After three years in this delightful city, I am hereby proposing a theory. After numerous tests of my hypothesis, it has been scientifically proven: the NYPD and NYFD allocate their hot officers to make house calls, and the also-rans do the dirty work (like saving lives, fighting fires, and other sundry duties). How great is the word "sundry," by the way?
The most recent instance occurred this morning at my place of employment. After a new co-worker involuntarily set off the security alarm, two cops strutted in to make sure all was well in our comfy loft above West Broadway. The cops? Hot. Especially the dark-haired one to whom I gave a "tour" of our office.
In addition to witnessing house calls by firemen in their full garb twice now, my theory has been proven. Any of you who concur, feel free to add your own experiences.
God I love this city.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
All I'm sayin'...
...is The Bachelor: Paris begins on January 9, 2006. You best know I'm going to try my hardest to blog the sh*t out of it. But it all depends on the cast. Pray to Baby Jesus that it's good, so I can keep you (and myself) entertained by writing a weekly update.
Hope your Chrismakahkwanzaa's are good.
Stay tuned...you'll have a little belated holiday treat in your inbox on the morning of January 10, 2006.
Until then, does anyone know of a good worker's comp lawyer? I got a paper cut today at work, and I'm looking to sue someone.
Lovingly,
Mike
Hope your Chrismakahkwanzaa's are good.
Stay tuned...you'll have a little belated holiday treat in your inbox on the morning of January 10, 2006.
Until then, does anyone know of a good worker's comp lawyer? I got a paper cut today at work, and I'm looking to sue someone.
Lovingly,
Mike
Sunday, November 13, 2005
i wasn't kidding...
...when i said i got random, disastrous messages from people who happen to be located in the eastern hemisphere. please see below, but be forewarned that it is EXTREMELY upsetting. please note his superb writing/grammar skills. and also the fact that i might have to report him to the chinese government. reading this makes me feel dirty.
----
hi Mike love
Message:
hi i am a gay guy from China. buttom gay.you know?when i watching your pic i am fall in love with you i really love you please!15yrs old. Now I am looking for a good,successful man to give me real love. care me and look after me.otherwise i need a his kind-hearted for me to pay of my education in US because the education in China is very bad. i can't stand it.!i am lonely that i need a man to love me. i can have sex with you as well.cau you help me and love me?if you want please send a message to my (random email address deleted here) or (deleted again) and icq is (deleted). can you dear? i beg you !i really want to be with you!you attract me so much.i really want you need you love you madly and deeply!
----
hi Mike love
Message:
hi i am a gay guy from China. buttom gay.you know?when i watching your pic i am fall in love with you i really love you please!15yrs old. Now I am looking for a good,successful man to give me real love. care me and look after me.otherwise i need a his kind-hearted for me to pay of my education in US because the education in China is very bad. i can't stand it.!i am lonely that i need a man to love me. i can have sex with you as well.cau you help me and love me?if you want please send a message to my (random email address deleted here) or (deleted again) and icq is (deleted). can you dear? i beg you !i really want to be with you!you attract me so much.i really want you need you love you madly and deeply!
Monday, November 07, 2005
Anti-Weirdo Device Needed
As a follow-up to to the previous post, the copious random Friendster messages from horny chicks have more or less ended. In the "Who I want to meet" section (which should read "Whom I want to meet," thankyouverymuch), I referenced my preference for the man-types.
The messages have, however, been replaced by random friend requests from the denizens of many Asian/South Pacific countries. The most popular, as of now, are the Philippines, India, China and Taiwan.
No, I don't want to be in your "network." And no, I don't want to be your friend. I always hated penpals as a youngster, and that's pretty much what a random Friendster from Manila will amount to.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
The messages have, however, been replaced by random friend requests from the denizens of many Asian/South Pacific countries. The most popular, as of now, are the Philippines, India, China and Taiwan.
No, I don't want to be in your "network." And no, I don't want to be your friend. I always hated penpals as a youngster, and that's pretty much what a random Friendster from Manila will amount to.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
E-politics...
So my profile on Friendster says I'm looking for "friends." This is clearly a problem. For the first time since mid-college, girls are taking interest in me--okay, so certain girls quit trying in high school when I received the superlative, "Broadway Bound," but many females thought I was on their market for quite some time. Take Friendster, for instance. Chicks on that site dig me since my status has gone from "In a Relationship" to "Single." Amazing.
Case in point: today I received a message from, oh, we'll call her Jocelyn. She messaged me and wrote, "You're adorable." Admittedly, I love a good compliment, but come on. Jocelyn is originally from Southhampton. Under affiliations, she lists Young Republicans Club.
Simply unacceptable. Does she know I'm partial to men? Does she know that her people hate me?
Oh the politics of Friendster. What is a man to do? Does one suck it up and put "Relationship Men," "Dating Men" on his profile in fear of the inevitable barrage from e-stalkers? Does one hope that those savvy Friendster users will be able to de-code "Friends" as meaning, "Okay, I'm gay, but I just don't want to be on the e-market too much. And I wouldn't mind making out with you if you're hot, smart, funny, and basically perfect. But you have to be a man."? Maybe I'll contact my Friendster peeps and persuade them to put the previous sentences as a new category.
Comments? Advice? Do I write Jocelyn and the other chicks back describing the fact that their efforts will be fruitless?
Case in point: today I received a message from, oh, we'll call her Jocelyn. She messaged me and wrote, "You're adorable." Admittedly, I love a good compliment, but come on. Jocelyn is originally from Southhampton. Under affiliations, she lists Young Republicans Club.
Simply unacceptable. Does she know I'm partial to men? Does she know that her people hate me?
Oh the politics of Friendster. What is a man to do? Does one suck it up and put "Relationship Men," "Dating Men" on his profile in fear of the inevitable barrage from e-stalkers? Does one hope that those savvy Friendster users will be able to de-code "Friends" as meaning, "Okay, I'm gay, but I just don't want to be on the e-market too much. And I wouldn't mind making out with you if you're hot, smart, funny, and basically perfect. But you have to be a man."? Maybe I'll contact my Friendster peeps and persuade them to put the previous sentences as a new category.
Comments? Advice? Do I write Jocelyn and the other chicks back describing the fact that their efforts will be fruitless?
Friday, October 14, 2005
Oops
Um...so...yeah...
So much for the chronicles of my life as a bachelor in the city. It's been sixth months since my last post, so I'll quickly summarize some important milestones that took place: 1) I lived in Berkeley in June; 2) I got strep throat when I returned; 3) I got a job; 4) Ninety-eight natural disasters occurred; 5) I became an uncle; and 6) Katie Holmes got knocked up by her completely normal and sane boytoy, Tom Cruise.
That's pretty much it. I think those were the defining moments of the past six months, right? Oh, I was a non-bachelor for a while too. But now I'm a bachelor again. Thus, I return to you.
But let's be honest. I probably won't write for another six months.
If, however, you want me to write...give me ideas. What material can fuel my witty banter? Are there things I should be bitching about that you'd like to read? Is there another season of The Bachelor coming up?
digame pronto
So much for the chronicles of my life as a bachelor in the city. It's been sixth months since my last post, so I'll quickly summarize some important milestones that took place: 1) I lived in Berkeley in June; 2) I got strep throat when I returned; 3) I got a job; 4) Ninety-eight natural disasters occurred; 5) I became an uncle; and 6) Katie Holmes got knocked up by her completely normal and sane boytoy, Tom Cruise.
That's pretty much it. I think those were the defining moments of the past six months, right? Oh, I was a non-bachelor for a while too. But now I'm a bachelor again. Thus, I return to you.
But let's be honest. I probably won't write for another six months.
If, however, you want me to write...give me ideas. What material can fuel my witty banter? Are there things I should be bitching about that you'd like to read? Is there another season of The Bachelor coming up?
digame pronto
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
The new "Bachelor Update"
Since my last post, my life has changed. "How?" you ask? 1) I no longer have a job (this is a good thing, I promise). 2) My hair has grown. 3) This blog is no longer devoted to chronicling the trials of ABC's latest bachelor or bachelorette.
Welcome to the new and improved "Bachelor Update." The bachelor is no longer Big Gay Bob, a soulless Jen, or a hot, but too short, Andrew Firestone. It is me, a real-life bachelor living through his mid-twenties in an urban playground.
Last week I resigned from my job. On my first day of freedom I locked myself out of my apartment in a bit of a hungover haze. Unfazed, I headed to the gym and sweat off the previous night's liquor much to the dismay of the elderly gent next to whom I was ellipticaling. When I returned home I was still unable to enter mi casa. Still un-annoyed (for those of you who know me well, I would usually have been damn annoyed by this point--but seeing as I had no obligation to speak of, I was calm and cool), I tried to break in via the fire escape. After scaling down a rusty ladder and cutting both my knees and a finger, my debut at breaking and entering was unsuccessful. So I decided to wait for my roommate on the stairs.
While sitting on the stairs, a neighbor I had never met came out with concern (she had seen my twice within the hour sitting on the steps, bored and sweaty from the gym). Although I refused her offer of chilling in her apartment, I did put my recently-purchased milk in her fridge. I then asked her about her roommate who I hadn't seen lately. She said, with obligatory smile, "Oh. That was my ex-husband." Sheepishly I said, "Um...I'm sorry. That was rude." She shrugged it off, but clearly I had scraped at a recently hardened scab of emotion. Funny, right? Well, the backstory is even better.
Back in August when I moved in, I soon realized I had a creepy neighbor. I caught him peeping in the windows across the air shaft, and his many glances soon warranted closed curtains. I deemed him the sketchy gay neighbor.
And now we know why the divorce occurred.
Anyway, I've realized I'm all about not working. If there is anyone out there who feels the need to pay me to watch the "Ellen DeGeneres Show," "Homes Across America," and other quality shows, feel free to drop me a line (or simply wire me money).
