Monday, January 25, 2010

Drama we all expected

So Mr. Perfect proves to us tonight that he doesn't play by the rules. He follows his heart, he lets a tear or two shed, and he kicks b*tches off left and right! Yowza...let's get to it.

Tonight, the girls hop on RVs and take a California road trip up the coast. We're already doen with the mansion in LA! Three dates tonight: a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one. After a drive up the PCH, the RVs pull off at a lovely vineyard where the plaid-shirt wearing Jake Bunyan greets them with a hug.

The one-on-one goes to Gia, who appropriately wears a kimono and stilettos on their rustic date on the vineyard. Her NY (or is it Jersey?) accent comes out on the date, which is slightly appalling, but all in all, Gia isn't too bad. They share stories of nerdy pasts, play a little spin the bottle, and share dogs and s'mores by the campfire later on. They snuggle up and get closer throughout the date, and Gia reveals herself to be more than a pretty (swimsuit model pretty) face. She's cute and little "off" and Jake likes her. She gets a rose.

The second date is up the coast a little further, at Pismo Beach. Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna, and Corrie get dirty on the beach with dune buggies, sand surfing and a picnic. First off, everyone hates Vienna. Second, so do I. Third, the date is cute and fun and Jake likes seeing the girls let loose. Later, they head to an inn so they can clean up and have a nice dinner in a really ugly and gaudy pink dining room. Jake has alone time with all the girls, but not before Vienna declares that she'd like the last one-on-one so she can be the last girl to kiss him. Vomit. She probably just wanted extra time to spruce her mall bangs and apply some extra orange self tanner. Vienna finally gets her time with Jake and he broaches the subject of her being a raging coot. Actually, he just raises some red flags with her in a nice Jake-ish way, and she pretty much ignores them and wants to focus on herself. Jessie, conveniently manages to NOT get any air time once again, thereby sealing her fate. Also during the date, Jake ensures that Tenley is indeed over her ex-husband, and at the end of the date, he gives her the rose.

The last date is the dreaded two-on-one, in lovely Big Sur. What a nightmare. Not Big Sur--that part is great--but who would ever want to go on a date with an objection of affection and another ho? Not me, for one. Someone is always the third wheel. Or are they? At the outset, it appears as though Kathryn will be playing the supporting role of "Third Wheel." For starters, Jake and Ella drink red, and Kat drinks white. Totaly outsider. Then, Jake pays most of his attention to Ella during dinner, and takes her outside afterwords to chat. Kathryn is left cold and alone with her wine (at which point, if I were her, I would have chugged and refilled 12 times). But wait! Jake then spends some time with Kathryn. She calls Jake out on not really getting to know her, and he pretends like it wasn't on purpose. Their time together is basically a job interview after which no one gets an offer. After his time with the girls, Jake asks to speak to Ella, where he tells her she's great and kicks her off. I couldn't have scripted it better. But then...just wait. He goes back in, Kathryn smiles and comforts him knowing she's won this round, and Jake responds by kicking her off TOO!! Do you die? I died. Our little Jake plays by the rules no more. To end it all, he dramatically tosses the rose in the fire pit, and we collectively giggle.

At the rose ceremony, the girls are gunning for Vienna. Jessie (yeah, she's still on the show even though we still don't know her name or who she is) tells Jake that she thinks Vienna sucks. Unfortunately, Jake was most likely too distracted by her heinous green eye makeup to hear what she said, but her efforts were to be lauded. Then Vienna grabs Jake for some alone time, during which Jake once again talks to Vienna about why everyone hates her. She changes the subject back to herself. Surprise! The other girls take their final attempts at wooing Jake, and then it's time for the hand-outs. But not before they all discuss how much they hate Vienna, and Ali (lovely in yellow, as always) threatens to tell Jake what she really thinks if he actually asks Vienna to stay.

1) Gia
2) Tenley
3) Ali
4) Corrie

-scene interrupted -

Jake, after tearing up (yes, I totally predicted the first tears would come in episode four!!), excuses himself and asks to talk to Chris. He then asks Chris's advice on what he would do if he were faced with a similar decision of having to ask two women to stay when he really only wanted one. Again...Jake bends the rules.

