Please tell me I wasn’t the only one with a racing heart in the opening moments of the show. Seriously. Has my live devolved into this? Do I really live for Monday nights during which I can see “real” people “fall in love” on national television in a series of well-planned-out scenarios? Who am I kidding? Of course this is my life. And I love it.
It’s the night we’ve been living for for the last few months: tonight is the finale of Bachelor, Officer and a Gentleman (writing that makes me laugh a little bit). It’s the OG’s big night, so let’s put on our party dresses and get to business. (For those of you who have seen me in a dress…you know how good I look right now.) And then ABC throws more of the “Love lift us up where we belong” in our faces, and I vomit.
The show officially begins back on Lancaster, PA, Andy’s hometown. The all-American colonial house is just too all-American for me, but it’s fine. Then we meet the family who seem to happily inhabit the all-American home and all-American lifestyle, in their farmhouse-chic décor. OK, “chic” is a bit generous, let’s be honest. Upon meeting the family, I’m not really sure where Andy’s good looks come from…I’m just sayin’.
Tessa arrives first, and Andy totally lights up. Sidenote: the Mom-Future-Daughter-in-Law hug reveals Andy’s mom’s butterfly clip in her hair…not cute. From the get go, the family sits her down and grills her. Sidenote #2: Tessa’s shirt is horrendous. It might possibly match the “farmhouse-chic” thing the Baldwin’s have going on. At lunch we hear about Andy’s parents meeting at the Cornell library. Grandpa asks Tessa about her religion, it’s uncomfortable, but then we turn to Tessa’s career in social work, and then to her life in five years. Worst question ever. What would I say? Clearly I’ll be famous, but what else?
Andy’s red-headed sister gets to the dirt and asks Tessa about her feelings for Andy, her intentions, and her desire to move and continue the relationship. Besides the sister’s eye make-up, it was cute. Overall the first meeting of the parents went well, and Tessa is on her way.
A couple hours later, Bevin arrives to Farmtown, USA, and the family is forced to eat another large meal together. I’m totally not a fan of having the families meet the two girls on the same day, but, then again, I’m also not a fan of Bevin. So who cares? Bevin arrives, looking cute, and the evening begins. Sidenote #3: How much do we love the silent grandma’s velour track suit? I’m just dying!
Bevin begins talking about her work, and then she launches into her studies regarding libido and sexual dysfunction, and Grandpa gets a bit worried. Then she talks about her Bahai faith, and, well, it didn’t go over too well. The family then catches on to the fact that they have a physical connection, but is that all? Mom is super intuitive and calls Andy out on the fact that he is justifying his feelings for Bevin. I love it! I don’t love Mom’s sweater. But let’s get back to Grandma’s track suit.
After dinner, Bevin opens up more and laughs quite a bit while chatting with the family and looking at slides of Andy as a child with an outty (sp?) belly button. Wait…does Andy really like her? And with that, she heads home.
Overall, I actually felt like Bevin fared a little better meeting the family, but the jury’s still out.
Now, on to Family Time. Mom goes back into intuitive mode, and I love it. Totally love that she sees that Andy thrives off Bevin being crazy for him. Grandpa brings up the point that Tessa is a bit guarded, because he likes her more. Then Grandpa says Andy is “turned on” by Bevin, and I’m embarrassed. Grandpa is totally pushing Tessa, and it’s cute. No one in the family has serious issues with either woman, though, and it leaves Andy in a pickle.
Back in Hawaii, the last dates begin. Bevin joins Andy in Oahu, and the heat is on. Is Andy able to see a life with her? Or does he just want one last bone session? No time to worry too much, because they’re getting in a helicopter and Bevin starts giggling and making weird noises. Basically she needs to shut up. No one wants to spend their life with a cackling, bumbling idiot. Shhhh…
Up in the air, she squeaks some more as they fly over the Hawaiian coast. It’s romantic after she shuts up. Then the two go on a nature hike, and he grills her a bit. “Would you be happy here with me?” he asks. Tough one to answer, admittedly, but she does her best. In typical bachelor fashion, he can reassure her because that’s how the show rolls. Then he makes her put herself more out on the line by saying, “I want to hear you say this is what you want.” So not fair. But whatever.
The night begins with the two on a veranda and Andy says, “I’m in frickin’ love.” I’m sorry, WHAT?!?!? I just don’t have energy to analyze this statement right now because I need more wine. They make out for 82 hours. Bevin gives him a present which includes a sweet card and a horrifically ugly watch. I was expecting so much more. G String anyone? Then Bevin says, “I love you,” in a disgustingly cheesy way. And I hate it. You can’t pull out “I love you” just to try to win. Wait, is this a first? And then he says, “I LOVE YOU TOO.” WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’m ill. This is just too much. The producers must have been DYING. Holy balls, Andy apparently likes Bevin. But is this all a ploy? We haven’t seen Tessa now for the past 44 minutes (I counted), so there must be something spicy in the future between Andy and his beloved Tessa.
Sidenote #4 (during commercial break). Let’s talk about the pocket gay (mini-gay) at my gym what was wearing a Project Runway (hit Bravo show) t-shirt this evening. It was just too much.
Finally, 49 minutes later, Tessa comes back to Andy. They go horseback riding on the beach, and I’m a bit worried about Tessa falling out of her low-cut shirt, but it’s not really my problem. After a fun ride, they happen upon a beach scene with blanket and water toys all laid out. How did that happen? After a sunset swim, I think Andy is back on track with his feelings for Tessa. It’s probably beer-induced, but what isn’t alcohol-induced on this show? Sometimes I want to move into the bachelor, as if it were a house or something. Just think: endless drinks, tasty food, and lots of make outs. Heaven, anyone? (Again, whomever feels the need to nominate me to be the next bachelor, I’m totally game. Or at least let me be a contestant on the Bachelorette.)
During a romantic room-service dinner, they get to the heart of the issue at hand. He asks big questions, she gives big answers. He has big biceps, she has…big cheeks? Anyway, it gets a bit cuter because she gives him a little gift. Not only is her wrapping better than Bevin's, her love note is cuter (although awkwardly read by Andy), and so is her present. She “doesn’t want to go back to the life she was living before [she] met [him]” and he likes that. She also tells him she loves him. Tessa totally opens up for the first time, and he kisses her. Then he says, “I love you Tessa,” back! Okay, he is a dick or something. You can’t say that twice in a row. The present, by the way, is a cute collage of pictures and memories. “I freakin’ love you…that’s so awesome” says our studied doctor. Wow, has he ever got a way with words! Although it was less steamy than his date with Bevin, he is always more drawn to Tessa’s coy and very real character.
Then, it’s the day we’ve been waiting for. But we can’t get to the big moment without a good 30 minutes of montage: cheesy, deep-in-thought shots of Andy and the two women all alone, pondering their respective futures in the serenity that is Hawaii. It’s basically cinematic genius, and it touches all our hearts. Oh, we also got some good shots of the two remaining ladies crying and talking about their feelings.
And then…it’s on to the final rose ceremony.
Andy positions himself in his ocean-front proposal spot, and awaits the two women. My heart is racing like I just finished spin class. But spinning ended at 7:15pm, so this is all Bachelor-induced.
Bevin arrives first. I’m nervous. And then (you guys, my heart is SERIOUSLY racing) he breaks up with her while starting to cry. Before he says it, she knows it’s over. Wait, it’s a little bit sad. And then he smudges her eye make up to make it look like he punched her in the face. She’s not having it. She has nothing to say, and he is totally torn up about it. Holy awkward and uncomfortable. I can bet you 82 bucks that walk to the limo was Andy’s least favorite part so far. He says, “I will never forget you.” Really? Like it’s even a possibility that you would? And then Bevin has her camera time while weeping.
Andy then has to pull it together. Does anyone else wonder how much time he has between heart-break and proposal? I’m totally curious. 10 minutes? Two hours? Enough time to quickly swim/bike/run an Ironman? Most likely the latter, seeing as we’re dealing with an Officer and a Gentleman here.
Then he awaits his “wish come true” to arrive. Tessa approaches Andy hesitantly, and Andy gets right to the point. Or…well…he gives her a speech of sorts first, and then he gets on one knee. She cries, he talks some more, and asks her to marry him! She says yes! It’s a miracle. (Page Six, you suck. How dare you say she doesn’t say yes!)
And…well, “Love lifts us up where we belong.” And up comes my dinner.
Until next season!
Mike
p.s. Why the last scene with Tessa wearing the dog tags? Why?
Monday, May 21, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
To Bone or Not to Bone
How excited were we at the beginning? It’s the best episode of the season. One-on-one dates, romantic evenings, and the inevitable first night together (is anyone else remembering the moans we heard from Tina Fabulous and Andrew Firestone a few seasons back?). ABC has since censored the explicit details, but the To Bone or Not to Bone episode is still a keeper.
First things first. Andy looks like a nerd in his Navy outfit. He has no butt, and his misshaped chest is accentuated by his Navy whites. But whatever, the Navy keeps us safe and it’s fun looking at his white boxers through his white pants.
Before the boning begins, Andy welcomes the girls to Hawaii and shows the remaining hoes Pearl Harbor and bits and pieces of American history. One by one, he parades the girls in front of tourists, and it’s awkward. Then, Tessa arrives, and he introduces her to a five-year-old redhead as his “girlfriend” while they toss flowers into the water to commemorate the dead. Hmmm…who does he like most? I’ll let you guess.
The first date starts with the best: Tessa. OG brings Tessa to Kauai for some fast-paced zip-lining action. All I can think about is Bible-beater teen camps, but it’s fine. I had fun at those, and I was amazing at the zip line…until my swimsuit came off in the lake. It’s fine; I’m over it. Tessa and Andy have good times on the zip line, and they kiss while wearing their silly hats and harnesses. Then they’re off to more outdoor adventures on a suspension bridge. During the late afternoon, they hike and have a happy hour with some fruit, wine, and some of Andy’s cheesy Hawaiian knowledge. They kiss. They kiss some more. I’m obsessed with Tessa. Then it gets cheesier and I get nervous and look away from the TV because he calls her “goofy.”
Wearing a horrifying white blazer, Andy greets Tessa for the evening portion of their romantic day together. Tessa looks cute, and they share love talk on a hammock together. Tessa opens up, Andy loves it, he almost proposes. Not really…but really. He’s smitten. [For real though, is anyone else goobed out by Andy when he talks sometimes?] Then they eat sushi and whatever and fall more in love and whatever. Then he pulls out the “To Bone or Not to Bone” note like it’s some surprise. I mean…
He puts the Fantasy Suite on the table, and she accepts. ABC totally led us to think there was drama to be had, but no. Tessa wanted it and so did Andy. During a desserty-type thing, Tessa opens up more and basically admits she’s falling in love with him. The inevitable shirtless/swimsuit bathtub scene ensues. And maybe more…
On the previews for the next two dates, we’re reminded of Andy’s Adonis-like body. It’s great and all, but I’m not into the fact that he clearly shaves his chest. I just have no time for that type of manscaping. Embrace your man hair. It’s hot. Chests were not meant to be shaved. Backs, however? Wax that mess before I barf. [Lesson of the Day: How do I know he shaves his chest? As a student of the male form, one must analyze all parts of the bod to know whether or not chest hair exists. Andy’s hairy arms give it away, in this instance.]
Date two. Danielle and Andy on an ocean catamaran. He pretends he’s happy at the beginning, but we all know he misses Tessa. Then the dolphins arrive and it’s fun. Andy is wearing Ray-Bans and it’s awesome. Is it just me, or does she feel like a sister, not a girlfriend? No time to waste debating this, because shirts quickly come off as they swim and make out while donning snorkels. “Snorkels” and “make out” shouldn’t be in the same sentence, but that’s just me. I also hope that make outs won’t be associated with sisters, so let’s just say they’re not brother and sister.
At dinner Andy surprises Danielle with a psychic reader. Psychic lady speaks in a pseudo-psychic accent and it’s annoying. Then she brings up her old boyfriend. Apparently Danielle hasn’t let go of him. Then the psychic tells Andy to think about how love would decide versus how fear would decide when it comes to the impending engagement. Deep. Profound. Stupid.
Then (surprise!) the “To Bone” note comes out and they spend the night together in a suite that is fantastic.
The last date reunites Bevin and Andy on yet another Hawaiian outdoor adventure. On the slate today: is there more than a physical connection between the two lovebirds? To find that out, he takes her kayaking down a dirty river and swimming in a dirty waterfall. She’s wearing a stupid newsie cap. They hike through the rainforest, and their conversation is predictably awkward. Andy feels “electricity in his soul” when he’s with Bevin and that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Then they jump in the waterfall and make out in the dirty water. E. Coli anyone? I certainly hope not. Oh, and Bevin has gross tattoos that I’m completely not into. Then Andy tells her that he “saved the best for last” since she’s the last of the three dates. Not nice. Totally the wrong thing to say.
The evening portion is a private luau. They dance like idiots. And then they have serious talk about her shady past. The fantasy suite bone fest happens next. They pretend they’re going to talk about themselves more in hopes of building a relationship, but they totally realize the “passion” they share. Bevin gets interviewed and she says she loves him. Stressful.
Before the rose ceremony Andy has his ABC-director-induced stressfest about who he’s going to choose. Thus his best friend arrives to talk him off the ledge. Wait for it. Friend’s name: Gatsby?!?!?! Is he kidding? Were his parents kidding? Were they obsessed with raising a moneyed disaster from a fictional town on Long Island? I can’t. The two boys discuss the relative merits of the three girls and Gatsby imparts the profundity of life to Andy. So sweet. But seriously…Gatsby? It’s just too much. Am I seriously referring to a real human being as “Gatsby?”
The Hawaiian rose ceremony is stressful. Tessa and Bevin wear bright colors and Danielle wears black. Is this a hint of things to come?
Yes.
Roses go to Bevin and Tessa.
Danielle goes home in her black dress. I saw it coming from a mile away, but then I got nervous at the last second. But of course I remember that true love always prevails on The Bachelor. Ha!
Awards
1) Worst body art: Bevin’s. Not cute. Tattoo removal anyone?
2) Worst manscaping: Andy’s. Don’t shave your man business. Your chest would be hotter with chest hair…and maybe we wouldn’t notice your malformation as much.
3) Worst goodbye speech: Andy’s words to Danielle. It just sucked. But I loved his tears and she drove away.
4) Most dignified goodbye: Danielle’s. Totally strong. Good for her.
Until next week (season finale!!!),
Mike
p.s. I'm already preparing myself for a huge heartbreak because we all know who I want him to choose.
First things first. Andy looks like a nerd in his Navy outfit. He has no butt, and his misshaped chest is accentuated by his Navy whites. But whatever, the Navy keeps us safe and it’s fun looking at his white boxers through his white pants.
Before the boning begins, Andy welcomes the girls to Hawaii and shows the remaining hoes Pearl Harbor and bits and pieces of American history. One by one, he parades the girls in front of tourists, and it’s awkward. Then, Tessa arrives, and he introduces her to a five-year-old redhead as his “girlfriend” while they toss flowers into the water to commemorate the dead. Hmmm…who does he like most? I’ll let you guess.
The first date starts with the best: Tessa. OG brings Tessa to Kauai for some fast-paced zip-lining action. All I can think about is Bible-beater teen camps, but it’s fine. I had fun at those, and I was amazing at the zip line…until my swimsuit came off in the lake. It’s fine; I’m over it. Tessa and Andy have good times on the zip line, and they kiss while wearing their silly hats and harnesses. Then they’re off to more outdoor adventures on a suspension bridge. During the late afternoon, they hike and have a happy hour with some fruit, wine, and some of Andy’s cheesy Hawaiian knowledge. They kiss. They kiss some more. I’m obsessed with Tessa. Then it gets cheesier and I get nervous and look away from the TV because he calls her “goofy.”
Wearing a horrifying white blazer, Andy greets Tessa for the evening portion of their romantic day together. Tessa looks cute, and they share love talk on a hammock together. Tessa opens up, Andy loves it, he almost proposes. Not really…but really. He’s smitten. [For real though, is anyone else goobed out by Andy when he talks sometimes?] Then they eat sushi and whatever and fall more in love and whatever. Then he pulls out the “To Bone or Not to Bone” note like it’s some surprise. I mean…
He puts the Fantasy Suite on the table, and she accepts. ABC totally led us to think there was drama to be had, but no. Tessa wanted it and so did Andy. During a desserty-type thing, Tessa opens up more and basically admits she’s falling in love with him. The inevitable shirtless/swimsuit bathtub scene ensues. And maybe more…
On the previews for the next two dates, we’re reminded of Andy’s Adonis-like body. It’s great and all, but I’m not into the fact that he clearly shaves his chest. I just have no time for that type of manscaping. Embrace your man hair. It’s hot. Chests were not meant to be shaved. Backs, however? Wax that mess before I barf. [Lesson of the Day: How do I know he shaves his chest? As a student of the male form, one must analyze all parts of the bod to know whether or not chest hair exists. Andy’s hairy arms give it away, in this instance.]
Date two. Danielle and Andy on an ocean catamaran. He pretends he’s happy at the beginning, but we all know he misses Tessa. Then the dolphins arrive and it’s fun. Andy is wearing Ray-Bans and it’s awesome. Is it just me, or does she feel like a sister, not a girlfriend? No time to waste debating this, because shirts quickly come off as they swim and make out while donning snorkels. “Snorkels” and “make out” shouldn’t be in the same sentence, but that’s just me. I also hope that make outs won’t be associated with sisters, so let’s just say they’re not brother and sister.
At dinner Andy surprises Danielle with a psychic reader. Psychic lady speaks in a pseudo-psychic accent and it’s annoying. Then she brings up her old boyfriend. Apparently Danielle hasn’t let go of him. Then the psychic tells Andy to think about how love would decide versus how fear would decide when it comes to the impending engagement. Deep. Profound. Stupid.
Then (surprise!) the “To Bone” note comes out and they spend the night together in a suite that is fantastic.
The last date reunites Bevin and Andy on yet another Hawaiian outdoor adventure. On the slate today: is there more than a physical connection between the two lovebirds? To find that out, he takes her kayaking down a dirty river and swimming in a dirty waterfall. She’s wearing a stupid newsie cap. They hike through the rainforest, and their conversation is predictably awkward. Andy feels “electricity in his soul” when he’s with Bevin and that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Then they jump in the waterfall and make out in the dirty water. E. Coli anyone? I certainly hope not. Oh, and Bevin has gross tattoos that I’m completely not into. Then Andy tells her that he “saved the best for last” since she’s the last of the three dates. Not nice. Totally the wrong thing to say.
The evening portion is a private luau. They dance like idiots. And then they have serious talk about her shady past. The fantasy suite bone fest happens next. They pretend they’re going to talk about themselves more in hopes of building a relationship, but they totally realize the “passion” they share. Bevin gets interviewed and she says she loves him. Stressful.
Before the rose ceremony Andy has his ABC-director-induced stressfest about who he’s going to choose. Thus his best friend arrives to talk him off the ledge. Wait for it. Friend’s name: Gatsby?!?!?! Is he kidding? Were his parents kidding? Were they obsessed with raising a moneyed disaster from a fictional town on Long Island? I can’t. The two boys discuss the relative merits of the three girls and Gatsby imparts the profundity of life to Andy. So sweet. But seriously…Gatsby? It’s just too much. Am I seriously referring to a real human being as “Gatsby?”
The Hawaiian rose ceremony is stressful. Tessa and Bevin wear bright colors and Danielle wears black. Is this a hint of things to come?
Yes.
Roses go to Bevin and Tessa.
Danielle goes home in her black dress. I saw it coming from a mile away, but then I got nervous at the last second. But of course I remember that true love always prevails on The Bachelor. Ha!
Awards
1) Worst body art: Bevin’s. Not cute. Tattoo removal anyone?
2) Worst manscaping: Andy’s. Don’t shave your man business. Your chest would be hotter with chest hair…and maybe we wouldn’t notice your malformation as much.
3) Worst goodbye speech: Andy’s words to Danielle. It just sucked. But I loved his tears and she drove away.
4) Most dignified goodbye: Danielle’s. Totally strong. Good for her.
Until next week (season finale!!!),
Mike
p.s. I'm already preparing myself for a huge heartbreak because we all know who I want him to choose.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Amber causing trouble back at home...
From a devoted reader in the field...
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5283072
Amber is causing her principal major job drama!
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5283072
Amber is causing her principal major job drama!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Not all families are created equal.
