To bone or not to bone?

Picture it. Antigua. Three men. One woman. Four people. Yet only three people in love. Small issue.

First date goes to Drew. It's so boring I literally can't handle it. I mean, he's sexy, so kind, smart, yadda yadda. She's also faking it with him. They explore the island, eat some pineapple, and plan to have a waterfront dinner on the beach. It's rained out, so they head to the Fantasy Suite earlier than planned. He tells her he loves her multiple times, she responds with smiles. She's secretly thinking, "How many more minutes until the next date." After Drew accepts the invitation to stay in the Fantasy Suite, they start kissing with a piece of chocolate cake between them on the bed. Totally normal. End scene.

Cut to a pensive Brooks, heading to Boise to chat with his family about the fact that he doesn't love Desiree  he's nervous about the Fantasy Date and that their relationship has had up and down moments. The idea of proposing makes him uncomfortable. (Sidenote, proposing to a woman on a TV show after three dates is COMPLETELY ABNORMAL, but whatever, why isn't he madly in love with her? Is something wrong with him - slash - totally right?) Mom and sister give him the advice to be honest with himself. Fast forward to him coming out of the closet  likely causing some drama later in the episode.

Back in Antigua, Chris meets Des, who is awkwardly dressed like a Caribbean Sacajawea Native American Barbie Princess. They hop in a helicopter to explore the island. They roll around on the beach and make out in the waves a la 1980s Chris Isaak music videos. Later, they share a romantic dinner where they chat about the future. Chris tells Desiree about life in Seattle and how he pictures sharing his life with her there, in a cute little house on the water. So apparently he has a cool two mil to drop on said cute house...so there's that. Des answers that she's open to moving there, and they kiss about it. Des offers up the Fantasy Suite card, and Chris obviously says yes. Because he has another poem to share with her, duh. They go swimming and totally make out more.

The next day is the dreaded Brooks + Desiree impending disaster. Brooks arrives to Antigua, and instead of first chatting with Desiree, he talks to Chris Harrison. Let's be honest, any touch base with Chris is not going to end well. Basically, like a typical guy, Brooks can't voice his words. But Chris coaches out of Brooks the feeling that Desiree is not the love of his life.

Meanwhile, Des gets ready for her romantic date on a boat with Brooks, the love of her life. Brooks arrives and Des is SO EXCITED. Brooks, on the other hand, is not feeling so hot. And he walks her to a dock where he breaks up with her. It's a slight disaster, and she totally melts down. And then he melts down, and there are tears everywhere. But then? Desiree tells Brooks she loves him. Cue more tears. And an amazing dramatic underscore. Frankly, I wish there were more subtitles during the crying scenes. Especially when Desiree tells him that she's never felt loved. Sad. So I poured more wine. But the worst part? When Brooks asked why she was conflicted about other relationships, and she told him it was because she was saving her heart for him and holding back from everyone else. Sadness. Then they part ways and both bawl their eyes out. If he was truly not in to her, would he be this emotional?

Worse than her heartbreak, is the fact that I'm going to be in London next week when the finale airs. #firstworldproblems

Prediction: she ends up with someone. Prediction two: said someone has to deal with incredibly awkward moments for the rest of his life.

Until next week (ish)...

Down home

It's hometown date week! First stop: Dallas. City of dreams. And fake boobs and big hair. Speaking of plastic, she's there to meet Zak. First up: she meets Zak in a park where he drives up the family snow cone truck, because that's normal. Then, a pre-coordinated group of 82 school children show up for snow cones so America's sugar-craved obesity epidemic can continue to spread through the flat lands of north Texas. Hooray! Also, she's forced to make all the snow cones just like a good woman should. A bit weird when she said the six-foot-tall penguin was her boyfriend, but whatever.

After snow cone fest, the lovebirds head to meet Zak's family. They pull in to meet mom, dad, brother Denton, and sister Carly. Okay, fine, I'll admit it. All three kids are good looking and it's annoying. Where's the ugly one? Then they sit down to a lovely lunch where they're positioned awkwardly to face the camera. His skinny little mom is positively adorable, and she tells Des to look for that "spark." Sister is also a cutie. Later, Zak sits down with Mom and he really opens up. It's really cute. And then...Zak gets the family together to sing a love song to Des. What could have been a complete disaster, was nicely avoided. His sister and brother (ish) have nice little voices. Des totally cries and it's awesome. After he fully melts her, Zak gives her a ring he bought to symbolize his love. Then he tells her he loves her. It's amazing. Is he shooting into front runner territory? Or is he the guy who gets screwed after the best hometown date of the season?

Next up: Scottsdale, home of Drew. First, they visit his disabled sister, Melissa. Taking a quick break from being bitchy and banter-y, let me admit that there is a special place in this world for siblings of impaired people. He is so kind, and so sweet. After they meet Melissa, they head home to meet the siblings and the parents. They sit down for dinner, and the table has five bottles of wine on it. Do I love this family, or what? Mom and Drew sit down first. Drew tells her about how she makes him feels, and it's cute. Next, Dad tells Desiree that Melissa, their special daughter, is an angel and it's super emotional and honest and heartfelt. Both Mom and Dad give Drew their blessing.

