Live from LA, it’s me (joined by John and Lindsey). Lindsey and John may be referenced throughout this update, so be prepared. They’re both inappropriate, just like me. That’s the only reason I like them.
So we begin the episode with three chicks left: Moana, Sarah TN, and Susan.
Just kidding, we actually begin the episode with a 45-minute montage of bullsh*t from the past 94785 seasons. We get to see raging bitch Trish from the Jesse Palmer season, Jerry O’Connell’s brother who we don’t remember, and also Bassy McFishalot and Mary McCuban (aka the “tanorexics” [credit to Lindsey]) from the season we didn’t watch. Who knew that O’Connell and McFishalot secured lovers? I didn’t watch, and neither did you.
Juicy deets from past seasons aside, I’m pissed at ABC for making this episode two hours long. The 45-minute intro was uncalled for, and ABC needs to search for revenue elsewhere. I’m in LA and I’d rather be in some lame West Hollywood bar at which I could make fun of lame LA people instead of being holed up in my fabulous (mind you) hotel room on the Sunset Strip with a view of the hills, the pool, and the skyline. Oh, the only fabulous thing here isn’t just my hotel. There’s also me. Hi, I’m Mike, and I’m fabulous.
After I shot myself nine times, the first overnight date begins in smelly Venice. Moana and Hotty Mc-Hot-a-Doc meet in the pigeon-infested city, and actually let the rats with wings fly all over them. After barfing, I return to the TV and join the lovers on their dinner date where Travis toasts himself to being with the “most beautiful woman in Venice.” By beautiful, he means, “your hair is dyed FAR too black.”
Travis says gooby things at dinner, and my vomiting continues. Then he gives her the letter inviting sex in a room together (aka the “fantasy suite”). Moana pulls out the insecurity card, and Travis says, “I’m not gonna promise anything I can’t promise.” Clearly he read that in President Bush’s latest diary entry. They have wild passionate in the fantasy suite, and we see and/or hear nothing. I hate it.
Vienna is the setting for Date 2. Sarah TN meets Hotty Doc in Austria, and they ride a ferris wheel. He doesn’t like her like he likes Moana and we all know it. Lindsey thinks her turtleneck looks straight out of Jacklyn Smith’s K-Mart Pumpkin Spice Collection. I agree. John, ADD for days, is disinterested and drawing on his arm. I, at this point, love that Travis is shirtless. They kiss, although not with tongue. So it’s not hot and I hate it.
Then they have a chat, kiss, and we all die again. It was the most unromantic moment in America. Ewwwwww…and there we have it. Sarah is the frontrunner for losing! She’s as boring as Jenna Jameson giving Ricky Martin a lapdance. She’s a big herpe and we’re Valtrexing her out of our life. This, by the way, is my new favorite saying. Use it in a sentence today. (Credit goes to Lindsey).
Date 3 is somewhere special that I don’t remember (I was filling my wine glass). Travis confronts Susan’s acting ambitions. And they’re wearing helmets which makes it more romantic. Lindsey says, “Having a serious conversation while wearing helmets is almost the equivalent of having an IQ test on a shortbus.”
Susan feigns tears and emotions after being confronted, but we all know it’s just some monologue she memorized prior to taping.
Travis keeps questioning her…I’m getting over it. He’s more interested in the fondue that he is she. Then they get in their bathing suits and we’re happy again. Then they have an awkward kiss.
Back in Paris, the hoes send video messages. Travis says he’s sad.
Then everyone shows up in ugly dresses. Oh yay.
And the roses go to:
1) Moana (duh)
2) Sarah TN
Susan gets Valtrexed. We think it’s because of the helmet. But she was the prettiest. And that’s all that matters (because I’m in LA, not b/c I’m mean. Just kidding).
Gross with their parting remarks. “I swear I’ll never forget you.” What is this, a Titanic meets Cold Mountain moment? I hate it.
Okay, I’m off to make the most of LA. That means, off to mock people.
Until next week…my update from Texas will be one hour later than usual. Then again, I never blog the “Women tell all” episode. It’s dumb. We’ll see if I’m motivated.
Love to all,
Mike
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