Welcome to the world’s shortest Bachelor finale. Yes, ABC continues its budget cuts by squeezing the “most dramatic final rose ceremony” into fewer than 60 minutes. Amazing.
To further emphasize the budget woes, the final two ladies do not visit Brad in his hometown, the family comes to Malibu so the girls can just show up in a limo and visit for five minutes.
First things first: the little brother, Wes. Let’s talk about the Womack gene pool and how it pooled all its resources in the first two boys, Brad and Chad. The twins got the business, and the little bro got screwed. Sucks to be him.
DeAnna is the first to arrive at Brad’s bachelor pad. She meets the family, she retains her typical unemotional and business-like persona, and she blows.
Jenni arrives next, and the Womack family stomachs their second meal in two hours and the also does their best to stomach Jenni’s horribly annoying laugh. It’s unbearable to say the least, and I have to mute the telly. Nothing else eventful happens because there’s only 40 minutes left in the episode!
On to step two: the final date before you get a) proposed to; or b) dissed for eternity.
DeAnna cooks or bakes or does something. They cuddle. Nothing happens. Honestly, I’m so glad this is the last episode because I can’t deal anymore.
Jenni entertains Brad next, and she tells him she loves him. Her dress is cheap and dumb and she doesn’t know how to use her chopsticks over their Asian feast. She uses two hands, and I love every minute of it.
And then…we see her tattoo in a brief moment of cinematic genius. Of smiley faces. On her shoulder. It’s really a work of art…by a kindergartner.
And then she reads from her diary. I am forced to hand the remote to my couch companion, Aileen, because she knows I will mute the whole speech. And then she reads the next work of American literary genius from her dear diary. I barf.
Sidenote: worst season ever.
Brad goes to Chopard to buy a ring. And then he shows his hot bod, and then he chooses the girl.
Jenni arrives first. Our thoughts swirl. Is he choosing DeAnna? Is ABC screwing with our minds and making us think he hates Jenni? Is this the worst season ever? Oh, sorry, off topic.
And then, he dumps her. Wait, for real? Is he really choosing the cold, unemotional disaster that is DeAnna? Well, once we see Jenni’s eye make-up, it makes it easier for us, but still. And then, we realize we don’t care because we are entirely uninvested in any of these women.
DeAnna arrives to the scene next. Brad says, “There is not a single thing that I’m looking for in my future wife that DeAnna does not possess.” Oh really. You don’t want emotions? Or, better yet, you want a cold-as-ice bride? Good for you! You win! Brad chooses her. Bore galore.
OR WAIT!!!!! HE DOESN’T!!!!! He leaves her alone on the pedestal while he thinks about it, and then he returns to DUMP HER TOO!!! ARE. YOU. KIDDING?!?!?!?! Sidenote: I felt bad for five seconds while she stood there alone, and then I realize that I love every minute of it because I’m actually surprised. And who cares. She’s cold as ice.
Worst season ever quickly turns into the best ending ever. We no longer have to read in People in January that the blessed engagement is over and Brad has moved on. We no longer have to tell our friends that we like this show even though it blows and it’s full of empty promises.
And so it comes full circle, my beloved readers. We now understand the “budget cuts” and the short episodes, and the utter disaster that was this season. ABC knew there was nothing. We knew too, but we were fooled. I love it.
Until next time…if there is a next time.
Mike
Monday, November 19, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
Fantasyland
Fantasyland
It’s Fantasy Date Night and, although the fantasy we once had that this season would be amazing has long faded, we feign excitement and drink more wine…er…watch the show anyway. It’s a night full of hot tubs, hot bods, and hot moments between lovers. Times three.
First things first. All dates are in the same place: Cabo. Budget cuts much? What ever happened to flying around the world to meet the hoes at various tropical locales? What, ABC has resorted to renting a Hertz Rent-a-car and driving three hours south to dirty Mexico? And, let’s not even mention the fact that the episode is like 39 minutes long. Amazing.
The first fantasy date is with Jenni. She shows up in Cabo and swims with the dolphins with Brad while wearing a cheetah-print bikini with pink bows. Yes, I just wrote “cheetah-print bikini with pink bows” and that’s what she wore. Disaster. Then they had dinner. Brad wore a horrendous lime green shirt and Jenni jumped the gun by asking Brad what was in his pocket (i.e. the proposal to bone from Chris Harrison). They boned. End scene. My favorite part? When Brad pretended that he was worried that she might not want to bone…I mean spend the night together.
Then Between-a-Man showed up with her bangin’ bod (and bad skin). They sailed, they went to Lovers’ Beach (reminder to all lovers: we’re vacationing there immediately), they had dinner and it was awkward as always. Every time they’re together it’s like a blind date all over again. She bullsh*ts him and says the only thing her horribly-judgmental family was concerned about was Brad’s intentions and we see through it. If only we could have seen through the walls of their bedroom as they boned 20 minutes later. Damn the man.
DeAnna arrives last. They drive cars. She tells him she’s falling in love, they kiss. Sidenote: every dinner was at the same place. Again, we realize the real estate market is down and CEO’s of the big banks are dropping like flies, but can ABC make their budget cuts more obvious? Let’s get real. And then…you guessed it…they bone in the Fantasy Suite.
Then, in typical budget-cut fashion, Brad walks into to a rose ceremony of already-assembled ladies waiting to be axed. I love The Bachelor in fast-forward motion.
1) Jenni
2) DeAnna
Between-a-Man is once again just that: Between a man. Girl better go home to her judgy family and find some PhD student to marry. She totally wasted a cute dress for nothing. Between-a holds it together, though. But, she’s been through this before, let’s be honest. I also might think she must be a cold-hearted emotionless actress. Her monologue in the limo on the way home was amazing. Big words, no feeling. It was very well-delivered.
Until next week,
Mike
It’s Fantasy Date Night and, although the fantasy we once had that this season would be amazing has long faded, we feign excitement and drink more wine…er…watch the show anyway. It’s a night full of hot tubs, hot bods, and hot moments between lovers. Times three.
First things first. All dates are in the same place: Cabo. Budget cuts much? What ever happened to flying around the world to meet the hoes at various tropical locales? What, ABC has resorted to renting a Hertz Rent-a-car and driving three hours south to dirty Mexico? And, let’s not even mention the fact that the episode is like 39 minutes long. Amazing.
The first fantasy date is with Jenni. She shows up in Cabo and swims with the dolphins with Brad while wearing a cheetah-print bikini with pink bows. Yes, I just wrote “cheetah-print bikini with pink bows” and that’s what she wore. Disaster. Then they had dinner. Brad wore a horrendous lime green shirt and Jenni jumped the gun by asking Brad what was in his pocket (i.e. the proposal to bone from Chris Harrison). They boned. End scene. My favorite part? When Brad pretended that he was worried that she might not want to bone…I mean spend the night together.
Then Between-a-Man showed up with her bangin’ bod (and bad skin). They sailed, they went to Lovers’ Beach (reminder to all lovers: we’re vacationing there immediately), they had dinner and it was awkward as always. Every time they’re together it’s like a blind date all over again. She bullsh*ts him and says the only thing her horribly-judgmental family was concerned about was Brad’s intentions and we see through it. If only we could have seen through the walls of their bedroom as they boned 20 minutes later. Damn the man.
DeAnna arrives last. They drive cars. She tells him she’s falling in love, they kiss. Sidenote: every dinner was at the same place. Again, we realize the real estate market is down and CEO’s of the big banks are dropping like flies, but can ABC make their budget cuts more obvious? Let’s get real. And then…you guessed it…they bone in the Fantasy Suite.
Then, in typical budget-cut fashion, Brad walks into to a rose ceremony of already-assembled ladies waiting to be axed. I love The Bachelor in fast-forward motion.
1) Jenni
2) DeAnna
Between-a-Man is once again just that: Between a man. Girl better go home to her judgy family and find some PhD student to marry. She totally wasted a cute dress for nothing. Between-a holds it together, though. But, she’s been through this before, let’s be honest. I also might think she must be a cold-hearted emotionless actress. Her monologue in the limo on the way home was amazing. Big words, no feeling. It was very well-delivered.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, October 29, 2007
Remind me not to marry Bettina
The Hometown Date episode. Always an hour full of fun and surprises. Past years have brought us gun-wielding fathers, artificial insemination apparati for horses, parents who speak no English…but that’s all in the past. This year we have trashy hair salons in Wichita, freaky moms in California, and, well, let’s get to it.
The first date (preceded by requisite shower scene as Brad prepares to travel) takes us to Wichita, KS. We visit a scantily-clad Jenni at some theatre where she thoroughly embarrasses herself by dancing poorly for Brad. She gets on stage and shows Brad what she’s made of. Very little. Are you kidding? It’s like a 6th-grade talent show with girls in pink bedazzled tights dancing for pre-pubescent boys in the cafetorium during fifth period. And then we go meet the family at the hair salon. Yes, the hair salon, complete with Grandma wearing a granny slogan tee. Amazing. Grandma asks Brad if he’s a drinking man as they all imbibe beverages during lunch. So weird. And then her mom washes Brad’s hair. I mean…has she inhaled a few too many bad dye jobs over her years at the Wichita family salon? I can’t. It’s just too much. By the end, I feel like the crazy chemistry they once had has faded a bit, but let’s wait and see. And Jenni? Lose the dress. And the trashy family.
Back to California to meet Sheena’s family. Brad meets Sheena in Walnut Creek, CA, just outside of Berkeley. I know this because I’m famous and I travel for work…err…used to travel for work until I assumed my new glamorous life. But back to the point. Sheena’s parents pull up and take the lovebirds tubing…behind a boat that’s FAR too large to be pulling tubers. A 34-foot Sea Ray is no boat for sports on water (I would have said watersports but that word has negative connotations). I know this because I’m basically a yachtsman. And I’m famous. Then we go back to Crazy Mom talking about stars aligning and signs and pure ridiculousity. I’m so serious. I would have removed myself from the conversation immediately. I also would have had to throw up the entire time my mom talked to me about the wedding plans. It’s just too much. She is a loony tune, and Sheena is clearly embarrassed and nervous as her mother is now her biggest liability.
Date three: Canton, GA for a Big Fat Greek Hometown Date. She brings the clichéd Georgia peaches, and I’m bored. They immediately go to the house to meet the dad, family and step-mother. DeAnna’s bitchiness falls by the wayside as she sees her family. And speaking of family…Grandma and Grandpa come over with “the booze” and I’m immediately in love. The grandfather says “Let’s party,” and I seriously think he might be the coolest. They force him to take 82 shots, and I’m not sure how he held it together.
The last date reunites Bettina and Brad in Hell…I mean, at Bettina’s parent’s place in DC. Her dad’s house is totally gorgeous…but that’s about all that’s cute. They question his education, his business, and her father says, “That’s a great disappointment.” He runs a “bunch of bars” and they’re totally judgmental. I mean, I’ve never judged anyone my entire life, so basically these people suck. I mean, your daughter is on The Bachelor. Are you really surprised by what’s happening on the show? Your divorced daughter is basically on a dating show. You knew this. Father takes Daughter out to chat and he’s 100% professor in a bad way. No feelings, all academic. Blah blah blah. The moms question Brad at the same time, and they suck too. Brad is totally offended and I actually feel bad. Bettina tries to tell Brad that she’s “not really that good on paper either,” and that heats him up more. He kind of goes off on her without raising his voice. Poor guy. He’s pissed and he hates her.
In the end, Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Bettina
Sayonara to Sheena, which is a massive slap in the face after his horrible date at Bettina’s. Yikes…I guess Crazy Mom really proved she was a crazy one.
Awards:
1) Most boring Hometown Date episode ever: This one.
2) Least talented Phoenix Suns dancer: Jenni. Remind me to go get popcorn during halftime of the next Suns game I go to.
3) Worst parents: Bettina’s. Best of luck winning. Brad hates your family…fat chance.
Until next week,
Mike
The first date (preceded by requisite shower scene as Brad prepares to travel) takes us to Wichita, KS. We visit a scantily-clad Jenni at some theatre where she thoroughly embarrasses herself by dancing poorly for Brad. She gets on stage and shows Brad what she’s made of. Very little. Are you kidding? It’s like a 6th-grade talent show with girls in pink bedazzled tights dancing for pre-pubescent boys in the cafetorium during fifth period. And then we go meet the family at the hair salon. Yes, the hair salon, complete with Grandma wearing a granny slogan tee. Amazing. Grandma asks Brad if he’s a drinking man as they all imbibe beverages during lunch. So weird. And then her mom washes Brad’s hair. I mean…has she inhaled a few too many bad dye jobs over her years at the Wichita family salon? I can’t. It’s just too much. By the end, I feel like the crazy chemistry they once had has faded a bit, but let’s wait and see. And Jenni? Lose the dress. And the trashy family.
Back to California to meet Sheena’s family. Brad meets Sheena in Walnut Creek, CA, just outside of Berkeley. I know this because I’m famous and I travel for work…err…used to travel for work until I assumed my new glamorous life. But back to the point. Sheena’s parents pull up and take the lovebirds tubing…behind a boat that’s FAR too large to be pulling tubers. A 34-foot Sea Ray is no boat for sports on water (I would have said watersports but that word has negative connotations). I know this because I’m basically a yachtsman. And I’m famous. Then we go back to Crazy Mom talking about stars aligning and signs and pure ridiculousity. I’m so serious. I would have removed myself from the conversation immediately. I also would have had to throw up the entire time my mom talked to me about the wedding plans. It’s just too much. She is a loony tune, and Sheena is clearly embarrassed and nervous as her mother is now her biggest liability.
Date three: Canton, GA for a Big Fat Greek Hometown Date. She brings the clichéd Georgia peaches, and I’m bored. They immediately go to the house to meet the dad, family and step-mother. DeAnna’s bitchiness falls by the wayside as she sees her family. And speaking of family…Grandma and Grandpa come over with “the booze” and I’m immediately in love. The grandfather says “Let’s party,” and I seriously think he might be the coolest. They force him to take 82 shots, and I’m not sure how he held it together.
The last date reunites Bettina and Brad in Hell…I mean, at Bettina’s parent’s place in DC. Her dad’s house is totally gorgeous…but that’s about all that’s cute. They question his education, his business, and her father says, “That’s a great disappointment.” He runs a “bunch of bars” and they’re totally judgmental. I mean, I’ve never judged anyone my entire life, so basically these people suck. I mean, your daughter is on The Bachelor. Are you really surprised by what’s happening on the show? Your divorced daughter is basically on a dating show. You knew this. Father takes Daughter out to chat and he’s 100% professor in a bad way. No feelings, all academic. Blah blah blah. The moms question Brad at the same time, and they suck too. Brad is totally offended and I actually feel bad. Bettina tries to tell Brad that she’s “not really that good on paper either,” and that heats him up more. He kind of goes off on her without raising his voice. Poor guy. He’s pissed and he hates her.
In the end, Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Bettina
Sayonara to Sheena, which is a massive slap in the face after his horrible date at Bettina’s. Yikes…I guess Crazy Mom really proved she was a crazy one.
Awards:
1) Most boring Hometown Date episode ever: This one.
2) Least talented Phoenix Suns dancer: Jenni. Remind me to go get popcorn during halftime of the next Suns game I go to.
3) Worst parents: Bettina’s. Best of luck winning. Brad hates your family…fat chance.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, October 22, 2007
Biggest Meltdown Ever
A bottle of wine later, I commence writing.