-back at the ceremony-

Chris tells the ladies that he'll be taking one of the two remaining roses away, and two women will be going home instead of one.

5) Vienna. GASP!!! Kidding. Of course she's staying...there would be no drama if she didn't. Wonder how much ABC paid Jake for that one...

Bye: Ella, Kathryn, Ashleigh and Jessie

Awards:
1) Come from behind award: Gia
2) Worst ties: Jake. Who is responsible for his rose ceremony ties?!?
3) Quote: "Are you f*cking kidding me?" - Ashleigh, reacting to going home before Vienna. Couldn't have put it better myself, my dear.

Until next week,

Mike

Monday, January 18, 2010

And then there were 9...poor Jake

Jesus take the wheel...it's a night of drama and I've had 9 glasses of wine. Please steer us in the right direction.

Tonight we have two one-on-one dates and one big happy (I mean raging disaster) group date.

The first one-on-one goes to the most hated woman in the house, Dye Job McGee, I mean Vienna. Why she should be named after a beautiful European city I do not know, but let's leave that be for now. It's the first heli-date of the season as Jake and Vienna flit away to a 300-foot drop. They fly to a crazy scary bungee jumping adventure, and Jake has a minor freak out prior to the plunge. I think he's officially the first bachelor to freak like this, but let's just move on and await his tears in the next couple episodes. They jump, they fall, they kiss, her dye job is still bad, yada yada. Afterwords, they drink wine out of awkwardly tall wine glasses, do the requisite hot tub scene, and she gets a rose. Vienna then goes home and gushes about her date and everyone hates her. The end.

Date #2 will hereafter be known as the "Worst Date Ever on The Bachelor." OMG I die I die I die. Jon Lovitz hosts the crew at his comedy club where the girls are the headline event. This is my worst nightmare, by the way. Untrained comics in front of an unassuming audience. It was a fully mutable date, folks. I started sweating, I muted, I drank more wine. Messy. The one redeemable takeaway of the date was this: Jake looked hot in his plaid shirt. Very preppy, very cute, very on-trend. We love it. What we don't love is untrained comediennes BOMBING in front of a hopefully-paid audience. Tenley avoids comedy and does body bends; Corrie trashes Vienna; Ashleigh freaks, cries, drinks too much and then eventually tells blonde jokes; and Michelle bombs bombs BOMBS. YIKES!

After the date, the girls have a "wrap party" of sorts at the Roosevelt. Tenley finally fesses up to her divorce, Ali and Ashleigh trash Vienna to Jake, and Michelle is still crazy. Surprise! Michelle then gets her coveted one-on-one time with Jake and he kicks her off. After a forced first kiss, she basically tells Jake the kiss sucked and if he can't give her what she wants, she's outta there. Granted, we're used to her veiled threats by now, but Jake takes the bait and boots her right there! Amazing. We love a rule-abiding bachelor who doesn't play by the rules. Yay Jake, and boo Michelle. While we wish you could stay around for guaranteed drama, but we also realize you're certifiably crazy and would be best suited for hard time. After the boot, Jake is too strained to give out a rose and sees himself home. Poor Jake.

The last date is the long-awaited one-on-one between Jake and Ella the Tennessean mom. It's heli-date #2 as the two are whisked away to Sea World. Um...what? Yes, let's pretend we think this is cool, and go with it. Jake gives Ella her birthday present, which is the arrival of her 7-year-old son Ethan. Her reaction utterly sucks, and she barely freaks. I was hoping for legit tears and body shakes, but we're left with a half-assed hug. I was also hoping that Ethan would ask Jake for his toy plane back, but he didn't. We're also forced to see Ella's bedazzled nails. Yes...she is a Tennessee-based hair dresser...are we surprised?!? Very little happens on this date besides the expected: Jake doesn't kiss Ella in front of the kid and he gives her a rose because she's a mom and he'd be a dick if he didn't.

Meanwhile, Vienna talks to the b*tches at home and apologizes for being horrible. They hate her regardless. Ali calls her out and Vienna cries for the second time in the episode. Boring. I'm a little nervous that Ali is going to be too outspoken thus jeopardizing her position as best bachelorette, but we'll have to wait and see if it continues...

