Thank you for listening to my prayers. You have finally delivered by making this show come to an end.
Okay, America, it's finally time. Pour your wine and gear up. There are two women left, and only one will be standing at the end of the carnage.
It's finally the last episode of this riveting 2.5-month journey we've traveled together. We've been to California, "Canada," island nations, and Asia and stuff. Our final stop: Thailand. Sean has clearly dressed for the occasion by wearing a low-cut purple v-neck. Sean's family arrives shortly after a few minutes of awkward b-roll of Sean mulling over his life choices to be on two seasons of a reality show, and Catherine is first up.
A slightly nervous Catherine arrives to meet the fam. They have lunch, she chats with his mom, and totally bonds with his dad. His dad, clearly the kindest man in the fam, tells Catherine--in a moment of clarity--that "sometimes you just know," and "I'll be your biggest fan." It's cute.
Next up is Lindsay. She is all personality and just perfect. His family totally falls for her, even his pastor dad who gave all his love to Catherine the day before. This time, dad--clad in a sassy teal top with a hot pink undershirt--tells Lindsay all the right things.
After both ladies, Mom cries while talking to Sean because her Southerness is simply overwhelmed by the situation.
Round one winner: Lindsay.
Round two is next. This time Sean sports a teal tank top and too many muscles. First up is Lindsay. They raft down the Mekong river, have dinner, and light lanterns for love, happiness and family. It's cute, but it seems like Sean isn't totally there.
Catherine has her last date next, and she shows up in purple, just like Sean in his low-cut v-neck (again?!?! um...where's the budget, ABC?). Awwww...matchy matchy is cute. Ish. Next up, they take an elephant walk (bonus points for those who know what this is) and share a romantic date in the Thai countryside. Later, they share a romantic night together, and Catherine tells Sean she loves him. And...HE SAYS NOTHING. Awesome move, Sean. Way to make a woman feel loved...or at least remotely wanted. Catherine sums up her feelings with this gem: "I feel like shit." Well said, my dear, well said.
And finally, it's the moment we've been waiting for. But first up, 15 minutes of awkward b-roll showing the three fools getting ready for their proposal-slash-heartbreaking breakup. Before the proposal, we have our inevitable visit from Neil Lane, America's apparently-famous jeweler, so
Sean can pick out his engagement ring we can all see Mr. Lane's latest plastic surgery botch-job. Sean is shirtless, Lindsay is in silver, and Catherine is in gold. Silver and gold? How obvious are they going to be? Also, a heavy sequined dress in hot, humid Thailand? Girls, dress for the weather. Ditch the 82 pound metal dresses and give me something tropical and flowy. Thanks.
Lindsay arrives first with her AMAZINGLY HORRIBLE FOOT TATTOO. Um...Sean hates you. Kidding...but he totally breaks up with her. Sad. She leaves barefoot as, frankly, why should she bother walking away in heels? And America needed another glimpse of that tat.
Next up: cute Catherine. First, she writes him a sweet note. Next, he proposes. It was super cute. She looked adorable, and they rode away on an elephant...again.
- Quote: "All I want to do is move to Dallas." Said no one ever...except Catherine in her letter to Sean.
- Fashion trend of season 82: sparkles! And fluorescent slutty tops worn by men. Yes, men.
- Winner! Winner! Chicken dinner! Catherine.
Over or under: when do they break up? Will they? I kind of think maybe not, but don't quote me. Shhhhh.
Until next season...or whatever,
But wait...After the Final Rose came on right after the finale.
A few notes:
- Sean lost weight between the finale and now. Hooray! Can we see his six pack again?
- Catherine is totes adorbs.
- They're getting married on ABC. Barf. No date yet.
- Next bachelorette? Desiree. We love her. Secretly hoped it would be Lesley, but it's fine.