http://www.usmagazine.com/news/bachelorette-winner-deanna-papas-calls-off-engagement
DeAnna and Jesse? DONE.
I believe the win-loss record now officially stands at 1-82.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Jason is back!
My prediction comes true.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20080820/en_tv_eo/24922
Our spurned Jason will be back in January 09...he's the new bachelor!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20080820/en_tv_eo/24922
Our spurned Jason will be back in January 09...he's the new bachelor!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Vomit
http://www.deannaandjesse.com/
Are you kidding? They launched their own website to chronicle their lives. Barf.
Are you kidding? They launched their own website to chronicle their lives. Barf.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
The Finale
It’s do or die time in Bachelorette-land as DeAnna is down to the final two. Which “J” will she choose? Mr. Perfect or Mr. Could Maybe One Day Be Perfect But He’s Still a Child? Only time will tell. And time we had…good lord ABC devoted it’s entire primetime 8-11 p.m. programming slot to this mess. Luckily I stayed awake for all of it, and I’m here to report on the results of this season’s destined-to-fail love connection (I awoke yesterday at 3:20 a.m. EST in order to catch my private jet back to Manhattan after a fun-and-sun-filled weekend at my family’s private estate on the blue waters of Michigan). Reminder: I’m famous.
The marathon episode began in the outskirts of Atlanta with the remaining boys visiting DeAnna and her family in their hometown of Newnan (since when is a town 50 miles outside of Atlanta actually “Atlanta”?? According to Google Maps, it’s closer to the damn Alabama border than it is to Atlanta!). Jason is first to arrive to DeAnna’s “lovely” little home where he showers them with flowers, gifts, and his requisite charm and adorableness. He’s definitely a bit overzealous in his efforts to convince them that he’s for real, but we love him anyway. Who could resist that face? That body? That stubble? Clearly I cannot, and I’m arranging a meet-and-greet for the two of us in the very near future, thankyouverymuch. Jason asks Mr. Pappas for his daughter’s hand in marriage, like any good boy should, and Daddy is flattered and enamored with Jason. They all are. Well, except for her brother, who doesn’t seem so good with the words. His “I liked him” wasn’t very convincing. But on to the next man.
Jesse, nervous and jittery, arrives next. The family really puts it to him with the hard questions. So you’re a snowboarder? Great. How will you provide for DeAnna? What are your plans? How much money do you really make? ABC didn’t really show us much, though, between Jesse and the Pappas family. We’re left to wonder how the meeting really went. Great editing, ABC.
After the first dates, Daddy Pappas is convinced Jason is more heartfelt and he wonders if Jesse is in the same place as DeAnna.
Next, the two boys get to meet the Big Fat Extended Greek Family at Dad’s house. Jesse arrives first, only to be immediately interrupted by Jason’s arrival. Wait…amazing. The two guys have to spend the day with the entire family and DeAnna together! Totally loving the awkwardness of it all. Jason charms them all with his above-mentioned qualities, and Jesse “nugs” (fist punches, like snowboarders do) the family. He teaches Grandma and Grandpa (Zsa Zsa and Zu Zu??) how to nug, and it’s a bit odd. Jesse finds some time to ask Mr. Pappas for DeAnna’s hand in marriage (you know the directors put him up to it!), and he obliges. Then everyone does shots of Ouzo and the boys go home.
The family reiterates their feelings: is Jesse ready? But, sister-in-law brings up a good point as well: is Jason too settled? Will DeAnna “fast-forward” her life if she chooses Jason? Only time will tell. And we had a whole hour left to find out.
Back in the Bahamas, DeAnna prepares herself to meet with the scorned Jeremy, who is an emotional basketcase. He comes back looking for answers, trying to explain himself, and, well, gets nowhere. DeAnna breaks down and tells him that he’s everything she was looking for (not fair), but she’s in love with other people. Then she sends him packing. Goodbye Jeremy, forever. Call me.
DeAnna soon gets back to reality (if by “reality” you mean a fake life planned and styled by ABC designed to feign romance and love in what will inevitably be a failed relationship) and has her final dates with the two suitors. Jesse is first this time, and the two fly on a seaplane to a deserted island where they frolick and make out in the ocean, an activity I would like to hereafter coin as “sea-boning.” After the sea-boning, the lovers go back for their last romantic night together during which Jesse gives her a cute book of thoughts and tells her he loves her. Really? I’m not convinced. If he had to choose between his rad snowboard and DeAnna, I’m thinking he’d go with the board.
Jason is up next, and he excitedly accompanies her on a scuba diving trip. DeAnna tells him they’ll be scuba diving with sharks, and Jason responds to the camera with what was my favorite quote of the night: “Sharks and people aren’t supposed to hang out together.” Regardless, Jason enthusiastically dives with DeAnna and shows his adventurous side—something DeAnna needed to see in order to convince them that he really is the one. He did, and he is. We love Jason. DeAnna definitely seems more comfortable with him on their date. At night, Jason gives her a homemade board game of their relationship. It’s really cute. I would die if someone did that for me (future husband, are you listening?). He tells her he loves her, they make out, they say goodbye.
Okay, disclaimer. I am now officially in love with Jason. Like 100% want him right now. Readers, seriously. Set me up with him or his clone. He is my type to a “T.” Except for the straight, formerly-married, single father part…but whatever.
Next we get the morning-of-the-rose-ceremony montage of the three waking up, contemplating their futures (men are shirtless of course), strolling on the beach while deep in thought, et cetera. Blah blah blah.
The guys then pick out rings. Jason confidently chooses one (which I thought was ugly, sadly). Jesse, however, freaks out and nearly keels over and barfs prior to choosing a ring. Is it love? Ehh…I err on the side of fear. But whatever. The men each cry before the rose ceremony because they’re so in love, and then it’s time.
DeAnna arrives looking pretty cute, if I must say. My favorite was her arrival and stroll to the rose altar (it’s an altar of sorts, right?) while being whipped by the wind. ABC conveniently edited her lower portion out during the walk, as you could see far too much of her business for comfort!
Jason, looking cute in a navy suit with blue shirt and orange (Georgia peach) tie, arrives first. His package looks fantastic as he walks to meet DeAnna, and the lovers embrace. Jason gets down on one knee so he can espouse his love for DeAnna, but is promptly cut off by a “No, I can’t.” DeAnna doesn’t let him get far at all (besides letting him get down on one knee!!), and cuts him out of her life with three words. I’m crushed!! (I mean, he’s available for me now, but whatever). So sad! It’s awful. He reacts stoically and doesn’t shed a tear in front of her. Our hearts are breaking along with his because he’s just so genuine and cute (and his rockin’ hot bod doesn’t hurt either). Clearly we know who the next Bachelor is going to be!
Jesse arrives next and practically runs to DeAnna. Wait…have I ever commented on how short he is? He’s shorter than our beloved Chris Harrison, and possibly shorter than DeAnna. Seriously? What is he, 4’9’’? Regardless, he proposes by saying, “will you spend forever with me?” (cute, I must admit). And DeAnna accepts. They embrace, it seems forced, and it’s over. Best of luck.
I’m totally not convinced. Especially after seeing how gooby and gross they were on the After the Final Rose special. The audience clearly favors cute Jason, and so do I. Oh well…apparently DeAnna and Jesse are getting married on May 9, 2008. I’ll offer to sing at the ceremony, but I’m doubting they make it that long.
But again, best of luck. I wonder if DeAnna will move to Breckenridge and become a professional snowboard waxer…
Until next season,
Mike
The marathon episode began in the outskirts of Atlanta with the remaining boys visiting DeAnna and her family in their hometown of Newnan (since when is a town 50 miles outside of Atlanta actually “Atlanta”?? According to Google Maps, it’s closer to the damn Alabama border than it is to Atlanta!). Jason is first to arrive to DeAnna’s “lovely” little home where he showers them with flowers, gifts, and his requisite charm and adorableness. He’s definitely a bit overzealous in his efforts to convince them that he’s for real, but we love him anyway. Who could resist that face? That body? That stubble? Clearly I cannot, and I’m arranging a meet-and-greet for the two of us in the very near future, thankyouverymuch. Jason asks Mr. Pappas for his daughter’s hand in marriage, like any good boy should, and Daddy is flattered and enamored with Jason. They all are. Well, except for her brother, who doesn’t seem so good with the words. His “I liked him” wasn’t very convincing. But on to the next man.
Jesse, nervous and jittery, arrives next. The family really puts it to him with the hard questions. So you’re a snowboarder? Great. How will you provide for DeAnna? What are your plans? How much money do you really make? ABC didn’t really show us much, though, between Jesse and the Pappas family. We’re left to wonder how the meeting really went. Great editing, ABC.
After the first dates, Daddy Pappas is convinced Jason is more heartfelt and he wonders if Jesse is in the same place as DeAnna.
Next, the two boys get to meet the Big Fat Extended Greek Family at Dad’s house. Jesse arrives first, only to be immediately interrupted by Jason’s arrival. Wait…amazing. The two guys have to spend the day with the entire family and DeAnna together! Totally loving the awkwardness of it all. Jason charms them all with his above-mentioned qualities, and Jesse “nugs” (fist punches, like snowboarders do) the family. He teaches Grandma and Grandpa (Zsa Zsa and Zu Zu??) how to nug, and it’s a bit odd. Jesse finds some time to ask Mr. Pappas for DeAnna’s hand in marriage (you know the directors put him up to it!), and he obliges. Then everyone does shots of Ouzo and the boys go home.
The family reiterates their feelings: is Jesse ready? But, sister-in-law brings up a good point as well: is Jason too settled? Will DeAnna “fast-forward” her life if she chooses Jason? Only time will tell. And we had a whole hour left to find out.
Back in the Bahamas, DeAnna prepares herself to meet with the scorned Jeremy, who is an emotional basketcase. He comes back looking for answers, trying to explain himself, and, well, gets nowhere. DeAnna breaks down and tells him that he’s everything she was looking for (not fair), but she’s in love with other people. Then she sends him packing. Goodbye Jeremy, forever. Call me.
DeAnna soon gets back to reality (if by “reality” you mean a fake life planned and styled by ABC designed to feign romance and love in what will inevitably be a failed relationship) and has her final dates with the two suitors. Jesse is first this time, and the two fly on a seaplane to a deserted island where they frolick and make out in the ocean, an activity I would like to hereafter coin as “sea-boning.” After the sea-boning, the lovers go back for their last romantic night together during which Jesse gives her a cute book of thoughts and tells her he loves her. Really? I’m not convinced. If he had to choose between his rad snowboard and DeAnna, I’m thinking he’d go with the board.
Jason is up next, and he excitedly accompanies her on a scuba diving trip. DeAnna tells him they’ll be scuba diving with sharks, and Jason responds to the camera with what was my favorite quote of the night: “Sharks and people aren’t supposed to hang out together.” Regardless, Jason enthusiastically dives with DeAnna and shows his adventurous side—something DeAnna needed to see in order to convince them that he really is the one. He did, and he is. We love Jason. DeAnna definitely seems more comfortable with him on their date. At night, Jason gives her a homemade board game of their relationship. It’s really cute. I would die if someone did that for me (future husband, are you listening?). He tells her he loves her, they make out, they say goodbye.
Okay, disclaimer. I am now officially in love with Jason. Like 100% want him right now. Readers, seriously. Set me up with him or his clone. He is my type to a “T.” Except for the straight, formerly-married, single father part…but whatever.
Next we get the morning-of-the-rose-ceremony montage of the three waking up, contemplating their futures (men are shirtless of course), strolling on the beach while deep in thought, et cetera. Blah blah blah.
The guys then pick out rings. Jason confidently chooses one (which I thought was ugly, sadly). Jesse, however, freaks out and nearly keels over and barfs prior to choosing a ring. Is it love? Ehh…I err on the side of fear. But whatever. The men each cry before the rose ceremony because they’re so in love, and then it’s time.
DeAnna arrives looking pretty cute, if I must say. My favorite was her arrival and stroll to the rose altar (it’s an altar of sorts, right?) while being whipped by the wind. ABC conveniently edited her lower portion out during the walk, as you could see far too much of her business for comfort!
Jason, looking cute in a navy suit with blue shirt and orange (Georgia peach) tie, arrives first. His package looks fantastic as he walks to meet DeAnna, and the lovers embrace. Jason gets down on one knee so he can espouse his love for DeAnna, but is promptly cut off by a “No, I can’t.” DeAnna doesn’t let him get far at all (besides letting him get down on one knee!!), and cuts him out of her life with three words. I’m crushed!! (I mean, he’s available for me now, but whatever). So sad! It’s awful. He reacts stoically and doesn’t shed a tear in front of her. Our hearts are breaking along with his because he’s just so genuine and cute (and his rockin’ hot bod doesn’t hurt either). Clearly we know who the next Bachelor is going to be!
Jesse arrives next and practically runs to DeAnna. Wait…have I ever commented on how short he is? He’s shorter than our beloved Chris Harrison, and possibly shorter than DeAnna. Seriously? What is he, 4’9’’? Regardless, he proposes by saying, “will you spend forever with me?” (cute, I must admit). And DeAnna accepts. They embrace, it seems forced, and it’s over. Best of luck.
I’m totally not convinced. Especially after seeing how gooby and gross they were on the After the Final Rose special. The audience clearly favors cute Jason, and so do I. Oh well…apparently DeAnna and Jesse are getting married on May 9, 2008. I’ll offer to sing at the ceremony, but I’m doubting they make it that long.
But again, best of luck. I wonder if DeAnna will move to Breckenridge and become a professional snowboard waxer…
Until next season,
Mike
Monday, June 30, 2008
The surprises don't end
So it's getting near the end and we have some major decisions to make. Which one of the J's is going home? Will she bone all three in the Fantasy Suite? Whose wenis is the biggest? All of these imperative questions beg to be answered on this episode, so I should get to this mess now!
ABC continues to impress us with the travel budget during our current oil-driven recession by flying all the lovers to the Bahamas for the fantasy dates. The first fantasy lover, Jeremy, meets DeAnna on the beach and impresses her with his dullness. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's hot as hell, but boy ain't got nothing to say! The lovers ride the waves and have forced awkward conversations. It's really amazing and quite silent. I'm pretty much sure the boning in the Fanatasy Suite was the highlight of the day. I mean, that and Jeremy's hot bod.
