…

Two of my spies, Shmeagan and Shmillary Shmalter (their real names have been disguised), saw Prince Lorenzo at a benefit this past weekend here in New York. Let’s just say he was hitting on women. What does that lead us to believe? Is he happily engaged? Has his “romance” already ended like the past 82 seasons of The Bachelor? Is he gayer than the hills because he runs a perfume business?

We are only left to wonder. And wonder we will! Until next week, let’s make some bets. Leave some comments on the site and predict who will win…and when they will break up.

This week’s awards:
1) Best Actor: Erica
2) Worst outfit: Pinky McGee…er…Erica
3) Smallest upper lip: Lorenzo

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. On another note, another spy of mine, Shmisty Shmow, hung out with Ian McKee (my boyfriend and favorite person on this show to date) from the Meredith Bachelorette days this weekend. He asked about me.

p.p.s. Are we DYING with the previews of Lorenzo’s Jersey Mom on next week’s episode?!?!?!

To Bone or Not To Bone?

That is the question.

It’s Fantasy Date Night (aka “To Bone or Not To Bone?”), and we’re once again world travelers with the personality-free Lorenzo and his three babes. To be honest, the evening felt a bit blah, but I blog on…

Stop One: Svveeeeeeden (Sweden). Jen and Lorenzo travel to some random Swedish town we’ve never heard of to decompress after Jen’s dad pulled a gun on Lorenzo. I mean, they’re there to get to know each other more in hopes of boning at the end of the date—let’s be honest. And in order to have the most authentic Swedish experience possible, they go to…wait for it…an amusement park!?!? So weird. But, they do dress up in silver spacesuits when they go to the Icebar. Inside the bar made of ice, I oddly wanted to be there so I could pee on the bar to watch it melt—but that’s beside the point. Anyway, nothing much happens. Jen accepts the Fantasy Suite invitation, and they spend a romantic night together.

Stop Two: Budapest. Crazy, er Lisa, and Lorenzo meet up at a wine festival so Lorenzo can drink himself into the ability to deal with Lisa. Lisa is wearing an ugly dress with sleeves, he interrogates her for five hours, and we hope to God he sends her home.

So far, Lorenzo still has not shown us much personality. We’re annoyed, no?

Stop Three: Sicily. Sadie (the love of my life) and Lorenzo meet up at a classy resort so she can be classy and conservative and classy. I jest...But seriously, she is so cute. Why isn’t she my friend? At first, I feel bad for Sadie because Lorenzo tells her where he's been during the past week. Not fair, against the rules, I hate it. It gets better though. Because Lorenzo is a bit cheesy, they go for a scuba dive indoors. Yes, I said indoors. But that’s not the worst of it. They kiss underwater while dressed in their scuba garb. I screamed so loud, I hurt my vocal cords. It just wasn’t good for anyone. Regardless, Lorenzo is finally visibly in to someone, and it’s kinda cute. After 8.2 hours of deliberation, the “classy and conservative” Sadie decides to take Lorenzo up on the Fantasy Suite. They get comfortable, they get intimate, we love it.

Back in Rome, Lorenzo is looking damn good in his pinstripes and hot tie. Sadie, as always, looks cute. Jen looks good. Lisa is wearing white. What?

For once, I was surprised, because Lorenzo did what we knew he should do.

He chose:

Sadie
Jen

And Lisa went home to meet her next boyfriend so she can get married in a year. Best of luck with that, Lisa.

This week’s awards:
1) Worst kiss: Lorenzo and Sadie’s underwater Scuba-Steve kiss. I hated it. But I love them.
2) Craziest timeline: Lisa’s timeline for her life.
3) Best fashion statement: The silver spacesuits Lorenzo and Jen wore at the Icebar in Sweden. I mean, who wants to hook up with someone wearing a foil anorak complete with boots and mittens?

Love you all…

MBH

"He use head more than heart."

It’s hometown date time. In other words, this is the episode during which I mute the television the most (if you don't recall, I mute the television when I'm weirded out). I hate it. But I love it so much. Okay, I’m a little emotional right now seeing as I was just oddly touched by the rose ceremony, but I’m going to try to be the bitchy-slash-witty blogger I’ve trained myself to be. So on to the show…

The first hometown date reunites Sadie and Lorenzo in beautiful San Diego for an entirely uneventful date. They meet up, Sadie is cute as always, and they go meet her family. There, Lorenzo meets the awkwardly chubby little sister, the cute best friend and the very kind parents who love Jesus. At this point, we’re still thinking that Lorenzo’s personality can best be described as “diet vanilla.” He’s just a bit boring. Nothing happened at Sadie’s. Nothing.

So next we meet up with Lisa and Lorenzo in Portland, Oregon (otherwise known as the hometown of Meredith from the Bachelorette who picked my boyfriend Ian and inevitably broke up). Lisa is an utter disaster. She immediately reminds us that she has a plan for her life. Engaged in a year, married in two, and kids by 30. Okay, we get it—you’re crazy. Soon Lorenzo learns of her craziness as Lisa’s friend arrives with a wedding dress and they play dress-up. He is sweating bullets as he realizes she’s crazy. In fact, he’s “freaked out.” I couldn’t have worded it better. A bit later, Lorenzo is on the floor doing Pilates with Lisa’s mom, and I’m freaked out as well. Honestly, this whole date is just uncomfortable.