Until the next update, I'll be reading, sunning myself, and watching movies.
Welcome to the new and improved "Bachelor Update." The bachelor is no longer Big Gay Bob, a soulless Jen, or a hot, but too short, Andrew Firestone. It is me, a real-life bachelor living through his mid-twenties in an urban playground.
Last week I resigned from my job. On my first day of freedom I locked myself out of my apartment in a bit of a hungover haze. Unfazed, I headed to the gym and sweat off the previous night's liquor much to the dismay of the elderly gent next to whom I was ellipticaling. When I returned home I was still unable to enter mi casa. Still un-annoyed (for those of you who know me well, I would usually have been damn annoyed by this point--but seeing as I had no obligation to speak of, I was calm and cool), I tried to break in via the fire escape. After scaling down a rusty ladder and cutting both my knees and a finger, my debut at breaking and entering was unsuccessful. So I decided to wait for my roommate on the stairs.
While sitting on the stairs, a neighbor I had never met came out with concern (she had seen my twice within the hour sitting on the steps, bored and sweaty from the gym). Although I refused her offer of chilling in her apartment, I did put my recently-purchased milk in her fridge. I then asked her about her roommate who I hadn't seen lately. She said, with obligatory smile, "Oh. That was my ex-husband." Sheepishly I said, "Um...I'm sorry. That was rude." She shrugged it off, but clearly I had scraped at a recently hardened scab of emotion. Funny, right? Well, the backstory is even better.
Back in August when I moved in, I soon realized I had a creepy neighbor. I caught him peeping in the windows across the air shaft, and his many glances soon warranted closed curtains. I deemed him the sketchy gay neighbor.
And now we know why the divorce occurred.
Anyway, I've realized I'm all about not working. If there is anyone out there who feels the need to pay me to watch the "Ellen DeGeneres Show," "Homes Across America," and other quality shows, feel free to drop me a line (or simply wire me money).
Until the next update, I'll be reading, sunning myself, and watching movies.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
New Season, Same Sh*t
I can't. I just really can't anymore.
Jerry O'Connell's B-list brother (what's his name?) is too awkward and the girls blow goats. It's just that simple.
Jerry O'Connell's B-list brother (what's his name?) is too awkward and the girls blow goats. It's just that simple.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
More Juicy Deets on Jerry's loser/poser status
Read the deets below from a fellow e-stalker.
Hey, Someone posted this inside scoop on the web: I know Jason Cerebone who is one of many producers on the show. What he FINALLY dished after last night was over. He said Jen was obviously infatuated with Jerry and wanted to give them a chance, although she immediately said it was going to be a "big leap of faith". They were scheduled for 3 rendevous dates/meetings during the 6 week production hiatus. After the first one, things seemed to be going well, although it was basically a release of physical tension/attractions. During the second rendevous in early December, they began to actually "talk" about who they really are, what their goals are etc. Jen flat out questioned Jerry's motives after seeing some of the production dailies and hearing the gossip about his past. Truth be told, he flat out told her his primary motives in moving to LA was to in fact develop a acting career, although that had no bearing on his decision and motives to do the bachelorette. Jen could not let that go. She was convinced that he used the show to his advantage and coupled with the fact that Jerry's gallery job was nothing more than working at the front desk and on overseeing the display crew (the ones who hang the art on the walls for shows) - she thought he was a phony. Many insiders felt it was more an issue of the fact that he has never really held a real job and is not a career or money focused. They mutually agreed to not bad mouth one another for the sake of their potential career goals. This took place in mid-January. This also explains Jen getting slightly frustrated with Jerry's acting surprised. Another thing that Jason said was that all 6 producers knew the outcome as did Chris Harrison and this was ironically the most difficult finale to keep under wraps due to the fact that Jen started behaving like a single girl in Chicago as early as Decemeber. And also was more visible than past bachelorettes to media questions.
Hey, Someone posted this inside scoop on the web: I know Jason Cerebone who is one of many producers on the show. What he FINALLY dished after last night was over. He said Jen was obviously infatuated with Jerry and wanted to give them a chance, although she immediately said it was going to be a "big leap of faith". They were scheduled for 3 rendevous dates/meetings during the 6 week production hiatus. After the first one, things seemed to be going well, although it was basically a release of physical tension/attractions. During the second rendevous in early December, they began to actually "talk" about who they really are, what their goals are etc. Jen flat out questioned Jerry's motives after seeing some of the production dailies and hearing the gossip about his past. Truth be told, he flat out told her his primary motives in moving to LA was to in fact develop a acting career, although that had no bearing on his decision and motives to do the bachelorette. Jen could not let that go. She was convinced that he used the show to his advantage and coupled with the fact that Jerry's gallery job was nothing more than working at the front desk and on overseeing the display crew (the ones who hang the art on the walls for shows) - she thought he was a phony. Many insiders felt it was more an issue of the fact that he has never really held a real job and is not a career or money focused. They mutually agreed to not bad mouth one another for the sake of their potential career goals. This took place in mid-January. This also explains Jen getting slightly frustrated with Jerry's acting surprised. Another thing that Jason said was that all 6 producers knew the outcome as did Chris Harrison and this was ironically the most difficult finale to keep under wraps due to the fact that Jen started behaving like a single girl in Chicago as early as Decemeber. And also was more visible than past bachelorettes to media questions.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Worst Finale EVER
Seriously pissed. Ewww...
Okay, now that that’s out of me, let’s get to the dirt.
First, the boys visited Jen’s hometown. John Paul was the first to arrive in beautiful Cleveland, and said, "I love your town." No. It’s Cleveland. We know you’re lying. Their conversations were diplomatic as always, and we realized that seeing John Paul and Jen together is a bit forced and odd. The script writers were really on during this episode, as each line was delivered with perfect memorization even though everything they said didn’t apply to what they were feeling. Okay, J.P. spoke from the heart, but Jen wasn’t. She should run for president. Jen’s brother is hot, Midwestern, and a little bit mean. He should have taken his shirt off, but instead, he shared a beer with J.P. John Paul’s visit was fine, and the fam loved him.
Next, socially awkward and emotionally barren Jerry arrived in Cleveland. We learned that he is a "Gallery Director." No, he’s a doorman. He used to be a doorman where he got Jen’s ring, and we all know it. His lack of emotion was as evident as ever, and he was nervous and weird at Jen’s house. My favorite? The fact that Mom put Jerry’s flowers in John Paul’s vase. Brilliant. And more on Mom. She totally bobbed Jerry’s knob, and they held hands like a dirty couple. My biggest issue with this visit: were they drinking white zinfandel at dinner? If so, that’s just wrong.
What did we learn from these hometown dates? J.P. is way cuter than we have given him credit for. And Jerry is still weird. As in, holy awkward Batman.
Jen’s friends soon arrived back in New York to stress her out. In case you were wondering, they were still both blonde, and both very dumb. I secretly wondered if they both slept with both men and told Jen who was better. I mean, she needs to know if they’ve got the necessary equipment.
After picking out a horrendous dress for the final rose ceremony and after a teary jaunt with the friends to Harry Winston (if only she knew Jerry used to open the door there!), the friends left to go see the Eiffel Tower. Wait...the Eiffel Tower is in Paris?
Next, the boys headed to Harry Winston. Jerry chummed it up with old co-workers and picked an ugly ring. John Paul, on the other hand, got a $50,500 ring that kicked major ass. Damn, that boy has style.
Too bad his style wasn’t enough. He got majorly dissed at the rose ceremony and is now one of the most eligible bachelors in America. But I’ve reserved him for a friend.
Then we waited an hour for Jen to tell us exactly what I told you a couple weeks ago. Jen’s over Jerry, and she has proven that I am not only amazing, but very smart in my reality prophesy: she is in love with a rich midget in Chicago. She has also proven that this show is the biggest waste of my damn time ever. Sorry friends.
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Ugliest Dress: Jen’s. You looked chubby.
2) Hottest arms: John Paul’s. Damn. You be lookin’ fine.
3) Most embarrassing ode to love: The shit-ass song Jerry wrote for Jen. Gross.
4) Quote of the night: John Paul to Jen, "I love your town." Dude, Cleveland doesn’t rock, it blows. Note to the Cleveland city council: just move away already. Your town sucks.
5) Biggest mistake by ABC: Making this night 3 F-ING HOURS LONG! And airing this season to begin with.
6) Biggest liar: "I have no doubts" Jen. The Jen who doubted Jerry’s love for her, and thus didn’t accept the ring at first.
7) Biggest joke of a turn-down: Jen turning down Jerry on live TV. Please, they broke up two months ago. Nice acting Jen and Jerry. You’ve cleary rehearsed.
8) Most skeletons in closet: Jerry. I don’t like you, and when I come to L.A. I might pee on your gallery door. And if you’re really lucky, I might barf on it just like I barfed on a New York City subway this weekend.
9) Biggest gold-digger: Jen. And I thought I liked you...
Until next season (don’t count on it),
Mike, your disenchanted bachelorite
Okay, now that that’s out of me, let’s get to the dirt.
First, the boys visited Jen’s hometown. John Paul was the first to arrive in beautiful Cleveland, and said, "I love your town." No. It’s Cleveland. We know you’re lying. Their conversations were diplomatic as always, and we realized that seeing John Paul and Jen together is a bit forced and odd. The script writers were really on during this episode, as each line was delivered with perfect memorization even though everything they said didn’t apply to what they were feeling. Okay, J.P. spoke from the heart, but Jen wasn’t. She should run for president. Jen’s brother is hot, Midwestern, and a little bit mean. He should have taken his shirt off, but instead, he shared a beer with J.P. John Paul’s visit was fine, and the fam loved him.