Next, cute Jason meets DeAnna on the beach and the cuteness begins straight away. They smile, they laugh, they have easy conversation. It's amazing. They both can't stop smiling during the entire date. The lovers kayak through the water and make out along the way. Easy-breezy all day long. It's a marked difference from her date with Jeremy. I think she is finally realizing the he's a keeper, and this is coming from me, the one who predicted his mess was headed back to Seattle tonight. It took this date for DeAnna to realize that she could fall in love with someone other than Graham.
The last date found Jesse and DeAnna riding horses on the beach. I wouldn't so much recommend a woman ride a horse in a bikini top, but our DeAnna is an independent woman and girl does what she wants. Jesse has clearly established himself as the guy who does everything "right," and she loves it. At dinner, DeAnna impresses us all with a trainwreck of an outfit with a headwrap and a striped top. Yikes! He loses her at dinner with his talk of his plans for a career and children because we all know she just wants to know how he's gonna bring home the bacon in ways other than shredding the slopes. She offers him the Fanatasy Suite invite and he pulls a pump fake by saying he can't join her until he meets her dad. Just kidding! They totally bone.
DeAnna continues to impress us with her fashion choices at the rose ceremony. She wears a bright blue dress with a fabulous early 90's bow on the hip. It was truly a gem. And I barfed.
And then DeAnna chose Jesse and Jason and sent Jeremy home! I mean, I wasn't surprised but was stunned all at once. He is totally shocked and DeAnna cries expectedly. His goodbye ride is quite dramatic, and he even stops the car during the ride to get out to contemplate his bleak future. Amazingly directed, ABC! This good-on-paper guy just didn't impress our hard-hitting DeAnna, and we're proud of her for following her heart and not her Virginia.
And then we were treated to an extra hour of fun for this season's Douches Tell All episode! What did we learn? Jeremy has gained 10 pounds in his heartbreak, and is still in love with DeAnna. Speaking of DeAnna, girlfriend has gained 10 pounds herself. Oh, and she's engaged!!
Until next week,
Mike
ABC continues to impress us with the travel budget during our current oil-driven recession by flying all the lovers to the Bahamas for the fantasy dates. The first fantasy lover, Jeremy, meets DeAnna on the beach and impresses her with his dullness. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's hot as hell, but boy ain't got nothing to say! The lovers ride the waves and have forced awkward conversations. It's really amazing and quite silent. I'm pretty much sure the boning in the Fanatasy Suite was the highlight of the day. I mean, that and Jeremy's hot bod.
Next, cute Jason meets DeAnna on the beach and the cuteness begins straight away. They smile, they laugh, they have easy conversation. It's amazing. They both can't stop smiling during the entire date. The lovers kayak through the water and make out along the way. Easy-breezy all day long. It's a marked difference from her date with Jeremy. I think she is finally realizing the he's a keeper, and this is coming from me, the one who predicted his mess was headed back to Seattle tonight. It took this date for DeAnna to realize that she could fall in love with someone other than Graham.
The last date found Jesse and DeAnna riding horses on the beach. I wouldn't so much recommend a woman ride a horse in a bikini top, but our DeAnna is an independent woman and girl does what she wants. Jesse has clearly established himself as the guy who does everything "right," and she loves it. At dinner, DeAnna impresses us all with a trainwreck of an outfit with a headwrap and a striped top. Yikes! He loses her at dinner with his talk of his plans for a career and children because we all know she just wants to know how he's gonna bring home the bacon in ways other than shredding the slopes. She offers him the Fanatasy Suite invite and he pulls a pump fake by saying he can't join her until he meets her dad. Just kidding! They totally bone.
DeAnna continues to impress us with her fashion choices at the rose ceremony. She wears a bright blue dress with a fabulous early 90's bow on the hip. It was truly a gem. And I barfed.
And then DeAnna chose Jesse and Jason and sent Jeremy home! I mean, I wasn't surprised but was stunned all at once. He is totally shocked and DeAnna cries expectedly. His goodbye ride is quite dramatic, and he even stops the car during the ride to get out to contemplate his bleak future. Amazingly directed, ABC! This good-on-paper guy just didn't impress our hard-hitting DeAnna, and we're proud of her for following her heart and not her Virginia.
And then we were treated to an extra hour of fun for this season's Douches Tell All episode! What did we learn? Jeremy has gained 10 pounds in his heartbreak, and is still in love with DeAnna. Speaking of DeAnna, girlfriend has gained 10 pounds herself. Oh, and she's engaged!!
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Most Dramatic Goodbye Ever. Like For Real.
Okay okay okay, I’m a big fat mess and I missed the first hour of the show last night. Why, you ask? I’m famous. Don’t make me remind you again. My cousin is also famous; thus, we tore up the town last prior to viewing the tail end of The Bachelorette. I would normally understand if you were upset that I missed half an episode, but clearly the last hour was where it was at last night—especially with the dismissal of…well…keep reading.
The two hometown dates that I missed were those with Jeremy and Jesse. Apparently they were fine. Jesse is a friend, Jeremy is in love with her, DeAnna doesn’t really care.
So the first hometown date I caught was in Seattle with Jason and son. Jason, freshly orange from 82 spray tans, spends the day with his son and DeAnna feeding ducks. Then they go to his family’s home and share a meal. Dad awkwardly calls her “honey” and “sweetheart” while I cringe. Was he hitting on her? Is this why Jason got divorced in the first place? After lunch, the family goes outside and plays leap frog. I’m sorry, what? Seriously? Apparently they were serious. What follows was an all-too-dramatic goodbye. Everyone cried, his son pretended he was sad, and tears were flowing everywhere. I couldn’t take it.
Next DeAnna travels to Raleigh to meet the love of her life, Graham. Graham, seemingly growing in his ability to be normal and open, is very cute with DeAnna as he meets her at his high school gymnasium to play a little game of b-ball. She is so obsessed with him, it’s insane. Clearly she would prefer nothing more than to strip him of all his clothes and go at it on the gym floor, but I’m thinking that wouldn’t be very sanitary. After a fun afternoon in high school, the lovebirds go to Graham’s parent’s house. His mom and dad are super cute, and everything finally seems hunky-dory. Graham is the one. It’s set.
And then DeAnna talks to Graham’s mom. She pretty much reinforces all DeAnna’s reservations about Graham.
Is he ready to commit? Eh…
Will he break my heart? Eh…
Has he ever had a relationship? Eh…
After time with the parents, DeAnna and Graham sit outside and Graham is back to his old self. Quiet, reserved, holding back. I love when something is on a typical dude’s mind, he immediately says everything is fine. Must. Not. Show. Emotion. This is clearly an amazing conversational tactic, and it certainly makes women fall in love with you. Amazing.
So back in LA, the rose ceremony begins. Will she ditch Jeremy because he’s more in love with her than DeAnna is with him? Will be dump Jesse because he’s just a friend (and because he’s wearing a white suit)? Will Jason be the one to go because of the kid? Only time will tell.
And then, she chooses:
1) Jesse
2) Jeremy
3) Jason
EXCUSE ME?!? SHE DUMPS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE?
Yes. Granted, his red sweater combo wasn’t too cute, but still. She reverts to the protectionist DeAnna we all know, and lets the boy that will inevitably break her heart go before he has the chance. I’m dying.
And then she walks Graham out. He struts in his too-cool-for-school way that only a jackass can pull off, but he’s visibly upset. DeAnna is too. I mean, she’s literally dumping the only guy she loves, and you know she’s second-guessing that mess. My opinion? She did this to prove a point to him, but it’s going to backfire in a major way (i.e. he’s leaving in the limo, you idiot!).
After a few heated words, DeAnna ultimately confesses to his face that she’s “letting go the one person I was falling in love with.”
Cut to two possibilities for the end of the season:
**Prediction #1: She doesn’t get engaged to anyone, and we have another failure of a season.
**Prediction #2: Graham somehow comes back and they end up together.
Cut back to the Graham goodbye.
He can’t take it, he looks away, he tears up. Too little too late, buddy. Graham then hands her a note full of thoughts he never told her. He hopes she’ll read it one day. Again…too little, too late. But how dramatic?!? I’m loving/hating this all at the same time. This was the worst goodbye ever. The only two people in love with each other just broke up, and I’m a little sad.
But then I googled “Graham Bunn” and found his website that was clearly created as a fame-boosting stunt as soon as the show began in May, and I’m over it. Grahambunn.com. You can buy clothing and see his attempts at being a model (he was in a Moen faucet print ad). Hilarious.
I’m over it. And I’m going to start dating him immediately.
Until next week,
Mike
The two hometown dates that I missed were those with Jeremy and Jesse. Apparently they were fine. Jesse is a friend, Jeremy is in love with her, DeAnna doesn’t really care.
So the first hometown date I caught was in Seattle with Jason and son. Jason, freshly orange from 82 spray tans, spends the day with his son and DeAnna feeding ducks. Then they go to his family’s home and share a meal. Dad awkwardly calls her “honey” and “sweetheart” while I cringe. Was he hitting on her? Is this why Jason got divorced in the first place? After lunch, the family goes outside and plays leap frog. I’m sorry, what? Seriously? Apparently they were serious. What follows was an all-too-dramatic goodbye. Everyone cried, his son pretended he was sad, and tears were flowing everywhere. I couldn’t take it.
Next DeAnna travels to Raleigh to meet the love of her life, Graham. Graham, seemingly growing in his ability to be normal and open, is very cute with DeAnna as he meets her at his high school gymnasium to play a little game of b-ball. She is so obsessed with him, it’s insane. Clearly she would prefer nothing more than to strip him of all his clothes and go at it on the gym floor, but I’m thinking that wouldn’t be very sanitary. After a fun afternoon in high school, the lovebirds go to Graham’s parent’s house. His mom and dad are super cute, and everything finally seems hunky-dory. Graham is the one. It’s set.
And then DeAnna talks to Graham’s mom. She pretty much reinforces all DeAnna’s reservations about Graham.
Is he ready to commit? Eh…
Will he break my heart? Eh…
Has he ever had a relationship? Eh…
After time with the parents, DeAnna and Graham sit outside and Graham is back to his old self. Quiet, reserved, holding back. I love when something is on a typical dude’s mind, he immediately says everything is fine. Must. Not. Show. Emotion. This is clearly an amazing conversational tactic, and it certainly makes women fall in love with you. Amazing.
So back in LA, the rose ceremony begins. Will she ditch Jeremy because he’s more in love with her than DeAnna is with him? Will be dump Jesse because he’s just a friend (and because he’s wearing a white suit)? Will Jason be the one to go because of the kid? Only time will tell.
And then, she chooses:
1) Jesse
2) Jeremy
3) Jason
EXCUSE ME?!? SHE DUMPS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE?
Yes. Granted, his red sweater combo wasn’t too cute, but still. She reverts to the protectionist DeAnna we all know, and lets the boy that will inevitably break her heart go before he has the chance. I’m dying.
And then she walks Graham out. He struts in his too-cool-for-school way that only a jackass can pull off, but he’s visibly upset. DeAnna is too. I mean, she’s literally dumping the only guy she loves, and you know she’s second-guessing that mess. My opinion? She did this to prove a point to him, but it’s going to backfire in a major way (i.e. he’s leaving in the limo, you idiot!).
After a few heated words, DeAnna ultimately confesses to his face that she’s “letting go the one person I was falling in love with.”
Cut to two possibilities for the end of the season:
**Prediction #1: She doesn’t get engaged to anyone, and we have another failure of a season.
**Prediction #2: Graham somehow comes back and they end up together.
Cut back to the Graham goodbye.
He can’t take it, he looks away, he tears up. Too little too late, buddy. Graham then hands her a note full of thoughts he never told her. He hopes she’ll read it one day. Again…too little, too late. But how dramatic?!? I’m loving/hating this all at the same time. This was the worst goodbye ever. The only two people in love with each other just broke up, and I’m a little sad.
But then I googled “Graham Bunn” and found his website that was clearly created as a fame-boosting stunt as soon as the show began in May, and I’m over it. Grahambunn.com. You can buy clothing and see his attempts at being a model (he was in a Moen faucet print ad). Hilarious.
I’m over it. And I’m going to start dating him immediately.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Welcome to the Ab Show
This week's episode finally gave us some much-needed ab time. Lots of hot bods and shirtless scenes were exactly what I needed to heat up my already-steamy apartment (it was 97 in NY yesterday). This episode has three dates: a one-on-one, a two-on-one, and a group date.
In order to win the one-on-one, the boys must write and perform an original song for DeAnna, which, clearly, is embarrassing for all. Ultimately, Jesse wins.
On his one-on-one date, DeAnna surprises him with a private serenade in an empty theatre. Jesse wears formal attire, and looks pretty damn good. Natasha Beddingfield soon joins the happy couple as she sings to them while they dance. He's totally into her, she's semi-into him.
The group date finds Brian, Twilley, Sean, Graham, Jason and Jeremy together at the race track where they race for DeAnna's heart by racing stock cars. I love how this is the guy's version of the fashion show on the bachelor. The boys aim for the top speed so they can spend some quality time with DeAnna. Sean, the former mulleted red neck wins. He sucks. Graham then gets some time with DeAnna. Okay, first things first. DeAnna wants this guy. Badly. The sexual tension is practically visible. DeAnna literally asks for a kiss from Graham. And he DENIES her by saying, "I don't want to be one of the bunch." Girlfriend is pissed, and the chemistry basically ends there. She calls him out since he's not putting himself out there, and she's totally right. Graham has proven that he is the "do" choice in my favorite game, "Do, Dump or Marry." You spend a wild night with the man, but you don't spend your life with him. Child ain't ready for commitment. Oh, but that body!
Next, the boys at the bunkhouse throw a BBQ for DeAnna and the boys at the Mansion. It all goes South very quickly. The boys are ignoring DeAnna because it's awkward when they're all vying for her affection. Robert slinks away to the house, Graham is aloof, and Brian wears a shirt that says "Home Wrecker." Really? Was that the best choice? Not sure...
