The Boyfriend versus the Best Friend versus OMFG

It's the night we've been dating for. Jillian is getting engaged to the man of her dreams. It's the boyfriend versus the best friend. Kiptyn versus Ed. Straight versus gay. Hot and sexy versus tank tops and short shorts. I'm not going to go on and on...so let's get to it. Of course, I was busy BYOBing at a killer dinner with the Family while this aired live, so here I am after midnight doing this bullsh*t for all of you, thankyouverymuch...

First we have to meet Jillian's family. Ed is Ed, and her family likes him. Kiptyn is better and they like him more. So there. That covers 60 minutes of the episode. Everyone agrees that Kiptyn wins, he's more balanced. More cautious, yes, but more genuine and in love with her. Ed is all talk and show and we know it. He's also caught up in the moment and doesn't know anything because he wears short shorts. We're all left to wonder: is it really there with Ed? Because it's clearly there with Kip.

Now it's time for date number two. Ed wears a tank top and short shorts as they fly around volcanoes during another heli-date and then change into Aquasocks because it's 1992. Later, he confesses his love for the 82nd time and we're over it.

Kiptyn is next, and he comes right out to the camera with his love for Jillian. Yes!! He's finally there and we love him and all 10 of his 10-pack. On the date it's make-or-break time with Jillian, and he makes it. Jillian soon admits that Kip is "the best catch I've ever met in my entire life." Yeah, you and the rest of us, Jill. They bone again because who wouldn't, and then it's time for the Big Day.

Jillian wakes up and tells us how she feels over forced coffee and awkward, pensive scenes on the balcony. Kip is "the perfect package" and Ed is "fun with good energy." Um...what? I think we have our decision, lovers. She "knows" what she's going to do, and we're not surprised. We're also not surprised when Kiptyn chooses a gorgeous ring, and Ed chooses an ugly one.

Meanwhile, Jillian is getting dressed in her I'm-gonna-get-engaged dress. Kip is the first to arrive. He confesses his love to her in a sweet and nervous way, and as soon as he drops the L bomb, we know her decision. It's written all over her face. And I vomit inside (thankfully not out). "I've fallen in love with someone else," is her response. I hate it. ED?!? REALLY?!?! Kiptyn leaves us tearfully (well, almost) as he drives off into oblivion and out of our lives forever. Ugh...back to his life of breaking hearts because he now knows that being heartbroken blows.

But wait. As I predicted, the love of our collective lives comes back to confess his much delayed love and we immediately forget about Kiptyn. Reid rolls up in a minivan and a bad outfit, and sweetly and wonderfully confesses the love we all (and Jillian) know he had and PROPOSES!!! I'll be the first to admit that the proposal is WAY too much, and Reid should have held his Philly horses for a minute and just proposed getting another chance. It's all in the delivery, Reid, and you messed it up. Regardless, ABC fools us for a hot minute as Jillian is dumbfounded and needs to think about it. Wait...let's be honest...she really does need to think about it because she deep-down knows he's the one and she loves him. But visions of kelly green short shorts are dancing through her head, and she sends Reid packing once again. (With help from Chris. FYI Chris, we're in a fight. Don't push her into a doomed relationship. It's just silly and you're eventually going to lose your job after all these failed relationships!) REID, WE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!

And then Ed shows up, proposes, and they get engaged. Whoop-de-doo. I'm over it.

Until never,

Mike.

p.s. I just might be forced to blog the upcoming hit, "More to Love." It's the Fat Bachelor, or hereafter "The Fatchelor," and I'm already obsessed. Stay tuned. Ha, The Fatchelor, that's good if I do say so myself.

p.p.s. Shout out to my dreamboat for giving me the final rose and not making me deal with any of this BS.

The Dudes Tell All

I know, I know, my blogcode dictates that I don't blog the "Bitches/Dudes Tell All" episode, but I have a few comments. And then I'm done and off to the dreamboat.

The Reid Conspiracy is still fully alive. Dude is still in the running, I swear.

-"I wasn't ready to let him go," says Jillian with a coy smirk, when discussing her heartbreaking goodbye to Reid. Catch that smirk? She's on to something...and hopefully it's on top of Reid.

-Reid is not present at the episode due to a "prior engagement." Like a pending engagement to Jillian?

-Mancode. ENOUGH ALREADY! David is still dead to us, even with his bearded disguise.

Until next week...

Mike

p.s. My blogcode also dictates that, time to time, I blog in real time. As evidenced tonight...when I posted this before I saw the scenes from the finale. BITCHES, I've still got it. Until next week...when Reid comes back!

To Bone or Not To Bone...2.0

So we got major blue balls last week with NO ONE getting a real invite to the fantasy suite...so we're left hoping for some love making this week. And...well...we'll get there.

We're in Hawaii now, and it's time to turn up the volume. Can I get a naked hot tub scene up in here? It's been weeks, and good lord, I've had it. We need some shirtless dudes, topless chicks, and full on boning, thankyouverymuch. Or possibly a Viagra prescription...

First up is Kiptyn, bald spot and all. He arrives to Maui and is whisked away to a ropes course with little Jilly. Take this from a former ropes course guide (two summers in North Carolina, what?)...their little trist in the sky could have been a little tougher. What were they, 30 feet up? I spent two summers 50 feet in the air, so clearly I'm more hard core than Kiptyn and his bulging biceps. And I also like dudes, which makes me majorly hard core and masculine. So there. After their leap of faith and a cute little zip line, they have a romantic dinner during which Kiptyn is very much in to her. He's kind of turned the corner, folks. Is this guy falling for her? I actually think he is. The fantasy date is turned up a bit when they spend the night together...and here's hoping she grabbed hold of those arms and went for a wild ride.

Next up is my favorite contender, Reid. I'm going on a limb and labeling him the cutest contender left. And I'm sticking to it like a Philly cheesesteak sticks to your ribs and giant ass. These two are BY FAR the most physically in to each other, and my HDTV steamed right up as the lovers made out throughout the entire date. Reid finally takes his first (albeit inevitable) helicopter ride. After a scenic tour of Maui, they have a cute picnic where Reid surprises no one by not finding the right words to express his near love for Jillian. I, for one, find it pretty cute because he's so clearly falling for her and she totally knows it. She kind of annoyingly presses for the words during the picnic and again later, but sometimes you have to just settle for that look in the eyes, right? They're so affectionate and falling in love and we all know it. At dinner, Reid once again admits his indecisive nature. He also admits to being scared when he's offered the fantasy suite...but that fades away as they snuggle and bone in the hot tub. It was hot, ladies and ladies...hot with a capital Reid.

Last comes Ed. Or is he now Big Gay Ed? He spent the damn date in a tank top and short shorts. Who else thinks this 'mo took a swing (or 8) through Boystown during his little hiatus back in Chicago? Me, me, me!!! Okay, I'm g-a-y and I don't even know where to find a swimsuit with a 1-inch inseam. Give me a break. And someone pour that Nancy a cosmo. But back to the date. Ed and Jillian sail and swim in gay outfits and then, surprise!!, they go meet his parents. Total Midwest, and I love it. The time with his mom and dad was a bit forced, and Jillian took the route of used car salesman, as she totally tried to sell herself and her relationship with their short-short-wearing son. Ed pretends like he's falling in love with Jillian and that he's ready for engagement...but let's be honest. He's just trying to say the right thing so he can get out of there because his balls are being suffocated little by little in his swimsuit.

At the end of the day, Ed and Jillian go to the fantasy suite to...um...not connect physically. Dude's nads were probably malfunctioning from lack of oxygen, and although Ed said all the right things, his little man had NOTHING to say, and there was ZERO romance during their sexy time. Too bad for Ed and Little Ed...

Before the rose ceremony, we're greeted by video confessionals from the boys. Kiptyn's was cute, and expectedly macho and surfer dude bro-ish...but fine. Reid's was perhaps the cutest to date. He fully opened up, and you could tell he was so genuinely ready to grow with Jillian. Although he called himself her "honeybear," I cleaned up my vomit and moved on because we're all in love with Reid and want him to marry us. (Except for me b/c I'm in love with my own honeybear and I want him to marry me.) And then Ed and his non-balls drops the "L" bomb. ARE YOU KIDDING?!? I just can't. Jillian's reaction was classic. Total drop-jaw. And I loved it.

At the rose ceremony, Jillian is a little messy. Before she makes her decision, she asks to talk to Ed. Surprisingly wearing pants, Ed obliges and chats with Jillian. He again says all the right things and assures her that he's a-okay. I don't think she bought it. And his suit SUCKS. Who is this guy?

1) Kiptyn
2) Ed.

WHAT?!?!? Are you F-ING KIDDING ME?!?! I'm done and I hate this show. Best of luck with a guaranteed unsuccessful relationship with a) a dumper, or b) a gay in short shorts and a bad suit.

Mike

p.s. Don't bother applying to be the next bachelor. Reid, you're the guy.

To Bone or Not To Bone...emphasis on "NOT"

It's the highly-anticipated "To Bone or Not To Bone" episode, and, well, we're left with blue balls.  Ain't no action to be had on this episode, lovers.  But wait...let me preface this with my famous life.  I did not watch the episode live last night, as I was otherwise engaged in a three-way with Red Sox, Fenway, and beer.  It's vacation week, my friends, and I'm making the most out of a tri-state trip with a blue-eyed stud and lots of fun.  I had initially hired Baby Jesus to guest blog, but he bailed last minute.  So here I am.  A day later...but still full committed.  

Hola mis amigos, y bienvenidos a Espana.  

