Ben F. is the next Bachelor

Oh Ben...I had higher hopes for you than this. Really? The next Bachelor?

Are you too nice for a season full of me tearing you (and your lady friends) down on a weekly basis?

Time will tell, Ben. Time will tell. Until then, keep drinking your wine. You'll need it.

Happy Ending

Are you ready for this mess? It's pretty simple: this season was the worst. As was this episode. There's nothing like a tatted-up overly-critical sister to bring a man down, and that's exactly what happened tonight.

You'd think Fiji was an amazing place until you saw Ashley's family there. Nothing like a sweaty brother wearing a shark's tooth necklace to bring a bro down. Add a ridiculous amount of sweat into the equation and you're done for. Dude was toweling off on camera throughout the episode. Pair him with his Nascar-loving dad and bad-dye-job mom, and the family was a mess. And don't even get me started on the sister. She says she's the rational one? I'd love for her to explain the rationale in covering every square inch of her upper body in bad-taste tattoos. Yup, I said it. Really? An Asian woman on your upper arm? No thank you.

The first family meet-up was with JP. A sweaty JP got to meet a very sweaty family on the very sweaty lawn of their private cottage. Whomever produced this episode was either 1) brilliant or 2) blind. Why show each and every wiping of the sweat from the brow/boobs/neck throughout the entire date? (Too make us drink faster during our impromptu drinking game, thankyouverymuch.) A sweaty JP is questioned quite heavily from Ashley's tatted up (like tattoos from head to toe) sister. The one that ruined it all: "Does he make you laugh?" asked the horrible sister. To which Ashley can't fathom a response. From there on out, Sister Tats McGee was over it and over JP. She let him know, too. She told him that Ashley was more into Brad last season than she was into him, and she told Ashley the same. Cue the tears (and cue Reason To Drink #2 in our drinking game). In the words of Evil Sister: "You're too much for him," to which Ashley states that "He's better for me" (than Ben). Later, during some one-on-one time, Ashley's sister and JP sit down to chat further. Amy Winehouse (I mean her sister) says that JP is too serious for Ashley and we all have decided Sister is obnoxious and horrible and jealous. Ugh...the only good part about this date was when Ashley's sister made her cry (which we, once again, drank to). Anyone see where Ashley's insecurity comes from? Done and done.

The next date--oddly later the same day--was with Ben. A sweaty Ben meets her same dumb family. Luckily they're inside this time...but it doesn't stop poor Ben from sweating profusely. There is very little remarkable about this date besides: 1) Ben re-confirming the fact that he always dresses well; 2) Ashley's brother looks like a sweaty k.d. lang; and 3) when Ben and Ashley demonstrated their talking-to-their-dog voices, I drank an entire bottle of wine. Ashley's sister was way nicer to her; and--in turn--Ashley was totally weird and pretending she was funny and silly with Ben when in fact she was just stupid and dumb and trying to impress her family.

Later, she has her final date with Ben during which she is totally over him and he overtly expresses his love for her. She closed-mouth kisses him and it's amazingly horrible. I'll drink to that. Poor Ben...

Next, she has her last date with JP. He's totally over the fact that her family completely hated him, but he tells her he loves her and gives her a completely unoriginal producer-made photo album. We all collectively barf...but then we barf more when Ashley leaves the date without boning him. What?!? Seriously? Maybe it's because we all know who she's choosing and she knows she has a lifetime (or a month) of boning ahead of her.

So...yeah...

At the rose ceremony, Horrible Ashley gets a visit from the well-dressed Ben first. He gets down on one knee and proposes. What's horrible about this is the fact that Ashley let him get this far knowing she was going to say no. Poor guy gets dumped. But his reaction is amazing and dignified. We love him. We hate Ashley for letting him get to the point of getting on one knee when she knew she wasn't going to choose him. She just confirmed her horrifitude (made that word up, yes).

Next, JP shows up in his awfully-textured black tux to propose to a stupid Ashley who says yes even though neither of them are sure of this. Surprise! It's the end of another horrible season and we're promised a break-up and tear-filled TV special in the very near future (which will be coincidentally timed perfectly with the start of another Bachelor season). Sidenote: I didn't even see the proposal because I was too entertained by the reaction of my friends with whom I watched this far-too-long season.

Awards:
1) Worst underscore EVER: "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore," by REO Speedwagon during the proposal and its aftermath. If you were wondering what 80s power ballad had the cheapest music rights, now you know. Really? Really...this actually happened.
2) Best Dressed: Ben. All season long. The world has a collective crush on you.
3) Most dignified: Ben. We heart you and your perfectly hipster-meets-prep personal style. See you next season when you're the Bachelor.

Until never,
Mike

P.S. I can't even get started on the "After the Final Rose Special." There wasn't enough wine...even though there was and I drank two bottles on my own over the course of this train-wreck of a night. What? Yes.

To Bone or Not To Bone

Dear Baby Jesus, please make this season end. Oh, what? You're shortening it a week and airing The Dudes Tell All and The Finale back-to-back next week? Thank you for also realizing this is the worst season ever, and that Ashley will go down in history as horrible.

Now that we have that cleared up, let's get to tonight's episode. In two words: it sucked. To Bone or Not To Bone is a seminal moment in each season, yet somehow--like clockwork--Ashley has failed to deliver once again. But before we get into tonight's three boring dates, Ryan (a.k.a. Smiles McGee) returns to reclaim his lost love. Um...no...but more on that later. You still suck, and must we remind you she sent you home!

The first date is with Ben. He is cute, he is fashionable, and he adores her with his doe-eyed oblivion. He's also way more into her than she is into him, and it's slightly upsetting. After 82 seasons of this mess, I can hone right in on the setting-you-up-for-heartbreak music, and it was underscoring the entire date. Of course, we have a few moments of cuteness (or downright overt sexuality) when they cuddle-slash-almost-bone on the boat deck. At dinner, Ben is ready to open up, but we can all read Ashley's over-it face a mile away. Regardless, when faced with the To Bone or Not To Bone date card, they choose: To Bone. However I fail to believe there was boneage. Sad, because I like him best. (Guess who's going to be next season's Bachelor?!?!? You heard it here first.)

The next date is with Constantine. She clearly likes him. He's clearly put on some weight. They have a lovely day on a helicopter and jumping in waterfalls. Then they have a dinner which President Obama rudely decided to interrupt with our silly debt crisis. I mean, really? Is the President of our fair States really prioritizing our inevitable default on debt over Constantine and Ashley's inevitable breakup? Really, Barack? Now?!? The audacity (of hope) this man has is unbelievable! But back to the task at hand...which is Constantine breaking up with Ashley mid-date! Yes, you read that correctly. He says he hoped to be at a point of saying he loved her, and he's unable to do it. He then excuses himself from the date (third guy so far this season!!!) and walks away from free sex. Let's be honest, people. He must have really been over Ashley to walk away from a night of free, guiltless, and paid-for lovemaking in the Fantasy Suite to dump her mid-dinner. It was downright amazing. And with that, Ashley has just set a record for the most-dumped contestant in history. In other words, I'm not the only one who thinks she's the worst. More wine, please. Verdict: Not To Bone.

The last date is with JP. Ashley poignantly describes their relationship as "adventuresome," a word I would not have chosen (nor do I believe exists). But first, she dumps Ryan again. But enough about him. JP and Ashley have a nice date. She definitely likes him, but does she really like him? Or is she just nervous he's the only one that has a chance because she's been walked out on 12 times this season? I think the latter. My favorite part of the date? When Ashley told JP that she and Constantine decided together that there was nothing between them. Amazing euphemism for "he dumped me." It was brilliant. But JP was sold. At the end of the date, the verdict was in: To Bone.

So...another uneventful rose ceremony of foregone conclusions leaves us with:

1) Ben
2) JP (Who wore mandals. MANDALS!!!!!!)

Awards:
1) Worst: Ashley

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. For those who missed it, The Dudes Tell All is next Sunday, and The Finale is next Monday. 7 more days until we're free!

Hometown Dates

This will be fast. Why? Because I missed last week due to my famous trip to Sonoma. Why was I there? Because this show forced me to take an entire trip focused on wine and the consumption thereof. Wine makes life easier because this show makes life hard. Thanks. That is all. (Sorry for the atypical delay in posting, for real.)

Before the first hometown date, we get to see Ashley's studio apartment (yes, I just said studio--as in one-room home--in Philadelphia). Nothing like a Bachelorette living the glamorous life.

Date one: Constantine at home in Georgia. They start at his Italian restaurant. Yes, you read that correctly. The Greek guy's Italian restaurant. Naturally. But then you throw in a Greek dad and a full on Southern mom, and it makes sense. Just a mixed bag, if you will. Cute dinner and a nice family--especially when the extended family showed up for a fulfills-all-stereotypes Greek family gathering dance party. Awesome. Overall, I give the date an A-. She got the approval of both Mom and Dad. Opa!

Date two: Ames and his WASP-defining family. Nothing like the Main Line, Philadephia to reenforce every stereotype of the American WASP. It's amazing. Horse-farm-dwelling-yet-urbane stiff-upper-lipped family? Brilliant. He and his sister, Serena, are literally twins (down to the teeth and forehead), and I love all of it. Her name is not fitting, but whatever. Her Botox is also a mess, but whatever. Don't worry about the sister's convo with Ashley. It happened poolside...next to their INDOOR pool. Like, barf. I mean, do they live in a house, or a country club? Or is there any difference to Ames's family? My favorite part? His sister hits home the fact that no one can find a fault in Ames. Um...yes they can. I've met five of them and his faults are pretty pronounced. What? Yes. I also loved that his family Waspily (didn't say it verbally, but said it with their tone and facial expressions) realized that Ashely is not one of them. She's essentially the help, and I almost expected his mom and sister to ask Ashley to clear the dishes. Later, Ames and Ashley spend some time alone where we are now shown that, without a doubt, the two share no chemistry.

Next we head to--where else??--Sonoma! Ben F. is cute in his grey jeans and boat shoes and he's smitten as he takes her to taste his wines out of the barrel. Ahhh...to be smitten. And wine tasting. (Sidenote: I want his family's house in Sonoma. Thanks.) They share a dinner with Mom and Sister. And then there's the emotional talk about Dad with Mom, and we all cry. OK, Ben just jumped to the top of my list on which he was already towering. Ben is falling for her, she likes him back, and there's not much more to say.