Anyway, DeAnna calls the boys out on their juvenile behavior, and leaves in tears. Amazing. The only redeeming factor of this special time is that the boys are shirtless.
The last date finds Robert and Fred on a two-on-one with DeAnna in the Hollywood Hills. She looks amazing in her white jeans and gold sweater, and the boys try to impress her with their romantic prowess. Robert sucks. He proposes a kiss to DeAnna and she gives him her cheek ("the dodge" as she called it). Amazing. But, oddly, he thinks they have this amazing connection? Um...not so much. I mean, if by "connection," you mean you're in the same room, then fine. Fred proves that he's a great guy, and she's totally going to choose him. But NO!! She sends them both home! So sad, but so real. First, she sends Robert away and we're over it. He's also drunk and fake crying. She was honest in saying she didn't have a connection with Fred, and she cries as he drives away.
At the rose ceremony, DeAnna chooses:
1) Jesse
2) Sean
3) Jason
4) Jeremy
5) Twilley
6) Graham
Bye-bye: Robert, Fred, Brian.
Awards:
1) The "everyguy": Fred. Good guy, we love him. Just lose the accent.
2) Cutest: Jason.
3) Surprise of the night: Twilley staying and Brian going home.
4) Rockin' Hot Bod: Graham. Just stop shaving your chest and we'll have a deal.
Until next week,
Mike
In order to win the one-on-one, the boys must write and perform an original song for DeAnna, which, clearly, is embarrassing for all. Ultimately, Jesse wins.
On his one-on-one date, DeAnna surprises him with a private serenade in an empty theatre. Jesse wears formal attire, and looks pretty damn good. Natasha Beddingfield soon joins the happy couple as she sings to them while they dance. He's totally into her, she's semi-into him.
The group date finds Brian, Twilley, Sean, Graham, Jason and Jeremy together at the race track where they race for DeAnna's heart by racing stock cars. I love how this is the guy's version of the fashion show on the bachelor. The boys aim for the top speed so they can spend some quality time with DeAnna. Sean, the former mulleted red neck wins. He sucks. Graham then gets some time with DeAnna. Okay, first things first. DeAnna wants this guy. Badly. The sexual tension is practically visible. DeAnna literally asks for a kiss from Graham. And he DENIES her by saying, "I don't want to be one of the bunch." Girlfriend is pissed, and the chemistry basically ends there. She calls him out since he's not putting himself out there, and she's totally right. Graham has proven that he is the "do" choice in my favorite game, "Do, Dump or Marry." You spend a wild night with the man, but you don't spend your life with him. Child ain't ready for commitment. Oh, but that body!
Next, the boys at the bunkhouse throw a BBQ for DeAnna and the boys at the Mansion. It all goes South very quickly. The boys are ignoring DeAnna because it's awkward when they're all vying for her affection. Robert slinks away to the house, Graham is aloof, and Brian wears a shirt that says "Home Wrecker." Really? Was that the best choice? Not sure...
Anyway, DeAnna calls the boys out on their juvenile behavior, and leaves in tears. Amazing. The only redeeming factor of this special time is that the boys are shirtless.
The last date finds Robert and Fred on a two-on-one with DeAnna in the Hollywood Hills. She looks amazing in her white jeans and gold sweater, and the boys try to impress her with their romantic prowess. Robert sucks. He proposes a kiss to DeAnna and she gives him her cheek ("the dodge" as she called it). Amazing. But, oddly, he thinks they have this amazing connection? Um...not so much. I mean, if by "connection," you mean you're in the same room, then fine. Fred proves that he's a great guy, and she's totally going to choose him. But NO!! She sends them both home! So sad, but so real. First, she sends Robert away and we're over it. He's also drunk and fake crying. She was honest in saying she didn't have a connection with Fred, and she cries as he drives away.
At the rose ceremony, DeAnna chooses:
1) Jesse
2) Sean
3) Jason
4) Jeremy
5) Twilley
6) Graham
Bye-bye: Robert, Fred, Brian.
Awards:
1) The "everyguy": Fred. Good guy, we love him. Just lose the accent.
2) Cutest: Jason.
3) Surprise of the night: Twilley staying and Brian going home.
4) Rockin' Hot Bod: Graham. Just stop shaving your chest and we'll have a deal.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
I'm so famous
Sometimes being famous has its drawbacks. Missing ¾ of last night’s Bachelorette is one of them. You see, I was entertaining clients over pinot and filets last night, and the evening just got away from me. I arrived home in a wine-induced haze to see the last 30 minutes of the episode. So let me tell you about some highlights…
DeAnna and Jeremy have a strong connection and she likes him.
Her connection to Graham, however, is stronger, even though he’s bad news bears. Their kiss was hot. She wants him naked in her bed immediately. So do I, but whatever.
DeAnna is fine with Jason’s son, and they apparently had a good date after last week’s mess. She even named a star after the little boy, Ty. Scratch that, ABC named a star after him, and DeAnna pretended it was her idea.
She sent Richard home after their one-on-one. Sucks to be him.
The remaining nine suitors are:
1) Robert
2) Jason
3) Fred – What did he do to get a rose so early? Can she really stomach that accent?
4) Twilley – Clearly remaining as the “entertainment” for the season.
5) Jesse
6) Jeremy
7) Brian
8) Graham
9) Sean – Really? She chose him in light of his heinous taste in fashion?
Bye-bye: Richard, Ron, Paul.
Until next week,
Mike
DeAnna and Jeremy have a strong connection and she likes him.
Her connection to Graham, however, is stronger, even though he’s bad news bears. Their kiss was hot. She wants him naked in her bed immediately. So do I, but whatever.
DeAnna is fine with Jason’s son, and they apparently had a good date after last week’s mess. She even named a star after the little boy, Ty. Scratch that, ABC named a star after him, and DeAnna pretended it was her idea.
She sent Richard home after their one-on-one. Sucks to be him.
The remaining nine suitors are:
1) Robert
2) Jason
3) Fred – What did he do to get a rose so early? Can she really stomach that accent?
4) Twilley – Clearly remaining as the “entertainment” for the season.
5) Jesse
6) Jeremy
7) Brian
8) Graham
9) Sean – Really? She chose him in light of his heinous taste in fashion?
Bye-bye: Richard, Ron, Paul.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Boys will be girls
It’s move-in day on The Bachelorette, and this season, the rules have changed. The boys will not be living in a lavish estate, rather, they have been relegated to the “guest house” down the hill from DeAnna’s mansion where they’ll be bunking like campmates. My favorite part? The outdoor shower. According to me, the guest house is a fun twist, and my opinion is the only one that matters. Here’s the juicy caveat: each week, three boys get to move in to the mansion with DeAnna. The first three lucky boys are Jeremy, Jesse and Richard (the recipients of last week’s first three roses). The rest of the boys tucked their tails between their legs, and did the “walk of shame” down to the guest house.
After the move-in is settled, we get underway with this episode’s three dates. The first group date is a night at the Magic Castle in Hollywood with Jason, Ryan, Twilley, Sean, Paul, Fred and Richard. It’s a night of magic tricks and disappearing acts, and Jason and DeAnna are the first to magically disappear. Unfortunately, their destination was the land of awkward and forced conversation, and I hated it. As each man had some one-on-one time with DeAnna, and all had a few tricks up their sleeves. Sean is wearing a horrific striped suit and is interrupted by a piano that mocks him. Twilley tells a story that lasts 82 hours and is later accused by the dudes of being “along for the ride” and of being “the least genuine” of all the guys by Ryan, the perfect virgin. Richard performs some magic of his own and gives DeAnna a paper flower. Paul, surprisingly, gets the rose after getting into a deep conversation about how he’s ready to settle. Come on. You’re 23. You’re also Canadian, so everything you say isn’t even real because your country is a mythical place. Simmer down.
The next date is a one-on-one with Graham, a.k.a. Hot As Hell. You can tell from the start that DeAnna has high expectations for their connection, and from the get-go, it just seems natural. No awkward conversations, no uncomfortable silence, just easy-breezy conversation and banter. I love it. He’s a doll and I’m dating him as soon as the season is over; he just doesn’t know it yet. DeAnna and Graham soon arrive to a secluded beach where they fly a kite (or try, at least), chat, and flirt some more. As the sun sets, DeAnna grills him about his past relationships and his intentions. This provides a bit of a revelation: is Graham the next Brad Womack? Is he a heartbreaker in the making? Is he ready to settle down? Graham certainly leaves a lot to the imagination as we just can’t quite pin down his motives. Oooh, the intrigue. Of course, everyone wants what they can’t have, so DeAnna totally wants him more even though she’s afraid she’ll get hurt. But, in the end, he reaffirms that he is in this for the right reasons, and they share a hot kiss. Clearly, he gets the rose. Sidenote: for the first time, I kind of liked DeAnna. Maybe she isn’t cold and aloof. Maybe, just maybe, she has a heart and true emotions.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, Twilley is waiting to catch DeAnna after her date with Graham in order to impress upon her his true intentions. DeAnna, in a post-Graham haze, saunters towards the mansion only to find Twilley waiting for her. In true Twilley fashion, he awkwardly tries to verbalize the fact that he is there for the right reasons, but it just comes out all wrong. Coupled with the fact that he waited for DeAnna like a stalker, and the whole scene was just a bit too much.
The last date was a day at the ballpark with Chris, Robert, Brian, Jesse, Ron, Jeremy and Eric. They all descend upon Dodger Stadium for a day of private baseball, which has to be every guy’s wet dream (I mean, every guy except for me who despised the boring game of baseball and spent the springs of his childhood picking dandelions in the outfield and waiting for the game to end so he could eat orange slices and juice boxes and the occasional chocolate pudding pop from the cool mom who brought good post-game treats. But I totally hit a few homers, too, so don’t think I wasn’t butch as hell). The guys arrive on the field and are greeted by Tommy Lasorda, and the wet dream only gets better. Lasorda gives a quick motivational speech, and the boys take their turns at the National Anthem. Hot tranny mess. Poor Chris was in the spotlight, but they all gave it a try, and they all sucked. Next the guys take their turn at the plate: each guy got 10 pitches, and the guy with the most homeruns won some time with DeAnna. Clearly the hottest guy won, and that was Jeremy. Fool knocked six homers out of the park. The next best dudes only hit two. Awesome. Jeremy divulges to DeAnna that both of his parents have passed away, and it’s totally emotional. Being a dude, he fights back tears, but you can tell he’s emotional about it. DeAnna feels like a douche for asking, but they totally connect. He eventually gets the rose. We also learn on this date that Brian is cute and fun (love me some salt and pepper hair), and Eric is boring and Greek.
On the night of the rose ceremony, the boys show up at the mansion and Jeremy greets them with “Welcome to our home.” The boys freak out and assume Jeremy is a pompous ass, and proceed to turn into big fat girls about the whole thing. Idiots. They’re just jealous, and Jeremy isn’t a dick. I’m serious. We made out last summer, and he’s totally nice. Jeremy then rubs salt in the girls’ wounds by spending more time with DeAnna. One push-up contest later, DeAnna chooses:
1) Paul
2) Graham
3) Jeremy
4) Ron
5) Jesse
6) Robert
7) Brian
8) Jason
9) Fred
10) Sean
11) Richard
12) Twilley
Goodbye to: Chris, Ryan and Eric the Greek.
Ryan tells us as he leaves that he was voted “Friendliest” in eighth grade. Awesome. So was I, fool. Northern Hills Middle School’s Friendliest eighth grader in 1994. You’re looking at him, and damn he looks good. Just because we’re friendly, Ryan, doesn’t mean we’ll marry DeAnna Pappas.
Awards:
1) Heartbreaker: Graham
2) Drama Queens: all the boys
3) Front-runner: Jeremy, by a long-shot
4) Worst fashion choices (Untied ties? Seriously?): Graham and Twilley
Until next week,
Mike
After the move-in is settled, we get underway with this episode’s three dates. The first group date is a night at the Magic Castle in Hollywood with Jason, Ryan, Twilley, Sean, Paul, Fred and Richard. It’s a night of magic tricks and disappearing acts, and Jason and DeAnna are the first to magically disappear. Unfortunately, their destination was the land of awkward and forced conversation, and I hated it. As each man had some one-on-one time with DeAnna, and all had a few tricks up their sleeves. Sean is wearing a horrific striped suit and is interrupted by a piano that mocks him. Twilley tells a story that lasts 82 hours and is later accused by the dudes of being “along for the ride” and of being “the least genuine” of all the guys by Ryan, the perfect virgin. Richard performs some magic of his own and gives DeAnna a paper flower. Paul, surprisingly, gets the rose after getting into a deep conversation about how he’s ready to settle. Come on. You’re 23. You’re also Canadian, so everything you say isn’t even real because your country is a mythical place. Simmer down.
The next date is a one-on-one with Graham, a.k.a. Hot As Hell. You can tell from the start that DeAnna has high expectations for their connection, and from the get-go, it just seems natural. No awkward conversations, no uncomfortable silence, just easy-breezy conversation and banter. I love it. He’s a doll and I’m dating him as soon as the season is over; he just doesn’t know it yet. DeAnna and Graham soon arrive to a secluded beach where they fly a kite (or try, at least), chat, and flirt some more. As the sun sets, DeAnna grills him about his past relationships and his intentions. This provides a bit of a revelation: is Graham the next Brad Womack? Is he a heartbreaker in the making? Is he ready to settle down? Graham certainly leaves a lot to the imagination as we just can’t quite pin down his motives. Oooh, the intrigue. Of course, everyone wants what they can’t have, so DeAnna totally wants him more even though she’s afraid she’ll get hurt. But, in the end, he reaffirms that he is in this for the right reasons, and they share a hot kiss. Clearly, he gets the rose. Sidenote: for the first time, I kind of liked DeAnna. Maybe she isn’t cold and aloof. Maybe, just maybe, she has a heart and true emotions.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, Twilley is waiting to catch DeAnna after her date with Graham in order to impress upon her his true intentions. DeAnna, in a post-Graham haze, saunters towards the mansion only to find Twilley waiting for her. In true Twilley fashion, he awkwardly tries to verbalize the fact that he is there for the right reasons, but it just comes out all wrong. Coupled with the fact that he waited for DeAnna like a stalker, and the whole scene was just a bit too much.