Good lord, the year-long intro profiling OG’s feelings about each of the Final Four was enough to make me pour another glass of wine. I’m not gonna lie, I was excited to see the drama. We all know that tonight’s episode is full of inevitably awkward and mutable moments, so let’s get to the drama STAT! (Am I the only one remembering Jen’s crazy, gun-pulling dad from last season? Glad that romance lasted…) Hold on…another sip of wine…and we’re off.
The first hometown date finds Andy arriving to Seattle to meet up with Bevin, the woman with whom he feels an electric “current.” What? Let’s not confuse her shady past with an electric current. But wait, he says “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Oh great, now I’m vomiting up the wine I just drank. I wasted all that money on Two Buck Chuck for this?!?
Alright, girlfriend has a secret. She tells us about her former marriage when she was a trashy teen. Love me some teenage love! His reaction: weirded out, but diplomatic as always. Let us not forget that he is an Officer and a Gentleman after all. Am I the only one thinking she left out some juicy deets, though? Why did they get married? How old was she? How many months along was she when they got hitched? All questions to which I need answers.
[Sidenote: Ty Pennington was arrested?!?!?!?!? The news clips during the commercials just alerted me to this ever-important info. What, did he assault someone with his megaphone on the set of “Extreme Home Makeover”?? I can’t.]
Back to the issue at hand. Bevin and her teen angsty love history meets Mr. Perfect. OG brings flowers and coffee to the moms as he arrives to her dad’s lakefront home. Andy certainly fits in with the house full of blonds…I kinda feel like he’s everyone’s big brother. That could lead to grossness, but whatever. It’s totally easy-going and chill, which is very nice. Her real mom gives him a painting (nice, actually), and it’s a cute date.
Dad cuts to the chase. He asks Bevin to her face if she loves him. Stressful? Then they both cry and I barf again. At least this show is turning into a weight-loss method. Then Andy leaves and hugs everyone and it’s cute. Date one yields no mutable, uncomfortable moments. On to the next.
Stop #2 is Connecticut with Danielle. Their split-level house makes me just think they’re nice. The two dogs are cute too. Wait…she lives at HOME?!? Oh no…not good. Not okay. The girls cook dinner while Andy talks to her dad who looks like a serial killer. But he seems pretty nice when he talks about her nice mom, so maybe he hasn’t gone on a killing rampage. Only time will tell, I guess. Dinner chatter revolves around relationships, moving to Hawaii, and cheesy fate talk.
Then Dad plays the drums. Weird, but slightly cute. Mom then teaches belly dancing. If he had been naked, it would have been hotter, but whatever. Okay, then I realize the family is really cute. Dad doesn’t kill people, and he actually hugs OG at the door. Cute. Wow…two dates down, nothing to mute yet? What’s happening? More wine, please.
The third date finds us in DC with Tessa and Andy. Okay, I like Tessa, so let’s hope this goes well.
[Sidenote 2: Did anyone else see the Mother’s Day JCPenney ad chronicling the life of a girl to teen to wife to mom with her mom following the whole time? I almost teared up.]
The snow-filled DC Mall finds Tessa and OG reunited. Andy shows his true colors, I think, and I totally love it. Cheeseball, goofy, cute. They play in the snow about it. Then they go home to the cute DC row house and meet the fam and her best friend. Super fun, loud, cool. Totally cute. Also love that they drink beer.
Tessa leaves to change clothes, and her sister, friend and Dad get to know him a bit by putting him in the hot-seat. Andy reveals his “faults” as not being able to sing and not being able to cook. Okay, open up a bit more, OG. You’re being grilled; you need to oblige. Samantha, the friend, sees that he avoids tough questions. Perceptive friend indeed! They make him nervous, and I like that.
They continue to grill him at dinner, and it makes me a bit nervous. Okay, first nervous moment of the show for me. The boys excuse themselves to do dishes, and the women have girl talk. Dad possibly screws up Tessa’s chances by saying Tessa went on the show for “fun.” OG, being a serious serviceman gets nervous, and sits the family down and grills them in return. He’s totally a mess about it because he likes her most and he feels he’s getting messed with. He’s totally stressed out. Like legitimately upset about it. He tells her that she is “across the board, so incredible.” He totally almost said, “across the board, the one I like most,” but he’s an Officer and a Gentleman, so he holds back. At this point, I feel like dorky Andy is the most legit of all bachelors. Like totally invested and emotional about this, and taking it seriously. He tells her he wants to fall in love with her. This is totally a first!! He likes the chase, I think. Don’t we all? (Did I just reveal too much?)
The final date brings us to Texas! We all know I love me some Texas. Not necessarily cookie-cutter-Sugar-Land-ish-suburbia-no-family-support Texas, but whatever. It’s Amber’s turn, and we’re all excited for the drama to come. Will her parents disappoint us? Will this be a Bachelor first? Does she have a family at all? Is she a homeless, family-less, 23-year-old disaster? Only time will tell. Andy meets Amber (Andy and Amber? Ewww…not a cute ring to it. Feels very sixth-grade roller skating party to me.) at her school. The kiddies then come to her class to meet her. It’s totally cute…especially when they talk about how he likes their teacher. Cute. He calls her “pretty” and “nice” and he talks to them like they’re in a special class. That’s sounds mean, but he acted dumb.
Wait, so now I feel bad. Is Amber really family-less? Her parents aren’t supportive, so she’s using her aunt and uncle as stand-ins. They don’t come through either…and it’s awkward and weird. Mute? She’s embarrassed, because she knows that this is a total deal-breaker. No family, no in-laws, no nothin’. Andy makes her feel way better, because he’s nice like that.
The not-gonna-last happy couple then go to Amber’s apartment to meet her scary-spice roommate. The stupid little dog and her roommate meet the couple. Um, her roommate might be a little stupid too. BTW, I HATE little yippy dogs…I felt bad for Andy having to listen to that mess.
Then, surprise of the night, her aunt comes over to save the day! Andy was so cute and happy to meet her, and Amber is happy. Everything is so happy. But she lives with her sorority sister friend and she has an unsupportive family. Not into it. Her roommate says, in Texas fashion, “Y’all are meant to be.” Er not. To me, this was a big bust. Amber’s sweet, she’s 23, I wish her luck. And to her parents, buck up! Support your daughter and don’t make her look like a fool on national TV.
The rose ceremony is brief. OG gets right to business.
1) Tessa (yes!)
2) Bevin
3) Danielle
And Amber goes home because her family sucks. Amber says she doesn’t understand, but let’s be honest. Amber, sit back and think about the date you had. No family, dumb dog, silly roommate, the list goes on…But, she puts him in his place when he says her age was an issue since he said it wasn’t in some sordid hot tub scene. It was a prolonged break-up, and I started sweating. It was super awkward and no fun to watch. Especially when she talks about their life she imagined. L
Awards:
1) Worst dog: Amber’s…and her roommate a little bit since she looks like a canine as well.
2) Biggest disappointment: Amber’s family. I mean…
3) Future legal team of the century: Tessa’s family and their 82 questions.
Until next week...Hawaii! An episode I like to call “To Bone, or Not to Bone.”
Mike
The first hometown date finds Andy arriving to Seattle to meet up with Bevin, the woman with whom he feels an electric “current.” What? Let’s not confuse her shady past with an electric current. But wait, he says “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Oh great, now I’m vomiting up the wine I just drank. I wasted all that money on Two Buck Chuck for this?!?
Alright, girlfriend has a secret. She tells us about her former marriage when she was a trashy teen. Love me some teenage love! His reaction: weirded out, but diplomatic as always. Let us not forget that he is an Officer and a Gentleman after all. Am I the only one thinking she left out some juicy deets, though? Why did they get married? How old was she? How many months along was she when they got hitched? All questions to which I need answers.
[Sidenote: Ty Pennington was arrested?!?!?!?!? The news clips during the commercials just alerted me to this ever-important info. What, did he assault someone with his megaphone on the set of “Extreme Home Makeover”?? I can’t.]
Back to the issue at hand. Bevin and her teen angsty love history meets Mr. Perfect. OG brings flowers and coffee to the moms as he arrives to her dad’s lakefront home. Andy certainly fits in with the house full of blonds…I kinda feel like he’s everyone’s big brother. That could lead to grossness, but whatever. It’s totally easy-going and chill, which is very nice. Her real mom gives him a painting (nice, actually), and it’s a cute date.
Dad cuts to the chase. He asks Bevin to her face if she loves him. Stressful? Then they both cry and I barf again. At least this show is turning into a weight-loss method. Then Andy leaves and hugs everyone and it’s cute. Date one yields no mutable, uncomfortable moments. On to the next.
Stop #2 is Connecticut with Danielle. Their split-level house makes me just think they’re nice. The two dogs are cute too. Wait…she lives at HOME?!? Oh no…not good. Not okay. The girls cook dinner while Andy talks to her dad who looks like a serial killer. But he seems pretty nice when he talks about her nice mom, so maybe he hasn’t gone on a killing rampage. Only time will tell, I guess. Dinner chatter revolves around relationships, moving to Hawaii, and cheesy fate talk.
Then Dad plays the drums. Weird, but slightly cute. Mom then teaches belly dancing. If he had been naked, it would have been hotter, but whatever. Okay, then I realize the family is really cute. Dad doesn’t kill people, and he actually hugs OG at the door. Cute. Wow…two dates down, nothing to mute yet? What’s happening? More wine, please.
The third date finds us in DC with Tessa and Andy. Okay, I like Tessa, so let’s hope this goes well.
[Sidenote 2: Did anyone else see the Mother’s Day JCPenney ad chronicling the life of a girl to teen to wife to mom with her mom following the whole time? I almost teared up.]
The snow-filled DC Mall finds Tessa and OG reunited. Andy shows his true colors, I think, and I totally love it. Cheeseball, goofy, cute. They play in the snow about it. Then they go home to the cute DC row house and meet the fam and her best friend. Super fun, loud, cool. Totally cute. Also love that they drink beer.
Tessa leaves to change clothes, and her sister, friend and Dad get to know him a bit by putting him in the hot-seat. Andy reveals his “faults” as not being able to sing and not being able to cook. Okay, open up a bit more, OG. You’re being grilled; you need to oblige. Samantha, the friend, sees that he avoids tough questions. Perceptive friend indeed! They make him nervous, and I like that.
They continue to grill him at dinner, and it makes me a bit nervous. Okay, first nervous moment of the show for me. The boys excuse themselves to do dishes, and the women have girl talk. Dad possibly screws up Tessa’s chances by saying Tessa went on the show for “fun.” OG, being a serious serviceman gets nervous, and sits the family down and grills them in return. He’s totally a mess about it because he likes her most and he feels he’s getting messed with. He’s totally stressed out. Like legitimately upset about it. He tells her that she is “across the board, so incredible.” He totally almost said, “across the board, the one I like most,” but he’s an Officer and a Gentleman, so he holds back. At this point, I feel like dorky Andy is the most legit of all bachelors. Like totally invested and emotional about this, and taking it seriously. He tells her he wants to fall in love with her. This is totally a first!! He likes the chase, I think. Don’t we all? (Did I just reveal too much?)
The final date brings us to Texas! We all know I love me some Texas. Not necessarily cookie-cutter-Sugar-Land-ish-suburbia-no-family-support Texas, but whatever. It’s Amber’s turn, and we’re all excited for the drama to come. Will her parents disappoint us? Will this be a Bachelor first? Does she have a family at all? Is she a homeless, family-less, 23-year-old disaster? Only time will tell. Andy meets Amber (Andy and Amber? Ewww…not a cute ring to it. Feels very sixth-grade roller skating party to me.) at her school. The kiddies then come to her class to meet her. It’s totally cute…especially when they talk about how he likes their teacher. Cute. He calls her “pretty” and “nice” and he talks to them like they’re in a special class. That’s sounds mean, but he acted dumb.
Wait, so now I feel bad. Is Amber really family-less? Her parents aren’t supportive, so she’s using her aunt and uncle as stand-ins. They don’t come through either…and it’s awkward and weird. Mute? She’s embarrassed, because she knows that this is a total deal-breaker. No family, no in-laws, no nothin’. Andy makes her feel way better, because he’s nice like that.
The not-gonna-last happy couple then go to Amber’s apartment to meet her scary-spice roommate. The stupid little dog and her roommate meet the couple. Um, her roommate might be a little stupid too. BTW, I HATE little yippy dogs…I felt bad for Andy having to listen to that mess.
Then, surprise of the night, her aunt comes over to save the day! Andy was so cute and happy to meet her, and Amber is happy. Everything is so happy. But she lives with her sorority sister friend and she has an unsupportive family. Not into it. Her roommate says, in Texas fashion, “Y’all are meant to be.” Er not. To me, this was a big bust. Amber’s sweet, she’s 23, I wish her luck. And to her parents, buck up! Support your daughter and don’t make her look like a fool on national TV.
The rose ceremony is brief. OG gets right to business.
1) Tessa (yes!)
2) Bevin
3) Danielle
And Amber goes home because her family sucks. Amber says she doesn’t understand, but let’s be honest. Amber, sit back and think about the date you had. No family, dumb dog, silly roommate, the list goes on…But, she puts him in his place when he says her age was an issue since he said it wasn’t in some sordid hot tub scene. It was a prolonged break-up, and I started sweating. It was super awkward and no fun to watch. Especially when she talks about their life she imagined. L
Awards:
1) Worst dog: Amber’s…and her roommate a little bit since she looks like a canine as well.
2) Biggest disappointment: Amber’s family. I mean…
3) Future legal team of the century: Tessa’s family and their 82 questions.
Until next week...Hawaii! An episode I like to call “To Bone, or Not to Bone.”
Mike
Monday, April 30, 2007
Tastes beautiful...
It’s episode five, and tension is running high. The day starts on OG’s yacht with all six hoes soaking up the sun and soaking up every minute with Andy. Bevin, in typical fashion, commandeers most of the time by joining OG on the water in the kayaks. At one point during the date, it was blondes v. brunettes, and I loved it! My favorite was the brunettes napping during the Bevin/Andy kayak-fest.
After the initial six-on-one, we were due for a little one-on-one. Stephanie from KS joined Andy on a wine date. They made their own blend and then painted a label for it. Honestly, nothing happened except for a disastrous quote on behalf of the OG. “It tastes beautiful…just like you.” He’s so good at reading cue cards. He should really consider a career in front of the camera. The date ends with Stephanie being incommunicado. OG’s fears are reassured.
The second date brings Amber, Tina, Bevin and Danielle together at a run-down school in Hollywood. The four-on-one is good fun as the girls make over a playground for the inner-city chitlins. It is quite cute, especially when the kindergarteners come out to see their new outdoor home. See? Charity is fun!
The third date is quite special. Tessa meets a jewel-laden OG at the door. He gives her tons of money worth of diamonds for their date (in front of the other girls...classic!) and then drives her in his fake car to the Nicole Miller boutique on Sunset. She tries on 82 dresses, he surprisingly deals with it, and she ends up looking fabulous in a red number. They go to the Japanese-fusiony place overlooking LA (ate there this past October…great view, okay food), and have a romantic dinner high atop a hill. Okay, I’m going to go ahead and check my bitchiness at the door, and say that he is totally into her. Like for real. I might have a girl-crush too. How embarrassing! Tessa finally opens up, leaves her “I’m not into this B.S.” at the door, and they make out.
The pre-Rose Ceremony is rather uneventful, save for two things. First, OG kisses Tessa without thinking about it (so cute) and Bevin and Amber sneak into his private deliberation room. Naughty!
Rose Ceremony:
1) Bevin (bring on more episodes of drama)
2) Amber
3) Tessa (engagement anyone?)
4) Danielle
Tina and Stephanie (KS) go home, and no one is surprised.
Awards.
1) Vomit-inducing line: “This tastes beautiful…just like you.” – Andy
2) Bi-polar award: Bevin. Up, down, up down…
3) Best (worst) hair: Stephanie (KS). She was channeling her inner-Texas at the rose ceremony! Eeeekk!!
Until next week,
Mike
After the initial six-on-one, we were due for a little one-on-one. Stephanie from KS joined Andy on a wine date. They made their own blend and then painted a label for it. Honestly, nothing happened except for a disastrous quote on behalf of the OG. “It tastes beautiful…just like you.” He’s so good at reading cue cards. He should really consider a career in front of the camera. The date ends with Stephanie being incommunicado. OG’s fears are reassured.
The second date brings Amber, Tina, Bevin and Danielle together at a run-down school in Hollywood. The four-on-one is good fun as the girls make over a playground for the inner-city chitlins. It is quite cute, especially when the kindergarteners come out to see their new outdoor home. See? Charity is fun!
The third date is quite special. Tessa meets a jewel-laden OG at the door. He gives her tons of money worth of diamonds for their date (in front of the other girls...classic!) and then drives her in his fake car to the Nicole Miller boutique on Sunset. She tries on 82 dresses, he surprisingly deals with it, and she ends up looking fabulous in a red number. They go to the Japanese-fusiony place overlooking LA (ate there this past October…great view, okay food), and have a romantic dinner high atop a hill. Okay, I’m going to go ahead and check my bitchiness at the door, and say that he is totally into her. Like for real. I might have a girl-crush too. How embarrassing! Tessa finally opens up, leaves her “I’m not into this B.S.” at the door, and they make out.
The pre-Rose Ceremony is rather uneventful, save for two things. First, OG kisses Tessa without thinking about it (so cute) and Bevin and Amber sneak into his private deliberation room. Naughty!
Rose Ceremony:
1) Bevin (bring on more episodes of drama)
2) Amber
3) Tessa (engagement anyone?)
4) Danielle
Tina and Stephanie (KS) go home, and no one is surprised.
Awards.
1) Vomit-inducing line: “This tastes beautiful…just like you.” – Andy
2) Bi-polar award: Bevin. Up, down, up down…
3) Best (worst) hair: Stephanie (KS). She was channeling her inner-Texas at the rose ceremony! Eeeekk!!
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, April 23, 2007
Under the bus
After having arrived home from Paris earlier this evening, I must admit that I’m in a bit of a jet-lagged haze. It is technically after 5 am Paris time as I write this, so I’m foggy. My body is also getting ready to adjust to a life without constant fresh baguettes, pounds of cheese, and other rich and fatty foods on a daily basis. And let’s not even mention the continual flow of wine into my body at all hours of the day…but enough about me. Let’s get to the Officer and Gentleman (OG for those who don’t remember due to my hiatus last week)!
OG flies the girls to Tahoe, and we get to spend some special time with them fireside. On the first date, Bevin cries because her ankle hurts, and other emotions are shared with America. I don’t care. So I take a shower and wash off Paris and an 8-hour flight (which featured a hot-ass Daniel Craig in Casino Royale—YUM). While showering I think of how this episode is the episode that centers on the “There’s only one guy and all these girls” theme. The gossip begins. I’m over it.
I return to Stephanie’s (KS) tears. I also am reminded that we’re using the term “Special Quality Time” (SQT) this season. It’s just so gross. SQT makes me think of time spent alone thinking naughty thoughts and doing naughty things. We all love some SQT, but don’t say it 82 times an episode.
Bevin gets the sympathy vote for SQT because she broke her kankle and OG tells her he’s a nerd. No…REALLY?!? Ugh. Then they make out. Then it gets worse because he calls her his “sanctuary.” Are we kidding right now? And then she hobbles off into the distance.
Date two. It’s Stephanie’s (SC) birthday. We don’t care. They ski, it’s funny, I laugh. One girls says she didn’t understand the concept of the pizza slice. I think her thighs beg to differ. Kidding…
And then the bitching begins. Girls point fingers, name call, and tell OG secrets. Tessa continues to worry and doubt the experience, OG (looking good, I must add), reassures her that he likes her. But who wants to beg for chicks to like him? Not me…
Stephanie from SC then “throws girls under the bus.” Kudos for using a great expression, no kudos for actually implementing it. Skank. He totally annoys her. Kate continues the rumor-spreading. She totally sucks. What a raging ho.
