Skinny Dipping is for Lovers

We fly south this week and find ourselves in the midst of some HOT HOT HOT Puerto Rican Latin fire. The girls bring the heat this week, as does the weather. (Did you see how swarmy everything looked all episode? I would have been a sweaty mess.)

Nicki is the big winner for the first one-on-one date, and the lovers spend the day on a helicopter (surprise!) and frolicking in the rain. Sorry about your silk dress, Nicki. After the rain ruins their outfits, Ben and Nicki shop for "ethnic" garb, which leaves Ben dressed like a member of the Latino Rat Pack and Nicki looking like a colorful trash bag. They "stumble upon" a wedding at which the bride takes roughly thirty minutes to ascend the stairs, and Ben and Nicki don't make fun of it. It was at this point that I decided they were boring and lacking in fun. Later, at dinner, Nicki forcibly opens up about her divorce and Ben gives her a rose. The end. It was boring. Also, Nicki had a bruise on her arm. That is all.

The next date is a very American affair with some girl-on-girl action involving America's pastime. The nine girls split into two baseball teams, and the winning team gets to spend a nice evening on the beach with the big prize, Ben! Lyndzi is the lucky MVP who gets to play on both teams (ha ha), so she's a winner no matter what. In the end--after three very exciting fake innings--the Red team (Courtney, Kacie, Casey, Jamie, and Lyndzi) beat the Blue team (Blakeley, Emily, Jennifer, Rachel, and Lyndzi). Blakeley was incredibly athletic (with her tummy tee, natch) and Courtney made a very astute comment: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" Let's be honest, we all hate Courtney, but we were all thinking it. One point to Courtney, although it's immediately retracted due to her oddly immobile upper lip. Later, Dad consoles the losers, Blakeley cries, and the Red team flies away in a helicopter while the dejected losers drive home in a cold, dank bus in tears. It's helicopter number two this episode, people. Try to act surprised. Later, on the beach, Ben gives a rose to cute Kacie and is quickly lured away by Courtney the Conniver who awkwardly throws herself on Ben while Ben is less than interested. Luckily we have time for some blurred out side boob as they embrace and make out. She plants the "let's go skinny dipping" seed, and the date soon ends.

The last date goes to Elyse, who's been waiting patiently for her one-on-one all season. Unfortunately this Chicago-bred personal trainer blows it pretty quickly. They are whisked away on a ridiculous yacht for some uncomfortable conversation which is luckily interrupted by the need to jump off the boat to swim instead of talk. But first, Elyse impresses Ben by telling him that she's already accomplished everything she's wanted to accomplish in life. Um...yeah...awesome way to impress a free spirit. "Um, hi. I'm basically done living and all I want to do is marry you and pop out babies because it's socially acceptable." After Ben realizes she's less than interesting, he says "I think we should jump off the boat." Nothing like literally jumping ship to change the subject. Later, at dinner, Ben and Elyse share an awkward dinner where the only thing we can notice is how miserable Ben is. Before long, Ben tells Elyse that there isn't much of a connection, and she's forced to straddle a zodiac rescue boat in a formal dress in order to get booted from the show and drive off into the mist. 

After the date, an emotionally exhausted Ben is greeted at his hotel room by a wine-toting Courtney who is there to offer him a "nightcap." Don't worry, she says "nightcap" four more times before she lets herself into the hotel room, opens up the robe she's wearing (a robe!) to reveal more cleave, and then convinces Ben to skinny dip. His response? "Why the hell not?" Exactly the words any needy girl wants to hear. My favorite part of the whole montage? The blatant cameras and flood lights focused on Ben and Courtney's approach to (and eventual) their nude ocean boning scene. It was 100% awkward, and it was also Courtney's biggest dream in life realized. Another great moment of this night was Courtney's convincing Ben to skinny dip by saying "We're only in Puerto Rico once." Oh really? What about the time you were there two months ago you so rudely reminded us of last week after you got a rose?

The cocktail party is rather uneventful except for Emily apologizing to Ben for bringing up the fact that Courtney sucks last week and promising never to focus on her again...only to dive back in to an anti-Courtney diatribe for five minutes. Hmmm...you'd think a PhD student would be more intelligent.

Roses go to:

1) Nicki

2) Kacie

3) Lyndzi

4) Jamie

5) Rachel

6) Courtney

7) Casey

8) Blakeley

9) Emily

Bye: Elyse and Jennifer. Yes, Jennifer was a surprise.

Awards:

1) Quote: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" - Courtney, on Blakeley.

2) Best Side Boob: Courtney's blurred-out boob on the beach

3) Over it: Ben. Does he really like anyone?

4) Frontrunner: See #3. But I guess I'd say Kacie and Lyndzi with the runner-up going to Courtney because she's easy.

Until next week,

Mike

"I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me."

Ladies and gentleman, friends and foes, lovers and non-lovers,

This episode is brought to you by the state of Utah, underwritten by the Church of Latter Day Saints and Mitt Romney. Why? Because we're in Park City this week, and I may or may not have been driving through while they filmed this episode. Why? I'm famous and I can't divulge too many details. So let's get to it.

The first date goes to Rachel. This is--cue the music--the first helicopter date of the season! The 'copter swoops the lovers up and over to a pristine lake on which they canoe and don't really talk much. After the awkward canoe ride (ride? what do you call canoeing?), they share a rather quiet and un-conversant dinner during which Rachel opens up just enough to secure a rose. Yes, I just reviewed this date in four sentences. Rachel left me with very little to work with.

The next date finds Jamie, Casey S., Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., and Courtney horseback riding through the "country" and fly fishing in waders and boots. Courtney, ever the model/actor in the making, decides this is a great opportunity to turn this group date into a one-on-one. And she does it quite successfully by convincing Ben to fish with her. She also convinced a fish to bite and she was the only one to catch a fish during the entire date. Barf. Later, the girls join Ben at the Waldorf-Astoria. My favorite part? The varied costume choices. We spanned hoodies to cocktail dresses to bikinis and it was amazing. What was also amazing was Samantha getting booted during their one-on-one time dring which she accosted Ben for taking her on three group dates in a row. Ben, ever the father figure, put her in her place and basically told her it was a test and she didn't pass. He sends her home mid-date. Later, Ben takes Kacie aside for some reassuring one-on-one time only to turn around and spend even more time with Courtney (her polar opposite). Courtney, the studied actress, ends up with the rose because Ben is dumb and falls for her conniving ways (she convinced him that she was concerned about things, thus opening up Ben to a lifetime of living with a case of the batsh*t crazies if he eventually chooses her, which he probably will because this show sucks).

