Take your top off.

I am back. And let me once again blame Kansas City for ruining my life last week (and your lives too, let's be honest). But on to the show.

The drama starts straight away with the bitches being told by Chris that there will be two one-on-one dates. Who gets these dates? Those who are most deserving. Who determines this? Erica “the socialite” upon her return to the manse wearing a bedazzled pink capelet and her tiara. She determines, after hearing all the hoes say that Lisa sucks, that Sadie and Jen are most deserving (i.e. “Most Sincere” and “Most Deserving of Being a Princess”).

The first date, with Sadie the virgin, is a “fly away” date with Lorenzo the pilot. Sadie looks hot in aviators, and Lorenzo looks even hotter as a pilot. Let’s be honest, anyone who flies a plane automatically becomes 82 times hotter. This may explain why I wanted to be a pilot when I was younger. Back to the point. They then get in the hot tub and don’t make out. Great! Our blue balls are soon taken care of as Sadie kisses him at dinner. It was cute. It was awkward because Lorenzo didn’t slip her the tongue. We’re fine with it because Lorenzo gives her a rose and wants to bone her in her childhood bedroom, I mean meet her parents because he gives her a rose.

The second date unites Jeanette, Lisa, Agnese and Desiree at a toga party. There are horse races, there is swimming, and there is Lorenzo shirtless on the second date in a row. Yay for that. No one gets a rose on this date so we’re left with watching the girls be themselves. By “be themselves” I mean Agnese gets to practice her “English” with Lorenzo. She doesn’t practice so much as she pretends to speak English, but it’s fine. She won’t get a rose anyway…Oh one more thing: Lorenzo looked like a shlong in his ivy headdress.

The final date brought Jen and Lorenzo together in Rome, the city that Lorenzo learns about through an earpiece while spouting off facts to his dates given to him by his producers. It’s really genuine and quite amazing.

Lorenzo is wearing all black and a white jacket. He doesn’t pull it off. During their romantic carriage ride through Rome, Lorenzo used the previously-mentioned earpiece to tell Jen all about the history and fun facts of Rome. They swapped stories about how their parents met and I barfed a little when she told him that her dad “bagged my mom’s groceries.” He bagged more than that is all I’m saying…

Then Lorenzo told her some unenthusiastic story about his parents and how they ruled New Jersey or something. He gives Jen a rose. Immediately after that, Jen tells her that her dad is “a little crazy” and we realize this after seeing her dad hold a firearm in the previews for next week.

During the final date, the hoes at home got a little crazy and streaked the lawn. This was highlight of the evening. “Take your top off!” screamed Desiree. I was in heaven.

At the rose ceremony, Lorenzo “struggled” with his decision to send two girls home. "I don't want six women in my life; I want one." Well put, Lorenzo, well put.

He gave roses to:
1) Sadie
2) Jen
3) Lisa
4) Agnese. WHAT?!? I will be muting his visit to her house next week. It will be so horribly awkward I will literally drink 9 bottles of wine in 8 minutes in order to soothe the pain. Honestly, call me during this date because I will need distraction. I am giving you free reign to violate the “no call” rule during The Bachelor.

Poor Desiree and Jeanette.

I’m sad to see Desiree go, even though she says “baby” every four seconds. But she took her top off and I loved it.

This week’s awards:

1) The Does He Really Have a Personality? award goes to: Lorenzo. Does he or doesn’t he?
2) The Least Grammatically Correct award goes to: Desiree. “Tequilia” and “Proudness” earned her this one. Desiree, it’s tequila and it’s pride. Go back and study, baby.
3) The Take Your Top Off Award: Aileen and Cassie. Take your tops off!

Until next week, take your tops off and drink some Tequilia.

Mike