I have a feeling we've been here before

Friends, foes, followers and fans,

Here we are again. A new year. A new resolution. A new show. Except the "new" show is being repeated for the 16th time and we just keep coming back for more. Gluttons for punishment we are, and it's just time to admit it: we love this train wreck of a show and we'll never let this love affair die, even though the love found on this show dies 99% of the time. But let's be optimistic this year. At least for tonight. We are the 1% (who still watch this show). If we're not optimistic about love, let's at least be optimistic that these chicks will bring drama and tears for days, because that's all we really care about. Let's also be optimistic that the next bachelorette (season to start May 2012) is one of these 25 young ladies vying for Ben's love but really vying for a chance at stardom all her own.

The episode begins with teasers into nine of the bachelorettes' lives. I love this because ABC fools you into believing these girls will all be contenders. Why else would they waste all this time flying to their hometowns and profiling their lives if they're going to be kicked off early? To fool us, that's why. And, as always, there are a couple of unlucky ones (Amber and Lyndsie [not to be confused with the other ridiculously-spelled Lindzi]...sorry). Of course the other seven will probably be the last seven standing because ABC can't fool us too hard. We're on to you. And it only took 82 seasons.

Before we meet the 25 chicks, let's first catch up with Ben. Oh hi, Ben. You're still cute and still into wine? Great. Also still rocking cute style and a bad haircut? Yup. Ugh...seriously? You couldn't have cleaned up that mop even a little bit?

Back to the girls. I won't profile all 25 because we've seen them all before. But some fun ones stick out. The first lady out of the limo is Rachel. Cute, and totally on trend with bangs. Unfortunately her busted teeth are not so much in season. Sorry. We also have Canadian Bacon...I mean...Amber. There's a Kentucky-bred pageant queen named Samantha, and a VIP cocktail waitress named Blakeley. Don't worry, she's totally on the show for love. I swear. A grandma also gets out of the limo, but only to introduce her cute granddaughter, Brittney (to emphasize her love of family, duh). Jennifer from Oklahoma gets out and tells Ben she tried on 54 dresses before choosing the dazzler of the night (a sparkly navy stunner two sizes too big). Um...methinks you should have tried 55, sweetie. (Props to LC for that comment, and my whole Bachelor-watching crew in ATX who makes my life infinitely better with nonstop banter and ever-flowing wine.) My favorite entrance of the night, though, goes to Anna, a.k.a. Ms. Detroit, who literally walks right past Ben without saying hi. I about died. But then I realized, it's probably how she deals with strangers. Girl can't ever be too safe in the D-town. I also loved Lindzi's entrance on horseback.

Other tidbits I loved tonight:
-The lesbian encounter between Monica and Blakeley on the couch.
-The fight that ensued between Monica (lesbian McGee) and Jenna over literally nothing (as in, eight of us couldn't figure out why Jenna was mad at Monica, and it was awesome). It left Jenna in near hysterics and Monica talking about cutting her.
-Jenna and Monica both being blackout wasted to the point of slurring their incoherent thoughts in hopes of reconciling their invented problems.
-Dianna's homemade dress that made her look like an artisan sausage in white.
-Courtney being profiled as this season's Villain with the role of Back-up Villain played by Monica.

In the end, the First Impression Rose went to Lindzi, the horse lover. She seems nice, but there might be some crazy underneath.

Roses went to:
1) Lindzi
2) Jamie
3) Rachel
4) Blakeley (For ratings, duh. This show needs straight men to watch it.)
5) Emily
6) Kacie
7) Casey
8) Brittney
9) Erika
10) Shawn
11) Nicki
12) Jennifer
13) Elyse
14) Samantha
15) Courtney
16) Jaclyn
17) Monica
18) Jenna

Tonight's awards:
1) Drunky McDrunkerson: Jenna. You had so much potential until the tears started. And your general annoyingness.
2) Worst dress: Casey from KS and Jennifer from OK
3) Hot Mess Express: Jenna
4) Weirdest "Job": VIP Cocktail Waitress (Blakeley from Charlotte, NC). I'm thinking this means she serves drinks at NASCAR races.
5) Villain: Courtney and Monica
6) Front-runner(s): Kacie and Lindzi. Big hopes for Kacie from TN.

Until next week!
Mike