Let this be a lesson…
Mondays are just so much better when you have a horrible TV show to look forward to, don’t you think? It seems as though the crazy has set in early this season, as the remaining 15 ladies begin to woo Matt with their looks, their drinking prowess, their talent (or lack thereof), and their insanity. What a dream it must be to be a strapping Londoner faced with the prospect of babysitting crazy American chicks. Poor chap. With that, let’s get to the show.
Tonight is our night of first group dates and the impending reactions we’ve all come to expect by now (e.g. tasty treats like, “I don’t want to share him with 14 other girls,” and “This is getting real,” and “I don’t deserve this,” blah blah blah). One winning tramp played this role to a “T” last night, and her name is Shayne, the actress. But more on that later.
The first date found Ashlee, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H., and Holly strutting their stuff at a fashion show for Matt. This was classic female degradation, and I loved every minute of it. Nothing like slutting it up to win some random guy’s heart! It’s probably not the best way to get to know someone, but it’s entertainment, and I’m fine by that. So was Matt, as he watched the trainwrecks work (or not so much work) the runway for him. He was looking good in his purple sweater, by the way.
After the fashion show, the girls become themselves again. And that means crazy. Michelle, clearly a musical virtuoso, serenades him with a creepy song that included lyrics like “I want you to touch me,” and I blushed (please recall her touching clarinet solo in Week One). Ugh. Ashlee snags the first kiss and then the first rose, and then acts like a 12-year-old with no concept of humility as she jumps around screaming “I got the rose” in front of the other rejects. It was fantastic.
The second group date finds the rest of the pack traveling to Vegas for a little gambling in game of love. Matt sets up a contest in which the winner gets to spend 30 minutes alone with him, and Kelly wins. She’s wasted, and it’s classic “Bachelor.” Matt’s babysitting continues when Shayne tests out her acting skills and gets all typical by freaking out about competing against others for his love. I love his reaction. He’s like, “You knew what you signed up for, you idiot.” Okay, he didn’t say that exactly, but that’s what he meant. Then Chelsea gets the first rose despite her ears and horrible top. Then we get to see Shayne break down more in the inevitable first date drama. Shayne, let me prevent a career full of heartbreak right here and now: you’re a horrible actress, and you’re never going to get work in LA. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
The pre-Rose-Ceremony cocktails provide some more entertainment as the serenading continues. Carri sings the most GOD AWFUL rendition of “Summertime,” and I mute the television. First off, she calls her singing “Opera.” Second, she sounds like a dying frog. Third, she’s going home and teaching all future disasters a lesson: STOP WITH THE SINGING AND/OR TALENT CONTEST! It embarrasses us all. Save your talents for the shower. Then Matt calls Shayne out on being an actress and questions her motivation for the show. It’s brilliant.
The roses go to:
1) Ashlee, who wears a choker and bad hair
2) Chelsea
3) Robin
4) Holly
5) Erin S.
6) Amanda
7) Kelly
8) Amy
9) Kristine
10) Marshana
11) Noelle
12) Shayne, who has clearly gotten a three-episode contract thanks to her manager.
We say farewell to the two singers, Michelle and Carri, and also wave goodbye to Erin H., who I thought was fun. But wait…
Michelle’s consolation speech will go down in history as quite possibly the most amazing/future-ruining speech in the history of this great world in which we live. And I quote: “I’m going to go home to my cat…It will be good to hear a purr again…She is the love of my life right now.”
Oh.
My.
Gah…
DING DING DING!!! Someone alert all males in the world, Michelle is a Crazy Cat Lady. Steer clear of impending insanity, sweater knitting, and feline breeding! This woman is a crazed loony tune in the making! I mean literally, I can’t even think of enough comments to fully capture my reaction to her cat-crazed lunacy. It was just divine. Thank you, Michelle, for ending this episode on a good note. And no, I’m not interested in adopting a cat. Please spay or neuter your pets, and quite possibly spay yourself in the process.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
It's back. It's international. It's the Bachelor.
