Last night's episode was the famed To Bone or Not To Bone episode, in which Ali and the guys have to decide whether or not to sleep together. It's always one of my favorites, and this episode didn't let us down. I mean, it had major potential to leave us high and dry what with all the promo and promised drama from Frank (aka Crazy Pants). But ABC's repeated commercials and teasers didn't really let us down all that much. Frank is, in fact, the douche we expected him to be and he has therefore influenced a large set of women that men do, in fact, suck. I, for one, remain hopeful that men are okay at their core...but Frank ain't helping my cause.
Before the lovers fly to Tahiti to bone, we have our special time with Frank in Chicago, who is agonizing over a mysterious ex-girlfriend with whom he's fallen back in love through his feelings for Ali. Wait, what? Yes, that is what Frank says has happened. By falling for Ali (rather, by obsessing over Ali and being in love with her before he even met her), Frank has fallen for his less cute ex-girlfriend Nicole. To deal with these heavy feelings, he has decided to visit Nicole in Chicago to spend 10 minutes with her so he can decide if he should spend the rest of his life with her (the usual), or if he should keep being obsessively crazy about Ali. He stops by Nicole's apartment (hotel room paid by ABC) unannounced (announced, although Nicole certainly didn't dress for the occasion in a dumpy yellow t-shirt, but whatever), and tells Nicole that his feelings for her have come rushing back. He talks a little too much about Ali in my opinion, but after five minutes with Nicole, he decides to spend his life with her. Barf. I'm officially over Frank, although I certainly was never under him. What is this guy? And who does he think he is? More importantly, why does Ali actually like him? More on that later.
Back in Tahiti, Ali's first date is with a very sweaty Roberto. I'd lay into him more about this, but I know I'd be just as sweaty as him if I were in a tropical venue with cameras all over me, so I'll be kind of nice here. But dude did have major pit stains and sweat dribbles the ENTIRE episode. Must be his Latino heat. The date starts with, surprise, a helicopter. The copter deposits the lovebirds on a private island with a heart-shaped (I'll use that term loosely) lagoon. They swim, frolick, and make out heavily in the water. Later, at dinner, Roberto opens up a bit through the sweat, and tells Ali that he's falling in love with her. My favorite part, though? The fact that Roberto seems genuinely surprised at the inevitable Fantasy Suite offer from Chris Harrison. My cohort on the couch last night thought the same. It's so funny how on The Bachelor, all the girls know what's coming and half the time they don't even read the note. The Bachelorette, however, is full of dudes who don't watch trashy TV (wait, what?) and are genuinely surprised that they get to bone--I mean, spend the night with--Ali. Roberto chooses to bone.
The next day, Ali meets Chris. After one of the more successful home visits the week before, we're all anxiously awaiting a good date. Their date begins with a boat ride to another private island. The boat drops them at sea, and the lovers make their way to shore....wearing Aquasocks. At first I thought Chris just made a horrible wardrobe choice, but then I saw they were both wearing unfortunate footwear, and I decided ABC made them do it. Phew! At one point during the date I freaked out and wondered to myself, "Is Chris boring?" but then he saved himself by being cute, honest, and confessing his love to Ali. He came outta nowhere with that one. Who would have thought that shy little Chris would be the most profuse expresser of love? Loved it. Chris also chooses to bone.
Lastly, Frank shows up looking like a mess and chats with Dr. Chris about his re-discovered love for unfortunate Nicole back home. After some paternal advice from Chris, it's Frank's turn to have a date with Ali. Oh wait, no date today because he gone and fell back in love with someone else even though he was crazy about Ali since day one or before. Ugh...stupid Frank. Ali arrives to Frank's bungalow excited to see him (and oddly convinced he's staying around to meet her family, as she later confessed). But hold up...Frank needs to talk. A very stunned Ali is heartbroken as she hears Frank tell her of this mystery chick he's never once mentioned before. I mean, really Frank? Everyone mentions their past loves on this show. Why didn't you? Jackass. Frank tells Ali that he's in love with Nicole and he's leaving the show. What I'm most surprised about here is Ali's reaction and that she actually, really liked him. Poor Ali. But better to know now, right?
My favorite quotes were these:
Ali: "I gave up everything to be here."
Frank: "I gave up everything too."
Ali: "Apparently not everything."
Two points for Ali. And scene.
At the rose ceremony, Ali chooses Chris and sweaty Roberto (duh), but insists they choose her back and actually accept the rose, as opposed to just being given the rose. Cute.
Good riddance to sweater-folding Frank.
Tonight's awards.
1) Douchebag: Frank
2) Sweatiest: Roberto
3) Most cryptic description of why Frank wasn't at the rose ceremony before she gave roses to Chris and Roberto: Ali. Those poor guys had no idea what was going on!
4) Predicted winner: Roberto?
Until two weeks from now (lord knows I ain't blogging the Bitches Tell All episode from the Cape),
Mike
P.S. To tide you over in my absence, you should all watch THIS AMAZING VIDEO. It's unbeweaveable.