Special Quality Time was a “no brainer” and he chooses Dr. Tina. That was actually nice, because she was the only one that brought zero drama to the date. They talk in the gondola, and it actually seems very genuine. Wait…am I being serious right now? Maybe it’s the jet lag talking. Or the Heineken from the Paris airport’s American Airlines Admirals Club that I stuffed in my bag. According the Heineken it’s the “Biere de Prestige.” It’s Dutch like me, so it’s clearly prestigious. Back to the date. Tina and OG chat on a mountaintop, and OG doesn’t seem very into it. It’s awkward but fine. Am I the only one that is still haunted by memories of her singing the National Anthem in episode number one? The horror…
The one-on-one date is for Amber, who was thrown under the bus by Kate on the group date. OG arrives in a dapper ski sweater and takes her away with the intention of getting to know the “true Amber.” They share wine and fondue by the fire while OG tells Amber of the bitch-talking he heard from the others. Amber tries to calm him about the rumors and OG appreciates her candidness. Ugh…I’m not sure if I believe him because he always sounds like a slightly-stoned frat boy who has trouble piecing together words to make sentences. They kiss, they kiss again in the hot tub, and he gets out to give her a rose. Then they kiss some more.
Rose ceremony time. Stephanie from SC puts it best by—in typical Southern style—elongating a two-syllable word into three. “Tonight is fa-reak-ing crazy!” Kate wears a HORRENDOUS dress that looks like a doily for a funeral, and she fesses up to her stupid rumor-spreading habits. Stupid. Stephanie from SC says her dress is “smokin’ hot.” I beg to differ. I think it should be up in smoke.
Speaking of up in smoke, her future just may be because she continues to throw people under the bus. She is a mess and I hate her. Bevin can hardly breathe because she’s nervous. She clearly needs to get a grip, but OG is into her. He plays with her hair and kisses her.
Kate then continues to spread gossip like wildfire saying that Tina said that Amber almost boned OG in the hot tub. I want her to go ahead and shoot herself in the face. She is a devil woman.
After all the drama, OG gives roses to:
Amber
Tessa
Danielle
Bevin
Tina
Stephanie KS
That means that booby Stephanie SC, back-stabbing Kate and zitty Nicole didn’t get roses. Good riddance to Stephanie and Kate. Nicole was kinda funny, but whatever.
Awards:
1) Throw yourself under the bus award: Kate
2) Best broken kankle: Bevin
3) Fakest boobs: Stephanie SC
Until next week,
Mike
OG flies the girls to Tahoe, and we get to spend some special time with them fireside. On the first date, Bevin cries because her ankle hurts, and other emotions are shared with America. I don’t care. So I take a shower and wash off Paris and an 8-hour flight (which featured a hot-ass Daniel Craig in Casino Royale—YUM). While showering I think of how this episode is the episode that centers on the “There’s only one guy and all these girls” theme. The gossip begins. I’m over it.
I return to Stephanie’s (KS) tears. I also am reminded that we’re using the term “Special Quality Time” (SQT) this season. It’s just so gross. SQT makes me think of time spent alone thinking naughty thoughts and doing naughty things. We all love some SQT, but don’t say it 82 times an episode.
Bevin gets the sympathy vote for SQT because she broke her kankle and OG tells her he’s a nerd. No…REALLY?!? Ugh. Then they make out. Then it gets worse because he calls her his “sanctuary.” Are we kidding right now? And then she hobbles off into the distance.
Date two. It’s Stephanie’s (SC) birthday. We don’t care. They ski, it’s funny, I laugh. One girls says she didn’t understand the concept of the pizza slice. I think her thighs beg to differ. Kidding…
And then the bitching begins. Girls point fingers, name call, and tell OG secrets. Tessa continues to worry and doubt the experience, OG (looking good, I must add), reassures her that he likes her. But who wants to beg for chicks to like him? Not me…
Stephanie from SC then “throws girls under the bus.” Kudos for using a great expression, no kudos for actually implementing it. Skank. He totally annoys her. Kate continues the rumor-spreading. She totally sucks. What a raging ho.
Special Quality Time was a “no brainer” and he chooses Dr. Tina. That was actually nice, because she was the only one that brought zero drama to the date. They talk in the gondola, and it actually seems very genuine. Wait…am I being serious right now? Maybe it’s the jet lag talking. Or the Heineken from the Paris airport’s American Airlines Admirals Club that I stuffed in my bag. According the Heineken it’s the “Biere de Prestige.” It’s Dutch like me, so it’s clearly prestigious. Back to the date. Tina and OG chat on a mountaintop, and OG doesn’t seem very into it. It’s awkward but fine. Am I the only one that is still haunted by memories of her singing the National Anthem in episode number one? The horror…
The one-on-one date is for Amber, who was thrown under the bus by Kate on the group date. OG arrives in a dapper ski sweater and takes her away with the intention of getting to know the “true Amber.” They share wine and fondue by the fire while OG tells Amber of the bitch-talking he heard from the others. Amber tries to calm him about the rumors and OG appreciates her candidness. Ugh…I’m not sure if I believe him because he always sounds like a slightly-stoned frat boy who has trouble piecing together words to make sentences. They kiss, they kiss again in the hot tub, and he gets out to give her a rose. Then they kiss some more.
Rose ceremony time. Stephanie from SC puts it best by—in typical Southern style—elongating a two-syllable word into three. “Tonight is fa-reak-ing crazy!” Kate wears a HORRENDOUS dress that looks like a doily for a funeral, and she fesses up to her stupid rumor-spreading habits. Stupid. Stephanie from SC says her dress is “smokin’ hot.” I beg to differ. I think it should be up in smoke.
Speaking of up in smoke, her future just may be because she continues to throw people under the bus. She is a mess and I hate her. Bevin can hardly breathe because she’s nervous. She clearly needs to get a grip, but OG is into her. He plays with her hair and kisses her.
Kate then continues to spread gossip like wildfire saying that Tina said that Amber almost boned OG in the hot tub. I want her to go ahead and shoot herself in the face. She is a devil woman.
After all the drama, OG gives roses to:
Amber
Tessa
Danielle
Bevin
Tina
Stephanie KS
That means that booby Stephanie SC, back-stabbing Kate and zitty Nicole didn’t get roses. Good riddance to Stephanie and Kate. Nicole was kinda funny, but whatever.
Awards:
1) Throw yourself under the bus award: Kate
2) Best broken kankle: Bevin
3) Fakest boobs: Stephanie SC
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Oops
Lovers,
So we all know I disappoint you at least once a season. And today is that dark day. I was otherwise engaged last night as our show aired, and I was unable to blog to the masses.
Please be prepared for possible disappointment next week as well. I'll be arriving home from Paris at 8pm next Monday night at which point the ABC execs will helicopter me back to my pad so I can blog away. Without delays, all should be fine. But please realize that I am famous, and my international travels sometimes impede my TV-watching skills.
---
A quick summary of last night:
Andy gives roses to:
Blevin
Amber
Danielle
Stephanie from Kansas
Tina
Kate
Nicole
Stephanie from South Carolina
Tessa
Amanda and Erin are the ones going home.
Until next week (we hope),
Mike
So we all know I disappoint you at least once a season. And today is that dark day. I was otherwise engaged last night as our show aired, and I was unable to blog to the masses.
Please be prepared for possible disappointment next week as well. I'll be arriving home from Paris at 8pm next Monday night at which point the ABC execs will helicopter me back to my pad so I can blog away. Without delays, all should be fine. But please realize that I am famous, and my international travels sometimes impede my TV-watching skills.
---
A quick summary of last night:
Andy gives roses to:
Blevin
Amber
Danielle
Stephanie from Kansas
Tina
Kate
Nicole
Stephanie from South Carolina
Tessa
Amanda and Erin are the ones going home.
Until next week (we hope),
Mike
Monday, April 09, 2007
And the shirts are off!
It is episode two. And we already get to see skin! Yay! Go team! But wait....O.G. has an oddly-shaped rib cage and 0% body fat. Dude’s finished the Iron Man six times. I didn’t necessarily love him to begin with, but now he’s just making me feel obese. And, to pat myself on the back a little, I’m not big. In fact, I’m slim. But enough about me, let’s talk about fat Andy. Er wait…he’s all muscle. Mental note: lift more weights. But don’t grow a distorted rib cage.
Episode two has three dates: two group dates and an individual date reserved for Stephanie from South Carolina, the winner of the first-impression rose. She’s trashy, by the way.
Let’s get down to business because the quicker we do, the quicker we can mock O.G.
Date One: The Sunset Strip
Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, Stephanie from KS, Bevin, Amanda and Tessa join Andy on a tour of the Sunset Strip. First stop: Saddle Ranch, home of the mechanical bull. What better way to get to know the ladies than to watch their jugs shake on a big metal bull! Thus, we get to see shaky boobs for 10 minutes. We all know that nothing gets me going more than boobs, so I was in heaven.
After touring the rest of the culturally-rich Sunset Strip, the crew heads to a hotel where they get to wear pretty dresses and see O.G.’s pretty body. They drink on the rooftop, change into bathing suits, and fawn over O.G.s ripped body. What could be better than the first underwater kiss? Nothing. Thanks for supplying us with the essential awkwardness, Bevin. Oh, and Bevin, please stop pretending you’re old and wise by prefacing thoughts with things like “At my age…” You’re 28. You’re not 65. You haven’t seen it all, my friend.
Andy chose to spend his “Special Quality Time” with Tiffany. More awkwardness ensues. Not only because they each said “Special Quality Time” 17 times, but also because Tiffany is personality-free. Amazing.
Date Two: Iron Man a la Loews Santa Monica
Kate, Susan, Erin, Tina, Amber, Danielle and Peyton join the Iron Man himself at the Loews hotel for a fitness extravaganza. Erin and Susan, the Besty and Busty Blondes, thoroughly un-impress me with their athletic prowess. I’m not into them…AT ALL. What are they, 12? They were nervous to approach Andy, so they did it together. They were nervous because they sucked at sports, so they sucked together. They were nervous about their dark hair, so they dyed it together. Overall, no fun. I hate chicks like this. Be confident. Stand up for yourself. And stop dying your hair like that.
Amber wins the Iron Man contest, and, well, great for her. This whole date was dumb and I’m over it.
Date Three: Romantic Sunset Cruise
Stephanie from SC gets to take a sunset cruise on O.G.’s yacht. Yeah, it’s not your yacht, O.G. Don’t pretend it is. Stephanie embarrasses humanity by reenacting the Titanic scene on the bow. O.G. laughs nervously (like a lot), Stephanie throws her dignity into the wind…and then it falls into the ocean. Oops…
Pre-Rose Ceremony. Girls say dumb things, the Sorority Recruiter chick defends her fake job, and the Besty and Busty Blondes further live up to the amazing nickname I’ve given them. Tina plays the “Oh poor me, I’m a smart med student” card. I was more like, “Oh poor you, you sang a ridiculous song for him upon meeting him and we all died inside.” Then Tessa gives him a random-ass foot massage and then she breaks down and cries. Weird.
Rose Ceremony.
And the roses go to:
1) Stephanie (from the individual date)
2) Tessa
3) Danielle
4) Bevin
5) Amber
6) Stephanie KS
7) Kate
8) Nicole
9) Tina
10) Peyton
11) Amanda
12) Erin. WHAT?!?
Home: Alexis, Tiffany, Susan (one half of the Besty and Busty Blonde duo)
Awards:
1) Captain Condescension award: Andy O.G. He gives a “I believe in true love, and that person is out there for you” preface to the rose ceremony. I’m sure the girls he dissed appreciated that. Thanks.
2) You’re a Virgin and You’re Going Home award: Alexis. Sorry. You might want to go ahead and cash in that mess.
3) Ears McGee award: Stephanie from SC. You might want to go ahead and tape you ears back.
Until next week…or not…
Mike
p.s. I’m famous and I’m traveling quite a bit in the next two weeks. We’ll see if I send your reason for living.
Episode two has three dates: two group dates and an individual date reserved for Stephanie from South Carolina, the winner of the first-impression rose. She’s trashy, by the way.
Let’s get down to business because the quicker we do, the quicker we can mock O.G.
Date One: The Sunset Strip
Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, Stephanie from KS, Bevin, Amanda and Tessa join Andy on a tour of the Sunset Strip. First stop: Saddle Ranch, home of the mechanical bull. What better way to get to know the ladies than to watch their jugs shake on a big metal bull! Thus, we get to see shaky boobs for 10 minutes. We all know that nothing gets me going more than boobs, so I was in heaven.
After touring the rest of the culturally-rich Sunset Strip, the crew heads to a hotel where they get to wear pretty dresses and see O.G.’s pretty body. They drink on the rooftop, change into bathing suits, and fawn over O.G.s ripped body. What could be better than the first underwater kiss? Nothing. Thanks for supplying us with the essential awkwardness, Bevin. Oh, and Bevin, please stop pretending you’re old and wise by prefacing thoughts with things like “At my age…” You’re 28. You’re not 65. You haven’t seen it all, my friend.
Andy chose to spend his “Special Quality Time” with Tiffany. More awkwardness ensues. Not only because they each said “Special Quality Time” 17 times, but also because Tiffany is personality-free. Amazing.
Date Two: Iron Man a la Loews Santa Monica
Kate, Susan, Erin, Tina, Amber, Danielle and Peyton join the Iron Man himself at the Loews hotel for a fitness extravaganza. Erin and Susan, the Besty and Busty Blondes, thoroughly un-impress me with their athletic prowess. I’m not into them…AT ALL. What are they, 12? They were nervous to approach Andy, so they did it together. They were nervous because they sucked at sports, so they sucked together. They were nervous about their dark hair, so they dyed it together. Overall, no fun. I hate chicks like this. Be confident. Stand up for yourself. And stop dying your hair like that.
Amber wins the Iron Man contest, and, well, great for her. This whole date was dumb and I’m over it.
Date Three: Romantic Sunset Cruise
Stephanie from SC gets to take a sunset cruise on O.G.’s yacht. Yeah, it’s not your yacht, O.G. Don’t pretend it is. Stephanie embarrasses humanity by reenacting the Titanic scene on the bow. O.G. laughs nervously (like a lot), Stephanie throws her dignity into the wind…and then it falls into the ocean. Oops…
Pre-Rose Ceremony. Girls say dumb things, the Sorority Recruiter chick defends her fake job, and the Besty and Busty Blondes further live up to the amazing nickname I’ve given them. Tina plays the “Oh poor me, I’m a smart med student” card. I was more like, “Oh poor you, you sang a ridiculous song for him upon meeting him and we all died inside.” Then Tessa gives him a random-ass foot massage and then she breaks down and cries. Weird.
Rose Ceremony.
And the roses go to:
1) Stephanie (from the individual date)
2) Tessa
3) Danielle
4) Bevin
5) Amber
6) Stephanie KS
7) Kate
8) Nicole
9) Tina
10) Peyton
11) Amanda
12) Erin. WHAT?!?
Home: Alexis, Tiffany, Susan (one half of the Besty and Busty Blonde duo)
Awards:
1) Captain Condescension award: Andy O.G. He gives a “I believe in true love, and that person is out there for you” preface to the rose ceremony. I’m sure the girls he dissed appreciated that. Thanks.
2) You’re a Virgin and You’re Going Home award: Alexis. Sorry. You might want to go ahead and cash in that mess.
3) Ears McGee award: Stephanie from SC. You might want to go ahead and tape you ears back.
Until next week…or not…
Mike
p.s. I’m famous and I’m traveling quite a bit in the next two weeks. We’ll see if I send your reason for living.
Monday, April 02, 2007
The Train Wreck Begins
Friends, lovers, ex-friends, ex-lovers and current crushes,
Welcome back to the most holy hour on television. What have I been doing since Lorenzo ruined our lives last fall? Nothing. But thanks for asking. Well, I’m sure I’ve been busy, but I’ve been mildly sedated for most of it because I just can’t find a source of happiness and/or a reason to live when our beloved Bachelor isn’t airing. Thus I turn to my medicine cabinet for solace. But enough about me! Y’all be looking good too!
Before we begin, let’s talk about the build-up for season 82. I must say, the TV ads preceding this season have been ab-filled, have they not? Who has 18 abs? His stomach makes me nervous—I feel like he has that same inflated chest thing going on that my He-Man action figures had in 1984. Am I the only one? How has he stayed active in the Navy with a body like that? We all know that no straight man looks that good in a bathing suit. Oh wait, are we still doing that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” mess? I guess he slipped under the radar…
And, without further ado, I’d like to announce the bachelor’s nickname for this season. Since he’s totally ghetto—and by “ghetto” I mean a white doctor/Navy lieutenant with a Duke pedigree named Andy—I’ve decided to call him “O.G.” (Officer and Gentleman, duh). What up, O.G.? How ‘da thug life treatin’ you?
As for his lady friends, I’m loving the predictable cadre of space cadets. There are few surprises. Blondes abound, and we have our requisite “diversity” cases, Texans and Tampa Trash!
On the subject of Texans, though, I’m a bit upset. Four Texans? I can’t. What, did they hold a casting at the Houston Galleria? Or was it at the $30,000 Millionaire Convention in Dallas? Most likely the latter, let’s be honest. And don’t get me started on the four South Carolinians…All in all, 11 out of the 25 lady friends are from the South.
But let’s get off the mathematical equations, and on to the introductions between the most awkward man on television (O.G.) and his suitors. The 25 women arrive one by one, most of whom wearing bad dresses. Not all of whom told bad jokes. Tessa from California told a joke about muffins and I died. Literally almost left the room.
But I saved leaving the room for another occasion—when Tina the med student sang the national anthem in her middle school choir voice. At that point, I hid in the bathroom. I’m serious. I also cringed when Blakeney (I’m sorry, what is your name?) fell because she was wasted. Ain’t nothing but class.
This year’s batch is certainly gainfully employed! ABC casters did well matching up those with interests in the medical field with our Dr. O.G. But some of the others have job titles that…well…aren’t doing them any favors. Let’s start with Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.” I don’t even know what that means. What are you doing recruiting sorority sluts at age 25? Have you not emerged from your booze-soaked undergrad days yet? 7th-year senior are you? Peyton, please try to find another job title that masks what you actually do. When you emerge out of your post-college bubble (the real world), I think you might find that people laugh in your face when you tell them your job. By the way, we live in the real world. Welcome to it. You may want to submit your resignation to Jamma Vi Brata as soon as humanly possible.
A few more notes on the contestants before I laugh at them more…
- Andy/O.G. is seriously embarrassing. I don’t think he’s seen a girl since he joined the Navy because he cannot communicate with them. It’s sad. Now we know why he doesn’t have a girlfriend.
- Linda from Ohio has biceps bigger than my thighs. Oh, and her ears and eyes are enormous too. I don’t think she’s built well…although she did a push-up contest with him. Good decision? No.
- The “first impression” rose went to Stephanie…only after she asked for it. So dumb. O.G. has no backbone.
- The gymnastic/flip/body tricks were no fun for anyone.
- The cake was no fun either.
One question before the rose ceremony. Is O.G. 5 feet tall? Yes. He’s shorty swing my way. Chris Harrison is taller than him! I mean…
And the roses went to.
1) Stephanie—got the “first impression” rose! Woohoo!
2) Peyton. The lovebirds share a birthday!
3) Bevin—they like each other
4) Kate from SC
5) Alexis
6) Danielle from CT
7) Amber
8) Tiffany from MA—she’s wearing a bridesmaid’s dress
9) Tessa—told the muffin joke
10) Nicole—ugly aqua dress…she’s drunk
11) Susan—blonde for days…and some major nipple action
12) Amanda—cute half-Asian. Smart and cute.
13) Erin—I’m thinking her blonde hair isn’t natural
14) Tina—girl needs to fix her bad voice
15) Stephanie—from Overland Park, Ka (means she works at Sprint)
Awards:
1) Sore loser award: Lindsay from KS stomped out b/c she was wasted and made mess of herself. I. Loved. Every. Minute. Of . It!
2) Best quote: “He short, his head is big, and his teeth look fake”—Lindsay, the drunk ho referenced above. But the chica speaks the truth!
3) Most awkward bachelor ever: O.G.
4) Best (worst) job title: Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.”
5) Out-in-front Future Winner: No one. You all suck.
That’s it for now. I’ll write more next week after having spent a week on the beach because I’m famous.
Mike
Welcome back to the most holy hour on television. What have I been doing since Lorenzo ruined our lives last fall? Nothing. But thanks for asking. Well, I’m sure I’ve been busy, but I’ve been mildly sedated for most of it because I just can’t find a source of happiness and/or a reason to live when our beloved Bachelor isn’t airing. Thus I turn to my medicine cabinet for solace. But enough about me! Y’all be looking good too!