First up is Kiptyn, who joins Jillian in Madrid for a date filled with dancing, kissing, and awkward camera shots of his bald spot.  Ooops...luckily Jillian is too short to see his balding tendencies.  That way, she can devote more attention to his bulging package in flamenco pants.  The lovebugs learn some flamenco and dance for each other.  The date was fine, but to be honest, I think Kiptyn is a little less in to Jillian than we may have hoped.  He's also a net zero.  Well, not zero.  With abs like that you're definitely in the positive, but I don't think he adds much in the personality factor.  At dinner, they're presented with the Fantasy Suite invite from Chris, and Jillian rejects it!  Don't worry, the theme continues...and we all collectively yawn at Jillian's lack of promiscuity.  Boring.  They cuddle instead and share an awkward evening of no sex and disappointment.  

Next, Jillian meets Reid in Sevilla for a MUCH cuter date full of connection and affection.  They are very cute together, and the chemistry is clearly there.  It seems "effortless," as Reid so aptly observes, and we love him for that.  We all laugh as they muddle their way through Spanish to have a fun day together.  Reid definitely stepped it up this date as he was pretty open with his feelings (even his cute jealousy).  The date ends with no Fantasy Suite once again, and I'm completely happy that the much-publicized performance anxiety clips courtesy of ABC do NOT star our beloved Reid. I'm clearly dying to know who they do, eventually, star.  Right?!? But thank goodness it wasn't Reid tonight! Reid ends it perfectly by saying, "Ella tiene mi corazon."  Babelfish that mess.

Ed, back in black, is next.  We stay in Sevilla for this date which is basically a 20-minute makeout fest.  It's all about PDA here, and I love it.  They are making up for lost ground in a major way, and it's borderline absurd.  At this point I'm annoyed that Jillian is continually saying "doing good" instead of "doing well," but what do we expect out of Canadians?  Perfection?  I think not.  Just bacon.  Ed gets the closest with the Fantasy Suite, after he convinces Jillian to hang out more, and they sleep with their clothes on.  Here's hoping at least a sock came off...

And lastly, our special friend Wes meets Jillian in Barthelona (yes, with a "th" and not a "c") for an Oscar-worthy performance.  The Oscar for horrendous acting, of course.  His game is up, folks, and it's just so clear.  But before the date, he had a great quote about Barthelona delivered in his signature twang: "I had a number one single in Chihuahua, Mexico, so I'm comfortable around Spanish people."  Because everyone knows that Mexico and Spain are one in the same.  And that Mexicans are Spanish.  You know you're from Texas when...

But back to the date.  Wes recites his memorized script with great lines about how they're great together and such, but manages to forget about the romance and affection girls need when they like you.  It's pretty brilliant that they made it through a whole date with not ONE kiss.  I mean, Wes is truly a scumbag, so you'd think he'd fully mount up on her and try to bone her, not stay so far away.  Even if his beloved girlfriend is back on the ranch...who really cares when you're a DB?  Clearly he's too focused on his lines to fully commit to the performance.  At dinner, Jillian comes with the full court press.  She calls him out on doing this for the wrong reasons.  Wes responds basically agreeing, and throwing his manager under the bus.  He clearly did this for fame, and guess what, he's not going to get it.  The awkward date gets fully amped up when Jillian asks him point blank about Laurel.  She asks him to tell him what he said to Jake, to which (cue the record scratching) he responds, "My girlfriend...I mean...my ex-girlfriend."  JIGGA WHAT?!?  JIGGA WHO?!?  And scene.  

Back at the rose ceremony, we know Wes has played his last number one single in Chihuahua when he tells the boys that "If it's me (referring to him being the one going home) I'll be back at home having lots of sex."  I can't even comment because my response would be so witty your heads would explode.  

And roses go to:

1) Ed

2) Reid

3) Kiptyn

Bye to the DB of the year: Wes.

Awards.

1) DB: Wes.  Congrats on winning once again, hereby establishing you as the DB of the entire series, let alone this season.

2) Frontrunner: Reid with Ed closing in.

3) Best drunk, idiotic, black-out limo ride home: Wes.  "I'm the first guy to make it to the final four with a girlfriend."  And 82 other drunken, ridiculous quotes about boning Spanish chicks that night and "cutting off the chains."

4) Next to go home: Kiptyn.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. I'll be back next week, fully bronzed after a week on the beach.  Get ready for that mess.  

Blind as an Austin Bat

Lovers, our beloved Jillian hit a new low this episode, and I'm still reeling from it. She's been duped, my friends, by a honky-tonk hillbilly hungry for fame...and it's just so hard to watch. But I'll get to that mess later. It's the hometown date night and we have five families to meet. So let's get to it! [N.B. we have five (5) families to meet as opposed to four, so our time with them is a bit short. Thus, we're a bit short on drama this go around. Sad, but true.]

We're cheesesteak-bound first. Jillian meets a very cutely-dressed Reid in his hometown of Philly; and things amped up like a cheeze-whiz induced heart attack. After checking out some good views, we meet his cute family at their cute house. Reid's family notices how affectionate they are, and there is literally no drama. Dad, my favorite character in this visit, gives his son great advice: "Take risks." He was very sweet and Jillian fell more for Reid during this date.

Next we're headed to California to meet Michael and his hyper family. His twin brother is just that: his twin. There is a lot of jumping and screaming throughout the date, and all goes according to hyper plan. Even the failed "switcheroo" when Michael and his twin try to fool Jillian by switching outfits. It lasts all of 2 seconds before she catches on. At the end of the date, Michael and Jillian finally kiss...for the first and (let's be honest) last time. Although I actually think Michael likes her now.

We stay in Cali for the next date, but this time it's with Kiptyn. His family is rich, educated, and totally California, complete with the blonde, overdone mother and the pretty plastic McMansion. You can tell Jilly is all about her beloved Kiptyn. His parents test her palate by giving her a lasagna and wine taste test (to see the best lasagna and wine) and she passes. Aww...the little hick from up North can do it! There was minor drama here when the overbearing, 80s-haired mom questioned Jillian and her quest for "unconditional love" (mom doesn't believe in it), but all went according to plan. Also, the family pulled a little joke on Jillian and her tendency for racy hot tub scenes by roping off their hot tub with caution tape. Hilarious. But they cut through that mess and got wet anyway.

Next we go a bit further north in California to visit Jesse's family on the farm. They own and run a winery, and their a bit hippy and fun. His caveman brother is anti-relationship and surprised at Jesse's affection for Jillian. But is Jesse's heart still too cold for love? Best quote of the date (by brother): "Have you guys been naked together?" Brills. Jesse, the "emotional ice cube" seems to really be falling for Jillian, and the date ends with a cute dance party/jam session with the family band (complete with Jesse on drums).

We end the night with a visit to Austin, TX. Please note the "Blind as an Austin Bat" reference above. The date begins with Wes getting free national air time for his stupid band, while his voiceover says, "The ultimate goal is getting our new CD to do well." Well, you got what you wanted. And shame on you, ABC, for giving it to him. Ridiculous. Wes has hereby fully cemented his role as Douchebag of the Year (DOY) and I hate him. My favorite quote, which underlies the whole evening, "I'm not a good liar." Thanks Wes. We know. Your intentions are written all over your face, but apparently Jillian doesn't seem them. She's too busy listening to your awful music. But hey, Canadians aren't known for their musical prowess.

Then...dun dun dun...Jake shows up to tell Jillian that he has a girlfriend, and that Wes confided this in him throughout the show. Laurel (she has a name!!), the beloved lover, and Wes are still in a relationship. Amazing. I heart Jake and his cheesy smile.

Meanwhile, Wes disengenuously tells Jillian that he really likes her (glad he's in music and not acting). "I'm not a good liar." Barf. The direction in this scene was brilliant. Way to feed him the lines, ABC.

Later, Jake knocks on Jillian's door, and a befuddled Jillian lets him in expecting he wants her back. But no...he's here to spill the dirt, but in a cute, Jake-like way. He's all emotional, and he finally tells her about Wes's girlfriend and that he's a total DB. Deep down we know that Jillian knows he's telling the truth, especially since he came with no motive but to be honest. He doesn't want Jillian to take him back, he wants her to save herself from hurt and heartbreak. Clearly she has blinders on, because during the confrontation later she kind of sides with Wes by giving him a chance. But more on that later. Jake leaves Jillian to her thoughts and tells her to call him if he's needed.

Wes then shows up, and walks in the door with a "What's up, momma?" Are you kidding? Momma??? Jillian gives him a chance to come clean, and he, free of emotion, denies it by saying "That's crazy." Okay, if you were faced with a completely false accusation by someone for whom you were genuinely were falling, wouldn't you muster at least a semblance of emotion and anger? Wes, being a lying sack of bat dung, simply says it's a lie, and says he likes her and that she's pretty. Um...what? Wes, I officially hate you and so does America. And your band sucks. So best of luck with your life. He muddles through a few more lies before Jillian wants Jake to join them so the real truth will come out.

Well, we're still waiting for that. Because Wes continues to deny it all when Jake arrives, and tries to drag Jake through the mud. After a slightly-heated confrontation, Jillian gives Wes one LAST chance to come clean. He clears his throat twice (um...ever heard of dead-on signs of a liar?!?!?!) and he denies it. It doesn't work, but a dumbfounded and blind Jillian keeps him around and decides to meet his family. Meanwhile, Jake weeps outside her room. Yikes...

The visit with Wes's family is fine, even though the whole family clearly lied to Jillian when they brought up the matter of the girlfriend. One sister said, "People will always be jealous of you, Wesley. You have it all." What? A failing career, a mediocre band, graying/thinning hair and a spare tire? If that's "it all," consider me, well, famous.

Then the shocker of the century (and by "shocker" I mean we saw it coming from 8200 miles away), Ed comes back and asks that Jillian give him another chance. Surprise!! Clearly she invites him to the rose ceremony.