When they say goodbye, Drew tells Melissa he loves her (like five times), and it's pretty cute. I wanted to gauge Des's reaction, but then she started sucking his face. Is that telling?

Next stop: McMinnville, OR. Home of Chris. Totes adorbs. They first head to play baseball. Apparently Chris is a closet athlete, and he has a killer swing. The best part, though, is that she can also hit the ball. He falls in love with her 12 more times. Unfortunately, Chris is wearing bootcut jeans. UGH. But whatever.

Later, they head to to Chris's parents' house, where is becomes apparent that Chris is the hot kid. His sisters are cute, but sometimes...well...Chris is just cuter than the others. Then, in the middle of dinner, dad walks Des downstairs to give her a chiropractic adjustment. I mean...slightly awkward, but whatever. What was awkward was the nose adjustment he gave Chris because we could see his boogers. Later, Mom chats with Des. I wouldn't say she's particularly warm...but it's not bad. But then she tells Chris that he has everyone's blessing because they really like Chris. Mom is super emotional, which is good stuff. Chris, like the other boys, also loves Des. Chris is still in the running, y'all.

Last up: Salt Lake City, home of the Mormons and Brooks. Immediately, Brooks expresses doubt because he's struggling with sharing Des with three other guys. Again, totally normal. They go canoeing in a city park, and take on water at one point. Then, they go to meet the largest family in the history of the universe...I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they live in Utah. They are cute, however. They all sit down for a HUGE family dinner with no wine, which is awkward. The siblings all seem really into marriage and stuff, so it's a bit intense. Mom is pretty cute too, and Brooks clearly seeks her approval. Mom gives her blessing, as does everyone else. Cute...rather uneventful...but cute. No "I love you" from Brooks, but does that matter? Good god, I hope not.

Last step: The Return of Psycho Brother, the guy who ruined Sean's chances with Desiree. Apparently they haven't seen each other since the last dreaded run-in...so six months later, here we are again. Hold please, can we please discuss Des's family? I wish I understood their odd dynamic. Is it something anyone would like to marry in to? No thank you.

Before the rose ceremony, Des meets with Chris. Am I the only one that missed the fact that she openly loves Brooks and talks about how she wants him? What the hell did I miss? Because I just don't see it.

Roses go to:

1. Brooks
2. Chris
3. Drew

Byeee: Zak. Kinda thought it'd be Drew. Wow. His goodbye was awkardly emotional and raw, which sent my cynical heart into a tailspin.

1. Best hometown date: Zak. Great family. 
2. Worst dress: Des's skeleton suit dress. 
3. Weirdest hometown moment: nothing. Crap. These families were too normal!
4. Best creeper move: Des's brother secretly watching the guys arrive at the hotel. Was he awaiting his meth dealer, or actually scoping out the guys?

Until next week,

Mike

Portugal, the date.

FYI this update is going to be short because I'm busy and important and this show is stupid.

This episode takes us to the Portugese coast. There are four dates. But first, former Bachelorette contestants join Des at a poolside gab session where they ogle the guys and talk dirty talk. Catherine (of Sean and Catherine) pretends that her relationship with Sean isn't a complete disaster, and it's amazing.

The first date is with Brooks. They drive a Smart car up and down the coast. They end up on some random cliff in the clouds and make out. Later, they have romantic dinner on a rooftop. We'll ignore the fact that gay Brooks is wearing a HEINOUS striped cardigan, over a wide-collared denim shirt and a black undershirt.

Next date goes to Chris. They go out in the ocean on a ridiculous yacht. They rub each other down with sunblock, take in the sun, yadda yadda yadda. Later, they walk on the "ridges" of some random hill, and share wine and bites. He also reads her another poem. Eek. Then they put the poem in a wine bottle and throw it in the ocean. Did anyone else notice Chris's hot legs? Later, at dinner, they open up even more. Des says she wants three kids, and Chris says the same. Then he reads her ANOTHER poem. Chris. Really? I can't. My favorite part, though? After 18 seasons, I still can't get over the non-response when contestants tell the bachelor/bachelorette that they love them.

Date number three goes to Michael. They have a date and then they have dinner. I think they went go-carting, but who really cares? At dinner, she's over it and there's no connection. He also talks about his ex-girlfriend and his break-up. He opens up and shares his growing feelings, and she basically non-reacts. Poor Michael.

The last date is the two-on-one with Drew and Zak. The ride race cars and stuff. After they ride together, the two boys race each other. Later, they share snacks in the romantic center of the go cart track. Next, Zak gets some one-on-one time with Des. He drew her a book of sketches outlining their relationship--starting with a drawing of his abs. Amazing. Next up, Drew. They sit on tires and share their feelers with each other. Then they kiss. Chris gets the rose (pinned to the center collar of his henley). Zak is stunned. Then they cheers (?!?!?!) all together. So supes awk.

Roses go to:

1. Drew
2. Brooks
3. Chris
4. Zak

Byeeeeeeeeeeee: Michael. Best of luck in Florida. 

Awards:

1. Best calves: Chris.
2. Worst popped collar (OF A BLAZER): Chris

Until next week,

Mike