A minivan full of babies

Ladies and gents,

Last night was the beginning of another 13-week commitment we'll all come to regret in...well..13 weeks. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why, season after failed season, engagement after failed engagement, and fashion choice after failed fashion choice (seriously, guys of this season, what were you wearing?!?), do we subject ourselves to this mess? Because it's just that bad. And after last night, this season is sure to deliver.

I'll keep it short and sweet this week, because last night's 90-minute episode was rather bland when it comes to The Bachelorette. Can we make 90-minute episodes the new normal, please?

What wasn't surprising: this season features (or featured) narcissistic fools looking to further their careers (a singer/songwriter, a "fitness model"), a dude from Austin (Bromack's hometown), countless d-bags, and a race car driver. Nothing like beating the tragic dead husband story to death for ANOTHER season.

What was surprising: this season features a mushroom farmer, a grain merchant who speaks Italian, a New Jersey-based DJ/entertainer with poor fashion (okay, that fits into the Not Surprising category). And don't even get me started on Emily's newly-inflated boobs.

Some highlights from last night.

• Countless awkward scenes with Emily's daughter, hereafter referred to as Ricki Bobby
• Kalon's role as this season's villain. He's a "luxury brand consultant" (a personal shopper at Neiman Marcus at the Houston Galleria, I'm sure) and he arrived in a helicopter. What I loved most? His botoxed face and his outfit that almost hit the mark, except it didn't. Sorry your "luxury" dress shirt had a bad, wrinkled collar. 
• Doug, the single dad, who is far too deep and overbearing starting already.
• Charlie, the dude who had a brain injury after he fell off a balcony (what?!) saying: "I may have had a brain injury, but there is nothing wrong with my heart." No. Just no. 
• Emily, on where she wants to be after the show: "In a minivan full of babies." Ew.
• First Impression Rose: Doug, the single dad who clearly forced his 12-year-old son to write a letter to Emily. 

This season's contenders are:

1) Doug

2) Ryan

3) Kalon

4) Arie

5) Charlie

6) Jef with his party hair and fashion

7) Nate

8) Sean

9) Joe

10) Kyle

11) Aaron

12) Alejandro

13) John 

14) Alessandro

15) Michael

16) Stevie

17) Tony

18) Travis

Awards:
1) Best entrance: Ryan, with the cute "You are beautiful / I am nervous" notecards. His jawline is so defined, he looks like the wheelchair cop from Family Guy. In a good way?
2) Worst entrance: Randy, the dude who dressed up like last season's grandma.
3) Worst dressed: Stevie (of course his name is Stevie), the DJ/entertainer from New Jersey. Also, all the dudes wearing black dress shirts. Unfortunately, they're too many to name.
4) The Villain: Kalon.
5) Frontrunners: Ryan and Arie

Until next week,
Mike