At the rose ceremony, Ed shows up to make it six. Two will be sent home. Roses go to:
1) Reid
2) Kiptyn
3) Ed...I'm not surprised
4) Wes...ugh

Bye: Michael and Jesse.

While I'm not surprised that Michael and Jesse are homeward-bound, I'm still shocked by her choice of Wes. I mean, she has GOT to know he's bad news bears. If not, I'm breaking up with her.

Awards:
1) DB: Wes
2) Blind as an Austin Bat: Jillian (If you don't get the "Austin Bat" reference, Google that mess. They're so cool! And they made an appearance tonight during stock Austin footage.)
3) Frontrunner: Reid. But Kip and Ed are close behind.

Until next week (get excited, it's "To Bone Or Not To Bone" night!!!),

Mike

Polar Bear Express

This damn Canadian adventure never seems to end. And neither does my ridiculous devotion to this show. After a killer workout followed by a yummy dinner, I came home to relax and hit the sack with the sexiest roommate one could ask for. But my DVR beckoned from across the room. Two seconds later, that bitch was fired up and there I sat, hungry for more of this wretched trainwreck called "The Bachelor/Bachelorette."

Tonight, the boys and Jillian rode an actual train through the tundra, or, if you want to get technical, they rode the Rocky Mountaineer through the wilderness. After two episodes in "Vancouver," we're transported to another "territory" called "Alberta," where the team takes in the sites via choo-choo. Okay, okay, the toy train is cute. So let's get to it.

The first one-on-one date goes to Robby, the oddly cute and charming bartender. From the beginning, I'm pretty sure he's secured a rose because Jillian and he have connected since the beginning. There's just one catch: what does he bring to the table? He's 25, underemployed, and has no direction in life. It's time to bring out the big guns, Robby. He starts by making drinks. Okay, hammering home the fact that you're a bartender is not going to win over the woman looking for a guy ready to settle down and father her children. And neither will saying things like, "I'm not sure what my future holds, I'm kinda between jobs" or whatever he rambled on about when asked if he's really ready to settle down. As the date progressed, her lack of interest increased, and by the end of this little train ride, the Rocky Mountaineer rumbled to a stop, and Robby was booted without a rose. Jillian tried her best to feign sadness, but honestly, I don't think dropping Robby in the wilderness was too hard for her. Child is a 25-year-old aimless bartender. He ain't husband material. Adios, Robby. And make it dirty, on the rocks, please.

After her "rough" goodbye, our country swooner sweeps in to comfort Jillian. Wes snuggles with Jillian, she melts into his arms, and he gets a few more minutes of cherished air time. His voice over puts it perfectly: "I'll always have Jillian wrapped around my little finger." Getting a little cocky, are we Wes? More on that mess later...

The second date is with Tanner, Wes, Michael, Jesse, Jake and Kiptyn. Tanner withstanding, it's like the battle of the hotties. Although there is no battle whatsoever. Instead, they go snowshoeing through the North Country, while Reid is left back on the train to contemplate his upcoming one-on-one with Jillian, and to let his neuroses get the best of him (glasses or no glasses?). But back on the date, nothing really happens. Jake is cheesy, Kiptyn talks to much, Tanner takes of his pants...the usual. Wait, what? Yes. When Michael brings up the awkward conversation topic of what Jillian wears to bed, Tanner jumps in and strips down to his manties (man-panties, for those not in the know). A little odd. But not as odd as Jillian saying to the camera, when talking about his package, that "it was huge," followed by Tanner admitting that he's "blessed." Child, you didn't get blessed with anything but the ugly stick and a freaky foot fetish. Start packing for Dallas. And take the sock out of your pants.

More boys spend one-on-one time with her after the event. Tanner plays with her feet, Jesse remains a frontrunner, Michael is basically her brother and is yet to form any sort of romantic connection...it's all to be expected.

At the end of the date, our beloved and wordy Kiptyn gets the rose while sharing the hot tub with a bunch of shirtless dudes.

Later, the boys share some boy time and it's all about confessions. Tanner comes out of the closet with his admission that he was the dude that dropped the Girlfriend Bomb on Jillian. The dudes all don't seem to mind, with one exception: Wes. Hmmm...wonder why? Next, Wes has a great line: "I've made it six shows so far...I've got what I wanted." Obviously this is all in reference to the fact that he has gotten the exposure he was after, and if he happens to be in the running for the girl, that's just a nice byproduct. Gross. We hate Wes. Go back to Austin. Wait, don't. I like Austin, and I don't want you ruining it with your conniving ways. Go to Dallas or something fake like that.

The next morning, Jake visits Jillian in her room-slash-train car. Honestly, he's cute, he's got a killer smile, but dude is C-H-E-E-S-Y. He tells her, in his goopy way, that he really likes her. Jillian, not a gifted thespian, simply cannot hide the fact that she's completely over him. She thanks him for being so honest, but not in a girlfriend sort of way...more in a first-grade teacher teaching a lesson about honesty and trust. It was almost painful to see her response to Jake's confession, as it lacked even an ounce of emotion. Negative points for Jake for not noticing that she could care less what he thinks. Hopefully you're more in tune with reality when you're piloting commercial flights.

The last date is the one-on-one with Reid. And, while I may be in the minority here, he completely won me over. Not only is he really cute (both with glasses and without, thank you), he is a total loony toon, in the best possible way. Dude is neurotic, OCD and tends to over analyze everything. Hmmm...he's basically the straight version of me. Clearly he's amazing.

Anyway, more about me...I mean...the date. Reid and Jillian snowboard near Lake Louise, and Reid, the perfectionist, is a mess. He totally can't do it, but he plays it off well. Jillian loves that he tried something he's not good at, and she liked seeing him take a chance. They share an outdoor cocktail at a scenic overlook made of ice. I'm talking chairs, table, glasses...it was all ice. So fun. After a beer or eight, they snuggle and kiss and it's cute. Reid says that red ears mean you're horny. They kiss some more. And my ears get red on the couch.

Later, the snowbirds snuggle up for a dinner of fondue. Reid is totally freaked out by the concept of fondue, and it's hilarious. Hey, at least he admits his neuroses and goes with it. I think with each admission, he charms her more. He's quirky, different from the other guys, but seems to be carving out a little spot in Jillian's heart because he's just being himself. Are they perfect on paper? No. But they're a good match. All in all, the date was great and we love our Reid, crazy tendencies and all. Jillian agrees, and he gets a rose.

The rose ceremony is next, but before Jillian hands out the roses, she takes Michael aside to ask if he's really serious about her. We all know that he's not, and that they have ZERO chemistry and all he wants is his big break...but apparently he muddled his way through an acceptable response. Crazy.

Roses go to:
1) Kiptyn
2) Reid
3) Jesse
4) Wes
5) Michael. WHAT?!?

Bye: Robby, Jake, Tanner.

I actually kind of though Jake or Tanner (more like Tanner) would stay for one more week. But now we're subject to a family visit with Michael, and it's bound to be uncomfortable and overacted.

Awards:
1) DB: Wes. You suck. And so do your songs.
2) Frontrunners: Kiptyn and Jesse.
3) Comeback Kid: Reid.

Until next week,

Mike

No Drama

Live from Milwaukee (are you sensing a once-a-season theme here?), I've postponed dinner plans to blog for you all. So eat this up like it's your job because I've had to search high and low for a restaurant open past 9pm in this town so I can watch this mess AND eventually eat dinner. Ridiculous. Beers have been delivered via room service, though, and I'm ready to watch (big shout out to New Glarus Brewing Co.'s Spotted Cow--it's my favorite Wisconsin beer for sure).

So while I've traveled West, the boys remain in the North Country to continue to woo a slightly bruised Jillian. We're in Whistler this week, lovers, so let the drama begin. There are two one-on-one dates and one group date tonight, so let's get down to business and figure out who's got a chick back home, because let's be honest, that's all we really care about. Who's double dippin'?

Michael, our entertainer, is awarded the first one-on-one. This is the face time he's always dreamed of. We all know that he is dying when his name is called. "Is this my big chance? Will a talent scout see me on TV and sign me so I can stop teaching break dancing and make it big in La-La Land? YESSSSSS!!" We, on the other hand, are thinking, "Good god, please don't annoy us too much with your overacted antics."

The "Come Fly With Me" date is surprisingly not another heli-date: it's a zip line. I'm super jealous. Michael gets all deep on us by equating zip lining to love, we barf, but we continue to watch regardless. Is anyone less than impressed after a few zips? They're not going very fast, so my jealousy fades. After the zipping, they sip hot chocolate and talk. I wish Michael would just calm down once in a blue moon, but he doesn't. His poor mother...

Michael and Jillian have dinner later that night. Jillian is hoping for a more serious Michael, and our fingers are crossed that he'll deliver. I'm not holding my breath. Jillian flat-out asks if he's ready to settle down. Michael skirts around the issue and then asks Jillian what she wants. Um...Michael, you didn't answer the question. Not like any of us think that you're remotely ready for anything but fame-hunger, but at least fake it. You're an actor, right? Convince us, my friend. Jillian then asks why he "really signed up for the show." Wow. Awesome. Michael then confesses that he had a breakup eight months ago and that he hasn't been on a date since. Blah. He's here for the "right reasons" even though he's not. Jillian gives him the rose anyway, even though there seems to be NO romantic connection. Is she babysitting, or is she dating? They don't even share a real kiss. Come on...

