The finale, with one "f"

Ladies and gentlemen, the long-awaited three-hour finale is finally over, and I'm still attempting to recover from ABC's amazing feat of stretching 30-minutes of footage into 180. Truly an accomplishment, and one to which I deeply regret devoting half of my Sunday night. Not really, but still. Before I dive into the review, I must, however, make yet another dig at Chris Harrison's repeated need to bill every single moment (and episode) of the show as the "most dramatic ever." There was nothing dramatic about this finale. In fact, it was anti-climactic. So unless Chris spends his life on Planet Opposite Day in the galaxy of Hyperbole, he's got his words mixed up.

The finale takes place in lovely (and apparently under-repaired...did you see the cracking concrete and missing tiles at Emily's "glamorous" rented house?) Curacao, and Jef is first up to meet Emily's family, which consists of: her lounge-singer mom; her standard-issue dad; her Wrangler-wearing, talks-out-of-the-side-of-his-mouth brother Ernie (what kind of name is that?); and her mute sister-in-law (no one knows her name). Jef shows up with flowers for the ladies, and charm all around. My loyal viewing friends and I figured out quite quickly that her mom looks just like the old dead guy from Tales from the Crypt.  Go ahead, pretend you don't agree. Nothing memorable happens, except the fact that I find Emily's brother to be horrifyingly awkward. Dude, open your mouth and relax a bit. We get you're a hick from North Cackalacky, no need to play the part so well. Her family walks away really liking Jef.

Next up is Arie, who brings her family a box of all the roses he's won thus far. Um, weird. The beginning is filled with some awkward silences, until Emily's mom, really wanting to see how good of a kisser Arie is for herself, takes him away for some questioning. I seriously half thought her mom was going to steal Arie away from Emily, but luckily she didn't. Later, Arie asks Dad for Emily's hand in marriage, and Ernie is awkward once again. Seriously. Open your mouth dude. Why are you only using half of it?

After their time with both guys, Emily's family likes them both and doesn't offer any help to Emily in her decision. Later, seeing Emily struggling, her mom tells her to hold off on any engagement. Thanks, mom.

The next day is Jef's last date with Emily. They chat on the beach, Emily is totally nervous and out of it, and I feared their connection was fading. Was she going to dump Jef right then and there? Or was she contemplating letting Jef meet her daughter, Ricky Bobbi? Luckily, she chooses the latter, and the three of them spend the afternoon in the pool with Ricky Bobbi. Ricky Bobbi, never one for too many words, basically giggles the whole time, and Jef isn't entirely awkward. So I'd say it was a success.

Later, at dinner, Jef and Emily share a night of kissing and canoodling on the couch, and Jef presents Emily with a gift. Instead of the typical gift photographically recapping their time together in a Creative Memories scrapbook (because all dudes scrapbook these days), he gives Emily a book about Curacao, filled with his own stick-figure drawings of them throughout its pages. It was actually pretty cute.

The next day is Emily's final date with Arie. Or is it? Emily first chats with Chris about her internal struggle, and she basically comes out and tells Chris that she's going to choose Jef and needs to let Arie go. He's a good kisser, but will he be a good husband?

Meanwhile, Arie is preparing for their last date by making a love potion with some local witch doctor. Clearly the doctor needs her papers checked, because 20 minutes later, Emily arrives, in tears, and basically dumps Arie before their date begins. Dumbstruck, Arie lets her finish, asks a few questions, and basically leaves. But not before Emily word vomits and successfully avoids saying the real truth ("you're not the one, dude") and hugs him while pressing his microphone into his chest so hard that we can hear poor Arie's racing, and broken heart. It was actually pretty sad. But good for Arie, he made it home with no tears. (Cue each and every single woman in America preparing their tape submission to be on the next Bachelor, starring Arie. That, or cue every woman booking a ticket to Arie's hometown in order to let their stalking begin.)

In the end, a ridiculously well-dressed and dapper Jef presents Emily with a beautifully-branded Neil Lane diamond. After a slight delay, she says yes. Then Ricky Bobbi shows up and ruins all the romance. One question: why did the engagement happen on some random (albeit stylized) street corner in Curacao? You're on an island, people; get engaged on the beach!

1) Best Dressed: Jef. His suit at the final rose was, hands down, the best-fitting and most dapper suit of any guy in the history of this show. I need his stylist immediately, because he's not going to need to look cute in the suburbs of Charlotte, let's be honest.
2) Worst Dressed: Ricky Bobbi. Who let her out of the house in a fanny pack?!?
3) Best Kisser: Arie. Duh.
4) Least Dramatic Finale: This one.

Until next season,
Mike

The Dudes Tell All: sponsored by Prada shoes and rented helicopters

I don't commit to blogging the Dudes Tell All episode, because it's usually two hours of ballyhoo (as opposed to the other weekly episodes, which are two hours of pure television genius.) But this week provided some gems.

1) Emily might be cooler than I had previously thought. I love her repeated drops of the F-bomb, in particular. But also, girl has some--pardon me--balls! She calls the boys out repeatedly on their BS, and I found it brilliant.

Which leads me to point number two...

2) In response to Kalon's general douche-baggery, Emily came up with this: "I just hope that you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter." Oh. Snap.