Chris begins the episode by announcing the next three dates: two one-one-ones and a group date. He is also wearing one of the most tragic shirts I’ve ever seen in Bachelor history. And let’s be honest, there are some rather disastrous fashion choices on this show.
The first date is a one-on-one with Between-a-Man. And that she is. Their romantic date on a gondola on the feces-infested waters of Southern California is truly dream-like. Awkward moments, no chemistry, kisses on the cheek...it’s really what dreams are made of. Bad dreams, that is. Honestly, it was just not cute. What are we, 12? Kissing on the cheek? I mean…
The second date is the group date. It’s a pool party circa 7th grade (did we all hear the girls scream when the invitation announced the pool party theme?). Jenni, Hillary, Christy and DeAnna put on their bikinis (against some of their better judgment) and the party begins! Christy is boring and sits on the sidelines. Hillary gets hammered and says things that ABC bleeps out. I laugh out loud as I read her lips as she goes through her fantasies with Brad “doing her from behind,” “tapping her ass,” and “taking her t*ts out.” Yes, you read correctly. She said this. It was pretty much hilarious and awesome. Brad also tells her he thinks they might be “too good of friends” which is pretty much “you suck” in Bachelor-speak. Then Brad and Jenni make out because they’re madly in love. Date done.
The last date is the “most romantic date yet” (no…really? You don’t say!). The 23-year-old Sheena has a date full of surprises with Brad. She gets to pick out a dress, she gets to dine among a floor full of balloons, she gets to fall down the stairs, et cetera. Yes, fall down the stairs. That’s what I said. Fall down the stairs. Aileen and I both laughed out loud on multiple occasions during the string of events as Sheena appears in her “beautiful” gown and approaches Brad while descending stairs in heels. She falls. It was amazing, and I’m pissed they didn’t replay it 82 times. I mean, she fell down the stairs! Brilliant! I don’t really remember anything else that happened during the rest of the date.
And then there’s the pre-rose-ceremony. Sheena recites the most elementary poem ever composed and Brad pretends it’s romantic. Any mention of “moles” in a poem is just simply un-poetic. DeAnna then sees Brad and comments on her butt. I’m sorry, what?
Meanwhile, Jenni and Between-a-Man talk about Bettina’s supposed sarcasm about her date. Jenni, bad headband and all, is annoyed.
Then Between-a gets some time with Brad. They awkwardly talk about their awkward date and it’s simply awkward. It’s like Bettina and Brad are discussing some sort of official business. Like Bettina’s a tire saleswoman and she’s reading over the new warranty Brad just signed up for. It’s just plain business-like.
And then…Hillary. A very booby Hillary and Brad talk about their friendship. Hillary secretly thinks, “Friendship?!? NOOOOOOOO!!!! You’re my LOVER!!!! I’M CRAZY IN LOVE AND MAYBE JUST CRAZY.” But she evades Brad dissing her and she pretends they are in love.
Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Sheena
4) Bettina
Goodbye: Hillary and Christy
Awards:
1) Most dramatic: Hillary. Enough said.
2) Worst overall look: Jenni. Get some fashion sense. Thanks.
3) Most intense cleavage: Hillary’s. Wow.
Until next week,
Mike
Chris begins the episode by announcing the next three dates: two one-one-ones and a group date. He is also wearing one of the most tragic shirts I’ve ever seen in Bachelor history. And let’s be honest, there are some rather disastrous fashion choices on this show.
The first date is a one-on-one with Between-a-Man. And that she is. Their romantic date on a gondola on the feces-infested waters of Southern California is truly dream-like. Awkward moments, no chemistry, kisses on the cheek...it’s really what dreams are made of. Bad dreams, that is. Honestly, it was just not cute. What are we, 12? Kissing on the cheek? I mean…
The second date is the group date. It’s a pool party circa 7th grade (did we all hear the girls scream when the invitation announced the pool party theme?). Jenni, Hillary, Christy and DeAnna put on their bikinis (against some of their better judgment) and the party begins! Christy is boring and sits on the sidelines. Hillary gets hammered and says things that ABC bleeps out. I laugh out loud as I read her lips as she goes through her fantasies with Brad “doing her from behind,” “tapping her ass,” and “taking her t*ts out.” Yes, you read correctly. She said this. It was pretty much hilarious and awesome. Brad also tells her he thinks they might be “too good of friends” which is pretty much “you suck” in Bachelor-speak. Then Brad and Jenni make out because they’re madly in love. Date done.
The last date is the “most romantic date yet” (no…really? You don’t say!). The 23-year-old Sheena has a date full of surprises with Brad. She gets to pick out a dress, she gets to dine among a floor full of balloons, she gets to fall down the stairs, et cetera. Yes, fall down the stairs. That’s what I said. Fall down the stairs. Aileen and I both laughed out loud on multiple occasions during the string of events as Sheena appears in her “beautiful” gown and approaches Brad while descending stairs in heels. She falls. It was amazing, and I’m pissed they didn’t replay it 82 times. I mean, she fell down the stairs! Brilliant! I don’t really remember anything else that happened during the rest of the date.
And then there’s the pre-rose-ceremony. Sheena recites the most elementary poem ever composed and Brad pretends it’s romantic. Any mention of “moles” in a poem is just simply un-poetic. DeAnna then sees Brad and comments on her butt. I’m sorry, what?
Meanwhile, Jenni and Between-a-Man talk about Bettina’s supposed sarcasm about her date. Jenni, bad headband and all, is annoyed.
Then Between-a gets some time with Brad. They awkwardly talk about their awkward date and it’s simply awkward. It’s like Bettina and Brad are discussing some sort of official business. Like Bettina’s a tire saleswoman and she’s reading over the new warranty Brad just signed up for. It’s just plain business-like.
And then…Hillary. A very booby Hillary and Brad talk about their friendship. Hillary secretly thinks, “Friendship?!? NOOOOOOOO!!!! You’re my LOVER!!!! I’M CRAZY IN LOVE AND MAYBE JUST CRAZY.” But she evades Brad dissing her and she pretends they are in love.
Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Sheena
4) Bettina
Goodbye: Hillary and Christy
Awards:
1) Most dramatic: Hillary. Enough said.
2) Worst overall look: Jenni. Get some fashion sense. Thanks.
3) Most intense cleavage: Hillary’s. Wow.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, October 15, 2007
9 to 6.
Nine ladies. Three dates. At least two fake boobs. One mullet.
The first date is a one-on-one with the chick Brad really likes: Jenni with an “i.” Just as she danced her way onto the Phoenix Suns dance team and E-List fame, Jenni has danced her way to Brad’s heart and he’s smitten. In typical Bachelor fashion, Brad arrives via helicopter to whisk away his lady to fantasy land (what would a season of The Bachelor be without a helicopter ride and awkward conversation via headsets?). That fantasy land means downtown LA is debatable, but whatever. The lovebirds dine al fresco on a rooftop and make out on the couch.
Meanwhile, at the manse, the eight gals who were left behind begin to bicker. McCarten and DeAnna, in their bitchy ways, stirred the pot and got a rise out of Jade. Yes, we’re still wondering about why Jade has a mullet, but it’s fine.
Clearly, after the make-out, Brad gives Jenni a rose.
Date two is a group date with Sheena, McCarten, Hillary, Bettina, Stephy and Kristy. They do some improv, Bettina embarrasses herself by blurting out “I love you Brad,” Hillary is actually kinda funny, and Kristy is a big mess. Bettina’s boobs were also surprisingly perky as she acted like a dog, supine on the floor. In the end, Between-a-Man gets the rose.
Before the date ends, DeAnna and Jade get their date box back at home and the drama heats up: only one will return. Ooooooh…
The third date begins with a tense limo ride between the two girls who hate each other. So fun…gotta love the tension. I’m watching and awaiting an all-out bitch fight…here’s hopin’.
The date begins with Brad questioning the girls, and the competition begins. I get uncomfortable immediately. Is this a reenactment of the Kristen Wiig skit on SNL where she one-ups everything everyone says? Yes. I pretty much invented love, so…
Sidenote: I’ve decided I’m over DeAnna. She’s a wench. Her Greekness, which I would usually love, kind of loses its luster when she opens her mouth and her Southern twang falls out. It’s like Spinakopita served with a stale Waffle House waffle. They just don’t go together. I also hate Jade’s hair.
And then, the rose…goes…to…DeAnna. Of course it does. He walks Jade to the door, shares some platitudes with her like, “I think you’re a wonderful person,” and she’s on her way back to Tennessee. Rocky Top!! Cue the hot tub scene with DeAnna and Brad. End scene.
Sidenote Two: This season is boring.
Before the rose ceremony, some more truths come out. The hoes hear who Brad kissed first, the inevitable drama ensues, it’s fabulous. A few “sluts” are tossed out there, it’s simply grand. I mean, what did these girls expect? Brad to go all Mormon on us and not kiss anyone? Or do they want him to go all Mormon on us and marry everyone? I’m just sayin’…don’t get all Mitt Romney on my ass right now.
Love that Brad thinks Kristy might be too “refined” for him. I’m sorry, is her moustache refined? Did I miss something?
What I hate about Brad are his answers and his annoying reassurances like “It’s okay,” “Don’t worry,” when girls start to cry or when things get uncomfortable. Just shut up.
And the final six are:
1) Jenni
2) DeAnna
3) Bettina
4) Kristy
5) Sheena
6) Hillary
Adios Stephy and McCarten.
Awards:
1) Best fake ones: Between-a-Man’s.
2) Biggest bitch: DeAnna.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. did anyone catch all the “mosts” coming up next week? “Most dramatic exit ever,” “Most romantic date ever,” it’s just too much!
The first date is a one-on-one with the chick Brad really likes: Jenni with an “i.” Just as she danced her way onto the Phoenix Suns dance team and E-List fame, Jenni has danced her way to Brad’s heart and he’s smitten. In typical Bachelor fashion, Brad arrives via helicopter to whisk away his lady to fantasy land (what would a season of The Bachelor be without a helicopter ride and awkward conversation via headsets?). That fantasy land means downtown LA is debatable, but whatever. The lovebirds dine al fresco on a rooftop and make out on the couch.
Meanwhile, at the manse, the eight gals who were left behind begin to bicker. McCarten and DeAnna, in their bitchy ways, stirred the pot and got a rise out of Jade. Yes, we’re still wondering about why Jade has a mullet, but it’s fine.
Clearly, after the make-out, Brad gives Jenni a rose.
Date two is a group date with Sheena, McCarten, Hillary, Bettina, Stephy and Kristy. They do some improv, Bettina embarrasses herself by blurting out “I love you Brad,” Hillary is actually kinda funny, and Kristy is a big mess. Bettina’s boobs were also surprisingly perky as she acted like a dog, supine on the floor. In the end, Between-a-Man gets the rose.
Before the date ends, DeAnna and Jade get their date box back at home and the drama heats up: only one will return. Ooooooh…
The third date begins with a tense limo ride between the two girls who hate each other. So fun…gotta love the tension. I’m watching and awaiting an all-out bitch fight…here’s hopin’.
The date begins with Brad questioning the girls, and the competition begins. I get uncomfortable immediately. Is this a reenactment of the Kristen Wiig skit on SNL where she one-ups everything everyone says? Yes. I pretty much invented love, so…
Sidenote: I’ve decided I’m over DeAnna. She’s a wench. Her Greekness, which I would usually love, kind of loses its luster when she opens her mouth and her Southern twang falls out. It’s like Spinakopita served with a stale Waffle House waffle. They just don’t go together. I also hate Jade’s hair.
And then, the rose…goes…to…DeAnna. Of course it does. He walks Jade to the door, shares some platitudes with her like, “I think you’re a wonderful person,” and she’s on her way back to Tennessee. Rocky Top!! Cue the hot tub scene with DeAnna and Brad. End scene.
Sidenote Two: This season is boring.
Before the rose ceremony, some more truths come out. The hoes hear who Brad kissed first, the inevitable drama ensues, it’s fabulous. A few “sluts” are tossed out there, it’s simply grand. I mean, what did these girls expect? Brad to go all Mormon on us and not kiss anyone? Or do they want him to go all Mormon on us and marry everyone? I’m just sayin’…don’t get all Mitt Romney on my ass right now.
Love that Brad thinks Kristy might be too “refined” for him. I’m sorry, is her moustache refined? Did I miss something?
What I hate about Brad are his answers and his annoying reassurances like “It’s okay,” “Don’t worry,” when girls start to cry or when things get uncomfortable. Just shut up.
And the final six are:
1) Jenni
2) DeAnna
3) Bettina
4) Kristy
5) Sheena
6) Hillary
Adios Stephy and McCarten.
Awards:
1) Best fake ones: Between-a-Man’s.
2) Biggest bitch: DeAnna.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. did anyone catch all the “mosts” coming up next week? “Most dramatic exit ever,” “Most romantic date ever,” it’s just too much!
Monday, October 08, 2007
Special Parts
So we’re down to 12. 12 hoes showing their claws, fighting for their man, embarrassing themselves, you know the drill.
Tonight there are three dates: two group dates and a one-on-one.
The first date is a group date, and it involves the circus. Yes, the circus. The Bachelor goes carnie, and I love every minute of it. The troop of carnies are Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsey, Sarah and DeAnna. Brad picks up the girls only to take them to the “Luxury Box” at the circus. Excuse me? Luxury box and circus in the same sentence? Oxymoronic much?
Nothing really happens at the circus except circus freaks, circus acts, and the first rose going to Stephy because she talks about her dad and how amazing he is. Not into it. Oh, and Brad still likes Jenni with an “i” because the chemistry is “beyond words” and because she shakes her ass like a professional dancer. Because that’s what she is. In Phoenix. Another kicker is McCarten referencing her three-year relationship…when she was 13. Amazing. Congrats on dating someone in 8th grade.
The second date is the famed one-on-one. Hillary meets Brad lookin’ all cute, and is immediately bejeweled with $1,000,000 worth of bling. Brilly. Then they fly to San Francisco and have a gay old time. The eat dinner, Hillary cries. They drink champagne, Hillary cries. They have dessert, Hillary cries. And so on. But Brad is wooed by her tears and he gives her a rose. She’s a raging emotional mess, and I love it. Her hair is remarkably huge. Does she have roots in Texas?
The third date reunites Christy, Sheena, Jade, Bettina, and Solisa with their beloved Brad. They go sailing, they ride wave runners, they get pulled over by aqua cops, they confess divorces...you know, all the normal stuff. Yes, Sheena did a power slide and got pulled over, and Between-a-man told Brad about her divorce. Then Christy got the rose and Bettina figured it was totally because of her ex-hubby. We’re not sure. But we are sure that Christy has an annoying laugh.
And then…Brad’s twin arrives! His “identical” twin, although we can all easily differentiate him from Brad physically…but not aurally. They don’t so much look identical, but when they talk, it sounds like Brad is having a heart-to-heart with himself. I literally laughed out loud. But not as much as when I realized they were named Chad and Brad. What parents do that? Chad also has a wedding ring tan line.
Chad, studied and ready, enters the cocktail party with the ladies and charms them with his unidentical-to-Brad looks. McCarten, the first one to face Chad (and the worst dressed) just doesn’t get it. Lindsey, the “model” from Michigan, is totally won over by “Brad” and her smarts are reaffirmed. She’s basically Einstein.