Luckily we get to join up with Jen and Lorenzo in Miami for a totally normal date. By normal, I mean horrifyingly uncomfortable and mute-worthy. Jen is way too excited, her dad is way too militant, and the whole encounter blows. For one second, before he meets her family, Lorenzo is cute and very in to Jen (as she catches a shark of all things while fishing), but then he gets a gun pulled on his ass and he sweats through his shirt. The dad is literally frightening as he pulls out his loaded firearms to intimidate the unsuspecting Lorenzo. Okay, we get that she’s your only daughter, but we don’t get why you need to wear ugly floral shirts while fending off future sons-in-law. I was screaming and muting the telly every five seconds. Lorenzo is so nervous he can’t put together a sentence. We all hate it. Thank god it ends.

And then we fly back to Italia to reunite the lovers who don’t communicate—Agnese and Lorenzo. Yes, it’s awkward and uncomfortable. But wait…before you sign her out of your lives, you first have to get won over by her cute family and her honest intentions. Because clearly they won me over. I’m not lying. I’m almost ashamed to admit I was touched by the cute father, the fun after-dinner dancing, and the monolingual touch to the whole night. But he’s so clearly in to her. They make out at the end. It’s cute. We start to like Agnese. She’s natural, very Italian, very real. And very headed for bad news…

At the rose ceremony, a badly-clad Lorenzo (don’t mix dark suits with dark shirts) chooses his three suitors and sends one a-packin’.

He chooses to have fantasy dates with:

1) Sadie
2) Jen
3) Lisa!?!? No. We hate her!!

Sadly, he says goodbye to Agnese. Seriously, it was sad. Lorenzo showed his first emotions! He cried, I was touched, and I’m pissed. How dare ABC fool me into being touched by this anti-personality Lorenzo! Could he have a personality and a heart after all?

I have to say, Agnese put it best (in bad English): “He use head more than heart.” He actually did. Lorenzo knows it too, because he really liked her and he cried like a little girl (or like a gay) while saying goodbye. Awwwww…

Awards:
1) Freakiest armor-bearing dad: Jen’s father. We’re all scared of you.
2) Worst kiss: The goodbye kiss between Lisa and Lorenzo when Lisa said, “I want more kisses,” and Lorenzo unwillingly obliged with tongueless kisses and skeeved me out.
3) Most touching and unexpected moment: the goodbye between Lorenzo and Agnese. I’m still sad. For real. I’m serious. Oh well, I’m sure they’re boning now because whomever the chick Lorenzo ends up with has already been broken up with…

Until next Monday,
Mike

Take your top off.

I am back. And let me once again blame Kansas City for ruining my life last week (and your lives too, let's be honest). But on to the show.

The drama starts straight away with the bitches being told by Chris that there will be two one-on-one dates. Who gets these dates? Those who are most deserving. Who determines this? Erica “the socialite” upon her return to the manse wearing a bedazzled pink capelet and her tiara. She determines, after hearing all the hoes say that Lisa sucks, that Sadie and Jen are most deserving (i.e. “Most Sincere” and “Most Deserving of Being a Princess”).

The first date, with Sadie the virgin, is a “fly away” date with Lorenzo the pilot. Sadie looks hot in aviators, and Lorenzo looks even hotter as a pilot. Let’s be honest, anyone who flies a plane automatically becomes 82 times hotter. This may explain why I wanted to be a pilot when I was younger. Back to the point. They then get in the hot tub and don’t make out. Great! Our blue balls are soon taken care of as Sadie kisses him at dinner. It was cute. It was awkward because Lorenzo didn’t slip her the tongue. We’re fine with it because Lorenzo gives her a rose and wants to bone her in her childhood bedroom, I mean meet her parents because he gives her a rose.

The second date unites Jeanette, Lisa, Agnese and Desiree at a toga party. There are horse races, there is swimming, and there is Lorenzo shirtless on the second date in a row. Yay for that. No one gets a rose on this date so we’re left with watching the girls be themselves. By “be themselves” I mean Agnese gets to practice her “English” with Lorenzo. She doesn’t practice so much as she pretends to speak English, but it’s fine. She won’t get a rose anyway…Oh one more thing: Lorenzo looked like a shlong in his ivy headdress.

The final date brought Jen and Lorenzo together in Rome, the city that Lorenzo learns about through an earpiece while spouting off facts to his dates given to him by his producers. It’s really genuine and quite amazing.

Lorenzo is wearing all black and a white jacket. He doesn’t pull it off. During their romantic carriage ride through Rome, Lorenzo used the previously-mentioned earpiece to tell Jen all about the history and fun facts of Rome. They swapped stories about how their parents met and I barfed a little when she told him that her dad “bagged my mom’s groceries.” He bagged more than that is all I’m saying…

Then Lorenzo told her some unenthusiastic story about his parents and how they ruled New Jersey or something. He gives Jen a rose. Immediately after that, Jen tells her that her dad is “a little crazy” and we realize this after seeing her dad hold a firearm in the previews for next week.

During the final date, the hoes at home got a little crazy and streaked the lawn. This was highlight of the evening. “Take your top off!” screamed Desiree. I was in heaven.

At the rose ceremony, Lorenzo “struggled” with his decision to send two girls home. "I don't want six women in my life; I want one." Well put, Lorenzo, well put.