Perhaps Kalon will find faith in his new, oversized chiclets--I mean, veneers--that have recently taken up residence in his creepy mouth. The Houston dentist responsible for those oversized teeth should be punished by having to stare at Kalon's busted grill for eternity.

Until Sunday's finale!
Mike

To Bone or Not To Bone

It's our favorite episode of the season. It's the night where unknowing (ha!) lovers are given the choice to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite or Not Bone, and everyone bones! But wait...do they?

This season we're boning in Curacao, and it's simply beautiful.

The first date goes to Sean. He's cute in his Nantucket red shorts, Toms, and an incredibly deep V-neck tee. They ride a helicopter--in a season bereft of helicopter rides--and Sean can't summon the strength to tell Emily he loves her. Sean has a minor communication crisis, and Emily notices. Later, in his second deep V of the night, Sean accompanies Emily to dinner where he reads a letter he's written to her daughter, Ricki Bobby. It's pretty bad, but Emily thinks it's cute. Typical. When the Fantasy Date card arrives from Chris, Emily and Sean choose to forego their own rooms and bone. But then she sees him out after a while, because she's "a mom." What, moms don't bone random strangers these days? So...in the end...they bone? But don't bone? I have no idea. They sleep cold and alone.

The next date goes to dapper Jef. They sail around the island while Jef peppers her with questions about his suitability for Emily. Are they a match. Will he be a good dad to Ricki Bobby? He mentions to Emily that his parents want to meet her, and it's cute. (Apparently their Mormon "charity project" has ended and they're free to meet their future daughter-in-law.) At dinner, Jef preemptively foregoes his individual room for the Fantasy Suite with the understanding that they won't spend the night and won't bone because Ricki Bobby and his parents will be watching them. Um...BORING. Jef tells Emily he loves her again, and she sends him a packin' before they fall asleep like she's turning tricks. Brilliant. Bone? Not bone. But honestly, she really likes Jef and it's obvious. The date was cute.

Lastly, the most boneable of them all has his date with Emily: Arie. They swim with dolphins, but not without making out first. Emily can barely hold herself back and she totally wants to ride his Dutch racing business, but she won't give herself the chance. So much so that she doesn't even offer him the Fantasy Date card because she, admittedly, doesn't trust herself with him! Their physical chemistry is undeniable, but are they mentally there? Who cares, they're hot. Also, did you notice the "I want to be boning you right now" look they shared mid-make-out before they said goodbye? Yowza. Is this the first time the Fantasy Date card hasn't been offered? Weird. Especially with this couple. They're all about it.

In the end, an uber-emotional Emily gives roses to:
1) Jef
2) Arie

An almost emotional Sean is sent home. I so wish he would have cried, but he was probably too focused on the fact that his mammoth thighs were screaming to get out of his pants.

Awards:
1) Frontrunner: Jef
2) Worst line: "I wanted it to be you," said Emily to the rejected Sean. Boo...not fair.

So it's Jef versus Arie. Dapper versus Dutch.

Until the finale!
Mike

Emily goes home(town). A week late.

It's hometown visit week! Emily travels to Chicago, Scottsdale, Utah and Dallas to meet her potential new families-in-law.

Let's keep this concise, because I'm a week late posting this. (Sorry, a man needs a vacation now and again. FYI, I'm super tan.)

Emily meets Chris and his Polish family in Chicago first. It's boring, like Polish food.

Next she heads to Jef's Utah ranch (wow) to meet his 14 Mormon siblings and their 82 kids. But seriously, the ranch is amazing and they have killer chemistry. And who knew Emily could shoot a gun like a natural. Oh, the South never ceases to surprise us. Later, Jef reads her a lovely note and it's legitimately touching, even to my cold, dead heart. Bummer his parents don't come, since they're busy doing "charity work" in South Cackalacky. Luckily his innumerable blond siblings give their seal of approval.

After Utah, she heads south to Scottsdale to meet Arie's stiff, Dutch family. By "stiff" I mean that Arie's mom's face is stiff and stuffed with collagen and plastic. Also, they're rather rigid in a Dutch way. (I'm Dutch, so I get this.) But it goes well and she connects with Arie's mom's unmoving face.

Last, Emily heads to Dallas to meet Sean's sweet family. Their perfectly Texan (i.e. gaudy and overdone) house is classic, and his family is really cute and fun and easy to be around. Sean plays a trick on Emily by telling her he still lives at home, and even goes as far as showing her his fake, and horribly messy room with stuffed animals everywhere. A perfect Southern woman, Emily doesn't bat an eye, but her blood boils on the inside. Amazing. But can someone tell Sean not to lead with his tongue when he kisses her? It's horrifying. Also, who else noticed that Sean's brother-in-law's biceps match his own? It's a Texas thang, y'all.

Roses go to:
1) Arie
2) Jef
3) Sean

Byeeeee: Chris. No surprises there.

Awards:
1) Frontrunner: OMG I have no idea. Jef, then Arie in a close second.
2) Best fam: Sean's
3) Worst kisser: Sean
4) Most romantic: Jef
5) Most Mormon: Jef's family

Until tonight,
Mike