Before we begin, let’s talk about the build-up for season 82. I must say, the TV ads preceding this season have been ab-filled, have they not? Who has 18 abs? His stomach makes me nervous—I feel like he has that same inflated chest thing going on that my He-Man action figures had in 1984. Am I the only one? How has he stayed active in the Navy with a body like that? We all know that no straight man looks that good in a bathing suit. Oh wait, are we still doing that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” mess? I guess he slipped under the radar…
And, without further ado, I’d like to announce the bachelor’s nickname for this season. Since he’s totally ghetto—and by “ghetto” I mean a white doctor/Navy lieutenant with a Duke pedigree named Andy—I’ve decided to call him “O.G.” (Officer and Gentleman, duh). What up, O.G.? How ‘da thug life treatin’ you?
As for his lady friends, I’m loving the predictable cadre of space cadets. There are few surprises. Blondes abound, and we have our requisite “diversity” cases, Texans and Tampa Trash!
On the subject of Texans, though, I’m a bit upset. Four Texans? I can’t. What, did they hold a casting at the Houston Galleria? Or was it at the $30,000 Millionaire Convention in Dallas? Most likely the latter, let’s be honest. And don’t get me started on the four South Carolinians…All in all, 11 out of the 25 lady friends are from the South.
But let’s get off the mathematical equations, and on to the introductions between the most awkward man on television (O.G.) and his suitors. The 25 women arrive one by one, most of whom wearing bad dresses. Not all of whom told bad jokes. Tessa from California told a joke about muffins and I died. Literally almost left the room.
But I saved leaving the room for another occasion—when Tina the med student sang the national anthem in her middle school choir voice. At that point, I hid in the bathroom. I’m serious. I also cringed when Blakeney (I’m sorry, what is your name?) fell because she was wasted. Ain’t nothing but class.
This year’s batch is certainly gainfully employed! ABC casters did well matching up those with interests in the medical field with our Dr. O.G. But some of the others have job titles that…well…aren’t doing them any favors. Let’s start with Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.” I don’t even know what that means. What are you doing recruiting sorority sluts at age 25? Have you not emerged from your booze-soaked undergrad days yet? 7th-year senior are you? Peyton, please try to find another job title that masks what you actually do. When you emerge out of your post-college bubble (the real world), I think you might find that people laugh in your face when you tell them your job. By the way, we live in the real world. Welcome to it. You may want to submit your resignation to Jamma Vi Brata as soon as humanly possible.
A few more notes on the contestants before I laugh at them more…
- Andy/O.G. is seriously embarrassing. I don’t think he’s seen a girl since he joined the Navy because he cannot communicate with them. It’s sad. Now we know why he doesn’t have a girlfriend.
- Linda from Ohio has biceps bigger than my thighs. Oh, and her ears and eyes are enormous too. I don’t think she’s built well…although she did a push-up contest with him. Good decision? No.
- The “first impression” rose went to Stephanie…only after she asked for it. So dumb. O.G. has no backbone.
- The gymnastic/flip/body tricks were no fun for anyone.
- The cake was no fun either.
One question before the rose ceremony. Is O.G. 5 feet tall? Yes. He’s shorty swing my way. Chris Harrison is taller than him! I mean…
And the roses went to.
1) Stephanie—got the “first impression” rose! Woohoo!
2) Peyton. The lovebirds share a birthday!
3) Bevin—they like each other
4) Kate from SC
5) Alexis
6) Danielle from CT
7) Amber
8) Tiffany from MA—she’s wearing a bridesmaid’s dress
9) Tessa—told the muffin joke
10) Nicole—ugly aqua dress…she’s drunk
11) Susan—blonde for days…and some major nipple action
12) Amanda—cute half-Asian. Smart and cute.
13) Erin—I’m thinking her blonde hair isn’t natural
14) Tina—girl needs to fix her bad voice
15) Stephanie—from Overland Park, Ka (means she works at Sprint)
Awards:
1) Sore loser award: Lindsay from KS stomped out b/c she was wasted and made mess of herself. I. Loved. Every. Minute. Of . It!
2) Best quote: “He short, his head is big, and his teeth look fake”—Lindsay, the drunk ho referenced above. But the chica speaks the truth!
3) Most awkward bachelor ever: O.G.
4) Best (worst) job title: Peyton, the “Sorority Recruiter.”
5) Out-in-front Future Winner: No one. You all suck.
That’s it for now. I’ll write more next week after having spent a week on the beach because I’m famous.
Mike
Friday, March 23, 2007
Hotty Mc-Hot-a-Doc...Part 2!
What: The source of all happiness and joy in this world, The Bachelor on ABC.
When: April 2, 2007, 9:30pm
Why: Because you're obsessed with me and my writing and witty prowess. Oh, and you're obsessed with this train wreck of a show.
Tune in. April 2. I'll be there, along with five bottles of wine. I have recently re-organized my estate to optimize my TV-viewing capabilities...and since I'm an expert in Feng Shui, I believe this re-organization has also optimized the energy of my estate which will, in turn, greatly enhance my already-amazing blogging skills.
Check out the hot doctor here. http://abc.go.com/primetime/bachelor/teaser2.html?primetime=true
He's actually a "Duke-ter." Gotta love those sexy Blue Devils...
Off to pee my pants with excitement.
Mike
When: April 2, 2007, 9:30pm
Why: Because you're obsessed with me and my writing and witty prowess. Oh, and you're obsessed with this train wreck of a show.
Tune in. April 2. I'll be there, along with five bottles of wine. I have recently re-organized my estate to optimize my TV-viewing capabilities...and since I'm an expert in Feng Shui, I believe this re-organization has also optimized the energy of my estate which will, in turn, greatly enhance my already-amazing blogging skills.
Check out the hot doctor here. http://abc.go.com/primetime/bachelor/teaser2.html?primetime=true
He's actually a "Duke-ter." Gotta love those sexy Blue Devils...
Off to pee my pants with excitement.
Mike
Monday, November 27, 2006
I'm over it and I quit.
Holy balls, it’s the night we’ve been waiting for. I’m sweating, I’m nervous, and I’m slightly drunk. All to be expected. And the night begins…
Prince and Princess Jersey arrive and we realize why they live in Jersey. Momma Princess Amanda has mall hair, and Daddy Prince…well, we now realize where Lorenzo gets his lack of an upper lip. Ugh…I’m over it. We’ll get to that later.
The first date reunites Jen and Lorenzo—with his parents. She’s underdressed, his mom reads her palm, and we all cringe. Basically it’s boring.
The second date brings Lorenzo and Sadie back together, and we realize that they are fully in love. God, Sadie is cute. She has a better time slot (dinner), Lorenzo’s parents are in love with her, and I just can’t get enough. I seriously might consider making out with her. Or at least going shopping with her. Anyways, his mom reads her palm as well. We hate that she mentions Jen so much.
Then (cue the “dun dun dun” disaster music) both sets of potential in-laws arrive in Rome. Jen’s Dad is predictably poorly dressed in an old, wrinkled, untucked polo shirt. I hate him more than I did when he pulled a gun on Lorenzo. Gross. Sadie’s parents are cutely conservative and we’re glad they’ll be Lorenzo’s future in-laws.
The brunch with all 82 people is so damn awkward, I couldn’t have killed myself more than I did. But luckily I lived to blog about it. Ugh…
So finally, Sadie and Jen get their last stabs at making Lorenzo fall in love with them. Sadie wins because she gives him presents and we love her. Yay! Go Sadie! We know you’re gonna win!
And then all of our worlds come to an end.
The final rose ceremony…curtain up.
Sadie arrives in a hot-ass dress. Her ta-tas look absolutely brilliant, and Lorenzo is awestruck. He knows he loves her. He’s afraid of her untainted vageeg. (That may have been the dirtiest thing this blog has seen since its inception.)
LORENZO THEN RUINS ALL OF OUR LIVES BY SCREWING HER OVER. HE’S LYING TO US AND TO HIMSELF.
I mean. Honestly. Although I called it (because I took a trip to Negativetown) I am still so upset. Literally. I mean, he cried. He KNEW he was making a mistake. He’s just scared of her Virginia.
And then Jen arrives in her disastrous, too-short sparkly dress that made me barf up my pasta (that I made earlier this evening and it was delicious). Welcome back to Florida, folks.
He proposes, I shed 82 tears, and we all kill ourselves.
F the world. I quit.
Until Extra and/or Access Hollywood calls Lorenzo and Jen’s breakup, I bid you adieu…And anxiously await the next Hotty Mc Hot-a-Doc. Hey cute girlfriends, please apply now!!!
I love you all, and I love you Sadie.
MBH
p.s. This evening's awards
1) We are mad at you award: Lorenzo. Stop making bad decisions and faking tears. How dare you fool us into believing your cute cry-baby status!
2) Best line: Chris's (host) line which stated that Lorenzo and Jen "solidified their relationship in the fantasy suite" as he described their history. Basically, they solidified Lorenzo's wenis. Screw their fake relationship.
3) Worst moment: Lorenzo fooling himself into believing he likes Jen.
4) Best guests: Cassie and Aileen. They are amazing.
Prince and Princess Jersey arrive and we realize why they live in Jersey. Momma Princess Amanda has mall hair, and Daddy Prince…well, we now realize where Lorenzo gets his lack of an upper lip. Ugh…I’m over it. We’ll get to that later.
The first date reunites Jen and Lorenzo—with his parents. She’s underdressed, his mom reads her palm, and we all cringe. Basically it’s boring.
The second date brings Lorenzo and Sadie back together, and we realize that they are fully in love. God, Sadie is cute. She has a better time slot (dinner), Lorenzo’s parents are in love with her, and I just can’t get enough. I seriously might consider making out with her. Or at least going shopping with her. Anyways, his mom reads her palm as well. We hate that she mentions Jen so much.
Then (cue the “dun dun dun” disaster music) both sets of potential in-laws arrive in Rome. Jen’s Dad is predictably poorly dressed in an old, wrinkled, untucked polo shirt. I hate him more than I did when he pulled a gun on Lorenzo. Gross. Sadie’s parents are cutely conservative and we’re glad they’ll be Lorenzo’s future in-laws.
The brunch with all 82 people is so damn awkward, I couldn’t have killed myself more than I did. But luckily I lived to blog about it. Ugh…
So finally, Sadie and Jen get their last stabs at making Lorenzo fall in love with them. Sadie wins because she gives him presents and we love her. Yay! Go Sadie! We know you’re gonna win!
And then all of our worlds come to an end.
The final rose ceremony…curtain up.
Sadie arrives in a hot-ass dress. Her ta-tas look absolutely brilliant, and Lorenzo is awestruck. He knows he loves her. He’s afraid of her untainted vageeg. (That may have been the dirtiest thing this blog has seen since its inception.)
LORENZO THEN RUINS ALL OF OUR LIVES BY SCREWING HER OVER. HE’S LYING TO US AND TO HIMSELF.
I mean. Honestly. Although I called it (because I took a trip to Negativetown) I am still so upset. Literally. I mean, he cried. He KNEW he was making a mistake. He’s just scared of her Virginia.
And then Jen arrives in her disastrous, too-short sparkly dress that made me barf up my pasta (that I made earlier this evening and it was delicious). Welcome back to Florida, folks.
He proposes, I shed 82 tears, and we all kill ourselves.
F the world. I quit.
Until Extra and/or Access Hollywood calls Lorenzo and Jen’s breakup, I bid you adieu…And anxiously await the next Hotty Mc Hot-a-Doc. Hey cute girlfriends, please apply now!!!
I love you all, and I love you Sadie.
MBH
p.s. This evening's awards
1) We are mad at you award: Lorenzo. Stop making bad decisions and faking tears. How dare you fool us into believing your cute cry-baby status!
2) Best line: Chris's (host) line which stated that Lorenzo and Jen "solidified their relationship in the fantasy suite" as he described their history. Basically, they solidified Lorenzo's wenis. Screw their fake relationship.
3) Worst moment: Lorenzo fooling himself into believing he likes Jen.
4) Best guests: Cassie and Aileen. They are amazing.
Monday, November 20, 2006
The Bitches Tell All
And yes they did…
Let’s just admit it now: we are all better people for watching this type of quality television. I felt as though I grew a little this evening as I watched the women espouse their beliefs about how bitchy and horrible and stupid the other contestants were. It really was quite amazing.
There were really few surprises in this season’s “Bitches Tell All,” but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t entertaining.
Erica was a bitch, Agnese didn’t speak English, and the other girls were pissed they didn’t win. Like I said, few surprises.
But what I did enjoy was the following: Erica’s boobs being immeasurably enormous; Agnese slightly comprehending English; and a re-run of Kim the drunk girl falling over on camera after inhaling far too much liquor on the beach in Italy.
When Lorenzo came onstage, we were once again reminded of his lack of an upper lip. After that re-realization, he actually said something cute about waking up next to the same person for the rest of his life. But then I thought of the following…
Two of my spies, Shmeagan and Shmillary Shmalter (their real names have been disguised), saw Prince Lorenzo at a benefit this past weekend here in New York. Let’s just say he was hitting on women. What does that lead us to believe? Is he happily engaged? Has his “romance” already ended like the past 82 seasons of The Bachelor? Is he gayer than the hills because he runs a perfume business?
We are only left to wonder. And wonder we will! Until next week, let’s make some bets. Leave some comments on the site and predict who will win…and when they will break up.
This week’s awards:
1) Best Actor: Erica
2) Worst outfit: Pinky McGee…er…Erica
3) Smallest upper lip: Lorenzo
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. On another note, another spy of mine, Shmisty Shmow, hung out with Ian McKee (my boyfriend and favorite person on this show to date) from the Meredith Bachelorette days this weekend. He asked about me.
p.p.s. Are we DYING with the previews of Lorenzo’s Jersey Mom on next week’s episode?!?!?!
Let’s just admit it now: we are all better people for watching this type of quality television. I felt as though I grew a little this evening as I watched the women espouse their beliefs about how bitchy and horrible and stupid the other contestants were. It really was quite amazing.
There were really few surprises in this season’s “Bitches Tell All,” but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t entertaining.
Erica was a bitch, Agnese didn’t speak English, and the other girls were pissed they didn’t win. Like I said, few surprises.
But what I did enjoy was the following: Erica’s boobs being immeasurably enormous; Agnese slightly comprehending English; and a re-run of Kim the drunk girl falling over on camera after inhaling far too much liquor on the beach in Italy.
When Lorenzo came onstage, we were once again reminded of his lack of an upper lip. After that re-realization, he actually said something cute about waking up next to the same person for the rest of his life. But then I thought of the following…
Two of my spies, Shmeagan and Shmillary Shmalter (their real names have been disguised), saw Prince Lorenzo at a benefit this past weekend here in New York. Let’s just say he was hitting on women. What does that lead us to believe? Is he happily engaged? Has his “romance” already ended like the past 82 seasons of The Bachelor? Is he gayer than the hills because he runs a perfume business?
We are only left to wonder. And wonder we will! Until next week, let’s make some bets. Leave some comments on the site and predict who will win…and when they will break up.
This week’s awards:
1) Best Actor: Erica
2) Worst outfit: Pinky McGee…er…Erica
3) Smallest upper lip: Lorenzo
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. On another note, another spy of mine, Shmisty Shmow, hung out with Ian McKee (my boyfriend and favorite person on this show to date) from the Meredith Bachelorette days this weekend. He asked about me.
p.p.s. Are we DYING with the previews of Lorenzo’s Jersey Mom on next week’s episode?!?!?!
Monday, November 13, 2006
To Bone or Not To Bone?
That is the question.
It’s Fantasy Date Night (aka “To Bone or Not To Bone?”), and we’re once again world travelers with the personality-free Lorenzo and his three babes. To be honest, the evening felt a bit blah, but I blog on…
Stop One: Svveeeeeeden (Sweden). Jen and Lorenzo travel to some random Swedish town we’ve never heard of to decompress after Jen’s dad pulled a gun on Lorenzo. I mean, they’re there to get to know each other more in hopes of boning at the end of the date—let’s be honest. And in order to have the most authentic Swedish experience possible, they go to…wait for it…an amusement park!?!? So weird. But, they do dress up in silver spacesuits when they go to the Icebar. Inside the bar made of ice, I oddly wanted to be there so I could pee on the bar to watch it melt—but that’s beside the point. Anyway, nothing much happens. Jen accepts the Fantasy Suite invitation, and they spend a romantic night together.
Stop Two: Budapest. Crazy, er Lisa, and Lorenzo meet up at a wine festival so Lorenzo can drink himself into the ability to deal with Lisa. Lisa is wearing an ugly dress with sleeves, he interrogates her for five hours, and we hope to God he sends her home.
So far, Lorenzo still has not shown us much personality. We’re annoyed, no?
Stop Three: Sicily. Sadie (the love of my life) and Lorenzo meet up at a classy resort so she can be classy and conservative and classy. I jest...But seriously, she is so cute. Why isn’t she my friend? At first, I feel bad for Sadie because Lorenzo tells her where he's been during the past week. Not fair, against the rules, I hate it. It gets better though. Because Lorenzo is a bit cheesy, they go for a scuba dive indoors. Yes, I said indoors. But that’s not the worst of it. They kiss underwater while dressed in their scuba garb. I screamed so loud, I hurt my vocal cords. It just wasn’t good for anyone. Regardless, Lorenzo is finally visibly in to someone, and it’s kinda cute. After 8.2 hours of deliberation, the “classy and conservative” Sadie decides to take Lorenzo up on the Fantasy Suite. They get comfortable, they get intimate, we love it.
Back in Rome, Lorenzo is looking damn good in his pinstripes and hot tie. Sadie, as always, looks cute. Jen looks good. Lisa is wearing white. What?
For once, I was surprised, because Lorenzo did what we knew he should do.
He chose:
Sadie
Jen
And Lisa went home to meet her next boyfriend so she can get married in a year. Best of luck with that, Lisa.
This week’s awards:
1) Worst kiss: Lorenzo and Sadie’s underwater Scuba-Steve kiss. I hated it. But I love them.
2) Craziest timeline: Lisa’s timeline for her life.
3) Best fashion statement: The silver spacesuits Lorenzo and Jen wore at the Icebar in Sweden. I mean, who wants to hook up with someone wearing a foil anorak complete with boots and mittens?
Love you all…
MBH
It’s Fantasy Date Night (aka “To Bone or Not To Bone?”), and we’re once again world travelers with the personality-free Lorenzo and his three babes. To be honest, the evening felt a bit blah, but I blog on…
Stop One: Svveeeeeeden (Sweden). Jen and Lorenzo travel to some random Swedish town we’ve never heard of to decompress after Jen’s dad pulled a gun on Lorenzo. I mean, they’re there to get to know each other more in hopes of boning at the end of the date—let’s be honest. And in order to have the most authentic Swedish experience possible, they go to…wait for it…an amusement park!?!? So weird. But, they do dress up in silver spacesuits when they go to the Icebar. Inside the bar made of ice, I oddly wanted to be there so I could pee on the bar to watch it melt—but that’s beside the point. Anyway, nothing much happens. Jen accepts the Fantasy Suite invitation, and they spend a romantic night together.
Stop Two: Budapest. Crazy, er Lisa, and Lorenzo meet up at a wine festival so Lorenzo can drink himself into the ability to deal with Lisa. Lisa is wearing an ugly dress with sleeves, he interrogates her for five hours, and we hope to God he sends her home.
So far, Lorenzo still has not shown us much personality. We’re annoyed, no?
Stop Three: Sicily. Sadie (the love of my life) and Lorenzo meet up at a classy resort so she can be classy and conservative and classy. I jest...But seriously, she is so cute. Why isn’t she my friend? At first, I feel bad for Sadie because Lorenzo tells her where he's been during the past week. Not fair, against the rules, I hate it. It gets better though. Because Lorenzo is a bit cheesy, they go for a scuba dive indoors. Yes, I said indoors. But that’s not the worst of it. They kiss underwater while dressed in their scuba garb. I screamed so loud, I hurt my vocal cords. It just wasn’t good for anyone. Regardless, Lorenzo is finally visibly in to someone, and it’s kinda cute. After 8.2 hours of deliberation, the “classy and conservative” Sadie decides to take Lorenzo up on the Fantasy Suite. They get comfortable, they get intimate, we love it.
Back in Rome, Lorenzo is looking damn good in his pinstripes and hot tie. Sadie, as always, looks cute. Jen looks good. Lisa is wearing white. What?
For once, I was surprised, because Lorenzo did what we knew he should do.
He chose:
Sadie
Jen
And Lisa went home to meet her next boyfriend so she can get married in a year. Best of luck with that, Lisa.
This week’s awards:
1) Worst kiss: Lorenzo and Sadie’s underwater Scuba-Steve kiss. I hated it. But I love them.
2) Craziest timeline: Lisa’s timeline for her life.