The group date is with Wes, Robby, Kiptyn, Tanner, Ed, Jake, Reid and Mark, which means Jesse gets the one-on-one. Reid, looking cute in his glasses, is bummed. The boys join Jillian on a snowmobile trip through the mountains. Jillian, has ulterior motives, and is destined to find out where these boys stand...not just where they snowmobile. She asks Robby to join her on her snowmobile, and the other boys get their own. They get to share some one-on-one time, and Robby (complete with a red, helmet-dented forehead) confesses that he was upset about the previous rose ceremony. The other dudes talk behind his back. Robby reassures her that he's for real. If only he had a job...

Tanner interrupts the Robby time, and let's just see if he can save himself after he became the House Rat. He again doesn't name names, and I think this makes him look like a weasel. Tanner is not only rat-like in his features, he seems rat-like all around. Tanner clearly has it out for Wes, but doesn't he have evidence? Hmmm...

She then cuddles up with Wes, who obviously reassures her that he's there for reasons outside of his music career. Are we convinced? I, for one, am not.

Later, they all hang out and catch up more. At this point, I'm realizing quickly that she is obsessed with Kiptyn. She is 100% falling for him. But wait...their kisses are kind of awkward. Is Kiptyn a good kisser? I'm nervous.

Then she spends some time with Reid. She questions him about his 5-year plan, and he tells her how he wants a wife, kids, and an adventurous family. It's cute, kind of awkward. Especially when she says, "Who's the one with the girlfriend?" He gives her a funny answer by saying he has four girlfriends and two wives...haha.

Ed is up next, and Jillian is feeling that he's distant. Ed admits that his boss is questioning his choice to be away, and Ed reacts pretty emotionally because his boss gave him an ultimatum. Pretty sh*tty boss, in my opinion (if he knew what Ed was doing, that is...if not, then Ed is dumb for not telling him). At the end of the date, Jillian gives Ed the rose. She gives him the choice to accept it and/or to give it back after thinking about it. Pretty sweet of her, I must admit. I heart Jillian.

The last one-on-one date is with Jesse. They hang out on a glacier (you know, the normal), and then have a romantic talk in the snow. Jesse seems really into her, and he is very open about his past love (singular). It was cute.

Sidenote: I hate this new "Marry Me Monday" BS. ABC, stop trying to extend this damn show to two hours. If you could condense it two one hour, we could all do a lot more with our lives. Like eat dinner before the restaurants close at 9pm in Milwaukee.

Back to the show. Jillian asks Jesse if it's too soon for him to pursue a new relationship due to his recent breakup. He's kind of dumbfounded, but he gets through it okay. Cue the inevitable hot tub scene, and he's definitely falling for her. Unfortunately, he has a bit of a goatee, but we can try to get over it. Jesse gets a rose and then they kiss. He says he can "die happy." A bit much.

At the pre rose ceremony, things take a bit of a turn. Remember that rose Jillian gave Ed to make him feel better about maybe losing his job but, in turn, maybe finding the love of his life? Yeah, not so much. Ed is outta here, and now he's forever ruined his chances with the women of the greater Chicagoland area. Dude is choosing work over love! It's like the number 1 complaint of chicks everywhere! (At least chicks in New York who deal with d-bag bankers on a daily basis.) Jillian arrives to Ed's room to be dumped. It's so dumb. Tables turning, much? Jillian is getting dumped on her own show? Wait...WHAT?!?!? Poor Jillian talks a little too much after being dumped, and with that, Ed is Chicago-bound. Sadly, Ed looks cuter than he's looked all season as he dumps her...but maybe that's good for his future chances at love? So weird. But what's weirder is that Ed doesn't give the rose back because he doesn't think someone else deserves it. Not sure if that's cool or not. Don't really think so. But Jillian leaves him with a zinger: "Promise me this. When you do find the one, don't let work get in the way." BAM.

But by the looks of it, Jillian is pretty damn upset about this. Makes me think he was in the running...too bad for him. They could have had cute dark-haired, dark-skinned babies. Oh well. Best of luck.

On to the rose ceremony...where only ONE guy is leaving to night. Sucks to be him, because she is totally sure who's outta there. So without a cocktail party, here we go.

1) Michael
2) Ed...Just kidding!!
3) Jesse
4) Reid
5) Kiptyn
6) Robby
7) Jake
8) Tanner. WHAT?!?!?!?! Why is this happening?
9) Wes

Bye: Mark. Kind of a shocker.

Awards:
1) D-bag: Ed. Have fun technologically consulting and living a loveless life.
2) Rat: Tanner. You act like one. You look like one. Go suck on a toe, and best of luck in life. Except we have to see you again next week. Ugh.
3) Best editing: ABC peeps. Nothing promised this episode was delivered. Brilliant.
4) Front runners: Kiptyn and Wes.

Until next week,

Mike

Oh Canada...

Summer camp is over, boys. It's time to pack up and head to...Canada?? Wait..is this some sort of punishment? You can't just leave LA and be forced to go to the mythical Northland and pretend it's a good thing. Or can you?

Vancouver was the setting for last night's episode in which three boys were sent packing. Jillian hosts the guys in her hometown. (Sidenote: wasn't she from some other Canadian village last season? Edmonton? Calgary? Another Canadian city I can't think of because there are only like 12 to choose from?) The episode features three dates: a one-on-one; a group date; and a two-on-one in which one guy is sent home by the end.

The one-on-one date goes to Kiptyn, and the rose was his to lose. Could he finally summon a personality to match his good looks? Is he everything he hoped he would be and more? He joins Jillian on a little kayaking adventure, and then they go to the Public Market to buy food for dinner. After a cute talk on the water, the couple heads home to cook. It's kind of a perfect date in the making. Outdoor activities followed by good conversation and a do-it-together meal? Amazing. The only negative of the date was the part where they fed pigeons. People, feeding rats with wings is a pasttime left to crazy women with wild hair and 82 cats. It's not for us. But back to the dinner portion. They cook, he comes up behind her, places his hands on her hips, and kisses her neck. We all melt, she dies, it's cute. After dinner, Kiptyn opens up some more by confessing that he's no good at pursuing women. "People pursue me," his special quote, could have sounded a lot more dick than it did, but Kiptyn pretty much wins us over. Their conversation on this date was very easy and genuine, and I think he might like her. I'll overlook the embroidered bird/crest on the shoulder of his black button-down shirt, and give him an A- for the date. If he was preppier he would have earned an A. He gets a rose, and I think she really likes him.

The second date is a BIG group date with Ed, Jesse, Tanner, Jake, Robby, Wes, Michael, Reid, Juan, and David. The play a "Canadian" "sport" called "curling." The boys are split into two teams, and the winning teams gets to spend the night with Jillian, as opposed to just awkward time in sweatsuits on the ice playing with brooms. Without diving into too much detail, the red team wins and Jesse is the clear MVP. On the date later that evening, Jake is worried he's too perfect, other dudes do other things, and David, like clockwork, turns crazy. As they chatted on the couch I was simultaneously expecting him to 1) beat her, 2) jump her bones, and 3) accomplish all of this as his red-faced, inflated head spun off. Instead, he verbally assaulted her with bad language, a failed attempt at a kiss, and non-stop talk about her ass. Um...inappropriate much? At one point during his word vomit, he says the F word, leans in for a kiss only to be given the cheek. He questions Jillian and she says something to the effect of, "I'm not kissing you after you say that word," to which he reponds, "I would think you'd want to kiss after saying f*ck." Pure class. Truly a gentleman. But I guess that's what "Trucking Coordinators" from Kansas do. Jesse gets the rose on this date, and we all share a sigh of relief that David didn't inflict bodily harm on anyone during the filming of the date.

The last date is between Jillian, Mike and Mark. They couldn't be more different. Mike spews forth far too many words and far too much honestly. Mark is mute and nervous. Mike is a guido from New York. Mark is subdued from Colorado. Mike's hair is black. Mark's hair is light brown. The opposites board a helicopter headed for Grouse Mountain, and Mike awkwardly sits in the middle and gets Jillian to himself, while Mark is forced to look out the window alone. At dinner, Mike commands the conversation, while Mark sits quietly across the table. During some one-on-one time, Mike continues to say all the "right" things (though they sound a bit disingenuous). Luckily, Mark gets his chance next, and he confesses that he's not very good in these situations. Their conversation doesn't seem forced, and it's finally relaxed and chill. Very Colorado. At the end of dinner, Mark gets the rose! Yay! Mike then awkwardly exits via gondola.

Before I get to the rose ceremony, can I please point out that there was not ONE gratuitous shirtless scene in this episode? Okay, Mike and Mark getting dressed before their date involved no shirts, but please. Um...ABC, the only reason anyone watches the Bachelorette is for the shirtless men in pools and hot tubs or just lounging around being shirtless. I mean, couldn't there have been some shirtless curling? Or a shirtless dinner scene? Work on it.

Back at the pre rose ceremony, tension is heightened. Jake hints to Jillian that there may be some guys here for the wrong reasons. Tanner goes even further to say he's heard someone say they have a girlfriend back home. Even without the scenes for next week's episode, we all know it's Wes, the guy who had just told Jillian he's "always been faithful." My ass. Faithful to your failing music career, perhaps. Jillian freaks, there is a total drama confrontation between Chris and Jillian and the boys, and it's all awkward. My favorite part was when everyone was asked to confess who it was, or who said what, and the cameras always came back to the tail-between-his-legs Tanner. Brilliant. He was SO dejected.

After zero resolution and emotional outbursts on behalf of a select crew of dudes, we're left with the rose ceremony and a bruised and battered cast.

1) Kiptyn
2) Jesse
3) Mark
4) Reid
5) Robby
6) Ed
7) Michael
8) Wes
9) Jake
10) Tanner - total surprise!

That leaves us with Mike, Juan and David heading home. Not gonna lie, I was surprised that sappy Juan was sent home. I predicted it to be Tanner and David, not Juan and David.