Sheena immediately realizes something is different. She’s a sweetheart.
Christy does the same. Between-a-man (Bettina) also notices. Stephy and some other chick notice as well. Sarah also thinks he’s different…but she doesn’t really get it.
Roses go to:
1) Stephy
2) Hillary
3) Christy
4) Sheena
5) McCarten
6) Jenni (with an “i”)
7) Jade
8) DeAnna
9) Between-a-Man (Bettina)
Peace out to:
1) Sarah
2) Solisa
3) Lindsey
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Smartest: Lindsey. Chad didn’t even register on her radar.
2) Best Carnie: Jenni with an “i.” She did a double back handspring!
3) Best Voiceover: Chad. Brad and Chad pretty much share a voice.
4) Best use of the phrase “special parts:” Solisa. Honey, we saw your “special parts” last episode when you took your top off.
5) Worst dressed: McCarten at the rose ceremony. Teal meets blue meets green meets vomit.
Until next week,
Mike
Tonight there are three dates: two group dates and a one-on-one.
The first date is a group date, and it involves the circus. Yes, the circus. The Bachelor goes carnie, and I love every minute of it. The troop of carnies are Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsey, Sarah and DeAnna. Brad picks up the girls only to take them to the “Luxury Box” at the circus. Excuse me? Luxury box and circus in the same sentence? Oxymoronic much?
Nothing really happens at the circus except circus freaks, circus acts, and the first rose going to Stephy because she talks about her dad and how amazing he is. Not into it. Oh, and Brad still likes Jenni with an “i” because the chemistry is “beyond words” and because she shakes her ass like a professional dancer. Because that’s what she is. In Phoenix. Another kicker is McCarten referencing her three-year relationship…when she was 13. Amazing. Congrats on dating someone in 8th grade.
The second date is the famed one-on-one. Hillary meets Brad lookin’ all cute, and is immediately bejeweled with $1,000,000 worth of bling. Brilly. Then they fly to San Francisco and have a gay old time. The eat dinner, Hillary cries. They drink champagne, Hillary cries. They have dessert, Hillary cries. And so on. But Brad is wooed by her tears and he gives her a rose. She’s a raging emotional mess, and I love it. Her hair is remarkably huge. Does she have roots in Texas?
The third date reunites Christy, Sheena, Jade, Bettina, and Solisa with their beloved Brad. They go sailing, they ride wave runners, they get pulled over by aqua cops, they confess divorces...you know, all the normal stuff. Yes, Sheena did a power slide and got pulled over, and Between-a-man told Brad about her divorce. Then Christy got the rose and Bettina figured it was totally because of her ex-hubby. We’re not sure. But we are sure that Christy has an annoying laugh.
And then…Brad’s twin arrives! His “identical” twin, although we can all easily differentiate him from Brad physically…but not aurally. They don’t so much look identical, but when they talk, it sounds like Brad is having a heart-to-heart with himself. I literally laughed out loud. But not as much as when I realized they were named Chad and Brad. What parents do that? Chad also has a wedding ring tan line.
Chad, studied and ready, enters the cocktail party with the ladies and charms them with his unidentical-to-Brad looks. McCarten, the first one to face Chad (and the worst dressed) just doesn’t get it. Lindsey, the “model” from Michigan, is totally won over by “Brad” and her smarts are reaffirmed. She’s basically Einstein.
Sheena immediately realizes something is different. She’s a sweetheart.
Christy does the same. Between-a-man (Bettina) also notices. Stephy and some other chick notice as well. Sarah also thinks he’s different…but she doesn’t really get it.
Roses go to:
1) Stephy
2) Hillary
3) Christy
4) Sheena
5) McCarten
6) Jenni (with an “i”)
7) Jade
8) DeAnna
9) Between-a-Man (Bettina)
Peace out to:
1) Sarah
2) Solisa
3) Lindsey
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Smartest: Lindsey. Chad didn’t even register on her radar.
2) Best Carnie: Jenni with an “i.” She did a double back handspring!
3) Best Voiceover: Chad. Brad and Chad pretty much share a voice.
4) Best use of the phrase “special parts:” Solisa. Honey, we saw your “special parts” last episode when you took your top off.
5) Worst dressed: McCarten at the rose ceremony. Teal meets blue meets green meets vomit.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, October 01, 2007
Slip and Fall.
What could be better than a little Bachelor after a long day of work? A ton of wine, and then the Bachelor after a long day of work. Wine makes everything more bearable…especially awkward first kisses placed upon unsuspecting bachelors. McCarten, please don’t do that anymore. I covered my face with a pillow during your sly smooch.
Anyway, let’s get to the meat. And by “meat” I don’t mean Brad’s Adonis-like frame…although it is delicious. I mean the drama. Let’s get to it!
Today is the first of many first group dates. Group dates are no fun and tons of fun all at once. No fun for the hoes, but oh so much fun for me!
The first group date was a day at the races with girls wearing unfortunate dresses and bad hats. That’s pretty much it. Unless you want to talk about the forced kiss placed on Brad by McCarten during their one-on-one. Yes. Disaster. And we love Brad for laughing about it. I have a feeling I like this bachelor. He’s honest and he has no problem laughing at chicks while he talks about them behind their back on camera. Nothing else happens on the first date except for the fact that he gives DeAnna the first rose. A big fat Greek first rose.
Meanwhile, Jersey Trash, I mean Michele, falls and hits her head back at the house. Who cares?
The second date pins the racier gals against Brad (quite literally). The bikini-clad disasters join Brad at a seaside manse for a day of fun and sun in Malibu. The ‘Bu always seems to bring out the drama. Britney driving with her children on her lap (oops…lost custody, Brit?), Solisa declaring she’s a Christian only to take her top off hours later…you get the drift. A minute into the date in Malibu, Brad takes HIS top off and we see the guns. I’ll forgive him for flexing his stomach, but it’s fine. Solisa is a Christian and it makes me feel better. Then Brad makes out with Jenni, while the girls back at home go through her stuff. Seriously, they rifle through her luggage and fine B-Model pics! So mean.
Brad gives the special rose to Sarah, who is cute because she’s from the Midwest. And then the first hot tub experience of the season occurs. Solisa, the Christian, gets out and takes her top off and runs to the ocean. Solisa, the Christian. The one who has morals and values and praises Baby Jesus at every turn, and has enormously fake boobs. That dirty Solisa. And so ends the second date.
And then comes the pre-rose-ceremony. Secrets come out. Bettina (Between-a-man) tells Brad about her divorce. Nevermind, she’s doesn’t. She wanted to, though. But let’s be real here. Her name is Bettina. Of course she’s been divorced. Who could spend eternity with that name? I’m so evil for saying that.
Then the hoes say mean things about Jenni and her modeling portfolio. Awesome. Jenni’s fake tears flow, and it’s so very genuine. Blah blah blah.
Roses:
1) Kristy
2) Bettina (a.k.a Between-a-man). God I’m brilliant.
3) Hillary
4) Stephy
5) Sheena
6) McCarten
7) Jenni
8) Lindsey
9) Jade
10) Solisa, the Christian.
11) DeAnna (from date one)
12) Sarah (from date two)
The ladies to leave are:
1) Michele, the concussion
2) Erin, from Tampa
3) Mallory the Hawaiian
Awards:
1) Best Christian: Solisa. Nothing says “I love Jesus” like taking your top off in front of strangers.
2) Best Slip and Fall: Michele’s fall down the stairs. Oops…hate it when that happens.
3) Best new nickname: Between-A-Man (Bettina, the once-married suitress).
Until next week, keep your tops on. Or take them off if you’re Christians.
Mike
Anyway, let’s get to the meat. And by “meat” I don’t mean Brad’s Adonis-like frame…although it is delicious. I mean the drama. Let’s get to it!
Today is the first of many first group dates. Group dates are no fun and tons of fun all at once. No fun for the hoes, but oh so much fun for me!
The first group date was a day at the races with girls wearing unfortunate dresses and bad hats. That’s pretty much it. Unless you want to talk about the forced kiss placed on Brad by McCarten during their one-on-one. Yes. Disaster. And we love Brad for laughing about it. I have a feeling I like this bachelor. He’s honest and he has no problem laughing at chicks while he talks about them behind their back on camera. Nothing else happens on the first date except for the fact that he gives DeAnna the first rose. A big fat Greek first rose.
Meanwhile, Jersey Trash, I mean Michele, falls and hits her head back at the house. Who cares?
The second date pins the racier gals against Brad (quite literally). The bikini-clad disasters join Brad at a seaside manse for a day of fun and sun in Malibu. The ‘Bu always seems to bring out the drama. Britney driving with her children on her lap (oops…lost custody, Brit?), Solisa declaring she’s a Christian only to take her top off hours later…you get the drift. A minute into the date in Malibu, Brad takes HIS top off and we see the guns. I’ll forgive him for flexing his stomach, but it’s fine. Solisa is a Christian and it makes me feel better. Then Brad makes out with Jenni, while the girls back at home go through her stuff. Seriously, they rifle through her luggage and fine B-Model pics! So mean.
Brad gives the special rose to Sarah, who is cute because she’s from the Midwest. And then the first hot tub experience of the season occurs. Solisa, the Christian, gets out and takes her top off and runs to the ocean. Solisa, the Christian. The one who has morals and values and praises Baby Jesus at every turn, and has enormously fake boobs. That dirty Solisa. And so ends the second date.
And then comes the pre-rose-ceremony. Secrets come out. Bettina (Between-a-man) tells Brad about her divorce. Nevermind, she’s doesn’t. She wanted to, though. But let’s be real here. Her name is Bettina. Of course she’s been divorced. Who could spend eternity with that name? I’m so evil for saying that.
Then the hoes say mean things about Jenni and her modeling portfolio. Awesome. Jenni’s fake tears flow, and it’s so very genuine. Blah blah blah.
Roses:
1) Kristy
2) Bettina (a.k.a Between-a-man). God I’m brilliant.
3) Hillary
4) Stephy
5) Sheena
6) McCarten
7) Jenni
8) Lindsey
9) Jade
10) Solisa, the Christian.
11) DeAnna (from date one)
12) Sarah (from date two)
The ladies to leave are:
1) Michele, the concussion
2) Erin, from Tampa
3) Mallory the Hawaiian
Awards:
1) Best Christian: Solisa. Nothing says “I love Jesus” like taking your top off in front of strangers.
2) Best Slip and Fall: Michele’s fall down the stairs. Oops…hate it when that happens.
3) Best new nickname: Between-A-Man (Bettina, the once-married suitress).
Until next week, keep your tops on. Or take them off if you’re Christians.
Mike
Monday, September 24, 2007
The tears begin.
Welcome back to your favorite reading experience of the week. Since the last season, my life has not changed. I am still famous and I am still amazing.
And on to the show! Four months later, the best television show, on, well, television is back. And those of us that cherish quality programming couldn’t be happier. Those of us that cherish quality programming also don’t tune into shows like ABC’s The Bachelor.
The 82nd season begins with The Sexiest Bachelor Ever’s life story. Little Brad Womack grew up in privilege in Atlanta amidst the pristine White Flight suburbs that evoke all the best connotations of the South. Soon his Daddy boned the help and they lost all their money. Hotlanta quickly becomes Texas Trailer Trash, and Brad learns what it’s like to be poor. Then he skips college to work on an oil rig and now he’s living the dream as a bar owner. Truly an American success story.
Will he prove to be the Sexiest Bachelor Ever? Time will tell. But the shower scenes bode well for his race for the prize, if I must say so myself.
But on to the bitches. Big fat mess. Possibly three dresses were cute. Most were ehhh, and a few were downright horrifying. As a connoisseur of fashion (newly appointed), I must say it was a poor showing on behalf of the ladies. Another poor showing? The racial diversity. Literally there was a token black girl and maybe a half-Asian and that’s all. I mean…
Some highlights: Sheena’s paper-shredder dress; Bettina’s, Tauni’s, Solisa’s, and McCarten’s names; Solisa’s ginormous jugs; Solisa’s job as an “esthetician.” And this was before he entered the party!
The sh*tshow begins soon after they ladies arrive. Drinks are served, stories of broken faces are shared, and padded boob cups come out of dresses. And then Juli (without an “e”) performs the human pretzel. And then Melissa, who is hammered, loses the boob cup. And then Morgan shows us her webbed feet. And then Brad reacts to the feet by laughing so hard he cries. And then Mallory gets in the pool. And then, well, you get the point. What a mess. Who the eff are these girls? And who raised them?!?
Brad gives the First Impression Rose to Jenni, a dancer with the Phoenix Suns who doesn’t appear to dance all that well. She also appears to be a Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike complete with big hair and big forehead. Let’s just say, I wasn’t particularly impressed.
After a wee bit of deliberation, Brad chooses his suitors.
1) Jenni
2) Jade
3) Bettina
4) McCarten
5) Hillary
6) DeAnna
7) Michele
8) Sheena
9) Estefania
10) Erin
11) Solisa
12) Lindsey
13) Sarah
14) Mallory
15) Kristy
Tonight’s awards:
Wastoid Wino/Trainwreck: Melissa
Best job: Esthetician. In case you were wondering, Solisa gives facials.
Biggest Ta-Tas: Solisa’s.
Until next week…
Mike
And on to the show! Four months later, the best television show, on, well, television is back. And those of us that cherish quality programming couldn’t be happier. Those of us that cherish quality programming also don’t tune into shows like ABC’s The Bachelor.
The 82nd season begins with The Sexiest Bachelor Ever’s life story. Little Brad Womack grew up in privilege in Atlanta amidst the pristine White Flight suburbs that evoke all the best connotations of the South. Soon his Daddy boned the help and they lost all their money. Hotlanta quickly becomes Texas Trailer Trash, and Brad learns what it’s like to be poor. Then he skips college to work on an oil rig and now he’s living the dream as a bar owner. Truly an American success story.
Will he prove to be the Sexiest Bachelor Ever? Time will tell. But the shower scenes bode well for his race for the prize, if I must say so myself.
But on to the bitches. Big fat mess. Possibly three dresses were cute. Most were ehhh, and a few were downright horrifying. As a connoisseur of fashion (newly appointed), I must say it was a poor showing on behalf of the ladies. Another poor showing? The racial diversity. Literally there was a token black girl and maybe a half-Asian and that’s all. I mean…
Some highlights: Sheena’s paper-shredder dress; Bettina’s, Tauni’s, Solisa’s, and McCarten’s names; Solisa’s ginormous jugs; Solisa’s job as an “esthetician.” And this was before he entered the party!
The sh*tshow begins soon after they ladies arrive. Drinks are served, stories of broken faces are shared, and padded boob cups come out of dresses. And then Juli (without an “e”) performs the human pretzel. And then Melissa, who is hammered, loses the boob cup. And then Morgan shows us her webbed feet. And then Brad reacts to the feet by laughing so hard he cries. And then Mallory gets in the pool. And then, well, you get the point. What a mess. Who the eff are these girls? And who raised them?!?
Brad gives the First Impression Rose to Jenni, a dancer with the Phoenix Suns who doesn’t appear to dance all that well. She also appears to be a Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike complete with big hair and big forehead. Let’s just say, I wasn’t particularly impressed.
After a wee bit of deliberation, Brad chooses his suitors.