3) Best fashion statement: The silver spacesuits Lorenzo and Jen wore at the Icebar in Sweden. I mean, who wants to hook up with someone wearing a foil anorak complete with boots and mittens?
Love you all…
MBH
Monday, October 30, 2006
"He use head more than heart."
It’s hometown date time. In other words, this is the episode during which I mute the television the most (if you don't recall, I mute the television when I'm weirded out). I hate it. But I love it so much. Okay, I’m a little emotional right now seeing as I was just oddly touched by the rose ceremony, but I’m going to try to be the bitchy-slash-witty blogger I’ve trained myself to be. So on to the show…
The first hometown date reunites Sadie and Lorenzo in beautiful San Diego for an entirely uneventful date. They meet up, Sadie is cute as always, and they go meet her family. There, Lorenzo meets the awkwardly chubby little sister, the cute best friend and the very kind parents who love Jesus. At this point, we’re still thinking that Lorenzo’s personality can best be described as “diet vanilla.” He’s just a bit boring. Nothing happened at Sadie’s. Nothing.
So next we meet up with Lisa and Lorenzo in Portland, Oregon (otherwise known as the hometown of Meredith from the Bachelorette who picked my boyfriend Ian and inevitably broke up). Lisa is an utter disaster. She immediately reminds us that she has a plan for her life. Engaged in a year, married in two, and kids by 30. Okay, we get it—you’re crazy. Soon Lorenzo learns of her craziness as Lisa’s friend arrives with a wedding dress and they play dress-up. He is sweating bullets as he realizes she’s crazy. In fact, he’s “freaked out.” I couldn’t have worded it better. A bit later, Lorenzo is on the floor doing Pilates with Lisa’s mom, and I’m freaked out as well. Honestly, this whole date is just uncomfortable.
Luckily we get to join up with Jen and Lorenzo in Miami for a totally normal date. By normal, I mean horrifyingly uncomfortable and mute-worthy. Jen is way too excited, her dad is way too militant, and the whole encounter blows. For one second, before he meets her family, Lorenzo is cute and very in to Jen (as she catches a shark of all things while fishing), but then he gets a gun pulled on his ass and he sweats through his shirt. The dad is literally frightening as he pulls out his loaded firearms to intimidate the unsuspecting Lorenzo. Okay, we get that she’s your only daughter, but we don’t get why you need to wear ugly floral shirts while fending off future sons-in-law. I was screaming and muting the telly every five seconds. Lorenzo is so nervous he can’t put together a sentence. We all hate it. Thank god it ends.
And then we fly back to Italia to reunite the lovers who don’t communicate—Agnese and Lorenzo. Yes, it’s awkward and uncomfortable. But wait…before you sign her out of your lives, you first have to get won over by her cute family and her honest intentions. Because clearly they won me over. I’m not lying. I’m almost ashamed to admit I was touched by the cute father, the fun after-dinner dancing, and the monolingual touch to the whole night. But he’s so clearly in to her. They make out at the end. It’s cute. We start to like Agnese. She’s natural, very Italian, very real. And very headed for bad news…
At the rose ceremony, a badly-clad Lorenzo (don’t mix dark suits with dark shirts) chooses his three suitors and sends one a-packin’.
He chooses to have fantasy dates with:
1) Sadie
2) Jen
3) Lisa!?!? No. We hate her!!
Sadly, he says goodbye to Agnese. Seriously, it was sad. Lorenzo showed his first emotions! He cried, I was touched, and I’m pissed. How dare ABC fool me into being touched by this anti-personality Lorenzo! Could he have a personality and a heart after all?
I have to say, Agnese put it best (in bad English): “He use head more than heart.” He actually did. Lorenzo knows it too, because he really liked her and he cried like a little girl (or like a gay) while saying goodbye. Awwwww…
Awards:
1) Freakiest armor-bearing dad: Jen’s father. We’re all scared of you.
2) Worst kiss: The goodbye kiss between Lisa and Lorenzo when Lisa said, “I want more kisses,” and Lorenzo unwillingly obliged with tongueless kisses and skeeved me out.
3) Most touching and unexpected moment: the goodbye between Lorenzo and Agnese. I’m still sad. For real. I’m serious. Oh well, I’m sure they’re boning now because whomever the chick Lorenzo ends up with has already been broken up with…
Until next Monday,
Mike
The first hometown date reunites Sadie and Lorenzo in beautiful San Diego for an entirely uneventful date. They meet up, Sadie is cute as always, and they go meet her family. There, Lorenzo meets the awkwardly chubby little sister, the cute best friend and the very kind parents who love Jesus. At this point, we’re still thinking that Lorenzo’s personality can best be described as “diet vanilla.” He’s just a bit boring. Nothing happened at Sadie’s. Nothing.
So next we meet up with Lisa and Lorenzo in Portland, Oregon (otherwise known as the hometown of Meredith from the Bachelorette who picked my boyfriend Ian and inevitably broke up). Lisa is an utter disaster. She immediately reminds us that she has a plan for her life. Engaged in a year, married in two, and kids by 30. Okay, we get it—you’re crazy. Soon Lorenzo learns of her craziness as Lisa’s friend arrives with a wedding dress and they play dress-up. He is sweating bullets as he realizes she’s crazy. In fact, he’s “freaked out.” I couldn’t have worded it better. A bit later, Lorenzo is on the floor doing Pilates with Lisa’s mom, and I’m freaked out as well. Honestly, this whole date is just uncomfortable.
Luckily we get to join up with Jen and Lorenzo in Miami for a totally normal date. By normal, I mean horrifyingly uncomfortable and mute-worthy. Jen is way too excited, her dad is way too militant, and the whole encounter blows. For one second, before he meets her family, Lorenzo is cute and very in to Jen (as she catches a shark of all things while fishing), but then he gets a gun pulled on his ass and he sweats through his shirt. The dad is literally frightening as he pulls out his loaded firearms to intimidate the unsuspecting Lorenzo. Okay, we get that she’s your only daughter, but we don’t get why you need to wear ugly floral shirts while fending off future sons-in-law. I was screaming and muting the telly every five seconds. Lorenzo is so nervous he can’t put together a sentence. We all hate it. Thank god it ends.
And then we fly back to Italia to reunite the lovers who don’t communicate—Agnese and Lorenzo. Yes, it’s awkward and uncomfortable. But wait…before you sign her out of your lives, you first have to get won over by her cute family and her honest intentions. Because clearly they won me over. I’m not lying. I’m almost ashamed to admit I was touched by the cute father, the fun after-dinner dancing, and the monolingual touch to the whole night. But he’s so clearly in to her. They make out at the end. It’s cute. We start to like Agnese. She’s natural, very Italian, very real. And very headed for bad news…
At the rose ceremony, a badly-clad Lorenzo (don’t mix dark suits with dark shirts) chooses his three suitors and sends one a-packin’.
He chooses to have fantasy dates with:
1) Sadie
2) Jen
3) Lisa!?!? No. We hate her!!
Sadly, he says goodbye to Agnese. Seriously, it was sad. Lorenzo showed his first emotions! He cried, I was touched, and I’m pissed. How dare ABC fool me into being touched by this anti-personality Lorenzo! Could he have a personality and a heart after all?
I have to say, Agnese put it best (in bad English): “He use head more than heart.” He actually did. Lorenzo knows it too, because he really liked her and he cried like a little girl (or like a gay) while saying goodbye. Awwwww…
Awards:
1) Freakiest armor-bearing dad: Jen’s father. We’re all scared of you.
2) Worst kiss: The goodbye kiss between Lisa and Lorenzo when Lisa said, “I want more kisses,” and Lorenzo unwillingly obliged with tongueless kisses and skeeved me out.
3) Most touching and unexpected moment: the goodbye between Lorenzo and Agnese. I’m still sad. For real. I’m serious. Oh well, I’m sure they’re boning now because whomever the chick Lorenzo ends up with has already been broken up with…
Until next Monday,
Mike
Monday, October 23, 2006
Take your top off.
I am back. And let me once again blame Kansas City for ruining my life last week (and your lives too, let's be honest). But on to the show.
The drama starts straight away with the bitches being told by Chris that there will be two one-on-one dates. Who gets these dates? Those who are most deserving. Who determines this? Erica “the socialite” upon her return to the manse wearing a bedazzled pink capelet and her tiara. She determines, after hearing all the hoes say that Lisa sucks, that Sadie and Jen are most deserving (i.e. “Most Sincere” and “Most Deserving of Being a Princess”).
The first date, with Sadie the virgin, is a “fly away” date with Lorenzo the pilot. Sadie looks hot in aviators, and Lorenzo looks even hotter as a pilot. Let’s be honest, anyone who flies a plane automatically becomes 82 times hotter. This may explain why I wanted to be a pilot when I was younger. Back to the point. They then get in the hot tub and don’t make out. Great! Our blue balls are soon taken care of as Sadie kisses him at dinner. It was cute. It was awkward because Lorenzo didn’t slip her the tongue. We’re fine with it because Lorenzo gives her a rose and wants to bone her in her childhood bedroom, I mean meet her parents because he gives her a rose.
The second date unites Jeanette, Lisa, Agnese and Desiree at a toga party. There are horse races, there is swimming, and there is Lorenzo shirtless on the second date in a row. Yay for that. No one gets a rose on this date so we’re left with watching the girls be themselves. By “be themselves” I mean Agnese gets to practice her “English” with Lorenzo. She doesn’t practice so much as she pretends to speak English, but it’s fine. She won’t get a rose anyway…Oh one more thing: Lorenzo looked like a shlong in his ivy headdress.
The final date brought Jen and Lorenzo together in Rome, the city that Lorenzo learns about through an earpiece while spouting off facts to his dates given to him by his producers. It’s really genuine and quite amazing.
Lorenzo is wearing all black and a white jacket. He doesn’t pull it off. During their romantic carriage ride through Rome, Lorenzo used the previously-mentioned earpiece to tell Jen all about the history and fun facts of Rome. They swapped stories about how their parents met and I barfed a little when she told him that her dad “bagged my mom’s groceries.” He bagged more than that is all I’m saying…
Then Lorenzo told her some unenthusiastic story about his parents and how they ruled New Jersey or something. He gives Jen a rose. Immediately after that, Jen tells her that her dad is “a little crazy” and we realize this after seeing her dad hold a firearm in the previews for next week.
During the final date, the hoes at home got a little crazy and streaked the lawn. This was highlight of the evening. “Take your top off!” screamed Desiree. I was in heaven.
At the rose ceremony, Lorenzo “struggled” with his decision to send two girls home. "I don't want six women in my life; I want one." Well put, Lorenzo, well put.
He gave roses to:
1) Sadie
2) Jen
3) Lisa
4) Agnese. WHAT?!? I will be muting his visit to her house next week. It will be so horribly awkward I will literally drink 9 bottles of wine in 8 minutes in order to soothe the pain. Honestly, call me during this date because I will need distraction. I am giving you free reign to violate the “no call” rule during The Bachelor.
Poor Desiree and Jeanette.
I’m sad to see Desiree go, even though she says “baby” every four seconds. But she took her top off and I loved it.
This week’s awards:
1) The Does He Really Have a Personality? award goes to: Lorenzo. Does he or doesn’t he?
2) The Least Grammatically Correct award goes to: Desiree. “Tequilia” and “Proudness” earned her this one. Desiree, it’s tequila and it’s pride. Go back and study, baby.
3) The Take Your Top Off Award: Aileen and Cassie. Take your tops off!
Until next week, take your tops off and drink some Tequilia.
Mike
The drama starts straight away with the bitches being told by Chris that there will be two one-on-one dates. Who gets these dates? Those who are most deserving. Who determines this? Erica “the socialite” upon her return to the manse wearing a bedazzled pink capelet and her tiara. She determines, after hearing all the hoes say that Lisa sucks, that Sadie and Jen are most deserving (i.e. “Most Sincere” and “Most Deserving of Being a Princess”).
The first date, with Sadie the virgin, is a “fly away” date with Lorenzo the pilot. Sadie looks hot in aviators, and Lorenzo looks even hotter as a pilot. Let’s be honest, anyone who flies a plane automatically becomes 82 times hotter. This may explain why I wanted to be a pilot when I was younger. Back to the point. They then get in the hot tub and don’t make out. Great! Our blue balls are soon taken care of as Sadie kisses him at dinner. It was cute. It was awkward because Lorenzo didn’t slip her the tongue. We’re fine with it because Lorenzo gives her a rose and wants to bone her in her childhood bedroom, I mean meet her parents because he gives her a rose.
The second date unites Jeanette, Lisa, Agnese and Desiree at a toga party. There are horse races, there is swimming, and there is Lorenzo shirtless on the second date in a row. Yay for that. No one gets a rose on this date so we’re left with watching the girls be themselves. By “be themselves” I mean Agnese gets to practice her “English” with Lorenzo. She doesn’t practice so much as she pretends to speak English, but it’s fine. She won’t get a rose anyway…Oh one more thing: Lorenzo looked like a shlong in his ivy headdress.
The final date brought Jen and Lorenzo together in Rome, the city that Lorenzo learns about through an earpiece while spouting off facts to his dates given to him by his producers. It’s really genuine and quite amazing.
Lorenzo is wearing all black and a white jacket. He doesn’t pull it off. During their romantic carriage ride through Rome, Lorenzo used the previously-mentioned earpiece to tell Jen all about the history and fun facts of Rome. They swapped stories about how their parents met and I barfed a little when she told him that her dad “bagged my mom’s groceries.” He bagged more than that is all I’m saying…
Then Lorenzo told her some unenthusiastic story about his parents and how they ruled New Jersey or something. He gives Jen a rose. Immediately after that, Jen tells her that her dad is “a little crazy” and we realize this after seeing her dad hold a firearm in the previews for next week.
During the final date, the hoes at home got a little crazy and streaked the lawn. This was highlight of the evening. “Take your top off!” screamed Desiree. I was in heaven.
At the rose ceremony, Lorenzo “struggled” with his decision to send two girls home. "I don't want six women in my life; I want one." Well put, Lorenzo, well put.
He gave roses to:
1) Sadie
2) Jen
3) Lisa
4) Agnese. WHAT?!? I will be muting his visit to her house next week. It will be so horribly awkward I will literally drink 9 bottles of wine in 8 minutes in order to soothe the pain. Honestly, call me during this date because I will need distraction. I am giving you free reign to violate the “no call” rule during The Bachelor.
Poor Desiree and Jeanette.
I’m sad to see Desiree go, even though she says “baby” every four seconds. But she took her top off and I loved it.
This week’s awards:
1) The Does He Really Have a Personality? award goes to: Lorenzo. Does he or doesn’t he?
2) The Least Grammatically Correct award goes to: Desiree. “Tequilia” and “Proudness” earned her this one. Desiree, it’s tequila and it’s pride. Go back and study, baby.
3) The Take Your Top Off Award: Aileen and Cassie. Take your tops off!
Until next week, take your tops off and drink some Tequilia.
Mike
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I've failed you.
Devotees of me,
I have failed you. Since I'm very busy and important, I was away from the TV during last night's episode. Kansas City is simply too fabulous to allow me to watch my reason for living.
I've been seriously depressed all day--but my spirits were lifted after hearing of Erica the "Socialite's" breakdown after being dissed my Prince Jersey.
I promise next week's update will change your life. Until then, feel free to hate me.
Mike
I have failed you. Since I'm very busy and important, I was away from the TV during last night's episode. Kansas City is simply too fabulous to allow me to watch my reason for living.
I've been seriously depressed all day--but my spirits were lifted after hearing of Erica the "Socialite's" breakdown after being dissed my Prince Jersey.
I promise next week's update will change your life. Until then, feel free to hate me.
Mike
Monday, October 09, 2006
"I do judge." We all do.
On this glorious day on which we celebrate the life of Christopher Columbus, our delightful evening begins with the announcement that there will be three dates: two group dates; and one individual date. It also begins with Erica the “socialite” wearing a tiara. Gross.
The first date (hereafter referred to as “Date One”) includes Erica, Jami, Ellen, Sadie (love her), and Agnese the Italian incommunicado.
Date One begins with the girls and Lorenzo touring the city of Rome. They visit the Colosseum, and ride around on mopeds. Erica regales him with tales—I mean word vomit—of her exes, and we question her decisions for the first time (of 98402 times) this evening.
The girls then choose dresses for the cocktail party, and we re-join Erica in her perpetual state of disaster. Some key quotes: “Jami didn’t go to college.” “I do judge.” Amazing.
Nothing else of note happens besides Sadie receiving a first rose and continuing to be cute.
Date Two is the individual date between Lisa and Lorenzo. It’s in Villa Borghese. You don’t say?? Lorenzo spats of stats about his namesake park that were given to him five minutes before by the producers, and we’re totally impressed.
Well, Lisa, with her love-life mapped out, arrives and the two have a romantic time in the park. Lisa tells us her beliefs about The Bachelor by saying that “this process does work.” We all laugh, knowing that it clearly does not. But we keep watching because we love it.
Meanwhile at the manse: the inevitable virginity talk ensues between the ladies left at home and we learn that Sadie is a card-carrying member of the dwindling Virgin Club. Great.
Back at Date Two, we’re upset that Lorenzo’s t-shirt is poking out from his polo sleeves and we hate it. He gives her a rose.
Date Three (a.k.a. Boobs and Bikinis). Key players: Desiree, Kim, Jeanette, Sarah, Jennifer and Gina.
The lovers take helicopters to the beach and Kim gets absolutely hammered and I love every minute of it. Key moment: we FINALLY see Lorenzo shirtless and it’s good. He has an awkward tan, but we can accept that he has a hot bod.
They play football in the nude (almost) and it’s fun. There was great moment of girl-on-girl action with boob-grabbing action. Jennifer gets the rose and we’re fine with it. But back to Kim. She’s WASTED and I can’t get enough of it—especially when she is awakened by Lorenzo and she starts speaking drunken gibberish thinking he’s a waiter. Brilliant. Oh, and how about when she fell after being interviewed? You can’t write this stuff.
Before the rose ceremony, Lorenzo makes last-minute decisions on who to keep. The girls make their last efforts.
Agnese, the non-English speaking Italian tries to make out with Lorenzo. A hungover Kim can’t own up to the fact that she passed out the day before, and says she was just “tired.” Yeah, tired from pounding 82 drinks. Lisa says mean stuff and then denies it. Is she going to be the enemy of the season?
With very little drama, and predictable bad choices, the rose ceremony begins. The first three roses are sealed, and he has six more girls to choose.
1) Sadie
2) Lisa
3) Jennifer
4) Jeanette
5) Desiree…god, how many more “babies” can we handle?
6) Jami. I’m surprised she could string a sentence together since she’s not college-educated and all.
7) Gina
8) Agnese. How many more attempts at the English language can she make??
9) Erica, the “socialite” disaster that we all knew would stay because ABC sucks.
This week’s awards.
1) Biggest surprise: Sarah, the black Canadian going home. I mean, what more could she have brought to the table? She could have been missing a leg, I guess.
2) Smallest upper lip: Lorenzo. Has anyone else noticed this?
3) Quote of the week: “He’s not a commoner” (about Lorenzo). “I do judge.” Both from Erica’s horrendous lips. We hate her. And stop playing with your hair, you spoiled Texan disaster!
Until next week, at which point I will blog from Kansas City,
Mike
The first date (hereafter referred to as “Date One”) includes Erica, Jami, Ellen, Sadie (love her), and Agnese the Italian incommunicado.
Date One begins with the girls and Lorenzo touring the city of Rome. They visit the Colosseum, and ride around on mopeds. Erica regales him with tales—I mean word vomit—of her exes, and we question her decisions for the first time (of 98402 times) this evening.
The girls then choose dresses for the cocktail party, and we re-join Erica in her perpetual state of disaster. Some key quotes: “Jami didn’t go to college.” “I do judge.” Amazing.
Nothing else of note happens besides Sadie receiving a first rose and continuing to be cute.
Date Two is the individual date between Lisa and Lorenzo. It’s in Villa Borghese. You don’t say?? Lorenzo spats of stats about his namesake park that were given to him five minutes before by the producers, and we’re totally impressed.
Well, Lisa, with her love-life mapped out, arrives and the two have a romantic time in the park. Lisa tells us her beliefs about The Bachelor by saying that “this process does work.” We all laugh, knowing that it clearly does not. But we keep watching because we love it.
Meanwhile at the manse: the inevitable virginity talk ensues between the ladies left at home and we learn that Sadie is a card-carrying member of the dwindling Virgin Club. Great.