Finally, we head to Long Guyland to meet JP's family. Upon seeing him, Ashley confirms she definitely likes him with her reaction and demeanor. Since it's raining, they go roller skating, like all 7th graders do. All the details were there, down to the number one power ballad of all time: REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling." I died. Then I barfed. Then I died more when they shared wine out of paper cups. Later on, we head to his family's house in Roslyn, NY. From here on out, please read everything in a harrible Long Guyland accent. Their house is wondahfully suburban, and it's positively perfect...in a vinyl-sided kind of way. Everyone is so darn concerned about JP, though. Who was this devil woman who broke his heart so profoundly? Poor guy. But, not too poor. He's totally fallen for Ashley and is confident they'll end up together. This may not end well...

Back in LA Ashley chooses everyone but Ames. Surprise!

The final three:
1) Constantine
2) Ben
3) JP

Goodbye Ames. Your incapacity to process your dismissal was hilarious. Your dumbfounded face was priceless and we enjoyed every minute of your mouth agape. And your fake tan. In addition, your jacket was pinned AGAIN. Why did this happen twice?

Sorry for posting this so late. Another update after tonight's episode.

Until...um...tonight,
Mike

Made in Taiwan

Children...we only have a few episodes left until this dreaded season comes to a close and another impending breakup is upon us. I pray we make it through. Thank God we have wine to dull the pain.

Tonight we continue our travels through Asia, and find ourselves in Taipei, Taiwan. We've got four dates to get through, so let's get started!

Date one goes to Constantine. Honestly, I have little to report. They paint a paper lantern, walk around, and share a dinner. I'm not sold that Constantine is into Ms. Ashley, and his lack of leg-grazing confirms the fact. But, he is getting cuter as the season goes on. Is he into her? I vote maybe. A big Greek maybe.

Date two brings the second Josh Groban look-a-like together with Ashley on a moped cruise through the gorges of Taiwan. After a brilliant Dumb and Dumber reference by Ben, the lovebugs hop on the motorcycle and drive around the Taiwanese countryside. Later, at dinner, Ben is wearing a killer outfit (chambray shirt and dark jeans)--total preppy hipster--and I love it. He is 100% falling for her, and I just can't tell if she's not feeling it or just drunk. But, after he lays some special lines on her, they kiss. Is she a bad kisser? Perhaps. Give us some tongue, people! Enough of this pecking BS. But later, they go at it and he totally rubs up on her.

As I was ruminating on whether or not Ben and Ashley were made to be, we cut to the next morning when Ben returns from the date. Excuse me, what? Did he have the chance to bone her before the To Bone or Not to Bone episode? Is he jumping the gun on jumping her bones? Honestly, I don't really care. But you know who does? JP. He about loses it as Ben returns home the morning after he left for his date. He can't handle it, and slightly freaks out. Unfortunately for bald guys, we can see those veins bulging much easier without hair (Thank you Baby Jesus, for blessing me with a full mop up top!) and his emotions are plainly visible.

The group date is next, and lucky Lucas, Ames and JP get to go to a wedding photo shoot where they dress up in idiotic outfits and take stereotypical Asian wedding pics. It's like the worst date ever. Lucas is dressed in a manmono (man kimono), Ames looks like Elton John, and JP (lucky) dons a dapper black tux. The photo shoot goes OK, and afterwards, there is a cocktail party and some one-on-one time. Ames busts out the big guns with Nantucket reds, a blue oxford, and a navy blazer (I die). Unfortunately for him, JP gets the rose after proving that--perhaps--he's more insecure than Ashley. JP divulges to her that he's not dealing with her dating other guys very well, and I think she secretly loves the validation of her innate insecurity. I think JP's strategery works perfectly as his honestly earns him a rose.

The last one-on-one goes to Mr. Happy (Ryan). Or is he? Honestly, the date is a bore. It's the moment he's been waiting for all season...and...well...he blows it. They have nothing to talk about, he quizzes her--after moments of silence and awkwardness--on her environmental concerns (did he really bring water heaters into the conversation??!!??), and she's just not feeling it. Nor are we. Thus, she lets him go in the middle of the date. His reaction was priceless. His smile lines/crows feet quickly turn to frown lines, and we're forced to endure far too many minutes of forced fake tears, emotion, and hilarious photo ops as he deals with the stunning blow to his ever-so-smiley ego. The montage of walks past bridal boutiques, thoughtful moments in rose gardens, and priceless cab hailings against a heart-shaped flower backdrop (I'm serious) were nearing the point of priceless. But honestly, good riddance Sir Smiles-a-lot. We've had enough.

After his emotional parting, Ashley knows who's getting the boot as she tells Chris that she will not be hosting a cocktail party prior to the rose ceremony. So...duh...she gives roses to:

1) JP
2) Constantine
3) Ben
4) Ames--Kudos to anyone who noticed his jacket was pinned to appear better fitting than it actually was. Um...stylists?

Byeeee: Lucas. Best of luck back on the oil fields of Texas. As if Ashley is cut out for that life. And as if this decision was a surprise.

Tonights awards.
1) Best outfit: Ames's Nantucket reds ensemble. Close second goes to hipster-meets-prep Ben. Love him.
2) Frontrunner: Ben. Sorry JP...you've been dethroned.
3) The Close Your Mouth Award: Ames. Just see if he EVER closes his mouth. He can't. Must be the size of his ego and veneers keeping that bad boy propped open.

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. Emily came back and told us why she and Bromack broke up. Except for she didn't. Not a word about why they parted. Do you think her Dallas-style blowout and boob inflation had anything to do with it? Or is Brad intimidated by the fact that any part of her face above her eye sockets is incapable of moving? Awesome. And we'll be seeing her on the next season of The Bachelorette.

Bromack. Emily. Donezo.

Read all the juice here.

The inevitable break-up has finally occurred. And another one bites the dust.

The return of the Dot Dot Dot

It's the night we've been waiting for. Bentley, the d-bag of the century is set to return to (hopefully) confirm, once and for all, that he's the douchiest of bags.

So before we get into this episode's dates in Hong Kong, we first get to see the dreaded Bentley once more. When Chris Harrison tells Ashley that Bentley has flown to Hong Kong and is in the hotel to see her, she responds with a profound: "SHUT UP!" Chris is like...um...no. And you're crazy. Ashley then confesses to the camera that she's so excited Bentley flew all the way to Hong Kong to see her. Like he's actually there to rekindle the relationship they never had. Um, Ashley? 1) You're still officially deranged; and 2) He's there for one reason and one reason only: to extend his crusty 15 minutes of "fame" and to chill in a posh hotel suite instead of being a father to his poor (and poorly-named) daughter.

After letting the shock that Bentley is back settle in, Ashley heads to his room to figure out the "dot dot dot." At the door, we get to witness the most awkward kiss of the season thus far, as Ashley plants one on an unsuspecting Bentley. It's amazingly hilarious. And like that, Bentley starts leading her on once again. Leg touches, arm grazes, you name it. This guy has his act down...he's a true artisan of douche baggery, and for that, I salute him. But, in the end, Ashley surprisingly sees through his idiocy, and realizes that this is not the dot dot dot, but the period. I did actually love that she called him out for simply wanting a "vacay" as opposed to figuring things out with her. You finally guessed it Ashley! Congrats! So...with a very apropos "F*ck you" from Ashley, Bentley is sent packing forever, and she's finally capable of falling for the guys who are actually there to be with her. (As opposed to plug their indoor trampoline business.)

So, on to the dates! The first one-on-one goes to Lucas, or Big Tex. It's this West Texan's first time to shine...and like the oil glistening on his cowboy boots...he kind of does. Their date is a stroll around town followed by a sail and dinner in the harbor. At first I thought there was no spark whatsoever, but then Ashley gets him to open up a bit about his divorce, and he seems like a genuinely good guy. She gives him a rose, and then he gives her a cute kiss and they dance. Ashley confesses she feels comforted by his "manlihood." After briefly choking on my wine and dying, I've decided that yes, she is the worst. I'm not sold on Lucas at all, but he does seem very calm and collected and comfortable around her. Dark horse?

The group date puts Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ben, Ames and Blake in a boat-to-boat dragon race to woo Ashley. The six guys are split into three teams. The Blue Team, or Team Twinsies, is Constantine and Ben. The Red Team, or Team Frenemies, is Blake and Ryan. And The Black Team, or Team Pronounced Facial Features (Ames's forehead and Mickey's jaw), is Ames and Mickey. They have to recruit innocent Hong Kongians (what is the proper term here, and do I care?) to fill their boats so they can compete with a full team. Long story short, Team Pronounced Facial Features wins the big race...and later that night (after little to report besides Ames's and Ashley's kiss-filled elevator ride to a nice view of Hong Kong) the rose goes to bright, happy, cheerful Ryan. The guys are pissed. Ryan is, well, happy. Duh. Dude has two emotions, happy and happier, and she's bringing them both out to shine.

The last date is the long awaited second one-on-one between current frontrunner, JP, and Ashley. She's very excited to see him, and JP is equally so. He's also super sexy and we all love him. We love him even more after he fully tells Ashley he's falling for her. Then Ashley tells JP about Bentley. As suspected, this cool cat shrugs it off and loves her for her honesty. He was a bit thrown at first, but he comes back around and spends the rest of the date making out with her all over Hong Kong after he gets the rose. He's definitely got a lock on the frontrunner position. Did anyone catch her calling him "Jordan Paul?" Go Team JP! We got some love in the making.

Then at the rose ceremony, a confident and relieved Ashley wants to get the Bentley news off her non-existent chest to the rest of the guys. Surely they'll take it as well as JP did. Right? Wrong. Unfortunately, they're not as nice as JP and the reaction is...well...mixed at best. Lucas is flat-out pissed. Ryan is happy-go-lucky as always. Blake is mad, but after he makes her cry, his mood changes and he's over it. And Mickey flat-out asks to be sent home, and after Ashley turns it on him, he dismisses himself and floats away into the Hong Kong moonlight. I mean, he was boring, so no one really cares that he's left, but that was a dumb move. Or smart, if you--like the rest of us--think Ashley is a big mess.