Awards:
1) Biggest pansy-ass: Tanner
2) Fame-hungry scene stealers: Wes and Michael
3) Latent homosexual: David

What do you bet Juan and David totally made out during the limo ride to the airport? Hate sex, anyone?

Until next week's drama,

Mike

Lucky 13

Lovers and friends. I'm a trainwreck and I've let you down too much. I didn't blog last week, I'm a day late this week, I'm pretty much a general mess when it comes to keeping you entertained. But I'm famous, you love me, and you keep coming back for more. Sidebar: who watches "Intervention" on A&E? Brilliant.

Anyway, back to biz. I'm back, my TV is better than ever, and this show is the dumbest thing on it. But little by little, we're weeding out the duds and meandering our way to true love. Oh wait...

So this week's episode has three dates: two one-on-one dates and one group date. The first one-on-one goes to Ed, the nice guy from Chicago. It's a "dangerous" date, which involves an annoyingly slow zip line from the top of a building down to a pool below. I mean honestly, who wants to inch along on a zip line through the sky? Was it broken or something? I'm looking for a thrill, people, not a yawn. In the pool scene, the editors prove that Ed has no bod as he's only featured under water. But he's nice, and they kiss...yadda yadda. He gets a rose, and we move on.

The second date is on a "film shoot" with 11 dudes and Jillian. They film a western, and it even includes a gay twist. I think we all saw the "Brokeback" dialogue prancing towards us from 100 gay miles away, but whatever. Brad wins the award for the most awkward kiss ever, and we all mute our respective TVs in horror. Robby, who finally gets his chance to shine, outperforms everyone and delivers an Oscar-worthy performance topped off with a sexy and romantic kiss. It was cute and we like him...even though he's a bartender. At the "wrap party" Juan once again proves he's a total DB and skeeves us all out with his sappy candor. Over it.

Meanwhile, at the manse, David is steaming and drinking and acting overly straight as always. Nothing like being a big straight dude from Kansas and 100% living up to our expectations! Anger Management, 101. I'm sure they teach that at Topeka Community College.

Back on the date, we have the gratuitous shirtless hot tub scene, and Tanner once again freaks out over Jillian's feet. Can we be done with the foot fetish already? I mean seriously, it's getting old. And gross. At the end, Robby gets the rose and we're all happy.

The second one-on-one date is a hot-rodding adventure with Sasha. Let's just say, his ears are big and he doesn't get a rose. Jillian is convinced he's too young and wet behind the big ears...and he doesn't get a rose! Is this a first? Probably not, but I don't care and Sasha is sent packing to TX in an LA city bus. Classy.

Back at home, Wes serenades Jillian with a generic country song he probably wrote when he was 8, but she falls for it. Jillian...really? This guy's a douche and we're over it. He also never takes off his shirt, which is an automatic -82 points.

At the pre rose ceremony, David, the "top dawg," only further cements his growing rep as House Psycho Hose Beast. His meathead tendencies lead him to cut off the dudes mid-sentence, drink far too much, trash Juan to pieces, and look like a general freak show. Clearly, I love this. It looks like his head is going to spin off at any minute. If I was on set, I'd be afraid for my life, but on a big-screen TV it's just fine. How many more episodes until he pulls a Christian Bale on the sound guy?!?

At the end of the night, these dreary-eyed and exhausted boys are left standing:
1) Ed
2) Robby
3) Jake
4) Reid
5) Mark, who has had NO face time yet
6) Jesse
7) Tanner P.
8) Wes
9) Juan
10) Michael
11) Kiptyn
12) Mike
13) David, who nearly stumbles b/c he's so blackout...or is it just rage-filled?

Adios to Sasha, Brad and Tanner F.

Awards:
1) Crazy-town: David
2) Oh Poor Me I'm a Raging Loser and Nobody Appreciates Me: Brad
3) Front-runner: Robby and Kiptyn

Until next week,

Mike

The Douchebaggery Resumes

Lovers and friends,

It's back. And so am I. First, the big news: there's been a major upgrade in my life. Not only do I watch my television under the stars in my new palatial estate with a new roommate and love of my life; I watch my television with a remote that fast-forwards and rewinds and tapes TV shows. Some of you may know this as "DVR." I know it as brilliant. Now I have more options besides the mute button! When inevitable awkwardness and disaster ensues, I can simply end it altogether! Can you handle The Bachelor Update 2.0? Why, you ask, did it take me so long to get DVR? Reminder: I'm famous and busy and why bother when you're a jet-setter? But since I got a massive apartment upgrade, I figured I'd upgrade the technology as well.

I'll keep this short and sweet, as opposed to ABC's approach to the show (two hours?? every time??). This season, our lovely bachelorette is Jillian, the scorned Canadian lover made famous by last season's hot tub scene with Jason. She's back, bitches, and she's ready to find love. But I'll be honest...do her suitors know she lives in Canada? Are they prepared to move their lives to this mythical land of peace and snow? Putting that thought aside, let's get to the dudes.

One of the things I love about The Bachelorette, is the brief respite we get from the lady drama of The Bachelor. Instead, it's replaced with the dude douchebaggery we've come to love so much. And also a few six packs. On that note, here are a few of the highlights of the 30 (yes, 30) lovers vying for Jillian's affection.

-A breakdance instructor.
-A "fitness model."
-A trucking coordinator. Where do I begin with this one...
-A man with no upper lip.
-An awkwardly tall and unattractive Brit.
-And the 82 requisite Texans.

As always, the arrival of the men provided a dizzying array of fashion don'ts, which I always love. Who let these men out of the house wearing these outfits? Neon green dress shirts? Cowboy hats? Fat ties that aren't tied tightly? I just can't.

Besides the heinously awkward silence/brainfreeze of David's arrival, the meet-and-greets were pretty painless. The men seemed very nervous as a whole, but nothing too drama. But wait...did anyone notice Jillian's dress towards the end of the arrivals? It was wet and brown on the bottom due to the wet pavement she stood on for 3 hours as the dudes arrived. Awesome! But don't worry...there was definitely a costume change before she enters the house. $100 bucks says none of the guys noticed.

The attention-grabbing commences immediately as Jillian enters the house. Guys steal Jillian away from each other, do embarrassing things, we all know how it goes. My favorite was the Kyle/Brian time with Jillian. Kyle, a picture-perfect cut-out of an alterna-Brooklynite competes for Jillian's attention with Brian, a picture-perfect cut-out of a hick from 'Bama. Loved it! Half-way through the night, five more dudes arrive (gasp!) to round out the dude-to-Jillian ratio at 30:1.

The First Impression Rose (FIR) is always the big moment of episode one, and this season it went to David, the man with the absolute WORST first impression of all. Remember? He walked up to Jillian and then went to completely mute for what seemed to be 82 seconds?

After two hours of boredom, Jillian selects 20 men to remain.

Danny
Jake
Jesse
Wes
Mathue (What? Are you kidding with this spelling?)
Michael
Robby
Ed
Reed (or is it Wade?)
Simon
Kiptyn (Kudos for best name.)
Mike
Brian
Sasha
Julien (Jillian and Julien? Um...no.)
Tanner P
Mark
Brad
Tanner F (Yes, two Tanners.)
Juan (Stop pretending you're from Argentina. You lived there for five minutes.)

Awards:
1) Best costume change: Jillian's arrival into the house in the exact same gown in which she greeted the men; only this one was clean!
2) Best alterna-attempt: Kyle, the Brooklynite, who was sent home in his skinny jeans.
3) Smallest upper lip: John H., the dude who almost cried after he was sent home. Barf.
4) Front-runners as of week 1: Kiptyn and Mark.

Until next week,
Mike

The Most Dramatic Finale EVER

Ladies and gentleladies, the Bachelor Finale has arrived, and I'll give you one guess which kind of rose ceremony it is. Yes, you guessed it: The Most Dramatic Final Rose Ceremony Ever. So I put on my fluffy robe, sit down in my plush chair, turn on the flatscreen TV, take a sip of my wine, enjoy my view of the lovely Milwaukee skyline (here for a photo shoot staying at a killer new hotel…and yes, “photo shoot” and “Milwaukee” are in the same sentence), and tune in to the eight-hour saga that the Bachelor Finale has become.

Before I begin, quick poll: who is dying with anticipation as they begin to watch? Even though this show blows massive goats, I’m still sucked in and all a-twitter (no, not the website) about this.

Okay, on to the show. It’s the battle of M v. M. Melissa versus Molly. We’re still in New Zealand, because it’s pretty and far from reality. Just like this show.

Chugga chugga choo choo. Can you hear it? It’s a train wreck, and it’s coming our way.

After a forced tearful reunification of Dad and Ty, Melissa is first on the scene. Bit of a surprise here as Melissa isn’t ragingly uncomfortable or awkward with Ty. She’s cute and pretty natural. It’s annoying because Melissa sucks.

After some play time that involves a goat (um???) Melissa and Jason go to meet Jason’s family. Melissa sells herself to the family. His parents are weirded out that he hasn’t met her parents, so they grill her. Melissa pretends like her family is close-knit; we clearly don’t believe it. They’re heartless and cold and they hate their daughter and we all know it. Next, Jason’s brothers question Melissa, and I’m slightly obsessed with their quizzical and cynical looks as she says how ready she is for a life with Jason. It’s brilliant. After the family pretty much approves of Melissa, she’s sent packing. Jason admits (to the camera) that he’s falling in love with her. End scene.

