"I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me."

Ladies and gentleman, friends and foes, lovers and non-lovers,

This episode is brought to you by the state of Utah, underwritten by the Church of Latter Day Saints and Mitt Romney. Why? Because we're in Park City this week, and I may or may not have been driving through while they filmed this episode. Why? I'm famous and I can't divulge too many details. So let's get to it.

The first date goes to Rachel. This is--cue the music--the first helicopter date of the season! The 'copter swoops the lovers up and over to a pristine lake on which they canoe and don't really talk much. After the awkward canoe ride (ride? what do you call canoeing?), they share a rather quiet and un-conversant dinner during which Rachel opens up just enough to secure a rose. Yes, I just reviewed this date in four sentences. Rachel left me with very little to work with.

The next date finds Jamie, Casey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., and Courtney horseback riding through the "country" and fly fishing in waders and boots. Courtney, ever the model/actor in the making, decides this is a great opportunity to turn this group date into a one-on-one. And she does it quite successfully by convincing Ben to fish with her. She also convinced a fish to bite and she was the only one to catch a fish during the entire date. Barf. Later, the girls join Ben at the Waldorf-Astoria. My favorite part? The varied costume choices. We spanned hoodies to cocktail dresses to bikinis and it was amazing. What was also amazing was Samantha getting booted during their one-on-one time dring which she accosted Ben for taking her on three group dates in a row. Ben, ever the father figure, put her in her place and basically told her it was a test and she didn't pass. He sends her home mid-date. Later, Ben takes Kacie aside for some reassuring one-on-one time only to turn around and spend even more time with Courtney (her polar opposite). Courtney, the studied actress, ends up with the rose because Ben is dumb and falls for her conniving ways (she convinced him that she was concerned about things, thus opening up Ben to a lifetime of living with a case of the batsh*t crazies if he eventually chooses her, which he probably will because this show sucks).

The last date goes to sweet Jennifer, our homegrown girl from Oklahoma. They rappel into a crater lake, awkwardly kiss in the water (because of the treading of water and all), and share a rainy evening together. Daddy Ben cannot stop paying her compliments on her kissing ability, and later takes her to a country music concert where they dance awkwardly in front of 1,000 spectators. My. Worst. Nightmare. But whatever, she gets the rose and we think Jennifer is sweet.

At home, during Jennifer's date, the girls do makeovers, and talk sh*t about each other. Obviously the main subject is Courtney, but Courtney gets her chance too, during which she calls Jennifer "normal." You know what, Courtney? There is nothing normal about your bee-sting/paralyzed upper lip. You're annoying and your manager is clearly a rockstar for landing you this gig. Best of luck on The Bachelor Pad next season.

At the cocktail party, Emily decides it's about time to tell Ben about Courtney's conniving ways and general horrible-ness. Unfortunately, her words fall upon rather deaf ears, and Ben doesn't really buy into it, thus making our smart Emily look rather dumb. Boo...Ben, why are you stupid?

Later, Casey S. (apparently Courtney's only friend in the house), finds out that Emily talked to Ben about Courtney and immediately runs to Courtney to tell her. Courtney, the wordsmith she is, responds with, "I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me." Exactly, Courtney. My thoughts, exactly.

This is followed by a few scenes of blithering bitchiness on the part of Courtney, which eventually lands us at the rose ceremony.

Ugh, girls are exhausting!

Roses go to:
1) Rachel
2) Courtney
3) Jennifer
4) Lindzi
5) Jamie
6) Nicki
7) Kacie B.
8) Elyse
9) Blakeley
10) Casey S.
11) Emily

Bye: Samantha, Monica. Don't worry, they both cry, even though they don't know Ben.

Awards:
1) Thanks, Dad. This award goes to Ben, as he fatherly gives advice and pointers to the girls on a date-ly basis. My favorite this week (Ben to Courtney, about the group date: "I'm surprised how well you did." Thanks, Dad.)
2) Best bee sting lips: Courtney's
3) Best kisser: Jennifer, apparently
4) Front-runners: Kacie and Courtney.
5) Quote: "I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me." - Courtney

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. Will Ben call Courtney out on her two bitchy comments at the end of this week's rose ceremony? After Ben told them they'd be heading to Vieques, Puerto Rico, Courtney responds with, "So two months ago." Then she raises her glass for the toast and says, "I can raise my glass higher than everyone." Thanks, Courtney. You're so smart you can actually point out the obvious.