The last date goes to sweet Jennifer, our homegrown girl from Oklahoma. They rappel into a crater lake, awkwardly kiss in the water (because of the treading of water and all), and share a rainy evening together. Daddy Ben cannot stop paying her compliments on her kissing ability, and later takes her to a country music concert where they dance awkwardly in front of 1,000 spectators. My. Worst. Nightmare. But whatever, she gets the rose and we think Jennifer is sweet.

At home, during Jennifer's date, the girls do makeovers, and talk sh*t about each other. Obviously the main subject is Courtney, but Courtney gets her chance too, during which she calls Jennifer "normal." You know what, Courtney? There is nothing normal about your bee-sting/paralyzed upper lip. You're annoying and your manager is clearly a rockstar for landing you this gig. Best of luck on The Bachelor Pad next season.

At the cocktail party, Emily decides it's about time to tell Ben about Courtney's conniving ways and general horrible-ness. Unfortunately, her words fall upon rather deaf ears, and Ben doesn't really buy into it, thus making our smart Emily look rather dumb. Boo...Ben, why are you stupid?

Later, Casey S. (apparently Courtney's only friend in the house), finds out that Emily talked to Ben about Courtney and immediately runs to Courtney to tell her. Courtney, the wordsmith she is, responds with, "I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me." Exactly, Courtney. My thoughts, exactly.

This is followed by a few scenes of blithering bitchiness on the part of Courtney, which eventually lands us at the rose ceremony.

Ugh, girls are exhausting!

Roses go to:
1) Rachel
2) Courtney
3) Jennifer
4) Lindzi
5) Jamie
6) Nicki
7) Kacie B.
8) Elyse
9) Blakeley
10) Casey S.
11) Emily

Bye: Samantha, Monica. Don't worry, they both cry, even though they don't know Ben.

Awards:
1) Thanks, Dad. This award goes to Ben, as he fatherly gives advice and pointers to the girls on a date-ly basis. My favorite this week (Ben to Courtney, about the group date: "I'm surprised how well you did." Thanks, Dad.)
2) Best bee sting lips: Courtney's
3) Best kisser: Jennifer, apparently
4) Front-runners: Kacie and Courtney.
5) Quote: "I'm a nice person; don't f*ck with me." - Courtney

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. Will Ben call Courtney out on her two bitchy comments at the end of this week's rose ceremony? After Ben told them they'd be heading to Vieques, Puerto Rico, Courtney responds with, "So two months ago." Then she raises her glass for the toast and says, "I can raise my glass higher than everyone." Thanks, Courtney. You're so smart you can actually point out the obvious.

Bridges, fainting and Shawntel

This episode takes us to sunny San Francisco, where we face our fears, ski in bikinis, and get sloppy seconds. Ben is so excited to spend time with the girls in his "hometown" (how many hometowns do you have, Ben?) and the girls do not disappoint when it comes to drama...except for they kind of do after all the previews ABC teased us with prior to this episode. I mean, how many of us thought that Ashley was going to be the Mystery Girl who reappeared for another chance? Boo, hiss.

The first date is one-on-one with Emily. The cute PhD candidate gets schooled when it comes to her fears as she and Ben climb the Bay Bridge together. Speaking from experience, having just climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge myself, this stuff is scary. Especially when it's not a well-traveled tourist destination and you find yourself scaling up a steel beam that collapsed in the late 80s during the big quake. Emily freaks out a bit (her biggest fear is heights), but all is solved when Ben fixes it with a kiss. As if we didn't think that was coming. Later, the two lovers share a dinner on a pier along the Embarcadero, and I think they actually have some chemistry. She shares a rather horrifying story of an online dating set-up with her brother, but all in all, the two hit it off. Emily actually seems normal. Don't quote me on this, but that's what it seemed like. Ben gives Emily the rose and they kiss under fireworks. You know, like every couple does at the end of their first date.

The next date is the group cluster-date, during which they get to realize something on their "leap list" which is something I've never heard of until this episode (brought to you by Honda) made it up. All the girls get to realize their lifelong dreams of skiing down a San Francisco street filled with fake ice/snow on a warm fall day in their bikinis in front of random passersby and Asian townies. I mean, who doesn't have this item on their mythical leap list? It was priceless seeing the girls fall and successfully pull off full-on spread eagle crotch shots for everyone in town? Simply amazing, if I do say so myself. Kacie B. gets the gold for the date by essentially going ass first down the hill until she crashes at the end. Later, the girls go to a bar, they all claw at a chance to make out with Ben and...wait...back to the hotel where the next date card is being delivered to the remaining girls.

Surprise! The next one-on-one goes to Brittney (remember the girl who showed up with her grandma?). Or does it? Brittney seems less than enthused by the idea of a date with Ben, and she tells the girls she's "torn and confused" about the prospect of being with Ben. Thus, she decides to leave the show and interrupt Ben on the group date to share the news of her departure. You know Grandma's pissed!

Back at the group date, Brittney does just that. She tells Ben she's voluntarily leaving, and he's a bit taken aback. But then he makes out with three more chicks and eventually gives the rose to Rachel. Clearly make outs solve everything. I learned that in the 8th grade.

So who gets Brittney's sloppy seconds? Lindzi! Ben and Lindzi share a cute date of trolley rides, ice cream, impromptu concerts at City Hall during which they're serenaded by Matt Nathanson, followed by double-secret cocktails at Bourbon and Branch where she tells Ben how she was once dumped via text message ("Welcome to Dumpsville: population you"). [Remind me to call her ex-boyfriend to get more one-liners. He should monetize these things!] It seemed fun and cute and Ben agrees by giving Lindzi a rose and telling the camera that "she has potential" like he's on House Hunters and debating putting down payment down or something. Um, Ben? Lindzi isn't some trashy townhome in Tampa, she's a woman who wants to maybe be your wife. Let's refer to her as more than "potential."

