Nicki is the big winner for the first one-on-one date, and the lovers spend the day on a helicopter (surprise!) and frolicking in the rain. Sorry about your silk dress, Nicki. After the rain ruins their outfits, Ben and Nicki shop for "ethnic" garb, which leaves Ben dressed like a member of the Latino Rat Pack and Nicki looking like a colorful trash bag. They "stumble upon" a wedding at which the bride takes roughly thirty minutes to ascend the stairs, and Ben and Nicki don't make fun of it. It was at this point that I decided they were boring and lacking in fun. Later, at dinner, Nicki forcibly opens up about her divorce and Ben gives her a rose. The end. It was boring. Also, Nicki had a bruise on her arm. That is all.
The next date is a very American affair with some girl-on-girl action involving America's pastime. The nine girls split into two baseball teams, and the winning team gets to spend a nice evening on the beach with the big prize, Ben! Lyndzi is the lucky MVP who gets to play on both teams (ha ha), so she's a winner no matter what. In the end--after three very exciting fake innings--the Red team (Courtney, Kacie, Casey, Jamie, and Lyndzi) beat the Blue team (Blakeley, Emily, Jennifer, Rachel, and Lyndzi). Blakeley was incredibly athletic (with her tummy tee, natch) and Courtney made a very astute comment: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" Let's be honest, we all hate Courtney, but we were all thinking it. One point to Courtney, although it's immediately retracted due to her oddly immobile upper lip. Later, Dad consoles the losers, Blakeley cries, and the Red team flies away in a helicopter while the dejected losers drive home in a cold, dank bus in tears. It's helicopter number two this episode, people. Try to act surprised. Later, on the beach, Ben gives a rose to cute Kacie and is quickly lured away by Courtney the Conniver who awkwardly throws herself on Ben while Ben is less than interested. Luckily we have time for some blurred out side boob as they embrace and make out. She plants the "let's go skinny dipping" seed, and the date soon ends.
The last date goes to Elyse, who's been waiting patiently for her one-on-one all season. Unfortunately this Chicago-bred personal trainer blows it pretty quickly. They are whisked away on a ridiculous yacht for some uncomfortable conversation which is luckily interrupted by the need to jump off the boat to swim instead of talk. But first, Elyse impresses Ben by telling him that she's already accomplished everything she's wanted to accomplish in life. Um...yeah...awesome way to impress a free spirit. "Um, hi. I'm basically done living and all I want to do is marry you and pop out babies because it's socially acceptable." After Ben realizes she's less than interesting, he says "I think we should jump off the boat." Nothing like literally jumping ship to change the subject. Later, at dinner, Ben and Elyse share an awkward dinner where the only thing we can notice is how miserable Ben is. Before long, Ben tells Elyse that there isn't much of a connection, and she's forced to straddle a zodiac rescue boat in a formal dress in order to get booted from the show and drive off into the mist.
After the date, an emotionally exhausted Ben is greeted at his hotel room by a wine-toting Courtney who is there to offer him a "nightcap." Don't worry, she says "nightcap" four more times before she lets herself into the hotel room, opens up the robe she's wearing (a robe!) to reveal more cleave, and then convinces Ben to skinny dip. His response? "Why the hell not?" Exactly the words any needy girl wants to hear. My favorite part of the whole montage? The blatant cameras and flood lights focused on Ben and Courtney's approach to (and eventual) their nude ocean boning scene. It was 100% awkward, and it was also Courtney's biggest dream in life realized. Another great moment of this night was Courtney's convincing Ben to skinny dip by saying "We're only in Puerto Rico once." Oh really? What about the time you were there two months ago you so rudely reminded us of last week after you got a rose?
The cocktail party is rather uneventful except for Emily apologizing to Ben for bringing up the fact that Courtney sucks last week and promising never to focus on her again...only to dive back in to an anti-Courtney diatribe for five minutes. Hmmm...you'd think a PhD student would be more intelligent.
Roses go to:
1) Nicki
2) Kacie
3) Lyndzi
4) Jamie
5) Rachel
6) Courtney
7) Casey
8) Blakeley
9) Emily
Bye: Elyse and Jennifer. Yes, Jennifer was a surprise.
Awards:
1) Quote: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" - Courtney, on Blakeley.
2) Best Side Boob: Courtney's blurred-out boob on the beach
3) Over it: Ben. Does he really like anyone?
4) Frontrunner: See #3. But I guess I'd say Kacie and Lyndzi with the runner-up going to Courtney because she's easy.
Until next week,
Mike
No comments:
Post a Comment