At the pre-rose ceremony, Elizabeth does nothing for her "don't kiss me" case as Jake labels her a "tease." Then Vienna interrupts them and Elizabeth cries. Yes, Vienna was wearing a bedazzled turquoise dress and we all collectively barfed. Jake is a confused mess and he contemplates his future before handing out the roses.

He chooses:
1) Vienna
2) Ella
3) Gia
4) Corrie
5) Tenley
6) Ali
7) Jessie
8) Kathryn
9) Ashleigh

Bye: Michelle (crazy), Elizabeth (no kisses please), and Valishia (we didn't know who you were anyway).

Awards:
1) Best quote: "Michelle doesn't need a husband, she needs a therapist." - Elizabeth
2) Crazy: Michelle
3) Sexy kisser: Jake. Yum.
4) Quote #2: "I am 29 and I could have had a husband by now." - Elizabeth. While your first quote was killer, you just screwed yourself with this one. Um...you don't have a husband, and you ain't gonna get one by not kissing anyone. Best of luck finding the man of your dreams in Imperial, Nebraska.

Until next week,

Mike

Monday, January 11, 2010

Don't Bone the Help

So the wheat has separated from the shaft and we're on to episode two. Ha ha...shaft. Before the night even begins, we're promised some killer drama, as someone will be forced to leave. Yes...this is why we love The Bachelor. These women are D-R-A-M-A with a capital "mess."

Three dates tonight: two group dates and a one-on-one. Here we go.

The first date, which will hereafter be known as "Boobs and Bods" brings six lovely-ish ladies bod-to-bod with Jake at the Shangri-La in Santa Monica for a photo shoot and the inevitable first pool scene. Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina and Ashleigh get to spend the day with the staff of InStyle. Christina is self conscious because she's not a model. And guess what? She drinks too much to compensate. Rozlyn and Gia bring out their respective saline-inspired girls, and it's almost too much. But who am I to complain about two rockin'--although fake--racks? It's just not my place. The night brings upon lots of predicted firsts: bikinis; pool scenes; straddling; rooftop kisses, you name it. One key takeaway is that Jake isn't necessarily the best at forced intimacy and he seems a bit uncomfortable, but he tries his best. The first rose goes to a very deliberate Rozlyn, who seems quite focused on winning. To heighten the tension, ABC did a fantastic job of vilifying her with some killer music and dramatic cinematic techniques. And we have our cunning vixen, folks. Let's see how the season unfolds. I hope Rozlyn's ta-tas can hold their shape through the rocky ride...er...turbulent flight ahead.

The second date is one for the books. Ali gets the first one-on-one, and I couldn't be happier. (Reminder: I already heart her.) Flying Date Number 1 involves Ali confronting her fear of flying from the outset (after awkwardly riding on the back of Jake's hog in a dress, of course), as Jake sweeps her up in the air on a flight to Palm Springs. Before I get in to the date further, I must confess that I had to get up and...well...pretty much barf up my dinner when ABC played "On the Wings of Love" as they flew over LA. What is this, 1982? WAIT...I Googled the song to check...and I'm serious. It was on Jeffrey Osborne's album released in 1982!!!! For those of you who have been with me for some time, you know that 82 is a special number. Wow. Okay, back to reality. The lovebugs land in Palm Springs, and they drive in a hot car to a romantic outdoor dinner where Ali just shows us all that she's too cute for words. We love her. So does Jake. If there was one hiccup to Ali, it was the names of her past boys (Jim, Jason, Jared, Jordan...and now Jake) but we're over it. Dinner ends and, wait for it, they're greeted by a private concert by Chicago. I DIE. Just die. "Saturday," "You're the Inspiration," are you kidding me?!? Too cool. They dance, they kiss, it's amazing. She gets a rose.