So, after an emotional week in Hong Kong, Ashley gives roses to:
1) Lucas
2) Ryan
3) JP
4) Ben
5) Constantine
6) Ames

Byeeeee to: Mickey and Blake. No big loss there as we never got to know Blake, and he was kind of a dick about Ashley's Bentley news. But I think he's a good guy, so sorry to see him go.

1) The Official "Dot Dot Dot" Count: 8. She said it 8 damn times.
2) F-bomb surprise: Ashley has a potty mouth!
3) Sexiest: JP
4) Frontrunner: JP
5) Always wearing white pants: Ames. Will I see you in Nantucket later this summer?

My end of season prediction, after seeing the saucy previews: JP makes it to the end. But, after a few twists and turns near the end where he's not convinced Ashley loves him, he leaves her on the altar even though she chooses him in the end. So Ashley ends up alone. Yup, I said it. I also think Ames might secretly make it to the final two as well. We seriously have to live with his forehead for another month? Yikes!!!

Until next week (Is it on? Do I have to skip the beautiful Pure Michigan fireworks to watch this trainwreck?),
Mike

Brain Damage

Brain damage? I think I have it after watching this show. Ames also has it, but we'll get into that later. In case you've never watched this show before, this was a horrible season to start. Why? Because Ashley is simply the worst. The worst, I tell you! Thank God the wine is limitless in my kitchen...speaking of, let me pour another glass and get this mess started.

We continue our insecure jaunt through Asia with a trip from Phuket to Chiang Mai where there will be--surprise!!--three dates. The first date is a one-on-one between Ben "Emo" F. and Ashley. He looks cute in a pink polo, but he mucks it up with some dark shoes. Sure, my inner preppy loved that they were boat shoes, but still. Wrong color. They spend the day in the markets of Chiang Mai, and frankly, it's boring. Then they sit down and chat near a temple, close to which it is apparently inappropriate to kiss. They talk about how much they want to kiss, and Ashley plants this special quote on us to wake us up as we nod off: "I just wanna jump on him." Sure...me too...if he would show his personality (and his body) a little bit. They share a romantic outdoor dinner later that night during which Ben talks about himself, they share a kiss, and he gets a rose. Nothing too much was notable from the night, besides the fact that Ben looked like a real life Aladdin in his balloon pants and white shirt. Very East Asia chic.

The next date is the group date, and it's a killer sucka punch to the face. Literally. Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, JP and Mickey meet Ashley (who is wearing a stuffed sports bra) at a Thai boxing school where they learn the ins and outs of how to kick a$$ Thai style. The best part, later in the day the dudes are paired up and they literally beat the sh*t out of each other in the ring as Ashley looks on. Very romantic! Amazing date idea, producers! But before we get into who beats whom, let me proudly announce that this is the FIRST SHIRTLESS SCENE OF THE SEASON! Thank Baby Jesus, we finally see the guns these guys have been hiding for the past four episodes! Good body awards go to Ames (I'm sure he's had personal trainers since age 5, being the privileged one he is), Blake and Mickey; although they all looked pretty good. The bods were a bit freshly shorn for my taste, but that's just me.

On to the match-ups...Blake beat Lucas; JP beat Mickey; Ryan P. gave Ames brain damage; and Constantine beat Nick the body builder. Of course with any date involving sport, we had an injury as I hinted in the previous sentence. Ames, with his delicate mind, was clocked one too many times and he was driven via ambulance to a Thai emergency room...all while wearing pink shorts. To be honest, it was awesome. He was 100% dazed and confused and literally just stared aside and smiled for the next day. I loved it. For once, he wasn't regaling us with stories of the 75 countries he's visited and how he's surely Thai boxed with a private tutor before. After his brief visit to the help, though, he returns to the date donning the requisite WASPy white pants and navy blazer. Sure, he looked good. But his blank stare was still in full effect. I loved it. I also loved that Blake got the rose and finally came out of nowhere to give us the goods. Will this be a match made in dentistry heaven? No. Ashley is a mess. But one can hope.

Meanwhile, back at the resort, the final two guys--William and Ben C.--get their dreaded two-on-one date card. Nothing much to report here, except for the fact that William is over the top drunk as the date card arrives. Nothing was made of it during the show, but it was awesome. Dude's eyes were rolling back and he could barely string two words together. It was awesome.

The next day, William and Ben C. go on their date with Ashley. Two walk out the door, and only one will return. Or will he? The two boys accompany Ashley on an elephant-riding, raft-driving date through the Thai wilderness. Ben walks funnily, and William is short. Not only is he short in stature, though, William is also short on manners as he throws Ben under the bus for talking about going home and online dating during his one-on-one time with Ashley. This leads to the best (worst) moment of the night, when Ashley goes directly from her time with William the Rat to dumping Ben without even questioning what she's just heard? Why? Because she's an insecure, spineless idiot and I'm over her. But back to the show...Ben is sent packing without question. It's simply ridiculous. She trusts a cell phone salesman with no college education to show her the way to love? If I trusted a cell phone salesman to guide me through life, I would be saddled with four extra cell phones on a family unlimited plan for the family I don't have. Just sayin'...

But later, Ashley slightly redeems herself by sending William home too. Yes...where two men went...NONE returned! But before he went, William said at dinner: "I'm a 30-year-old boy, I still have a lot to do." Yeah, like get a real job and go to college. So, he's sent home at dinner and he says, during an almost-tearful goodbye, "I leave here; I go back to nothing." Sidenote: I doubt the semicolon was included in the sentence as it came out of his mouth, but it just felt right. Plus, he's not going home to nothing. He's going home to a job at the Sprint store at the mall in Ohio! Lucky William.

At the rose ceremony, Ashley is a predictable insecure, boring mess. She is totally over it and still hung up on the guy who willingly left the show two episodes ago because he's a fame-hungry a$$: Bentley. I literally can't comprehend this, so I'm not going to get into it in this precious place we call the blogosphere. But she's a train wreck and I can't wait until Bentley comes back next week.

The only other notable thing at the rose ceremony was Constantine's unfortunate neon green dress shirt, which luckily (for us, not Ashley) matched Ashley's eye makeup. Amazing.

So, Ashley gave roses to:
1) Ben F.
2) Blake
3) Constantine
4) Lucas
5) JP
6) Ames
7) Mickey
8) Ryan

Byeeeee: Ben C., William, Nick.

Awards:
1) Biggest Mess: Ashley
2) Worst. Bachelorette. Ever: Ashley. Right on the heels of the Worst Bachelor Ever, Bromack!
3) Frontrunner: JP.

Until next week,
Mike

Thigh-land

As each and every season does, we've moved on from LA. This season we're headed to rainy Phuket, Thailand. Why? Because it's cheaper during the rainy season, duh. And Ashley is so heartbroken over Bentley that she needs a change of scenery. At least that's what Chris Harrison says. We all know this was the plan all along, but we'll just go with it. And on the Bentley note? Let's play a little game here. It's called How Many Times Can Ashley Mention Bentley in One Episode? (I'll give you a hint: it's over 10.)

Upon arriving to Thailand, Ashley sits down with the concierge of the resort to ask for assistance in planning the dates. Does this barely-English-speaking concierge actually help her plan dates? No, but it's a great effort at getting the resort more of a branded presence in a greater way than just flashing the sign in the exterior shot. Great job, Renaissance Resort, Phuket. Kudos.

Before I get into the dates, though, can I please air a rather large grievance first? We are on episode four, people, and we have YET to have a shirtless pool scene! This is blasphemy! There are two reasons we watch The Bachelorette. The first is hot guys, and the second is shirtless hot guys. Help a brother out, ABC. Your show is built upon gratuitous shirtless scenes...make it happen already! There has been no shortage of pools at your locations. There has, however, been a shortage of shirtless man meat.

The first date goes to Constantine. He's flown under the radar so far, so we're not sure what to expect. Their date is supposed to be a boat to a private beach, but the red flags at sea force the date to the land. So Constantine and Ashley shop on the streets of Phuket and gain advice on how to make a marriage work from a poor shopkeeper. You know, the normal. In between scenes, Ashely focuses each and every voiceover opportunity on Bentley and how she misses him. Awesome. Bentley: 3; Constantine: 0. Luckily, Constantine bears his guns during the dinner scene and woos Ashley even though he's wearing running socks on the beach. What was he thinking? He's on a beach and he's wearing shoes and socks? But he gets a rose. And I think he might actually be a good guy. With nice arms...

The second date is the group date between Ben F., JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William and Ryan. This is the date I'd like to hereafter refer to as the Bachelor Gives Back date. This season, the guys come expecting a lovely day on the seas off Phuket, but instead they have to repair an orphanage. Ashley, the well-spoken one of the group, leads off with this tasty treat: "In case you didn't know, in 2004 there was a tsunami." Oh really, Ashley? The tsunami that killed hundreds of thousands of people just a few years ago and devastated an entire corner of the globe?!?! Nope...don't remember it. But the guys pitch in and do a good deed by painting the orphanage and giving away bikes to needy kids. Ben F. walks away the big winner of the day by painting a poorly-done mural of an elephant and being very emo about it. Not only does the dude look like Josh Groban, he has the heart of an artist too! He also secretly has guns as his biceps were lookin' good as he painted his ugly mural. Later in the evening, JP makes out with Ashley, after which she proclaims his kisses to be the best she's had so far. Pretty hot, I must say. Gotta love a good townie. Ryan, fastly becoming the new most hated member of the house, steals Ashely away not once, but twice, and totally irks the guys. Before the highly anticipated and Worst Pool Scene Ever, Ashley gives the rose to her emo lover Ben F. Then we have our first mass shirtless scene of the season in which no bodies are revealed due to poor lighting and bad editing. Thanks for nothing.