The last date was a day at the ballpark with Chris, Robert, Brian, Jesse, Ron, Jeremy and Eric. They all descend upon Dodger Stadium for a day of private baseball, which has to be every guy’s wet dream (I mean, every guy except for me who despised the boring game of baseball and spent the springs of his childhood picking dandelions in the outfield and waiting for the game to end so he could eat orange slices and juice boxes and the occasional chocolate pudding pop from the cool mom who brought good post-game treats. But I totally hit a few homers, too, so don’t think I wasn’t butch as hell). The guys arrive on the field and are greeted by Tommy Lasorda, and the wet dream only gets better. Lasorda gives a quick motivational speech, and the boys take their turns at the National Anthem. Hot tranny mess. Poor Chris was in the spotlight, but they all gave it a try, and they all sucked. Next the guys take their turn at the plate: each guy got 10 pitches, and the guy with the most homeruns won some time with DeAnna. Clearly the hottest guy won, and that was Jeremy. Fool knocked six homers out of the park. The next best dudes only hit two. Awesome. Jeremy divulges to DeAnna that both of his parents have passed away, and it’s totally emotional. Being a dude, he fights back tears, but you can tell he’s emotional about it. DeAnna feels like a douche for asking, but they totally connect. He eventually gets the rose. We also learn on this date that Brian is cute and fun (love me some salt and pepper hair), and Eric is boring and Greek.
On the night of the rose ceremony, the boys show up at the mansion and Jeremy greets them with “Welcome to our home.” The boys freak out and assume Jeremy is a pompous ass, and proceed to turn into big fat girls about the whole thing. Idiots. They’re just jealous, and Jeremy isn’t a dick. I’m serious. We made out last summer, and he’s totally nice. Jeremy then rubs salt in the girls’ wounds by spending more time with DeAnna. One push-up contest later, DeAnna chooses:
1) Paul
2) Graham
3) Jeremy
4) Ron
5) Jesse
6) Robert
7) Brian
8) Jason
9) Fred
10) Sean
11) Richard
12) Twilley
Goodbye to: Chris, Ryan and Eric the Greek.
Ryan tells us as he leaves that he was voted “Friendliest” in eighth grade. Awesome. So was I, fool. Northern Hills Middle School’s Friendliest eighth grader in 1994. You’re looking at him, and damn he looks good. Just because we’re friendly, Ryan, doesn’t mean we’ll marry DeAnna Pappas.
Awards:
1) Heartbreaker: Graham
2) Drama Queens: all the boys
3) Front-runner: Jeremy, by a long-shot
4) Worst fashion choices (Untied ties? Seriously?): Graham and Twilley
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The Bachelorette is Back.
With no respite whatsoever, ABC has begun another to-be-doomed season of the worst show on television—and we love it. It’s back folks. The tables have once again turned, and this season, a woman holds the cards. It’s as if the genders are “equal” or something. I’m rather confused, but excited all at once because we get to see boys make fools of themselves (and hopefully take off their shirts).
Before I get to the analysis of the disappointing crop of dudes, let me first comment on the re-introduction of Ms. DeAnna Pappas. They paint the picture of unrequited love, of heartbreak, of despair. Wow, she sure seems like a woman I’d like to date! (No jokes from the peanut gallery, please.) Yet, through it all, she is apparently Ms. Available!
I have two goals for this season: 1) Lots of mrama (man drama); and 2) lots of mears (man tears). And on to the show.
The 25 suitors arrived limo by limo to meet the gold-clad DeAnna whose butt looked big in her dress. ABC did a nice job of foreshadowing major players of the season with the quick intro of the boys in their hometowns (namely, Jason, the Single Dad). Clearly he’s sticking around for a while. He’s also hot, so he wins! Yay!
As the arrivals begin, we realize that DeAnna looks better than most of the losers she’s hoping to marry (who wore far too many dark-colored dress shirts). Also, was it just me, or was there a one-in-five twirl ratio? Why did the men feel the need to twirl DeAnna as though they were on the dance floor? Is this what straight people do upon meeting others of the opposite sex? It’s beyond me, and, quite frankly, embarrassing.
This episode offers a new twist in that DeAnna gets three First Impression Roses. Clearly they’re going to the three hottest guys, because what better way to impress than with stunning good looks? DeAnna surprises no one by quickly choosing the hottest guy (and last to arrive) of them all for the first First Impression Rose: Jeremy, the attorney from TX. Hot. Take of your shirt.
As we meet the men through the evening, we realize that ABC has successfully cast the show and fulfilled all necessary quotas.
Doesn’t Fit Into A Mold/Free-Thinking/Weird-Dressing Guy: Jesse
Horrible Midwestern Accent Guy: Fred
Faith-filled Virgin Guy: Ryan
Divorced Guy: Ron
Endearing and Hot Single Dad Guy: Jason
Canadian Guy: Paul
Homosexual Guy: To Be Determined
As the night progresses, DeAnna awards the next two First Impression Roses to Jesse and his Technicolor Dreamcoat, and Richard the Science Nerd. Richard wins the Dark Horse Award in the First Impression Rose race for stealing Jason and/or Graham’s thunder as frontrunners.
A few notes on the contenders…
Ron, the divorced barber, cannot converse, has no personality, and has HORRENDOUS style. I’m sorry, a vest with the tie untucked? What?
(I love The Bachelorette for showcasing guys and their lack of style. With no one telling them what to wear, we never know what we’ll see!)
Fred’s accent is excruciatingly awful, and simply unbearable. Where was he raised? In the bar next to Soldier Field? I mean, I’m from Michigan, but this is too much!
Ryan has never boned, and he sucks.
Luke, the oyster farmer, gives DeAnna a pearl necklace and Robert, the cook, gives her crabs. All on the first date!
Graham is hot.
Eric is Greek.
Brian from IN is a loser who shows off his not-so-good abs.
Paul jumps in the pool and wears underwear with DeAnna’s name on them.
Sean kicks a lemon off Jesse’s head because he’s in to martial arts (he also has a mullet).
Greg, the personal trainer, speaks in the third person, has 82 tats, and has chest acne from the steroids. If that isn’t hot, I don’t know what is.
Jenni, the other lover Brad Womack scorned, returns to give DeAnna advice. And she’s apparently engaged? Amazing.
After a rather uneventful first episode, DeAnna chooses her lovers.
1) Jeremy
2) Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
3) Richard
4) Ron
5) Graham
6) Eric
7) Robert
8) Sean
9) Ryan. Gotta keep the virgin around!
10) Chris
11) Paul
12) Fred. Ugh, that accent!
13) Twilley (I’m sorry, what? Did you say “Twilley”?)
14) Jason
15) Brian TX
Tonight’s awards:
1) Best Outfit: Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
2) Least Sexed: Ryan the Virgin.
3) Surprising early exits: Chandler the Southern boy and Luke the oyster farmer.
4) Douche: Greg, the personal trainer
5) Possible Dark Horse: Twilley
6) Frontrunners: Jeremy, Graham, Jason. The three hottest dudes.
Until next week,
Mike
Before I get to the analysis of the disappointing crop of dudes, let me first comment on the re-introduction of Ms. DeAnna Pappas. They paint the picture of unrequited love, of heartbreak, of despair. Wow, she sure seems like a woman I’d like to date! (No jokes from the peanut gallery, please.) Yet, through it all, she is apparently Ms. Available!
I have two goals for this season: 1) Lots of mrama (man drama); and 2) lots of mears (man tears). And on to the show.
The 25 suitors arrived limo by limo to meet the gold-clad DeAnna whose butt looked big in her dress. ABC did a nice job of foreshadowing major players of the season with the quick intro of the boys in their hometowns (namely, Jason, the Single Dad). Clearly he’s sticking around for a while. He’s also hot, so he wins! Yay!
As the arrivals begin, we realize that DeAnna looks better than most of the losers she’s hoping to marry (who wore far too many dark-colored dress shirts). Also, was it just me, or was there a one-in-five twirl ratio? Why did the men feel the need to twirl DeAnna as though they were on the dance floor? Is this what straight people do upon meeting others of the opposite sex? It’s beyond me, and, quite frankly, embarrassing.
This episode offers a new twist in that DeAnna gets three First Impression Roses. Clearly they’re going to the three hottest guys, because what better way to impress than with stunning good looks? DeAnna surprises no one by quickly choosing the hottest guy (and last to arrive) of them all for the first First Impression Rose: Jeremy, the attorney from TX. Hot. Take of your shirt.
As we meet the men through the evening, we realize that ABC has successfully cast the show and fulfilled all necessary quotas.
Doesn’t Fit Into A Mold/Free-Thinking/Weird-Dressing Guy: Jesse
Horrible Midwestern Accent Guy: Fred
Faith-filled Virgin Guy: Ryan
Divorced Guy: Ron
Endearing and Hot Single Dad Guy: Jason
Canadian Guy: Paul
Homosexual Guy: To Be Determined
As the night progresses, DeAnna awards the next two First Impression Roses to Jesse and his Technicolor Dreamcoat, and Richard the Science Nerd. Richard wins the Dark Horse Award in the First Impression Rose race for stealing Jason and/or Graham’s thunder as frontrunners.
A few notes on the contenders…
Ron, the divorced barber, cannot converse, has no personality, and has HORRENDOUS style. I’m sorry, a vest with the tie untucked? What?
(I love The Bachelorette for showcasing guys and their lack of style. With no one telling them what to wear, we never know what we’ll see!)
Fred’s accent is excruciatingly awful, and simply unbearable. Where was he raised? In the bar next to Soldier Field? I mean, I’m from Michigan, but this is too much!
Ryan has never boned, and he sucks.
Luke, the oyster farmer, gives DeAnna a pearl necklace and Robert, the cook, gives her crabs. All on the first date!
Graham is hot.
Eric is Greek.
Brian from IN is a loser who shows off his not-so-good abs.
Paul jumps in the pool and wears underwear with DeAnna’s name on them.
Sean kicks a lemon off Jesse’s head because he’s in to martial arts (he also has a mullet).
Greg, the personal trainer, speaks in the third person, has 82 tats, and has chest acne from the steroids. If that isn’t hot, I don’t know what is.
Jenni, the other lover Brad Womack scorned, returns to give DeAnna advice. And she’s apparently engaged? Amazing.
After a rather uneventful first episode, DeAnna chooses her lovers.
1) Jeremy
2) Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
3) Richard
4) Ron
5) Graham
6) Eric
7) Robert
8) Sean
9) Ryan. Gotta keep the virgin around!
10) Chris
11) Paul
12) Fred. Ugh, that accent!
13) Twilley (I’m sorry, what? Did you say “Twilley”?)
14) Jason
15) Brian TX
Tonight’s awards:
1) Best Outfit: Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
2) Least Sexed: Ryan the Virgin.
3) Surprising early exits: Chandler the Southern boy and Luke the oyster farmer.
4) Douche: Greg, the personal trainer
5) Possible Dark Horse: Twilley
6) Frontrunners: Jeremy, Graham, Jason. The three hottest dudes.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
And she's already NOT surprising us...
http://tvwatch.people.com/2008/05/13/the-bachelor-winner-poses-in-girls-gone-wild-magazine/
Shayne. Girls Gone Wild.
It's heaven.
Shayne. Girls Gone Wild.
It's heaven.
Things just don't go my way.
After a rough-and-tumble few months in the love department, my heart has been broken again. ABC, I’m so pissed at you. You’ve gone ahead and guaranteed another failed match on The Bachelor. At least this time we won’t be duped into thinking they’ll actually work out. (Trying to spin this positively here.)
And on to the genius that is The Bachelor: London Calling…
The episode begins in London, where the two remaining girls arrive to meet Matt and the Grant family, who are clearly quite well off. The first American to arrive is Chelsea, surely the inevitable winner of this season. He loves her, it’s obvious. After taking in a few London sights, the lovebirds arrive to the Grant family home. They are greeted by brother Simon, mom Trish, and dad Tony. Clearly Matt was the recipient of the hot genes. The mom was cute, the dad was mute, and the brother seemed fun. Kudos to dad for pulling off a turtleneck and blazer. The date wasn’t too eventful, but the family definitely took a liking to Chelsea. Her mom fulfilled every Brit’s duty by saying “lovely” on like 82 occasions. Lovely.
Next, the blonde bimbo arrives to London. This is Shayne’s first trip across the pond, and she thoroughly enjoys it. Clearly her parents were too busy being nipped and tucked to take their daughters on vacation…but that’s LA for you. After Matt babysits her through some London highlights, they arrive to the Grant home and the reaction is inevitable. Is she for real? Does Matt really like her? Simon seems to possess the same “honesty gene” as Matt, and fully admits to Shayne that he judged her upon meeting her. Amazing. Dad once again wears a turtleneck and blazer, but this time he says something! He asks Shayne how old she is, to which she responds, “12.” Right on. Couldn’t be more true. The inevitable “Monkey” is stated, and the two part ways. It’s so going to be Chelsea.
Back in Barbados, we have our final two dates before judgment day. Chelsea is first up to the plate once again. The lovers helicopter around the island, totally bone on the beach, and share one final night together before they become engaged. Chelsea gives Matt a “California Survival Kit” as a present, and it’s cute. She fully opens up and they confess to falling in love with each other. So sweet. So in love. So ending up together.
Shayne is up next, and Matt is less than thrilled to see her. But he powers through the date, as they parasail in the waters of Barbados. At night, Shayne gives Matt the requisite gift for the last night. It’s a picture of her on the beach with “I love you” inscribed in the sand. He doesn’t respond with an “I love you” back, rather, upon prodding, says, “Without doubt, I’m falling in love with you too.” Weak. Clearly he’s just saying what he thinks he should say, and none of us believe it. Thank goodness, because I don’t know if I could handle it if they ended up together. I mean, barf.
And then they end up together.
The big moment arrives and Chelsea shows up first. Her dress isn’t that cute, but whatever. From the first words, I can tell Matt is breaking up with her. Vomit. I honestly did not need this mess this season. My heart is already broken; I didn’t need the television to kick me while I was already down. Amazing. I hate everyone.