He gave roses to:
1) Sadie
2) Jen
3) Lisa
4) Agnese. WHAT?!? I will be muting his visit to her house next week. It will be so horribly awkward I will literally drink 9 bottles of wine in 8 minutes in order to soothe the pain. Honestly, call me during this date because I will need distraction. I am giving you free reign to violate the “no call” rule during The Bachelor.

Poor Desiree and Jeanette.

I’m sad to see Desiree go, even though she says “baby” every four seconds. But she took her top off and I loved it.

This week’s awards:

1) The Does He Really Have a Personality? award goes to: Lorenzo. Does he or doesn’t he?
2) The Least Grammatically Correct award goes to: Desiree. “Tequilia” and “Proudness” earned her this one. Desiree, it’s tequila and it’s pride. Go back and study, baby.
3) The Take Your Top Off Award: Aileen and Cassie. Take your tops off!

Until next week, take your tops off and drink some Tequilia.

Mike

I've failed you.

Devotees of me,

I have failed you. Since I'm very busy and important, I was away from the TV during last night's episode. Kansas City is simply too fabulous to allow me to watch my reason for living.

I've been seriously depressed all day--but my spirits were lifted after hearing of Erica the "Socialite's" breakdown after being dissed my Prince Jersey.

I promise next week's update will change your life. Until then, feel free to hate me.

Mike

"I do judge." We all do.

On this glorious day on which we celebrate the life of Christopher Columbus, our delightful evening begins with the announcement that there will be three dates: two group dates; and one individual date. It also begins with Erica the “socialite” wearing a tiara. Gross.

The first date (hereafter referred to as “Date One”) includes Erica, Jami, Ellen, Sadie (love her), and Agnese the Italian incommunicado.

Date One begins with the girls and Lorenzo touring the city of Rome. They visit the Colosseum, and ride around on mopeds. Erica regales him with tales—I mean word vomit—of her exes, and we question her decisions for the first time (of 98402 times) this evening.

The girls then choose dresses for the cocktail party, and we re-join Erica in her perpetual state of disaster. Some key quotes: “Jami didn’t go to college.” “I do judge.” Amazing.

Nothing else of note happens besides Sadie receiving a first rose and continuing to be cute.

Date Two is the individual date between Lisa and Lorenzo. It’s in Villa Borghese. You don’t say?? Lorenzo spats of stats about his namesake park that were given to him five minutes before by the producers, and we’re totally impressed.

Well, Lisa, with her love-life mapped out, arrives and the two have a romantic time in the park. Lisa tells us her beliefs about The Bachelor by saying that “this process does work.” We all laugh, knowing that it clearly does not. But we keep watching because we love it.

Meanwhile at the manse: the inevitable virginity talk ensues between the ladies left at home and we learn that Sadie is a card-carrying member of the dwindling Virgin Club. Great.

Back at Date Two, we’re upset that Lorenzo’s t-shirt is poking out from his polo sleeves and we hate it. He gives her a rose.

Date Three (a.k.a. Boobs and Bikinis). Key players: Desiree, Kim, Jeanette, Sarah, Jennifer and Gina.

The lovers take helicopters to the beach and Kim gets absolutely hammered and I love every minute of it. Key moment: we FINALLY see Lorenzo shirtless and it’s good. He has an awkward tan, but we can accept that he has a hot bod.

They play football in the nude (almost) and it’s fun. There was great moment of girl-on-girl action with boob-grabbing action. Jennifer gets the rose and we’re fine with it. But back to Kim. She’s WASTED and I can’t get enough of it—especially when she is awakened by Lorenzo and she starts speaking drunken gibberish thinking he’s a waiter. Brilliant. Oh, and how about when she fell after being interviewed? You can’t write this stuff.

Before the rose ceremony, Lorenzo makes last-minute decisions on who to keep. The girls make their last efforts.

Agnese, the non-English speaking Italian tries to make out with Lorenzo. A hungover Kim can’t own up to the fact that she passed out the day before, and says she was just “tired.” Yeah, tired from pounding 82 drinks. Lisa says mean stuff and then denies it. Is she going to be the enemy of the season?

With very little drama, and predictable bad choices, the rose ceremony begins. The first three roses are sealed, and he has six more girls to choose.

1) Sadie
2) Lisa
3) Jennifer
4) Jeanette
5) Desiree…god, how many more “babies” can we handle?
6) Jami. I’m surprised she could string a sentence together since she’s not college-educated and all.
7) Gina
8) Agnese. How many more attempts at the English language can she make??
9) Erica, the “socialite” disaster that we all knew would stay because ABC sucks.

This week’s awards.

1) Biggest surprise: Sarah, the black Canadian going home. I mean, what more could she have brought to the table? She could have been missing a leg, I guess.
2) Smallest upper lip: Lorenzo. Has anyone else noticed this?
3) Quote of the week: “He’s not a commoner” (about Lorenzo). “I do judge.” Both from Erica’s horrendous lips. We hate her. And stop playing with your hair, you spoiled Texan disaster!

Until next week, at which point I will blog from Kansas City,

Mike

Let the drama begin!

As I settled in front of the TV in Villa Hondorp (that’s Italian for “Hondorp’s Amazingly Spacious Estate”) with a steamy plate of Chicken Parmesan in front of me, I watched as the disaster began. I use the word “disaster” in the best of all possible senses. My heart raced, my tummy turned…so I drank some more wine.

Price Lorenzo Borghese is hot, and five minutes into the show I’m wondering why he hasn’t taken his shirt off. Seriously. Show us the guns.