1) Jenni
2) Jade
3) Bettina
4) McCarten
5) Hillary
6) DeAnna
7) Michele
8) Sheena
9) Estefania
10) Erin
11) Solisa
12) Lindsey
13) Sarah
14) Mallory
15) Kristy
Tonight’s awards:
Wastoid Wino/Trainwreck: Melissa
Best job: Esthetician. In case you were wondering, Solisa gives facials.
Biggest Ta-Tas: Solisa’s.
Until next week…
Mike
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tessa and Andy: SO over!
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20051896,00.html
It's official people, our beloved couple has ended their engagement. Tessa and Andy are done.
Off to drink away my sorrows...
It's official people, our beloved couple has ended their engagement. Tessa and Andy are done.
Off to drink away my sorrows...
Thursday, August 09, 2007
And the new bachelor? Texas McDrunky!
Just 2.5 months ago, our beloved Andy and Tessa embarked upon their lives together (what, no break-up yet?), and ABC has already announced Bachelor Version 82.
No need to read the lengthy bio on the ABC page, though. I've summarized it below.
A 34-year-old, bar-owning college dropout who owns four bars and wears ill-fitting blazers (see blazer above, and the classy microsuede number on the ABC site)! Basically, he's a dream. If your dream involves a life in a suburban Texas trailer park...
Until September 24,
Mike
Monday, May 21, 2007
The Finale, or, "I Freakin' Love You!"
Please tell me I wasn’t the only one with a racing heart in the opening moments of the show. Seriously. Has my live devolved into this? Do I really live for Monday nights during which I can see “real” people “fall in love” on national television in a series of well-planned-out scenarios? Who am I kidding? Of course this is my life. And I love it.
It’s the night we’ve been living for for the last few months: tonight is the finale of Bachelor, Officer and a Gentleman (writing that makes me laugh a little bit). It’s the OG’s big night, so let’s put on our party dresses and get to business. (For those of you who have seen me in a dress…you know how good I look right now.) And then ABC throws more of the “Love lift us up where we belong” in our faces, and I vomit.
The show officially begins back on Lancaster, PA, Andy’s hometown. The all-American colonial house is just too all-American for me, but it’s fine. Then we meet the family who seem to happily inhabit the all-American home and all-American lifestyle, in their farmhouse-chic décor. OK, “chic” is a bit generous, let’s be honest. Upon meeting the family, I’m not really sure where Andy’s good looks come from…I’m just sayin’.
Tessa arrives first, and Andy totally lights up. Sidenote: the Mom-Future-Daughter-in-Law hug reveals Andy’s mom’s butterfly clip in her hair…not cute. From the get go, the family sits her down and grills her. Sidenote #2: Tessa’s shirt is horrendous. It might possibly match the “farmhouse-chic” thing the Baldwin’s have going on. At lunch we hear about Andy’s parents meeting at the Cornell library. Grandpa asks Tessa about her religion, it’s uncomfortable, but then we turn to Tessa’s career in social work, and then to her life in five years. Worst question ever. What would I say? Clearly I’ll be famous, but what else?
Andy’s red-headed sister gets to the dirt and asks Tessa about her feelings for Andy, her intentions, and her desire to move and continue the relationship. Besides the sister’s eye make-up, it was cute. Overall the first meeting of the parents went well, and Tessa is on her way.
A couple hours later, Bevin arrives to Farmtown, USA, and the family is forced to eat another large meal together. I’m totally not a fan of having the families meet the two girls on the same day, but, then again, I’m also not a fan of Bevin. So who cares? Bevin arrives, looking cute, and the evening begins. Sidenote #3: How much do we love the silent grandma’s velour track suit? I’m just dying!
Bevin begins talking about her work, and then she launches into her studies regarding libido and sexual dysfunction, and Grandpa gets a bit worried. Then she talks about her Bahai faith, and, well, it didn’t go over too well. The family then catches on to the fact that they have a physical connection, but is that all? Mom is super intuitive and calls Andy out on the fact that he is justifying his feelings for Bevin. I love it! I don’t love Mom’s sweater. But let’s get back to Grandma’s track suit.
After dinner, Bevin opens up more and laughs quite a bit while chatting with the family and looking at slides of Andy as a child with an outty (sp?) belly button. Wait…does Andy really like her? And with that, she heads home.
Overall, I actually felt like Bevin fared a little better meeting the family, but the jury’s still out.
Now, on to Family Time. Mom goes back into intuitive mode, and I love it. Totally love that she sees that Andy thrives off Bevin being crazy for him. Grandpa brings up the point that Tessa is a bit guarded, because he likes her more. Then Grandpa says Andy is “turned on” by Bevin, and I’m embarrassed. Grandpa is totally pushing Tessa, and it’s cute. No one in the family has serious issues with either woman, though, and it leaves Andy in a pickle.
Back in Hawaii, the last dates begin. Bevin joins Andy in Oahu, and the heat is on. Is Andy able to see a life with her? Or does he just want one last bone session? No time to worry too much, because they’re getting in a helicopter and Bevin starts giggling and making weird noises. Basically she needs to shut up. No one wants to spend their life with a cackling, bumbling idiot. Shhhh…
Up in the air, she squeaks some more as they fly over the Hawaiian coast. It’s romantic after she shuts up. Then the two go on a nature hike, and he grills her a bit. “Would you be happy here with me?” he asks. Tough one to answer, admittedly, but she does her best. In typical bachelor fashion, he can reassure her because that’s how the show rolls. Then he makes her put herself more out on the line by saying, “I want to hear you say this is what you want.” So not fair. But whatever.
The night begins with the two on a veranda and Andy says, “I’m in frickin’ love.” I’m sorry, WHAT?!?!? I just don’t have energy to analyze this statement right now because I need more wine. They make out for 82 hours. Bevin gives him a present which includes a sweet card and a horrifically ugly watch. I was expecting so much more. G String anyone? Then Bevin says, “I love you,” in a disgustingly cheesy way. And I hate it. You can’t pull out “I love you” just to try to win. Wait, is this a first? And then he says, “I LOVE YOU TOO.” WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’m ill. This is just too much. The producers must have been DYING. Holy balls, Andy apparently likes Bevin. But is this all a ploy? We haven’t seen Tessa now for the past 44 minutes (I counted), so there must be something spicy in the future between Andy and his beloved Tessa.
Sidenote #4 (during commercial break). Let’s talk about the pocket gay (mini-gay) at my gym what was wearing a Project Runway (hit Bravo show) t-shirt this evening. It was just too much.
Finally, 49 minutes later, Tessa comes back to Andy. They go horseback riding on the beach, and I’m a bit worried about Tessa falling out of her low-cut shirt, but it’s not really my problem. After a fun ride, they happen upon a beach scene with blanket and water toys all laid out. How did that happen? After a sunset swim, I think Andy is back on track with his feelings for Tessa. It’s probably beer-induced, but what isn’t alcohol-induced on this show? Sometimes I want to move into the bachelor, as if it were a house or something. Just think: endless drinks, tasty food, and lots of make outs. Heaven, anyone? (Again, whomever feels the need to nominate me to be the next bachelor, I’m totally game. Or at least let me be a contestant on the Bachelorette.)
During a romantic room-service dinner, they get to the heart of the issue at hand. He asks big questions, she gives big answers. He has big biceps, she has…big cheeks? Anyway, it gets a bit cuter because she gives him a little gift. Not only is her wrapping better than Bevin's, her love note is cuter (although awkwardly read by Andy), and so is her present. She “doesn’t want to go back to the life she was living before [she] met [him]” and he likes that. She also tells him she loves him. Tessa totally opens up for the first time, and he kisses her. Then he says, “I love you Tessa,” back! Okay, he is a dick or something. You can’t say that twice in a row. The present, by the way, is a cute collage of pictures and memories. “I freakin’ love you…that’s so awesome” says our studied doctor. Wow, has he ever got a way with words! Although it was less steamy than his date with Bevin, he is always more drawn to Tessa’s coy and very real character.
Then, it’s the day we’ve been waiting for. But we can’t get to the big moment without a good 30 minutes of montage: cheesy, deep-in-thought shots of Andy and the two women all alone, pondering their respective futures in the serenity that is Hawaii. It’s basically cinematic genius, and it touches all our hearts. Oh, we also got some good shots of the two remaining ladies crying and talking about their feelings.
And then…it’s on to the final rose ceremony.
Andy positions himself in his ocean-front proposal spot, and awaits the two women. My heart is racing like I just finished spin class. But spinning ended at 7:15pm, so this is all Bachelor-induced.
Bevin arrives first. I’m nervous. And then (you guys, my heart is SERIOUSLY racing) he breaks up with her while starting to cry. Before he says it, she knows it’s over. Wait, it’s a little bit sad. And then he smudges her eye make up to make it look like he punched her in the face. She’s not having it. She has nothing to say, and he is totally torn up about it. Holy awkward and uncomfortable. I can bet you 82 bucks that walk to the limo was Andy’s least favorite part so far. He says, “I will never forget you.” Really? Like it’s even a possibility that you would? And then Bevin has her camera time while weeping.
Andy then has to pull it together. Does anyone else wonder how much time he has between heart-break and proposal? I’m totally curious. 10 minutes? Two hours? Enough time to quickly swim/bike/run an Ironman? Most likely the latter, seeing as we’re dealing with an Officer and a Gentleman here.
Then he awaits his “wish come true” to arrive. Tessa approaches Andy hesitantly, and Andy gets right to the point. Or…well…he gives her a speech of sorts first, and then he gets on one knee. She cries, he talks some more, and asks her to marry him! She says yes! It’s a miracle. (Page Six, you suck. How dare you say she doesn’t say yes!)
And…well, “Love lifts us up where we belong.” And up comes my dinner.
Until next season!
Mike
p.s. Why the last scene with Tessa wearing the dog tags? Why?
It’s the night we’ve been living for for the last few months: tonight is the finale of Bachelor, Officer and a Gentleman (writing that makes me laugh a little bit). It’s the OG’s big night, so let’s put on our party dresses and get to business. (For those of you who have seen me in a dress…you know how good I look right now.) And then ABC throws more of the “Love lift us up where we belong” in our faces, and I vomit.
The show officially begins back on Lancaster, PA, Andy’s hometown. The all-American colonial house is just too all-American for me, but it’s fine. Then we meet the family who seem to happily inhabit the all-American home and all-American lifestyle, in their farmhouse-chic décor. OK, “chic” is a bit generous, let’s be honest. Upon meeting the family, I’m not really sure where Andy’s good looks come from…I’m just sayin’.
Tessa arrives first, and Andy totally lights up. Sidenote: the Mom-Future-Daughter-in-Law hug reveals Andy’s mom’s butterfly clip in her hair…not cute. From the get go, the family sits her down and grills her. Sidenote #2: Tessa’s shirt is horrendous. It might possibly match the “farmhouse-chic” thing the Baldwin’s have going on. At lunch we hear about Andy’s parents meeting at the Cornell library. Grandpa asks Tessa about her religion, it’s uncomfortable, but then we turn to Tessa’s career in social work, and then to her life in five years. Worst question ever. What would I say? Clearly I’ll be famous, but what else?
Andy’s red-headed sister gets to the dirt and asks Tessa about her feelings for Andy, her intentions, and her desire to move and continue the relationship. Besides the sister’s eye make-up, it was cute. Overall the first meeting of the parents went well, and Tessa is on her way.
A couple hours later, Bevin arrives to Farmtown, USA, and the family is forced to eat another large meal together. I’m totally not a fan of having the families meet the two girls on the same day, but, then again, I’m also not a fan of Bevin. So who cares? Bevin arrives, looking cute, and the evening begins. Sidenote #3: How much do we love the silent grandma’s velour track suit? I’m just dying!
Bevin begins talking about her work, and then she launches into her studies regarding libido and sexual dysfunction, and Grandpa gets a bit worried. Then she talks about her Bahai faith, and, well, it didn’t go over too well. The family then catches on to the fact that they have a physical connection, but is that all? Mom is super intuitive and calls Andy out on the fact that he is justifying his feelings for Bevin. I love it! I don’t love Mom’s sweater. But let’s get back to Grandma’s track suit.
After dinner, Bevin opens up more and laughs quite a bit while chatting with the family and looking at slides of Andy as a child with an outty (sp?) belly button. Wait…does Andy really like her? And with that, she heads home.
Overall, I actually felt like Bevin fared a little better meeting the family, but the jury’s still out.
Now, on to Family Time. Mom goes back into intuitive mode, and I love it. Totally love that she sees that Andy thrives off Bevin being crazy for him. Grandpa brings up the point that Tessa is a bit guarded, because he likes her more. Then Grandpa says Andy is “turned on” by Bevin, and I’m embarrassed. Grandpa is totally pushing Tessa, and it’s cute. No one in the family has serious issues with either woman, though, and it leaves Andy in a pickle.
Back in Hawaii, the last dates begin. Bevin joins Andy in Oahu, and the heat is on. Is Andy able to see a life with her? Or does he just want one last bone session? No time to worry too much, because they’re getting in a helicopter and Bevin starts giggling and making weird noises. Basically she needs to shut up. No one wants to spend their life with a cackling, bumbling idiot. Shhhh…
Up in the air, she squeaks some more as they fly over the Hawaiian coast. It’s romantic after she shuts up. Then the two go on a nature hike, and he grills her a bit. “Would you be happy here with me?” he asks. Tough one to answer, admittedly, but she does her best. In typical bachelor fashion, he can reassure her because that’s how the show rolls. Then he makes her put herself more out on the line by saying, “I want to hear you say this is what you want.” So not fair. But whatever.
The night begins with the two on a veranda and Andy says, “I’m in frickin’ love.” I’m sorry, WHAT?!?!? I just don’t have energy to analyze this statement right now because I need more wine. They make out for 82 hours. Bevin gives him a present which includes a sweet card and a horrifically ugly watch. I was expecting so much more. G String anyone? Then Bevin says, “I love you,” in a disgustingly cheesy way. And I hate it. You can’t pull out “I love you” just to try to win. Wait, is this a first? And then he says, “I LOVE YOU TOO.” WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’m ill. This is just too much. The producers must have been DYING. Holy balls, Andy apparently likes Bevin. But is this all a ploy? We haven’t seen Tessa now for the past 44 minutes (I counted), so there must be something spicy in the future between Andy and his beloved Tessa.
Sidenote #4 (during commercial break). Let’s talk about the pocket gay (mini-gay) at my gym what was wearing a Project Runway (hit Bravo show) t-shirt this evening. It was just too much.
Finally, 49 minutes later, Tessa comes back to Andy. They go horseback riding on the beach, and I’m a bit worried about Tessa falling out of her low-cut shirt, but it’s not really my problem. After a fun ride, they happen upon a beach scene with blanket and water toys all laid out. How did that happen? After a sunset swim, I think Andy is back on track with his feelings for Tessa. It’s probably beer-induced, but what isn’t alcohol-induced on this show? Sometimes I want to move into the bachelor, as if it were a house or something. Just think: endless drinks, tasty food, and lots of make outs. Heaven, anyone? (Again, whomever feels the need to nominate me to be the next bachelor, I’m totally game. Or at least let me be a contestant on the Bachelorette.)
During a romantic room-service dinner, they get to the heart of the issue at hand. He asks big questions, she gives big answers. He has big biceps, she has…big cheeks? Anyway, it gets a bit cuter because she gives him a little gift. Not only is her wrapping better than Bevin's, her love note is cuter (although awkwardly read by Andy), and so is her present. She “doesn’t want to go back to the life she was living before [she] met [him]” and he likes that. She also tells him she loves him. Tessa totally opens up for the first time, and he kisses her. Then he says, “I love you Tessa,” back! Okay, he is a dick or something. You can’t say that twice in a row. The present, by the way, is a cute collage of pictures and memories. “I freakin’ love you…that’s so awesome” says our studied doctor. Wow, has he ever got a way with words! Although it was less steamy than his date with Bevin, he is always more drawn to Tessa’s coy and very real character.
Then, it’s the day we’ve been waiting for. But we can’t get to the big moment without a good 30 minutes of montage: cheesy, deep-in-thought shots of Andy and the two women all alone, pondering their respective futures in the serenity that is Hawaii. It’s basically cinematic genius, and it touches all our hearts. Oh, we also got some good shots of the two remaining ladies crying and talking about their feelings.
And then…it’s on to the final rose ceremony.
Andy positions himself in his ocean-front proposal spot, and awaits the two women. My heart is racing like I just finished spin class. But spinning ended at 7:15pm, so this is all Bachelor-induced.
Bevin arrives first. I’m nervous. And then (you guys, my heart is SERIOUSLY racing) he breaks up with her while starting to cry. Before he says it, she knows it’s over. Wait, it’s a little bit sad. And then he smudges her eye make up to make it look like he punched her in the face. She’s not having it. She has nothing to say, and he is totally torn up about it. Holy awkward and uncomfortable. I can bet you 82 bucks that walk to the limo was Andy’s least favorite part so far. He says, “I will never forget you.” Really? Like it’s even a possibility that you would? And then Bevin has her camera time while weeping.
Andy then has to pull it together. Does anyone else wonder how much time he has between heart-break and proposal? I’m totally curious. 10 minutes? Two hours? Enough time to quickly swim/bike/run an Ironman? Most likely the latter, seeing as we’re dealing with an Officer and a Gentleman here.
Then he awaits his “wish come true” to arrive. Tessa approaches Andy hesitantly, and Andy gets right to the point. Or…well…he gives her a speech of sorts first, and then he gets on one knee. She cries, he talks some more, and asks her to marry him! She says yes! It’s a miracle. (Page Six, you suck. How dare you say she doesn’t say yes!)
And…well, “Love lifts us up where we belong.” And up comes my dinner.
Until next season!
Mike
p.s. Why the last scene with Tessa wearing the dog tags? Why?
Monday, May 14, 2007
To Bone or Not to Bone
How excited were we at the beginning? It’s the best episode of the season. One-on-one dates, romantic evenings, and the inevitable first night together (is anyone else remembering the moans we heard from Tina Fabulous and Andrew Firestone a few seasons back?). ABC has since censored the explicit details, but the To Bone or Not to Bone episode is still a keeper.
First things first. Andy looks like a nerd in his Navy outfit. He has no butt, and his misshaped chest is accentuated by his Navy whites. But whatever, the Navy keeps us safe and it’s fun looking at his white boxers through his white pants.
Before the boning begins, Andy welcomes the girls to Hawaii and shows the remaining hoes Pearl Harbor and bits and pieces of American history. One by one, he parades the girls in front of tourists, and it’s awkward. Then, Tessa arrives, and he introduces her to a five-year-old redhead as his “girlfriend” while they toss flowers into the water to commemorate the dead. Hmmm…who does he like most? I’ll let you guess.
The first date starts with the best: Tessa. OG brings Tessa to Kauai for some fast-paced zip-lining action. All I can think about is Bible-beater teen camps, but it’s fine. I had fun at those, and I was amazing at the zip line…until my swimsuit came off in the lake. It’s fine; I’m over it. Tessa and Andy have good times on the zip line, and they kiss while wearing their silly hats and harnesses. Then they’re off to more outdoor adventures on a suspension bridge. During the late afternoon, they hike and have a happy hour with some fruit, wine, and some of Andy’s cheesy Hawaiian knowledge. They kiss. They kiss some more. I’m obsessed with Tessa. Then it gets cheesier and I get nervous and look away from the TV because he calls her “goofy.”
Wearing a horrifying white blazer, Andy greets Tessa for the evening portion of their romantic day together. Tessa looks cute, and they share love talk on a hammock together. Tessa opens up, Andy loves it, he almost proposes. Not really…but really. He’s smitten. [For real though, is anyone else goobed out by Andy when he talks sometimes?] Then they eat sushi and whatever and fall more in love and whatever. Then he pulls out the “To Bone or Not to Bone” note like it’s some surprise. I mean…
He puts the Fantasy Suite on the table, and she accepts. ABC totally led us to think there was drama to be had, but no. Tessa wanted it and so did Andy. During a desserty-type thing, Tessa opens up more and basically admits she’s falling in love with him. The inevitable shirtless/swimsuit bathtub scene ensues. And maybe more…
On the previews for the next two dates, we’re reminded of Andy’s Adonis-like body. It’s great and all, but I’m not into the fact that he clearly shaves his chest. I just have no time for that type of manscaping. Embrace your man hair. It’s hot. Chests were not meant to be shaved. Backs, however? Wax that mess before I barf. [Lesson of the Day: How do I know he shaves his chest? As a student of the male form, one must analyze all parts of the bod to know whether or not chest hair exists. Andy’s hairy arms give it away, in this instance.]
Date two. Danielle and Andy on an ocean catamaran. He pretends he’s happy at the beginning, but we all know he misses Tessa. Then the dolphins arrive and it’s fun. Andy is wearing Ray-Bans and it’s awesome. Is it just me, or does she feel like a sister, not a girlfriend? No time to waste debating this, because shirts quickly come off as they swim and make out while donning snorkels. “Snorkels” and “make out” shouldn’t be in the same sentence, but that’s just me. I also hope that make outs won’t be associated with sisters, so let’s just say they’re not brother and sister.
At dinner Andy surprises Danielle with a psychic reader. Psychic lady speaks in a pseudo-psychic accent and it’s annoying. Then she brings up her old boyfriend. Apparently Danielle hasn’t let go of him. Then the psychic tells Andy to think about how love would decide versus how fear would decide when it comes to the impending engagement. Deep. Profound. Stupid.
Then (surprise!) the “To Bone” note comes out and they spend the night together in a suite that is fantastic.
The last date reunites Bevin and Andy on yet another Hawaiian outdoor adventure. On the slate today: is there more than a physical connection between the two lovebirds? To find that out, he takes her kayaking down a dirty river and swimming in a dirty waterfall. She’s wearing a stupid newsie cap. They hike through the rainforest, and their conversation is predictably awkward. Andy feels “electricity in his soul” when he’s with Bevin and that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Then they jump in the waterfall and make out in the dirty water. E. Coli anyone? I certainly hope not. Oh, and Bevin has gross tattoos that I’m completely not into. Then Andy tells her that he “saved the best for last” since she’s the last of the three dates. Not nice. Totally the wrong thing to say.
The evening portion is a private luau. They dance like idiots. And then they have serious talk about her shady past. The fantasy suite bone fest happens next. They pretend they’re going to talk about themselves more in hopes of building a relationship, but they totally realize the “passion” they share. Bevin gets interviewed and she says she loves him. Stressful.
Before the rose ceremony Andy has his ABC-director-induced stressfest about who he’s going to choose. Thus his best friend arrives to talk him off the ledge. Wait for it. Friend’s name: Gatsby?!?!?! Is he kidding? Were his parents kidding? Were they obsessed with raising a moneyed disaster from a fictional town on Long Island? I can’t. The two boys discuss the relative merits of the three girls and Gatsby imparts the profundity of life to Andy. So sweet. But seriously…Gatsby? It’s just too much. Am I seriously referring to a real human being as “Gatsby?”
The Hawaiian rose ceremony is stressful. Tessa and Bevin wear bright colors and Danielle wears black. Is this a hint of things to come?
Yes.
Roses go to Bevin and Tessa.
Danielle goes home in her black dress. I saw it coming from a mile away, but then I got nervous at the last second. But of course I remember that true love always prevails on The Bachelor. Ha!
Awards
1) Worst body art: Bevin’s. Not cute. Tattoo removal anyone?
2) Worst manscaping: Andy’s. Don’t shave your man business. Your chest would be hotter with chest hair…and maybe we wouldn’t notice your malformation as much.
3) Worst goodbye speech: Andy’s words to Danielle. It just sucked. But I loved his tears and she drove away.
4) Most dignified goodbye: Danielle’s. Totally strong. Good for her.
Until next week (season finale!!!),
Mike
p.s. I'm already preparing myself for a huge heartbreak because we all know who I want him to choose.
First things first. Andy looks like a nerd in his Navy outfit. He has no butt, and his misshaped chest is accentuated by his Navy whites. But whatever, the Navy keeps us safe and it’s fun looking at his white boxers through his white pants.
Before the boning begins, Andy welcomes the girls to Hawaii and shows the remaining hoes Pearl Harbor and bits and pieces of American history. One by one, he parades the girls in front of tourists, and it’s awkward. Then, Tessa arrives, and he introduces her to a five-year-old redhead as his “girlfriend” while they toss flowers into the water to commemorate the dead. Hmmm…who does he like most? I’ll let you guess.
The first date starts with the best: Tessa. OG brings Tessa to Kauai for some fast-paced zip-lining action. All I can think about is Bible-beater teen camps, but it’s fine. I had fun at those, and I was amazing at the zip line…until my swimsuit came off in the lake. It’s fine; I’m over it. Tessa and Andy have good times on the zip line, and they kiss while wearing their silly hats and harnesses. Then they’re off to more outdoor adventures on a suspension bridge. During the late afternoon, they hike and have a happy hour with some fruit, wine, and some of Andy’s cheesy Hawaiian knowledge. They kiss. They kiss some more. I’m obsessed with Tessa. Then it gets cheesier and I get nervous and look away from the TV because he calls her “goofy.”
Wearing a horrifying white blazer, Andy greets Tessa for the evening portion of their romantic day together. Tessa looks cute, and they share love talk on a hammock together. Tessa opens up, Andy loves it, he almost proposes. Not really…but really. He’s smitten. [For real though, is anyone else goobed out by Andy when he talks sometimes?] Then they eat sushi and whatever and fall more in love and whatever. Then he pulls out the “To Bone or Not to Bone” note like it’s some surprise. I mean…
He puts the Fantasy Suite on the table, and she accepts. ABC totally led us to think there was drama to be had, but no. Tessa wanted it and so did Andy. During a desserty-type thing, Tessa opens up more and basically admits she’s falling in love with him. The inevitable shirtless/swimsuit bathtub scene ensues. And maybe more…
On the previews for the next two dates, we’re reminded of Andy’s Adonis-like body. It’s great and all, but I’m not into the fact that he clearly shaves his chest. I just have no time for that type of manscaping. Embrace your man hair. It’s hot. Chests were not meant to be shaved. Backs, however? Wax that mess before I barf. [Lesson of the Day: How do I know he shaves his chest? As a student of the male form, one must analyze all parts of the bod to know whether or not chest hair exists. Andy’s hairy arms give it away, in this instance.]
Date two. Danielle and Andy on an ocean catamaran. He pretends he’s happy at the beginning, but we all know he misses Tessa. Then the dolphins arrive and it’s fun. Andy is wearing Ray-Bans and it’s awesome. Is it just me, or does she feel like a sister, not a girlfriend? No time to waste debating this, because shirts quickly come off as they swim and make out while donning snorkels. “Snorkels” and “make out” shouldn’t be in the same sentence, but that’s just me. I also hope that make outs won’t be associated with sisters, so let’s just say they’re not brother and sister.
At dinner Andy surprises Danielle with a psychic reader. Psychic lady speaks in a pseudo-psychic accent and it’s annoying. Then she brings up her old boyfriend. Apparently Danielle hasn’t let go of him. Then the psychic tells Andy to think about how love would decide versus how fear would decide when it comes to the impending engagement. Deep. Profound. Stupid.
Then (surprise!) the “To Bone” note comes out and they spend the night together in a suite that is fantastic.
The last date reunites Bevin and Andy on yet another Hawaiian outdoor adventure. On the slate today: is there more than a physical connection between the two lovebirds? To find that out, he takes her kayaking down a dirty river and swimming in a dirty waterfall. She’s wearing a stupid newsie cap. They hike through the rainforest, and their conversation is predictably awkward. Andy feels “electricity in his soul” when he’s with Bevin and that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Then they jump in the waterfall and make out in the dirty water. E. Coli anyone? I certainly hope not. Oh, and Bevin has gross tattoos that I’m completely not into. Then Andy tells her that he “saved the best for last” since she’s the last of the three dates. Not nice. Totally the wrong thing to say.
The evening portion is a private luau. They dance like idiots. And then they have serious talk about her shady past. The fantasy suite bone fest happens next. They pretend they’re going to talk about themselves more in hopes of building a relationship, but they totally realize the “passion” they share. Bevin gets interviewed and she says she loves him. Stressful.
Before the rose ceremony Andy has his ABC-director-induced stressfest about who he’s going to choose. Thus his best friend arrives to talk him off the ledge. Wait for it. Friend’s name: Gatsby?!?!?! Is he kidding? Were his parents kidding? Were they obsessed with raising a moneyed disaster from a fictional town on Long Island? I can’t. The two boys discuss the relative merits of the three girls and Gatsby imparts the profundity of life to Andy. So sweet. But seriously…Gatsby? It’s just too much. Am I seriously referring to a real human being as “Gatsby?”
The Hawaiian rose ceremony is stressful. Tessa and Bevin wear bright colors and Danielle wears black. Is this a hint of things to come?
Yes.
Roses go to Bevin and Tessa.
Danielle goes home in her black dress. I saw it coming from a mile away, but then I got nervous at the last second. But of course I remember that true love always prevails on The Bachelor. Ha!
Awards
1) Worst body art: Bevin’s. Not cute. Tattoo removal anyone?
2) Worst manscaping: Andy’s. Don’t shave your man business. Your chest would be hotter with chest hair…and maybe we wouldn’t notice your malformation as much.
3) Worst goodbye speech: Andy’s words to Danielle. It just sucked. But I loved his tears and she drove away.
4) Most dignified goodbye: Danielle’s. Totally strong. Good for her.
Until next week (season finale!!!),
Mike
p.s. I'm already preparing myself for a huge heartbreak because we all know who I want him to choose.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Amber causing trouble back at home...
From a devoted reader in the field...
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5283072
Amber is causing her principal major job drama!
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5283072
Amber is causing her principal major job drama!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Not all families are created equal.
Good lord, the year-long intro profiling OG’s feelings about each of the Final Four was enough to make me pour another glass of wine. I’m not gonna lie, I was excited to see the drama. We all know that tonight’s episode is full of inevitably awkward and mutable moments, so let’s get to the drama STAT! (Am I the only one remembering Jen’s crazy, gun-pulling dad from last season? Glad that romance lasted…) Hold on…another sip of wine…and we’re off.
The first hometown date finds Andy arriving to Seattle to meet up with Bevin, the woman with whom he feels an electric “current.” What? Let’s not confuse her shady past with an electric current. But wait, he says “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Oh great, now I’m vomiting up the wine I just drank. I wasted all that money on Two Buck Chuck for this?!?
