Are you ready for this mess? It's pretty simple: this season was the worst. As was this episode. There's nothing like a tatted-up overly-critical sister to bring a man down, and that's exactly what happened tonight.
You'd think Fiji was an amazing place until you saw Ashley's family there. Nothing like a sweaty brother wearing a shark's tooth necklace to bring a bro down. Add a ridiculous amount of sweat into the equation and you're done for. Dude was toweling off on camera throughout the episode. Pair him with his Nascar-loving dad and bad-dye-job mom, and the family was a mess. And don't even get me started on the sister. She says she's the rational one? I'd love for her to explain the rationale in covering every square inch of her upper body in bad-taste tattoos. Yup, I said it. Really? An Asian woman on your upper arm? No thank you.
The first family meet-up was with JP. A sweaty JP got to meet a very sweaty family on the very sweaty lawn of their private cottage. Whomever produced this episode was either 1) brilliant or 2) blind. Why show each and every wiping of the sweat from the brow/boobs/neck throughout the entire date? (Too make us drink faster during our impromptu drinking game, thankyouverymuch.) A sweaty JP is questioned quite heavily from Ashley's tatted up (like tattoos from head to toe) sister. The one that ruined it all: "Does he make you laugh?" asked the horrible sister. To which Ashley can't fathom a response. From there on out, Sister Tats McGee was over it and over JP. She let him know, too. She told him that Ashley was more into Brad last season than she was into him, and she told Ashley the same. Cue the tears (and cue Reason To Drink #2 in our drinking game). In the words of Evil Sister: "You're too much for him," to which Ashley states that "He's better for me" (than Ben). Later, during some one-on-one time, Ashley's sister and JP sit down to chat further. Amy Winehouse (I mean her sister) says that JP is too serious for Ashley and we all have decided Sister is obnoxious and horrible and jealous. Ugh...the only good part about this date was when Ashley's sister made her cry (which we, once again, drank to). Anyone see where Ashley's insecurity comes from? Done and done.
The next date--oddly later the same day--was with Ben. A sweaty Ben meets her same dumb family. Luckily they're inside this time...but it doesn't stop poor Ben from sweating profusely. There is very little remarkable about this date besides: 1) Ben re-confirming the fact that he always dresses well; 2) Ashley's brother looks like a sweaty k.d. lang; and 3) when Ben and Ashley demonstrated their talking-to-their-dog voices, I drank an entire bottle of wine. Ashley's sister was way nicer to her; and--in turn--Ashley was totally weird and pretending she was funny and silly with Ben when in fact she was just stupid and dumb and trying to impress her family.
Later, she has her final date with Ben during which she is totally over him and he overtly expresses his love for her. She closed-mouth kisses him and it's amazingly horrible. I'll drink to that. Poor Ben...
Next, she has her last date with JP. He's totally over the fact that her family completely hated him, but he tells her he loves her and gives her a completely unoriginal producer-made photo album. We all collectively barf...but then we barf more when Ashley leaves the date without boning him. What?!? Seriously? Maybe it's because we all know who she's choosing and she knows she has a lifetime (or a month) of boning ahead of her.
So...yeah...
At the rose ceremony, Horrible Ashley gets a visit from the well-dressed Ben first. He gets down on one knee and proposes. What's horrible about this is the fact that Ashley let him get this far knowing she was going to say no. Poor guy gets dumped. But his reaction is amazing and dignified. We love him. We hate Ashley for letting him get to the point of getting on one knee when she knew she wasn't going to choose him. She just confirmed her horrifitude (made that word up, yes).
Next, JP shows up in his awfully-textured black tux to propose to a stupid Ashley who says yes even though neither of them are sure of this. Surprise! It's the end of another horrible season and we're promised a break-up and tear-filled TV special in the very near future (which will be coincidentally timed perfectly with the start of another Bachelor season). Sidenote: I didn't even see the proposal because I was too entertained by the reaction of my friends with whom I watched this far-too-long season.
Awards:
1) Worst underscore EVER: "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore," by REO Speedwagon during the proposal and its aftermath. If you were wondering what 80s power ballad had the cheapest music rights, now you know. Really? Really...this actually happened.
2) Best Dressed: Ben. All season long. The world has a collective crush on you.
3) Most dignified: Ben. We heart you and your perfectly hipster-meets-prep personal style. See you next season when you're the Bachelor.
Until never,
Mike
P.S. I can't even get started on the "After the Final Rose Special." There wasn't enough wine...even though there was and I drank two bottles on my own over the course of this train-wreck of a night. What? Yes.