Next, socially awkward and emotionally barren Jerry arrived in Cleveland. We learned that he is a "Gallery Director." No, he’s a doorman. He used to be a doorman where he got Jen’s ring, and we all know it. His lack of emotion was as evident as ever, and he was nervous and weird at Jen’s house. My favorite? The fact that Mom put Jerry’s flowers in John Paul’s vase. Brilliant. And more on Mom. She totally bobbed Jerry’s knob, and they held hands like a dirty couple. My biggest issue with this visit: were they drinking white zinfandel at dinner? If so, that’s just wrong.
What did we learn from these hometown dates? J.P. is way cuter than we have given him credit for. And Jerry is still weird. As in, holy awkward Batman.
Jen’s friends soon arrived back in New York to stress her out. In case you were wondering, they were still both blonde, and both very dumb. I secretly wondered if they both slept with both men and told Jen who was better. I mean, she needs to know if they’ve got the necessary equipment.
After picking out a horrendous dress for the final rose ceremony and after a teary jaunt with the friends to Harry Winston (if only she knew Jerry used to open the door there!), the friends left to go see the Eiffel Tower. Wait...the Eiffel Tower is in Paris?
Next, the boys headed to Harry Winston. Jerry chummed it up with old co-workers and picked an ugly ring. John Paul, on the other hand, got a $50,500 ring that kicked major ass. Damn, that boy has style.
Too bad his style wasn’t enough. He got majorly dissed at the rose ceremony and is now one of the most eligible bachelors in America. But I’ve reserved him for a friend.
Then we waited an hour for Jen to tell us exactly what I told you a couple weeks ago. Jen’s over Jerry, and she has proven that I am not only amazing, but very smart in my reality prophesy: she is in love with a rich midget in Chicago. She has also proven that this show is the biggest waste of my damn time ever. Sorry friends.
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Ugliest Dress: Jen’s. You looked chubby.
2) Hottest arms: John Paul’s. Damn. You be lookin’ fine.
3) Most embarrassing ode to love: The shit-ass song Jerry wrote for Jen. Gross.
4) Quote of the night: John Paul to Jen, "I love your town." Dude, Cleveland doesn’t rock, it blows. Note to the Cleveland city council: just move away already. Your town sucks.
5) Biggest mistake by ABC: Making this night 3 F-ING HOURS LONG! And airing this season to begin with.
6) Biggest liar: "I have no doubts" Jen. The Jen who doubted Jerry’s love for her, and thus didn’t accept the ring at first.
7) Biggest joke of a turn-down: Jen turning down Jerry on live TV. Please, they broke up two months ago. Nice acting Jen and Jerry. You’ve cleary rehearsed.
8) Most skeletons in closet: Jerry. I don’t like you, and when I come to L.A. I might pee on your gallery door. And if you’re really lucky, I might barf on it just like I barfed on a New York City subway this weekend.
9) Biggest gold-digger: Jen. And I thought I liked you...
Until next season (don’t count on it),
Mike, your disenchanted bachelorite
Monday, February 21, 2005
The Men Tell All: Or do they?
Since I’ve never reviewed a "Men Tell All" episode, I don’t plan on breaking new ground.
But I’m doing it anyway. Just a little bit, though.
A few notes on tonight’s show.
1) Chris, our out-dated announcer, referred to Jen as a "Midwest Darling." He forgot to remind us that she isn’t so much a darling, but a "Midwest Gold-digger." *See previous post.
2) Fabrice. Oh Fabrice. Please reference the title of this post. You have neglected to tell us that you’re gay. You are. And you’ve also gained a good 15 lbs (el bees). Your face is fatter, your tummy isn’t toned, and we’re over you. I think you have a crush on Andrew, by the way. And you want me too, of course.
3) Andrew. You’re still hella cute. I want you like it’s nobody’s business. I always knew you wanted me too, so just admit it. Except I’m dating Ian. God I love that he broke up with Meredith.
Until next week, let’s hold our breath. Jen accepts Jerry’s proposal on live TV, breaks up with him a week later, and starts dating a short and fat restaurant owner a few weeks later. God, that’s hot. Do we think my predictions are correct?
Until the *8 p.m.* finale next week (note that it's an hour earlier than normal),
Mike
But I’m doing it anyway. Just a little bit, though.
A few notes on tonight’s show.
1) Chris, our out-dated announcer, referred to Jen as a "Midwest Darling." He forgot to remind us that she isn’t so much a darling, but a "Midwest Gold-digger." *See previous post.
2) Fabrice. Oh Fabrice. Please reference the title of this post. You have neglected to tell us that you’re gay. You are. And you’ve also gained a good 15 lbs (el bees). Your face is fatter, your tummy isn’t toned, and we’re over you. I think you have a crush on Andrew, by the way. And you want me too, of course.
3) Andrew. You’re still hella cute. I want you like it’s nobody’s business. I always knew you wanted me too, so just admit it. Except I’m dating Ian. God I love that he broke up with Meredith.
Until next week, let’s hold our breath. Jen accepts Jerry’s proposal on live TV, breaks up with him a week later, and starts dating a short and fat restaurant owner a few weeks later. God, that’s hot. Do we think my predictions are correct?
Until the *8 p.m.* finale next week (note that it's an hour earlier than normal),
Mike
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Can't Resist
Here's the deal. Don't read on if you want to be surprised by this unsurprising season.
1) John Paul and Jerry both propose. Jen chooses Jerry.
2) They break up a week later.
3) Jen is now dating entrepreneur/club owner/restauranteur Billy Dec, a Chicago native. He's ugly, but rich.
**When I mean not cute, I'm serious:
http://www.rockitranch.com/bios_dec.html
4) Jen was paid $60,000 to do the show this season.
5) Jen is a certified gold digger.
There you have it. God I love my spies who do the dirty work for me!
Let's take bets. Am I right??
1) John Paul and Jerry both propose. Jen chooses Jerry.
2) They break up a week later.
3) Jen is now dating entrepreneur/club owner/restauranteur Billy Dec, a Chicago native. He's ugly, but rich.
**When I mean not cute, I'm serious:
http://www.rockitranch.com/bios_dec.html
4) Jen was paid $60,000 to do the show this season.
5) Jen is a certified gold digger.
There you have it. God I love my spies who do the dirty work for me!
Let's take bets. Am I right??
Juicy Deets
Since I'm famous, I've just heard all the juicy deets about this not-so-juicy season of "The Bachelorette" (i.e. I know what happens, et cetera). Do you love it?
Monday, February 14, 2005
Another bad one.
Review 6: Most boring episode ever
This was the night of nothing really happening except the obvious.
Tonight we met the lovebirds in three tropical locales. While the locales were hot, the romance was not.
The first date united John Paul and Jen in a rainy Bermuda for a hot (I mean not) date. Okay, yes, they were rather cute, and her boobs looked amazing, but the crazy-hot connection was a bit lacking and we weren’t able to hear any hot moaning during their night together in-lieu of a night alone. Ugh...
Next we traveled west to find Jerry and Jen in Hilton Head for date two. Jerry, as always, arrived without his personality, and thus, our night was a bit boring. By boring I mean canned responses, cockiness and his ever-present smirk. Jen had worries of him being a "player," and I think we all shared the same concern. The "all romance (what romance?!?) no substance" premonitions held true as Jerry confused Jen with his pre-packaged cute-isms and meaningless jibber-jabber. Again, we were left with no hot necking in the fantasy sweet. Is Jen a prude, or is ABC toying with our emotions?
Speaking of toying with another’s emotions, we next joined Ryan and Jen in a chilly Cape Cod. I’m sorry, who goes to Cape Cod in the cold? Not fun. Ryan got screwed on this date, and not in the good sense. We began the date with some shameless product placement on behalf of Oral-B’s Brush Up whitening agent. Yeah...I’ve never witnessed such obvious product placement on a reality show before, but I guess there’s a first for everything. After he brushed clean, the two not-at-all-lovebirds had some obligatory chatter. Jen said–in so many words–"Okay, you’re really hot, but your family is LOONY. I have not interest in you." Then, they spent a night in the fantasy suite which probably came without the fantasy, and surely without a happy ending.
My friends and lovers, this date has solidified the fact that I am entirely not invested in this season. I used to approach each episode with an elevated heart rate and a raging case of the smiles. Now I simply gulp my wine and roll my eyes. It’s sad that I, "The Bachelorette’s" number one fan, am disinterested and bored. There is nothing about which to be excited, and I’m sad about the lack of development. At this point, I’m hoping for some sort of disaster. (Picture Jen finding out she’s pregnant with Fabrice’s gay lovechild.)
So, after the supposedly dramatic rose ceremony, we’re left with:
1) John Paul. I'm getting cuter, but I still have a funky lip.
2) Jerry. I'm still super sketchy and honing my acting chops.
Adios to Ryan. Go to Thailand with your parents. I’m sure they’re ready and willing to play "tour guide" for you.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Worst all-black rose ceremony suit: Ryan. Enjoy life back in the reality of your weird family.
2) Worst choice of tie: Jerry. All yellow? Never again, please.
3) Worst dress: Jen. No more shiny, shimmery dresses. You looked pregnant. (With Fabrice’s baby??)
4) Most unimpressed: Me. Ugh.....
Until two weeks from now (I probably won’t review the "Men Tell All" bullshit–except Andrew is making an appearance and I might have to make out with him),
Mike, your disenchanted blogger
This was the night of nothing really happening except the obvious.
Tonight we met the lovebirds in three tropical locales. While the locales were hot, the romance was not.
The first date united John Paul and Jen in a rainy Bermuda for a hot (I mean not) date. Okay, yes, they were rather cute, and her boobs looked amazing, but the crazy-hot connection was a bit lacking and we weren’t able to hear any hot moaning during their night together in-lieu of a night alone. Ugh...