But then I’m distracted by the sight of his mother, “Princess” Amanda Borghese, a.k.a. Princess McJersey. She has kept the burgeoning plastic surgery clinic in central Jersey alive for years now, and we’re proud of her. But on to the show…

Sidenote: are we convinced that Lorenzo is an amazing bachelor? The jury is out. He’s hot, yes. But what does he bring to the table? Ponder that while you read on. Also ponder his big schnoz.

I could mock 82 more things about Lorenzo, his family, his ties to some random Pope, but let’s get to the arrival of the 25 bitches, I mean women. No need to chronicle them all, but let’s hit up some highlights.

April is a “model.” Her business is showing in her slit-to-the-gills dress and we’re embarrassed.

Jessica is wearing a bad teal dress.

Some chick from Ohio is a Beer Chemist. She’s my best friend. I want her job.

Meri from Mississippi is not doing the dumbest state in the union any favors. “I went to SMU, have you heard of it?” Yes, Meri, we’ve heard of it. Anyone with money has heard of it, so Lorenzo has clearly heard of it. And so have I. I mean, I live at Villa Hondorp for God’s sake!

Rosella, the tragic Clinique counter girl (“Make-up Artist) is Chicago O’Bad Accent. Yikes.

Sarah is the black Canadian. She’s a damn shoe-in.

Desiree, one of the more tragic events of the night, is wearing a tragic dress, says tragic things like “baby” every four words, and brings the Mormons in her hometown of Salt Lake City much sadness. Pure trash, thankyouverymuch.

Erica the socialite, is Texas trash, and we all hate her. Thus, she’ll be around for far too long. “I flew coach for you. You should be flattered.” Flattered or appalled? Sick. Go back to the Houston Galleria and spend more of Daddy’s millions.

Heather is a drunken disaster.

Andrea sings pathetic opera, and we gag.

Sadie is cuter than anything. I want to be fun and sarcastic with her. Her comments about “24 extra people here” and “you better be worth it” were priceless and fun. Love her.

Lisa, a tree-hugging Oregonian, gets the first rose. She’s cute and normal. I might be fine with her.

Two random, non-English speaking Italian tramps show up, we’re over it.

Okay…on to the fun. Don’t worry, the sun has now risen. The girls look like ass, they’re wasted and tired and haggard and hungover, and they just want the damn roses. ABC is brilliant. Brilliant, I tell you. Push stupid people to their limits so as to ignite the drama. Brilliant!

Prior to the rose ceremony, Lorenzo gives us all the “my future wife could be here,” and “at the end of this, I could be on one knee proposing to my future wife” ridiculous one-liners that we’ve heard in the first episode of the past 928747 seasons. Lorenzo, have you studied the results of the previous ABC-financed calamities? I have. ONE couple have been married, and that wasn’t on The Bachelor, that was The Bachelorette! NO OTHERS have survived the initial “love” the found on TV. Thanks. But I share your hope, Lorenzo. And I share the desire of the ladies to see you shirtless.

And Lorenzo begins a to-be-expected “dramatic” rose ceremony.

1) Lisa. Got the first rose and earrings.
2) Kim
3) Jeanette
4) Jami
5) Ellen. Seems like good people.
6) Sarah. What did I tell you, ayyy?
7) Desiree. We’re not surprised, we’re just sad for America.
8) Jennifer
9) Gina. She makes snotty faces.
10) Erica. “Oh my gosh, I’m so happy. You have no idea!” Vomit.
11) Sadie. Cute.
12) Anyaze (sp???). Girl can’t speak English! Are you kidding?

The rest of the losers and drunkards go home. One surprise? Annoying Chicago Italian chick, Rosella, went home. I mean, she sold her car! So sad for her. I actually had a moment of emotion.

The winners toasted their champagne at 6 a.m., and passed out for 25 hours.

This week’s awards:

1) “Bad idea” dress: April’s. Let’s not bare it all on the first night.
2) Best dress: Rita from Richmond. Hot. Too bad you’re going home.
3) Best impression award: Sadie. We love you. Keep the sarcastic remarks a-comin’.
4) Biggest Trainwreck: Desiree. “Baby,” go home.

Until next week,

Mike my-reason-for-living-is-back-on-air Hondorp

p.s. How much fun were the scenes of the upcoming season?? Lorenzo cries?! Bitches go crazy?! I can’t deal!

The madness begins at 9 p.m.

Who: Some "prince" from Italy
What: The Bachelor Rome
When: 9 p.m. tonight on ABC
Why: Because you love me. And because you can't resist yet another inevitable trainwreck.
Where: Um...I presume in front of your TV on your couch.

Be there.

The Prince's Bride?

Friends and foes,

ABC called me today to let me know they have chosen the new bachelor.

He's rich, he's an Italian prince, and he's...a cosmetics executive?!?

Here we go again...another gay bachelor.

Wait for it.

http://abc.go.com/primetime/schedule/2006-07/bachelor.html

SURPRISE OF THE CENTURY...

...or notsomuch.

http://tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060307/ENTERTAINMENT12/603070351/1005/ENTERTAINMENT

Although we knew the minute it aired, the couple have officially split.

And The Bachelor busts again. How long can my lifeblood continue to disappoint me?

This "rocked me to the core!!"

The surprise of the century begins when Travis’s family arrives in Paris. Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-law and two nieces arrive to see Travis on the verge of ruining a woman’s life, and making the life (let’s be honest, maybe six months max) of another.