The last date goes to Ames, or, as I'd like to refer to him, Forehead McGee. Forehead arrives wearing a sassy cap-sleeved top and white shorts, like any Yale grad turned NYC banker should. He spares no time in announcing he's been to Thailand four times before (duh, who hasn't?) and regales us with stories of his privileged past (he's been to 70 countries) interspersed with horrifying comments about the fact that navigating caves in a kayak is akin to navigating a new relationship. Profundity, indeed. This dude is as rehearsed as last night's Tony Awards. Before this date, all I cared to know about Yale was the hard-and-fast rule of "One in four, maybe more" (as in one in four guys are gay on campus). Now I just think they're all douchebags. Sorry gays, Ames stole your thunder. He also stole a rose. Ashley is quickly becoming the bachelorette with the worst judgment ever. She's also ridiculously insecure, but we knew that last season. Also, Ames was shirtless in one scene, but we didn't even get to see the bod because his forehead was in the way. Boo.

At the rose ceremony, the boys apparently no longer feel the need to dress up. I think one of them wore a tie. They also don't feel the need to impress Ashley. When asked if he's ready for a relationship, West lets an awful lot of silence pass before giving a bad answer. Lucas just seems like a West Texas frat boy. And Ryan is just happy and dimply, as always.

But Ashley, ever the rule-breaker, feels like she needs to give out 11 roses tonight, instead of 10. So the 11 left standing are:

1) Constantine
2) Ben F.
3) Ames
4) Lucas
5) Ryan
6) JP
7) Nick - Surprise of the night! Dude hasn't had a second of face time yet!
8) Mickey
9) Blake - Better step it up soon.
10) William
11) Ben C.

Byeeee to West. Sorry about your wife, and sorry that some total losers got to stay and not you. :(

Tonight's awards:
1) The Bentley Count: I counted 11 mentions of the DB of the century. You?
2) Literary Scholar/Douchebag Alert/Botoxable Forehead of Dreams: Ames
3) Frontrunner: JP, with Ben F. trailing closely behind.
4) Most famous: Me, duh.

Until next week,

Mike

Dot dot dot...

People, let me just say that--as we all hope--it gets better. Because if it doesn't get better after tonight's episode, our world is doomed to eternal singledom and damnation. Why? Because tonight the walls of normalcy came down and one entire half of our world (the male half) will be digging itself out of its grave for the next 82 years. Who do we have to thank? Bentley, the DB of the century. Or, at the very least, the DB of the last 7 horrifying seasons of this stupid show.

But let's start on a (relatively) positive note first. Tonight's episode has three dates: two one-on-ones, and one group date. The first one-on-one goes to Ben C., the NOLA-bred lawyer with a square jaw and a knack at speaking too much and too fast. He's a self-proclaimed dancer, so Ashley capitalizes on that and takes him to a dance studio to teach him a special routine. After the rehearsal, the lovebirds go to the mall (duh, how romantic) to enjoy an outdoor picnic and an impromptu (SURPRISE!!!) flash mob. Yes, much to Ben's surprise, his dance moves fit in perfectly with the planned flash mob which magically took place in the exact spot of the picnic he shared with Ashley. Wow. But yes, it was cute...even to my ice-cold soul. What was less cute was the verbal diarrhea that spewed from Ben's mouth during their dinner later that night. He was intense and very forthcoming about his hopes and dreams about finding love. So intense, in fact, that Ashley couldn't get a word in edgewise. But, after a few incredibly awkward and tongue-less kisses, Ben gets a rose and stays around until next episode. Hmmm...does she really like him?

The next date is the group date...but first the masked guy--whose name is Jeff, apparently--reveals his face to Ashley. They share a special five minutes out back before they head on the group date, during which Jeff confesses his feelings (what?!?!) for Ashley, and takes of his rubber mask. While I secretly hoped the mask would reveal a face broken out from two weeks behind a mask, all it revealed was a big nose. Wah wah...But, upon revealing his face, Jeff blessed us with this special quote: "Hi, I'm Jeff." Profound, indeed. Much like the size of his schnoz.

The group date...er disaster...is a roast of Ashley at a Sunset Strip comedy club hosted by some comedian named Jeffrey Ross, who I was supposed to know. Let's just say the roast was an utter disaster. Each and every guy (Ben F., Blake, Jeff, Chris, Lucas, Ryan, William and Bentley) embarrassed themselves with bad humor. They also embarrassed Ashley by continually pointing out her small boobs and the fact she wasn't Emily from last season's Bachelor. William, in particular, went a bit over the line and actually made Ashley cry after he referred to her by saying "one man's trash is another man's treasure." Wow...first you didn't go to college and next you say that? Not cool, Cell Phone Salesman, not cool at all. Luckily, Bentley swoops in to comfort her during her teary outbreak by saying that at least 24 out of the 25 guys were happy it was Ashley instead of Emily. For those of you out of the loop, the intended inference was that he was the one outstanding dude who hoped it was Emily upon hearing about the next Bachelorette. Such a nice guy...

William and Ashley talk next, and William apologizes profusely for his mean words. He says that he thinks he should leave because his words were inexcusable (true) and then he goes for a deep and thoughtful walk alone through the sketchy streets of Hollywood. After their talk, Ashley is comforted by some nice guys...namely Jeff (mask) who tells her about his three-legged dog. Um, bad timing, Jeff. And why didn't Ashley stop William from leaving?!? I mean, he was totally mean, but we all love him and so does she.

Next, after being beaten down by the dudes, Ashley feels empowered to call Bentley out on his supposed bad intentions for coming on the show. First off, this fool of a woman is fully in love with Bentley after like three days of knowing him. But she tells him that Michelle Money (pictured below...BOOM) told her that he was not on the show for the right reasons and that he intended to promote his business and leave after a couple weeks. I have a couple things to mention here:

1) This Michelle Money is Crazy from last season. Remember, she was from Salt Lake too? Hair dresser with a daughter named Brielle? Amazing. Michelle Money is, quite literally, money.
2) I love how Trash knows Trash, and Michelle and Bentley are somehow linked very closely. Amazing! Were they married? Do they just come from the same trashy block?



After Ashley confronts Bentley, he stammers and stutters and bit, but somehow discredits Michelle and assures Ashley that he's there for the right reasons. Right...

But, Ashley gives the rose to Ryan P. who comforted her nicely during some one-on-one time.

The next one-on-one with J.P. (yay!) is next, but first, Bentley (who has decided he will leave the show upon waking up) steals the spotlight once again. Is he leaving because he's not attracted to the "ugly duckling" (his words) that is Ashley, or because he isn't an actor and can't keep his BS story going. So, to take his final bow, he visits Ashley during the day to tell her he's leaving the show because he "misses his daughter." What he really means by that is "I'm gonna make her (Ashley) cry...and I hope my hair looks good." Actual words, people! Bentley (remember this guy is a father of a young girl) uses his daughter as BS fodder for baiting Ashley into believing that, although he's fallen for her, he can't go on without his poor daughter who desperately misses her father. Poor daughter is right! This child is the seed of the Worst Version of the Male Specimen, and she's being dragged into this mess because of her DB father. Ashley, upon hearing the news of his intended departure, is overcome with grief as she says through sobs, "Your daughter has your heart, but you have mine." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? IS SHE SERIOUS?!? I can't. Oh but wait...Bentley, milking her for all she's worth, basically tries to bone her by saying he wants to keep the "dot dot dot" (...) with her. "A dot dot dot is better than just a period." Wow. Fortunately, Ashely and Bentley say goodbye without boning. Worst. Bachelor. Ever. Literally.

That night, poor JP has his date with Ashley, who is a washed-up mess after her day of drama. She proves this by acting insecure with him. Their date is a boring date at Ashley's house, and poor JP is forced to drink wine with her in their PJs. Ashley even comes out busted in her nighttime glasses...but JP proves he is as cute as he looks by laying a hot-ass kiss on her. He may have moved up in the rankings...big time...and he gets a rose. Ben C. should take a cue on how to kiss a woman.

At the rose ceremony...oh wait, there isn't one because Ashley is too spent to deal with it. So after Chris basically convinces her (without saying it) that Bentley is a douche, she makes her choices.

Roses go to:
1) Ben C.
2) Ryan P.
3) JP
4) Constantine
5) West
6) Mickey
7) Ben F.
8) Blake
9) Nick
10) Ames
11) Lucas
12) Wiliam

Adios to Mask..er...Jeff and Chris. Bet Mask is kicking himself now.

Awards:
1) DB: Bentley
2) Father of the Year: Bentley
3) Quote: "A dot dot dot is better than just a period." -Bentley
4) Frontrunner: JP, with William close behind (even though he has his tail between his legs).

Until next week,
Mike

Happy Memorial Day!

Happy Memorial Day! I hope you all nursed your veteran-earned hangovers nicely on your day off. I know I did! ("Bridesmaids"...go see it!) My liver is slowly expanding back to its pre-weekend functionality, although I'm imbibing a little vino to deal with this show at the moment. So here goes...

Episode two and we're already in Vegas? Travel budget is back, baby! I mean, it's just dirty Vegas, but this could mean good things for our worldly travels this season. So yay for that. Boo for dead family members :( But I'll get to that.

Tonight we have three dates: two one-on-ones; and one group date (and by group, I mean 12-on-one). Ouch. But first...BAM!



Yup, don't worry about it. One of my minions snapped this bad boy of Ben C. in New Orleans this weekend. What does this mean? Not sure, besides the fact that he has a rockin' bod and he's groping pool bodies over a holiday weekend without Ashley. Did he get the boot?

Back to the show, the first one-on-one goes to William, the cell phone salesman from Ohio. Ashley picks him up in her (ABC's) Maserati. Glad to see nothing's changed, what with contestants driving impossible-to-own cars and acting like it's normal. Continuing on the "nothing's changed" theme, the lovers are whisked away on a private jet to Vegas where the date starts off rather oddly. Like a cake tasting followed by choosing rings followed by a mock wedding in which William actually says "I do." Poor guy. It's like "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds," but she didn't lose him, and William played along. Luckily, the date turns around quickly as the lovers have a private dinner in the middle of the fountain lake at the Bellagio. Most of you are thinking, "Oh, how romantic!" I'm thinking, "What if he had to pee during dinner?" At dinner on the water, Ashley finds out about William's passed away alcoholic dad and the fact he didn't go to college. Clearly, I'm concerned about the lack of a degree, but she was unfazed. She was also touched by his honesty about his dad, which was made more poignant about the fact that he wears a watch eternally set to the time of Dad's death. But enough about that...William is certifiably cute and his dimples don't lie. She fully likes him and admits he's a frontrunner. Clearly he gets a rose. Go Midwest! But not if you're an Ohio State fan (an Ohio State fan with a crooked coach).