Next we traveled west to find Jerry and Jen in Hilton Head for date two. Jerry, as always, arrived without his personality, and thus, our night was a bit boring. By boring I mean canned responses, cockiness and his ever-present smirk. Jen had worries of him being a "player," and I think we all shared the same concern. The "all romance (what romance?!?) no substance" premonitions held true as Jerry confused Jen with his pre-packaged cute-isms and meaningless jibber-jabber. Again, we were left with no hot necking in the fantasy sweet. Is Jen a prude, or is ABC toying with our emotions?
Speaking of toying with another’s emotions, we next joined Ryan and Jen in a chilly Cape Cod. I’m sorry, who goes to Cape Cod in the cold? Not fun. Ryan got screwed on this date, and not in the good sense. We began the date with some shameless product placement on behalf of Oral-B’s Brush Up whitening agent. Yeah...I’ve never witnessed such obvious product placement on a reality show before, but I guess there’s a first for everything. After he brushed clean, the two not-at-all-lovebirds had some obligatory chatter. Jen said–in so many words–"Okay, you’re really hot, but your family is LOONY. I have not interest in you." Then, they spent a night in the fantasy suite which probably came without the fantasy, and surely without a happy ending.
My friends and lovers, this date has solidified the fact that I am entirely not invested in this season. I used to approach each episode with an elevated heart rate and a raging case of the smiles. Now I simply gulp my wine and roll my eyes. It’s sad that I, "The Bachelorette’s" number one fan, am disinterested and bored. There is nothing about which to be excited, and I’m sad about the lack of development. At this point, I’m hoping for some sort of disaster. (Picture Jen finding out she’s pregnant with Fabrice’s gay lovechild.)
So, after the supposedly dramatic rose ceremony, we’re left with:
1) John Paul. I'm getting cuter, but I still have a funky lip.
2) Jerry. I'm still super sketchy and honing my acting chops.
Adios to Ryan. Go to Thailand with your parents. I’m sure they’re ready and willing to play "tour guide" for you.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Worst all-black rose ceremony suit: Ryan. Enjoy life back in the reality of your weird family.
2) Worst choice of tie: Jerry. All yellow? Never again, please.
3) Worst dress: Jen. No more shiny, shimmery dresses. You looked pregnant. (With Fabrice’s baby??)
4) Most unimpressed: Me. Ugh.....
Until two weeks from now (I probably won’t review the "Men Tell All" bullshit–except Andrew is making an appearance and I might have to make out with him),
Mike, your disenchanted blogger
Monday, February 07, 2005
Footloose and Drama-free
I am writing this in a mini fit of rage. I just spent forty minutes writing the last update and while I was publishing it, I lost my internet connection. Please forgive me if you sense anger in the following update.
Episode five brought little enjoyment to my life. Contrived situations, lack of raw emotion, and four chemistry-free dates were about all we had to cling to here. We traveled to four cities, met four families, and multiplied the boredom by four.
The first date united a cowboy-boot-wearing Jen with John Paul in Oklahoma City (OK!). Although John Paul's oddly-shaped upper lip still looked weird in his hometown, the date went just fine. We met his nice, normal family...a.k.a. the source of all his money. What we liked about this date: his family's nice house, his cute mom, and his dad's man-braces. Brilliant! After the family, we went back to John Paul's own house, which was quite nice for a 25-year-old. The chef of his restaurant cooked them a meal and it was yummy. Wait, who owns a restaurant at the age of 25? And, more importantly, did we know there were restaurants in Oklahoma City? I always figured there were simply local chopping blocks where burly men cut slabs of beef and took them home to grill for their kin. You learn something new every day. Restaurants in Oklahoma? Who knew?!?
The next date brought us to meet Ryan's crazy, unloving, and boring family in Oregon. His parents had just returned home from an exotic vacation in Thailand where they learned that paper umbrellas were made by hand. We, on the other hand, learned that his parents were annoying, his sister was a mute, and the date was awkward. They ate Barburritos. Ewww. Even better? His mom apparently wallpapers with construction paper and makes people sign their names on it. Classic. And very classy too. We figured the romance between Ryan and Jen was caput.
The third date found a smiley and goofy Wendell playing host to Jen. They met at his kickass loft, but soon drove to the burbs to meet his drunk family. Mom, sister Wendy (Wendell and Wendy? Hello?!?), his look-alike brother, and other people who obviously didn't matter enough for me to remember their names. They all drank too much and it was fun. And by too much, I mean just the right amount. Drunky McDrunkerson Wendy needed subtitiles to convey her drunk words, and I loved it. But, sadly, Mom hit it head-on: Jen just wasn't that into him. Oh well, nothing that a few drinks can't take care of.
The fourth date found Jen and Jerry in a powerless Rochester. We soon learned, through, that Jerry is more than meets the eye. He has a deaf mom and he knows sign language. The character development was exciting, but the depth of his character soon evaporated when he said that, "Jen needs to show me her willingness to learn sign language." I'm sorry, what? And we revert to the Jerry we know so well: fake, cocky, and lacking in anything but his supposed good looks.
So there you have it, folks. We are waiting with baited breath for ABC to spice things up. Apparently, they plan on doing just that next week when Jen shakes it up at a dramatic rose ceremony. Will she dump all three guys and re-ignite the love with Firestone? Will she keep all three and have a raging orgy? Or will she ditch the show and campaign for gay rights with Fabrice? Only time will tell.
But for now, we're left with (can you sense my enthusiasm since I'm so invested in them?):
1) John Paul and his funky lip.
2) Jerry and his personality-free lifestyle.
3) Ryan and his weird family.
We're sad to see Wendell go, but since he was more of a brother, we're kind of happy that we don't have to witness what would have amounted to a sort of incest. Yeah...that would have been weird. He's cute, he's Midwestern, and some drunk Chicago slut will make his night this weekend. Speaking of Chicago sluts, I want to give a shout out to all my best girls in Chi-town, and to the chick who inappropriately caressed my nether regions at the bar on New Years. Chicago girls are forward (and oblivious to my hankering for guys).
Tonight's Awards:
1) Orthodontist's dream family: John Paul's fam. Three sets of braces in one family all at once? Oh my!
2) Most powerless city: Rochester. Damn those blackouts!
3) Most boring blogger: Me. Sorry, the juicy drama is really lacking this season.
Until next week's most dramatic rose ceremony ever,
Mike
Episode five brought little enjoyment to my life. Contrived situations, lack of raw emotion, and four chemistry-free dates were about all we had to cling to here. We traveled to four cities, met four families, and multiplied the boredom by four.
The first date united a cowboy-boot-wearing Jen with John Paul in Oklahoma City (OK!). Although John Paul's oddly-shaped upper lip still looked weird in his hometown, the date went just fine. We met his nice, normal family...a.k.a. the source of all his money. What we liked about this date: his family's nice house, his cute mom, and his dad's man-braces. Brilliant! After the family, we went back to John Paul's own house, which was quite nice for a 25-year-old. The chef of his restaurant cooked them a meal and it was yummy. Wait, who owns a restaurant at the age of 25? And, more importantly, did we know there were restaurants in Oklahoma City? I always figured there were simply local chopping blocks where burly men cut slabs of beef and took them home to grill for their kin. You learn something new every day. Restaurants in Oklahoma? Who knew?!?
The next date brought us to meet Ryan's crazy, unloving, and boring family in Oregon. His parents had just returned home from an exotic vacation in Thailand where they learned that paper umbrellas were made by hand. We, on the other hand, learned that his parents were annoying, his sister was a mute, and the date was awkward. They ate Barburritos. Ewww. Even better? His mom apparently wallpapers with construction paper and makes people sign their names on it. Classic. And very classy too. We figured the romance between Ryan and Jen was caput.
The third date found a smiley and goofy Wendell playing host to Jen. They met at his kickass loft, but soon drove to the burbs to meet his drunk family. Mom, sister Wendy (Wendell and Wendy? Hello?!?), his look-alike brother, and other people who obviously didn't matter enough for me to remember their names. They all drank too much and it was fun. And by too much, I mean just the right amount. Drunky McDrunkerson Wendy needed subtitiles to convey her drunk words, and I loved it. But, sadly, Mom hit it head-on: Jen just wasn't that into him. Oh well, nothing that a few drinks can't take care of.
The fourth date found Jen and Jerry in a powerless Rochester. We soon learned, through, that Jerry is more than meets the eye. He has a deaf mom and he knows sign language. The character development was exciting, but the depth of his character soon evaporated when he said that, "Jen needs to show me her willingness to learn sign language." I'm sorry, what? And we revert to the Jerry we know so well: fake, cocky, and lacking in anything but his supposed good looks.
So there you have it, folks. We are waiting with baited breath for ABC to spice things up. Apparently, they plan on doing just that next week when Jen shakes it up at a dramatic rose ceremony. Will she dump all three guys and re-ignite the love with Firestone? Will she keep all three and have a raging orgy? Or will she ditch the show and campaign for gay rights with Fabrice? Only time will tell.
But for now, we're left with (can you sense my enthusiasm since I'm so invested in them?):
1) John Paul and his funky lip.
2) Jerry and his personality-free lifestyle.
3) Ryan and his weird family.
We're sad to see Wendell go, but since he was more of a brother, we're kind of happy that we don't have to witness what would have amounted to a sort of incest. Yeah...that would have been weird. He's cute, he's Midwestern, and some drunk Chicago slut will make his night this weekend. Speaking of Chicago sluts, I want to give a shout out to all my best girls in Chi-town, and to the chick who inappropriately caressed my nether regions at the bar on New Years. Chicago girls are forward (and oblivious to my hankering for guys).
Tonight's Awards:
1) Orthodontist's dream family: John Paul's fam. Three sets of braces in one family all at once? Oh my!
2) Most powerless city: Rochester. Damn those blackouts!