But then, the drama we've all been waiting for arrives in a slinky red dress to get her man. I thought it was Ashley, maybe Michelle Money, but I did not predict random-ass Shawntel, the funeral director from last season who laid Brad out on an embalming table only to get kicked off. But yes, that's who showed up looking for her chance at love with Ben. She walks in, the girls freak, and she interrupts Ben's time with Elyse to make her case. She sounds a bit crazy when she tells Ben about how she thought there was potential with Ben by watching his season. She also mentions how Ben and she had talked a few times. I this case, I'm pretty sure "talked" means "boned," but whatever. Shawntel asks to be able to attend the rose ceremony, and is here for the opportunity to earn a rose. Ben, a bit dumbfounded, calls the cocktail party quits a bit early. All the girls inevitably freak, and it's amazing. Courtney is mean to the other girls, stirs up some stuff with her oddly-immobile upper lip, and everyone is on edge.

At the rose ceremony, the drama unfolds a bit more. Courtney is not staying if Shawntel gets a rose, Jaclyn is crying, and there is a cat-like nip to the air.

Roses go to:
1) Emily
2) Rachel
3) Lindzi
4) Courtney (Who stays, duh. She has a career to further here!)
5) Kacie B
6) Elyse
7) Jamie
8) Jennifer
9) Casey
10) Blakeley
11) Monica
12) Nicki
13) Samantha
14) We're left with Jaclyn, Erika (who has fainted by this point...literally fainted), and Shawntel. Who does Ben choose? NO ONE! He sends them all home. So we're left with lucky 13.

Byeeeee: Brittney, Erika, Jaclyn, Shanwtel

Awards:
1) Most busted: Jaclyn
2) Best fake faint: Erika
3) Worst upper lip: Courtney
4) Most disgusting tattoo ever: Erika's tattoo INSIDE HER MOUTH. Gross.

Until next week,
Mike

This episode was brought to you by horses, jugs and chiclets

It's only episode two and I'm already tired. This show is simply exhausting, and it drives me to drink and stress eat far too much. Of course I'll never miss an episode as I have adoring fans worldwide, but if I were a free man I would probably be doing more manly and normal things like watching the NCAA national championship game featuring one drunk Southern school versus another. Alas I am not a free man, and I remained chained to two hours of hell on a weekly basis. You're welcome.

This week Ben whisks the girls away to his adopted hometown of Sonoma, CA. The first one-on-one date goes to my personal favorite, Kacie B. from Tennessee (I love her even more now that I just realized her name is a rhyme). Ben picks her up in his old-school Bronco convertible (my dream car!) and they spend the day in downtown Sonoma. At one point, Kacie finds a baton at a toy store and confesses to Ben she was a baton twirler when she was younger. Cue the performance and my embarrassment. But we love Kacie, so it's okay. Later, they budding lovebirds share a dinner at The Girl and The Fig (I love this place) and I think they actually have a connection. Ben gives Kacie a rose at dinner, and then they head to the movie theatre where the feature is old home movies of Kacie as a baby and Ben and his dad. Too soon? Yes. Debbie Downer alert, for sure. This causes Ben to cry on his first date with Kacie...which is both heartwarming and weak. They kiss. Aww...

The second date is a cluster-date with somewhere between 12 and 15 chicks. My idea of a disaster date. First, the girls put on a play with local children of wine snobs (this is Sonoma, after all) that makes me cringe at least 14 times. Granted, I loved the hilarious costumes, but still. And then Ben takes his shirt off on stage. Naturally. Okay, this is the first time Ben has taken his shirt off...including last season. Clearly those biceps were born in the off season. Kudos, ABC.

Later, the girls get to woo Ben in their swimsuits during the gratuitous pool scene. Ben starts kissing everyone, and eventually falls under Blakeley's horse face-jugs-and-chiclet-teeth-fueled evil spell. Poor Jennifer from Oklahoma feels bad and used, and the rest of the girls are just pissed. Samantha put it best, when referring to Blakeley: "We hate her. She's horsey and tranny." I couldn't have said it better myself. But I'll say it anyway. Blakeley (who serves drinks at NASCAR races and poses nude in her real life) has concrete boobs, a veneer flipper, and enough makeup to paint an entire drag queen show twice over. But don't worry, she gets the rose. And Ben's stock plummets.

The next, and last, date goes to Courtney, this season's other Villain. They share lunch, no original thoughts, and then they kiss and she gets the rose. Courtney literally has no thoughts of her own, and only regurgitates everything Ben tells her in order to keep the conversation going. Maybe she should focus less on trying to think of things to say, and more on figuring out how to work her oddly-inactive upper lip.

At the rose ceremony, everything that you would expect to happen actually happens. What's that, you ask? Blakeley is a bitch who interrupts not one, not two, but three girls' conversations with Ben. Jenna is an emotional train wreck who is so far removed from her mood stabilizers I'm thinking the producers hid all sharp objects in a 20-mile radius. Surprise! She cries again (12 times) about absolutely nothing. And the other chicks are grumpy and uneasy about the too-early drama that has blessed the sacred house. Someone refers to Blakeley as a "horse face" which causes her to feign emotion and hide in a bedroom. Ben then finds her (in a room filled with lights and cameras, wow!) and convinces her to come back out and join the living and less-inflated members of the cast. Next, he finds Tears McGee (Jenna) and urges her to do the same...only to dump her five minutes later at the rose ceremony. YES!

So, roses go to:
1) Kacie
2) Blakeley
3) Courtney
4) Jennifer
5) Emily
6) Elyse
7) Jaclyn
8) Erika
9) Rachel
10) Lindzi
11) Nicki
12) Casey
13) Samantha
14) Monica
15) Jamie
16) Brittney

Byeee to: Jenna (CRAZY) and Shawn (two-toned hair)

Tonight's awards:
1) Front runner: Kacie
2) Fakest everything (including personality): Blakeley
3) Poster child for what going off your Lithium/Xanax/Valium cocktail could do to you: Jenna.