Back at Date Two, we’re upset that Lorenzo’s t-shirt is poking out from his polo sleeves and we hate it. He gives her a rose.
Date Three (a.k.a. Boobs and Bikinis). Key players: Desiree, Kim, Jeanette, Sarah, Jennifer and Gina.
The lovers take helicopters to the beach and Kim gets absolutely hammered and I love every minute of it. Key moment: we FINALLY see Lorenzo shirtless and it’s good. He has an awkward tan, but we can accept that he has a hot bod.
They play football in the nude (almost) and it’s fun. There was great moment of girl-on-girl action with boob-grabbing action. Jennifer gets the rose and we’re fine with it. But back to Kim. She’s WASTED and I can’t get enough of it—especially when she is awakened by Lorenzo and she starts speaking drunken gibberish thinking he’s a waiter. Brilliant. Oh, and how about when she fell after being interviewed? You can’t write this stuff.
Before the rose ceremony, Lorenzo makes last-minute decisions on who to keep. The girls make their last efforts.
Agnese, the non-English speaking Italian tries to make out with Lorenzo. A hungover Kim can’t own up to the fact that she passed out the day before, and says she was just “tired.” Yeah, tired from pounding 82 drinks. Lisa says mean stuff and then denies it. Is she going to be the enemy of the season?
With very little drama, and predictable bad choices, the rose ceremony begins. The first three roses are sealed, and he has six more girls to choose.
1) Sadie
2) Lisa
3) Jennifer
4) Jeanette
5) Desiree…god, how many more “babies” can we handle?
6) Jami. I’m surprised she could string a sentence together since she’s not college-educated and all.
7) Gina
8) Agnese. How many more attempts at the English language can she make??
9) Erica, the “socialite” disaster that we all knew would stay because ABC sucks.
This week’s awards.
1) Biggest surprise: Sarah, the black Canadian going home. I mean, what more could she have brought to the table? She could have been missing a leg, I guess.
2) Smallest upper lip: Lorenzo. Has anyone else noticed this?
3) Quote of the week: “He’s not a commoner” (about Lorenzo). “I do judge.” Both from Erica’s horrendous lips. We hate her. And stop playing with your hair, you spoiled Texan disaster!
Until next week, at which point I will blog from Kansas City,
Mike
Monday, October 02, 2006
Let the drama begin!
As I settled in front of the TV in Villa Hondorp (that’s Italian for “Hondorp’s Amazingly Spacious Estate”) with a steamy plate of Chicken Parmesan in front of me, I watched as the disaster began. I use the word “disaster” in the best of all possible senses. My heart raced, my tummy turned…so I drank some more wine.
Price Lorenzo Borghese is hot, and five minutes into the show I’m wondering why he hasn’t taken his shirt off. Seriously. Show us the guns.
But then I’m distracted by the sight of his mother, “Princess” Amanda Borghese, a.k.a. Princess McJersey. She has kept the burgeoning plastic surgery clinic in central Jersey alive for years now, and we’re proud of her. But on to the show…
Sidenote: are we convinced that Lorenzo is an amazing bachelor? The jury is out. He’s hot, yes. But what does he bring to the table? Ponder that while you read on. Also ponder his big schnoz.
I could mock 82 more things about Lorenzo, his family, his ties to some random Pope, but let’s get to the arrival of the 25 bitches, I mean women. No need to chronicle them all, but let’s hit up some highlights.
April is a “model.” Her business is showing in her slit-to-the-gills dress and we’re embarrassed.
Jessica is wearing a bad teal dress.
Some chick from Ohio is a Beer Chemist. She’s my best friend. I want her job.
Meri from Mississippi is not doing the dumbest state in the union any favors. “I went to SMU, have you heard of it?” Yes, Meri, we’ve heard of it. Anyone with money has heard of it, so Lorenzo has clearly heard of it. And so have I. I mean, I live at Villa Hondorp for God’s sake!
Rosella, the tragic Clinique counter girl (“Make-up Artist) is Chicago O’Bad Accent. Yikes.
Sarah is the black Canadian. She’s a damn shoe-in.
Desiree, one of the more tragic events of the night, is wearing a tragic dress, says tragic things like “baby” every four words, and brings the Mormons in her hometown of Salt Lake City much sadness. Pure trash, thankyouverymuch.
Erica the socialite, is Texas trash, and we all hate her. Thus, she’ll be around for far too long. “I flew coach for you. You should be flattered.” Flattered or appalled? Sick. Go back to the Houston Galleria and spend more of Daddy’s millions.
Heather is a drunken disaster.
Andrea sings pathetic opera, and we gag.
Sadie is cuter than anything. I want to be fun and sarcastic with her. Her comments about “24 extra people here” and “you better be worth it” were priceless and fun. Love her.
Lisa, a tree-hugging Oregonian, gets the first rose. She’s cute and normal. I might be fine with her.
Two random, non-English speaking Italian tramps show up, we’re over it.
Okay…on to the fun. Don’t worry, the sun has now risen. The girls look like ass, they’re wasted and tired and haggard and hungover, and they just want the damn roses. ABC is brilliant. Brilliant, I tell you. Push stupid people to their limits so as to ignite the drama. Brilliant!
Prior to the rose ceremony, Lorenzo gives us all the “my future wife could be here,” and “at the end of this, I could be on one knee proposing to my future wife” ridiculous one-liners that we’ve heard in the first episode of the past 928747 seasons. Lorenzo, have you studied the results of the previous ABC-financed calamities? I have. ONE couple have been married, and that wasn’t on The Bachelor, that was The Bachelorette! NO OTHERS have survived the initial “love” the found on TV. Thanks. But I share your hope, Lorenzo. And I share the desire of the ladies to see you shirtless.
And Lorenzo begins a to-be-expected “dramatic” rose ceremony.
1) Lisa. Got the first rose and earrings.
2) Kim
3) Jeanette
4) Jami
5) Ellen. Seems like good people.
6) Sarah. What did I tell you, ayyy?
7) Desiree. We’re not surprised, we’re just sad for America.
8) Jennifer
9) Gina. She makes snotty faces.
10) Erica. “Oh my gosh, I’m so happy. You have no idea!” Vomit.
11) Sadie. Cute.
12) Anyaze (sp???). Girl can’t speak English! Are you kidding?
The rest of the losers and drunkards go home. One surprise? Annoying Chicago Italian chick, Rosella, went home. I mean, she sold her car! So sad for her. I actually had a moment of emotion.
The winners toasted their champagne at 6 a.m., and passed out for 25 hours.
This week’s awards:
1) “Bad idea” dress: April’s. Let’s not bare it all on the first night.
2) Best dress: Rita from Richmond. Hot. Too bad you’re going home.
3) Best impression award: Sadie. We love you. Keep the sarcastic remarks a-comin’.
4) Biggest Trainwreck: Desiree. “Baby,” go home.
Until next week,
Mike my-reason-for-living-is-back-on-air Hondorp
p.s. How much fun were the scenes of the upcoming season?? Lorenzo cries?! Bitches go crazy?! I can’t deal!
Price Lorenzo Borghese is hot, and five minutes into the show I’m wondering why he hasn’t taken his shirt off. Seriously. Show us the guns.
But then I’m distracted by the sight of his mother, “Princess” Amanda Borghese, a.k.a. Princess McJersey. She has kept the burgeoning plastic surgery clinic in central Jersey alive for years now, and we’re proud of her. But on to the show…
Sidenote: are we convinced that Lorenzo is an amazing bachelor? The jury is out. He’s hot, yes. But what does he bring to the table? Ponder that while you read on. Also ponder his big schnoz.
I could mock 82 more things about Lorenzo, his family, his ties to some random Pope, but let’s get to the arrival of the 25 bitches, I mean women. No need to chronicle them all, but let’s hit up some highlights.
April is a “model.” Her business is showing in her slit-to-the-gills dress and we’re embarrassed.
Jessica is wearing a bad teal dress.
Some chick from Ohio is a Beer Chemist. She’s my best friend. I want her job.
Meri from Mississippi is not doing the dumbest state in the union any favors. “I went to SMU, have you heard of it?” Yes, Meri, we’ve heard of it. Anyone with money has heard of it, so Lorenzo has clearly heard of it. And so have I. I mean, I live at Villa Hondorp for God’s sake!
Rosella, the tragic Clinique counter girl (“Make-up Artist) is Chicago O’Bad Accent. Yikes.
Sarah is the black Canadian. She’s a damn shoe-in.
Desiree, one of the more tragic events of the night, is wearing a tragic dress, says tragic things like “baby” every four words, and brings the Mormons in her hometown of Salt Lake City much sadness. Pure trash, thankyouverymuch.
Erica the socialite, is Texas trash, and we all hate her. Thus, she’ll be around for far too long. “I flew coach for you. You should be flattered.” Flattered or appalled? Sick. Go back to the Houston Galleria and spend more of Daddy’s millions.
Heather is a drunken disaster.
Andrea sings pathetic opera, and we gag.
Sadie is cuter than anything. I want to be fun and sarcastic with her. Her comments about “24 extra people here” and “you better be worth it” were priceless and fun. Love her.
Lisa, a tree-hugging Oregonian, gets the first rose. She’s cute and normal. I might be fine with her.
Two random, non-English speaking Italian tramps show up, we’re over it.
Okay…on to the fun. Don’t worry, the sun has now risen. The girls look like ass, they’re wasted and tired and haggard and hungover, and they just want the damn roses. ABC is brilliant. Brilliant, I tell you. Push stupid people to their limits so as to ignite the drama. Brilliant!
Prior to the rose ceremony, Lorenzo gives us all the “my future wife could be here,” and “at the end of this, I could be on one knee proposing to my future wife” ridiculous one-liners that we’ve heard in the first episode of the past 928747 seasons. Lorenzo, have you studied the results of the previous ABC-financed calamities? I have. ONE couple have been married, and that wasn’t on The Bachelor, that was The Bachelorette! NO OTHERS have survived the initial “love” the found on TV. Thanks. But I share your hope, Lorenzo. And I share the desire of the ladies to see you shirtless.
And Lorenzo begins a to-be-expected “dramatic” rose ceremony.
1) Lisa. Got the first rose and earrings.
2) Kim
3) Jeanette
4) Jami
5) Ellen. Seems like good people.
6) Sarah. What did I tell you, ayyy?
7) Desiree. We’re not surprised, we’re just sad for America.
8) Jennifer
9) Gina. She makes snotty faces.
10) Erica. “Oh my gosh, I’m so happy. You have no idea!” Vomit.
11) Sadie. Cute.
12) Anyaze (sp???). Girl can’t speak English! Are you kidding?
The rest of the losers and drunkards go home. One surprise? Annoying Chicago Italian chick, Rosella, went home. I mean, she sold her car! So sad for her. I actually had a moment of emotion.
The winners toasted their champagne at 6 a.m., and passed out for 25 hours.
This week’s awards:
1) “Bad idea” dress: April’s. Let’s not bare it all on the first night.
2) Best dress: Rita from Richmond. Hot. Too bad you’re going home.
3) Best impression award: Sadie. We love you. Keep the sarcastic remarks a-comin’.
4) Biggest Trainwreck: Desiree. “Baby,” go home.
Until next week,
Mike my-reason-for-living-is-back-on-air Hondorp
p.s. How much fun were the scenes of the upcoming season?? Lorenzo cries?! Bitches go crazy?! I can’t deal!
The madness begins at 9 p.m.
Who: Some "prince" from Italy
What: The Bachelor Rome
When: 9 p.m. tonight on ABC
Why: Because you love me. And because you can't resist yet another inevitable trainwreck.
Where: Um...I presume in front of your TV on your couch.
Be there.
What: The Bachelor Rome
When: 9 p.m. tonight on ABC
Why: Because you love me. And because you can't resist yet another inevitable trainwreck.
Where: Um...I presume in front of your TV on your couch.
Be there.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
The Prince's Bride?
Friends and foes,
ABC called me today to let me know they have chosen the new bachelor.
He's rich, he's an Italian prince, and he's...a cosmetics executive?!?
Here we go again...another gay bachelor.
Wait for it.
http://abc.go.com/primetime/schedule/2006-07/bachelor.html
ABC called me today to let me know they have chosen the new bachelor.
He's rich, he's an Italian prince, and he's...a cosmetics executive?!?
Here we go again...another gay bachelor.
Wait for it.
http://abc.go.com/primetime/schedule/2006-07/bachelor.html
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
SURPRISE OF THE CENTURY...
...or notsomuch.
http://tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060307/ENTERTAINMENT12/603070351/1005/ENTERTAINMENT
Although we knew the minute it aired, the couple have officially split.
And The Bachelor busts again. How long can my lifeblood continue to disappoint me?
http://tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060307/ENTERTAINMENT12/603070351/1005/ENTERTAINMENT
Although we knew the minute it aired, the couple have officially split.
And The Bachelor busts again. How long can my lifeblood continue to disappoint me?
Monday, February 27, 2006
This "rocked me to the core!!"
The surprise of the century begins when Travis’s family arrives in Paris. Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-law and two nieces arrive to see Travis on the verge of ruining a woman’s life, and making the life (let’s be honest, maybe six months max) of another.
Sarah is the first lucky one to meet the fam. They meet at an indoor park where her inner kindergarten teacher comes out in a gooby and annoying scene. Cute, immature, whatever. Then, the parents show. Mom’s man-lion hair can’t fit through the door, and we love it. The parents are a bit scary, but Sarah wins them over with her Southern charm. It’s a bit awkward, but we’re fine with it b/c we know he’s choosing Moana.
The second awkward meeting involves Moana, the soon-to-be winner. They meet at the zoo. I barf in my mouth. They all share private moments with Moana, including dumpy brother-in-law. Then, Mom and Dad pose questions to which Moana has no answer at dinner. It’s about the most uncomfortable moment in Bachelor history. Then she pulls through with a quote for the ages which I’ve clearly forgotten. Oh, then she tells them that Travis has “rocked me to the core.” I die. And so do all of you.
After the parent meetings, the girls’ moms arrive and go shopping with the hoes. The shop for rings, they shop for dresses. Okay, serious moment: both girls looked hot as hell in their final dresses. Seriously, Moana was sexy as hell and Sarah was gorgeous. Both sets of boobs were fantastic, as were the asses. Moana’s mom is basically her sister, and Sarah’s mom is chubby. Little else to report.
Then, the REAL final dates happen. Sarah looks hot and pretends to play tennis in a cute tennis dress. Travis is good at tennis, and humors Sarah b/c we all know he’s dumping her. They share a nice dinner where Travis won’t look at Sarah in the eyes, and leaves soon after b/c he’s uncomfortable spending alone time with her. He’s thinking of boning Moana, and we all know it. Sarah basically throws herself at him, goes in for 82 kisses, and Travis barely gives in. No tongue! I hated it. It was awful, and he was so horribly not into her.
Next, Moana cooks dinner for Travis. He loves every second of it and makes out with her. She says, “You’re amazing.” I say this: is Travis really that amazing? Let’s think about it. I think not. Yes, he’s hot. Yes, he has biceps for days. And yes, I’d make out with him. But is he really THAT amazing? I think not. He’s vanilla, according to Aileen (my lover).
Finally, we’re to the final rose ceremony. Travis says his mind is made up, and this is a Bachelor first. I’m impressed. And waiting for him to choose Moana.
And then…
HE CHOOSES SARAH!!!!!
I’m dead and dying. At this point, my voice is gone. I’ve literally never screamed so loud at the TV. Travis dried Moana up for years, and I actually feel bad. Her tears, for once, seemed real. How dare ABC lead us on!!
Sarah, on the other hand, seems rather unenthused. Travis says, “I choose you.” Sarah doesn’t react.
He gives her a necklace with a ring on it, which is code for, “We’re breaking up in two months.”
I’m dead. I can’t. And I’m done.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Cutest: Whitney, the niece.
2) Best line: “Rocked me to the core.”—Moana
3) Most amazing: Cassie and Aileen
4) Best pronunciation: a) “Withdrawwwlll”—Moana, trying to say “withdrawal.” b) “Expecially”—Sarah, trying to say “especially.” Amazing. And maybe a little bit dumb.
I have nothing else. Is this a dream? Did he really choose Moana? Who really cares? Sarah and Travis are breaking up yesterday.
More to come…
With all my lerve,
Mike
Sarah is the first lucky one to meet the fam. They meet at an indoor park where her inner kindergarten teacher comes out in a gooby and annoying scene. Cute, immature, whatever. Then, the parents show. Mom’s man-lion hair can’t fit through the door, and we love it. The parents are a bit scary, but Sarah wins them over with her Southern charm. It’s a bit awkward, but we’re fine with it b/c we know he’s choosing Moana.
The second awkward meeting involves Moana, the soon-to-be winner. They meet at the zoo. I barf in my mouth. They all share private moments with Moana, including dumpy brother-in-law. Then, Mom and Dad pose questions to which Moana has no answer at dinner. It’s about the most uncomfortable moment in Bachelor history. Then she pulls through with a quote for the ages which I’ve clearly forgotten. Oh, then she tells them that Travis has “rocked me to the core.” I die. And so do all of you.
After the parent meetings, the girls’ moms arrive and go shopping with the hoes. The shop for rings, they shop for dresses. Okay, serious moment: both girls looked hot as hell in their final dresses. Seriously, Moana was sexy as hell and Sarah was gorgeous. Both sets of boobs were fantastic, as were the asses. Moana’s mom is basically her sister, and Sarah’s mom is chubby. Little else to report.
Then, the REAL final dates happen. Sarah looks hot and pretends to play tennis in a cute tennis dress. Travis is good at tennis, and humors Sarah b/c we all know he’s dumping her. They share a nice dinner where Travis won’t look at Sarah in the eyes, and leaves soon after b/c he’s uncomfortable spending alone time with her. He’s thinking of boning Moana, and we all know it. Sarah basically throws herself at him, goes in for 82 kisses, and Travis barely gives in. No tongue! I hated it. It was awful, and he was so horribly not into her.
Next, Moana cooks dinner for Travis. He loves every second of it and makes out with her. She says, “You’re amazing.” I say this: is Travis really that amazing? Let’s think about it. I think not. Yes, he’s hot. Yes, he has biceps for days. And yes, I’d make out with him. But is he really THAT amazing? I think not. He’s vanilla, according to Aileen (my lover).
Finally, we’re to the final rose ceremony. Travis says his mind is made up, and this is a Bachelor first. I’m impressed. And waiting for him to choose Moana.
And then…
HE CHOOSES SARAH!!!!!
I’m dead and dying. At this point, my voice is gone. I’ve literally never screamed so loud at the TV. Travis dried Moana up for years, and I actually feel bad. Her tears, for once, seemed real. How dare ABC lead us on!!
Sarah, on the other hand, seems rather unenthused. Travis says, “I choose you.” Sarah doesn’t react.
He gives her a necklace with a ring on it, which is code for, “We’re breaking up in two months.”
I’m dead. I can’t. And I’m done.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Cutest: Whitney, the niece.
2) Best line: “Rocked me to the core.”—Moana
3) Most amazing: Cassie and Aileen
4) Best pronunciation: a) “Withdrawwwlll”—Moana, trying to say “withdrawal.” b) “Expecially”—Sarah, trying to say “especially.” Amazing. And maybe a little bit dumb.
I have nothing else. Is this a dream? Did he really choose Moana? Who really cares? Sarah and Travis are breaking up yesterday.
More to come…
With all my lerve,
Mike
Monday, February 20, 2006
“Your Family Pretty Much Threw You Under the Bus”
It was the Bitches Tell All episode, and, being on the road with little better to do, I had to watch. Live from Dallas, it’s my blog.
This won’t be as long as last week, but here are a few highlights.
The first in the hot-seat was Susan (whose family “threw her under the bus”). She sheds the first tears of the evening when every raging bitch rips into her. Led by the angsty Jennifer, the jealous hoes gang up on Susan’s intentions and motives. A few of the earlier-dissed girls defend her, and I side with them. But seriously, BitchFest USA 2006 was pretty hardcore. And I now hate Jennifer—although I loved how Susan went from “falling in love” with Travis to “being in love” with Travis in one sentence.
Next, Stony McStoned-a-lot takes the stage. Sarah from some random country is cute, and she is over Jennifer’s bitchiness.
Next, a cute Kristen saddles up. Her orange-peel teeth haunt us again, but we realize she’s kinda nice and stuff.
Then, Ali G. (or lack thereof) is the focus. She (SURPRISE!!) has declined to show. Brilliant. Maybe it’s because she’s a raging crazy person.