3) Most boring blogger: Me. Sorry, the juicy drama is really lacking this season.
Until next week's most dramatic rose ceremony ever,
Mike
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Ian comes to his senses!
Meredith and Ian SPLIT!
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/02/tv.bachelorettesplit.ap/index.html
Ian, my love, what took you so long? At least I know that our love can flourish now without fear of the paparazzi. This commuting to and from LA simply to clandestinely see each other has been a burden we can no longer bear.
When the couple said, "Things didn't work out as we had hoped," they meant, Ian is in love with Mike, and Meredith isn't in to his dual-life.
See you tonight, my dear Ian. I'll bring dinner to your place at about 8.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/02/tv.bachelorettesplit.ap/index.html
Ian, my love, what took you so long? At least I know that our love can flourish now without fear of the paparazzi. This commuting to and from LA simply to clandestinely see each other has been a burden we can no longer bear.
When the couple said, "Things didn't work out as we had hoped," they meant, Ian is in love with Mike, and Meredith isn't in to his dual-life.
See you tonight, my dear Ian. I'll bring dinner to your place at about 8.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Ben, here's my number!
As I wallow in my tears, I begin the blog. Sniff...
This evening, the love of my life was lost, the gayest of the gay is gone, and four doofs remain. Okay, fine, I like one of them. But still.
This evening consisted of three dates. The boys were forced to write love notes. The best note won the first date--and the best note was written by Ryan.
As the winner of one-on-one date number one, Ryan picked Jen up at her faboo loft. The two love birds (more appropriately named the "awkward-I-think-I-like you birds") spent the day riding on firetrucks and eating cheap chinese. Basically they spent the day in the life of any Staten Island fireman. But sadly the firemen with whom they spent their day were not the firemen that grace my wall in the NYFD 2005 wall calendar. The guys in the calendar are wayyyyyy cuter. What happened on this date? In short, nothing. In tall, they were nervous and slightly awkward together. And Ryan's hot-tubbing body was not as hot as we all had hoped.
Date two went to the second best letter. Jerry, the doorman turned doorman, wrote this love-filled soliloquy lovely orated by faggy Fabrice. Jerry's hope that this would be the "last first date I ever have" seemed rather successful. The two went on a romantic date to Jazz at Lincoln Center where the personality-free Jerry put on all the moves amidst an original soundtrack by some kickass jazz artists. But, I hope we all noticed the preparations for the day in which Fabrice dressed Jerry both figuratively and literally. Fabrice's wandering eyes (to Jerry's c*ck and b*lls) were noticeable to more than the cameras thankyouverymuch, and were the highlight of my night. During the hot live music, Jerry put on all the moves, Jen received them well in a giddy fashion, and they kissed and humped a little bit. He stroked her hair, she stroked his wenis, and it was good times for all.
The third date was a bit less personal, but much more action-packed. J.P., Wendell, Ben and Fabrice went to Little Italy to make pizza and to make a little love. While Ben's chest hair (which was visible through his hot button down) was the highlight of MY night, the race was most likely more exciting for the audience at large. The race to the ESB (Empire State Building) was a hard-fought battle that was ultimately won by Wendell. Yes, we were excited. The two have undeniable chemistry. Wendell is goofy and charming, Jen likes him, but is the chemistry that of friends or lovers? Stay tuned. We have yet to scientifically judge this. Ben and J.P. lost, and Fabrice went home to surf gay.com for a late-night hookup without even trying to win Jen's love.
With the three dates over, we were left on the edge of our seats anxiously awaiting Fabrice's national coming out moment. Yeah...er...
Basically Ben said the nicest words Jen had ever heard. Personally, I was moved in more ways than one by his romantic gestures (which seemed rehearsed but cute). Jen apparently felt otherwise, and I have decided to be in a tiff with her because of this.
Pre-rose-ceremony, Fabrice had his big moment. In gayspeak, Fabrice said, "Jen, I don't want to marry you." In realspeak, Fabrice said, "Jen, I'm gay. I like boys. I like them naked. And I like them all the time. I miss my boyfriend, and the sexual tension between the other five guys has driven me to insanity." Hey ABC, thanks for pretending he was coming out. How dare you toy with our emotions as Fabrice toyed with Jen's! Not fair. I'm mad. But now that Fabrice is back on the market, I might just make out with him to get back at you.
So, after all was not come out and done, we are left with:
1) Ryan
2) Jerry
3) Wendell
4) J.P.
I am hereby left with one guy that I like: Wendell. Win one for the team. Not necessarily the team that both I and Fabrice play for, but the team of love. Win it, Wendell!
Ben, the loser of the evening, is headed home. Why this happened I do not know. He is gorgeous, wonderful, hairy-chested, and beautiful. Ben, please post a comment on this blog and I will reply with my cell phone number. We love you.
Tonight's awards:
1) Hottest: Ben. Goodbye my love!!
2) Most normal: Wendell
3) Most boring: The cast. Can we have some drama and humor please?
4) Gayest/weakest/most in the closet: Fabrice. "I don't want to marry you, Jen. I don't want to marry any woman. EVER! Yesssss, I get to go back to my boyfriend!"
Until next week,
Your rather upset and emotionally scarred Mike
This evening, the love of my life was lost, the gayest of the gay is gone, and four doofs remain. Okay, fine, I like one of them. But still.
This evening consisted of three dates. The boys were forced to write love notes. The best note won the first date--and the best note was written by Ryan.
As the winner of one-on-one date number one, Ryan picked Jen up at her faboo loft. The two love birds (more appropriately named the "awkward-I-think-I-like you birds") spent the day riding on firetrucks and eating cheap chinese. Basically they spent the day in the life of any Staten Island fireman. But sadly the firemen with whom they spent their day were not the firemen that grace my wall in the NYFD 2005 wall calendar. The guys in the calendar are wayyyyyy cuter. What happened on this date? In short, nothing. In tall, they were nervous and slightly awkward together. And Ryan's hot-tubbing body was not as hot as we all had hoped.
Date two went to the second best letter. Jerry, the doorman turned doorman, wrote this love-filled soliloquy lovely orated by faggy Fabrice. Jerry's hope that this would be the "last first date I ever have" seemed rather successful. The two went on a romantic date to Jazz at Lincoln Center where the personality-free Jerry put on all the moves amidst an original soundtrack by some kickass jazz artists. But, I hope we all noticed the preparations for the day in which Fabrice dressed Jerry both figuratively and literally. Fabrice's wandering eyes (to Jerry's c*ck and b*lls) were noticeable to more than the cameras thankyouverymuch, and were the highlight of my night. During the hot live music, Jerry put on all the moves, Jen received them well in a giddy fashion, and they kissed and humped a little bit. He stroked her hair, she stroked his wenis, and it was good times for all.
The third date was a bit less personal, but much more action-packed. J.P., Wendell, Ben and Fabrice went to Little Italy to make pizza and to make a little love. While Ben's chest hair (which was visible through his hot button down) was the highlight of MY night, the race was most likely more exciting for the audience at large. The race to the ESB (Empire State Building) was a hard-fought battle that was ultimately won by Wendell. Yes, we were excited. The two have undeniable chemistry. Wendell is goofy and charming, Jen likes him, but is the chemistry that of friends or lovers? Stay tuned. We have yet to scientifically judge this. Ben and J.P. lost, and Fabrice went home to surf gay.com for a late-night hookup without even trying to win Jen's love.
With the three dates over, we were left on the edge of our seats anxiously awaiting Fabrice's national coming out moment. Yeah...er...
Basically Ben said the nicest words Jen had ever heard. Personally, I was moved in more ways than one by his romantic gestures (which seemed rehearsed but cute). Jen apparently felt otherwise, and I have decided to be in a tiff with her because of this.
Pre-rose-ceremony, Fabrice had his big moment. In gayspeak, Fabrice said, "Jen, I don't want to marry you." In realspeak, Fabrice said, "Jen, I'm gay. I like boys. I like them naked. And I like them all the time. I miss my boyfriend, and the sexual tension between the other five guys has driven me to insanity." Hey ABC, thanks for pretending he was coming out. How dare you toy with our emotions as Fabrice toyed with Jen's! Not fair. I'm mad. But now that Fabrice is back on the market, I might just make out with him to get back at you.
So, after all was not come out and done, we are left with:
1) Ryan
2) Jerry
3) Wendell
4) J.P.
I am hereby left with one guy that I like: Wendell. Win one for the team. Not necessarily the team that both I and Fabrice play for, but the team of love. Win it, Wendell!
Ben, the loser of the evening, is headed home. Why this happened I do not know. He is gorgeous, wonderful, hairy-chested, and beautiful. Ben, please post a comment on this blog and I will reply with my cell phone number. We love you.
Tonight's awards:
1) Hottest: Ben. Goodbye my love!!
2) Most normal: Wendell
3) Most boring: The cast. Can we have some drama and humor please?
4) Gayest/weakest/most in the closet: Fabrice. "I don't want to marry you, Jen. I don't want to marry any woman. EVER! Yesssss, I get to go back to my boyfriend!"
Until next week,
Your rather upset and emotionally scarred Mike
Monday, January 24, 2005
The Night of Surprises (and of the worst date EVER)
Although I'm still a bit shocked and awed, I owe you a blog entry, and I will write through the pain.
The night began with a game of basketball. A little four-on-four action that we all knew I would enjoy. I'll give you one guess which team I liked most. Did you guess the "skins?" Yeah. Jerry, Wendell, Josh and Keith, bronzed and buff, took on Fabrice, Ryan, J.P. and Ben who may be buff as well, but who sadly played as "shirts." Couldn't they have played skins versus skins? Way more fun for all of us. The game got a bit physical, but I have to be honest. All I could think the entire time was, "what if my 'undercover gay' plan (i.e. the role ABC cast with Fabrice instead of me) worked and I had to play basketball when all I wanted was to be the slutty sideline cheerleader?" Eighth grade gym haunts me again...