Molly is next. Ty and Melissa really hit it off; can Molly establish the same connection? I feel like she should, because not only is she from my hometown, but she also works in Milwaukee and I’m here right now. So basically, she has to win. She arrives, and you can tell she is super nervous. She’s definitely going to blow it. Ty hates her when she arrives and doesn’t say hi or pay any attention to her. It’s awesome. And then, inevitably, he starts to like her. I think he was more in to the kite, but Molly was there so she got the love that was aimed at the kite. Sidenote: why is Ty wearing a royal blue longsleeve shirt under a navy polo? Not cute. In the end, Molly ends up being pretty cute with Ty, and things are good.

Next, it’s meet-the-family time. Molly is predictably a little more personable than Melissa, and she’s cute and engaging. His brothers are the first to question Molly, and it’s pretty cute and casual. Dad is impressed with Molly as well, and he remarks that she seems “grounded.” While Mom and Molly chat, his siblings sit down with him and they’re completely sold on Molly. They see that Molly is in love with him, and they love her too. Jason is overwhelmed, and sits down on the grass with Mom and cries about it. He’s a mess. PYT Jason, pull yourself together.

Okay, after date one, let’s be honest: neither of these chicks is the one.

Before the second date, Melissa talks to her hater parents. They agree to talk to Jason on the phone. Like that solves the problem of her parents sucking?

The two begin their last date together on a boat on a rainy day. The rain is rather fortuitous if Seattle is to be Melissa’s destiny…but is it? The two make the most of the dumpy day by swimming in the freezing cold water…soon followed by a steamy shower scene and cuddling. Like we didn’t know that was coming. Later that evening, Melissa and Jason share a romantic night by the fire. Melissa tells Jason that her parents want to talk to him, and then she tells him she loves him and blah blah blah. Jason says in response, “I’ve never felt this way either.” Well DUH. How many times have you been on the precipice of proposing to two chicks who are in love with you? Great response, Captain Diplomat. And where was the phone call with the parents??

On another rainy day, Molly and Jason spend their last day together. Molly takes control of the day, and brings Jason back to her place for a massage. Molly mounts up on Jason and massages him…back AND front…and I’m just saying that the frontal massage was pretty hot and heavy. She cooks him dinner next, because that’s what wives do. Molly opens up to Jason and starts crying as she tells him how in love with him she is. “It’s insane, so awesome.” Well put Molly, well put. Next, Molly gives Jason “A Fairytale Love Story,” a book she put together for him. He tells her, “You know I’m falling for you.” Um…how long do you think he rehearses his “I don’t love you yet” lines?? They’re brilliant.

The next morning, Jason makes the call to Melissa’s parents.

AND THEN…DeAnna is back!!!! Are we surprised?

Jason tells DeAnna that he’s choosing between the one who has it all, and the “wild card.” DeAnna says that she chose the wild card, and it didn’t work out. She makes her final plea in her oh-so-unemotional way: “You haven’t proposed yet; you still have the chance.” Jason totally disses her…and he FINALLY gets his revenge. And as she leaves, she tells him, in so many words, to choose Melissa.

FYI, I hope that you’re all following along during the commercial breaks to what is going to happen during the “After the Final Rose” episode. I’m absolutely loving it.

The melodramatic recap/montage pre-rose ceremony is awesome and dumb all at the same time. Tears, bad dresses, platitudes galore. It’s all so great…and so predictable. And it’s time…

The first poorly-clad finalist arrives: Molly. He’s so going to break up with her. You can just tell in his stupid eyes. As soon as he drops the word “amazing,” you know it’s over. Please…what a joke. And then…surprise!! He breaks up with her. I love her for retorting with a calm and steady, “I think you’ve made a mistake…a big one.” Awesome. Soon followed by, “I think you’re going to end up hurt again.” Ooh…I love her more now than I ever have! No drama, just truth. That one bit hard. Goodbye forever (???), Jason.

Molly drives away into Never Never Land, and Jason cries like a three-year-old. He SO knows he took the safe, boring route.

Melissa shows up next in a dumb dress. I’m sure she’s totally excited to get proposed to only to get broken up with. Who wouldn’t be? Then he proposes. After she screams like an idiot, he proposes. Barf. It’s so disingenuous. Best of luck with your break-up.

Sidenote: what if her parents are like Nazi-sympathizing anti-Seattle-ites? That would suck.

But wait…who cares? “After The Final Rose” comes on right after! Unless you’re dumb, you know what’s coming.

In front of…no audience…Jason comes right on stage to tell us that it’s over with Melissa and he’s still in love with Molly. It’s UN.BE.LIEV.ABLE!!!!! This show has mastered a formula for DISASTER. And this, folks, is why I remain committed to this work of art. It’s television GENIUS. Even before the trashy rag mag covers and press junkets, this relationship has already dissolved. It’s record timing this go around. Jason has proven he is a joke, and a big fat mess. I can’t wait for Jason and Molly to get engaged and then to break up!

But first, Melissa joins Jason on stage for the official break-up. I mean, this is a mess. Jason is a D-bag and I hate him. I don’t love Melissa, but please, this is a tragedy. Jason tells her how things are different, how the chemistry and changed, and how they’re not right for each other. She fights back perfectly, because you can totally tell that he has withdrawn and not discussed it with her. He then tells her that he has feelings for Molly. She says, “You don’t want to fight for Melissa. Because you’re having doubts over someone you already said goodbye to.” As he explains, she mutters, “You’re such a bastard.” Brilliant! She is PISSED. Work it, child. And in a way only ABC execs could script, she hands Jason the ring and there is a commercial break.

They say goodbye on national television with a, “Goodbye. Don’t call me. I don’t want to talk to you.” Great line, Melissa. But let’s face the truth: her parents are SO GLAD they didn’t meet him on TV. She leaves us with a dignified soliloquy in the limo.

Next, an unknowing Molly joins Jason on stage. Um…she looks like a lion with her disastrous hair. She’s still upset and hurt, but is completely dumbstruck when Jason tells her that he’s still in to her and that he’s done with Melissa. Utterly dumbstruck. I feel like she fell out of love with him as he sat there talking to her, and telling her he still wanted her. And then he hesitated when Chris asked him if he was still in love with her. Seriously?? D-bag central. But Molly totally takes Jason back, and they completely make out on stage five minutes after he ended his engagement. Best of luck with your life together, Molly and Jason. I give it until May. No...April.

Tonight’s awards:

1) Most horrific-slash-amazing Bachelor break-up ever: Tonight’s break-up on national television, Jason versus Melissa.
2) Most dramatic “After The Final Rose Ever”: Tonight’s. ABC finally got one of their “most dramatic” predictions correct!
3) Biggest waste of three hours: Tonight.
4) The stop searching for love award: Jason. Raise your kid and move on with your life.

Ewww…I feel sick. The fact that they kissed and she’s totally in to him again is vomit-inducing. I’m done.

For ABC, I have a proposal:

I’ve decided the next Bachelorette should be my prosti-slut neighbor, Laura (is that her name?). She sucks. She’s 22, her dad pays her rent, she speaks at a volume any blue-hair could hear from miles away, she wears brick shoes, she listens to the same four songs on repeat at high volume, and she dabbles in exotic dancing and prostitution. Did I mention she sucks? And that she’s an illegal subletter? And that she ruins my life every day? She sounds like a dream, right?!? ABC, please send her to LA for four months to meet the guy she’ll break up with! Please! My sleep depends on it.

Until next (please no!) season,

Mike

p.s. Thank Baby Jesus I no longer have to be the first gay Bachelor.

To Bone or Not To Bone?

It’s my favorite episode of the season: the Fantasy Date episode, in which the Bachelor whisks his three lovers away to a fabulous destination (New Zealand, in this case) so he can con them into boning him while they’re too awestruck by the scenery to really comprehend the gravity of the situation. Ahhh, the inevitable “To Bone or Not To Bone” episode! Nothing gets me going like seeing three chicks over three consecutive nights grapple with the pressing question of whether or not to sleep with their boyfriend with whom they’ve spent a grand total of ~15 hours “dating” over the past few weeks. It’s genius. And we begin…

The frontrunner, Jillian, is first. Riding high off the most successful “meet the parents” visit in Bachelor history, she’s sitting pretty. But Jason has questions. Thus, I will call this Fantasy Date, “Jillian: Is There Romance?” The vignette begins with a chopper ride around the peaks and valleys of New Zealand. They share an afternoon of beautiful views and good times, but Jason is searching for more. Yeah, he likes her a whole lot. But does he love her? Is there something beyond friendship brewing here? Yes, of course there is! And she convinces him (with her requisite trembly voice) of this over dinner at a winery. “I have never, in my entire life, felt like somebody is more meant for me than you are,” says Jillian. And Jason melts. His true love has expressed her emotions, and the romance is there! Jason says “it’s possible I’m falling in love with her.” And we know it’s true when the H.O.T. tub scene follows. Um…was it just me, or was this about as X-rated as The Bachelor as ever been? I’m talking pelvis-to-pelvis, leg-wrapping-around-bumping-and-grinding-and-moaning hot tub ACTION folks. It was H.O.T. with a capital H.O.T. I think we can safely assume they boned here.

The next day, feathers ruffled a bit from the night before, Jason meets the other top contender for his love, Molly. While she isn’t looking her cutest in an oversized brown sleeveless cable-knit cardigan, she is still her cute Midwestern self, and we love her. We’ll entitle this Fantasy Date, “Molly: Is there Depth?” Jason is longing for Molly to open up and dive into the relationship head first…and that is exactly what she does. They bungee jump, and dive head-first in to love. Awww. After the jumping extravaganza, they share a cup of coffee and Molly asks Jason a lengthy list of questions, which I thought was pretty cute. She delivered the questions in her typical quirky/smirky way, and it was cute. We now know that Jason prefers peanut butter chocolate ice cream (as do I). Thank goodness that was resolved. Later in the evening, they meet up for dinner. Molly is looking cute as can be in a dress and heels, and Jason wears a sweater and jeans. Um…you look underdressed and stupid, Jason. Pull it together. Jason probes Molly to see if she has any emotional depth, and she delivers! She admits to her guard being up, but she also admits to falling in love with him, and it actually looks believable. Sidenote: how classic that Jason pointed out that her family was distant and not emotional on the outside? Gotta love the Midwest! Then, in her Molly way, she shakes things up by asking Jason to spend the night with her, as opposed to waiting for the card from Chris. Amazing. They bone.

Lastly, Melissa the family-less wonder from Texas arrives to get third place. No one likes her, she isn’t as cute, and we’re just plain over it. I’ll entitle this Fantasy Date, “Melissa: Is there a Secret?” Seriously, Melissa, what was the deal with your ghost family? Why do they hate you? Why did you totally blow it on the hometown date? Why are you even here? Whatever. Jason meets her wearing a disastrous graphic polo-meets-tee-shirt two-for-one disaster, and it’s a mess. They share a beautiful boat ride on Winston Churchill’s old boat (what?) and he grills her about her family. I kind of tuned out at this point b/c I was more interested in the eye candy on my couch (and my dinner), but apparently she said the right things about her bizarre-o family, and she won him back. They share dinner, they share sex. They bone.

Wow…three-for-three on the To Bone or Not To Bone Challenge! Way to go Jason!

After the whirlwind week, Jason is left to contemplate his future. Luckily, he has three cheesy video messages from the girls to help him! Kidding. They’re dumb as always, and we’re over it. We’re simply left reaffirmed in our beliefs: Jillian and Molly are staying, and Melissa is going back to Texas to hang out with her “family” who hates her.

BUT WAIT.

Melissa not only arrives in a HEINOUS prom dress circa 1995, she gets a rose! Are you kidding me? She is hereby referred to as Devil in a Bad Dress. Shocker of the century (or, more like shocker of February 16, 2009, but whatever).

Jason gives roses to:
1) Melissa
2) Molly

And he sends Jillian back to the mythical land of Canada! Are we dying? I’m dying.

Sadly, Jillian jibber-jabbers as she leaves, but we love her all the same. Best of luck finding the man of your dreams in Canada, Jilly! We love you in America. She leaves the set, Jason cries knowing he made a mistake, and we all turn off the TV in disbelief.

Awards:
1) Most Canadian: Jillian
2) Worst dress: Melissa’s high school dance dress
3) Worst family: Melissa’s hateful family
4) Worst decision: keeping Melissa on.
5) Most from Grand Rapids: Molly

Until two weeks from now (I’m not blogging the Bitches Tell All episode, as I’ll be working on my tan South of the border!),

Mike

Homeward-bound

So we’ve got four chicks left, and four hometown dates between them and the trip of their lifetime—a jaunt to New Zealand with a short single dad. We’re homeward-bound this week, folks, and we know what that means: a whole lotta crazy is in store for us. Before I begin, let me refresh our collective memory on the remaining bimbos: Jillian, Molly, Melissa and Naomi. Two suck, two rock, who will be the last b*tch standing?

Our first trip home is to the mythical land of Canadia. Kelowna, British Columbia, in fact. Wait…who lives in Canada? Jillian does, duh. Sidenote: $50 to the first person to name the Canadian Prime Minister without Googling it. Anyways, back to business. Apparently Canada is pretty in the Fall. Jillian shows Jason the lake on which she spent her childhoods. She also opens up about her mom’s battle with depression. Jason is touched, they definitely like each other. They soon head to her house, where her family literally embraces Jason with the Canadian flag. Pretty funny. Her dad is a gem, her mom is cute, sister’s sexy…this hometown visit wins! There wasn’t a hint of awkwardness, and we’re excited that Jason just met his future ex-in-laws. Oh, and the grandma was cute too. But seriously, this has to go down in Bachelor history as one of the better hometown dates ever. We love Jillian, even though she says a-GAIN (again).

After the glorious visit to the north…he continues his trek above the Mason-Dixon line, and heads to Grand Rapids, Michigan (my hometown, in case any of you DARED forget) to visit Molly, the other frontrunner. It’s basically paradise. The prettiest place on earth, with a cute country club to boot! Get this: I spent every summer of my life setting records at the pool at the country club where they played golf. Just sayin’…

Molly and Jason reunite at the country club and play a round of golf. They then head to Molly’s parents’ house to meet the mom, the dad, and the sister and husband. The mom pulls out some funny tricks and embarrasses her daughter and Jason by making them wear hats. The dad is a mute who can’t carry a conversation with his daughter, but we’ll look beyond that. Jason is then forced to draw a picture of Molly, which wasn’t THAT bad, but was also quite heinous. Mom’s quirky antics aside, this hometown visit was fine and she’s still in the running. And Grand Rapids, the shining jewel of the Midwest, looked fantastic!

After two good hometown dates, we all know what’s coming: the bad one. Jason descends on California to meet Naomi and her family. Within the first hour at home, the mom initiates a hula hoop contest and a burial of a white dove she killed while driving. Yes, you read that correctly. Jason and family bury a dead bird in the backyard, and Jason is forced to eulogize the mangy thing. Gross, weird, disgusting. Also gross? The fact that this bird was kept in the refrigerator in a brown bag prior to the ceremonial burial. (I also love how the crazy mom comes with the requisite gray, streaky hair that all earth mothers have.) Jason is horrified. His horror continues when the distant dad starts evangelizing about Jesus. It’s awesome…total classic Bachelor fodder, and I’m loving it! Naomi talks to her dad next, and flat-out tells him that she doesn’t care if Jason isn’t a Jesus-seeker. It’s awkward and uncomfortable because we can clearly tell she has no relationship with her father at all. Combine the disastrous family with the fact that Naomi just plain sucks (and totally isn’t ready to settle and/or be a mom) and this dark-skinned beauty with an underbite is a goner.

Finally, Jason gets to meet Melissa’s family in Dallas (what Bachelor would be complete without a visit to Texas??). CUE THE RECORD-SCRATCH SOUNDBITE! Just kidding, Melissa’s family is too “private” to meet Melissa’s suitor in a televised event, so Jason is stuck having dinner with two of Melissa’s friends and their husbands and kids. Awesome. You know she had to cull through her Rolodex (even though no one has a Rolodex…it just sounded good) to find her married friends, as opposed to her single friends in order to convince Jason that’s she’s ready to marry. It’s amazing. It’s also completely uneventful. Jason spends some time with her two girlfriends, who admit they totally don’t know Melissa’s parents. Wait…does Melissa even have parents? I guess that remains to be seen. Rather bizarre all around, and we’re left to wonder: will Jason drop this mess and keep Naomi around, or is Melissa worth keeping on because she sucks less than Naomi?

To be honest, I thought Melissa seemed a bit more “real” in this episode, and I like her a little more. Clearly not as much as Jillian or Molly, but whatever.

Back in Seattle, Chris and Jason catch up in order to stretch the show to a full two hours. Ugh…

Jason expresses his concern for…well…ALL of the girls. Are they ready? Can they really envision a life with a single dad? Can they live with him in his house in Seattle which is SO OBVIOUSLY not the house on the water that ABC rented for him so it looks like he’s loaded? Clearly Jason is a “fixer” and he goes for the young, helpless chicks. Disaster.

At the Rose Ceremony (a.k.a. the Return of the Heinous Striped Shirt/Tie Combo), we’re treated to more bad fashion and one broken heart.

He chooses:
1) Molly
2) Jillian
3) Melissa

No surprises that Naomi is sent packing. Best of luck in Crazytown.

Awards:
1) Best hometown: Grand Rapids, MI
2) Loony Tunes family: Naomi’s
3) Worst shoes at rose ceremony: Naomi’s gold gladiator deals that tied up her chubby legs.
4) Worst fashion consultant: The stylist dressing Jason. The loud striped shirt is NEVER cute. Thanks. Keep that in 2002 where it belongs.

Until next week,

Mike

Groundhog's Day--Have we been here before?

Another Groundhog’s Day, another episode of The Bachelor…I can’t help but think: have we been here before? The answer is yes. Just as the furry rodent appears in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania year after year to somehow predict our weather, our gaggle or girls fiending over some dude with far too many gratuitous shirtless scenes reappears on ABC week after week, year after year…and so do I. (Oops, sorry about my short hiatus over the past couple weeks. We’ll just say I got “tied up.”)

Apparently missing two episodes is an amazing strategy, because we’re already down to five divas vying for this single dad’s love: Melissa, Jillian, Stephanie, Naomi and Molly. Before I even begin, let me just predict that it’s going to come down to the two cutest and most normal chicks in the running: Jillian and Molly. Duh. Jillian brings the Canadian heat, and I love her. And Molly…well…I simply HAVE to love her because she’s from my hometown and her mom may or may not have worked at my father’s place of employment for years. Not to mention, she’s cute and fun and spunky in the Grand Rapids, MI sort of way.

This episode, the girls are transported to the mythical land of Seattle, where they are forced to face the truth: can you handle 11.5 months of rain each year, or are you too weak? Do you really want to marry a short guy with an annoying son, or are you gonna bail when things get tough? Interesting question, Mike. And one that is quickly answered on the first one-on-one date with Melissa.

This date promises to be magical. Melissa gets all dressed up in a “pretty” dress for a night on the town with Jason. What could be better than the space needle on a cloudy and rainy night? Why, it’s obvious isn’t it? A night at home with Jason because his kid is too needy to let Daddy take Melissa on the previously-mentioned date! As Jason prepares for his big night out, little Ty gets whiny and the spineless father obliges his child’s needs by staying in. He gives Mel a ring, and she is forced to abandon all hopes for romance, and, instead, heads to Jason’s house on the water for a night in. She arrives in her dress and cleans the house (as every woman should) while Jason puts the little one to bed. There’s nothing like fulfilling gender roles, my friends. And doing it in a dress? Even better.