Chelsea kind of blows it near the end when she says of Shayne, “She was the fakest one here.” Matt seemed a bit peeved by this, and they say their goodbyes. Chelsea is pissed. Goodbye forever.
Next, Shayne arrives looking pretty cute in a little yellow number with sequins. The babydoll dress is fitting for a baby. I tuned most of Matt’s speech out until he said this dream of a line: “Monkey, will you marry me?” Shayne, busting out her best (not good) acting chops, reacts with pure emotion, her knees buckle, and she accepts. Vomit. Barf. Spew.
But back to the positive note here: at least we know they won’t last.
Until next Monday,
Mike
Next Monday: The Bachelorette is back! Finally, lots of shirtless men and man drama. It’s been far too long. DeAnna still sucks, though.
And on to the genius that is The Bachelor: London Calling…
The episode begins in London, where the two remaining girls arrive to meet Matt and the Grant family, who are clearly quite well off. The first American to arrive is Chelsea, surely the inevitable winner of this season. He loves her, it’s obvious. After taking in a few London sights, the lovebirds arrive to the Grant family home. They are greeted by brother Simon, mom Trish, and dad Tony. Clearly Matt was the recipient of the hot genes. The mom was cute, the dad was mute, and the brother seemed fun. Kudos to dad for pulling off a turtleneck and blazer. The date wasn’t too eventful, but the family definitely took a liking to Chelsea. Her mom fulfilled every Brit’s duty by saying “lovely” on like 82 occasions. Lovely.
Next, the blonde bimbo arrives to London. This is Shayne’s first trip across the pond, and she thoroughly enjoys it. Clearly her parents were too busy being nipped and tucked to take their daughters on vacation…but that’s LA for you. After Matt babysits her through some London highlights, they arrive to the Grant home and the reaction is inevitable. Is she for real? Does Matt really like her? Simon seems to possess the same “honesty gene” as Matt, and fully admits to Shayne that he judged her upon meeting her. Amazing. Dad once again wears a turtleneck and blazer, but this time he says something! He asks Shayne how old she is, to which she responds, “12.” Right on. Couldn’t be more true. The inevitable “Monkey” is stated, and the two part ways. It’s so going to be Chelsea.
Back in Barbados, we have our final two dates before judgment day. Chelsea is first up to the plate once again. The lovers helicopter around the island, totally bone on the beach, and share one final night together before they become engaged. Chelsea gives Matt a “California Survival Kit” as a present, and it’s cute. She fully opens up and they confess to falling in love with each other. So sweet. So in love. So ending up together.
Shayne is up next, and Matt is less than thrilled to see her. But he powers through the date, as they parasail in the waters of Barbados. At night, Shayne gives Matt the requisite gift for the last night. It’s a picture of her on the beach with “I love you” inscribed in the sand. He doesn’t respond with an “I love you” back, rather, upon prodding, says, “Without doubt, I’m falling in love with you too.” Weak. Clearly he’s just saying what he thinks he should say, and none of us believe it. Thank goodness, because I don’t know if I could handle it if they ended up together. I mean, barf.
And then they end up together.
The big moment arrives and Chelsea shows up first. Her dress isn’t that cute, but whatever. From the first words, I can tell Matt is breaking up with her. Vomit. I honestly did not need this mess this season. My heart is already broken; I didn’t need the television to kick me while I was already down. Amazing. I hate everyone.
Chelsea kind of blows it near the end when she says of Shayne, “She was the fakest one here.” Matt seemed a bit peeved by this, and they say their goodbyes. Chelsea is pissed. Goodbye forever.
Next, Shayne arrives looking pretty cute in a little yellow number with sequins. The babydoll dress is fitting for a baby. I tuned most of Matt’s speech out until he said this dream of a line: “Monkey, will you marry me?” Shayne, busting out her best (not good) acting chops, reacts with pure emotion, her knees buckle, and she accepts. Vomit. Barf. Spew.
But back to the positive note here: at least we know they won’t last.
Until next Monday,
Mike
Next Monday: The Bachelorette is back! Finally, lots of shirtless men and man drama. It’s been far too long. DeAnna still sucks, though.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Blondes have more fun. Even with dark roots.
To bone, or not to bone? That is the question. It’s Fantasy Date Night, and we’re in Barbados! I’m secretly annoyed that ABC has chosen to host all three Fantasy Dates in the same location, but I understand that we are in lean financial times, and the Hilton Barbados simply must do for now. But honestly? Ain’t nothing Fantasy-like about an American chain hotel. Just sayin’…
Before the first date begins, ABC tries to fool us a bit by playing clips of the girls debating whether or not to bone Matt in the Fantasy Suite. I mean, honestly. We’re in season 82. We know that no one EVER refuses the chance to bone the bachelor. So stop toying with our emotions, and get to the dates already—which is exactly what I’ll do.
Shayne joins Matt on the beach for the beginning of Date One. I love how Matt is wearing full-length khakis while walking in the water. It’s all just a bit awkward to me. Hello? Poorly-paid wardrobe assistant? Where were you when his pants needed rolling? He was soaked and no one took care of him! Again, must be budget cuts…
Shayne is excited to be with Matt for their “first time out of the U.S.A.” Excuse me? Who says “U.S.A.”? It’s the “U.S.” or the “States,” or, if you’re feeling particularly nationalistic, “the country.” But it’s Shayne, and she’s dumb, so we forgive her.
The lovebirds then jet ski around the ocean while Shayne wears the most bizarre swimsuit I’ve ever seen. Since she’s of the portly variety, she clearly doesn’t want to bare skin (can you imagine how that could affect her “acting career?”). Thus, she chooses to sport some sort of 20s pin-up girl swimsuit/wrestling uniform, and looks like a goon.
After a fun day in the sun, Matt and Shayne have a romantic dinner during which Shayne teaches Matt how to kiss on-screen, like actors do. I love how she pretends like she knows. Please…this is her biggest acting gig to date. Shayne tells Matt, “I love being blonde, I’ve been blonde since I was, like, 12.” Amazing. Matt tells her that she’s his “little monkey.” After vomiting, I continue watching. Shayne lets it all out with the bomb: “I’m falling in love with you.” Matt responds with, “I’m falling for you too.” Notice the lack of “love.” Oops.
Matt “surprises” Shayne with the Fantasy Suit card from Chris Harrison, Shayne reads it aloud like a first grader sounding out her first multi-syllabic words, and the inevitable pool scene/champagne/bonefest ensues.
The next day, Amanda and Matt zip-line through the forests of Barbados. He calls her “honey,” she says “like” every five seconds. It’s really dreamy. It’s easy to notice the lack of chemistry here as everything just feels so forced. Amanda is guarded, Matt is more natural; it’s all rather forced. And I literally can’t stand listening to her talk. She’s an idiot. I really have nothing more to say. She fakes herself into wanting to fall in love with him, but anyone who acts like that is moronic if they consider that behavior “loving.”
The last date reunites another guarded one with her lover. Chelsea comes to the date with tons of baggage and it’s super awkward. What could have been a romantic day on a catamaran and swimming with wildlife turns into hours of awkward silence. Matt tries to coax Chelsea into opening up, Chelsea evades him, Matt falls in love with a turtle instead. (For those not familiar, they swam with sea turtles, and the turtles paid more attention to Matt than Chelsea did.) He’s totally upset about it, and not convinced that it’s even worth having dinner.
But, thanks to good editing, dinner was a hit! Chelsea opened up about her feelings for Matt, she confides in him her fears of being hurt, and she’s finally cute with him. Matt is so clearly in to her, and he’s super relieved. It was almost as if Matt was courting Chelsea on this date, as opposed to Chelsea trying to win his heart. You can tell he likes her.
During dinner, though, Matt may have crossed the line a bit with his honesty. He tells her that he’s more in to her than the other girls. Oops. They go to the Fantasy Suite, and she has a surprise for Matt. She slips into something more comfortable (literally, she puts on some lingerie), ABC gratuitously shows her remove her underwear, and they bone. Or at least they wanted to.
At the rose ceremony, Matt, seemingly distraught, chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Chelsea
And he sends Amanda packing. The goodbye was rather painful as Amanda was 100% pissed. She talks too much, continues saying “like” every five seconds, and just gets mad. I’m sure this made it all the easier for Matt to say goodbye, because she was plain annoying. “I’m, like, shocked right now…like…”
Awards:
1) Best couple: Chelsea and Matt
2) Dark horse: Chelsea
3) Going too far award: Matt. Simmer down on your honesty! Who wants an honest, open bachelor?
Until next week,
Mike
Before the first date begins, ABC tries to fool us a bit by playing clips of the girls debating whether or not to bone Matt in the Fantasy Suite. I mean, honestly. We’re in season 82. We know that no one EVER refuses the chance to bone the bachelor. So stop toying with our emotions, and get to the dates already—which is exactly what I’ll do.
Shayne joins Matt on the beach for the beginning of Date One. I love how Matt is wearing full-length khakis while walking in the water. It’s all just a bit awkward to me. Hello? Poorly-paid wardrobe assistant? Where were you when his pants needed rolling? He was soaked and no one took care of him! Again, must be budget cuts…
Shayne is excited to be with Matt for their “first time out of the U.S.A.” Excuse me? Who says “U.S.A.”? It’s the “U.S.” or the “States,” or, if you’re feeling particularly nationalistic, “the country.” But it’s Shayne, and she’s dumb, so we forgive her.
The lovebirds then jet ski around the ocean while Shayne wears the most bizarre swimsuit I’ve ever seen. Since she’s of the portly variety, she clearly doesn’t want to bare skin (can you imagine how that could affect her “acting career?”). Thus, she chooses to sport some sort of 20s pin-up girl swimsuit/wrestling uniform, and looks like a goon.
After a fun day in the sun, Matt and Shayne have a romantic dinner during which Shayne teaches Matt how to kiss on-screen, like actors do. I love how she pretends like she knows. Please…this is her biggest acting gig to date. Shayne tells Matt, “I love being blonde, I’ve been blonde since I was, like, 12.” Amazing. Matt tells her that she’s his “little monkey.” After vomiting, I continue watching. Shayne lets it all out with the bomb: “I’m falling in love with you.” Matt responds with, “I’m falling for you too.” Notice the lack of “love.” Oops.
Matt “surprises” Shayne with the Fantasy Suit card from Chris Harrison, Shayne reads it aloud like a first grader sounding out her first multi-syllabic words, and the inevitable pool scene/champagne/bonefest ensues.
The next day, Amanda and Matt zip-line through the forests of Barbados. He calls her “honey,” she says “like” every five seconds. It’s really dreamy. It’s easy to notice the lack of chemistry here as everything just feels so forced. Amanda is guarded, Matt is more natural; it’s all rather forced. And I literally can’t stand listening to her talk. She’s an idiot. I really have nothing more to say. She fakes herself into wanting to fall in love with him, but anyone who acts like that is moronic if they consider that behavior “loving.”
The last date reunites another guarded one with her lover. Chelsea comes to the date with tons of baggage and it’s super awkward. What could have been a romantic day on a catamaran and swimming with wildlife turns into hours of awkward silence. Matt tries to coax Chelsea into opening up, Chelsea evades him, Matt falls in love with a turtle instead. (For those not familiar, they swam with sea turtles, and the turtles paid more attention to Matt than Chelsea did.) He’s totally upset about it, and not convinced that it’s even worth having dinner.
But, thanks to good editing, dinner was a hit! Chelsea opened up about her feelings for Matt, she confides in him her fears of being hurt, and she’s finally cute with him. Matt is so clearly in to her, and he’s super relieved. It was almost as if Matt was courting Chelsea on this date, as opposed to Chelsea trying to win his heart. You can tell he likes her.
During dinner, though, Matt may have crossed the line a bit with his honesty. He tells her that he’s more in to her than the other girls. Oops. They go to the Fantasy Suite, and she has a surprise for Matt. She slips into something more comfortable (literally, she puts on some lingerie), ABC gratuitously shows her remove her underwear, and they bone. Or at least they wanted to.
At the rose ceremony, Matt, seemingly distraught, chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Chelsea
And he sends Amanda packing. The goodbye was rather painful as Amanda was 100% pissed. She talks too much, continues saying “like” every five seconds, and just gets mad. I’m sure this made it all the easier for Matt to say goodbye, because she was plain annoying. “I’m, like, shocked right now…like…”
Awards:
1) Best couple: Chelsea and Matt
2) Dark horse: Chelsea
3) Going too far award: Matt. Simmer down on your honesty! Who wants an honest, open bachelor?
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Lip-smacking goodness
So love still sucks. But we all move on, right?
This week’s episode always promises to be among the best of the season. Meeting the parents is always a big deal, and you never know what those crazies will throw at you. This season’s “hometown dates” episode provided ample opportunity to laugh at the idiocy that is humanity…so without further delay, I should go ahead and do that right now.
Our first hometown date keeps us right in the Southern California sun as we get to meet Shayne’s parents. Before I begin ripping them apart (just like their plastic surgeons do), I would like to thank Shayne’s parents for epitomizing everything everyone loathes about LA. They were plastic perfection, and I loved it! Oh, I’d also like to thank them for single-handedly keeping the plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills in business. But more on that later. And oh, there is so much to say…
Back to business. Matt and Shayne reunite at a restaurant in LA, and are soon joined by the incredibly famous Lorenzo Lamas…Shayne’s “famous” father (poor Shayne is a product of a broken home, so we must meet the ‘rents separately). Mr. Lamas looks like her brother. And yes, he is officially 50 (thank you IMDB). He also acts like her brother by blatantly throwing her under the bus as he states, “She wants to be an actress, but she wants to be a star more.” Amazing. It was so awkward. Her parents clearly held up the ideals of LA while raising her to value everything that matters: fame, blonde hair, and…fame? Basically Shayne’s dad is the personification of a douchebag, and I love it. Total DB.