The last date is another group go around, and this time it's with Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley and Vienna (which leaves Ella, Michelle and Tenley down for the count, for those keeping score at home). The girls go with Jake to Six Flags, where they have the park to themselves. Sidenote: will any dates surprise us anymore? Who's in charge of planning the dates for this show? Because that's gotta be one thankless job. I can just see it. "Ooh, I have an idea, let's have them hop on a small plane and/or helicopter!" Nope, done it. "How about candlelight dinner with a private concert." Done that every season. "And what about..." Nope, already done it. Back to the date. Elizabeth takes Jake aside and reads him a love letter in which she asks Jake not to kiss her until she's the final one standing. Jake looks at her like she's a crazy, and so does America. But whatever. Vienna steps up next, and confesses a life full of bad dye jobs. I mean, she confesses that she eloped at age 18 after being engaged months before to another guy, a preacher's son, at the age of 17. Guess that's what happens in central Florida. Elizabeth gets the rose and they don't kiss about it. I'm going to get really sick of non-kissing. It's old, and it's only been one date.

Meanwhile, at the manse, Michelle is pissed and she's packing up to leave because she's a crazy woman who didn't get a date. Surprise! But surprise, she doesn't leave because she's a crazy woman. Yup.

At the pre-Rose Ceremony, the drama really begins. Someone's been boning the help...but who, you ask, dunnit? One guess: this season's Villain! Yay, it's Rozlyn and she's sketchy! Chris confronts her about her inappropriate relationship with a staffer who has since been let go (thanks for causing the recession, Roz), and Rozlyn replies with "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business." Sorry...it's too good. I gave it an award; please see my comment below. So, Rozlyn and her non-wrinkles are sent packing. But kudos to Rozlyn for making it this far. When your name is eerily similar to a Long Island suburb known for tragic accents and is proof that stereotypes are based on fact (yes, Roslyn), you can't have it all! Jake is sad, although he surprisingly fights back tears. On that note, let's make a bet. How many episodes until Jake cries? I vote the tears come in episode 4.

A few last notes: Tenley doesn't tell Jake about her ex-husband; Michelle gets some one-on-one time and oddly convinces Jake that's she's not bat-sh*t-crazy; and Jake gives Ella a birthday cupcake.

Rose ceremony:
1) Rozlyn. JUST KIDDING!
2) Ali
3) Elizabeth
4) Vienna
5) Gia
6) Tenley
7) Ella
8) Valishia
9) Corrie
10) Jessie
11) Ashleigh
12) Michelle. Ugh...
13) Kathryn

Adios: Rozlyn, Christina, Ashley. Byeeeee.

Awards:
1) Best date: Ali and Jake's cutescapade.
2) Frontrunner: Ali
3) Crazy: Yep, it's still you, Michelle.
4) Quote: "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business."--Rozlyn. Um, yes it is. You're on The Bachelor. It's America's business, my business, and Jake's business too. But mostly it's mine.

So we've got 12 ladies left, and lots of disaster yet to unfold. So hold tight...and I'll see you next week.

Mike

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

One-way Flight to Disaster

Ladies and gentleman, welcome aboard flight 82 with nonstop service to Disaster. The boarding door has now been closed, and we are ready for departure. Please make sure all seats and tray tables are in the full, upright, and locked position, and that all electronic devices are turned off and stowed. In addition, please ensure all carry-on baggage is fully under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. The seat belt sign has been illuminated, so we ask that you remain seated until the pilot has reached cruising altitude, and it is safe to move around the cabin. As you may have noticed, our flight is full of 25 hot messes vying for Jake's love; thus we expect a rather bumpy ride. So please, sit back, relax, and enjoy the three-month flight to Disaster. And again, due to the premise of this show, the piss-poor track record of its success, and the quality of women selected this season, the flight may be a bit turbulent. Thanks for your allegiance to The Bachelor Airways; we all know that during these trying times you have many choices in air carriers, and we thank you for continuing your love of self-inflicted harm by flying the Disastrous Skies.

How's that for an opener to what promises to be a season full of awkward and forced pilot references? Boys, girls, and lovers, welcome back. How many seasons has it been? And why are we still watching this? Because it's a mess and we just can't help ourselves. Oh, also you all love me and my e-antics. Or perhaps Jake's abs just beckoned you a little too much and you gave in once again. As we begin another season of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, the age-old conundrum confronts us again. Which do we like more? One comment from my unbelievably attractive couch mate last night bemoaned the lack of 25 sexy men. I countered with the guaranteed drama and cattiness of 25 girls, and the argument was put to a delayed rest. (I'll get back to you on my final verdict.) What we're stuck with is this: 6 rock hard abs and 25 idiot girls (give or take a few good ones), and we love it.