The game determined who got the one-on-one dates, and who got screwed. Fabrice and J.P., to the dismay of Jen, got the love.
And then the worst date in the history of the world began. Cue the fabulous old-school limo and the gay bachelor and the scene is set. The lovebirds pull up to the Cotton Club where a sultry Vanessa Williams serenades them with a rollicking ballad. Not really. It was actually quite dismal, but she's old and we love her. Was I the only one who had "Saved the Best for Last" in his head for the remainder of the date?
The date was so horribly awkward I had to look away. Cue the "dun...dun...dun..." music. In the next scene, Fabrice (worst liar ever) relays the story about his "girlfriend" of yore. Then the tears came. But when we really thought things were bad, they had only just begun, because Fabrice felt the need to go in for the most unannounced, unexpected, and unruly kiss ever witnessed by gaykind (me). I died. And when I mean died, I mean I immediately yelped at the top of my lungs and then called a friend on whom I vented my pent up angst. Folks, you have all just witnessed Fabrice's infidelity. I bet his boyfriend screamed louder than me! Jen abruptly called the date off, and we figured Fabrice was history. But then we remember that ABC is in cohoots with faggy Frenchy. He's playing his role well, and he's sure to stay another episode after the producers force Jen to keep him on.
The second one-on-one found a macho J.P. picking up Jen for a helicopter ride to paradise. (Apparently paradise is a Native American casino, but that's fine.) As J.P. reinforced traditional gender roles by asserting his "manly side," the date went surprisingly well. J.P. told Jen about the company his daddy, I mean he, started, and they had a romantic night of food, massages, and hot tubs. As trusted bachelorites, I surely hope you all caught on when the cameras conveniently panned away each time J.P.'s body came into view. What did he convince the producers to hide? Obviously not a hot body.
Overall the date went well--but then again, we were coming off a horrific experience with Fabrice, and a night of eating dog shit would have been better than another night of tears and toungue-y kisses.
On the last date, Jen joined Wendell, Ben, Keith, Ryan, Jerry and Josh in the Sheep's Meadow in Central Park (i.e. the lawn on which you can find me on any sunny Sunday from spring to fall). Hmmm...what did we learn? Josh still has bad hair, Keith is still nervous, Jerry is still charming yet cocky, Ben is still off camera somewhere, and Wendell is the coolest cat in town. Although the kiss between Jen and Jerry may have been romantic to some, I think Wendell took the cake on this date. They have the best chemistry, and when Jen is with him all is very fun, easy-going and cute. We love you Wendell. You're fun, let's hang out.
Pre-rose-ceremony, Jen seemed to have her mind made up. But then the producers got to her and told her to keep Fabrice on for another go at it. Ben got his first on-air time ever, and he was cute. Jerry turned the charm up once again, but his suave, cocky smirk worries me a bit. I think all the time spent in the doorway at Harry Winston has rubbed off on him. There are only so many botoxed Upper East Side bitches one can take in a day, and I'm thinking Jerry took a lot of them in his day (and probably a few houseboys too, if you know what I mean).
So, when all was said and done, we are left with:
1) J.P. Will we forgive him for wearing no socks with his suit? Probably not, but tune in next week for the decision.
2) Jerry. Cocky smirk and all.
3)Ryan. Do we know you?
4) Ben. We love you.
5) Wendell. We like you a lot.
6) Fabrice. We all just died. Oh, and you're coming out of the closet to Jen next week at the rose ceremony. Thanks for stringing us along ABC.
Adios to Josh and Keith.
This week's awards.
1) Hot bod award: Keith. You can teach me some welding tricks if you're bored.
2) Most honest: Jen. We love your candid remarks on how much people suck.
2) Worst kiss: Fabrice's mouth-raping of Jen.
3) Worst date: See above.
4) Worst hair: Josh. Seriously, dude.
5) Worst speech impediment: Fabrice. When a word has a "th" in it, it's pronounced "thhhh." Not "f." Let's practice. "With" is pronounced "with," not "wif." Please practice five times daily.
Until next week's coming out episode, I leave you shocked and awed.
Mike
The night began with a game of basketball. A little four-on-four action that we all knew I would enjoy. I'll give you one guess which team I liked most. Did you guess the "skins?" Yeah. Jerry, Wendell, Josh and Keith, bronzed and buff, took on Fabrice, Ryan, J.P. and Ben who may be buff as well, but who sadly played as "shirts." Couldn't they have played skins versus skins? Way more fun for all of us. The game got a bit physical, but I have to be honest. All I could think the entire time was, "what if my 'undercover gay' plan (i.e. the role ABC cast with Fabrice instead of me) worked and I had to play basketball when all I wanted was to be the slutty sideline cheerleader?" Eighth grade gym haunts me again...
The game determined who got the one-on-one dates, and who got screwed. Fabrice and J.P., to the dismay of Jen, got the love.
And then the worst date in the history of the world began. Cue the fabulous old-school limo and the gay bachelor and the scene is set. The lovebirds pull up to the Cotton Club where a sultry Vanessa Williams serenades them with a rollicking ballad. Not really. It was actually quite dismal, but she's old and we love her. Was I the only one who had "Saved the Best for Last" in his head for the remainder of the date?
The date was so horribly awkward I had to look away. Cue the "dun...dun...dun..." music. In the next scene, Fabrice (worst liar ever) relays the story about his "girlfriend" of yore. Then the tears came. But when we really thought things were bad, they had only just begun, because Fabrice felt the need to go in for the most unannounced, unexpected, and unruly kiss ever witnessed by gaykind (me). I died. And when I mean died, I mean I immediately yelped at the top of my lungs and then called a friend on whom I vented my pent up angst. Folks, you have all just witnessed Fabrice's infidelity. I bet his boyfriend screamed louder than me! Jen abruptly called the date off, and we figured Fabrice was history. But then we remember that ABC is in cohoots with faggy Frenchy. He's playing his role well, and he's sure to stay another episode after the producers force Jen to keep him on.
The second one-on-one found a macho J.P. picking up Jen for a helicopter ride to paradise. (Apparently paradise is a Native American casino, but that's fine.) As J.P. reinforced traditional gender roles by asserting his "manly side," the date went surprisingly well. J.P. told Jen about the company his daddy, I mean he, started, and they had a romantic night of food, massages, and hot tubs. As trusted bachelorites, I surely hope you all caught on when the cameras conveniently panned away each time J.P.'s body came into view. What did he convince the producers to hide? Obviously not a hot body.
Overall the date went well--but then again, we were coming off a horrific experience with Fabrice, and a night of eating dog shit would have been better than another night of tears and toungue-y kisses.
On the last date, Jen joined Wendell, Ben, Keith, Ryan, Jerry and Josh in the Sheep's Meadow in Central Park (i.e. the lawn on which you can find me on any sunny Sunday from spring to fall). Hmmm...what did we learn? Josh still has bad hair, Keith is still nervous, Jerry is still charming yet cocky, Ben is still off camera somewhere, and Wendell is the coolest cat in town. Although the kiss between Jen and Jerry may have been romantic to some, I think Wendell took the cake on this date. They have the best chemistry, and when Jen is with him all is very fun, easy-going and cute. We love you Wendell. You're fun, let's hang out.
Pre-rose-ceremony, Jen seemed to have her mind made up. But then the producers got to her and told her to keep Fabrice on for another go at it. Ben got his first on-air time ever, and he was cute. Jerry turned the charm up once again, but his suave, cocky smirk worries me a bit. I think all the time spent in the doorway at Harry Winston has rubbed off on him. There are only so many botoxed Upper East Side bitches one can take in a day, and I'm thinking Jerry took a lot of them in his day (and probably a few houseboys too, if you know what I mean).
So, when all was said and done, we are left with:
1) J.P. Will we forgive him for wearing no socks with his suit? Probably not, but tune in next week for the decision.
2) Jerry. Cocky smirk and all.
3)Ryan. Do we know you?
4) Ben. We love you.
5) Wendell. We like you a lot.
6) Fabrice. We all just died. Oh, and you're coming out of the closet to Jen next week at the rose ceremony. Thanks for stringing us along ABC.
Adios to Josh and Keith.
This week's awards.
1) Hot bod award: Keith. You can teach me some welding tricks if you're bored.
2) Most honest: Jen. We love your candid remarks on how much people suck.
2) Worst kiss: Fabrice's mouth-raping of Jen.
3) Worst date: See above.
4) Worst hair: Josh. Seriously, dude.
5) Worst speech impediment: Fabrice. When a word has a "th" in it, it's pronounced "thhhh." Not "f." Let's practice. "With" is pronounced "with," not "wif." Please practice five times daily.
Until next week's coming out episode, I leave you shocked and awed.
Mike
Monday, January 17, 2005
Week 2: The Militants Let Loose
After two beers and some tasty sushi, I sat down for a night of fun, freaky guys, and fun (couldn't think of another good word that started with "f"). Episode #2 unveiled its nasty traits, and by "nasty traits" I mean the militant men let us know that they are out for blood--or at least Jen's hand in marriage. Not going to lie, I think Jen was a bit off-put by the guys' off-putting obsession with her, but then again, this is what makes for good telly.
The first date found Michael, Ryan from NY (i.e. the only non-white one, a.k.a. token), Fabrice, AW, Ben, Jason and Jerry on a boat, I mean mobile home on water, putsing around Manhattan. Honestly, there was very little drama to report. But we were left with one special tidbit: Michael humps his dog in bed. I'm thinking that was his ticket back to Michigan. Sorry, your big guns just weren't enough. That whole bit with your muscles at the end was simply embarrassing.