And then we meet her mother. Oh. Mah. Gahhhhhhh. I would love to know how long it takes this woman to paint her face on each morning. From the pancake, to the sharpie—I mean—lip liner, to the hot pink lipstick to cover her collagen-infested smackers, it was all too much. And then there were her lumpy boobs. She was simply a vision, if by “vision” I mean hot tranny mess. Wait, maybe her mom is actually her dad. Was that Lorenzo Lamas under all that goop and blonde? Quite possibly. Shayne’s mom will be hereafter known as Lips McGee. Nothing in Ms. McGee’s house (or body) was real, and it was all too amazing. Her little sister, Dakotah (brilly), is a Shayne-in-the-making with blonde hair and dark roots just like Mom. It was all too much. Too much, I tell you! How Matt kept his composure is beyond me. Yet clearly Matt was duped by the fumes of the dye-jobs once again, because he totally likes her! Crazy. Never underestimate the power of a good agent/manager in Hollywood! Shayne has apparently signed a season-long deal with ABC! That’ll get her career going.
The next date finds Matt in Durango, Colorado with Chelsea. Honestly, I don’t remember anything about this date except Chelsea saying, “I don’t speak British.” She’s dumb. But her family’s condo has a nice view.
Matt stays in Colorado to visit the beautiful Noelle next. He meets up with her family in Loveland and they ride via horseback to picnic with her family. It’s Mom, Dad and two sisters. Noelle starts to open up to Matt, and they seem really cute together. The family was surprisingly normal and nice, so I just don’t have much to say. I know, bizarre. Well, Noelle was strikingly cuter than her sisters. Maybe that influenced Matt’s decision…
The last date was in Tallahassee, Florida, where Matt met up with Amanda. He goes to their house to meet her “parents,” and craziness ensues. I have no idea how Matt kept it together. Here’s the deal: Amanda hired actors to impersonate her parents, and they did a hell of a job being crazy people. Their marriage was a mess, the mom was a drunk (and a groper), and it was all too fun (and horrible) to watch. At one point, Amanda’s “mom” literally strokes Matt’s chest and kisses him on the lips all while exposing her ample cleavage. It was brilliant. Just as Matt looked like he was literally going to die, Amanda tells him the truth. Honestly, it was a bit awkward, but good for a laugh. Her real parents then come in, and the date is over. Literally, I don’t even remember what they looked like. So much for their 15 minutes of fame!
At the rose ceremony, Matt chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Amanda
3) Chelsea
Honestly, I was totally surprised to see Noelle go home. Matt basically told his sisters he was falling in love with her, and then he cans her. Sad. But kudos to Noelle, she had perhaps the most dignified exit of any bachelorette ever. No tears, honest words, very sweet.
Awards:
1) Hot Tranny Mess: Shayne’s plastic mom.
2) Best plastic surgery work: the doctors who molded Shayne’s mom and dad into what they are today! I think we’ve got some DaVincis on our hands, folks!
3) Quote of the year: “The higher your hopes, the further they fall.” – Noelle’s insight into break-ups. I’m totally remembering that one.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. Major props to Peth and Pustin Jaschal for hosting the viewing last night! I love their dog ‘Ilo.
This week’s episode always promises to be among the best of the season. Meeting the parents is always a big deal, and you never know what those crazies will throw at you. This season’s “hometown dates” episode provided ample opportunity to laugh at the idiocy that is humanity…so without further delay, I should go ahead and do that right now.
Our first hometown date keeps us right in the Southern California sun as we get to meet Shayne’s parents. Before I begin ripping them apart (just like their plastic surgeons do), I would like to thank Shayne’s parents for epitomizing everything everyone loathes about LA. They were plastic perfection, and I loved it! Oh, I’d also like to thank them for single-handedly keeping the plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills in business. But more on that later. And oh, there is so much to say…
Back to business. Matt and Shayne reunite at a restaurant in LA, and are soon joined by the incredibly famous Lorenzo Lamas…Shayne’s “famous” father (poor Shayne is a product of a broken home, so we must meet the ‘rents separately). Mr. Lamas looks like her brother. And yes, he is officially 50 (thank you IMDB). He also acts like her brother by blatantly throwing her under the bus as he states, “She wants to be an actress, but she wants to be a star more.” Amazing. It was so awkward. Her parents clearly held up the ideals of LA while raising her to value everything that matters: fame, blonde hair, and…fame? Basically Shayne’s dad is the personification of a douchebag, and I love it. Total DB.
And then we meet her mother. Oh. Mah. Gahhhhhhh. I would love to know how long it takes this woman to paint her face on each morning. From the pancake, to the sharpie—I mean—lip liner, to the hot pink lipstick to cover her collagen-infested smackers, it was all too much. And then there were her lumpy boobs. She was simply a vision, if by “vision” I mean hot tranny mess. Wait, maybe her mom is actually her dad. Was that Lorenzo Lamas under all that goop and blonde? Quite possibly. Shayne’s mom will be hereafter known as Lips McGee. Nothing in Ms. McGee’s house (or body) was real, and it was all too amazing. Her little sister, Dakotah (brilly), is a Shayne-in-the-making with blonde hair and dark roots just like Mom. It was all too much. Too much, I tell you! How Matt kept his composure is beyond me. Yet clearly Matt was duped by the fumes of the dye-jobs once again, because he totally likes her! Crazy. Never underestimate the power of a good agent/manager in Hollywood! Shayne has apparently signed a season-long deal with ABC! That’ll get her career going.
The next date finds Matt in Durango, Colorado with Chelsea. Honestly, I don’t remember anything about this date except Chelsea saying, “I don’t speak British.” She’s dumb. But her family’s condo has a nice view.
Matt stays in Colorado to visit the beautiful Noelle next. He meets up with her family in Loveland and they ride via horseback to picnic with her family. It’s Mom, Dad and two sisters. Noelle starts to open up to Matt, and they seem really cute together. The family was surprisingly normal and nice, so I just don’t have much to say. I know, bizarre. Well, Noelle was strikingly cuter than her sisters. Maybe that influenced Matt’s decision…
The last date was in Tallahassee, Florida, where Matt met up with Amanda. He goes to their house to meet her “parents,” and craziness ensues. I have no idea how Matt kept it together. Here’s the deal: Amanda hired actors to impersonate her parents, and they did a hell of a job being crazy people. Their marriage was a mess, the mom was a drunk (and a groper), and it was all too fun (and horrible) to watch. At one point, Amanda’s “mom” literally strokes Matt’s chest and kisses him on the lips all while exposing her ample cleavage. It was brilliant. Just as Matt looked like he was literally going to die, Amanda tells him the truth. Honestly, it was a bit awkward, but good for a laugh. Her real parents then come in, and the date is over. Literally, I don’t even remember what they looked like. So much for their 15 minutes of fame!
At the rose ceremony, Matt chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Amanda
3) Chelsea
Honestly, I was totally surprised to see Noelle go home. Matt basically told his sisters he was falling in love with her, and then he cans her. Sad. But kudos to Noelle, she had perhaps the most dignified exit of any bachelorette ever. No tears, honest words, very sweet.
Awards:
1) Hot Tranny Mess: Shayne’s plastic mom.
2) Best plastic surgery work: the doctors who molded Shayne’s mom and dad into what they are today! I think we’ve got some DaVincis on our hands, folks!
3) Quote of the year: “The higher your hopes, the further they fall.” – Noelle’s insight into break-ups. I’m totally remembering that one.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. Major props to Peth and Pustin Jaschal for hosting the viewing last night! I love their dog ‘Ilo.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Break-ups suck...I'm just sayin'
After spending the morning in the beautiful state of New Jersey (please note hefty dose of sarcasm), I am back and ready to blog. You can thank me later.
Episode five involved a trip to Sun Valley, ID, for some skiing, skating, and sketchy behavior. Isn’t it fun that ABC has once again incorporated a travel budget? Remember last season when meeting family dates happened on set and none of the trips were fun? I do. It sucked. But thank goodness our economy is roaring and ABC is able to frivolously entertain us with fun destinations for drama.
The girls were excited to arrive to the winter wonderland, all dolled up in matching coats. Hilarious! Then everyone tackles each other, and it’s a nice moment of forced fun for us all.
The first date was a one-on-one with Chelsea. Is she affectionate? Does she have a romantic side? These were questions to which our Matthew needed answers, and he got them. Girl hates PDA, doesn’t like to hold hands, and acts like a dude. But he throws a humdinger of a line in there anyway: “My parents will love you.” Okay, not fair. Sweet nothings that hint at a future together make it hard for the scorned to get over you. Trust me…I’m not bitter. I promise. For real…everything’s fine with me. No broken heart here! Oops…sidetracked…
Anyway, Matt makes out with Chelsea anyway and she treats him to her very own “Fantasy Suite” invitation. Wait, isn’t that two episodes from now?
The next date is the group date. Amanda, Robin, Marshana and Shayne go skiing with Matt on the snowy slopes. Amanda and Marshana can’t ski, and it’s funny. Amanda is cute about it; Marshana complains. Shayne checks her makeup with skiing and Robin interrupts, a skill that she seems to have perfected. It’s all very predictable. The inevitable pool scene follows.
The last date is a one-on-one with Noelle. They skate and talk about facial injuries (apparently I’m oblivious to their shared pasts) and nothing happens. So fun!
Meanwhile, back at the manse…Marshana pulls out her attitude card and cashes that baby in! She calls out the other hoes when they accuse her of being negative. It was definitely the “most dramatic encounter ever.” Again, please note sarcasm. I just love Chris Harrison and his platitudes.
The pre-rose ceremony is pretty predictable as well. Marshana complains to Matt about how the girls picked on her, Chelsea interrupts and they awkwardly kiss, Robin is annoying, blah blah blah.
And then, the “most dramatic rose ceremony ever.”
1) Shayne
2) Noelle
3) Chelsea
4) Amanda
Adios to Robin and Marshana. We knew they wouldn’t last, although I’m bummed America can’t see Holland, MI next week on TV. Y’all would have loved the windmills and tulips and overall Dutch-ness of it all! The hometown visit could have caused a worldwide craze for wooden shoes, but we’ll have to wait for something else to do that. Like me.
Awards:
1) Most drama: Marshana
2) Spoiler of everything: Robin
3) Rupaul look-alike: Marshana. Tell me you agree!
Until next week,
Mike
Episode five involved a trip to Sun Valley, ID, for some skiing, skating, and sketchy behavior. Isn’t it fun that ABC has once again incorporated a travel budget? Remember last season when meeting family dates happened on set and none of the trips were fun? I do. It sucked. But thank goodness our economy is roaring and ABC is able to frivolously entertain us with fun destinations for drama.
The girls were excited to arrive to the winter wonderland, all dolled up in matching coats. Hilarious! Then everyone tackles each other, and it’s a nice moment of forced fun for us all.
The first date was a one-on-one with Chelsea. Is she affectionate? Does she have a romantic side? These were questions to which our Matthew needed answers, and he got them. Girl hates PDA, doesn’t like to hold hands, and acts like a dude. But he throws a humdinger of a line in there anyway: “My parents will love you.” Okay, not fair. Sweet nothings that hint at a future together make it hard for the scorned to get over you. Trust me…I’m not bitter. I promise. For real…everything’s fine with me. No broken heart here! Oops…sidetracked…
Anyway, Matt makes out with Chelsea anyway and she treats him to her very own “Fantasy Suite” invitation. Wait, isn’t that two episodes from now?
The next date is the group date. Amanda, Robin, Marshana and Shayne go skiing with Matt on the snowy slopes. Amanda and Marshana can’t ski, and it’s funny. Amanda is cute about it; Marshana complains. Shayne checks her makeup with skiing and Robin interrupts, a skill that she seems to have perfected. It’s all very predictable. The inevitable pool scene follows.
The last date is a one-on-one with Noelle. They skate and talk about facial injuries (apparently I’m oblivious to their shared pasts) and nothing happens. So fun!
Meanwhile, back at the manse…Marshana pulls out her attitude card and cashes that baby in! She calls out the other hoes when they accuse her of being negative. It was definitely the “most dramatic encounter ever.” Again, please note sarcasm. I just love Chris Harrison and his platitudes.
The pre-rose ceremony is pretty predictable as well. Marshana complains to Matt about how the girls picked on her, Chelsea interrupts and they awkwardly kiss, Robin is annoying, blah blah blah.
And then, the “most dramatic rose ceremony ever.”
1) Shayne
2) Noelle
3) Chelsea
4) Amanda
Adios to Robin and Marshana. We knew they wouldn’t last, although I’m bummed America can’t see Holland, MI next week on TV. Y’all would have loved the windmills and tulips and overall Dutch-ness of it all! The hometown visit could have caused a worldwide craze for wooden shoes, but we’ll have to wait for something else to do that. Like me.
Awards:
1) Most drama: Marshana
2) Spoiler of everything: Robin
3) Rupaul look-alike: Marshana. Tell me you agree!
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Guest Bloggers!!
As I inevitably do once a season, I have let you down this week. I could not watch the show last night. Get over it.
But...we have guest bloggers!! Two devoted Bachelorites took it upon themselves to blog the show last night in my absence. Let me introduce you all to Chikki Nabre, and Webe Apgar Philliams!
Part One: by Chikki Nabre. It comes in two parts. Her insights are highly-valued and astute and submitted via Blackberry device; hence the short quips.
Part One.
A. Seriously what's with the singing? Do they think that this is American idol? Don't they know it's America's top slut?
B. Ashlee may be the dumbest girl ever. Her laugh is ridiculous.
C. Wait is Amanda normal? I'm confused. I didn't think that they let normal people on this show?D. Pick me pick me pick me. Wait what? Seriously. Are you really that insecure and scary? Dude it's like week 4. Get it together.
Part Deux.
Ok Matt and Holly have an awesome connection and she's sweet but don't really think that she's the one who is going to "ask the difficult questions"
Wait what? He chose Marshana? Did not see that coming! But it kind of makes me like him more. She's super nice and sweet but not all that smart.
Wait he asks real smart questions. I like it.
Noelle seems like she's normal. I wonder if she is the sleeper crier / freak out girl.
Kelly is a drunk. And ps. He'll meet another girl like you. It's called last call at the dive bar.
Ok we know who the 2 are I think. Kelly the drunk and Ashlee our naïve hillbilly.Like his good strong handshake.
Ok wait I might be crushing on him. Ps. Kelly you're not the best. Hate to be the one to break it to you.