So our favorite show is back and so am I. It’s our first international bachelor, and we all couldn’t be more excited. (Unless, of course, this show was actually any good, in which case my career as blogger would be more prolific and internationally-recognized.)
Let me begin with a caveat related to this season: my posts may not be as ridiculously well-timed as those of past seasons. I am now even more famous and busy and important than I once was (currently revolutionizing the world of fashion), and I simply cannot keep up with the demands of my fast-paced life. But I will post reviews and they will be amazing, witty, and well-done. Basically, I'm famous and you all know it, thus my timing matters not!
Ladies and gents, please meet Matthew Grant. He be lookin’ real good.
As for the ladies…well…they’re fine, I guess. If by fine you mean a big fat hot mess.
After the intro by our friend Chris Harrison, we were all in love with Matt and ready to meet the ladies. Twenty-five of them arrived, and about three are worth remembering. The other 22? Hot messes. (Thank you Christian Siriano from Project Runway. We love you, you’re a hot tranny mess.)
There is no need for me to get too into evaluating each girl, as they all look the same after 82 seasons. Although, I must say, I believe this season has offered up the most fake boobs ever, and the most creative career choices. I was impressed! My favorite set of knockers were the tennis ball boobs that occupied the chest of Holly, the children’s book author from Ohio. Her rack looked like it was going to burst! Amazing.
So let’s get to the show. I love the first episode because these crazy cats just throw themselves at a man of which they know next to nothing. It’s amazing. It’s feminism at its finest. It’s pure class…God Bless America.
Denise engaged the Brit in a political conversation in which she exposed her love for “President” Bush and her first boss, Karl Rove. What is her agenda? To paint herself as the devil? To stand up for all that makes America horrible? To get booted off in the first episode? Yes, yes and yes.
Then, Carri, the Church Marketer, bites into a beer can. Enough said.
Ashlee tries to pull a Jewel and sings to Matt. Michelle plays the clarinet and looks like a band geek with her neck strap. What, did she just finish her stint as first chair clarinetist in the marching band?
And then…Stacey, who is now officially Ms. Hot Tranny Mess, enters the scene. I mean, she’s a mess regardless, but she might possibly be a tranny as well. Her heinous dress, inflated breasts and oversized back tattoo are nothing on her overarching success as simply trash. She gropes Matt, calls him “Baby” and “Honey,” and tells him about her Bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and how she hopes to find a “pharmaceutical to cure a disease we don’t even know about” or some sh*t. Are you kidding? Are you talking? She also doesn’t know much about the city of London. A real bright one, folks.
Shayne epitomizes the LA girl. Vacant, vapid and voluptuous with blonde hair to match her equally blonde intellect. She seems like a real deep one, let me tell you. She’s also an “actress.” Ooh! But, since Matt is a guy, he likes her.
At this point, my favorites are: Amanda R. and Robin. Robin is from my stomping ground of Holland, MI. In case you have forgotten, you ain’t much if you ain’t Dutch. It’s my mantra in life, and I suggest you make it yours. Matt agrees that Amanda is cute, and he gives her the First Impression Rose.
After a night of boozing, Matt selects the following ladies to officially be his suitors.
Amanda R
Chelsea
Shayne
Michelle P
Marshana
Ashlee
Noelle
Erin S
Amy
Carri
Kristine
Robin
Kelly
Holly
Erin H
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Best Job: Hot Dog Vendor, Erin S. Don’t even get me started on the jokes I can make about that one. Hopefully she’ll play a little “Hide the hot dog” with Matt sometime soon.
--Runners Up (and oh, there were so many): Church Marketer, Former Bush Aide, Law Student in Vegas (what, she plays Cops and Robbers on stage at a strip club?)…
2) Worst Dress: Kristine’s. She looked like a sea shell.
3) Best Dress: Amanda R’s. Loved that navy number.
4) Best quote: “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate,” Michelle P. (in reference to her clarinet reed).
