The Bachelor Update: Portugal, the date.

FYI this update is going to be short because I'm busy and important and this show is stupid.

This episode takes us to the Portugese coast. There are four dates. But first, former Bachelorette contestants join Des at a poolside gab session where they ogle the guys and talk dirty talk. Catherine (of Sean and Catherine) pretends that her relationship with Sean isn't a complete disaster, and it's amazing.

The first date is with Brooks. They drive a Smart car up and down the coast. They end up on some random cliff in the clouds and make out. Later, they have romantic dinner on a rooftop. We'll ignore the fact that gay Brooks is wearing a HEINOUS striped cardigan, over a wide-collared denim shirt and a black undershirt.

Next date goes to Chris. They go out in the ocean on a ridiculous yacht. They rub each other down with sunblock, take in the sun, yadda yadda yadda. Later, they walk on the "ridges" of some random hill, and share wine and bites. He also reads her another poem. Eek. Then they put the poem in a wine bottle and throw it in the ocean. Did anyone else notice Chris's hot legs? Later, at dinner, they open up even more. Des says she wants three kids, and Chris says the same. Then he reads her ANOTHER poem. Chris. Really? I can't. My favorite part, though? After 18 seasons, I still can't get over the non-response when contestants tell the bachelor/bachelorette that they love them.

Date number three goes to Michael. They have a date and then they have dinner. I think they went go-carting, but who really cares? At dinner, she's over it and there's no connection. He also talks about his ex-girlfriend and his break-up. He opens up and shares his growing feelings, and she basically non-reacts. Poor Michael.

The last date is the two-on-one with Drew and Zak. The ride race cars and stuff. After they ride together, the two boys race each other. Later, they share snacks in the romantic center of the go cart track. Next, Zak gets some one-on-one time with Des. He drew her a book of sketches outlining their relationship--starting with a drawing of his abs. Amazing. Next up, Drew. They sit on tires and share their feelers with each other. Then they kiss. Chris gets the rose (pinned to the center collar of his henley). Zak is stunned. Then they cheers (?!?!?!) all together. So supes awk.

Roses go to: