"This is torture"

Alright folks, I was on the road making deals and changing the world. I missed the episode and just watched it now. Since I'm so busy and important, I'm just going to keep it high-level this week.

Date one: Selma. They take a private jet to the far off desert of Joshua Tree where they rock climb. They make it to the top, and hug. Also, Selma has a killer rack. Later, he takes her to a cutesy little dinner at an RV hotel. The drink wine, snuggle and...don't kiss. She explains that she's from a very conservative Iraqi family. Rock on girl. Gotta admire her respect for her family. Bummer that her family doesn't support her being on the show. Needless to say, there were blue balls indeed. She gets a rose, and he's "crazy about (her)." Cute.

Date two: group date. Roller derby! There is nothing better than some girl-on-girl competition, especially when physical contact is involved. Watching these girls bite it is pretty much the best thing yet. Except for the fact that Sarah (girl with one arm) is involved in this date. I mean, seriously, producers. This is borderline ridiculous, if not unsafe. Next up, Amanda totally bites it on her chin. This  date is spiraling out of control for sure. So Sean calls it off and there's no competition. I mean, I was hoping for fist fights, but whatever. Later, they go to dinner. Amanda returns with her busted chin, and she's fine. Then, surprise!!!, Tierra becomes the b*tch we know she is. She starts and pity party and then asks to leave. And then the tears start. Yadda yadda yadda. She actually has some pretty awesome quotes. A couple gems: "I can't take it anymore." "I can't be tortured like this." Yes, Tierra, Sean and all the girls are torturing you. Tell that to a waterboarding victim, and let me know what s/he says. But, she interrupts Sean, whines to him, and HE GIVES HER THE ROSE (!?!?!). Ugh. He also tells her he's "crazy about (her)." Okay Sean, let's not recycle too many lines here.

Last date: Leslie. They go shopping in Beverly Hills. It's basically Pretty Woman. She gets jewels (120 carats of bling), a dress, some heels, but more importantly Sean gets a killer tux. He looks so good! She also looks great, but I wish she was more fun. Unfortunately, it just doesn't click at dinner. No rose.

At the rose ceremony, Sean kisses some girls, and Tierra apologizes to confronts Robyn and Jackie.

Roses go to:

1. Selma
2. Tierra
3. Catherine 
4. Desiree
5. Lindsay
6. Lesley
7. Robyn
8. AshLee
9. Sarah
10. Jackie
11. Daniella

Byeeee: Amanda (and her bruised chin) and Leslie

Awards:

1. Most unoriginal pick-up artist: Sean. He's, apparently, "crazy about" everyone.
2. Worst: Tierra
3. Frontrunner: I still love Lesley. But Selma may have made a move this week. And then there's Des and AshLee...

Until next week,

Mike

As a guy who's had several concussions...

It's getting real this week, folks. Girls are crying, they're falling down stairs, they're wearing lycra speedo dresses to the rose ceremony...it's all too much.

The first date goes to our diplomatic politico, Lesley M. As a frontrunner, I'm expecting big things. Sean surprises her with a super romantic date to a horrible museum in Hollywood--the Guinness Museum of World Records. They putz around for a bit, until Sean surprises her with their very own opportunity to set a world record for World's Longest On-screen Kiss! The challenge: they have to best three minutes and 16 seconds kissing on camera. Guess whether or not it's awkward? Correct. It is. For over 3:16, they don't once slip a little tongue to the other. They just stand there, lip-locked, being cheered on by eight wide-eyed tourists the producers found wandering around the depths of Hollywood Boulevard. Luckily, three horrifyingly long minutes later, Sean and Lesley set a new world record and we can get on with this date. Sean describes the kiss and "hot" and "passionate." I describe it as boring. You choose who to believe. Later, they share some drinks and kisses rooftop, and Lesley gets the rose. She's cute and he likes her.

The second date is the dreaded winner/loser group date. One group wins, another loses, and the losers head back home while the winners hang with Sean. Kacie, Robyn, Leslie, Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie and Tierra join Sean on a beach for a day of volleyball and tears. The losing team has to go home upon losing, a situation to which Daniella refers as "literally (her) worst nightmare." So, let me get this straight. Daniella grew up terrified of the day in which she found herself on a beach in a neon bikini competing for a stranger's love via a volleyball game on a reality show that has thrice out of 17 seasons produced its desired goal: love and marriage. Right...this is literally a disaster for her. Well...guess what? Daniella's nightmare was realized and her team lost. Kacie, Desiree, Robyn, Amanda, Lindsay and Jackie won the game and got to stay on with Sean for cocktails and such. It all goes well until Kacie takes it upon herself to be the good girl in the group to tell Sean about the drama she's dreamed up between weird Amanda and cute Desiree. Sean asks why it's her place to tell him this, and then refers to her as a crazy person. Oops...that tactic backfired. Sorry, Kacie. Later, Lindsay gets the rose.

Next up, it's AshLee's turn for some one-on-one time. Just kidding. Tierra is so bummed her volleyball team loss she up and throws herself down the stairs just before Sean and AshLee's date. As one does, of course. Girl, you already have one dent in your forehead, no need for another. But, Sean arrives just as Tierra's "accident" is discovered, and he encourages calling the police. She could have a concussion, of course, and "as a guy who's had several concussions," he would know. Um, Sean...how many concussions, exactly? You have 16 girls vying for your love, and they need to know what they're getting themselves into. Also, Tierra, you suck. The paramedics arrive to save you and you refuse to go because you just wanted attention. Awesome.

Next up is Ms. Adopted AshLee. For a second we thought it would be a two-on-on because b*tch Tierra pretended the date card had both AshLee's and Selma's names on it, but she's just mean. So Sean and AshLee head to a deserted Six Flags to spend the day alone. AshLee, a bit shy (and totally stunning, by the way), says unenthusiastically that it's "perfect." Here's hoping her personality comes through. Upon arriving to Six Flags, Sean tells AshLee that they'll be sharing the park with two kids suffering from a terminal illness who met on a private social network for ill teens. It's amazing because they've become besties, but they've never met. It's actually pretty amazing for real, and Sean 100% cements himself as the nicest bachelor ever. He's literally unfazed by disabilities and he's just really nice. Everyone has an amazing day, and later, when they're alone again, AshLee tells Sean about her childhood of abuse, foster homes, and eventual salvation by amazing parents. Sean tears up as she shares her story, and all of America fell in love with him at the same time. Later, AshLee gets the rose. He likes her.

At the rose ceremony, the claws come out and girls are interrupting conversations and stealing Sean left and right. On a cute note, Sean surprises Sarah with her cute French bulldog. In the end, Sean sends Kacie--clad in a neon lycra speedo racing swimsuit dress--home prior to the rose ceremony beginning because she's crazy he doesn't see a future with her beyond friendship. 0 for 2 Ms. Kacie. Sorry...

Roses go to:

1. Lesley M.
2. Lindsay
3. AshLee
4. Tierra
5. Leslie H. 
6. Catherine
7. Daniella
8. Robyn
9. Selma
10. Sarah
11. Jackie
12. Amanda
13. Desiree

Byeeee: Kacie, Kristy and Taryn

Awards:

1. Nervous Breakdown Shortlist: Tierra and Kacie
2. Worst kisser: Sean, who awkwardly leads with his tongue. 
3. Villains: Tierra and Amanda
4. Fronrunner(s): Lesley and AshLee (maybe?)
5. Worst dress: Kacie's age group Speedo swimsuit/dress

Until next week,

Mike

Vegan or not, we all love beef.

And it's on. We sent the utterly tragic first round home, and it's time for the dates and drama to begin. This week we have two one-on-ones, and one group date.  I had a Manhattan and two glasses of wine. To each his own.

The first diplomatic date goes to Sarah, the girl with one arm. The reason I bring this up is because she relentlessly reminds us of her lack of an arm. Sean seems to care less, so I think she should too. That said, she is super sweet and she's game for an action-packed date that begins with...SURPRISE!!!...a helicopter ride. Next, Sean and Sarah free-fall off a downtown building to a champagne toast. It's cute. Until Sarah shares a sob story about being denied a ride on the zip-line because of her disability when she was in Vegas with her dad. Then, her dad apparently told her she needed a man to protect her from those situations, thereby setting women back four decades. All of this was sad and tragic...the most of which was the fact that Sarah was in Vegas with her dad. Eww. Anyways, Sarah gets a rose.

The next date is the first massive group date of the season. The lucky few are: Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie and Tierra. They are driven to the most tragically heinous mansion in the highway-adjacent LA suburbs where they star in a photo shoot for harlequin novel covers. You know, the norm. First dates with gratuitous flesh and make-outs are the best! Kristy, the "model" from Milwaukee freaks out but subsequently produces the best shoot. Lesley, who politically harbors the best body on set also puts forth a solid effort, whereas Tierra and her dented forehead doesn't so much. Later, poolside at the manse, a confident Lesley shares some adorable time with Sean who doesn't have enough game to kiss her. Luckily, Lesley has the balls to go back later in the night to plant one on him. Totally cute. The best part about their kiss? The fact that it was narrated by a drunken Daniella, who is quickly becoming my favorite lush in the house. Her best slurred quote (on Lesley and Sean's secret make-out): "That's...like...not OK with me." Amazing. Later in the night Kacie B. and mopey Tierra both get some attention from Sean, Katie--the HUGE-haired yogi--sends herself home, and Kacie ends up with the rose.

The last date is an art-filled prank fest with Desiree. Sean takes her to what appears to be an art opening for an experimental, yet appreciated, artist. His "work" is going for upwards of $2 million per piece. When Sean leaves her alone in the back room to observe the prized piece, the gallery director--I mean actor--tells Desiree about the beloved piece and its history. She then excuses herself, and while Desiree takes a seat (cold and alone in the room on what was supposed to be a date), the piece goes crashing to the ground. Desiree, cool under pressure, keeps her calm as the artist storms the room accusing her of ruining it. Sean, apparently a nice guy, rescues Desiree and soon confesses that it was all a set-up. It was funny, and Desiree was cool. Later, they head back for a steak dinner at Sean's place, hosted by Sean, playing the part of Every Texas-born Man. After dinner, they slip into their swimsuits (WHAT?!?! AFTER STEAK?!?) and swim and make out and fall in love with each other as they share stories of their perfect families. She gets a rose. Could she be the one?

At the rose ceremony, Amanda proves herself to be a nut job, Daniella once again gets wasted and hilarious, and Robyn asks Sean if he likes black girls. Awesome.

Roses go to:

1. Sarah
2. Kacie
3. Desiree
4. AshLee
5. Lindsay
6. Robyn
7. Jackie
8. Lesley M.
9. Selma
10. Catherine
11. Kristy
12. Leslie H.
13. Tierra
14. Taryn
15. Daniella
16. Amanda

Byeeeeeee: Katie, Brooke, Diana

Awards

1. Awkward first kiss: Sean and Sarah's. It lasted too long and Sean is no Arie when it comes to kissing.
2. Best quote: "I'm a vegan, but I love the beef." - Catherine
3. Wasty-mazing: Daniella. Also, girl, fix your roots.
4. Bravest: Desiree, who got into a bikini after a steak dinner. 
5. Frontrunners: Lesley M. and Desiree (two weeks running!)

Until next week,

Mike

26 women. Yet something doesn't add up.

Ladies and gentleman (singular), our collective reason for living has returned. This time, it's Sean who will woo our hearts and the hearts of all hopeful hopeless women in 'Merica. Cue the collective sigh when we realize he didn't get ripped in the off season...he doesn't even have a fully visible six pack, which is a 100% prerequisite for all bachelors. Yes, his biceps--which are the size of my thighs--make up for it, but still.

I'm not going to go on and on about tonight's episode, I'll just say it was pretty formulaic until Sean started handing out roses willy nilly during each and every conversation he had with the steadily-increasing-in-drunkenness women vying for his heart.

The lead-in to the season was on par with season's past. A look at his perfect, but empty, life at home. A visit with a former contestant (Arie) in which they practice pick-up lines and kissing. As men. Profiles of a mishmash of girls in their hometowns--most of whom will get roses, one of whom won't. Requisite diversity, including: four (count them!) black girls; an orange beauty queen; and Asian woman; a single mom; a former foster child; and a one-armed blondie from LA. Yes. Seriously. Life. Complete. Thumb up to diversity!

Some highlights of the 26 women.

• Katie is a yogi who doesn't wear shoes.
• Kelly is an orange Oompa Loompa who sings country songs.
• Robyn is a blacktress who did back handsprings and bit it instead of looking smooth.
• Tierra got a rose upon introducing herself. Cue immediate title as House Villainess. 
• Lindsay wore a wedding dress. And got wasted. 
• Ashley, the girl that gives the Midwest its bad name, was incredibly forward in her 50 Shades of Grey references. She also (obviously) got wasted.
• Kacie returned from Ben's season!

At the end of the night, a bunch of chicks got roses while chatting with Sean. So many in fact, I couldn't fastidiously chronicle them, so I'll leave you with this. A bunch of chicks got roses, and some didn't. 

So without further adieu, I'll allow you to go back to watching the National Championship game. Or I'll let the man in your life do that, and you can keep drinking.

Awards:

1. Best quote: "I can't say 'It's not you, it's me,' because it's obviously going to be her." Sean to Arie on his break-up techniques.
2. Worst dress: Ashley, the ghetto fabulous model from Denver, in a stunning drowning mermaid piece circa 1992 prom.
3. Awkward forced kiss upon meeting: Lindsay's kiss on the lips with Sean.
4. Wasty face: Lindsay
5. First tears: Taryn
6. Best job: Paige, the "Jumbotron Operator." There are so many directions I could go with this, so I just won't.
7. Villain: Tierra. That's "land" in Mexican.
8. Frontrunners: Lesley, the DC politico; Desiree, the LA-based wedding dress maker. 

Until next week, drink up and buckle up for a wild ride,

Mike