Travis soon arrives, and—as always—he’s a diplomat. Boring…yet chiseled.
Honestly, this is the first time I’ve blogged the Bitches Tell All.
Awards:
Craziest: Da Ali G
Most Jealous: Jennifer
Most Texan: Me. My Texas Tour lasts all week. I plan on buying cowboy boots.
Until the Finale,
Mike
This won’t be as long as last week, but here are a few highlights.
The first in the hot-seat was Susan (whose family “threw her under the bus”). She sheds the first tears of the evening when every raging bitch rips into her. Led by the angsty Jennifer, the jealous hoes gang up on Susan’s intentions and motives. A few of the earlier-dissed girls defend her, and I side with them. But seriously, BitchFest USA 2006 was pretty hardcore. And I now hate Jennifer—although I loved how Susan went from “falling in love” with Travis to “being in love” with Travis in one sentence.
Next, Stony McStoned-a-lot takes the stage. Sarah from some random country is cute, and she is over Jennifer’s bitchiness.
Next, a cute Kristen saddles up. Her orange-peel teeth haunt us again, but we realize she’s kinda nice and stuff.
Then, Ali G. (or lack thereof) is the focus. She (SURPRISE!!) has declined to show. Brilliant. Maybe it’s because she’s a raging crazy person.
Travis soon arrives, and—as always—he’s a diplomat. Boring…yet chiseled.
Honestly, this is the first time I’ve blogged the Bitches Tell All.
Awards:
Craziest: Da Ali G
Most Jealous: Jennifer
Most Texan: Me. My Texas Tour lasts all week. I plan on buying cowboy boots.
Until the Finale,
Mike
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
True Life: I'm a blogger.
This past week we took some action shots. Publicist thought it a good idea to allow my readers an opportunity to see me in action.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
“I’m not gonna promise anything that I can’t promise.”
Live from LA, it’s me (joined by John and Lindsey). Lindsey and John may be referenced throughout this update, so be prepared. They’re both inappropriate, just like me. That’s the only reason I like them.
So we begin the episode with three chicks left: Moana, Sarah TN, and Susan.
Just kidding, we actually begin the episode with a 45-minute montage of bullsh*t from the past 94785 seasons. We get to see raging bitch Trish from the Jesse Palmer season, Jerry O’Connell’s brother who we don’t remember, and also Bassy McFishalot and Mary McCuban (aka the “tanorexics” [credit to Lindsey]) from the season we didn’t watch. Who knew that O’Connell and McFishalot secured lovers? I didn’t watch, and neither did you.
Juicy deets from past seasons aside, I’m pissed at ABC for making this episode two hours long. The 45-minute intro was uncalled for, and ABC needs to search for revenue elsewhere. I’m in LA and I’d rather be in some lame West Hollywood bar at which I could make fun of lame LA people instead of being holed up in my fabulous (mind you) hotel room on the Sunset Strip with a view of the hills, the pool, and the skyline. Oh, the only fabulous thing here isn’t just my hotel. There’s also me. Hi, I’m Mike, and I’m fabulous.
After I shot myself nine times, the first overnight date begins in smelly Venice. Moana and Hotty Mc-Hot-a-Doc meet in the pigeon-infested city, and actually let the rats with wings fly all over them. After barfing, I return to the TV and join the lovers on their dinner date where Travis toasts himself to being with the “most beautiful woman in Venice.” By beautiful, he means, “your hair is dyed FAR too black.”
Travis says gooby things at dinner, and my vomiting continues. Then he gives her the letter inviting sex in a room together (aka the “fantasy suite”). Moana pulls out the insecurity card, and Travis says, “I’m not gonna promise anything I can’t promise.” Clearly he read that in President Bush’s latest diary entry. They have wild passionate in the fantasy suite, and we see and/or hear nothing. I hate it.
Vienna is the setting for Date 2. Sarah TN meets Hotty Doc in Austria, and they ride a ferris wheel. He doesn’t like her like he likes Moana and we all know it. Lindsey thinks her turtleneck looks straight out of Jacklyn Smith’s K-Mart Pumpkin Spice Collection. I agree. John, ADD for days, is disinterested and drawing on his arm. I, at this point, love that Travis is shirtless. They kiss, although not with tongue. So it’s not hot and I hate it.
Then they have a chat, kiss, and we all die again. It was the most unromantic moment in America. Ewwwwww…and there we have it. Sarah is the frontrunner for losing! She’s as boring as Jenna Jameson giving Ricky Martin a lapdance. She’s a big herpe and we’re Valtrexing her out of our life. This, by the way, is my new favorite saying. Use it in a sentence today. (Credit goes to Lindsey).
Date 3 is somewhere special that I don’t remember (I was filling my wine glass). Travis confronts Susan’s acting ambitions. And they’re wearing helmets which makes it more romantic. Lindsey says, “Having a serious conversation while wearing helmets is almost the equivalent of having an IQ test on a shortbus.”
Susan feigns tears and emotions after being confronted, but we all know it’s just some monologue she memorized prior to taping.
Travis keeps questioning her…I’m getting over it. He’s more interested in the fondue that he is she. Then they get in their bathing suits and we’re happy again. Then they have an awkward kiss.
Back in Paris, the hoes send video messages. Travis says he’s sad.
Then everyone shows up in ugly dresses. Oh yay.
And the roses go to:
1) Moana (duh)
2) Sarah TN
Susan gets Valtrexed. We think it’s because of the helmet. But she was the prettiest. And that’s all that matters (because I’m in LA, not b/c I’m mean. Just kidding).
Gross with their parting remarks. “I swear I’ll never forget you.” What is this, a Titanic meets Cold Mountain moment? I hate it.
Okay, I’m off to make the most of LA. That means, off to mock people.
Until next week…my update from Texas will be one hour later than usual. Then again, I never blog the “Women tell all” episode. It’s dumb. We’ll see if I’m motivated.
Love to all,
Mike
So we begin the episode with three chicks left: Moana, Sarah TN, and Susan.
Just kidding, we actually begin the episode with a 45-minute montage of bullsh*t from the past 94785 seasons. We get to see raging bitch Trish from the Jesse Palmer season, Jerry O’Connell’s brother who we don’t remember, and also Bassy McFishalot and Mary McCuban (aka the “tanorexics” [credit to Lindsey]) from the season we didn’t watch. Who knew that O’Connell and McFishalot secured lovers? I didn’t watch, and neither did you.
Juicy deets from past seasons aside, I’m pissed at ABC for making this episode two hours long. The 45-minute intro was uncalled for, and ABC needs to search for revenue elsewhere. I’m in LA and I’d rather be in some lame West Hollywood bar at which I could make fun of lame LA people instead of being holed up in my fabulous (mind you) hotel room on the Sunset Strip with a view of the hills, the pool, and the skyline. Oh, the only fabulous thing here isn’t just my hotel. There’s also me. Hi, I’m Mike, and I’m fabulous.
After I shot myself nine times, the first overnight date begins in smelly Venice. Moana and Hotty Mc-Hot-a-Doc meet in the pigeon-infested city, and actually let the rats with wings fly all over them. After barfing, I return to the TV and join the lovers on their dinner date where Travis toasts himself to being with the “most beautiful woman in Venice.” By beautiful, he means, “your hair is dyed FAR too black.”
Travis says gooby things at dinner, and my vomiting continues. Then he gives her the letter inviting sex in a room together (aka the “fantasy suite”). Moana pulls out the insecurity card, and Travis says, “I’m not gonna promise anything I can’t promise.” Clearly he read that in President Bush’s latest diary entry. They have wild passionate in the fantasy suite, and we see and/or hear nothing. I hate it.
Vienna is the setting for Date 2. Sarah TN meets Hotty Doc in Austria, and they ride a ferris wheel. He doesn’t like her like he likes Moana and we all know it. Lindsey thinks her turtleneck looks straight out of Jacklyn Smith’s K-Mart Pumpkin Spice Collection. I agree. John, ADD for days, is disinterested and drawing on his arm. I, at this point, love that Travis is shirtless. They kiss, although not with tongue. So it’s not hot and I hate it.
Then they have a chat, kiss, and we all die again. It was the most unromantic moment in America. Ewwwwww…and there we have it. Sarah is the frontrunner for losing! She’s as boring as Jenna Jameson giving Ricky Martin a lapdance. She’s a big herpe and we’re Valtrexing her out of our life. This, by the way, is my new favorite saying. Use it in a sentence today. (Credit goes to Lindsey).
Date 3 is somewhere special that I don’t remember (I was filling my wine glass). Travis confronts Susan’s acting ambitions. And they’re wearing helmets which makes it more romantic. Lindsey says, “Having a serious conversation while wearing helmets is almost the equivalent of having an IQ test on a shortbus.”
Susan feigns tears and emotions after being confronted, but we all know it’s just some monologue she memorized prior to taping.
Travis keeps questioning her…I’m getting over it. He’s more interested in the fondue that he is she. Then they get in their bathing suits and we’re happy again. Then they have an awkward kiss.
Back in Paris, the hoes send video messages. Travis says he’s sad.
Then everyone shows up in ugly dresses. Oh yay.
And the roses go to:
1) Moana (duh)
2) Sarah TN
Susan gets Valtrexed. We think it’s because of the helmet. But she was the prettiest. And that’s all that matters (because I’m in LA, not b/c I’m mean. Just kidding).
Gross with their parting remarks. “I swear I’ll never forget you.” What is this, a Titanic meets Cold Mountain moment? I hate it.
Okay, I’m off to make the most of LA. That means, off to mock people.
Until next week…my update from Texas will be one hour later than usual. Then again, I never blog the “Women tell all” episode. It’s dumb. We’ll see if I’m motivated.
Love to all,
Mike
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I've failed.
I'm faced with a choice: do I write a pseudo-review, or do I maintain my journalistic integrity and confess the truth? I choose the latter.
Friends, lovers, fans and foes, I have failed you. Instead of watching The Bachelor last night, a Fashion Week extravaganza begged for an appearance, and as a star in New York, my publicist thought it best that I attend. And I may have had one (or three) too many glasses of champagne.
A little bird told me this, though. Moana's family is crazy. Sarah from Canada is a stoner who lives in a mythical land to the north. Susan is furthering her career and was engaged in the past. And Sarah from TN is fine.
Roses to Moana, Susan and Sarah TN. Stoner McGee is sent back to "Canada."
Okay, I'm crying. How could I miss all these juicy deets?!?!
Please, I beg of you. Let me win you back next week with a review that will knock your socks off! I'll be watching from LA, so the post will be three hours past its normal time.
Love and apologies,
a humbled Mike
Friends, lovers, fans and foes, I have failed you. Instead of watching The Bachelor last night, a Fashion Week extravaganza begged for an appearance, and as a star in New York, my publicist thought it best that I attend. And I may have had one (or three) too many glasses of champagne.
A little bird told me this, though. Moana's family is crazy. Sarah from Canada is a stoner who lives in a mythical land to the north. Susan is furthering her career and was engaged in the past. And Sarah from TN is fine.
Roses to Moana, Susan and Sarah TN. Stoner McGee is sent back to "Canada."
Okay, I'm crying. How could I miss all these juicy deets?!?!
Please, I beg of you. Let me win you back next week with a review that will knock your socks off! I'll be watching from LA, so the post will be three hours past its normal time.
Love and apologies,
a humbled Mike
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Pics from a drunken night.
Um...pics from a Bachelorite. Hotty Doc, what's with the long hair? That's the biggest damn mess. Keep the juicy deets coming, readers. You know you love this.
Monday, January 30, 2006
"Head-to-toe Spandex. That's hot."
Six hoes, three days, four roses. And we begin.
Who’s going to decide who gets the one-on-one dates? Who else? Bitches from previous episodes! Jenny (the “model”) and Shiloh (the woman named after a horse) return to Paris to interview/interrogate the remaining ladies. When I say “interview/interrogate” I mean degrade and mortify.
They basically rape Moana. And we move on.
Date One: Jehan, 29.
A romantic evening is spent in gay Paris. She confesses the deal-breaker: she’s once been married. She isn’t pure. Travis’s picture of her is ruined. Romantic date thereby over. But, since he has no cojones, he asks her to stay without offering a rose. WEAK.
Date Two: Sarah (from somewhere north), Tara, Susan, Moana.
A bike ride through the countryside fuels competition and heat. Moana, naturally, wins the race. And wins one-on-one time with Hotty Doc. Travis loves women in “head-to-toe Spandex,” by the way.
Moana, as the winner, gets a massage. The other girls get nada. Well, they get to talk about her behind her back—which, I guess, is something. Moana later confronts them after overhearing the sh*t-talking, and cries. For the first time this episode. There are two more incidents of her crying, don’t worry.
Date Three: Sarah from TN
With curlers in her hair, she prepares for her date as any Southern girl would do. Once together, the lovely couple gets a horrific portrait painted, Travis re-affirms that he has no working knowledge of French, and we’re over it. Oh, she gets a rose too.
Prior to the big event (rose ceremony), Travis visits the “women’s home” (oddly reminiscent of a loony bin) and gets some more individual time with the remaining swooners. Sarah (Canada?) reminds us that she’s still stoned. Jehan sells vitamins and is once-divorced. Moana cries again. And again.
Rose Ceremony.
1) Sarah (TN)
2) Sarah (Canada—wait…how much longer can this place exist?)
3) Susan
4) Moana (the bitch always pulls through!)
BYEEEEEEEE to Tara and Jehan. Tara, warns Travis of Moana’s disastrous ways. We’re over it. Because, you know what? She’s not all bad. ABC is just starved for some drama.
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Most hideous shirt: Travis’s puke-brown shirt at the rose ceremony.
2) Most Dramatic: Moana. Stop the tears. We don’t like them
3) Outfits that best epitomize the South: Sarah (TN). Boufant hair, curlers, overdone dresses. It all amounts to the rebel lifestyle.
Until next week, your undying Bachelorite,
Mike
Who’s going to decide who gets the one-on-one dates? Who else? Bitches from previous episodes! Jenny (the “model”) and Shiloh (the woman named after a horse) return to Paris to interview/interrogate the remaining ladies. When I say “interview/interrogate” I mean degrade and mortify.
They basically rape Moana. And we move on.
Date One: Jehan, 29.
A romantic evening is spent in gay Paris. She confesses the deal-breaker: she’s once been married. She isn’t pure. Travis’s picture of her is ruined. Romantic date thereby over. But, since he has no cojones, he asks her to stay without offering a rose. WEAK.
Date Two: Sarah (from somewhere north), Tara, Susan, Moana.
A bike ride through the countryside fuels competition and heat. Moana, naturally, wins the race. And wins one-on-one time with Hotty Doc. Travis loves women in “head-to-toe Spandex,” by the way.
Moana, as the winner, gets a massage. The other girls get nada. Well, they get to talk about her behind her back—which, I guess, is something. Moana later confronts them after overhearing the sh*t-talking, and cries. For the first time this episode. There are two more incidents of her crying, don’t worry.
Date Three: Sarah from TN
With curlers in her hair, she prepares for her date as any Southern girl would do. Once together, the lovely couple gets a horrific portrait painted, Travis re-affirms that he has no working knowledge of French, and we’re over it. Oh, she gets a rose too.
Prior to the big event (rose ceremony), Travis visits the “women’s home” (oddly reminiscent of a loony bin) and gets some more individual time with the remaining swooners. Sarah (Canada?) reminds us that she’s still stoned. Jehan sells vitamins and is once-divorced. Moana cries again. And again.
Rose Ceremony.
1) Sarah (TN)
2) Sarah (Canada—wait…how much longer can this place exist?)
3) Susan
4) Moana (the bitch always pulls through!)
BYEEEEEEEE to Tara and Jehan. Tara, warns Travis of Moana’s disastrous ways. We’re over it. Because, you know what? She’s not all bad. ABC is just starved for some drama.
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Most hideous shirt: Travis’s puke-brown shirt at the rose ceremony.
2) Most Dramatic: Moana. Stop the tears. We don’t like them
3) Outfits that best epitomize the South: Sarah (TN). Boufant hair, curlers, overdone dresses. It all amounts to the rebel lifestyle.
Until next week, your undying Bachelorite,
Mike
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Bachelorite Update #1!
From a loyal (and sexy) bachelorite who lives in Nashville:
"i actually SAW mr hot doc the other night at a bar. he is cuter in person if you can believe it. and word here in nashville is that sarah from tn makes it to the round where he meets her parents and it goes badly. she went cuckoo when her last relationship broke up and told everybody her now ex is gay."
I love having my minions do the dirty work...
"i actually SAW mr hot doc the other night at a bar. he is cuter in person if you can believe it. and word here in nashville is that sarah from tn makes it to the round where he meets her parents and it goes badly. she went cuckoo when her last relationship broke up and told everybody her now ex is gay."
I love having my minions do the dirty work...
Monday, January 23, 2006
"When I wake up, I'm excited."
Chris begins the episode with the all-important question: “Who wants to be a doctor’s wife.” Well…me for one. But, let’s get to the juice…
Hotty-Mc-Hot-A-Doc’s friends join us in France to accomplish one mission: superficially judge the remaining girls. Make them do embarrassing things, and humor us for days.
Then, Date One begins. Friends Matt and Kevin chose Susan for the first date, which was a romantic evening spent in a Smart Car and a Parisian Café. This one-on-one date will live in infamy due to the following quotes.
1) “Oh my god, I completely agree with you.” – Susan
2) “I like you so much it freaks me out.” – Susan
3) “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan
And I’m dead. Susan is an aspiring actress. To me, she’s an aspiring Univision star. God those Spanish telenovelas are AMAZING! To our surprise, she gets a rose.
Date Two: Tara, Sarah from TN, Moana, Jehan and Shiloh are whisked away to the French Riviera. Drama ensues.
Mr. Bicep takes his shirt off, and we’re all peeing a little bit. His biceps are larger than my midsection, and I’m fine with it.
First, Moana takes Travis for a ride on the SeaDoo. The bitches are pissed, and it’s all normal in Bachelorland. Gambling soon begins, and Shiloh becomes inappropriately drunk. She then wastedly exposes Moana’s cruel intentions. We’re a bit embarrassed for her, but we’re over it.
Sarah from TN tells us that she’s serious about Travis after she is presented with the question: “Are you a sexual being?” which serenades as “Are you a virgin?” My take? Yes, she’s a raging virge. Then a drunken Old Navy employee interrupts (Tara).
Moana wakes Travis the following morning with some coffee and a little morning loving (which we all agree is the best). She thus secures the rose.
Date Three: Sarah (Canada) and Jennifer go camping! Jennifer, the “model” is a bit uncomfortable with the concept of time spent outside, and she loses because of it. She’s afraid of bugs, and Travis is afraid of her. Sarah, in her stoned magnificence, gets the last rose. She’s drunk, she’s on drugs, and we love it all. But, then we come to the following realization: when is Travis going to realize she doesn’t exist? What is this Canada place?
Tonight’s Roses…
1) Susan
2) Moana
3) Sarah (Canada)
4) Jehan (who are you?)
5) Tara
6) Sarah (TN)
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to Jennifer and Shiloh.
Tonight’s Awards…
1) Worst outfit: Matt, the doctor friend. A plaid blazer and a ridiculously striped shirt is never a good choice.
2) Best quote: “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan. Seriously…no.
3) Best biceps: Travis. I kinda wanna lick ‘em.
Until next week,
Mike
Hotty-Mc-Hot-A-Doc’s friends join us in France to accomplish one mission: superficially judge the remaining girls. Make them do embarrassing things, and humor us for days.
Then, Date One begins. Friends Matt and Kevin chose Susan for the first date, which was a romantic evening spent in a Smart Car and a Parisian Café. This one-on-one date will live in infamy due to the following quotes.
1) “Oh my god, I completely agree with you.” – Susan
2) “I like you so much it freaks me out.” – Susan
3) “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan
And I’m dead. Susan is an aspiring actress. To me, she’s an aspiring Univision star. God those Spanish telenovelas are AMAZING! To our surprise, she gets a rose.
Date Two: Tara, Sarah from TN, Moana, Jehan and Shiloh are whisked away to the French Riviera. Drama ensues.
Mr. Bicep takes his shirt off, and we’re all peeing a little bit. His biceps are larger than my midsection, and I’m fine with it.
First, Moana takes Travis for a ride on the SeaDoo. The bitches are pissed, and it’s all normal in Bachelorland. Gambling soon begins, and Shiloh becomes inappropriately drunk. She then wastedly exposes Moana’s cruel intentions. We’re a bit embarrassed for her, but we’re over it.