Sarah is the first lucky one to meet the fam. They meet at an indoor park where her inner kindergarten teacher comes out in a gooby and annoying scene. Cute, immature, whatever. Then, the parents show. Mom’s man-lion hair can’t fit through the door, and we love it. The parents are a bit scary, but Sarah wins them over with her Southern charm. It’s a bit awkward, but we’re fine with it b/c we know he’s choosing Moana.

The second awkward meeting involves Moana, the soon-to-be winner. They meet at the zoo. I barf in my mouth. They all share private moments with Moana, including dumpy brother-in-law. Then, Mom and Dad pose questions to which Moana has no answer at dinner. It’s about the most uncomfortable moment in Bachelor history. Then she pulls through with a quote for the ages which I’ve clearly forgotten. Oh, then she tells them that Travis has “rocked me to the core.” I die. And so do all of you.

After the parent meetings, the girls’ moms arrive and go shopping with the hoes. The shop for rings, they shop for dresses. Okay, serious moment: both girls looked hot as hell in their final dresses. Seriously, Moana was sexy as hell and Sarah was gorgeous. Both sets of boobs were fantastic, as were the asses. Moana’s mom is basically her sister, and Sarah’s mom is chubby. Little else to report.

Then, the REAL final dates happen. Sarah looks hot and pretends to play tennis in a cute tennis dress. Travis is good at tennis, and humors Sarah b/c we all know he’s dumping her. They share a nice dinner where Travis won’t look at Sarah in the eyes, and leaves soon after b/c he’s uncomfortable spending alone time with her. He’s thinking of boning Moana, and we all know it. Sarah basically throws herself at him, goes in for 82 kisses, and Travis barely gives in. No tongue! I hated it. It was awful, and he was so horribly not into her.

Next, Moana cooks dinner for Travis. He loves every second of it and makes out with her. She says, “You’re amazing.” I say this: is Travis really that amazing? Let’s think about it. I think not. Yes, he’s hot. Yes, he has biceps for days. And yes, I’d make out with him. But is he really THAT amazing? I think not. He’s vanilla, according to Aileen (my lover).

Finally, we’re to the final rose ceremony. Travis says his mind is made up, and this is a Bachelor first. I’m impressed. And waiting for him to choose Moana.

And then…

HE CHOOSES SARAH!!!!!

I’m dead and dying. At this point, my voice is gone. I’ve literally never screamed so loud at the TV. Travis dried Moana up for years, and I actually feel bad. Her tears, for once, seemed real. How dare ABC lead us on!!

Sarah, on the other hand, seems rather unenthused. Travis says, “I choose you.” Sarah doesn’t react.

He gives her a necklace with a ring on it, which is code for, “We’re breaking up in two months.”

I’m dead. I can’t. And I’m done.

Tonight’s awards:

1) Cutest: Whitney, the niece.
2) Best line: “Rocked me to the core.”—Moana
3) Most amazing: Cassie and Aileen
4) Best pronunciation: a) “Withdrawwwlll”—Moana, trying to say “withdrawal.” b) “Expecially”—Sarah, trying to say “especially.” Amazing. And maybe a little bit dumb.

I have nothing else. Is this a dream? Did he really choose Moana? Who really cares? Sarah and Travis are breaking up yesterday.

More to come…

With all my lerve,

Mike

“Your Family Pretty Much Threw You Under the Bus”

It was the Bitches Tell All episode, and, being on the road with little better to do, I had to watch. Live from Dallas, it’s my blog.

This won’t be as long as last week, but here are a few highlights.

The first in the hot-seat was Susan (whose family “threw her under the bus”). She sheds the first tears of the evening when every raging bitch rips into her. Led by the angsty Jennifer, the jealous hoes gang up on Susan’s intentions and motives. A few of the earlier-dissed girls defend her, and I side with them. But seriously, BitchFest USA 2006 was pretty hardcore. And I now hate Jennifer—although I loved how Susan went from “falling in love” with Travis to “being in love” with Travis in one sentence.

Next, Stony McStoned-a-lot takes the stage. Sarah from some random country is cute, and she is over Jennifer’s bitchiness.

Next, a cute Kristen saddles up. Her orange-peel teeth haunt us again, but we realize she’s kinda nice and stuff.

Then, Ali G. (or lack thereof) is the focus. She (SURPRISE!!) has declined to show. Brilliant. Maybe it’s because she’s a raging crazy person.

Travis soon arrives, and—as always—he’s a diplomat. Boring…yet chiseled.

Honestly, this is the first time I’ve blogged the Bitches Tell All.

Awards:

Craziest: Da Ali G

Most Jealous: Jennifer

Most Texan: Me. My Texas Tour lasts all week. I plan on buying cowboy boots.

Until the Finale,

Mike

True Life: I'm a blogger.

This past week we took some action shots. Publicist thought it a good idea to allow my readers an opportunity to see me in action.

“I’m not gonna promise anything that I can’t promise.”

Live from LA, it’s me (joined by John and Lindsey). Lindsey and John may be referenced throughout this update, so be prepared. They’re both inappropriate, just like me. That’s the only reason I like them.

So we begin the episode with three chicks left: Moana, Sarah TN, and Susan.

Just kidding, we actually begin the episode with a 45-minute montage of bullsh*t from the past 94785 seasons. We get to see raging bitch Trish from the Jesse Palmer season, Jerry O’Connell’s brother who we don’t remember, and also Bassy McFishalot and Mary McCuban (aka the “tanorexics” [credit to Lindsey]) from the season we didn’t watch. Who knew that O’Connell and McFishalot secured lovers? I didn’t watch, and neither did you.