Date two is the dreaded 12-on-one. Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt and Ames head to Vegas and are immediately thrown in the fire. They meet Jabberwocky, the "nation's best dance troupe," and are split into two teams to compete for more time with Ashley and a chance to star in that night's performance. The teams--The Best Men and No Rhythm Nation--go head to head in poorly-self-choreographed dances. No Rhythm Nation win the competition and the Best Men are sent home. Nothing like an eight-hour trip to Vegas (although I'm sure there have been many shorter and more tragic trips in Vegas's illustrious history...I'm sure Britney's met and married someone there in fewer hours than it took these dudes to lose a dance contest). So the six winners get to stay a few more hours, and a few of the guys take advantage of the time. West tells her about his deceased wife, Bentley pretends that he likes her, and Blake ensures she knows that he's a Type A dentist. More on Bentley: is this guy the next (and worse) Wes? He just might be. Especially after he drops these gems: "I'd like her t*ts on my chest," and "She's not my type," and "Can we bag this and go play blackjack?" (after he got the rose!). He also essentially had her eating out of his hands and begging him to stay on the show even though he has a daughter. Eww...hated him. But yeah, he gets the rose. And he acts like this on camera with a daughter at home?

The next one-on-one is decided by a coin toss. Seeing as this show is full of platitudes, we had to play in a Vegas-themed date in...Vegas. On one side of the coin is Mickey, the pretty Chef from Ohio; on the other side is J.P. the construction guy from New York. Mickey wins the toss and heads to Vegas for a coin-filled date. Like every detail is decided by a coin toss, even the rose. Overall, the date was pretty uneventful. I think he might be secretly (or obviously) boring. But, again, he has a dead family member (Mom), so there was a touching moment in the date. The date ends with a private "beachside" concert by Colbie Caillat, he gets a rose (via coin toss) and it's over after a kiss.

At the rose ceremony, the boys are hungry for some attention. First off is J.P., who cutely tosses a coin to get a kiss, and he wins. He's actually cute and funny and maybe normal, so we like him. A few more highlights: The Masked Dude (do we even know his name?) almost takes off his mask before being interrupted; William annoys the other guys by gloating; and Bentley makes us hate him even more by making Ashley look stupid and just staying around to make out with her fully knowing he's not attracted to her and doesn't want to stay around, but will do so regardless, just for the sake of competition. I honestly feel bad for Ashley for what's coming, but you can't say she wasn't warned. I mean, who believes that a guy is a good guy after being blatantly told that he's on the show for the wrong reasons? In addition, how does the casting team sleep at night? And why do we watch this show?

So, roses go to:
1) William
2) Bentley
3) Mickey
4) West
5) Constantine
6) Ryan P.
7) Ben C. (see pool pic above)
8) Nick
9) Ames
10) Lucas
11) Jeff
12) J.P.
13) Chris
14) Ben F.
15) Blake

Byeee: Stephen; Matt; Ryan M. Too early in the season for us to care about you. Sorry.

Awards:
1) Best quote: "I'd like her t*ts on my chest." -Bently (the one with a daughter at home, in case you'd forgotten)
2) Villain: Bentley
3) Cute but Boring: Mickey
4) Most dead relatives: this season.
5) Frontrunner: William

Until next week,
Mike

And we're off

Lovers, Frenemies, Former Lovers and Friends,

And we're off. The Bachelorette Season 82 has begun, and it started with a bang. By bang, I mean Ashley's bangin' new bod, new hair, new nose, and new dance moves. Hit me baby one more time? Yes, please. Who knew four months off TV could do so much? In the day and age of The Biggest Loser, we all knew it was possible...but it's still fun to poke fun at Ashley's endless repertoire of midriffs and belly shirts. Amazing. She's definitely in the running for America's Hottest Dental Student. And she's running against no one.

But on to the meat. The 25 bachelors arrive one by one, but not before the montage of the eight guys who are bound to be contenders for the final rose: Ryan P.; JP; Ames; Ben C.; Ben F; Bentley; West; and William. Talk about a season of drama. Among these eight guys, we have two dead dads, a dead wife, two douche bags, a daughter named Cozy, and a wristwatch eternally set to the time of a dad's death. Awesome. Count me in! In addition, count me in for my first season blogged from my new home, Austin, TX. Don't worry...they still have wine here, so I'll be happily fueled. I'm also happily surrounded by some witty fools and our watching parties are in full swing! Yay for Texas (and wine)!

In Ashley's first sit down with Chris Harrison, she confesses that she hopes she doesn't let the guys down (even though she's no longer insecure). Sure Ashley, keep telling yourself that. Ashley also tells Chris that she was called the week prior to taping and told by an anonymous source (i.e. a friend of Bentley's ex-wife's) that Bentley is not on the show for the right reasons. Amazing. He's also the father of the previously-mentioned Cozy, so we're not sure if he's ever thinking coherently. But time will tell...and due to poor editing, it looks like we're in for an awful lot of time with Bentley on the show. Way to go, ABC.

But back to the arrival of the 25 dudes. Without mentioning all 25 dudes by name, I'll try to cover some highlights (and lowlights).
-Ryan P. arrives and he's cute.
-Mickey goes in for a kiss upon meeting Ashley, only to be fully rebuffed and embarrassed.
-Stephen, this year's gay, is a hair stylist. Unfortunately his hair speaks otherwise.
-West, one of this year's guys with a death in his past, gives her a compass eternally aimed west. Barf. (Dead wife.)
-Ben F. (Dead dad) Great arrival with a bottle of his own wine. He's a "wine maker." And also an online marketer. And also a student. And also Josh Groban's doppelganger. Dude's got a lot going on.
-Anthony, the epitome of a Jersey guido is just that. He's also a butcher. Even better.
-Matt, the paper salesman, will be hereafter known as "Dunder Mifflin." I love the word hereafter.
-Jeff is wearing a mask. Enough said.
-Mike is dressed like Pee Wee.
-Chris, complete with frosted tips and pinstripes, is from Canada and he's got an accent to match. Did someone forget to tell him his country isn't real?
-Nick, the Matthew McConaughey look-alike, is from Trampa. Because we always need a contender from Tampa.
-Blake is a dentist.

So after the boys are introduced, and Ashley changes her wet dress (after standing on the hosed-down driveway for three hours), we get to really meet the guys. Ben C. pulls a "Love Actually" and woos Ashely with cue cards and a foreign pedigree. William, while cute, wears a virtually iridescent shirt. He also has an alcoholic dead dad, so we'll pretend we're okay that he bought his shirt on the sale rack at TJ Maxx in Columbus, OH. Ashley tells JP she's always wanted to be called "Cupcake" (and we all vomit on cue). Bentley fully evades the blatant bait from Ashley giving him the opportunity to confess that he's there for the wrong reasons. Like anyone would...but still. And finally, Tim, the liquor distributor from Long Island, essentially blacks out after drinking all the liquor distributed at the event. Yikes...and the guy is 35. It's time to pull it together, buddy. So Ashley sends him home. Is he perhaps the drunkest contestant ever? Maybe. Was that also the worst snore dub in TV history? Yes.

The coveted First Impression Rose (FIR) goes to: Ryan P. We're unsurprised. He's cute, he's an entrepreneur, and he's Green (solar power), so he's very en vogue. He's like the equivalent of locally-raised, hormone-free, grass-fed beef. Everyone loves him, and they feel good about loving him. What's not to love?

So the 18 survivors of Night One are (18, really?!? Ugh...):
1) Ryan P.
2) Constantine
3) Jeff
4) Ben F.
5) Lucas
6) Stephen
7) Matt/Dunder Mifflin
8) Nick
9) Chris D.
10) Ryan M.
11) Blake
12) Mickey
13) Ben C.
14) West
15) Wiliam
16) JP
17) Ames (the ogre)
18) Bentley

Byeeeee: Tim (Drunky); Jon (This season's first tears! Really?? A cocktail for two hours and tears?!? In addition, let me remind you that you're a dude.); Chris; Mike; Ryan; Rob; Anthony

Tonight's Awards:
1) Best Job Title: William's. Cell Phone Salesman. Way to aim high.
2) Douchebag Alert: Ames. Your Ivy-League pedigree and ogre-like face are a recipe for douchebaggery. Can't wait!
3) Villain: Bentley. We're on to you. Even though you're hot.
4) Worst Dressed: Mike/Pee Wee. Just say no to grey suits with red ties.
5) Hottest: Ryan P.
6) Frontrunner: Ryan P., with JP closely on his tails.

Until next week,
Mike

Only Two Weeks Until Disaster: Iteration 82

I can't believe that in just over two weeks, I'll be bound to my couch each Monday evening in order to watch The Worst Show on Television just to please you, my loyal readers. But I will do just that, for you. And because I'm famous.

So stay tuned. Show starts May 23. Get ready for drama.

Bromack update: I've only seen him once since arriving to Austin. I can't wait to meet him and have him want to punch me. Awesome.

Move over Bromack, there's a new blond in town

Friends, lovers and fanatical fans,

If you haven't seen the cover of New York to Austin Monthly you're a little late to the party. Why? Because this Bachelor blogger is moving to Texas. (Cue jaw-dropping screams, coffee-spilling gesticulations, and guttural-sounding guffaws heard 'round the world.) So move over Brad Womack, because I'm about to live two streets away from you and your soon-to-be-failed relationship.

Be scared. Be very scared. Why? Because I'm famous.

While my sunny, Yankee disposition and cunning smile may fool you, I'm taking notes in the unlimited paper trail that is my head. I'll see you in your bars, on the street, on the running and trail and in the gym. So much as even try to kiss me another girl, and, well, let's just say this blog has more than 82 readers.

Looking forward to a boot-scootin' good time, Bromack :)

Until next season,

Mike

And the next Bachelorette is...

...Ashley H. It was revealed on Jimmy Kimmel last night. Surprise! Kidding. Obviously it would be her.