Date two was a romantic night at the Plaza with Keith. By romantic I mean awkward. We learned that Keith was an "artist." Apparently I'm an artist too, because Keith informed Jen that he "drew a lot" when he was little. Um, so did I. I could show you the amazing portrait of my dad I drew for "Dad's Day" during year one of preschool. It's really quite a sight. If only I knew that made me an "artist," I'd probably be dating more. Damn, I really had a gift with crayons.
The third date was a day of basketball at MSG with Wendell, Matt, Ryan from Cali, Mark, Stu, Josh and John Paul. Again, very little happened. Here's what I got: 1) Stu wants to know everything about Jen. Jen was scared, we were nervous. 2) Matt from Staten Island (again, we send our apologies) was nervous and weird. 3) Basically it was a series of job interviews in which guys didn't know anything about the job, but figured it was best just to say, "I really want this job." Oh, insert "Jen" for "job."
Meanwhile, at the manse, the boys were up to there usual hullabaloo as the police were called by a disgruntled neighbor in an unfortunate pit-stained t-shirt. Josh and Fabrice had a small run-in, and we were all informed that Jen "needs a warrior and a lover." Apparently pro marathoners moonlight as warriors these days, and we thank Josh for informing us.
And now begins the section of my review in which I rip into the antics of the evening (by antics I mean the faults of the bachelors) and basically become the bitch that I am.
Jason came out of the closet as a virgin. He also sealed his fate and ended his run on the show. Sorry, hopefully you'll find some Texan virgin at one of your motivational speeches. Jason, you could be such a man-whore. You could have your way with your motivated roadies. But alas, you're saving yourself, and I will not judge. Oh who am I kidding? I'm judging the hell out of you right now and I love it.
Maybe it's just the Staten Island in him, but Matt went a bit overboard with requesting Jen to sign and kiss his Knicks ticket. I could say lots of dirty things right now, but I won't.
John Paul's smile is disturbing. He should audition for the role of the Joker in the next generation of Batman movies. And he should stop talking about how he "works so hard." Please, your Oklahoman daddy owns some dumb company that hired you and now you have lots of daddy's money. Oklahoma, OK!!
Mark's gift of the angel necklace was a bit too soon. Again, let's simmer down with the freaky gestures of kindness. You've known Jen for two days now, and you're already giving her necklaces worn by your dead mother. Sorry, I love Jen too, but let's not overstep the boundaries this soon. Oh, and have fun at home because however much that necklace cost was the same price it cost for writing yourself off the show. I'm not kidding when I say that I screamed like I had just witnessed an awful murder (or coolots) when you explained the significance of the gift. Never again, Matt. Never.
The rose ceremony was rather uneventful as we had no momentary lapses of consciousness, but eight roses were handed out all the same. And, GASP, it was "one of the most dramatic rose ceremonies ever." Please, Chris, we've heard it before.
Who survived? Wendell, Fabrice, Ben, Keith, Ryan from Cali, Jerry, John Paul and Josh.
Who's headed home? Jason, Ryan (token), Mark, Michael, Stu, Matt and AW. Some words of advice for the departed: Jason, go have sex. Ryan, try not to be the token on an all-white show. It's just not fun. Mark, don't give freaky gifts to women you don't know. Michael, no more muscle shows. Stu, don't obsess over chicks you don't know. It makes you look like a crazy person. Matt, move away from Staten Island. It's where we send our trash. AW, wait, who are you again?
Tonight's awards:
1) Craziest (not "crazy in love," just pretty much crazy): Stu. Go stalk someone else.
2) Gayest: Fabrice. We know your dirty secret.
3) Understatement of the night: "If I don't get a rose tonight, I'll be disappointed." --Stu. Um, Stu, let's be honest, you probably attempted suicide after the show.
4) Scariest Moment: Mark's present. I died.
Until next Monday, hasta.
The Bachelorite extraordinaire, Mike
The first date found Michael, Ryan from NY (i.e. the only non-white one, a.k.a. token), Fabrice, AW, Ben, Jason and Jerry on a boat, I mean mobile home on water, putsing around Manhattan. Honestly, there was very little drama to report. But we were left with one special tidbit: Michael humps his dog in bed. I'm thinking that was his ticket back to Michigan. Sorry, your big guns just weren't enough. That whole bit with your muscles at the end was simply embarrassing.
Date two was a romantic night at the Plaza with Keith. By romantic I mean awkward. We learned that Keith was an "artist." Apparently I'm an artist too, because Keith informed Jen that he "drew a lot" when he was little. Um, so did I. I could show you the amazing portrait of my dad I drew for "Dad's Day" during year one of preschool. It's really quite a sight. If only I knew that made me an "artist," I'd probably be dating more. Damn, I really had a gift with crayons.
The third date was a day of basketball at MSG with Wendell, Matt, Ryan from Cali, Mark, Stu, Josh and John Paul. Again, very little happened. Here's what I got: 1) Stu wants to know everything about Jen. Jen was scared, we were nervous. 2) Matt from Staten Island (again, we send our apologies) was nervous and weird. 3) Basically it was a series of job interviews in which guys didn't know anything about the job, but figured it was best just to say, "I really want this job." Oh, insert "Jen" for "job."
Meanwhile, at the manse, the boys were up to there usual hullabaloo as the police were called by a disgruntled neighbor in an unfortunate pit-stained t-shirt. Josh and Fabrice had a small run-in, and we were all informed that Jen "needs a warrior and a lover." Apparently pro marathoners moonlight as warriors these days, and we thank Josh for informing us.
And now begins the section of my review in which I rip into the antics of the evening (by antics I mean the faults of the bachelors) and basically become the bitch that I am.
Jason came out of the closet as a virgin. He also sealed his fate and ended his run on the show. Sorry, hopefully you'll find some Texan virgin at one of your motivational speeches. Jason, you could be such a man-whore. You could have your way with your motivated roadies. But alas, you're saving yourself, and I will not judge. Oh who am I kidding? I'm judging the hell out of you right now and I love it.
Maybe it's just the Staten Island in him, but Matt went a bit overboard with requesting Jen to sign and kiss his Knicks ticket. I could say lots of dirty things right now, but I won't.
John Paul's smile is disturbing. He should audition for the role of the Joker in the next generation of Batman movies. And he should stop talking about how he "works so hard." Please, your Oklahoman daddy owns some dumb company that hired you and now you have lots of daddy's money. Oklahoma, OK!!
Mark's gift of the angel necklace was a bit too soon. Again, let's simmer down with the freaky gestures of kindness. You've known Jen for two days now, and you're already giving her necklaces worn by your dead mother. Sorry, I love Jen too, but let's not overstep the boundaries this soon. Oh, and have fun at home because however much that necklace cost was the same price it cost for writing yourself off the show. I'm not kidding when I say that I screamed like I had just witnessed an awful murder (or coolots) when you explained the significance of the gift. Never again, Matt. Never.
The rose ceremony was rather uneventful as we had no momentary lapses of consciousness, but eight roses were handed out all the same. And, GASP, it was "one of the most dramatic rose ceremonies ever." Please, Chris, we've heard it before.
Who survived? Wendell, Fabrice, Ben, Keith, Ryan from Cali, Jerry, John Paul and Josh.
Who's headed home? Jason, Ryan (token), Mark, Michael, Stu, Matt and AW. Some words of advice for the departed: Jason, go have sex. Ryan, try not to be the token on an all-white show. It's just not fun. Mark, don't give freaky gifts to women you don't know. Michael, no more muscle shows. Stu, don't obsess over chicks you don't know. It makes you look like a crazy person. Matt, move away from Staten Island. It's where we send our trash. AW, wait, who are you again?
Tonight's awards:
1) Craziest (not "crazy in love," just pretty much crazy): Stu. Go stalk someone else.
2) Gayest: Fabrice. We know your dirty secret.
3) Understatement of the night: "If I don't get a rose tonight, I'll be disappointed." --Stu. Um, Stu, let's be honest, you probably attempted suicide after the show.
4) Scariest Moment: Mark's present. I died.
Until next Monday, hasta.
The Bachelorite extraordinaire, Mike
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Juicy Deets
Good friends in cyberland,
Good lord, my duties as a blogger expand seven-fold (or some-fold, for that matter). Apparently, I now update this site more than once a week. Due to the due diligence of my beloved bachelorites, here are the deets of the day:
Is Jerry gay or just a quack? We don't know. But he was once a doorman at Harry Winston on 5th Ave. here in NYC. I'm sorry, career change from doorman to "Art Director?" Please, more like doorman to doorman.
Or is Fabrice gay? Check the goods at this link. Did Fabrice steal my idea?
http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/the_bachelorette_3/
2005_Jan_12_fabrice_gay
Thanks to my two devoted bachelorites of the week for the fun gossip, who shall go unnamed due to security reasons.
Oh, and a shot out to Bea from Omaha who thought I neglected her in the first update. Dear Bea, we're now very futuristic as I've crossed into the world of blogging from the old-school e-mail updates. Happy catching up, and welcome!
Love to all from West 51st!
Mike
Good lord, my duties as a blogger expand seven-fold (or some-fold, for that matter). Apparently, I now update this site more than once a week. Due to the due diligence of my beloved bachelorites, here are the deets of the day:
Is Jerry gay or just a quack? We don't know. But he was once a doorman at Harry Winston on 5th Ave. here in NYC. I'm sorry, career change from doorman to "Art Director?" Please, more like doorman to doorman.
Or is Fabrice gay? Check the goods at this link. Did Fabrice steal my idea?
http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/the_bachelorette_3/
2005_Jan_12_fabrice_gay
Thanks to my two devoted bachelorites of the week for the fun gossip, who shall go unnamed due to security reasons.
Oh, and a shot out to Bea from Omaha who thought I neglected her in the first update. Dear Bea, we're now very futuristic as I've crossed into the world of blogging from the old-school e-mail updates. Happy catching up, and welcome!