Juicy deets from past seasons aside, I’m pissed at ABC for making this episode two hours long. The 45-minute intro was uncalled for, and ABC needs to search for revenue elsewhere. I’m in LA and I’d rather be in some lame West Hollywood bar at which I could make fun of lame LA people instead of being holed up in my fabulous (mind you) hotel room on the Sunset Strip with a view of the hills, the pool, and the skyline. Oh, the only fabulous thing here isn’t just my hotel. There’s also me. Hi, I’m Mike, and I’m fabulous.

After I shot myself nine times, the first overnight date begins in smelly Venice. Moana and Hotty Mc-Hot-a-Doc meet in the pigeon-infested city, and actually let the rats with wings fly all over them. After barfing, I return to the TV and join the lovers on their dinner date where Travis toasts himself to being with the “most beautiful woman in Venice.” By beautiful, he means, “your hair is dyed FAR too black.”

Travis says gooby things at dinner, and my vomiting continues. Then he gives her the letter inviting sex in a room together (aka the “fantasy suite”). Moana pulls out the insecurity card, and Travis says, “I’m not gonna promise anything I can’t promise.” Clearly he read that in President Bush’s latest diary entry. They have wild passionate in the fantasy suite, and we see and/or hear nothing. I hate it.

Vienna is the setting for Date 2. Sarah TN meets Hotty Doc in Austria, and they ride a ferris wheel. He doesn’t like her like he likes Moana and we all know it. Lindsey thinks her turtleneck looks straight out of Jacklyn Smith’s K-Mart Pumpkin Spice Collection. I agree. John, ADD for days, is disinterested and drawing on his arm. I, at this point, love that Travis is shirtless. They kiss, although not with tongue. So it’s not hot and I hate it.

Then they have a chat, kiss, and we all die again. It was the most unromantic moment in America. Ewwwwww…and there we have it. Sarah is the frontrunner for losing! She’s as boring as Jenna Jameson giving Ricky Martin a lapdance. She’s a big herpe and we’re Valtrexing her out of our life. This, by the way, is my new favorite saying. Use it in a sentence today. (Credit goes to Lindsey).

Date 3 is somewhere special that I don’t remember (I was filling my wine glass). Travis confronts Susan’s acting ambitions. And they’re wearing helmets which makes it more romantic. Lindsey says, “Having a serious conversation while wearing helmets is almost the equivalent of having an IQ test on a shortbus.”

Susan feigns tears and emotions after being confronted, but we all know it’s just some monologue she memorized prior to taping.

Travis keeps questioning her…I’m getting over it. He’s more interested in the fondue that he is she. Then they get in their bathing suits and we’re happy again. Then they have an awkward kiss.

Back in Paris, the hoes send video messages. Travis says he’s sad.

Then everyone shows up in ugly dresses. Oh yay.

And the roses go to:

1) Moana (duh)
2) Sarah TN

Susan gets Valtrexed. We think it’s because of the helmet. But she was the prettiest. And that’s all that matters (because I’m in LA, not b/c I’m mean. Just kidding).

Gross with their parting remarks. “I swear I’ll never forget you.” What is this, a Titanic meets Cold Mountain moment? I hate it.

Okay, I’m off to make the most of LA. That means, off to mock people.

Until next week…my update from Texas will be one hour later than usual. Then again, I never blog the “Women tell all” episode. It’s dumb. We’ll see if I’m motivated.

Love to all,

Mike

I've failed.

I'm faced with a choice: do I write a pseudo-review, or do I maintain my journalistic integrity and confess the truth? I choose the latter.

Friends, lovers, fans and foes, I have failed you. Instead of watching The Bachelor last night, a Fashion Week extravaganza begged for an appearance, and as a star in New York, my publicist thought it best that I attend. And I may have had one (or three) too many glasses of champagne.

A little bird told me this, though. Moana's family is crazy. Sarah from Canada is a stoner who lives in a mythical land to the north. Susan is furthering her career and was engaged in the past. And Sarah from TN is fine.

Roses to Moana, Susan and Sarah TN. Stoner McGee is sent back to "Canada."

Okay, I'm crying. How could I miss all these juicy deets?!?!

Please, I beg of you. Let me win you back next week with a review that will knock your socks off! I'll be watching from LA, so the post will be three hours past its normal time.

Love and apologies,

a humbled Mike

Pics from a drunken night.

Um...pics from a Bachelorite. Hotty Doc, what's with the long hair? That's the biggest damn mess. Keep the juicy deets coming, readers. You know you love this.

"Head-to-toe Spandex. That's hot."

Six hoes, three days, four roses. And we begin.

Who’s going to decide who gets the one-on-one dates? Who else? Bitches from previous episodes! Jenny (the “model”) and Shiloh (the woman named after a horse) return to Paris to interview/interrogate the remaining ladies. When I say “interview/interrogate” I mean degrade and mortify.

They basically rape Moana. And we move on.

Date One: Jehan, 29.
A romantic evening is spent in gay Paris. She confesses the deal-breaker: she’s once been married. She isn’t pure. Travis’s picture of her is ruined. Romantic date thereby over. But, since he has no cojones, he asks her to stay without offering a rose. WEAK.