She graduates from U. Penn Dental School in May, and the show premieres May 23. While I'm confused about how one can simultaneously film and star in the Worst Show on Television and graduate with a 3.96 GPA from dental school, I've chosen not to worry about it.

Get ready for 12 episodes of tears. And I predict at least one practice dental exam date.

A Night of Foregone Conclusions

Ladies and Gent,

Before I tuned in, I made sure I had plenty to drink. I hope you did as well, because wasting two hours of my life waiting for the inevitable was stupid. But awesome, because this is the Best Show on Television (if "best" means "worst," of course).

The finale finds us in beautiful Cape Town, South Africa: land of beauty, of wine, of waves, of wind...and a lovely history of apartheid. Before we get to the final decision, Brad's family arrives: Mom, twin brother Chad and wife Dylan, and younger brother Wes and wife Prima (that's really her name, I swear). Wait, haven't we been here before? Didn't this family arrive to the final episode a few years back? Oh yeah, remember that time Bromack left both women empty handed? Awesome.

As his family arrives, Brad weeps amidst the straightest, back-slapping hugs I've ever witnessed on TV. Did you see those hugs between Brad and his brothers? Good lord, my back hurt just watching! Must be the Texas blood, right? Also, are we concerned that Brad's twin brother Chad (yes, seriously they're Brad and Chad) is cuter than him? Yes, because he is. And then there's the way-less-cute Wes, and things are thrown into perspective very quickly. Poor little brother.

The first chick the family meets is Chantal. They clearly love her: she's bubbly, fun, full of laughs, etc. It goes well. Unfortunately she's put on 15 pounds this season. Nothing like the Bachelor 15. It's like the Freshman 15, but on reality TV.

Next up is Emily. She's shy, demure, blond, and skinnier. Throw in the horrifyingly sad story of her dead husband, and the family clearly likes her more. It's slightly amazing because the family never gives it away this obviously. But this season they do because Brad is new, he's reformed, and he's totally full of original thoughts. Kidding about that last part. Why? Because Brad drops this bomb: "I am one happy dude." Wow. Totally profound.

Next is the last date portion of the evening. First up is Chantal. They swim with Great White Sharks, because that's normal. Chantal's cleavage is also in FULL EFFECT in her wetsuit, and it's insane. Later, Chantal gives Brad a special present and gives him a hand-written note saying "I choose you." Well...unfortunately the reformed Brad is an open book and we think otherwise. (Cue the nervous tick and head-scratching antics.)

Emily's last date is next. They take a helicopter to the windiest place on earth: The Cape of Good Hope. Emily has a bit of a flying skirt issue, and it's cute. She doesn't fully bear the beav, but it's close. They share some windy banter on the Cape, and head back for their final night. In Emily's room, Brad tells Emily that he's ready to be her everything, including Ricki's father. Emily responds saying, "It's not always fun," and she basically tells him that for the next hour. Um, this girl is tough. Brad, sweaty and defeated, heads home scared off and completely bummed. Is ABC throwing us a pump fake? Because I will cut someone.

Next Brad picks out a ring with Neil Lane, who clearly paid millions to have his rings and his brand name placed all over this trashy series. Who is this man?

After Brad picks out the bling, Chantal is the first to arrive to the winery...to be dumped. Thank GOD. I mean, I love me some Chantal. She's cute, she's fun, and her Mom is pure plastic. But Brad was not in love with her, and if ABC edited this mess and fooled us by this ending up with them engaged, I would have blogged the following: "Ladies and Gent, I am done." But luckily, I was forced to write this multi-paragraphed mess.

Emily arrives next, and gets the ring she hoped for. Without getting too into it, Brad's words for Emily were pretty damn amazing, despite the fact we know he couldn't come up with those original words on his own. In typical fashion, Emily lacked the requisite emotion that I would expect of a gorgeous couple getting engaged on a mountainside winery. But they end up engaged, and tonight's foregone conclusion is complete! Thank goodness!

So...82 weeks later, Season 82 is over. Brad 2.0 has a fiancee and we love her.

Best of luck to Brad and Emily. We know it won't work.

And as a reminder, we still hate this show.

Love,

Mike

P.S. Worst "After the Final Rose" ever! I mean, Emily's dye job is better than ever, but there are some issues between these two. OUCH. Um...two weeks until a break up?

The B*tches Tell All

Ladies and...ladies (let's be honest),

This is some important stuff. The episode of tears, of confession, of makeovers and of what could have been: it's The B*tches Tell All, and the ladies (and Brad) are back! It's also the episode I don't like to blog...but I'm here...watching...drinking...and trying to keep my comments to a minimum. But let me begin with this: I was in Austin, TX last week and I was within blocks of Brad for a hot two days. I think he loved it. What was less than awesome was sharing my thoughts on the show with super cool chick who then confessed she was friends with Brad. Awesome. Foot. Mouth. Delicious.

1) Chris Harrison's hair is spicy.

2) The Bachelor Pad 2 teaser is raunchy and amazing. Is it bad that I didn't recognize half of the people. Jillian's season? Oh wait...was she the Canadian one? No wonder I don't remember. Canada doesn't exist.

3) Raichel vs. Melissa. Again...who? And why does Raichel spell her name that way?

4) Michelle. Oh yes, this episode quickly turned into The Crucifixion of Michelle, and I loved it. Her fake tears were amazing...except they weren't even fake...they never even materialized. But Michelle is a gifted actress and good at simulating sobbing minus the tears. She is also gifted at using her poorly-named daughter as an excuse for everything. This poor child is going to grow up with some major issues. She'll also probably date a Mormon seeing as she lives in Salt Lake. Yikes...even more issues.

5) What is it with Jackie and Stacey being so vocal tonight? Like crazy-town status! These b*tches are really telling all.

6) Ashley H. Looking good as a natural brunette with bangs. She is also clearly in the dental industry as her teeth were luminescent.

7) Brad. Does anyone wonder who is responsible for Brad's stubble maintenance? It must be a full-time job. Should I apply?

8) The Idol Gives Back portion of helping the South African school was amazing...oh wait...this is The Bachelor...not Idol. And it also wasn't amazing.

9) In case you have forgotten that Brad is straight, he reminds us 82 times with multiple uses of "man," "bro," and "buddy." So, if you were wondering, bro, if Brad was, like, into girls man, he's like totally into them, buddy.

10) How much fun is it watching the three guys in the studio audience who are completely humiliated that they're there. Two were dragged by their wives, and the one gay was dragged by his girls. It's amazing.

11) Brad is totally in love with Emily, in case you were wondering. He told me last week in Austin.

Until next week's finale!

Mike

To Bone or Not To Bone

It's the night we've all been waiting for. Not only do we get to travel to South Africa, we get to see whether or not Brad and the three remaining ladies consummate their love. Welcome to "To Bone or Not To Bone," the once sordid (remember the Andrew Firestone days of heavy breathing and moans from behind closed doors? those were the days), now very tame episode in which the Bachelor gets a chance for some coveted alone (boning) time.

The first date is with Chantal, who is unfortunately looking a bit chunky in her jorts. The lovers go on a safari. Brad very eloquently describes a special moment near the beginning by saying, "I'm sitting here looking at the South African bush." Enough said. After their safari, they enjoy some bites and Chantal gets all selfless and says she wants to put Brad first in her life. Honey, just because your mom married a sugar daddy and doesn't retain her own personality (and spends her days and money on plastic surgery) doesn't mean you have to do the same. And I'm pretty sure Brad's not a sugar daddy, so your fate is sealed. Later, at dinner, Brad tells Chantal that he is the most comfortable around her compared to the other girls. Bold step. The Fantasy Date Card is well-received, just as I'm sure his manhood was well-received in the Fantasy Suite (in this case an outdoor treehouse). To Bone or Not To Bone? I vote Bone. Under the moonlight, no less!

Next is the only date Brad really cares about: Emily. She shows up looking hot in her white shorts and cowboy boots and they ride an elephant around the countryside. Yes, you read that correctly. Afterwards, they watch elephants romping and playing in the water and talk about Emily's five-year-old daughter, Ricky. Is Brad sure he's ready for a five-year-old? He thinks so. Then they make out to an overly-underscored montage of music, kissing and elephants. It was a bit too dramatic for me. Later, at dinner, Emily comes prepared to share her feelings. What I love most is how obviously enamored Brad is with her. He's so nervous, he can barely look her in the eyes! It's kind of cute, actually. When presented with the Fantasy Date Card, Emily pulls a pump fake: she plays the part of the concerned mother trying to set a good example for her daughter by saying just that. But she totally accepts the invite and they head to the Fantasy Suite for some alone time. There she confesses that she's falling in love with Brad, and in the surprise of the night, Brad fully tells her he's falling in love with her too. Wait, is Brad winning us over? I mean he's still a brainless buffoon unable to audibly form a profound thought, but is he capable of honesty and love? Which leaves us with this question: To Bone or Not To Bone? In this case, I vote Not To Bone. But there was definitely some under-the-shirt action once the cameras went to bed.

Lastly is the date with Ashley, who is wearing some very short jorts. She's also wearing an inability to express herself or to successfully answer Brad's questions about whether she has room in her life for him; but more on that in a minute. First off, after a minor freak out by Ashley, they fly via helicopter to "God's Window" (some canyon-like vista which is, yes, pretty). Brad, ripe with blue balls after last night's date, starts questioning Ashley's hopes for her future (where she wants to live, etc.). She successfully doesn't mention anything about Austin or Brad, which leads to some confusion on his part. They do have fun, but we quickly realize these kids cannot communicate. Later, at dinner, they jump right back in to deep conversation. (Brad is looking super cute in his plaid shirt, by the way.) Brad and Ashley, at once, possess the most rapport and ability to talk easily and naturally of all the couples. But we quickly realize the words that are so easily shared are also misconstrued. No point gets across and Brad and Ashley's moods quickly head south. Cue the Debbie Downer "wah wah." Later, at the Fantasy Suite, Ashley puts it perfectly: "We're off our game." No kidding. I actually felt bad for them here because you can tell that they both like each other, they want to progress together, but they simply can't get their points across. Brad needs to hear that she has room for him in her life; she wants to tell him just that. But it just didn't happen. As Ashely put it later, their words were "lost in translation." Spot on, sister. To Bone or Not To Bone? I vote a very emphatic Not To Bone. Then again, there could have been a Hate Bone.