Until next week,
Mike

I have a feeling we've been here before

Friends, foes, followers and fans,

Here we are again. A new year. A new resolution. A new show. Except the "new" show is being repeated for the 16th time and we just keep coming back for more. Gluttons for punishment we are, and it's just time to admit it: we love this train wreck of a show and we'll never let this love affair die, even though the love found on this show dies 99% of the time. But let's be optimistic this year. At least for tonight. We are the 1% (who still watch this show). If we're not optimistic about love, let's at least be optimistic that these chicks will bring drama and tears for days, because that's all we really care about. Let's also be optimistic that the next bachelorette (season to start May 2012) is one of these 25 young ladies vying for Ben's love but really vying for a chance at stardom all her own.

The episode begins with teasers into nine of the bachelorettes' lives. I love this because ABC fools you into believing these girls will all be contenders. Why else would they waste all this time flying to their hometowns and profiling their lives if they're going to be kicked off early? To fool us, that's why. And, as always, there are a couple of unlucky ones (Amber and Lyndsie [not to be confused with the other ridiculously-spelled Lindzi]...sorry). Of course the other seven will probably be the last seven standing because ABC can't fool us too hard. We're on to you. And it only took 82 seasons.

Before we meet the 25 chicks, let's first catch up with Ben. Oh hi, Ben. You're still cute and still into wine? Great. Also still rocking cute style and a bad haircut? Yup. Ugh...seriously? You couldn't have cleaned up that mop even a little bit?

Back to the girls. I won't profile all 25 because we've seen them all before. But some fun ones stick out. The first lady out of the limo is Rachel. Cute, and totally on trend with bangs. Unfortunately her busted teeth are not so much in season. Sorry. We also have Canadian Bacon...I mean...Amber. There's a Kentucky-bred pageant queen named Samantha, and a VIP cocktail waitress named Blakeley. Don't worry, she's totally on the show for love. I swear. A grandma also gets out of the limo, but only to introduce her cute granddaughter, Brittney (to emphasize her love of family, duh). Jennifer from Oklahoma gets out and tells Ben she tried on 54 dresses before choosing the dazzler of the night (a sparkly navy stunner two sizes too big). Um...methinks you should have tried 55, sweetie. (Props to LC for that comment, and my whole Bachelor-watching crew in ATX who makes my life infinitely better with nonstop banter and ever-flowing wine.) My favorite entrance of the night, though, goes to Anna, a.k.a. Ms. Detroit, who literally walks right past Ben without saying hi. I about died. But then I realized, it's probably how she deals with strangers. Girl can't ever be too safe in the D-town. I also loved Lindzi's entrance on horseback.

Other tidbits I loved tonight:
-The lesbian encounter between Monica and Blakeley on the couch.
-The fight that ensued between Monica (lesbian McGee) and Jenna over literally nothing (as in, eight of us couldn't figure out why Jenna was mad at Monica, and it was awesome). It left Jenna in near hysterics and Monica talking about cutting her.
-Jenna and Monica both being blackout wasted to the point of slurring their incoherent thoughts in hopes of reconciling their invented problems.
-Dianna's homemade dress that made her look like an artisan sausage in white.
-Courtney being profiled as this season's Villain with the role of Back-up Villain played by Monica.

In the end, the First Impression Rose went to Lindzi, the horse lover. She seems nice, but there might be some crazy underneath.

Roses went to:
1) Lindzi
2) Jamie
3) Rachel
4) Blakeley (For ratings, duh. This show needs straight men to watch it.)
5) Emily
6) Kacie
7) Casey
8) Brittney
9) Erika
10) Shawn
11) Nicki
12) Jennifer
13) Elyse
14) Samantha
15) Courtney
16) Jaclyn
17) Monica
18) Jenna

Tonight's awards:
1) Drunky McDrunkerson: Jenna. You had so much potential until the tears started. And your general annoyingness.
2) Worst dress: Casey from KS and Jennifer from OK
3) Hot Mess Express: Jenna
4) Weirdest "Job": VIP Cocktail Waitress (Blakeley from Charlotte, NC). I'm thinking this means she serves drinks at NASCAR races.
5) Villain: Courtney and Monica
6) Front-runner(s): Kacie and Lindzi. Big hopes for Kacie from TN.

Until next week!
Mike

Ben F. is the next Bachelor

Oh Ben...I had higher hopes for you than this. Really? The next Bachelor?

Are you too nice for a season full of me tearing you (and your lady friends) down on a weekly basis?

Time will tell, Ben. Time will tell. Until then, keep drinking your wine. You'll need it.

Happy Ending

Are you ready for this mess? It's pretty simple: this season was the worst. As was this episode. There's nothing like a tatted-up overly-critical sister to bring a man down, and that's exactly what happened tonight.

You'd think Fiji was an amazing place until you saw Ashley's family there. Nothing like a sweaty brother wearing a shark's tooth necklace to bring a bro down. Add a ridiculous amount of sweat into the equation and you're done for. Dude was toweling off on camera throughout the episode. Pair him with his Nascar-loving dad and bad-dye-job mom, and the family was a mess. And don't even get me started on the sister. She says she's the rational one? I'd love for her to explain the rationale in covering every square inch of her upper body in bad-taste tattoos. Yup, I said it. Really? An Asian woman on your upper arm? No thank you.

The first family meet-up was with JP. A sweaty JP got to meet a very sweaty family on the very sweaty lawn of their private cottage. Whomever produced this episode was either 1) brilliant or 2) blind. Why show each and every wiping of the sweat from the brow/boobs/neck throughout the entire date? (Too make us drink faster during our impromptu drinking game, thankyouverymuch.) A sweaty JP is questioned quite heavily from Ashley's tatted up (like tattoos from head to toe) sister. The one that ruined it all: "Does he make you laugh?" asked the horrible sister. To which Ashley can't fathom a response. From there on out, Sister Tats McGee was over it and over JP. She let him know, too. She told him that Ashley was more into Brad last season than she was into him, and she told Ashley the same. Cue the tears (and cue Reason To Drink #2 in our drinking game). In the words of Evil Sister: "You're too much for him," to which Ashley states that "He's better for me" (than Ben). Later, during some one-on-one time, Ashley's sister and JP sit down to chat further. Amy Winehouse (I mean her sister) says that JP is too serious for Ashley and we all have decided Sister is obnoxious and horrible and jealous. Ugh...the only good part about this date was when Ashley's sister made her cry (which we, once again, drank to). Anyone see where Ashley's insecurity comes from? Done and done.