Date Two: Sarah (from somewhere north), Tara, Susan, Moana.
A bike ride through the countryside fuels competition and heat. Moana, naturally, wins the race. And wins one-on-one time with Hotty Doc. Travis loves women in “head-to-toe Spandex,” by the way.

Moana, as the winner, gets a massage. The other girls get nada. Well, they get to talk about her behind her back—which, I guess, is something. Moana later confronts them after overhearing the sh*t-talking, and cries. For the first time this episode. There are two more incidents of her crying, don’t worry.

Date Three: Sarah from TN
With curlers in her hair, she prepares for her date as any Southern girl would do. Once together, the lovely couple gets a horrific portrait painted, Travis re-affirms that he has no working knowledge of French, and we’re over it. Oh, she gets a rose too.

Prior to the big event (rose ceremony), Travis visits the “women’s home” (oddly reminiscent of a loony bin) and gets some more individual time with the remaining swooners. Sarah (Canada?) reminds us that she’s still stoned. Jehan sells vitamins and is once-divorced. Moana cries again. And again.

Rose Ceremony.

1) Sarah (TN)
2) Sarah (Canada—wait…how much longer can this place exist?)
3) Susan
4) Moana (the bitch always pulls through!)

BYEEEEEEEE to Tara and Jehan. Tara, warns Travis of Moana’s disastrous ways. We’re over it. Because, you know what? She’s not all bad. ABC is just starved for some drama.

Tonight’s Awards:

1) Most hideous shirt: Travis’s puke-brown shirt at the rose ceremony.
2) Most Dramatic: Moana. Stop the tears. We don’t like them
3) Outfits that best epitomize the South: Sarah (TN). Boufant hair, curlers, overdone dresses. It all amounts to the rebel lifestyle.

Until next week, your undying Bachelorite,

Mike

Bachelorite Update #1!

From a loyal (and sexy) bachelorite who lives in Nashville:

"i actually SAW mr hot doc the other night at a bar. he is cuter in person if you can believe it. and word here in nashville is that sarah from tn makes it to the round where he meets her parents and it goes badly. she went cuckoo when her last relationship broke up and told everybody her now ex is gay."

I love having my minions do the dirty work...

"When I wake up, I'm excited."

Chris begins the episode with the all-important question: “Who wants to be a doctor’s wife.” Well…me for one. But, let’s get to the juice…

Hotty-Mc-Hot-A-Doc’s friends join us in France to accomplish one mission: superficially judge the remaining girls. Make them do embarrassing things, and humor us for days.

Then, Date One begins. Friends Matt and Kevin chose Susan for the first date, which was a romantic evening spent in a Smart Car and a Parisian Café. This one-on-one date will live in infamy due to the following quotes.

1) “Oh my god, I completely agree with you.” – Susan
2) “I like you so much it freaks me out.” – Susan
3) “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan

And I’m dead. Susan is an aspiring actress. To me, she’s an aspiring Univision star. God those Spanish telenovelas are AMAZING! To our surprise, she gets a rose.

Date Two: Tara, Sarah from TN, Moana, Jehan and Shiloh are whisked away to the French Riviera. Drama ensues.

Mr. Bicep takes his shirt off, and we’re all peeing a little bit. His biceps are larger than my midsection, and I’m fine with it.

First, Moana takes Travis for a ride on the SeaDoo. The bitches are pissed, and it’s all normal in Bachelorland. Gambling soon begins, and Shiloh becomes inappropriately drunk. She then wastedly exposes Moana’s cruel intentions. We’re a bit embarrassed for her, but we’re over it.

Sarah from TN tells us that she’s serious about Travis after she is presented with the question: “Are you a sexual being?” which serenades as “Are you a virgin?” My take? Yes, she’s a raging virge. Then a drunken Old Navy employee interrupts (Tara).

Moana wakes Travis the following morning with some coffee and a little morning loving (which we all agree is the best). She thus secures the rose.

Date Three: Sarah (Canada) and Jennifer go camping! Jennifer, the “model” is a bit uncomfortable with the concept of time spent outside, and she loses because of it. She’s afraid of bugs, and Travis is afraid of her. Sarah, in her stoned magnificence, gets the last rose. She’s drunk, she’s on drugs, and we love it all. But, then we come to the following realization: when is Travis going to realize she doesn’t exist? What is this Canada place?

Tonight’s Roses…
1) Susan
2) Moana
3) Sarah (Canada)
4) Jehan (who are you?)
5) Tara
6) Sarah (TN)

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to Jennifer and Shiloh.

Tonight’s Awards…
1) Worst outfit: Matt, the doctor friend. A plaid blazer and a ridiculously striped shirt is never a good choice.
2) Best quote: “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan. Seriously…no.
3) Best biceps: Travis. I kinda wanna lick ‘em.

Until next week,

Mike

"Have you guys seen the tip?"

Episode two gets it going. Three dates, twelve hoes, six roses. And we begin. (Let’s not forget that I’m wasted while writing this.)

Date One: Eiffel Tower and Arc

Travis Mc-Hot-A-Doc invites Jehan, Yvonne, Cole, Sarah from TN and Elizabeth on a sightseeing tour of Paris. It’s raining, hair is deflating, and the romance is waning. Yet, out of nowhere, Travis says, “Have you seen the tip…” And the fun begins. Jehan confesses that her three passions are nature, church and health. Wow, I couldn’t be more excited. Er…what? Regardless, Jehan secures the rose and she’s safe until episode three.