I'll race right through the opening section of gratuitous abs and shirtless scenes, Jake's scripted voice over, and the lead up to the girls' arrival, and jump right into the runway show of this season's 25 hoes. I won't comment on each of the 25, but I will pick out a few gems. First off, has our Texas quota been lowered this season? I usually expect a good 20% of the cast to be big-haired and Texan, but this season we're just stuck with a few chicks and Jake himself. Boring. But what we lack in Texas-two-stepping mall hair, we make up in...GASP...Canadians. Good god, wasn't Jillian enough? We're forced to accept two (count them, two) chicks from Canadia, full of stories of their mythical land to the North? Listen, I'm 30 now (OMG that happened just over a week ago and my anti-wrinkle regimen has fully begun), and I'm no longer interested in fantasy-based fairy tales. Canada is pretend, just admit it. A few more notes: Jessie's (from Canada) dress is a sparkly red-black vampire disaster; Vienna is an overdyed Floridian transplant from what I'm sure was Jersey; Valishia is a "homemaker" (WTF...don't you have to be married to be a "homemaker"?!?!); Channy the Cambodian Tranny is just that; and roughly 80% of the chicks made, you guessed it, awkward pilot/flight references in their introductions. Another note: Jake has a bad tendency to end introductions and/or conversations and/or awkward moments by going in for the friendly hug. Jake is an awkward hugger and he uses it as a defense mechanism. Stay tuned all season for more!

Once inside, our smiley, bad-tie-wearing Jake greets his brood and the antics begin. Dirty landing strip jokes (thanks, Tranny), costumes, football games and a ridiculous game of "airplane" immediately commence. Jillian and Ed show up to help Jake decide who is crazy and who is crazier, and we get some good moments. Michelle quickly rises to the top as this season's resident Lovestruck Crazy Person, as her love tears begin streaming almost immediately because she just can't help being in love with Jake upon meeting him and she is here for love and she's going to win damn it! But wait, you're crazy, and no, you're not going to win.

The first kiss goes to Tenley, a divorced blondie, who immediately freaks out to the camera after forcing herself on Jake because she has only "been with" one man, and this was her first "real kiss" since her ex-husband. Wait, a peck on the lips is a "real kiss"? Um...so my first "real kiss" was at age two when I laid on top of my neighbor and forcibly kissed her? Amazing. Ali, one of my early favorites, rips her dress when first talking to Jake, and it's cute. Also, Ella, the hair-dressing mom of a 7-year-old gives Jake her son's favorite toy: a metal airplane. Was I the only one horrified that this mother STOLE her child's toy to give it to a stranger?!?!? This one won't be winning any Mother of the Year awards any time soon. But then again, what Tennessee-based divorced hair dresser would...

The much-anticipated First Impression Rose goes to Tenley, even after her freak out. I must say, I have a small-ish soft spot in my heart for anyone in college admissions, so I'll excuse her premature tears. But I think Ali and/or Elizabeth from Nebraska should have gotten it because I like them more.

The rose ceremony takes our 25 down to 15, and we're left with:

Tenley
Rozlyn
Ali
Jessie (I won't comment on her dress or her Canadian-ness)
Ella
Kathryn
Vienna
Corrie
Valishia (I won't comment on her name)
Gia (I won't comment on her boobs and/or her "swimsuit model" job title)
Elizabeth
Ashley
Christina
Ashleigh
Michelle

Nothing much more to say here besides the clips of the season to come hint at WAY too much drama. So much fun! Then again, this happens each season and the drama never really packs the punch we're promised. Let's hope this season it does. Clearly, Jake will cry like 12 times this season, but will the tears be warranted?

Awards:
1) Top Four Frontrunners: Ali, Elizabeth, Tenley, Kathryn
2) Crazy: Michelle
3) Worst Dress: Jessie, the Canadian. How did that mess make it through customs?
4) Best sign-off after getting the boot: "I wanted to be co-pilot, but I'm just waving goodbye from the tarmac." --Tiana...awesome.

Until next week,
Mike