The next date--oddly later the same day--was with Ben. A sweaty Ben meets her same dumb family. Luckily they're inside this time...but it doesn't stop poor Ben from sweating profusely. There is very little remarkable about this date besides: 1) Ben re-confirming the fact that he always dresses well; 2) Ashley's brother looks like a sweaty k.d. lang; and 3) when Ben and Ashley demonstrated their talking-to-their-dog voices, I drank an entire bottle of wine. Ashley's sister was way nicer to her; and--in turn--Ashley was totally weird and pretending she was funny and silly with Ben when in fact she was just stupid and dumb and trying to impress her family.

Later, she has her final date with Ben during which she is totally over him and he overtly expresses his love for her. She closed-mouth kisses him and it's amazingly horrible. I'll drink to that. Poor Ben...

Next, she has her last date with JP. He's totally over the fact that her family completely hated him, but he tells her he loves her and gives her a completely unoriginal producer-made photo album. We all collectively barf...but then we barf more when Ashley leaves the date without boning him. What?!? Seriously? Maybe it's because we all know who she's choosing and she knows she has a lifetime (or a month) of boning ahead of her.

So...yeah...

At the rose ceremony, Horrible Ashley gets a visit from the well-dressed Ben first. He gets down on one knee and proposes. What's horrible about this is the fact that Ashley let him get this far knowing she was going to say no. Poor guy gets dumped. But his reaction is amazing and dignified. We love him. We hate Ashley for letting him get to the point of getting on one knee when she knew she wasn't going to choose him. She just confirmed her horrifitude (made that word up, yes).

Next, JP shows up in his awfully-textured black tux to propose to a stupid Ashley who says yes even though neither of them are sure of this. Surprise! It's the end of another horrible season and we're promised a break-up and tear-filled TV special in the very near future (which will be coincidentally timed perfectly with the start of another Bachelor season). Sidenote: I didn't even see the proposal because I was too entertained by the reaction of my friends with whom I watched this far-too-long season.

Awards:
1) Worst underscore EVER: "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore," by REO Speedwagon during the proposal and its aftermath. If you were wondering what 80s power ballad had the cheapest music rights, now you know. Really? Really...this actually happened.
2) Best Dressed: Ben. All season long. The world has a collective crush on you.
3) Most dignified: Ben. We heart you and your perfectly hipster-meets-prep personal style. See you next season when you're the Bachelor.

Until never,
Mike

P.S. I can't even get started on the "After the Final Rose Special." There wasn't enough wine...even though there was and I drank two bottles on my own over the course of this train-wreck of a night. What? Yes.

To Bone or Not To Bone

Dear Baby Jesus, please make this season end. Oh, what? You're shortening it a week and airing The Dudes Tell All and The Finale back-to-back next week? Thank you for also realizing this is the worst season ever, and that Ashley will go down in history as horrible.

Now that we have that cleared up, let's get to tonight's episode. In two words: it sucked. To Bone or Not To Bone is a seminal moment in each season, yet somehow--like clockwork--Ashley has failed to deliver once again. But before we get into tonight's three boring dates, Ryan (a.k.a. Smiles McGee) returns to reclaim his lost love. Um...no...but more on that later. You still suck, and must we remind you she sent you home!

The first date is with Ben. He is cute, he is fashionable, and he adores her with his doe-eyed oblivion. He's also way more into her than she is into him, and it's slightly upsetting. After 82 seasons of this mess, I can hone right in on the setting-you-up-for-heartbreak music, and it was underscoring the entire date. Of course, we have a few moments of cuteness (or downright overt sexuality) when they cuddle-slash-almost-bone on the boat deck. At dinner, Ben is ready to open up, but we can all read Ashley's over-it face a mile away. Regardless, when faced with the To Bone or Not To Bone date card, they choose: To Bone. However I fail to believe there was boneage. Sad, because I like him best. (Guess who's going to be next season's Bachelor?!?!? You heard it here first.)

The next date is with Constantine. She clearly likes him. He's clearly put on some weight. They have a lovely day on a helicopter and jumping in waterfalls. Then they have a dinner which President Obama rudely decided to interrupt with our silly debt crisis. I mean, really? Is the President of our fair States really prioritizing our inevitable default on debt over Constantine and Ashley's inevitable breakup? Really, Barack? Now?!? The audacity (of hope) this man has is unbelievable! But back to the task at hand...which is Constantine breaking up with Ashley mid-date! Yes, you read that correctly. He says he hoped to be at a point of saying he loved her, and he's unable to do it. He then excuses himself from the date (third guy so far this season!!!) and walks away from free sex. Let's be honest, people. He must have really been over Ashley to walk away from a night of free, guiltless, and paid-for lovemaking in the Fantasy Suite to dump her mid-dinner. It was downright amazing. And with that, Ashley has just set a record for the most-dumped contestant in history. In other words, I'm not the only one who thinks she's the worst. More wine, please. Verdict: Not To Bone.

The last date is with JP. Ashley poignantly describes their relationship as "adventuresome," a word I would not have chosen (nor do I believe exists). But first, she dumps Ryan again. But enough about him. JP and Ashley have a nice date. She definitely likes him, but does she really like him? Or is she just nervous he's the only one that has a chance because she's been walked out on 12 times this season? I think the latter. My favorite part of the date? When Ashley told JP that she and Constantine decided together that there was nothing between them. Amazing euphemism for "he dumped me." It was brilliant. But JP was sold. At the end of the date, the verdict was in: To Bone.

So...another uneventful rose ceremony of foregone conclusions leaves us with:

1) Ben
2) JP (Who wore mandals. MANDALS!!!!!!)

Awards:
1) Worst: Ashley

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. For those who missed it, The Dudes Tell All is next Sunday, and The Finale is next Monday. 7 more days until we're free!

Hometown Dates

This will be fast. Why? Because I missed last week due to my famous trip to Sonoma. Why was I there? Because this show forced me to take an entire trip focused on wine and the consumption thereof. Wine makes life easier because this show makes life hard. Thanks. That is all. (Sorry for the atypical delay in posting, for real.)

Before the first hometown date, we get to see Ashley's studio apartment (yes, I just said studio--as in one-room home--in Philadelphia). Nothing like a Bachelorette living the glamorous life.