Alright, girlfriend has a secret. She tells us about her former marriage when she was a trashy teen. Love me some teenage love! His reaction: weirded out, but diplomatic as always. Let us not forget that he is an Officer and a Gentleman after all. Am I the only one thinking she left out some juicy deets, though? Why did they get married? How old was she? How many months along was she when they got hitched? All questions to which I need answers.
[Sidenote: Ty Pennington was arrested?!?!?!?!? The news clips during the commercials just alerted me to this ever-important info. What, did he assault someone with his megaphone on the set of “Extreme Home Makeover”?? I can’t.]
Back to the issue at hand. Bevin and her teen angsty love history meets Mr. Perfect. OG brings flowers and coffee to the moms as he arrives to her dad’s lakefront home. Andy certainly fits in with the house full of blonds…I kinda feel like he’s everyone’s big brother. That could lead to grossness, but whatever. It’s totally easy-going and chill, which is very nice. Her real mom gives him a painting (nice, actually), and it’s a cute date.
Dad cuts to the chase. He asks Bevin to her face if she loves him. Stressful? Then they both cry and I barf again. At least this show is turning into a weight-loss method. Then Andy leaves and hugs everyone and it’s cute. Date one yields no mutable, uncomfortable moments. On to the next.
Stop #2 is Connecticut with Danielle. Their split-level house makes me just think they’re nice. The two dogs are cute too. Wait…she lives at HOME?!? Oh no…not good. Not okay. The girls cook dinner while Andy talks to her dad who looks like a serial killer. But he seems pretty nice when he talks about her nice mom, so maybe he hasn’t gone on a killing rampage. Only time will tell, I guess. Dinner chatter revolves around relationships, moving to Hawaii, and cheesy fate talk.
Then Dad plays the drums. Weird, but slightly cute. Mom then teaches belly dancing. If he had been naked, it would have been hotter, but whatever. Okay, then I realize the family is really cute. Dad doesn’t kill people, and he actually hugs OG at the door. Cute. Wow…two dates down, nothing to mute yet? What’s happening? More wine, please.
The third date finds us in DC with Tessa and Andy. Okay, I like Tessa, so let’s hope this goes well.
[Sidenote 2: Did anyone else see the Mother’s Day JCPenney ad chronicling the life of a girl to teen to wife to mom with her mom following the whole time? I almost teared up.]
The snow-filled DC Mall finds Tessa and OG reunited. Andy shows his true colors, I think, and I totally love it. Cheeseball, goofy, cute. They play in the snow about it. Then they go home to the cute DC row house and meet the fam and her best friend. Super fun, loud, cool. Totally cute. Also love that they drink beer.
Tessa leaves to change clothes, and her sister, friend and Dad get to know him a bit by putting him in the hot-seat. Andy reveals his “faults” as not being able to sing and not being able to cook. Okay, open up a bit more, OG. You’re being grilled; you need to oblige. Samantha, the friend, sees that he avoids tough questions. Perceptive friend indeed! They make him nervous, and I like that.
They continue to grill him at dinner, and it makes me a bit nervous. Okay, first nervous moment of the show for me. The boys excuse themselves to do dishes, and the women have girl talk. Dad possibly screws up Tessa’s chances by saying Tessa went on the show for “fun.” OG, being a serious serviceman gets nervous, and sits the family down and grills them in return. He’s totally a mess about it because he likes her most and he feels he’s getting messed with. He’s totally stressed out. Like legitimately upset about it. He tells her that she is “across the board, so incredible.” He totally almost said, “across the board, the one I like most,” but he’s an Officer and a Gentleman, so he holds back. At this point, I feel like dorky Andy is the most legit of all bachelors. Like totally invested and emotional about this, and taking it seriously. He tells her he wants to fall in love with her. This is totally a first!! He likes the chase, I think. Don’t we all? (Did I just reveal too much?)
The final date brings us to Texas! We all know I love me some Texas. Not necessarily cookie-cutter-Sugar-Land-ish-suburbia-no-family-support Texas, but whatever. It’s Amber’s turn, and we’re all excited for the drama to come. Will her parents disappoint us? Will this be a Bachelor first? Does she have a family at all? Is she a homeless, family-less, 23-year-old disaster? Only time will tell. Andy meets Amber (Andy and Amber? Ewww…not a cute ring to it. Feels very sixth-grade roller skating party to me.) at her school. The kiddies then come to her class to meet her. It’s totally cute…especially when they talk about how he likes their teacher. Cute. He calls her “pretty” and “nice” and he talks to them like they’re in a special class. That’s sounds mean, but he acted dumb.
Wait, so now I feel bad. Is Amber really family-less? Her parents aren’t supportive, so she’s using her aunt and uncle as stand-ins. They don’t come through either…and it’s awkward and weird. Mute? She’s embarrassed, because she knows that this is a total deal-breaker. No family, no in-laws, no nothin’. Andy makes her feel way better, because he’s nice like that.
The not-gonna-last happy couple then go to Amber’s apartment to meet her scary-spice roommate. The stupid little dog and her roommate meet the couple. Um, her roommate might be a little stupid too. BTW, I HATE little yippy dogs…I felt bad for Andy having to listen to that mess.
Then, surprise of the night, her aunt comes over to save the day! Andy was so cute and happy to meet her, and Amber is happy. Everything is so happy. But she lives with her sorority sister friend and she has an unsupportive family. Not into it. Her roommate says, in Texas fashion, “Y’all are meant to be.” Er not. To me, this was a big bust. Amber’s sweet, she’s 23, I wish her luck. And to her parents, buck up! Support your daughter and don’t make her look like a fool on national TV.
The rose ceremony is brief. OG gets right to business.
1) Tessa (yes!)
2) Bevin
3) Danielle
And Amber goes home because her family sucks. Amber says she doesn’t understand, but let’s be honest. Amber, sit back and think about the date you had. No family, dumb dog, silly roommate, the list goes on…But, she puts him in his place when he says her age was an issue since he said it wasn’t in some sordid hot tub scene. It was a prolonged break-up, and I started sweating. It was super awkward and no fun to watch. Especially when she talks about their life she imagined. L
Awards:
1) Worst dog: Amber’s…and her roommate a little bit since she looks like a canine as well.
2) Biggest disappointment: Amber’s family. I mean…
3) Future legal team of the century: Tessa’s family and their 82 questions.
Until next week...Hawaii! An episode I like to call “To Bone, or Not to Bone.”
Mike
The first hometown date finds Andy arriving to Seattle to meet up with Bevin, the woman with whom he feels an electric “current.” What? Let’s not confuse her shady past with an electric current. But wait, he says “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Oh great, now I’m vomiting up the wine I just drank. I wasted all that money on Two Buck Chuck for this?!?
Alright, girlfriend has a secret. She tells us about her former marriage when she was a trashy teen. Love me some teenage love! His reaction: weirded out, but diplomatic as always. Let us not forget that he is an Officer and a Gentleman after all. Am I the only one thinking she left out some juicy deets, though? Why did they get married? How old was she? How many months along was she when they got hitched? All questions to which I need answers.
[Sidenote: Ty Pennington was arrested?!?!?!?!? The news clips during the commercials just alerted me to this ever-important info. What, did he assault someone with his megaphone on the set of “Extreme Home Makeover”?? I can’t.]
Back to the issue at hand. Bevin and her teen angsty love history meets Mr. Perfect. OG brings flowers and coffee to the moms as he arrives to her dad’s lakefront home. Andy certainly fits in with the house full of blonds…I kinda feel like he’s everyone’s big brother. That could lead to grossness, but whatever. It’s totally easy-going and chill, which is very nice. Her real mom gives him a painting (nice, actually), and it’s a cute date.
Dad cuts to the chase. He asks Bevin to her face if she loves him. Stressful? Then they both cry and I barf again. At least this show is turning into a weight-loss method. Then Andy leaves and hugs everyone and it’s cute. Date one yields no mutable, uncomfortable moments. On to the next.
Stop #2 is Connecticut with Danielle. Their split-level house makes me just think they’re nice. The two dogs are cute too. Wait…she lives at HOME?!? Oh no…not good. Not okay. The girls cook dinner while Andy talks to her dad who looks like a serial killer. But he seems pretty nice when he talks about her nice mom, so maybe he hasn’t gone on a killing rampage. Only time will tell, I guess. Dinner chatter revolves around relationships, moving to Hawaii, and cheesy fate talk.
Then Dad plays the drums. Weird, but slightly cute. Mom then teaches belly dancing. If he had been naked, it would have been hotter, but whatever. Okay, then I realize the family is really cute. Dad doesn’t kill people, and he actually hugs OG at the door. Cute. Wow…two dates down, nothing to mute yet? What’s happening? More wine, please.
The third date finds us in DC with Tessa and Andy. Okay, I like Tessa, so let’s hope this goes well.
[Sidenote 2: Did anyone else see the Mother’s Day JCPenney ad chronicling the life of a girl to teen to wife to mom with her mom following the whole time? I almost teared up.]
The snow-filled DC Mall finds Tessa and OG reunited. Andy shows his true colors, I think, and I totally love it. Cheeseball, goofy, cute. They play in the snow about it. Then they go home to the cute DC row house and meet the fam and her best friend. Super fun, loud, cool. Totally cute. Also love that they drink beer.
Tessa leaves to change clothes, and her sister, friend and Dad get to know him a bit by putting him in the hot-seat. Andy reveals his “faults” as not being able to sing and not being able to cook. Okay, open up a bit more, OG. You’re being grilled; you need to oblige. Samantha, the friend, sees that he avoids tough questions. Perceptive friend indeed! They make him nervous, and I like that.
They continue to grill him at dinner, and it makes me a bit nervous. Okay, first nervous moment of the show for me. The boys excuse themselves to do dishes, and the women have girl talk. Dad possibly screws up Tessa’s chances by saying Tessa went on the show for “fun.” OG, being a serious serviceman gets nervous, and sits the family down and grills them in return. He’s totally a mess about it because he likes her most and he feels he’s getting messed with. He’s totally stressed out. Like legitimately upset about it. He tells her that she is “across the board, so incredible.” He totally almost said, “across the board, the one I like most,” but he’s an Officer and a Gentleman, so he holds back. At this point, I feel like dorky Andy is the most legit of all bachelors. Like totally invested and emotional about this, and taking it seriously. He tells her he wants to fall in love with her. This is totally a first!! He likes the chase, I think. Don’t we all? (Did I just reveal too much?)
The final date brings us to Texas! We all know I love me some Texas. Not necessarily cookie-cutter-Sugar-Land-ish-suburbia-no-family-support Texas, but whatever. It’s Amber’s turn, and we’re all excited for the drama to come. Will her parents disappoint us? Will this be a Bachelor first? Does she have a family at all? Is she a homeless, family-less, 23-year-old disaster? Only time will tell. Andy meets Amber (Andy and Amber? Ewww…not a cute ring to it. Feels very sixth-grade roller skating party to me.) at her school. The kiddies then come to her class to meet her. It’s totally cute…especially when they talk about how he likes their teacher. Cute. He calls her “pretty” and “nice” and he talks to them like they’re in a special class. That’s sounds mean, but he acted dumb.
Wait, so now I feel bad. Is Amber really family-less? Her parents aren’t supportive, so she’s using her aunt and uncle as stand-ins. They don’t come through either…and it’s awkward and weird. Mute? She’s embarrassed, because she knows that this is a total deal-breaker. No family, no in-laws, no nothin’. Andy makes her feel way better, because he’s nice like that.
The not-gonna-last happy couple then go to Amber’s apartment to meet her scary-spice roommate. The stupid little dog and her roommate meet the couple. Um, her roommate might be a little stupid too. BTW, I HATE little yippy dogs…I felt bad for Andy having to listen to that mess.
Then, surprise of the night, her aunt comes over to save the day! Andy was so cute and happy to meet her, and Amber is happy. Everything is so happy. But she lives with her sorority sister friend and she has an unsupportive family. Not into it. Her roommate says, in Texas fashion, “Y’all are meant to be.” Er not. To me, this was a big bust. Amber’s sweet, she’s 23, I wish her luck. And to her parents, buck up! Support your daughter and don’t make her look like a fool on national TV.
The rose ceremony is brief. OG gets right to business.
1) Tessa (yes!)
2) Bevin
3) Danielle
And Amber goes home because her family sucks. Amber says she doesn’t understand, but let’s be honest. Amber, sit back and think about the date you had. No family, dumb dog, silly roommate, the list goes on…But, she puts him in his place when he says her age was an issue since he said it wasn’t in some sordid hot tub scene. It was a prolonged break-up, and I started sweating. It was super awkward and no fun to watch. Especially when she talks about their life she imagined. L
Awards:
1) Worst dog: Amber’s…and her roommate a little bit since she looks like a canine as well.
2) Biggest disappointment: Amber’s family. I mean…
3) Future legal team of the century: Tessa’s family and their 82 questions.
Until next week...Hawaii! An episode I like to call “To Bone, or Not to Bone.”
Mike
Monday, April 30, 2007
Tastes beautiful...
It’s episode five, and tension is running high. The day starts on OG’s yacht with all six hoes soaking up the sun and soaking up every minute with Andy. Bevin, in typical fashion, commandeers most of the time by joining OG on the water in the kayaks. At one point during the date, it was blondes v. brunettes, and I loved it! My favorite was the brunettes napping during the Bevin/Andy kayak-fest.
After the initial six-on-one, we were due for a little one-on-one. Stephanie from KS joined Andy on a wine date. They made their own blend and then painted a label for it. Honestly, nothing happened except for a disastrous quote on behalf of the OG. “It tastes beautiful…just like you.” He’s so good at reading cue cards. He should really consider a career in front of the camera. The date ends with Stephanie being incommunicado. OG’s fears are reassured.
The second date brings Amber, Tina, Bevin and Danielle together at a run-down school in Hollywood. The four-on-one is good fun as the girls make over a playground for the inner-city chitlins. It is quite cute, especially when the kindergarteners come out to see their new outdoor home. See? Charity is fun!
The third date is quite special. Tessa meets a jewel-laden OG at the door. He gives her tons of money worth of diamonds for their date (in front of the other girls...classic!) and then drives her in his fake car to the Nicole Miller boutique on Sunset. She tries on 82 dresses, he surprisingly deals with it, and she ends up looking fabulous in a red number. They go to the Japanese-fusiony place overlooking LA (ate there this past October…great view, okay food), and have a romantic dinner high atop a hill. Okay, I’m going to go ahead and check my bitchiness at the door, and say that he is totally into her. Like for real. I might have a girl-crush too. How embarrassing! Tessa finally opens up, leaves her “I’m not into this B.S.” at the door, and they make out.
The pre-Rose Ceremony is rather uneventful, save for two things. First, OG kisses Tessa without thinking about it (so cute) and Bevin and Amber sneak into his private deliberation room. Naughty!
Rose Ceremony:
1) Bevin (bring on more episodes of drama)
2) Amber
3) Tessa (engagement anyone?)
4) Danielle
Tina and Stephanie (KS) go home, and no one is surprised.
Awards.
1) Vomit-inducing line: “This tastes beautiful…just like you.” – Andy
2) Bi-polar award: Bevin. Up, down, up down…
3) Best (worst) hair: Stephanie (KS). She was channeling her inner-Texas at the rose ceremony! Eeeekk!!