So after the dryest To Bone or Not To Bone week in history, Brad is left utterly confused (and probably horny). And the shirtless scene confirmed that he's also left with less of a six-pack than he had at the beginning of the season. Boo. He should probably buy the workout DVD in which I starred. Just saying.

The ladies arrive to the rose ceremony only to have Brad ask to speak to Ashley privately. She knows what's coming, you can just tell. Brad puts it right out there: "I don't know if I fit into your life," to which Ashley doesn't have an answer. If I were her, this is where I would have told him that he does. But it's too late, and Brad says he has to tell her goodbye. In what is perhaps one of the most dignified exits ever, a broken-hearted Ashley says goodbye and drives off in the South African abyss. It's all about timing. Best of luck being a dentist. And sorry you didn't get accepted to medical school.

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad asks Chantal and Emily to accept his roses because love is a two-way street. They both accept.

So there you have it. Our final two are:

1) Chantal

2) Emily

This is Emily's proposal to lose; so we'll see in two weeks what happens!

Awards:

1) Frontrunner: Emily

2) Quote: "I'm sitting here looking at the...bush." -Brad

3) Biggest mistake: Chantal packing on the Bachelor 15 since the beginning of the season. This isn't a freshman dorm, honey. It's national TV.

Until next week (I usually don't blog the Bitches Tell All, but we'll see how much wine I have next week),

Mike

Hometown heroes

First off, how about the redesign of your favorite blog? In honor of Fashion Week, I gave The Bachelor Update a new look...a very on-trend 70s throwback vintage photo background with a clean white design. Good, no? As Heidi says, one week you are in, the next you are out. I have a feeling I'll be in, but let me know.

As your eyes ease into the new look, please allow your cold hearts to ease into four hometown dates--unfortunately possibly the most boring "Meet the Families" episode ever. Where were the gun-toting, threat-wielding dads? And the drunk, inappropriate moms? Sure, we had our share of taut-faced MILFs and families reeking of new money (Chantal's), but there was very little drama. I'll try to create some on my own.

We fly west first. In Seattle, we meet Chantal and her rich family. We quickly learn that Chantal lives four streets away from her family in a nice little house that was clearly financed by her parents because Chantal is an Executive Assistant. She also has two cats (barf) and a "dog" that weighs two pounds and wears a sweater. After hanging at Chantal's pad for a beer, Bromack and Chantal head to her parents' McMansion where we meet her personality-free father (who is wearing an awful purple shirt), and her mother who cannot emote due to too much plastic surgery. We also met her brother, but he didn't get a word on camera the whole date, so who cares. I was really hoping the mom would make a move on Brad, but no go. Was I the only one surprised to see a Texas-style bimbo MILF in Seattle? Are there women like that there? Is it okay to be skinnier than your daughter in the land of Birkenstocks? Overall, the date was a success and it ended with Chantal's dad offering up their blessing without Brad even asking. Hmm...I give this date a B. Good, but not great.

Next we travel WAY east to Madawaska, Maine. Yup, you're right in thinking that you've never heard of it. Apparently it's the Northeastern-most city in the 48 contiguous States. Fun fact! It's also essentially Canadian, so we all know how I feel about that: it's borderline (literally) nonexistent. But what the city lacks in, well, everything, it made up for in the best hometown date of the night. Ashley meets Brad first at the restaurant at which she was a waitress back in the day where they share a plate of poutine, which is a Canadian (what?!) delicacy of fries smothered in cheese and gravy. Awesome. Brad thanks the waitress by saying "si" instead of "oui," but we forgive him because he's stupid and he looks cute in his henley (present in three of four dates tonight). Nice job, stylists. At home, Ashley's family is overzealous but cute, and the date is a hit. Anyone notice the sister's tats? Way to represent, Madawaska! This date gets a solid A.

Next we head back west to Chico, California. Nothing says romance like a mausoleum and crematory, and that's where this date begins. Shawntel, a funeral director, shows Brad the ropes of death, and Brad is none-too-impressed. In fact, he's horrified and his face is a dead giveaway. My favorite part? Brad lying on the prep table where Shawntel would normally embalm the deceased after which Shawntel says about Brad: "If you can come in my funeral home and lay on a prep table...I've never had that before." Really? You mean it's not normal for your dates to accompany you to Death Central while you walk them through the ins and outs of replacing blood with chemicals? I did enjoy seeing the real life "Six Feet Under" though. It was like the show, only hotter and in a miniskirt! After Death 101, we had to Shawntel's house where we meet Mom, Dad, and her two sisters, Destiny and Vanessa. Yes, you read that correctly. The date was okay, but after a morning at the crematory followed by an afternoon during which Brad realized her dad was depending on her to take over the family business and NEVER leave Chico, this wasn't the best date. I'd rate it a C+/B-.

Lastly we head to Charlotte, North Cackalacky where we meet Emily and her daughter Ricky. Is it just me, or does everyone think of The Ballad of Ricky Bobby every time her name is mentioned? Awesome. As expected, Ricky is super shy and silent upon meeting Brad; but Emily has never seemed more comfortable. Brad gives Ricky a kite to warm her up, and eventually he gets the little nugget out of her shell. Later, they head to Emily's (very nice and totally Southern) red brick colonial with plantation shutters to have a simple dinner and a night in. Brad is 100% in love with Emily and he reverts to a 12-year-old by making it completely obvious. He is so hung up on respecting her daughter and the fact that Emily is a mom that he says he is not going to kiss her because Ricky is asleep upstairs. Emily, not one to ever say anything forward or express an opinion, essentially says, "Thanks, but kiss me anyway," and asks for some loving. Brad, the lovestruck goof, doesn't go for it and tries to see himself out. But before he can awkwardly exit, Emily kisses him on the doorstep and it's cute. Overall date: A-. Yes, he totally loves her. And kudos to Emily for taking some initiative.

So after four uneventful hometown dates, we head back to New York to drop one of these bimbos.

Roses go to:

1) Ashley

2) Emily

3) Chantal

Which means all the talk of burning bodies, embalming and consoling families through death didn't so much resonate with Brad. So we bid adieu to Shawntel and wish her the best. She was cute, actually. So best of luck to her. Just a piece of advice: don't put your next date on the prep table. I think people only need to be there once in life, and that's after death. Basically we don't ever need to be there alive. Thanks.

Awards:

1) Next Botox spokesperson: Chantal's mom

2) Best hometown date/family visit: Ashley

3) Frontrunner: Emily

Until next week,

Mike

Happy Valentine's Day, Crazy! And goodbye.

Lovers, friends, and fellow film stars,

Again, I apologize for the delay in posting this all-important review of the Best Show on Television. While you were snuggling with your lovebugs on the most romantic day of the year watching this historic moment in television history, I was flying back from a shoot in LA enjoying a dinner of pretzels and ginger ale while watching amazing movies like the blockbuster "Life As We Know It" starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel. What? You were in a film shoot, you ask? Why yes, I was. No big deal. I'm famous, remember?

Before I get to the recap, I want to let you know that I realized two things this episode: 1) I want to go to Anguilla; and 2) this show is dumb and I'm thinking my time was better spent on Delta Airlines pondering Josh Duhamel's hotness.

This episode, the six remaining ladies join Bromack on the lovely Caribbean island of Anguilla for three one-on-one dates and one group date (from hell). The one-on-one dates will not have roses, however.

The first date goes to the only girl he is truly falling for: Emily. The lovers take a helicopter (official helicopter count is now at 8, I believe) to a private island where Emily reinforces the fact that she is pretty and sweet and lovely, but I still question her ability to have original thoughts and/or opinions. A Southern princess, indeed! While Emily intimidates Brad with her eternal wisdom and deep thoughts, Brad becomes legitimately nervous around her as he confesses his feelings for her. This is the beginning of the "Breaking the Rules" theme of the evening. He then continues to break the rules at dinner where he assures Emily that, although he can't give her a rose on their date, he plans to give her a rose at the rose ceremony. Okay, Brad's therapy is paying off. He's actually honest with the girls this season! He also presses the issue with Emily's daughter saying he'd love to meet her: "It would be huge to me if you'd allow me." Wow, Brad. Beautifully said, as always. But I'll give Emily some credit here. She's no floozy like Michelle, whose daughter has probably met each and every gentleman caller Michelle has ever entertained. Emily is hesitant to introduce her daughter to men, and it's understandable. All in all, the date goes well and Emily is solidifying herself as a genuine contender for Brad's boring heart.

The next date goes to Shawntel N. They enjoy a day on the streets of Anguilla, taking in the sights and sounds of the market, a picnic with some goats (what?!?), and a lovely dinner on the water. Brad is admittedly looking for some clarity on this date to see if they've got a genuine connection. Shawntel comes out with the fact that she's falling in love with him, and things go well. The dinner ends with a concert by Bankie Banks, who Brad aptly describes as "possibly the most famous singer in Anguilla." I literally choked on my coffee at that little gem. As if there is a huge pool of famous singers in Anguilla with which Bankie is competing. Amazing. The date ends with a strip-down and a midnight swim in the ocean where we realize both Brad and Shawntel have gaudy tramp stamps on their backs. Aww, so sweet.

The final one-on-one date is the long-awaited date between Britt and Brad. Wait, who is Britt? Have we met her before? Poor thing. I didn't even know what she did for a living. Apparently she is a food writer...a food writer with a pretty hot bod, if I don't mind saying so myself. I'm convinced she doesn't ingest the food she critiques. She's a spitter, people. But back to the date. Britt and Brad have a lovely day on a yacht, classily named "El Jefe," which is "The Boss" to you gringos. After the lovers do some cliff jumping and swimming in the turquoise waters, they chat on the beach. Britt confesses that she is not good at showing affection, which is great for Brad to hear since he's now an expert at all things relationships. At that point, her fate is essentially sealed. They enjoy a nice dinner on the yacht deck filled with small talk, and Brad cuts right to the chase by breaking more rules: he says he doesn't have a romantic connection with her and doesn't see it going anywhere. Okay, fine. I see that they don't have the connection he's seeking. But Brad has also spent next to zero time with her and I think he's jumping the gun a bit. It's a bit too soon for me, but Brad lets her go and she speeds off in a zodiac, while Brad stays on El Jefe.