Date one: Constantine at home in Georgia. They start at his Italian restaurant. Yes, you read that correctly. The Greek guy's Italian restaurant. Naturally. But then you throw in a Greek dad and a full on Southern mom, and it makes sense. Just a mixed bag, if you will. Cute dinner and a nice family--especially when the extended family showed up for a fulfills-all-stereotypes Greek family gathering dance party. Awesome. Overall, I give the date an A-. She got the approval of both Mom and Dad. Opa!

Date two: Ames and his WASP-defining family. Nothing like the Main Line, Philadephia to reenforce every stereotype of the American WASP. It's amazing. Horse-farm-dwelling-yet-urbane stiff-upper-lipped family? Brilliant. He and his sister, Serena, are literally twins (down to the teeth and forehead), and I love all of it. Her name is not fitting, but whatever. Her Botox is also a mess, but whatever. Don't worry about the sister's convo with Ashley. It happened poolside...next to their INDOOR pool. Like, barf. I mean, do they live in a house, or a country club? Or is there any difference to Ames's family? My favorite part? His sister hits home the fact that no one can find a fault in Ames. Um...yes they can. I've met five of them and his faults are pretty pronounced. What? Yes. I also loved that his family Waspily (didn't say it verbally, but said it with their tone and facial expressions) realized that Ashely is not one of them. She's essentially the help, and I almost expected his mom and sister to ask Ashley to clear the dishes. Later, Ames and Ashley spend some time alone where we are now shown that, without a doubt, the two share no chemistry.

Next we head to--where else??--Sonoma! Ben F. is cute in his grey jeans and boat shoes and he's smitten as he takes her to taste his wines out of the barrel. Ahhh...to be smitten. And wine tasting. (Sidenote: I want his family's house in Sonoma. Thanks.) They share a dinner with Mom and Sister. And then there's the emotional talk about Dad with Mom, and we all cry. OK, Ben just jumped to the top of my list on which he was already towering. Ben is falling for her, she likes him back, and there's not much more to say.

Finally, we head to Long Guyland to meet JP's family. Upon seeing him, Ashley confirms she definitely likes him with her reaction and demeanor. Since it's raining, they go roller skating, like all 7th graders do. All the details were there, down to the number one power ballad of all time: REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling." I died. Then I barfed. Then I died more when they shared wine out of paper cups. Later on, we head to his family's house in Roslyn, NY. From here on out, please read everything in a harrible Long Guyland accent. Their house is wondahfully suburban, and it's positively perfect...in a vinyl-sided kind of way. Everyone is so darn concerned about JP, though. Who was this devil woman who broke his heart so profoundly? Poor guy. But, not too poor. He's totally fallen for Ashley and is confident they'll end up together. This may not end well...

Back in LA Ashley chooses everyone but Ames. Surprise!

The final three:
1) Constantine
2) Ben
3) JP

Goodbye Ames. Your incapacity to process your dismissal was hilarious. Your dumbfounded face was priceless and we enjoyed every minute of your mouth agape. And your fake tan. In addition, your jacket was pinned AGAIN. Why did this happen twice?

Sorry for posting this so late. Another update after tonight's episode.

Until...um...tonight,
Mike

Made in Taiwan

Children...we only have a few episodes left until this dreaded season comes to a close and another impending breakup is upon us. I pray we make it through. Thank God we have wine to dull the pain.

Tonight we continue our travels through Asia, and find ourselves in Taipei, Taiwan. We've got four dates to get through, so let's get started!

Date one goes to Constantine. Honestly, I have little to report. They paint a paper lantern, walk around, and share a dinner. I'm not sold that Constantine is into Ms. Ashley, and his lack of leg-grazing confirms the fact. But, he is getting cuter as the season goes on. Is he into her? I vote maybe. A big Greek maybe.

Date two brings the second Josh Groban look-a-like together with Ashley on a moped cruise through the gorges of Taiwan. After a brilliant Dumb and Dumber reference by Ben, the lovebugs hop on the motorcycle and drive around the Taiwanese countryside. Later, at dinner, Ben is wearing a killer outfit (chambray shirt and dark jeans)--total preppy hipster--and I love it. He is 100% falling for her, and I just can't tell if she's not feeling it or just drunk. But, after he lays some special lines on her, they kiss. Is she a bad kisser? Perhaps. Give us some tongue, people! Enough of this pecking BS. But later, they go at it and he totally rubs up on her.

As I was ruminating on whether or not Ben and Ashley were made to be, we cut to the next morning when Ben returns from the date. Excuse me, what? Did he have the chance to bone her before the To Bone or Not to Bone episode? Is he jumping the gun on jumping her bones? Honestly, I don't really care. But you know who does? JP. He about loses it as Ben returns home the morning after he left for his date. He can't handle it, and slightly freaks out. Unfortunately for bald guys, we can see those veins bulging much easier without hair (Thank you Baby Jesus, for blessing me with a full mop up top!) and his emotions are plainly visible.

The group date is next, and lucky Lucas, Ames and JP get to go to a wedding photo shoot where they dress up in idiotic outfits and take stereotypical Asian wedding pics. It's like the worst date ever. Lucas is dressed in a manmono (man kimono), Ames looks like Elton John, and JP (lucky) dons a dapper black tux. The photo shoot goes OK, and afterwards, there is a cocktail party and some one-on-one time. Ames busts out the big guns with Nantucket reds, a blue oxford, and a navy blazer (I die). Unfortunately for him, JP gets the rose after proving that--perhaps--he's more insecure than Ashley. JP divulges to her that he's not dealing with her dating other guys very well, and I think she secretly loves the validation of her innate insecurity. I think JP's strategery works perfectly as his honestly earns him a rose.

The last one-on-one goes to Mr. Happy (Ryan). Or is he? Honestly, the date is a bore. It's the moment he's been waiting for all season...and...well...he blows it. They have nothing to talk about, he quizzes her--after moments of silence and awkwardness--on her environmental concerns (did he really bring water heaters into the conversation??!!??), and she's just not feeling it. Nor are we. Thus, she lets him go in the middle of the date. His reaction was priceless. His smile lines/crows feet quickly turn to frown lines, and we're forced to endure far too many minutes of forced fake tears, emotion, and hilarious photo ops as he deals with the stunning blow to his ever-so-smiley ego. The montage of walks past bridal boutiques, thoughtful moments in rose gardens, and priceless cab hailings against a heart-shaped flower backdrop (I'm serious) were nearing the point of priceless. But honestly, good riddance Sir Smiles-a-lot. We've had enough.