Until next week,
Mike
After the initial six-on-one, we were due for a little one-on-one. Stephanie from KS joined Andy on a wine date. They made their own blend and then painted a label for it. Honestly, nothing happened except for a disastrous quote on behalf of the OG. “It tastes beautiful…just like you.” He’s so good at reading cue cards. He should really consider a career in front of the camera. The date ends with Stephanie being incommunicado. OG’s fears are reassured.
The second date brings Amber, Tina, Bevin and Danielle together at a run-down school in Hollywood. The four-on-one is good fun as the girls make over a playground for the inner-city chitlins. It is quite cute, especially when the kindergarteners come out to see their new outdoor home. See? Charity is fun!
The third date is quite special. Tessa meets a jewel-laden OG at the door. He gives her tons of money worth of diamonds for their date (in front of the other girls...classic!) and then drives her in his fake car to the Nicole Miller boutique on Sunset. She tries on 82 dresses, he surprisingly deals with it, and she ends up looking fabulous in a red number. They go to the Japanese-fusiony place overlooking LA (ate there this past October…great view, okay food), and have a romantic dinner high atop a hill. Okay, I’m going to go ahead and check my bitchiness at the door, and say that he is totally into her. Like for real. I might have a girl-crush too. How embarrassing! Tessa finally opens up, leaves her “I’m not into this B.S.” at the door, and they make out.
The pre-Rose Ceremony is rather uneventful, save for two things. First, OG kisses Tessa without thinking about it (so cute) and Bevin and Amber sneak into his private deliberation room. Naughty!
Rose Ceremony:
1) Bevin (bring on more episodes of drama)
2) Amber
3) Tessa (engagement anyone?)
4) Danielle
Tina and Stephanie (KS) go home, and no one is surprised.
Awards.
1) Vomit-inducing line: “This tastes beautiful…just like you.” – Andy
2) Bi-polar award: Bevin. Up, down, up down…
3) Best (worst) hair: Stephanie (KS). She was channeling her inner-Texas at the rose ceremony! Eeeekk!!
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, April 23, 2007
Under the bus
After having arrived home from Paris earlier this evening, I must admit that I’m in a bit of a jet-lagged haze. It is technically after 5 am Paris time as I write this, so I’m foggy. My body is also getting ready to adjust to a life without constant fresh baguettes, pounds of cheese, and other rich and fatty foods on a daily basis. And let’s not even mention the continual flow of wine into my body at all hours of the day…but enough about me. Let’s get to the Officer and Gentleman (OG for those who don’t remember due to my hiatus last week)!
OG flies the girls to Tahoe, and we get to spend some special time with them fireside. On the first date, Bevin cries because her ankle hurts, and other emotions are shared with America. I don’t care. So I take a shower and wash off Paris and an 8-hour flight (which featured a hot-ass Daniel Craig in Casino Royale—YUM). While showering I think of how this episode is the episode that centers on the “There’s only one guy and all these girls” theme. The gossip begins. I’m over it.
I return to Stephanie’s (KS) tears. I also am reminded that we’re using the term “Special Quality Time” (SQT) this season. It’s just so gross. SQT makes me think of time spent alone thinking naughty thoughts and doing naughty things. We all love some SQT, but don’t say it 82 times an episode.
Bevin gets the sympathy vote for SQT because she broke her kankle and OG tells her he’s a nerd. No…REALLY?!? Ugh. Then they make out. Then it gets worse because he calls her his “sanctuary.” Are we kidding right now? And then she hobbles off into the distance.
Date two. It’s Stephanie’s (SC) birthday. We don’t care. They ski, it’s funny, I laugh. One girls says she didn’t understand the concept of the pizza slice. I think her thighs beg to differ. Kidding…
And then the bitching begins. Girls point fingers, name call, and tell OG secrets. Tessa continues to worry and doubt the experience, OG (looking good, I must add), reassures her that he likes her. But who wants to beg for chicks to like him? Not me…
Stephanie from SC then “throws girls under the bus.” Kudos for using a great expression, no kudos for actually implementing it. Skank. He totally annoys her. Kate continues the rumor-spreading. She totally sucks. What a raging ho.
Special Quality Time was a “no brainer” and he chooses Dr. Tina. That was actually nice, because she was the only one that brought zero drama to the date. They talk in the gondola, and it actually seems very genuine. Wait…am I being serious right now? Maybe it’s the jet lag talking. Or the Heineken from the Paris airport’s American Airlines Admirals Club that I stuffed in my bag. According the Heineken it’s the “Biere de Prestige.” It’s Dutch like me, so it’s clearly prestigious. Back to the date. Tina and OG chat on a mountaintop, and OG doesn’t seem very into it. It’s awkward but fine. Am I the only one that is still haunted by memories of her singing the National Anthem in episode number one? The horror…
The one-on-one date is for Amber, who was thrown under the bus by Kate on the group date. OG arrives in a dapper ski sweater and takes her away with the intention of getting to know the “true Amber.” They share wine and fondue by the fire while OG tells Amber of the bitch-talking he heard from the others. Amber tries to calm him about the rumors and OG appreciates her candidness. Ugh…I’m not sure if I believe him because he always sounds like a slightly-stoned frat boy who has trouble piecing together words to make sentences. They kiss, they kiss again in the hot tub, and he gets out to give her a rose. Then they kiss some more.
Rose ceremony time. Stephanie from SC puts it best by—in typical Southern style—elongating a two-syllable word into three. “Tonight is fa-reak-ing crazy!” Kate wears a HORRENDOUS dress that looks like a doily for a funeral, and she fesses up to her stupid rumor-spreading habits. Stupid. Stephanie from SC says her dress is “smokin’ hot.” I beg to differ. I think it should be up in smoke.
Speaking of up in smoke, her future just may be because she continues to throw people under the bus. She is a mess and I hate her. Bevin can hardly breathe because she’s nervous. She clearly needs to get a grip, but OG is into her. He plays with her hair and kisses her.
Kate then continues to spread gossip like wildfire saying that Tina said that Amber almost boned OG in the hot tub. I want her to go ahead and shoot herself in the face. She is a devil woman.
After all the drama, OG gives roses to:
Amber
Tessa
Danielle
Bevin
Tina
Stephanie KS
That means that booby Stephanie SC, back-stabbing Kate and zitty Nicole didn’t get roses. Good riddance to Stephanie and Kate. Nicole was kinda funny, but whatever.
Awards:
1) Throw yourself under the bus award: Kate
2) Best broken kankle: Bevin
3) Fakest boobs: Stephanie SC
Until next week,
Mike
OG flies the girls to Tahoe, and we get to spend some special time with them fireside. On the first date, Bevin cries because her ankle hurts, and other emotions are shared with America. I don’t care. So I take a shower and wash off Paris and an 8-hour flight (which featured a hot-ass Daniel Craig in Casino Royale—YUM). While showering I think of how this episode is the episode that centers on the “There’s only one guy and all these girls” theme. The gossip begins. I’m over it.
I return to Stephanie’s (KS) tears. I also am reminded that we’re using the term “Special Quality Time” (SQT) this season. It’s just so gross. SQT makes me think of time spent alone thinking naughty thoughts and doing naughty things. We all love some SQT, but don’t say it 82 times an episode.
Bevin gets the sympathy vote for SQT because she broke her kankle and OG tells her he’s a nerd. No…REALLY?!? Ugh. Then they make out. Then it gets worse because he calls her his “sanctuary.” Are we kidding right now? And then she hobbles off into the distance.
Date two. It’s Stephanie’s (SC) birthday. We don’t care. They ski, it’s funny, I laugh. One girls says she didn’t understand the concept of the pizza slice. I think her thighs beg to differ. Kidding…
And then the bitching begins. Girls point fingers, name call, and tell OG secrets. Tessa continues to worry and doubt the experience, OG (looking good, I must add), reassures her that he likes her. But who wants to beg for chicks to like him? Not me…
Stephanie from SC then “throws girls under the bus.” Kudos for using a great expression, no kudos for actually implementing it. Skank. He totally annoys her. Kate continues the rumor-spreading. She totally sucks. What a raging ho.
Special Quality Time was a “no brainer” and he chooses Dr. Tina. That was actually nice, because she was the only one that brought zero drama to the date. They talk in the gondola, and it actually seems very genuine. Wait…am I being serious right now? Maybe it’s the jet lag talking. Or the Heineken from the Paris airport’s American Airlines Admirals Club that I stuffed in my bag. According the Heineken it’s the “Biere de Prestige.” It’s Dutch like me, so it’s clearly prestigious. Back to the date. Tina and OG chat on a mountaintop, and OG doesn’t seem very into it. It’s awkward but fine. Am I the only one that is still haunted by memories of her singing the National Anthem in episode number one? The horror…
The one-on-one date is for Amber, who was thrown under the bus by Kate on the group date. OG arrives in a dapper ski sweater and takes her away with the intention of getting to know the “true Amber.” They share wine and fondue by the fire while OG tells Amber of the bitch-talking he heard from the others. Amber tries to calm him about the rumors and OG appreciates her candidness. Ugh…I’m not sure if I believe him because he always sounds like a slightly-stoned frat boy who has trouble piecing together words to make sentences. They kiss, they kiss again in the hot tub, and he gets out to give her a rose. Then they kiss some more.
Rose ceremony time. Stephanie from SC puts it best by—in typical Southern style—elongating a two-syllable word into three. “Tonight is fa-reak-ing crazy!” Kate wears a HORRENDOUS dress that looks like a doily for a funeral, and she fesses up to her stupid rumor-spreading habits. Stupid. Stephanie from SC says her dress is “smokin’ hot.” I beg to differ. I think it should be up in smoke.
Speaking of up in smoke, her future just may be because she continues to throw people under the bus. She is a mess and I hate her. Bevin can hardly breathe because she’s nervous. She clearly needs to get a grip, but OG is into her. He plays with her hair and kisses her.
Kate then continues to spread gossip like wildfire saying that Tina said that Amber almost boned OG in the hot tub. I want her to go ahead and shoot herself in the face. She is a devil woman.
After all the drama, OG gives roses to:
Amber
Tessa
Danielle
Bevin
Tina
Stephanie KS
That means that booby Stephanie SC, back-stabbing Kate and zitty Nicole didn’t get roses. Good riddance to Stephanie and Kate. Nicole was kinda funny, but whatever.
Awards:
1) Throw yourself under the bus award: Kate
2) Best broken kankle: Bevin
3) Fakest boobs: Stephanie SC
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Oops
Lovers,
So we all know I disappoint you at least once a season. And today is that dark day. I was otherwise engaged last night as our show aired, and I was unable to blog to the masses.
Please be prepared for possible disappointment next week as well. I'll be arriving home from Paris at 8pm next Monday night at which point the ABC execs will helicopter me back to my pad so I can blog away. Without delays, all should be fine. But please realize that I am famous, and my international travels sometimes impede my TV-watching skills.
---
A quick summary of last night:
Andy gives roses to:
Blevin
Amber
Danielle
Stephanie from Kansas
Tina
Kate
Nicole
Stephanie from South Carolina
Tessa
Amanda and Erin are the ones going home.
Until next week (we hope),
Mike
So we all know I disappoint you at least once a season. And today is that dark day. I was otherwise engaged last night as our show aired, and I was unable to blog to the masses.
Please be prepared for possible disappointment next week as well. I'll be arriving home from Paris at 8pm next Monday night at which point the ABC execs will helicopter me back to my pad so I can blog away. Without delays, all should be fine. But please realize that I am famous, and my international travels sometimes impede my TV-watching skills.
---
A quick summary of last night:
Andy gives roses to:
Blevin
Amber
Danielle
Stephanie from Kansas
Tina
Kate
Nicole
Stephanie from South Carolina
Tessa
Amanda and Erin are the ones going home.
Until next week (we hope),
Mike
Monday, April 09, 2007
And the shirts are off!
It is episode two. And we already get to see skin! Yay! Go team! But wait....O.G. has an oddly-shaped rib cage and 0% body fat. Dude’s finished the Iron Man six times. I didn’t necessarily love him to begin with, but now he’s just making me feel obese. And, to pat myself on the back a little, I’m not big. In fact, I’m slim. But enough about me, let’s talk about fat Andy. Er wait…he’s all muscle. Mental note: lift more weights. But don’t grow a distorted rib cage.
Episode two has three dates: two group dates and an individual date reserved for Stephanie from South Carolina, the winner of the first-impression rose. She’s trashy, by the way.
Let’s get down to business because the quicker we do, the quicker we can mock O.G.
Date One: The Sunset Strip
Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, Stephanie from KS, Bevin, Amanda and Tessa join Andy on a tour of the Sunset Strip. First stop: Saddle Ranch, home of the mechanical bull. What better way to get to know the ladies than to watch their jugs shake on a big metal bull! Thus, we get to see shaky boobs for 10 minutes. We all know that nothing gets me going more than boobs, so I was in heaven.
After touring the rest of the culturally-rich Sunset Strip, the crew heads to a hotel where they get to wear pretty dresses and see O.G.’s pretty body. They drink on the rooftop, change into bathing suits, and fawn over O.G.s ripped body. What could be better than the first underwater kiss? Nothing. Thanks for supplying us with the essential awkwardness, Bevin. Oh, and Bevin, please stop pretending you’re old and wise by prefacing thoughts with things like “At my age…” You’re 28. You’re not 65. You haven’t seen it all, my friend.
Andy chose to spend his “Special Quality Time” with Tiffany. More awkwardness ensues. Not only because they each said “Special Quality Time” 17 times, but also because Tiffany is personality-free. Amazing.
Date Two: Iron Man a la Loews Santa Monica
Kate, Susan, Erin, Tina, Amber, Danielle and Peyton join the Iron Man himself at the Loews hotel for a fitness extravaganza. Erin and Susan, the Besty and Busty Blondes, thoroughly un-impress me with their athletic prowess. I’m not into them…AT ALL. What are they, 12? They were nervous to approach Andy, so they did it together. They were nervous because they sucked at sports, so they sucked together. They were nervous about their dark hair, so they dyed it together. Overall, no fun. I hate chicks like this. Be confident. Stand up for yourself. And stop dying your hair like that.
Amber wins the Iron Man contest, and, well, great for her. This whole date was dumb and I’m over it.
Date Three: Romantic Sunset Cruise
Stephanie from SC gets to take a sunset cruise on O.G.’s yacht. Yeah, it’s not your yacht, O.G. Don’t pretend it is. Stephanie embarrasses humanity by reenacting the Titanic scene on the bow. O.G. laughs nervously (like a lot), Stephanie throws her dignity into the wind…and then it falls into the ocean. Oops…
Pre-Rose Ceremony. Girls say dumb things, the Sorority Recruiter chick defends her fake job, and the Besty and Busty Blondes further live up to the amazing nickname I’ve given them. Tina plays the “Oh poor me, I’m a smart med student” card. I was more like, “Oh poor you, you sang a ridiculous song for him upon meeting him and we all died inside.” Then Tessa gives him a random-ass foot massage and then she breaks down and cries. Weird.
Rose Ceremony.
And the roses go to:
1) Stephanie (from the individual date)
2) Tessa
3) Danielle
4) Bevin
5) Amber
6) Stephanie KS
7) Kate
8) Nicole
9) Tina
10) Peyton
11) Amanda
12) Erin. WHAT?!?