Sad Ashlee I feel like I am in a bad high school mini series. She wrote him a song. How could he not choose her?! :)
And to introduce our second guest blogger, Webe Apgar Philliams.
I can recap the Bachelor for you (please note it was the first episode I watched, so some of these observations will fall into the Captain Obvious category):
Our British Bachelor is beginning to understand that when he asked for 22-year-old hotties, he opened himself up to receiving some of the greenest, dumbest, most un-worldly lasses ever to hit the bachelor stage, but his attempts to "roll with it" range from the touching to the nauseating. My favorite parts were him explaining the meaning of the terms "a good sport" and "taking things in stride" to our American hot messes -- clearly very advanced turns of phrase with which only the most high-born European nobles are familiar.
A lot of other boring crap happened, including him not being able to dance, the brunette Robin being hated by all, and the girls attempting to impress him with their knowledge of tea and how long they can do handstands.
He booted the warbly singer chick Ashlee and the party girl who he basically accused of being a lesbian (Kelly) , as well as one of the vapid blondes (possibly Holly). This season is a train wreck and I am so much dumber for having watched it.
---
Okay, back to me. there you have it folks, two amazing bloggers!!
We're down to six hoes:
Amanda
Chelsea
Marshana
Noelle
Robin
Shayne
May the best trainwreck win!
Until next week,
Mike
But...we have guest bloggers!! Two devoted Bachelorites took it upon themselves to blog the show last night in my absence. Let me introduce you all to Chikki Nabre, and Webe Apgar Philliams!
Part One: by Chikki Nabre. It comes in two parts. Her insights are highly-valued and astute and submitted via Blackberry device; hence the short quips.
Part One.
A. Seriously what's with the singing? Do they think that this is American idol? Don't they know it's America's top slut?
B. Ashlee may be the dumbest girl ever. Her laugh is ridiculous.
C. Wait is Amanda normal? I'm confused. I didn't think that they let normal people on this show?D. Pick me pick me pick me. Wait what? Seriously. Are you really that insecure and scary? Dude it's like week 4. Get it together.
Part Deux.
Ok Matt and Holly have an awesome connection and she's sweet but don't really think that she's the one who is going to "ask the difficult questions"
Wait what? He chose Marshana? Did not see that coming! But it kind of makes me like him more. She's super nice and sweet but not all that smart.
Wait he asks real smart questions. I like it.
Noelle seems like she's normal. I wonder if she is the sleeper crier / freak out girl.
Kelly is a drunk. And ps. He'll meet another girl like you. It's called last call at the dive bar.
Ok we know who the 2 are I think. Kelly the drunk and Ashlee our naïve hillbilly.Like his good strong handshake.
Ok wait I might be crushing on him. Ps. Kelly you're not the best. Hate to be the one to break it to you.
Sad Ashlee I feel like I am in a bad high school mini series. She wrote him a song. How could he not choose her?! :)
And to introduce our second guest blogger, Webe Apgar Philliams.
I can recap the Bachelor for you (please note it was the first episode I watched, so some of these observations will fall into the Captain Obvious category):
Our British Bachelor is beginning to understand that when he asked for 22-year-old hotties, he opened himself up to receiving some of the greenest, dumbest, most un-worldly lasses ever to hit the bachelor stage, but his attempts to "roll with it" range from the touching to the nauseating. My favorite parts were him explaining the meaning of the terms "a good sport" and "taking things in stride" to our American hot messes -- clearly very advanced turns of phrase with which only the most high-born European nobles are familiar.
A lot of other boring crap happened, including him not being able to dance, the brunette Robin being hated by all, and the girls attempting to impress him with their knowledge of tea and how long they can do handstands.
He booted the warbly singer chick Ashlee and the party girl who he basically accused of being a lesbian (Kelly) , as well as one of the vapid blondes (possibly Holly). This season is a train wreck and I am so much dumber for having watched it.
---
Okay, back to me. there you have it folks, two amazing bloggers!!
We're down to six hoes:
Amanda
Chelsea
Marshana
Noelle
Robin
Shayne
May the best trainwreck win!
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Down to 9
This episode offered many firsts of the season: the first hot tub scene; the first shirtless shot; the first staged movie premiere, you get the picture. There wasn’t too much drama last night, but we all had fun drinking wine and mocking everyone on TV all the same, didn’t we? Or was that just me?
In order to narrow the field of b*tches contending for Matt’s love, there were two one-on-one dates and one group date last night. The lucky winner of one-on-one date number one (wow, lots of “ones” in that sentence) was Holly, the perky blonde who writes children’s books. After the first episode in which she sported unnecessarily perky boobs, I’m starting to like her more. In fact, she seems quite cute and normal, with “normal” being an incredibly relative term here. The date found them at the “premiere” of the movie that apparently sponsored this episode of the Bachelor, “Made of Honor,” starring the very lovable Patrick Dempsey. Gotta love the marketing/advertising world! Sadly, said premiere was an event staged entirely by the show’s producers, complete with hired paparazzi, a fake red carpet, and TV hosts interviewing the premiere’s only attendees: Matt and Holly. It was amazingly embarrassing for me to watch, but whatever. They dipped their paws in cement and wrote cute things like “Matt + Holly” and other silliness. Then they went into the theatre and watched the movie alone while being filmed. Who wants to watch a movie with a big camera light in your face? “Not me,” says the handsome gentleman typing up this blog.
After the movie, the lovebirds go to the Roosevelt Hotel to imbibe, to take a hot tub (we could have used more of Matt’s bod, thankyouverymuch), and to make out a bit. It was all pretty cute, and Matt is clearly a good kisser. Here’s my note: Matt, get over yourself and show us your body. We realize you’re not a triathlete like the previous Officer and a Gentleman, but we’re fine with your somewhat doughy British bod. I mean, that’s what we signed up for, right? We get that you like a crumpet now and then…so just let us see! Matt ends the date by giving Holly a rose, and she’s happy as can be.
The second date brings a bunch of ladies together for a game of “football,” or as we employees of a certain all-American fashion company like to call it, Rugby. The gals looked cute all sported up in their rugby shirts and requisite booty shorts. And as we know, no season of the Bachelor would be complete without the Injury of the Season. Thus, Marshana bit the bullet and bit her lip for the camera so as to fool us into thinking there was really going to be some sort of emergency this episode. Barf. I must say, some girls looked hot in their sporty gear. Noelle, for instance, looked like supermodel, and I loved her. Kinda wanted to make out with her, in fact. I’m not kidding. Legitimate girl crush right here folks.
After the game we had the inevitable massages and fighting for one-on-one time. Robin won that battle as she was given the rose, and Kelly, the massaging drunk, was annoyed.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, crazy Shayne and Holly bond over spray tans. Okay, Holly’s stock went down just a touch when she admitted that she brought her own spray tanner. I’m sorry, what? Who owns a professional-grade spray tanner? And what does one do with a spray tanner all alone? Thoroughly confused…
Lastly, we have the second one-on-one date on which Shayne joins Matt in a hot car and they go wine tasting. Let me start with the outfit. She tramps it up in a little black dress paired with heinous, let me repeat, heinous, white boots. She looked like a street walker a la “Pretty Woman,” and girlfriend can’t compete with Julia Roberts. Thus, she resembled a legitimate ho from Hollywood Boulevard. Then she jumps into defending her career and family once again, trying to play off that her dad really isn’t famous, and he’s just “normal.” Well, clearly he’s normal, since I’ve never heard of him and he’s a big fat flop. Um, Shayne? Your famous dad isn’t famous. Newsflash. He was on “Renegade” for God’s sake. When did that air, 1982? The rest of the date goes as planned until Matt pretends like he actually likes her, and gives her a rose. This is insanity. Does he really like her? I think not. He treats her like a child, which she is, and that does not a marriage make.
Matt arrives at the rose ceremony in a nice brown/pink suit combo, looking like a dapper Brit. The hoes go at each other in typical fashion, and at the end of it, we’re left with nine.
1) Holly
2) Robin
3) Shayne
4) Amanda
5) Ashlee
6) Kelly
7) Chelsea
8) Noelle
9) Marshana (Making major strides, people! This is a record! Our world is changing!)
We wave goodbye to: Erin S., Amy, and Kristine. Wait, who remembered Amy and Kristine? I didn’t even recognize them. We wish Erin the best of luck in her continued quest to sell tasty hot dogs.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Supermodel: Noelle
2) House Drunk: Kelly. Has she ever uttered a sober word since arriving?
3) One Sandwich Short of a Picnic: Shayne. Kudos to Matt for that saying.
4) Most “real” bachelor ever: Matt. Love his sincerity. Too fun.
Until next week,
Mike
In order to narrow the field of b*tches contending for Matt’s love, there were two one-on-one dates and one group date last night. The lucky winner of one-on-one date number one (wow, lots of “ones” in that sentence) was Holly, the perky blonde who writes children’s books. After the first episode in which she sported unnecessarily perky boobs, I’m starting to like her more. In fact, she seems quite cute and normal, with “normal” being an incredibly relative term here. The date found them at the “premiere” of the movie that apparently sponsored this episode of the Bachelor, “Made of Honor,” starring the very lovable Patrick Dempsey. Gotta love the marketing/advertising world! Sadly, said premiere was an event staged entirely by the show’s producers, complete with hired paparazzi, a fake red carpet, and TV hosts interviewing the premiere’s only attendees: Matt and Holly. It was amazingly embarrassing for me to watch, but whatever. They dipped their paws in cement and wrote cute things like “Matt + Holly” and other silliness. Then they went into the theatre and watched the movie alone while being filmed. Who wants to watch a movie with a big camera light in your face? “Not me,” says the handsome gentleman typing up this blog.
After the movie, the lovebirds go to the Roosevelt Hotel to imbibe, to take a hot tub (we could have used more of Matt’s bod, thankyouverymuch), and to make out a bit. It was all pretty cute, and Matt is clearly a good kisser. Here’s my note: Matt, get over yourself and show us your body. We realize you’re not a triathlete like the previous Officer and a Gentleman, but we’re fine with your somewhat doughy British bod. I mean, that’s what we signed up for, right? We get that you like a crumpet now and then…so just let us see! Matt ends the date by giving Holly a rose, and she’s happy as can be.
The second date brings a bunch of ladies together for a game of “football,” or as we employees of a certain all-American fashion company like to call it, Rugby. The gals looked cute all sported up in their rugby shirts and requisite booty shorts. And as we know, no season of the Bachelor would be complete without the Injury of the Season. Thus, Marshana bit the bullet and bit her lip for the camera so as to fool us into thinking there was really going to be some sort of emergency this episode. Barf. I must say, some girls looked hot in their sporty gear. Noelle, for instance, looked like supermodel, and I loved her. Kinda wanted to make out with her, in fact. I’m not kidding. Legitimate girl crush right here folks.
After the game we had the inevitable massages and fighting for one-on-one time. Robin won that battle as she was given the rose, and Kelly, the massaging drunk, was annoyed.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, crazy Shayne and Holly bond over spray tans. Okay, Holly’s stock went down just a touch when she admitted that she brought her own spray tanner. I’m sorry, what? Who owns a professional-grade spray tanner? And what does one do with a spray tanner all alone? Thoroughly confused…
Lastly, we have the second one-on-one date on which Shayne joins Matt in a hot car and they go wine tasting. Let me start with the outfit. She tramps it up in a little black dress paired with heinous, let me repeat, heinous, white boots. She looked like a street walker a la “Pretty Woman,” and girlfriend can’t compete with Julia Roberts. Thus, she resembled a legitimate ho from Hollywood Boulevard. Then she jumps into defending her career and family once again, trying to play off that her dad really isn’t famous, and he’s just “normal.” Well, clearly he’s normal, since I’ve never heard of him and he’s a big fat flop. Um, Shayne? Your famous dad isn’t famous. Newsflash. He was on “Renegade” for God’s sake. When did that air, 1982? The rest of the date goes as planned until Matt pretends like he actually likes her, and gives her a rose. This is insanity. Does he really like her? I think not. He treats her like a child, which she is, and that does not a marriage make.
Matt arrives at the rose ceremony in a nice brown/pink suit combo, looking like a dapper Brit. The hoes go at each other in typical fashion, and at the end of it, we’re left with nine.
1) Holly
2) Robin
3) Shayne
4) Amanda
5) Ashlee
6) Kelly
7) Chelsea
8) Noelle
9) Marshana (Making major strides, people! This is a record! Our world is changing!)
We wave goodbye to: Erin S., Amy, and Kristine. Wait, who remembered Amy and Kristine? I didn’t even recognize them. We wish Erin the best of luck in her continued quest to sell tasty hot dogs.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Supermodel: Noelle
2) House Drunk: Kelly. Has she ever uttered a sober word since arriving?
3) One Sandwich Short of a Picnic: Shayne. Kudos to Matt for that saying.
4) Most “real” bachelor ever: Matt. Love his sincerity. Too fun.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Cat-Sitter Available
Let this be a lesson…
Mondays are just so much better when you have a horrible TV show to look forward to, don’t you think? It seems as though the crazy has set in early this season, as the remaining 15 ladies begin to woo Matt with their looks, their drinking prowess, their talent (or lack thereof), and their insanity. What a dream it must be to be a strapping Londoner faced with the prospect of babysitting crazy American chicks. Poor chap. With that, let’s get to the show.
Tonight is our night of first group dates and the impending reactions we’ve all come to expect by now (e.g. tasty treats like, “I don’t want to share him with 14 other girls,” and “This is getting real,” and “I don’t deserve this,” blah blah blah). One winning tramp played this role to a “T” last night, and her name is Shayne, the actress. But more on that later.
The first date found Ashlee, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H., and Holly strutting their stuff at a fashion show for Matt. This was classic female degradation, and I loved every minute of it. Nothing like slutting it up to win some random guy’s heart! It’s probably not the best way to get to know someone, but it’s entertainment, and I’m fine by that. So was Matt, as he watched the trainwrecks work (or not so much work) the runway for him. He was looking good in his purple sweater, by the way.