5) Hot Tranny Mess: Stacey. Her name is simply perfect for this award.
Until next week,
Mike
Let me begin with a caveat related to this season: my posts may not be as ridiculously well-timed as those of past seasons. I am now even more famous and busy and important than I once was (currently revolutionizing the world of fashion), and I simply cannot keep up with the demands of my fast-paced life. But I will post reviews and they will be amazing, witty, and well-done. Basically, I'm famous and you all know it, thus my timing matters not!
Ladies and gents, please meet Matthew Grant. He be lookin’ real good.
As for the ladies…well…they’re fine, I guess. If by fine you mean a big fat hot mess.
After the intro by our friend Chris Harrison, we were all in love with Matt and ready to meet the ladies. Twenty-five of them arrived, and about three are worth remembering. The other 22? Hot messes. (Thank you Christian Siriano from Project Runway. We love you, you’re a hot tranny mess.)
There is no need for me to get too into evaluating each girl, as they all look the same after 82 seasons. Although, I must say, I believe this season has offered up the most fake boobs ever, and the most creative career choices. I was impressed! My favorite set of knockers were the tennis ball boobs that occupied the chest of Holly, the children’s book author from Ohio. Her rack looked like it was going to burst! Amazing.
So let’s get to the show. I love the first episode because these crazy cats just throw themselves at a man of which they know next to nothing. It’s amazing. It’s feminism at its finest. It’s pure class…God Bless America.
Denise engaged the Brit in a political conversation in which she exposed her love for “President” Bush and her first boss, Karl Rove. What is her agenda? To paint herself as the devil? To stand up for all that makes America horrible? To get booted off in the first episode? Yes, yes and yes.
Then, Carri, the Church Marketer, bites into a beer can. Enough said.
Ashlee tries to pull a Jewel and sings to Matt. Michelle plays the clarinet and looks like a band geek with her neck strap. What, did she just finish her stint as first chair clarinetist in the marching band?
And then…Stacey, who is now officially Ms. Hot Tranny Mess, enters the scene. I mean, she’s a mess regardless, but she might possibly be a tranny as well. Her heinous dress, inflated breasts and oversized back tattoo are nothing on her overarching success as simply trash. She gropes Matt, calls him “Baby” and “Honey,” and tells him about her Bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and how she hopes to find a “pharmaceutical to cure a disease we don’t even know about” or some sh*t. Are you kidding? Are you talking? She also doesn’t know much about the city of London. A real bright one, folks.
Shayne epitomizes the LA girl. Vacant, vapid and voluptuous with blonde hair to match her equally blonde intellect. She seems like a real deep one, let me tell you. She’s also an “actress.” Ooh! But, since Matt is a guy, he likes her.
At this point, my favorites are: Amanda R. and Robin. Robin is from my stomping ground of Holland, MI. In case you have forgotten, you ain’t much if you ain’t Dutch. It’s my mantra in life, and I suggest you make it yours. Matt agrees that Amanda is cute, and he gives her the First Impression Rose.
After a night of boozing, Matt selects the following ladies to officially be his suitors.
Amanda R
Chelsea
Shayne
Michelle P
Marshana
Ashlee
Noelle
Erin S
Amy
Carri
Kristine
Robin
Kelly
Holly
Erin H
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Best Job: Hot Dog Vendor, Erin S. Don’t even get me started on the jokes I can make about that one. Hopefully she’ll play a little “Hide the hot dog” with Matt sometime soon.
--Runners Up (and oh, there were so many): Church Marketer, Former Bush Aide, Law Student in Vegas (what, she plays Cops and Robbers on stage at a strip club?)…
2) Worst Dress: Kristine’s. She looked like a sea shell.
3) Best Dress: Amanda R’s. Loved that navy number.
4) Best quote: “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate,” Michelle P. (in reference to her clarinet reed).
5) Hot Tranny Mess: Stacey. Her name is simply perfect for this award.
Until next week,
Mike
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