Love to all from West 51st!
Mike
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Jen Returns...and so do I!
My lovers, my friends, my ex-lovers, and my enemies,
As nine o'clock hit, the wine glass hit my lips. Ladies and ladies (and gentlemen...ugh), "The Bachelorette" returns, and so do I. As a dear friend of mine can attest--yes, I allowed someone to watch the sacred show with me--I was giddy with excitement. And maybe a little drunk. Without further adieu, here we go.
Jen Schefft, our bachelorette, is back, bronzed, and buff. She dropped about fifteen lbs (pronouced l-bees) and looks better than ever. Okay, she still has a bit of a paunch, but she's fabulous and we love her. Her arms are toned, and her legs are amazing. Wait...do I like girls? Mmmmm, no. But still, she looks great.
First off, we love that the show takes place in my stomping ground, New York. But, ABC, why didn't you let me be on the show? I had this great idea to be a bachelor undercover. I even called the casting hotline this fall. I would have been a bachelor, Jen would have given me a rose, and then I would have come out of the closet with boas and heels and proclaimed my inner homo to Jen. The twist? I would have stayed on the show and fooled the other guys into thinking I was straight. I would have been Jen's eyes when her eyes weren't there. But ABC didn't think it was a hot idea. Whatever ABC. You could have at least given me the address of the bachelor pad so I could have hit on the 25 bachelors. (Speaking of bachelor pad, my "bachelor pad" [the notepad on which I take notes for this blog] is now completely full. I'm not kidding. I need a new bachelor pad.) But whatever, I'm over it. Oooh, I have another idea. ABC, can we do "The Gay Bachelor?" I'm newly single, and I can think of no one better to headline the sure-to-be-a-hit series.
But on to the episode. First, the corn-fed midwestern friends, Abby and Michelle, were cute. And by cute I mean bad dye-jobs and horrible outfits. But it's fine. They're Jen's friends, and we respect them.
Sidenote: I am hereby banishing the term "taking it to the next level." I'm sorry, when you're not even on a "level" there isn't another level to go to. Thanks. Seriously bachelors, no need to say you want to take it to the next level. It's embarrassing for me and I have to mute the telly.
Another suggestion to the bachelors: don't kiss Jen's hand upon introducing yourself. And don't kiss any girl's hand when you introduce yourself. Who are you kidding? It's embarrassing to the viewer, to the girl, and to yourself. The only people who are allowed to kiss hands upon introduction are drunk elderly relatives at holiday parties. And even then it's awkward. Thanks.
The bachelors arrived in limos as usual. Not going to lie, I was hoping for a greater degree of hotness, but I'm dealing with the cards we were dealt, and I have a few faves. First, I'm loving the two virgins: Jason and Josh. What?!? Enough said. Second, love the snotty frenchman. Perfect. Third, I'm obsessed with Ben, the ski instructor. Will he replace Ian as the holder of the key to my heart? Never. But I love him, and I pledge him two children. (For you new bloggees, Ian is from "Bachelorette" Number 2. We're getting married after our liberal president, President Bush, makes it legal. Um, we're never getting married...shit!)
Who are the disasters of the night, you ask? I have plenty to offer. First, Jerry. Please refrain from carrying newly-met women down staircases. Oh, and try not to be gay. Second, David. Try to fix your acne scars. And also try not to pass out at the rose ceremony. Third, Chris, who are you kidding with your accent? Honestly. Fourth, Stu, stop obsessing over Jen. I mean, you like her, we get it. But your obsession is scaring me, and I'm nervous. Fifth, Fabrice, you french asshole. Tape your ears back. They're kinda big. (Anyone thinking Jesse Palmer??)
Okay, as it's only the first episode, I'll save plenty of bitchiness for the coming reviews. But the first rose ceremony awarded roses to:
Keith
Ryan
A.W.: Like the root beer?
Matt: From Staten Island. From us here at the Bachelor Update, we're sorry about that.
Wendell
Ryan
Mark: Surprise of the night. You're ugly.
Ben
John Paul: Wait, just so I'm sure, are you Catholic?
Jerry
Jason: Virgin Number 1
Josh: Virgin Number 2
Fabrice
Michael
Stu
There you have it folks. But you don't have all of it.
Tonight's awards:
1) First impression award: Ben. I'm obsessed with you. Feel free to teach me to "ski" any day.
2) Oxymoron award: Chris from Kentucky. Okay, a hairstylist from KY? What?!? Are you kidding?
3) Best bite-it sequence: David. Did you faint b/c of your bad skin? Your skin is very unfortunate and we all understand. Allow me to refer you to my dermatologist.
4) Gayest: Jerry. I'm sorry for you.
5) Most humiliated: Jen after being carried down the stairs by resident homo (Jerry).
6) Drunky McDougle award: Chris. See award # 2.
7) Takeyourshirtoff award: Ben. We all know you have a hot bod. Just take the shirt off and get it over with.
Until next week, adios mis amigos,
Mike, your fearless bachelorite
As nine o'clock hit, the wine glass hit my lips. Ladies and ladies (and gentlemen...ugh), "The Bachelorette" returns, and so do I. As a dear friend of mine can attest--yes, I allowed someone to watch the sacred show with me--I was giddy with excitement. And maybe a little drunk. Without further adieu, here we go.
Jen Schefft, our bachelorette, is back, bronzed, and buff. She dropped about fifteen lbs (pronouced l-bees) and looks better than ever. Okay, she still has a bit of a paunch, but she's fabulous and we love her. Her arms are toned, and her legs are amazing. Wait...do I like girls? Mmmmm, no. But still, she looks great.
First off, we love that the show takes place in my stomping ground, New York. But, ABC, why didn't you let me be on the show? I had this great idea to be a bachelor undercover. I even called the casting hotline this fall. I would have been a bachelor, Jen would have given me a rose, and then I would have come out of the closet with boas and heels and proclaimed my inner homo to Jen. The twist? I would have stayed on the show and fooled the other guys into thinking I was straight. I would have been Jen's eyes when her eyes weren't there. But ABC didn't think it was a hot idea. Whatever ABC. You could have at least given me the address of the bachelor pad so I could have hit on the 25 bachelors. (Speaking of bachelor pad, my "bachelor pad" [the notepad on which I take notes for this blog] is now completely full. I'm not kidding. I need a new bachelor pad.) But whatever, I'm over it. Oooh, I have another idea. ABC, can we do "The Gay Bachelor?" I'm newly single, and I can think of no one better to headline the sure-to-be-a-hit series.
But on to the episode. First, the corn-fed midwestern friends, Abby and Michelle, were cute. And by cute I mean bad dye-jobs and horrible outfits. But it's fine. They're Jen's friends, and we respect them.
Sidenote: I am hereby banishing the term "taking it to the next level." I'm sorry, when you're not even on a "level" there isn't another level to go to. Thanks. Seriously bachelors, no need to say you want to take it to the next level. It's embarrassing for me and I have to mute the telly.
Another suggestion to the bachelors: don't kiss Jen's hand upon introducing yourself. And don't kiss any girl's hand when you introduce yourself. Who are you kidding? It's embarrassing to the viewer, to the girl, and to yourself. The only people who are allowed to kiss hands upon introduction are drunk elderly relatives at holiday parties. And even then it's awkward. Thanks.
The bachelors arrived in limos as usual. Not going to lie, I was hoping for a greater degree of hotness, but I'm dealing with the cards we were dealt, and I have a few faves. First, I'm loving the two virgins: Jason and Josh. What?!? Enough said. Second, love the snotty frenchman. Perfect. Third, I'm obsessed with Ben, the ski instructor. Will he replace Ian as the holder of the key to my heart? Never. But I love him, and I pledge him two children. (For you new bloggees, Ian is from "Bachelorette" Number 2. We're getting married after our liberal president, President Bush, makes it legal. Um, we're never getting married...shit!)
Who are the disasters of the night, you ask? I have plenty to offer. First, Jerry. Please refrain from carrying newly-met women down staircases. Oh, and try not to be gay. Second, David. Try to fix your acne scars. And also try not to pass out at the rose ceremony. Third, Chris, who are you kidding with your accent? Honestly. Fourth, Stu, stop obsessing over Jen. I mean, you like her, we get it. But your obsession is scaring me, and I'm nervous. Fifth, Fabrice, you french asshole. Tape your ears back. They're kinda big. (Anyone thinking Jesse Palmer??)
Okay, as it's only the first episode, I'll save plenty of bitchiness for the coming reviews. But the first rose ceremony awarded roses to:
Keith
Ryan
A.W.: Like the root beer?
Matt: From Staten Island. From us here at the Bachelor Update, we're sorry about that.
Wendell
Ryan
Mark: Surprise of the night. You're ugly.
Ben
John Paul: Wait, just so I'm sure, are you Catholic?
Jerry
Jason: Virgin Number 1
Josh: Virgin Number 2
Fabrice
Michael
Stu
There you have it folks. But you don't have all of it.
Tonight's awards:
1) First impression award: Ben. I'm obsessed with you. Feel free to teach me to "ski" any day.
2) Oxymoron award: Chris from Kentucky. Okay, a hairstylist from KY? What?!? Are you kidding?
3) Best bite-it sequence: David. Did you faint b/c of your bad skin? Your skin is very unfortunate and we all understand. Allow me to refer you to my dermatologist.
4) Gayest: Jerry. I'm sorry for you.
5) Most humiliated: Jen after being carried down the stairs by resident homo (Jerry).
6) Drunky McDougle award: Chris. See award # 2.
7) Takeyourshirtoff award: Ben. We all know you have a hot bod. Just take the shirt off and get it over with.
Until next week, adios mis amigos,
Mike, your fearless bachelorite
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