After his emotional parting, Ashley knows who's getting the boot as she tells Chris that she will not be hosting a cocktail party prior to the rose ceremony. So...duh...she gives roses to:

1) JP
2) Constantine
3) Ben
4) Ames--Kudos to anyone who noticed his jacket was pinned to appear better fitting than it actually was. Um...stylists?

Byeeee: Lucas. Best of luck back on the oil fields of Texas. As if Ashley is cut out for that life. And as if this decision was a surprise.

Tonights awards.
1) Best outfit: Ames's Nantucket reds ensemble. Close second goes to hipster-meets-prep Ben. Love him.
2) Frontrunner: Ben. Sorry JP...you've been dethroned.
3) The Close Your Mouth Award: Ames. Just see if he EVER closes his mouth. He can't. Must be the size of his ego and veneers keeping that bad boy propped open.

Until next week,
Mike

P.S. Emily came back and told us why she and Bromack broke up. Except for she didn't. Not a word about why they parted. Do you think her Dallas-style blowout and boob inflation had anything to do with it? Or is Brad intimidated by the fact that any part of her face above her eye sockets is incapable of moving? Awesome. And we'll be seeing her on the next season of The Bachelorette.

Bromack. Emily. Donezo.

Read all the juice here.

The inevitable break-up has finally occurred. And another one bites the dust.

The return of the Dot Dot Dot

It's the night we've been waiting for. Bentley, the d-bag of the century is set to return to (hopefully) confirm, once and for all, that he's the douchiest of bags.

So before we get into this episode's dates in Hong Kong, we first get to see the dreaded Bentley once more. When Chris Harrison tells Ashley that Bentley has flown to Hong Kong and is in the hotel to see her, she responds with a profound: "SHUT UP!" Chris is like...um...no. And you're crazy. Ashley then confesses to the camera that she's so excited Bentley flew all the way to Hong Kong to see her. Like he's actually there to rekindle the relationship they never had. Um, Ashley? 1) You're still officially deranged; and 2) He's there for one reason and one reason only: to extend his crusty 15 minutes of "fame" and to chill in a posh hotel suite instead of being a father to his poor (and poorly-named) daughter.

After letting the shock that Bentley is back settle in, Ashley heads to his room to figure out the "dot dot dot." At the door, we get to witness the most awkward kiss of the season thus far, as Ashley plants one on an unsuspecting Bentley. It's amazingly hilarious. And like that, Bentley starts leading her on once again. Leg touches, arm grazes, you name it. This guy has his act down...he's a true artisan of douche baggery, and for that, I salute him. But, in the end, Ashley surprisingly sees through his idiocy, and realizes that this is not the dot dot dot, but the period. I did actually love that she called him out for simply wanting a "vacay" as opposed to figuring things out with her. You finally guessed it Ashley! Congrats! So...with a very apropos "F*ck you" from Ashley, Bentley is sent packing forever, and she's finally capable of falling for the guys who are actually there to be with her. (As opposed to plug their indoor trampoline business.)

So, on to the dates! The first one-on-one goes to Lucas, or Big Tex. It's this West Texan's first time to shine...and like the oil glistening on his cowboy boots...he kind of does. Their date is a stroll around town followed by a sail and dinner in the harbor. At first I thought there was no spark whatsoever, but then Ashley gets him to open up a bit about his divorce, and he seems like a genuinely good guy. She gives him a rose, and then he gives her a cute kiss and they dance. Ashley confesses she feels comforted by his "manlihood." After briefly choking on my wine and dying, I've decided that yes, she is the worst. I'm not sold on Lucas at all, but he does seem very calm and collected and comfortable around her. Dark horse?

The group date puts Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ben, Ames and Blake in a boat-to-boat dragon race to woo Ashley. The six guys are split into three teams. The Blue Team, or Team Twinsies, is Constantine and Ben. The Red Team, or Team Frenemies, is Blake and Ryan. And The Black Team, or Team Pronounced Facial Features (Ames's forehead and Mickey's jaw), is Ames and Mickey. They have to recruit innocent Hong Kongians (what is the proper term here, and do I care?) to fill their boats so they can compete with a full team. Long story short, Team Pronounced Facial Features wins the big race...and later that night (after little to report besides Ames's and Ashley's kiss-filled elevator ride to a nice view of Hong Kong) the rose goes to bright, happy, cheerful Ryan. The guys are pissed. Ryan is, well, happy. Duh. Dude has two emotions, happy and happier, and she's bringing them both out to shine.

The last date is the long awaited second one-on-one between current frontrunner, JP, and Ashley. She's very excited to see him, and JP is equally so. He's also super sexy and we all love him. We love him even more after he fully tells Ashley he's falling for her. Then Ashley tells JP about Bentley. As suspected, this cool cat shrugs it off and loves her for her honesty. He was a bit thrown at first, but he comes back around and spends the rest of the date making out with her all over Hong Kong after he gets the rose. He's definitely got a lock on the frontrunner position. Did anyone catch her calling him "Jordan Paul?" Go Team JP! We got some love in the making.

Then at the rose ceremony, a confident and relieved Ashley wants to get the Bentley news off her non-existent chest to the rest of the guys. Surely they'll take it as well as JP did. Right? Wrong. Unfortunately, they're not as nice as JP and the reaction is...well...mixed at best. Lucas is flat-out pissed. Ryan is happy-go-lucky as always. Blake is mad, but after he makes her cry, his mood changes and he's over it. And Mickey flat-out asks to be sent home, and after Ashley turns it on him, he dismisses himself and floats away into the Hong Kong moonlight. I mean, he was boring, so no one really cares that he's left, but that was a dumb move. Or smart, if you--like the rest of us--think Ashley is a big mess.

So, after an emotional week in Hong Kong, Ashley gives roses to:
1) Lucas
2) Ryan
3) JP
4) Ben
5) Constantine
6) Ames

Byeeeee to: Mickey and Blake. No big loss there as we never got to know Blake, and he was kind of a dick about Ashley's Bentley news. But I think he's a good guy, so sorry to see him go.