Sarah from TN tells us that she’s serious about Travis after she is presented with the question: “Are you a sexual being?” which serenades as “Are you a virgin?” My take? Yes, she’s a raging virge. Then a drunken Old Navy employee interrupts (Tara).
Moana wakes Travis the following morning with some coffee and a little morning loving (which we all agree is the best). She thus secures the rose.
Date Three: Sarah (Canada) and Jennifer go camping! Jennifer, the “model” is a bit uncomfortable with the concept of time spent outside, and she loses because of it. She’s afraid of bugs, and Travis is afraid of her. Sarah, in her stoned magnificence, gets the last rose. She’s drunk, she’s on drugs, and we love it all. But, then we come to the following realization: when is Travis going to realize she doesn’t exist? What is this Canada place?
Tonight’s Roses…
1) Susan
2) Moana
3) Sarah (Canada)
4) Jehan (who are you?)
5) Tara
6) Sarah (TN)
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to Jennifer and Shiloh.
Tonight’s Awards…
1) Worst outfit: Matt, the doctor friend. A plaid blazer and a ridiculously striped shirt is never a good choice.
2) Best quote: “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan. Seriously…no.
3) Best biceps: Travis. I kinda wanna lick ‘em.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
"Have you guys seen the tip?"
Episode two gets it going. Three dates, twelve hoes, six roses. And we begin. (Let’s not forget that I’m wasted while writing this.)
Date One: Eiffel Tower and Arc
Travis Mc-Hot-A-Doc invites Jehan, Yvonne, Cole, Sarah from TN and Elizabeth on a sightseeing tour of Paris. It’s raining, hair is deflating, and the romance is waning. Yet, out of nowhere, Travis says, “Have you seen the tip…” And the fun begins. Jehan confesses that her three passions are nature, church and health. Wow, I couldn’t be more excited. Er…what? Regardless, Jehan secures the rose and she’s safe until episode three.
Date Two: Boat Cruise on the Seine
Travis invites Kristen O’Mall Hair on a romantic date on the Seine. She writes a poem worthy of a first-grade writing prize and loses Travis’s interest. And then, to think she hadn’t already ruined it all, she puts an orange peel in her mouth to mimic trash teeth. At this point, I’m dying. I’m sorry, who does that? As if your ramen-noodle hair hadn’t already set you behind the competition, you have to go and write a bad poem and serenade him with trash teeth?? So, needless to say, Kristen was quickly dismissed with an anti-rose. Have a safe flight, Kristen. Maybe boys in Florida will appreciate your knack at elementary literature.
Date Three: Jennifer, Shiloh, Moana, Susan, Sarah from Canada and Tara
A helicopter lands at the manse and picks up the six ladies. They are whisked away to somewhere French and inevitable romance ensues. Sarah from Canada (what?? Can someone remind me of the location of said fictional place??) states, all so eloquently, “I feel wow with you,” and I proceed to barf. Tara, red-headed and fabulous, walks around in unfortunate shorts. Let me remind us all that her profession is “retail sales.” I can picture her now in a suburban Kansas Old Navy, complete with a Backstreet-Boys-style headset. She’s clearly amazing and talented in her chosen profession. Yet, skills and all, she secures the rose on Date Three. And we have a red-head in the top six. I think it’s Travis’s version of affirmative action. I, too, have a dream, that one day, we will have a red-head in the top six of The Bachelor. And we do. Thank you, MLK.
At the rose ceremony, a greasy Travis chooses:
1) Moana, the dark horse
2) Sarah from TN
3) Jennifer
4) Sarah from Canada who requests “baby kisses”
5) Shiloh
6) Susan
7) Jehan
8) Tara
Byeeeeeeeeee to 1) Yvonne, 2) Cole, 3) Elizabeth, and 4) Kristen.
Awards:
1) Quote of the night: “Have you guys seen the tip?” –Travis
2) Best outfit: Tara’s tweed shorts. Never. Ever. For real.
3) Most wasted: everyone I watched the Golden Globes with. I love you all.
I’m drunk and I’m going to bed.
Until next week,
Mike
Date One: Eiffel Tower and Arc
Travis Mc-Hot-A-Doc invites Jehan, Yvonne, Cole, Sarah from TN and Elizabeth on a sightseeing tour of Paris. It’s raining, hair is deflating, and the romance is waning. Yet, out of nowhere, Travis says, “Have you seen the tip…” And the fun begins. Jehan confesses that her three passions are nature, church and health. Wow, I couldn’t be more excited. Er…what? Regardless, Jehan secures the rose and she’s safe until episode three.
Date Two: Boat Cruise on the Seine
Travis invites Kristen O’Mall Hair on a romantic date on the Seine. She writes a poem worthy of a first-grade writing prize and loses Travis’s interest. And then, to think she hadn’t already ruined it all, she puts an orange peel in her mouth to mimic trash teeth. At this point, I’m dying. I’m sorry, who does that? As if your ramen-noodle hair hadn’t already set you behind the competition, you have to go and write a bad poem and serenade him with trash teeth?? So, needless to say, Kristen was quickly dismissed with an anti-rose. Have a safe flight, Kristen. Maybe boys in Florida will appreciate your knack at elementary literature.
Date Three: Jennifer, Shiloh, Moana, Susan, Sarah from Canada and Tara
A helicopter lands at the manse and picks up the six ladies. They are whisked away to somewhere French and inevitable romance ensues. Sarah from Canada (what?? Can someone remind me of the location of said fictional place??) states, all so eloquently, “I feel wow with you,” and I proceed to barf. Tara, red-headed and fabulous, walks around in unfortunate shorts. Let me remind us all that her profession is “retail sales.” I can picture her now in a suburban Kansas Old Navy, complete with a Backstreet-Boys-style headset. She’s clearly amazing and talented in her chosen profession. Yet, skills and all, she secures the rose on Date Three. And we have a red-head in the top six. I think it’s Travis’s version of affirmative action. I, too, have a dream, that one day, we will have a red-head in the top six of The Bachelor. And we do. Thank you, MLK.
At the rose ceremony, a greasy Travis chooses:
1) Moana, the dark horse
2) Sarah from TN
3) Jennifer
4) Sarah from Canada who requests “baby kisses”
5) Shiloh
6) Susan
7) Jehan
8) Tara
Byeeeeeeeeee to 1) Yvonne, 2) Cole, 3) Elizabeth, and 4) Kristen.
Awards:
1) Quote of the night: “Have you guys seen the tip?” –Travis
2) Best outfit: Tara’s tweed shorts. Never. Ever. For real.
3) Most wasted: everyone I watched the Golden Globes with. I love you all.
I’m drunk and I’m going to bed.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, January 09, 2006
"I'm ready for the reproductive stage."
Well folks, the above-quoted sentence is one we’ve all learned never to say. Thanks Crazy…I mean Allie.
Friends, lovers, and everyone in between,
It’s back. And so am I.
Oh, and so are the crazies. Her name is Allie, by the way. And apparently she’s an oncologist. If we could go ahead and refer her to the nearest psychiatrist, that’d be great.
And on with the show…
We join Hotty McHot-a-Doc in Paris. Naturally, he’s educated, hot, and loaded with traits aimed at raising his stock price. Namely, he’s a doctor named Travis who says things like, “Yeah, it’s very big.” More on that quote to come.
Travis, by the way, might be my comeback kid. His stock is cresting (again, a Hot Doctor), he lives in the South, and he’s the next Bachelor. Thank you ABC, you just may have picked a winner. Oh let’s be honest, he’ll choose some chick and they’ll break it off two months later. But I blog on…
The ladies arrived to the chateau limo by limo, one by one. Some were cute. Some wore bad dresses. And some spoke of their dying eggs and their need to make babies ASAP. Note to self, never mention dying eggs and necessary reproduction during first five minutes of meeting man of dreams. (Also realize that I don’t have eggs.)
A few highlights of the arrivals: Kristen’s (a.k.a. “Jugs”) huge boobs; Moana’s disastrous dress; Princess’s name; Jaime’s dress and mall hair; and Sarah’s (the Canadian) stoned demeanor.
Note to ABC: we’re on to you. You only film the hoes that he picks and/or cause drama. It makes rose time less exciting. Also, work on the music. I’ve asked for three (3) seasons now for new music, and you’ve yet to deliver. It’s getting old.
Okay, back to the show. The first rose went to Sarah from Canada (I’m sorry…where is that again?). She was stoned. It’s just that simple.
The remaining roses went to:
1) Cole
2) Moana who wore a bad dress and ugly leaf earrings
3) Jennifer who’s a “model”
4) Elizabeth
5) Shiloh who was named after some horse that I rode when I was 6.
6) Yvonne
7) Jehan
8) Susan
9) Tara
10) Sarah from TN who’s cute
11) “Jugs” (Kristen)
And now, for tonight’s awards.
-Best Occupation: Jehan. She’s a “Vitamin Sales Rep.”
-Best Quote: “Yeah, it’s very big.” –Travis. (See above.)
Runner-up: “I work in a hospital” –Travis. Just say you’re a doctor, you humble sh*t.
-Best—i.e. WORST—name: Princess (runners up are Shiloh, Venus and Jehan)
-Cutest: Sarah and Sarah. Get ready to duke it out, bitches.
-Worst Moment: “I’m ready for the reproductive stage.” – Allie. Get some help.
-Biggest Stoner: Sarah from…where?...Canada??
-HOLY CRAZY AWARD: Allie. Enjoy your flight home. And remind me to tell all your patients you’re crazy.
-Coolest: Me. Obviously.
Until next week, au revoir,
Mike, your devoted, loving, redeemed blogger.
Friends, lovers, and everyone in between,
It’s back. And so am I.
Oh, and so are the crazies. Her name is Allie, by the way. And apparently she’s an oncologist. If we could go ahead and refer her to the nearest psychiatrist, that’d be great.
And on with the show…
We join Hotty McHot-a-Doc in Paris. Naturally, he’s educated, hot, and loaded with traits aimed at raising his stock price. Namely, he’s a doctor named Travis who says things like, “Yeah, it’s very big.” More on that quote to come.
Travis, by the way, might be my comeback kid. His stock is cresting (again, a Hot Doctor), he lives in the South, and he’s the next Bachelor. Thank you ABC, you just may have picked a winner. Oh let’s be honest, he’ll choose some chick and they’ll break it off two months later. But I blog on…
The ladies arrived to the chateau limo by limo, one by one. Some were cute. Some wore bad dresses. And some spoke of their dying eggs and their need to make babies ASAP. Note to self, never mention dying eggs and necessary reproduction during first five minutes of meeting man of dreams. (Also realize that I don’t have eggs.)
A few highlights of the arrivals: Kristen’s (a.k.a. “Jugs”) huge boobs; Moana’s disastrous dress; Princess’s name; Jaime’s dress and mall hair; and Sarah’s (the Canadian) stoned demeanor.
Note to ABC: we’re on to you. You only film the hoes that he picks and/or cause drama. It makes rose time less exciting. Also, work on the music. I’ve asked for three (3) seasons now for new music, and you’ve yet to deliver. It’s getting old.
Okay, back to the show. The first rose went to Sarah from Canada (I’m sorry…where is that again?). She was stoned. It’s just that simple.
The remaining roses went to:
1) Cole
2) Moana who wore a bad dress and ugly leaf earrings
3) Jennifer who’s a “model”
4) Elizabeth
5) Shiloh who was named after some horse that I rode when I was 6.
6) Yvonne
7) Jehan
8) Susan
9) Tara
10) Sarah from TN who’s cute
11) “Jugs” (Kristen)
And now, for tonight’s awards.
-Best Occupation: Jehan. She’s a “Vitamin Sales Rep.”
-Best Quote: “Yeah, it’s very big.” –Travis. (See above.)
Runner-up: “I work in a hospital” –Travis. Just say you’re a doctor, you humble sh*t.
-Best—i.e. WORST—name: Princess (runners up are Shiloh, Venus and Jehan)
-Cutest: Sarah and Sarah. Get ready to duke it out, bitches.
-Worst Moment: “I’m ready for the reproductive stage.” – Allie. Get some help.
-Biggest Stoner: Sarah from…where?...Canada??
-HOLY CRAZY AWARD: Allie. Enjoy your flight home. And remind me to tell all your patients you’re crazy.
-Coolest: Me. Obviously.
Until next week, au revoir,
Mike, your devoted, loving, redeemed blogger.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
I'm on to you, NYPD and NYFD!
After three years in this delightful city, I am hereby proposing a theory. After numerous tests of my hypothesis, it has been scientifically proven: the NYPD and NYFD allocate their hot officers to make house calls, and the also-rans do the dirty work (like saving lives, fighting fires, and other sundry duties). How great is the word "sundry," by the way?
The most recent instance occurred this morning at my place of employment. After a new co-worker involuntarily set off the security alarm, two cops strutted in to make sure all was well in our comfy loft above West Broadway. The cops? Hot. Especially the dark-haired one to whom I gave a "tour" of our office.
In addition to witnessing house calls by firemen in their full garb twice now, my theory has been proven. Any of you who concur, feel free to add your own experiences.
God I love this city.
The most recent instance occurred this morning at my place of employment. After a new co-worker involuntarily set off the security alarm, two cops strutted in to make sure all was well in our comfy loft above West Broadway. The cops? Hot. Especially the dark-haired one to whom I gave a "tour" of our office.
In addition to witnessing house calls by firemen in their full garb twice now, my theory has been proven. Any of you who concur, feel free to add your own experiences.
God I love this city.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
All I'm sayin'...
...is The Bachelor: Paris begins on January 9, 2006. You best know I'm going to try my hardest to blog the sh*t out of it. But it all depends on the cast. Pray to Baby Jesus that it's good, so I can keep you (and myself) entertained by writing a weekly update.
Hope your Chrismakahkwanzaa's are good.
Stay tuned...you'll have a little belated holiday treat in your inbox on the morning of January 10, 2006.
Until then, does anyone know of a good worker's comp lawyer? I got a paper cut today at work, and I'm looking to sue someone.
Lovingly,
Mike
Hope your Chrismakahkwanzaa's are good.
Stay tuned...you'll have a little belated holiday treat in your inbox on the morning of January 10, 2006.
Until then, does anyone know of a good worker's comp lawyer? I got a paper cut today at work, and I'm looking to sue someone.
Lovingly,
Mike
Sunday, November 13, 2005
i wasn't kidding...
...when i said i got random, disastrous messages from people who happen to be located in the eastern hemisphere. please see below, but be forewarned that it is EXTREMELY upsetting. please note his superb writing/grammar skills. and also the fact that i might have to report him to the chinese government. reading this makes me feel dirty.
----
hi Mike love
Message:
hi i am a gay guy from China. buttom gay.you know?when i watching your pic i am fall in love with you i really love you please!15yrs old. Now I am looking for a good,successful man to give me real love. care me and look after me.otherwise i need a his kind-hearted for me to pay of my education in US because the education in China is very bad. i can't stand it.!i am lonely that i need a man to love me. i can have sex with you as well.cau you help me and love me?if you want please send a message to my (random email address deleted here) or (deleted again) and icq is (deleted). can you dear? i beg you !i really want to be with you!you attract me so much.i really want you need you love you madly and deeply!
----
hi Mike love
Message:
hi i am a gay guy from China. buttom gay.you know?when i watching your pic i am fall in love with you i really love you please!15yrs old. Now I am looking for a good,successful man to give me real love. care me and look after me.otherwise i need a his kind-hearted for me to pay of my education in US because the education in China is very bad. i can't stand it.!i am lonely that i need a man to love me. i can have sex with you as well.cau you help me and love me?if you want please send a message to my (random email address deleted here) or (deleted again) and icq is (deleted). can you dear? i beg you !i really want to be with you!you attract me so much.i really want you need you love you madly and deeply!
Monday, November 07, 2005
Anti-Weirdo Device Needed
As a follow-up to to the previous post, the copious random Friendster messages from horny chicks have more or less ended. In the "Who I want to meet" section (which should read "Whom I want to meet," thankyouverymuch), I referenced my preference for the man-types.
The messages have, however, been replaced by random friend requests from the denizens of many Asian/South Pacific countries. The most popular, as of now, are the Philippines, India, China and Taiwan.
No, I don't want to be in your "network." And no, I don't want to be your friend. I always hated penpals as a youngster, and that's pretty much what a random Friendster from Manila will amount to.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
The messages have, however, been replaced by random friend requests from the denizens of many Asian/South Pacific countries. The most popular, as of now, are the Philippines, India, China and Taiwan.
No, I don't want to be in your "network." And no, I don't want to be your friend. I always hated penpals as a youngster, and that's pretty much what a random Friendster from Manila will amount to.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
E-politics...
So my profile on Friendster says I'm looking for "friends." This is clearly a problem. For the first time since mid-college, girls are taking interest in me--okay, so certain girls quit trying in high school when I received the superlative, "Broadway Bound," but many females thought I was on their market for quite some time. Take Friendster, for instance. Chicks on that site dig me since my status has gone from "In a Relationship" to "Single." Amazing.
Case in point: today I received a message from, oh, we'll call her Jocelyn. She messaged me and wrote, "You're adorable." Admittedly, I love a good compliment, but come on. Jocelyn is originally from Southhampton. Under affiliations, she lists Young Republicans Club.
Simply unacceptable. Does she know I'm partial to men? Does she know that her people hate me?
Oh the politics of Friendster. What is a man to do? Does one suck it up and put "Relationship Men," "Dating Men" on his profile in fear of the inevitable barrage from e-stalkers? Does one hope that those savvy Friendster users will be able to de-code "Friends" as meaning, "Okay, I'm gay, but I just don't want to be on the e-market too much. And I wouldn't mind making out with you if you're hot, smart, funny, and basically perfect. But you have to be a man."? Maybe I'll contact my Friendster peeps and persuade them to put the previous sentences as a new category.
Comments? Advice? Do I write Jocelyn and the other chicks back describing the fact that their efforts will be fruitless?
Case in point: today I received a message from, oh, we'll call her Jocelyn. She messaged me and wrote, "You're adorable." Admittedly, I love a good compliment, but come on. Jocelyn is originally from Southhampton. Under affiliations, she lists Young Republicans Club.
Simply unacceptable. Does she know I'm partial to men? Does she know that her people hate me?
Oh the politics of Friendster. What is a man to do? Does one suck it up and put "Relationship Men," "Dating Men" on his profile in fear of the inevitable barrage from e-stalkers? Does one hope that those savvy Friendster users will be able to de-code "Friends" as meaning, "Okay, I'm gay, but I just don't want to be on the e-market too much. And I wouldn't mind making out with you if you're hot, smart, funny, and basically perfect. But you have to be a man."? Maybe I'll contact my Friendster peeps and persuade them to put the previous sentences as a new category.
Comments? Advice? Do I write Jocelyn and the other chicks back describing the fact that their efforts will be fruitless?
Friday, October 14, 2005
Oops
Um...so...yeah...
So much for the chronicles of my life as a bachelor in the city. It's been sixth months since my last post, so I'll quickly summarize some important milestones that took place: 1) I lived in Berkeley in June; 2) I got strep throat when I returned; 3) I got a job; 4) Ninety-eight natural disasters occurred; 5) I became an uncle; and 6) Katie Holmes got knocked up by her completely normal and sane boytoy, Tom Cruise.
That's pretty much it. I think those were the defining moments of the past six months, right? Oh, I was a non-bachelor for a while too. But now I'm a bachelor again. Thus, I return to you.
But let's be honest. I probably won't write for another six months.
If, however, you want me to write...give me ideas. What material can fuel my witty banter? Are there things I should be bitching about that you'd like to read? Is there another season of The Bachelor coming up?
digame pronto
So much for the chronicles of my life as a bachelor in the city. It's been sixth months since my last post, so I'll quickly summarize some important milestones that took place: 1) I lived in Berkeley in June; 2) I got strep throat when I returned; 3) I got a job; 4) Ninety-eight natural disasters occurred; 5) I became an uncle; and 6) Katie Holmes got knocked up by her completely normal and sane boytoy, Tom Cruise.
That's pretty much it. I think those were the defining moments of the past six months, right? Oh, I was a non-bachelor for a while too. But now I'm a bachelor again. Thus, I return to you.
But let's be honest. I probably won't write for another six months.
If, however, you want me to write...give me ideas. What material can fuel my witty banter? Are there things I should be bitching about that you'd like to read? Is there another season of The Bachelor coming up?
digame pronto
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