Home: Alexis, Tiffany, Susan (one half of the Besty and Busty Blonde duo)
Awards:
1) Captain Condescension award: Andy O.G. He gives a “I believe in true love, and that person is out there for you” preface to the rose ceremony. I’m sure the girls he dissed appreciated that. Thanks.
2) You’re a Virgin and You’re Going Home award: Alexis. Sorry. You might want to go ahead and cash in that mess.
3) Ears McGee award: Stephanie from SC. You might want to go ahead and tape you ears back.
Until next week…or not…
Mike
p.s. I’m famous and I’m traveling quite a bit in the next two weeks. We’ll see if I send your reason for living.
Episode two has three dates: two group dates and an individual date reserved for Stephanie from South Carolina, the winner of the first-impression rose. She’s trashy, by the way.
Let’s get down to business because the quicker we do, the quicker we can mock O.G.
Date One: The Sunset Strip
Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, Stephanie from KS, Bevin, Amanda and Tessa join Andy on a tour of the Sunset Strip. First stop: Saddle Ranch, home of the mechanical bull. What better way to get to know the ladies than to watch their jugs shake on a big metal bull! Thus, we get to see shaky boobs for 10 minutes. We all know that nothing gets me going more than boobs, so I was in heaven.
After touring the rest of the culturally-rich Sunset Strip, the crew heads to a hotel where they get to wear pretty dresses and see O.G.’s pretty body. They drink on the rooftop, change into bathing suits, and fawn over O.G.s ripped body. What could be better than the first underwater kiss? Nothing. Thanks for supplying us with the essential awkwardness, Bevin. Oh, and Bevin, please stop pretending you’re old and wise by prefacing thoughts with things like “At my age…” You’re 28. You’re not 65. You haven’t seen it all, my friend.
Andy chose to spend his “Special Quality Time” with Tiffany. More awkwardness ensues. Not only because they each said “Special Quality Time” 17 times, but also because Tiffany is personality-free. Amazing.
Date Two: Iron Man a la Loews Santa Monica
Kate, Susan, Erin, Tina, Amber, Danielle and Peyton join the Iron Man himself at the Loews hotel for a fitness extravaganza. Erin and Susan, the Besty and Busty Blondes, thoroughly un-impress me with their athletic prowess. I’m not into them…AT ALL. What are they, 12? They were nervous to approach Andy, so they did it together. They were nervous because they sucked at sports, so they sucked together. They were nervous about their dark hair, so they dyed it together. Overall, no fun. I hate chicks like this. Be confident. Stand up for yourself. And stop dying your hair like that.
Amber wins the Iron Man contest, and, well, great for her. This whole date was dumb and I’m over it.
Date Three: Romantic Sunset Cruise
Stephanie from SC gets to take a sunset cruise on O.G.’s yacht. Yeah, it’s not your yacht, O.G. Don’t pretend it is. Stephanie embarrasses humanity by reenacting the Titanic scene on the bow. O.G. laughs nervously (like a lot), Stephanie throws her dignity into the wind…and then it falls into the ocean. Oops…
Pre-Rose Ceremony. Girls say dumb things, the Sorority Recruiter chick defends her fake job, and the Besty and Busty Blondes further live up to the amazing nickname I’ve given them. Tina plays the “Oh poor me, I’m a smart med student” card. I was more like, “Oh poor you, you sang a ridiculous song for him upon meeting him and we all died inside.” Then Tessa gives him a random-ass foot massage and then she breaks down and cries. Weird.
Rose Ceremony.
And the roses go to:
1) Stephanie (from the individual date)
2) Tessa
3) Danielle
4) Bevin
5) Amber
6) Stephanie KS
7) Kate
8) Nicole
9) Tina
10) Peyton
11) Amanda
12) Erin. WHAT?!?
Home: Alexis, Tiffany, Susan (one half of the Besty and Busty Blonde duo)
Awards:
1) Captain Condescension award: Andy O.G. He gives a “I believe in true love, and that person is out there for you” preface to the rose ceremony. I’m sure the girls he dissed appreciated that. Thanks.
2) You’re a Virgin and You’re Going Home award: Alexis. Sorry. You might want to go ahead and cash in that mess.
3) Ears McGee award: Stephanie from SC. You might want to go ahead and tape you ears back.
Until next week…or not…
Mike
p.s. I’m famous and I’m traveling quite a bit in the next two weeks. We’ll see if I send your reason for living.
Monday, April 02, 2007
The Train Wreck Begins
Friends, lovers, ex-friends, ex-lovers and current crushes,
Welcome back to the most holy hour on television. What have I been doing since Lorenzo ruined our lives last fall? Nothing. But thanks for asking. Well, I’m sure I’ve been busy, but I’ve been mildly sedated for most of it because I just can’t find a source of happiness and/or a reason to live when our beloved Bachelor isn’t airing. Thus I turn to my medicine cabinet for solace. But enough about me! Y’all be looking good too!
Before we begin, let’s talk about the build-up for season 82. I must say, the TV ads preceding this season have been ab-filled, have they not? Who has 18 abs? His stomach makes me nervous—I feel like he has that same inflated chest thing going on that my He-Man action figures had in 1984. Am I the only one? How has he stayed active in the Navy with a body like that? We all know that no straight man looks that good in a bathing suit. Oh wait, are we still doing that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” mess? I guess he slipped under the radar…
And, without further ado, I’d like to announce the bachelor’s nickname for this season. Since he’s totally ghetto—and by “ghetto” I mean a white doctor/Navy lieutenant with a Duke pedigree named Andy—I’ve decided to call him “O.G.” (Officer and Gentleman, duh). What up, O.G.? How ‘da thug life treatin’ you?
As for his lady friends, I’m loving the predictable cadre of space cadets. There are few surprises. Blondes abound, and we have our requisite “diversity” cases, Texans and Tampa Trash!
On the subject of Texans, though, I’m a bit upset. Four Texans? I can’t. What, did they hold a casting at the Houston Galleria? Or was it at the $30,000 Millionaire Convention in Dallas? Most likely the latter, let’s be honest. And don’t get me started on the four South Carolinians…All in all, 11 out of the 25 lady friends are from the South.
But let’s get off the mathematical equations, and on to the introductions between the most awkward man on television (O.G.) and his suitors. The 25 women arrive one by one, most of whom wearing bad dresses. Not all of whom told bad jokes. Tessa from California told a joke about muffins and I died. Literally almost left the room.
But I saved leaving the room for another occasion—when Tina the med student sang the national anthem in her middle school choir voice. At that point, I hid in the bathroom. I’m serious. I also cringed when Blakeney (I’m sorry, what is your name?) fell because she was wasted. Ain’t nothing but class.
This year’s batch is certainly gainfully employed! ABC casters did well matching up those with interests in the medical field with our Dr. O.G. But some of the others have job titles that…well…aren’t doing them any favors. Let’s start with Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.” I don’t even know what that means. What are you doing recruiting sorority sluts at age 25? Have you not emerged from your booze-soaked undergrad days yet? 7th-year senior are you? Peyton, please try to find another job title that masks what you actually do. When you emerge out of your post-college bubble (the real world), I think you might find that people laugh in your face when you tell them your job. By the way, we live in the real world. Welcome to it. You may want to submit your resignation to Jamma Vi Brata as soon as humanly possible.
A few more notes on the contestants before I laugh at them more…
- Andy/O.G. is seriously embarrassing. I don’t think he’s seen a girl since he joined the Navy because he cannot communicate with them. It’s sad. Now we know why he doesn’t have a girlfriend.
- Linda from Ohio has biceps bigger than my thighs. Oh, and her ears and eyes are enormous too. I don’t think she’s built well…although she did a push-up contest with him. Good decision? No.
- The “first impression” rose went to Stephanie…only after she asked for it. So dumb. O.G. has no backbone.
- The gymnastic/flip/body tricks were no fun for anyone.
- The cake was no fun either.
One question before the rose ceremony. Is O.G. 5 feet tall? Yes. He’s shorty swing my way. Chris Harrison is taller than him! I mean…
And the roses went to.
1) Stephanie—got the “first impression” rose! Woohoo!
2) Peyton. The lovebirds share a birthday!
3) Bevin—they like each other
4) Kate from SC
5) Alexis
6) Danielle from CT
7) Amber
8) Tiffany from MA—she’s wearing a bridesmaid’s dress
9) Tessa—told the muffin joke
10) Nicole—ugly aqua dress…she’s drunk
11) Susan—blonde for days…and some major nipple action
12) Amanda—cute half-Asian. Smart and cute.
13) Erin—I’m thinking her blonde hair isn’t natural
14) Tina—girl needs to fix her bad voice
15) Stephanie—from Overland Park, Ka (means she works at Sprint)
Awards:
1) Sore loser award: Lindsay from KS stomped out b/c she was wasted and made mess of herself. I. Loved. Every. Minute. Of . It!
2) Best quote: “He short, his head is big, and his teeth look fake”—Lindsay, the drunk ho referenced above. But the chica speaks the truth!
3) Most awkward bachelor ever: O.G.
4) Best (worst) job title: Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.”
5) Out-in-front Future Winner: No one. You all suck.
That’s it for now. I’ll write more next week after having spent a week on the beach because I’m famous.
Mike
Welcome back to the most holy hour on television. What have I been doing since Lorenzo ruined our lives last fall? Nothing. But thanks for asking. Well, I’m sure I’ve been busy, but I’ve been mildly sedated for most of it because I just can’t find a source of happiness and/or a reason to live when our beloved Bachelor isn’t airing. Thus I turn to my medicine cabinet for solace. But enough about me! Y’all be looking good too!
Before we begin, let’s talk about the build-up for season 82. I must say, the TV ads preceding this season have been ab-filled, have they not? Who has 18 abs? His stomach makes me nervous—I feel like he has that same inflated chest thing going on that my He-Man action figures had in 1984. Am I the only one? How has he stayed active in the Navy with a body like that? We all know that no straight man looks that good in a bathing suit. Oh wait, are we still doing that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” mess? I guess he slipped under the radar…
And, without further ado, I’d like to announce the bachelor’s nickname for this season. Since he’s totally ghetto—and by “ghetto” I mean a white doctor/Navy lieutenant with a Duke pedigree named Andy—I’ve decided to call him “O.G.” (Officer and Gentleman, duh). What up, O.G.? How ‘da thug life treatin’ you?
As for his lady friends, I’m loving the predictable cadre of space cadets. There are few surprises. Blondes abound, and we have our requisite “diversity” cases, Texans and Tampa Trash!
On the subject of Texans, though, I’m a bit upset. Four Texans? I can’t. What, did they hold a casting at the Houston Galleria? Or was it at the $30,000 Millionaire Convention in Dallas? Most likely the latter, let’s be honest. And don’t get me started on the four South Carolinians…All in all, 11 out of the 25 lady friends are from the South.
But let’s get off the mathematical equations, and on to the introductions between the most awkward man on television (O.G.) and his suitors. The 25 women arrive one by one, most of whom wearing bad dresses. Not all of whom told bad jokes. Tessa from California told a joke about muffins and I died. Literally almost left the room.
But I saved leaving the room for another occasion—when Tina the med student sang the national anthem in her middle school choir voice. At that point, I hid in the bathroom. I’m serious. I also cringed when Blakeney (I’m sorry, what is your name?) fell because she was wasted. Ain’t nothing but class.
This year’s batch is certainly gainfully employed! ABC casters did well matching up those with interests in the medical field with our Dr. O.G. But some of the others have job titles that…well…aren’t doing them any favors. Let’s start with Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.” I don’t even know what that means. What are you doing recruiting sorority sluts at age 25? Have you not emerged from your booze-soaked undergrad days yet? 7th-year senior are you? Peyton, please try to find another job title that masks what you actually do. When you emerge out of your post-college bubble (the real world), I think you might find that people laugh in your face when you tell them your job. By the way, we live in the real world. Welcome to it. You may want to submit your resignation to Jamma Vi Brata as soon as humanly possible.
A few more notes on the contestants before I laugh at them more…
- Andy/O.G. is seriously embarrassing. I don’t think he’s seen a girl since he joined the Navy because he cannot communicate with them. It’s sad. Now we know why he doesn’t have a girlfriend.
- Linda from Ohio has biceps bigger than my thighs. Oh, and her ears and eyes are enormous too. I don’t think she’s built well…although she did a push-up contest with him. Good decision? No.
- The “first impression” rose went to Stephanie…only after she asked for it. So dumb. O.G. has no backbone.
- The gymnastic/flip/body tricks were no fun for anyone.
- The cake was no fun either.
One question before the rose ceremony. Is O.G. 5 feet tall? Yes. He’s shorty swing my way. Chris Harrison is taller than him! I mean…
And the roses went to.
1) Stephanie—got the “first impression” rose! Woohoo!
2) Peyton. The lovebirds share a birthday!
3) Bevin—they like each other
4) Kate from SC
5) Alexis
6) Danielle from CT
7) Amber
8) Tiffany from MA—she’s wearing a bridesmaid’s dress
9) Tessa—told the muffin joke
10) Nicole—ugly aqua dress…she’s drunk
11) Susan—blonde for days…and some major nipple action
12) Amanda—cute half-Asian. Smart and cute.
13) Erin—I’m thinking her blonde hair isn’t natural
14) Tina—girl needs to fix her bad voice
15) Stephanie—from Overland Park, Ka (means she works at Sprint)
Awards:
1) Sore loser award: Lindsay from KS stomped out b/c she was wasted and made mess of herself. I. Loved. Every. Minute. Of . It!
2) Best quote: “He short, his head is big, and his teeth look fake”—Lindsay, the drunk ho referenced above. But the chica speaks the truth!
3) Most awkward bachelor ever: O.G.
4) Best (worst) job title: Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.”
5) Out-in-front Future Winner: No one. You all suck.
That’s it for now. I’ll write more next week after having spent a week on the beach because I’m famous.
Mike
Friday, March 23, 2007
Hotty Mc-Hot-a-Doc...Part 2!
What: The source of all happiness and joy in this world, The Bachelor on ABC.
When: April 2, 2007, 9:30pm
Why: Because you're obsessed with me and my writing and witty prowess. Oh, and you're obsessed with this train wreck of a show.
Tune in. April 2. I'll be there, along with five bottles of wine. I have recently re-organized my estate to optimize my TV-viewing capabilities...and since I'm an expert in Feng Shui, I believe this re-organization has also optimized the energy of my estate which will, in turn, greatly enhance my already-amazing blogging skills.
Check out the hot doctor here. http://abc.go.com/primetime/bachelor/teaser2.html?primetime=true
He's actually a "Duke-ter." Gotta love those sexy Blue Devils...
Off to pee my pants with excitement.
Mike
When: April 2, 2007, 9:30pm
Why: Because you're obsessed with me and my writing and witty prowess. Oh, and you're obsessed with this train wreck of a show.
Tune in. April 2. I'll be there, along with five bottles of wine. I have recently re-organized my estate to optimize my TV-viewing capabilities...and since I'm an expert in Feng Shui, I believe this re-organization has also optimized the energy of my estate which will, in turn, greatly enhance my already-amazing blogging skills.
Check out the hot doctor here. http://abc.go.com/primetime/bachelor/teaser2.html?primetime=true
He's actually a "Duke-ter." Gotta love those sexy Blue Devils...
Off to pee my pants with excitement.
Mike
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)