After the fashion show, the girls become themselves again. And that means crazy. Michelle, clearly a musical virtuoso, serenades him with a creepy song that included lyrics like “I want you to touch me,” and I blushed (please recall her touching clarinet solo in Week One). Ugh. Ashlee snags the first kiss and then the first rose, and then acts like a 12-year-old with no concept of humility as she jumps around screaming “I got the rose” in front of the other rejects. It was fantastic.
The second group date finds the rest of the pack traveling to Vegas for a little gambling in game of love. Matt sets up a contest in which the winner gets to spend 30 minutes alone with him, and Kelly wins. She’s wasted, and it’s classic “Bachelor.” Matt’s babysitting continues when Shayne tests out her acting skills and gets all typical by freaking out about competing against others for his love. I love his reaction. He’s like, “You knew what you signed up for, you idiot.” Okay, he didn’t say that exactly, but that’s what he meant. Then Chelsea gets the first rose despite her ears and horrible top. Then we get to see Shayne break down more in the inevitable first date drama. Shayne, let me prevent a career full of heartbreak right here and now: you’re a horrible actress, and you’re never going to get work in LA. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
The pre-Rose-Ceremony cocktails provide some more entertainment as the serenading continues. Carri sings the most GOD AWFUL rendition of “Summertime,” and I mute the television. First off, she calls her singing “Opera.” Second, she sounds like a dying frog. Third, she’s going home and teaching all future disasters a lesson: STOP WITH THE SINGING AND/OR TALENT CONTEST! It embarrasses us all. Save your talents for the shower. Then Matt calls Shayne out on being an actress and questions her motivation for the show. It’s brilliant.
The roses go to:
1) Ashlee, who wears a choker and bad hair
2) Chelsea
3) Robin
4) Holly
5) Erin S.
6) Amanda
7) Kelly
8) Amy
9) Kristine
10) Marshana
11) Noelle
12) Shayne, who has clearly gotten a three-episode contract thanks to her manager.
We say farewell to the two singers, Michelle and Carri, and also wave goodbye to Erin H., who I thought was fun. But wait…
Michelle’s consolation speech will go down in history as quite possibly the most amazing/future-ruining speech in the history of this great world in which we live. And I quote: “I’m going to go home to my cat…It will be good to hear a purr again…She is the love of my life right now.”
Oh.
My.
Gah…
DING DING DING!!! Someone alert all males in the world, Michelle is a Crazy Cat Lady. Steer clear of impending insanity, sweater knitting, and feline breeding! This woman is a crazed loony tune in the making! I mean literally, I can’t even think of enough comments to fully capture my reaction to her cat-crazed lunacy. It was just divine. Thank you, Michelle, for ending this episode on a good note. And no, I’m not interested in adopting a cat. Please spay or neuter your pets, and quite possibly spay yourself in the process.
Until next week,
Mike
Mondays are just so much better when you have a horrible TV show to look forward to, don’t you think? It seems as though the crazy has set in early this season, as the remaining 15 ladies begin to woo Matt with their looks, their drinking prowess, their talent (or lack thereof), and their insanity. What a dream it must be to be a strapping Londoner faced with the prospect of babysitting crazy American chicks. Poor chap. With that, let’s get to the show.
Tonight is our night of first group dates and the impending reactions we’ve all come to expect by now (e.g. tasty treats like, “I don’t want to share him with 14 other girls,” and “This is getting real,” and “I don’t deserve this,” blah blah blah). One winning tramp played this role to a “T” last night, and her name is Shayne, the actress. But more on that later.
The first date found Ashlee, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H., and Holly strutting their stuff at a fashion show for Matt. This was classic female degradation, and I loved every minute of it. Nothing like slutting it up to win some random guy’s heart! It’s probably not the best way to get to know someone, but it’s entertainment, and I’m fine by that. So was Matt, as he watched the trainwrecks work (or not so much work) the runway for him. He was looking good in his purple sweater, by the way.
After the fashion show, the girls become themselves again. And that means crazy. Michelle, clearly a musical virtuoso, serenades him with a creepy song that included lyrics like “I want you to touch me,” and I blushed (please recall her touching clarinet solo in Week One). Ugh. Ashlee snags the first kiss and then the first rose, and then acts like a 12-year-old with no concept of humility as she jumps around screaming “I got the rose” in front of the other rejects. It was fantastic.
The second group date finds the rest of the pack traveling to Vegas for a little gambling in game of love. Matt sets up a contest in which the winner gets to spend 30 minutes alone with him, and Kelly wins. She’s wasted, and it’s classic “Bachelor.” Matt’s babysitting continues when Shayne tests out her acting skills and gets all typical by freaking out about competing against others for his love. I love his reaction. He’s like, “You knew what you signed up for, you idiot.” Okay, he didn’t say that exactly, but that’s what he meant. Then Chelsea gets the first rose despite her ears and horrible top. Then we get to see Shayne break down more in the inevitable first date drama. Shayne, let me prevent a career full of heartbreak right here and now: you’re a horrible actress, and you’re never going to get work in LA. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
The pre-Rose-Ceremony cocktails provide some more entertainment as the serenading continues. Carri sings the most GOD AWFUL rendition of “Summertime,” and I mute the television. First off, she calls her singing “Opera.” Second, she sounds like a dying frog. Third, she’s going home and teaching all future disasters a lesson: STOP WITH THE SINGING AND/OR TALENT CONTEST! It embarrasses us all. Save your talents for the shower. Then Matt calls Shayne out on being an actress and questions her motivation for the show. It’s brilliant.
The roses go to:
1) Ashlee, who wears a choker and bad hair
2) Chelsea
3) Robin
4) Holly
5) Erin S.
6) Amanda
7) Kelly
8) Amy
9) Kristine
10) Marshana
11) Noelle
12) Shayne, who has clearly gotten a three-episode contract thanks to her manager.
We say farewell to the two singers, Michelle and Carri, and also wave goodbye to Erin H., who I thought was fun. But wait…
Michelle’s consolation speech will go down in history as quite possibly the most amazing/future-ruining speech in the history of this great world in which we live. And I quote: “I’m going to go home to my cat…It will be good to hear a purr again…She is the love of my life right now.”
Oh.
My.
Gah…
DING DING DING!!! Someone alert all males in the world, Michelle is a Crazy Cat Lady. Steer clear of impending insanity, sweater knitting, and feline breeding! This woman is a crazed loony tune in the making! I mean literally, I can’t even think of enough comments to fully capture my reaction to her cat-crazed lunacy. It was just divine. Thank you, Michelle, for ending this episode on a good note. And no, I’m not interested in adopting a cat. Please spay or neuter your pets, and quite possibly spay yourself in the process.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
It's back. It's international. It's the Bachelor.
So our favorite show is back and so am I. It’s our first international bachelor, and we all couldn’t be more excited. (Unless, of course, this show was actually any good, in which case my career as blogger would be more prolific and internationally-recognized.)
Let me begin with a caveat related to this season: my posts may not be as ridiculously well-timed as those of past seasons. I am now even more famous and busy and important than I once was (currently revolutionizing the world of fashion), and I simply cannot keep up with the demands of my fast-paced life. But I will post reviews and they will be amazing, witty, and well-done. Basically, I'm famous and you all know it, thus my timing matters not!
Ladies and gents, please meet Matthew Grant. He be lookin’ real good.
As for the ladies…well…they’re fine, I guess. If by fine you mean a big fat hot mess.
After the intro by our friend Chris Harrison, we were all in love with Matt and ready to meet the ladies. Twenty-five of them arrived, and about three are worth remembering. The other 22? Hot messes. (Thank you Christian Siriano from Project Runway. We love you, you’re a hot tranny mess.)
There is no need for me to get too into evaluating each girl, as they all look the same after 82 seasons. Although, I must say, I believe this season has offered up the most fake boobs ever, and the most creative career choices. I was impressed! My favorite set of knockers were the tennis ball boobs that occupied the chest of Holly, the children’s book author from Ohio. Her rack looked like it was going to burst! Amazing.
So let’s get to the show. I love the first episode because these crazy cats just throw themselves at a man of which they know next to nothing. It’s amazing. It’s feminism at its finest. It’s pure class…God Bless America.
Denise engaged the Brit in a political conversation in which she exposed her love for “President” Bush and her first boss, Karl Rove. What is her agenda? To paint herself as the devil? To stand up for all that makes America horrible? To get booted off in the first episode? Yes, yes and yes.
Then, Carri, the Church Marketer, bites into a beer can. Enough said.
Ashlee tries to pull a Jewel and sings to Matt. Michelle plays the clarinet and looks like a band geek with her neck strap. What, did she just finish her stint as first chair clarinetist in the marching band?
And then…Stacey, who is now officially Ms. Hot Tranny Mess, enters the scene. I mean, she’s a mess regardless, but she might possibly be a tranny as well. Her heinous dress, inflated breasts and oversized back tattoo are nothing on her overarching success as simply trash. She gropes Matt, calls him “Baby” and “Honey,” and tells him about her Bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and how she hopes to find a “pharmaceutical to cure a disease we don’t even know about” or some sh*t. Are you kidding? Are you talking? She also doesn’t know much about the city of London. A real bright one, folks.
Shayne epitomizes the LA girl. Vacant, vapid and voluptuous with blonde hair to match her equally blonde intellect. She seems like a real deep one, let me tell you. She’s also an “actress.” Ooh! But, since Matt is a guy, he likes her.
At this point, my favorites are: Amanda R. and Robin. Robin is from my stomping ground of Holland, MI. In case you have forgotten, you ain’t much if you ain’t Dutch. It’s my mantra in life, and I suggest you make it yours. Matt agrees that Amanda is cute, and he gives her the First Impression Rose.
After a night of boozing, Matt selects the following ladies to officially be his suitors.
Amanda R
Chelsea
Shayne
Michelle P
Marshana
Ashlee
Noelle
Erin S
Amy
Carri
Kristine
Robin
Kelly
Holly
Erin H
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Best Job: Hot Dog Vendor, Erin S. Don’t even get me started on the jokes I can make about that one. Hopefully she’ll play a little “Hide the hot dog” with Matt sometime soon.
--Runners Up (and oh, there were so many): Church Marketer, Former Bush Aide, Law Student in Vegas (what, she plays Cops and Robbers on stage at a strip club?)…
2) Worst Dress: Kristine’s. She looked like a sea shell.
3) Best Dress: Amanda R’s. Loved that navy number.
4) Best quote: “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate,” Michelle P. (in reference to her clarinet reed).
5) Hot Tranny Mess: Stacey. Her name is simply perfect for this award.
Until next week,
Mike
Let me begin with a caveat related to this season: my posts may not be as ridiculously well-timed as those of past seasons. I am now even more famous and busy and important than I once was (currently revolutionizing the world of fashion), and I simply cannot keep up with the demands of my fast-paced life. But I will post reviews and they will be amazing, witty, and well-done. Basically, I'm famous and you all know it, thus my timing matters not!
Ladies and gents, please meet Matthew Grant. He be lookin’ real good.
As for the ladies…well…they’re fine, I guess. If by fine you mean a big fat hot mess.
After the intro by our friend Chris Harrison, we were all in love with Matt and ready to meet the ladies. Twenty-five of them arrived, and about three are worth remembering. The other 22? Hot messes. (Thank you Christian Siriano from Project Runway. We love you, you’re a hot tranny mess.)
There is no need for me to get too into evaluating each girl, as they all look the same after 82 seasons. Although, I must say, I believe this season has offered up the most fake boobs ever, and the most creative career choices. I was impressed! My favorite set of knockers were the tennis ball boobs that occupied the chest of Holly, the children’s book author from Ohio. Her rack looked like it was going to burst! Amazing.
So let’s get to the show. I love the first episode because these crazy cats just throw themselves at a man of which they know next to nothing. It’s amazing. It’s feminism at its finest. It’s pure class…God Bless America.
Denise engaged the Brit in a political conversation in which she exposed her love for “President” Bush and her first boss, Karl Rove. What is her agenda? To paint herself as the devil? To stand up for all that makes America horrible? To get booted off in the first episode? Yes, yes and yes.
Then, Carri, the Church Marketer, bites into a beer can. Enough said.
Ashlee tries to pull a Jewel and sings to Matt. Michelle plays the clarinet and looks like a band geek with her neck strap. What, did she just finish her stint as first chair clarinetist in the marching band?
And then…Stacey, who is now officially Ms. Hot Tranny Mess, enters the scene. I mean, she’s a mess regardless, but she might possibly be a tranny as well. Her heinous dress, inflated breasts and oversized back tattoo are nothing on her overarching success as simply trash. She gropes Matt, calls him “Baby” and “Honey,” and tells him about her Bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and how she hopes to find a “pharmaceutical to cure a disease we don’t even know about” or some sh*t. Are you kidding? Are you talking? She also doesn’t know much about the city of London. A real bright one, folks.
Shayne epitomizes the LA girl. Vacant, vapid and voluptuous with blonde hair to match her equally blonde intellect. She seems like a real deep one, let me tell you. She’s also an “actress.” Ooh! But, since Matt is a guy, he likes her.
At this point, my favorites are: Amanda R. and Robin. Robin is from my stomping ground of Holland, MI. In case you have forgotten, you ain’t much if you ain’t Dutch. It’s my mantra in life, and I suggest you make it yours. Matt agrees that Amanda is cute, and he gives her the First Impression Rose.
After a night of boozing, Matt selects the following ladies to officially be his suitors.
Amanda R
Chelsea
Shayne
Michelle P
Marshana
Ashlee
Noelle
Erin S
Amy
Carri
Kristine
Robin
Kelly
Holly
Erin H
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Best Job: Hot Dog Vendor, Erin S. Don’t even get me started on the jokes I can make about that one. Hopefully she’ll play a little “Hide the hot dog” with Matt sometime soon.
--Runners Up (and oh, there were so many): Church Marketer, Former Bush Aide, Law Student in Vegas (what, she plays Cops and Robbers on stage at a strip club?)…
2) Worst Dress: Kristine’s. She looked like a sea shell.
3) Best Dress: Amanda R’s. Loved that navy number.
4) Best quote: “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate,” Michelle P. (in reference to her clarinet reed).
5) Hot Tranny Mess: Stacey. Her name is simply perfect for this award.
Until next week,
Mike
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