Cut to the hotel room with the other b*tches. They sit around, super annoyed, that Melissa has this chance to meet Ty. Too bad Jason isn’t ready to introduce anyone to the little bugger, so their fears are not realized. But he does allow Melissa to sneak a peak at the sleeping beauty.

After they spy on the sleeping child, Jason and Melissa talk and make out. Melissa is annoying, and they have no future. Done. No, but really, I mean, it’s not there. Girlfriend doesn’t know what she’s getting into, and although she played it off like she was fine lounging around, girlfriend wanted to go out and take her top off on the dance floor. Instead, she was relegated to a night in a floating house playing kissy on the couch.

The second date found Stephanie, Jillian and Molly on a boat with a view of the city. Stephanie is the first to get a little Jason time, and she steers the boat while they talk, once again, about their kids. They have ZERO chemistry, folks. Jason feels like he has to like her because she’s nice and has a daughter and a sad story, but let’s get real. It’s like they’re friends in a singles soccer mom/dad support group, not lovers. And does he really want to spend the rest of his life with those cheek bones? No.

After the boat ride, they go to a radio show, where Jason is interviewed about his experience. He confesses that the best kisser is Molly, and is then forced to have a kissing contest. He is blindfolded with a pink boa, and each of the girls kisses him, one by one. Jason scores a perfect 100% because he’s slutty like that. Sidenote: who barfed when Stephanie kissed both his hands before laying one on him? I did. And who barfed even more when she described her bedroom behavior and how she likes to kiss every square inch of a man’s body and “love on him”? Vomit.

After this, Jason chats with Jillian and tries to get answers to see if she’s ready for this. “Yes,” she says, in her cute Canadian inflection.

The last date finally finds Naomi on her first one-on-one date with Jason. They fly in a sea plane and go rock climbing. On the top of the man-made cliff they have what Jason calls an “extreme kiss.” Dumb. Another zinger of a quote soon follows when Naomi confesses that she “climbed a wall and her walls came down” while she talks about opening up to Jason. Double dumb. After the climb, they share some fondue and share an un-romantic night. Her face is busted and I’m over her.

Meanwhile, back at the manse, the girls are in the hotel bathroom together (??) taking a bath in their bathing suits (????) and talking about they guy they’re all dating because that’s a totally normal thing to do.

Before the “Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever” (Groundhog’s Day, anyone??), Jason once again pulls Jillian aside to make sure she’s not going to break his heart. Clearly he likes her (with her “oooouuuwt” and “abooouuuwts” and all).

At the actual rose ceremony, Jason also pulls Naomi aside before he hands out the roses, just to heighten the tension a bit. She insists she’s ready (she’s not) and it’s fake and annoying. She also resembles an egg timer in her disastrous outfit, but we’ll address that later…

So Jason chooses:
1) Jillian
2) Melissa
3) Molly
4) Naomi

And, in no big surprise, he sends Stephanie home after telling her she’s the “most amazing person he’s ever met.” Like we didn’t see that coming 82 miles away.
Wait, who caught the awkward almost-man-hug between Chris and Jason after his tearful speech to Stephanie? It was brilliant and mute-worthy.

Awards:
1) Dress disaster: Stephanie’s tablecloth turned ball gown.
2) Overall trainwreck of a look: Naomi’s outfit/tattoo at the rose ceremony. She paired a heinous top with her stewardess skirt and called it a day…but not without exposing her shoulder tat to the world. Awesome. Oh, and fix your underbite.
3) Quote: “Some things are just meant to be.”—Stephanie. Sorry sweetheart. Your cheek bones and taut face are simply not meant to be. You paid for that mess.

Until next week,

Mike

Top off dance off

Seriously? Two hours? 120 excruciating minutes of this mess? Please tell me we’re scaling back to 60 minutes of this nonsense going forward. Otherwise this famous blogger may be checking out quicker than Jason’s shirt comes off on each and every date.

Last night’s episode begins with Jason bidding his kid adieu. He roped us in to believing he was actually a good father during the first episode…or did he just convince me that little Ty was there for the duration? Regardless, Ty is shipped back home to his bad mother so Jason can concentrate on taking his shirt off and making out with upwards of two to five women daily until the show ends. It’s all about priorities, people.

Speaking of priorities, Jason clearly devoted a lot of attention to doubling the size of his biceps since DeAnna dumped him. ABC saw his biceps, and now films him as though he’s an Adonis. Let us not forget, this guy is probably 5’6’’. But we still get to sit through a full two minutes of air time as he strips off his shirt at the pool with the girls. The scene was even underscored with sexy music. All too much.

After an afternoon of poolside foreplay, Jason has his first date: a one-on-one encounter with Jillian the Canadian at the Disney Center in LA. Robin Thicke, the spawn of the Growing Pains dad, serenades the lovers. They dance, it’s cute, whatever. She gets a rose. She also has a killer accent (“sauerkraut,” “out,” “about,” it’s all amazing).

The second one-on-one date is between Melissa and Jason. I tuned out. She gets a rose.

The last date is a repeat of every other date on every other season where the girls fulfill stereotypical girl-like roles and get to fawn over fashion. They get new outfits that inevitably come off as they all get in a hot tub later in the evening. What an amazing date idea! Totally original. Molly, from Grand Rapids, MI (hometown love, what, what?!?!) gets the rose on this date, because she’s from Grand Rapids and everyone from there is amazing. Raquel, the Brazilian temptress proves she’s crazy, and the date is done.

Before the final roses are handed out, though, we need some drama. Megan and Erica deliver. Megan, busty and brunette, overhears Erica talking smack behind her back. Erica, who should lay off the booze and hit the gym, denies her sh*t-talking tendencies. It really was a special TV moment.

Stephanie, the 34-year-old plastic baby mama lays on the real drama, though, when she tells us about the passing of her husband. It was sad, actually…so I won’t be mean. Except I just can’t get over her over-worked face. No need for so much Botox by age 34.

After Chris wastes 15 minutes of time discussing the pros and cons of each remaining woman, we finally have the rose ceremony. The following are left standing:

Jillian
Melissa
Molly
Megan
Nikki
Lauren
Naomi
Stephanie
Kari
Natalie
Shannon
Erica

Adios to: Lisa, Raquel, Sharon. Let’s be honest, no one is going to propose to a Brazilian chick. Who needs Green Card drama these days? Let’s keep the love local.

Awards:

Worst show ever: this one.

Until next week (just kidding, I’ll be in the air while it airs and I don’t believe in DVR),

Mike

Lucky Number 13?

Lovers, Friends, Foes,

It's the 13th season of this holy mess, and I'm just SURE that it will be a success! I'm also sure that hell will freeze over, pigs will fly, and I will someday be happily married to a woman.

A disclaimer to begin: in case you have forgotten, I am famous. Fame leads to many distractions. My schedule is packed, I am constantly pulled in 82 directions, and I cannot always fully commit to two full hours of horrible, vomit-inducing television...especially when it's the 13th go-around of the same trainwreck we've come to know and "love." So forgive me for not being as avid a note-taker during this episode. I was otherwise engaged and my attention was being vied for by a ridiculously good-looking man, and a woman with a great rack. What was a boy to do? Ignore them for silly TV? The answer is, quite simply, duh. Let's get this effing mess started.

The show begins with the much-expected montage of poor Jason's life to date. He loved, he lost, he loved again, he lost again, he has a kid who got conspicuously less cute in six months, and he goes to the gym shirtless with cameras following him. That's pretty much his bio in one poorly-written sentence. Oh, that and he's a raging gooby loser who makes me turn from the television in horror multiple times an episode. Before I continue, how tall do we really think Jason is? 5'6''? He's pint-sized and over-tanned. Still boneable, yes, but mini all the same.

Then, the bitches descend upon our newly-ready-to-love Jason and the fun begins. Requisite crazies arrive pontificating on hot dogs and their relation to husband material, vision boards and MySpace stalking, but would we expect any less? No...these ABC producers have this formula down to a science, and it reels us in season after season times 13.

Naturally, there is a new "twist" this season. The hoes get to vote on a fellow ho to send home by submitting their votes in a secret ballot box. The BBI (Ballot Box Initiative) was a raging success. Megan was voted "off" by her counterparts, but got a rose anyway for her troubles! The two runners-up were also notified of their status, which is brilliant. It's like an animosity-intensifier, and I love it! Much-hated Megan gets to live with the bitches that voted her off, and the ill will will fester throughout the season. Kudos ABC, kudos.

We get to know the girls a bit as they throw themselves at Jason. My least favorite, Renee, basically gives a stump speech for "The Secret" as she explains the energy in the universe and her vision boards on which she envisions her life with Jason. Barf. She also can't seem to stand up straight. Get some confidence woman. There are single moms as well, which was a big fat yawn and so expected.

At the end, there were 15 lovely ladies still standing.
Lauren
Kari
Naomi
Natalie - Sorry about your bad dye job.
Molly
Jillian
Stephanie - Is she 50? How much work has she had done? Brilliant.
Melissa
Shannon
Nikki - a.k.a. Tits McGee
Lisa
Sharon - Next time you might want to do your hair for national television.
Erica
Megan
Raquel

Clearly, Obamamania did not make it to the Bachelor. Where's the black one? And why are there so few blondes?

Tonight's awards:
1) Visionary Award: Renee. Best of luck with your vision boards. Try to envision a life with good posture and a little less crazy.
2) Reality Award: Jason. Because everyone in Seattle works out at the gym shirtless.
3) Over it Award: Me. This show is dumb.

Until next week,

Mike