The group date begins at 2 a.m. (yes, you read that correctly) when Brad wakes up Ashley, Chantal and Michelle for their Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photo sunrise photo shoot, on newsstands today! How's that for a coincidence! As the photo shoot commences a few hours later, the editor calls out the quote of the episode: "How do you feel about taking your top off?" Um...best quote ever. Ashley and Chantal, the two I would have predicted to be the least apt to drop top dive right it. Ashley is cute and playful as she is photographed, and Chantal quickly transforms from self-conscious and body-hating to a sultry seductress as she makes mad passionate love to the sand. But while these girls got crazy with seashells and sand, Michelle chooses Brad as the object of her affection. In typical Crazypants fashion, Michelle gets overly aggressive and does the shoot while straddling Brad and making out with him. I won't humor Michelle with much, but she is simply gross. As are her vein-filled solid volleyball boobs. Is that what a Salt Lake City boob job looks like?

Needless to say, Michelle's seduction of Brad starts the "hell" portion of the date off with a (almost literal) bang. Ashley questions her connection with Brad, Chantal begins crying for five hours, and Brad accuses Michelle of being a "volatile woman." Um, you think? At the end of the date, Brad gives the rose to Ashley, at which point he is greeted with a death stare from Crazy and more tears from Chantal. Talk about awkward!

At the rose ceremony, Brad keeps breaking the rules. He tells Chris Harrison that he has no need for a cocktail party before he hands out the roses since his mind is made up. Could he finally be coming to his senses?? So, off to the rose ceremony we go.

Roses go to:

1) Ashley

2) Emily

3) Shawntel

4) Chantal

Which means we say goodbye to Britt and Michelle/Crazy! Brad has a brain after all! Michelle's dismissal is perhaps the most awkward yet. She doesn't say a word to Brad as he escorts her out, and she drives away in complete silence as she lays down on the back seat of the limo and ponders her life and its many mistakes (bad boob job and general craziness included).

Awards:

1) Best quote: "How do you feel about taking your top off?" - SI Editor

2) Fakest ta-tas: Michelle's

3) Frontrunner: Emily

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. Has anyone else noticed that Brad's six pack may be fading? I'm nervous he's gotten weighed down by Crazy. Luckily she's gone now, so go take a jog, Bromack. And do some upkeep on your core. No one likes you. They only like your rockin' bod.

P.P.S. If you know me, you know that I strongly believe Canada is a mythical place to the North that...well...doesn't exist and is simply too bizarre and cold to comprehend. As an anti-Canadian, I would be remiss not to mention perhaps the best anti-Canadian spoof in recent history (although it has nothing to do with The Bachelor). I would like to thank 30 Rock for furthering my beliefs that Canada equates to craziness. Here's a few snippets from this week's episode.

-"We can't go to the hospital, this is Canada. If she's born here...good God...she'll be Canadian!"

-"In your opinion, what is so bad about being Canadian?" To which Jack and wife respond, "Your milk comes in bags. BAGS! Your pavilion in Epcot doesn't even have a ride!"

-"How far is the border?" "I don't know. When I asked the lady at the desk, she told me in kilometers!"

-"Aren't you in Canada?" "Yes, my daughter is Canadian-American, but I'm going to treat her just like a human baby."

Thank you, 30 Rock, for validating the truth-slash-conspiracy that is Canada.

Costa Rican Craziness

This episode we fly from Sin City to Costa Rica, the idyllic Central American paradise of black sands and black souls (Michelle's) so we can use the backdrop of the jungle to fall more in love with Brad and his tufted blond cowlick. I would say this is also the episode in which we realize that Michelle is legitimately batsh*t Crazy, but that happens every episode and I'm beginning to think that each time she's on screen is another episode of Groundhog's Day. Before I get into the episode, though, does anyone else notice how there is all this footage of the girls driving through Costa Rica en route to the resort in some bus, but then they arrive in a silver Mercedes SUV? Hilarious. ABC, either rent the SUV or don't, but don't pretend like you're not saving money by piling these girls into a busted-ass bus and then switching out cars at the entrance to the resort.

As always, we have three dates: two one-on-one dates and one group date. The first one-on-one date goes to Chantal. Of course the date can't begin without a Michelle freak out during which she confesses that she hopes Chantal gets attacked by apes or monkeys. You know, because that's normal.

The date begins by Brad picking up Chantal in a--surprise!--helicopter. Real original, Brad. On this date, Brad hopes that he and Chantal can get back to their "old ways." Wait, what old ways? From the 20 minutes they've spent together this season so far? I'm confused. Anyways, they fly to the jungle and have a zip line adventure on the world's longest zip line. Not going to lie: I fully want to do this. Just not with a brainless loser like Brad. Afterwards the lovers share a romantic nighttime picnic by the river. Until the rain starts two minutes later and they relocate to Brad's hotel room. What? Is this a little soon? Is it also a little soon that Chantal changes out of her wet clothes and puts on Brad's white dress shirt? Maybe. But Brad loves it and he's totally turned on. Needless to say, they make out. Brad asks Chantal not to play games (after her emotions last episode) and they fall for each other. I actually think Brad likes her because he eventually says, "This could happen every night." I'm sure he's less focused on the kissing and more focused on the lead-up to the inevitable bone, but it's cute regardless. Chantal gets a rose.

The group date finds Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel and Britt rappelling down a waterfall. Of course, Michelle pitches a fit because she's pissed that Brad clearly isn't holding up his end of their "pact" not to rappel without each other again. Oh boo hoo, Michelle. Go take a Xanax and relax, you freak show. The girls rappel down one by one, leaving Michelle for last. Before they make the leap, Michelle takes the opportunity to hit Brad a few times and to make it very evident she's pissed. Brad, wasting no time, pretends like he saved Michelle for last so that he wouldn't reneg on their pact. Meanwhile, Michelle is "100% confident" she'll get the rose. Oh really, Mary?

Later that evening, the group date continues back at the resort in the hot springs hot tub. Surprise! (I hope everyone noticed that Part 2 of every date in this episode was back at the resort. Apparently the Costa Rican jungle doesn't have much to offer in terms of nighttime date venues.) Staying completely in character, Michelle classes it up by saying that "Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and *#%k him." Wow. Classy, Michelle. You are pure class. Emily then confides in Brad that she finds that liking him is scary and that she's worried she'll sabotage their developing love like she has in relationships past. Brad gets a little nervous about that. But then Michelle/Cray Cray arrives to tell Brad that she's pissed that Chantal got a rose on their date, to which Brad responds that she is pissed at him for "nothing." Um, yes, that is what Crazy people do. They cause needless drama simply for drama's sake. At the end of the date, Brad decides not to hand out a rose because he is not confident. Cue Michelle Freak Out Part 82.

The last date is the long-awaited one-on-one with Alli. The date, titled "Meet Me at the Altar," leaves us guessing as to what that implies. Brad arrives on horseback and Alli and Brad saunter off to a cave, through which they meander their way to the "altar" which is this naturally-formed stairway/waterfall thing. Alli had a couple freak outs because of her crippling fear of bugs (and bats), but Brad comforts her and they relax on the altar. Later that night (back at the resort, duh), they share an awkward small-talk-filled dinner on some sort of sinking island in the pool. Yeah, you read that correctly. I must admit, I had high hopes for Alli. She seems normal, cute, and fun; but her personality didn't shine through and they had zero chemistry beyond that of a friendship. So Brad ultimately decides not to give her a rose and she leaves in tears. Kudos to Brad for calling it like it is, though.

After the date, Brad heads home and admits he's is emotionally spent. He needs time to clear his head and relax. But wait! Crazy arrives to his hotel room shortly thereafter and accosts him about his decisions. Red flag (number 82) much? Michelle talks to Brad on his couch and essentially offers up her opinions on everything: Chantal is not for you; I am pissed at you; this is your decision, but here's my opinion; the girls will go home in the following order...and so on. I love how Michelle repeatedly says, "It's up to you," but then immediately launches into her diatribe on what should happen. "But yeah, Brad, it's totally up to you. This is what I think should happen and here's my opinion. But it's totally up to you. But I think you should do this. And everyone sucks but me. But it's your decision." Awesome Michelle. You're totally not Crazy, I promise. At the end of this attack, I actually think Brad is realizing that there is a hint of Crazy behind her (not so) pretty face. But I'm still concerned that he's under her spell in some way.

At the rose ceremony, Brad arrives looking emotionally exhausted. Nice girls like Emily open up more to Brad. Emily tells Brad she's feeling vulnerable, but apologizes for telling him of her knack of sabotaging relationships. Brad and Emily clearly have chemistry, and he's relieved to hear that she won't ruin what they have. Shawntel relaxes him by playing the silent game (what?) and ultimately making out with him. Chantal confesses that she's falling in love with him (again, WHAT?!?!). Isn't this a bit too soon, Chantal? After like one date? But Brad oddly loves it and it makes him feel better. I guess she has nothing to gain by her confession since she already has a rose, but still. And then, Cray Cray arrives. Brad comes out by saying that she is scaring him with her antics of causing drama and telling him what to do. Michelle, a skilled Crazy Person, quickly turns the tables and twists the truth by saying that Brad asked her for her opinions. Um, no, he didn't. And we all hate you.

Roses go to:

1) Chantal

2) Ashley

3) Emily

4) Britt (Surprise of the night! This girl has gotten NO face time yet.)

5) Shawntel

6) Michelle (Cue the collective barf in the toilet.)

Goodbye to: Alli and Jackie.

Tonight's awards:

1) Villain/Crazy/Liar/We Hate You: Michelle

2) Quote (tie): A) "I don't know if I'm crazy." - Michelle. Um, yes you do. B) "I obviously didn't grow up in a jungle." - Emily. North Carolina doesn't count?

3) Frontrunner: Chantal, with Emily trailing just behind. Or vice versa.

Until next week,

Mike