Date Two: Boat Cruise on the Seine

Travis invites Kristen O’Mall Hair on a romantic date on the Seine. She writes a poem worthy of a first-grade writing prize and loses Travis’s interest. And then, to think she hadn’t already ruined it all, she puts an orange peel in her mouth to mimic trash teeth. At this point, I’m dying. I’m sorry, who does that? As if your ramen-noodle hair hadn’t already set you behind the competition, you have to go and write a bad poem and serenade him with trash teeth?? So, needless to say, Kristen was quickly dismissed with an anti-rose. Have a safe flight, Kristen. Maybe boys in Florida will appreciate your knack at elementary literature.

Date Three: Jennifer, Shiloh, Moana, Susan, Sarah from Canada and Tara

A helicopter lands at the manse and picks up the six ladies. They are whisked away to somewhere French and inevitable romance ensues. Sarah from Canada (what?? Can someone remind me of the location of said fictional place??) states, all so eloquently, “I feel wow with you,” and I proceed to barf. Tara, red-headed and fabulous, walks around in unfortunate shorts. Let me remind us all that her profession is “retail sales.” I can picture her now in a suburban Kansas Old Navy, complete with a Backstreet-Boys-style headset. She’s clearly amazing and talented in her chosen profession. Yet, skills and all, she secures the rose on Date Three. And we have a red-head in the top six. I think it’s Travis’s version of affirmative action. I, too, have a dream, that one day, we will have a red-head in the top six of The Bachelor. And we do. Thank you, MLK.

At the rose ceremony, a greasy Travis chooses:

1) Moana, the dark horse
2) Sarah from TN
3) Jennifer
4) Sarah from Canada who requests “baby kisses”
5) Shiloh
6) Susan
7) Jehan
8) Tara

Byeeeeeeeeee to 1) Yvonne, 2) Cole, 3) Elizabeth, and 4) Kristen.

Awards:

1) Quote of the night: “Have you guys seen the tip?” –Travis
2) Best outfit: Tara’s tweed shorts. Never. Ever. For real.
3) Most wasted: everyone I watched the Golden Globes with. I love you all.

I’m drunk and I’m going to bed.

Until next week,

Mike

"I'm ready for the reproductive stage."

Well folks, the above-quoted sentence is one we’ve all learned never to say. Thanks Crazy…I mean Allie.


Friends, lovers, and everyone in between,

It’s back. And so am I.

Oh, and so are the crazies. Her name is Allie, by the way. And apparently she’s an oncologist. If we could go ahead and refer her to the nearest psychiatrist, that’d be great.

And on with the show…

We join Hotty McHot-a-Doc in Paris. Naturally, he’s educated, hot, and loaded with traits aimed at raising his stock price. Namely, he’s a doctor named Travis who says things like, “Yeah, it’s very big.” More on that quote to come.

Travis, by the way, might be my comeback kid. His stock is cresting (again, a Hot Doctor), he lives in the South, and he’s the next Bachelor. Thank you ABC, you just may have picked a winner. Oh let’s be honest, he’ll choose some chick and they’ll break it off two months later. But I blog on…

The ladies arrived to the chateau limo by limo, one by one. Some were cute. Some wore bad dresses. And some spoke of their dying eggs and their need to make babies ASAP. Note to self, never mention dying eggs and necessary reproduction during first five minutes of meeting man of dreams. (Also realize that I don’t have eggs.)

A few highlights of the arrivals: Kristen’s (a.k.a. “Jugs”) huge boobs; Moana’s disastrous dress; Princess’s name; Jaime’s dress and mall hair; and Sarah’s (the Canadian) stoned demeanor.

Note to ABC: we’re on to you. You only film the hoes that he picks and/or cause drama. It makes rose time less exciting. Also, work on the music. I’ve asked for three (3) seasons now for new music, and you’ve yet to deliver. It’s getting old.

Okay, back to the show. The first rose went to Sarah from Canada (I’m sorry…where is that again?). She was stoned. It’s just that simple.

The remaining roses went to:
1) Cole
2) Moana who wore a bad dress and ugly leaf earrings
3) Jennifer who’s a “model”
4) Elizabeth
5) Shiloh who was named after some horse that I rode when I was 6.
6) Yvonne
7) Jehan
8) Susan
9) Tara
10) Sarah from TN who’s cute
11) “Jugs” (Kristen)

And now, for tonight’s awards.

-Best Occupation: Jehan. She’s a “Vitamin Sales Rep.”
-Best Quote: “Yeah, it’s very big.” –Travis. (See above.)
Runner-up: “I work in a hospital” –Travis. Just say you’re a doctor, you humble sh*t.
-Best—i.e. WORST—name: Princess (runners up are Shiloh, Venus and Jehan)
-Cutest: Sarah and Sarah. Get ready to duke it out, bitches.
-Worst Moment: “I’m ready for the reproductive stage.” – Allie. Get some help.
-Biggest Stoner: Sarah from…where?...Canada??
-HOLY CRAZY AWARD: Allie. Enjoy your flight home. And remind me to tell all your patients you’re crazy.
-Coolest: Me. Obviously.


Until next week, au revoir,

Mike, your devoted, loving, redeemed blogger.

The time has come.

Our lives are again complete (starting at 10 p.m.).

Oh no ABC didn't...

T-minus 5 days until The Bachelor: Paris. Don't even lie about it.

Seriously.