1) The Official "Dot Dot Dot" Count: 8. She said it 8 damn times.
2) F-bomb surprise: Ashley has a potty mouth!
3) Sexiest: JP
4) Frontrunner: JP
5) Always wearing white pants: Ames. Will I see you in Nantucket later this summer?

My end of season prediction, after seeing the saucy previews: JP makes it to the end. But, after a few twists and turns near the end where he's not convinced Ashley loves him, he leaves her on the altar even though she chooses him in the end. So Ashley ends up alone. Yup, I said it. I also think Ames might secretly make it to the final two as well. We seriously have to live with his forehead for another month? Yikes!!!

Until next week (Is it on? Do I have to skip the beautiful Pure Michigan fireworks to watch this trainwreck?),
Mike

Brain Damage

Brain damage? I think I have it after watching this show. Ames also has it, but we'll get into that later. In case you've never watched this show before, this was a horrible season to start. Why? Because Ashley is simply the worst. The worst, I tell you! Thank God the wine is limitless in my kitchen...speaking of, let me pour another glass and get this mess started.

We continue our insecure jaunt through Asia with a trip from Phuket to Chiang Mai where there will be--surprise!!--three dates. The first date is a one-on-one between Ben "Emo" F. and Ashley. He looks cute in a pink polo, but he mucks it up with some dark shoes. Sure, my inner preppy loved that they were boat shoes, but still. Wrong color. They spend the day in the markets of Chiang Mai, and frankly, it's boring. Then they sit down and chat near a temple, close to which it is apparently inappropriate to kiss. They talk about how much they want to kiss, and Ashley plants this special quote on us to wake us up as we nod off: "I just wanna jump on him." Sure...me too...if he would show his personality (and his body) a little bit. They share a romantic outdoor dinner later that night during which Ben talks about himself, they share a kiss, and he gets a rose. Nothing too much was notable from the night, besides the fact that Ben looked like a real life Aladdin in his balloon pants and white shirt. Very East Asia chic.

The next date is the group date, and it's a killer sucka punch to the face. Literally. Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, JP and Mickey meet Ashley (who is wearing a stuffed sports bra) at a Thai boxing school where they learn the ins and outs of how to kick a$$ Thai style. The best part, later in the day the dudes are paired up and they literally beat the sh*t out of each other in the ring as Ashley looks on. Very romantic! Amazing date idea, producers! But before we get into who beats whom, let me proudly announce that this is the FIRST SHIRTLESS SCENE OF THE SEASON! Thank Baby Jesus, we finally see the guns these guys have been hiding for the past four episodes! Good body awards go to Ames (I'm sure he's had personal trainers since age 5, being the privileged one he is), Blake and Mickey; although they all looked pretty good. The bods were a bit freshly shorn for my taste, but that's just me.

On to the match-ups...Blake beat Lucas; JP beat Mickey; Ryan P. gave Ames brain damage; and Constantine beat Nick the body builder. Of course with any date involving sport, we had an injury as I hinted in the previous sentence. Ames, with his delicate mind, was clocked one too many times and he was driven via ambulance to a Thai emergency room...all while wearing pink shorts. To be honest, it was awesome. He was 100% dazed and confused and literally just stared aside and smiled for the next day. I loved it. For once, he wasn't regaling us with stories of the 75 countries he's visited and how he's surely Thai boxed with a private tutor before. After his brief visit to the help, though, he returns to the date donning the requisite WASPy white pants and navy blazer. Sure, he looked good. But his blank stare was still in full effect. I loved it. I also loved that Blake got the rose and finally came out of nowhere to give us the goods. Will this be a match made in dentistry heaven? No. Ashley is a mess. But one can hope.

Meanwhile, back at the resort, the final two guys--William and Ben C.--get their dreaded two-on-one date card. Nothing much to report here, except for the fact that William is over the top drunk as the date card arrives. Nothing was made of it during the show, but it was awesome. Dude's eyes were rolling back and he could barely string two words together. It was awesome.

The next day, William and Ben C. go on their date with Ashley. Two walk out the door, and only one will return. Or will he? The two boys accompany Ashley on an elephant-riding, raft-driving date through the Thai wilderness. Ben walks funnily, and William is short. Not only is he short in stature, though, William is also short on manners as he throws Ben under the bus for talking about going home and online dating during his one-on-one time with Ashley. This leads to the best (worst) moment of the night, when Ashley goes directly from her time with William the Rat to dumping Ben without even questioning what she's just heard? Why? Because she's an insecure, spineless idiot and I'm over her. But back to the show...Ben is sent packing without question. It's simply ridiculous. She trusts a cell phone salesman with no college education to show her the way to love? If I trusted a cell phone salesman to guide me through life, I would be saddled with four extra cell phones on a family unlimited plan for the family I don't have. Just sayin'...

But later, Ashley slightly redeems herself by sending William home too. Yes...where two men went...NONE returned! But before he went, William said at dinner: "I'm a 30-year-old boy, I still have a lot to do." Yeah, like get a real job and go to college. So, he's sent home at dinner and he says, during an almost-tearful goodbye, "I leave here; I go back to nothing." Sidenote: I doubt the semicolon was included in the sentence as it came out of his mouth, but it just felt right. Plus, he's not going home to nothing. He's going home to a job at the Sprint store at the mall in Ohio! Lucky William.

At the rose ceremony, Ashley is a predictable insecure, boring mess. She is totally over it and still hung up on the guy who willingly left the show two episodes ago because he's a fame-hungry a$$: Bentley. I literally can't comprehend this, so I'm not going to get into it in this precious place we call the blogosphere. But she's a train wreck and I can't wait until Bentley comes back next week.

The only other notable thing at the rose ceremony was Constantine's unfortunate neon green dress shirt, which luckily (for us, not Ashley) matched Ashley's eye makeup. Amazing.

So, Ashley gave roses to:
1) Ben F.
2) Blake
3) Constantine
4) Lucas
5) JP
6) Ames
7) Mickey
8) Ryan

Byeeeee: Ben C., William, Nick.

Awards:
1) Biggest Mess: Ashley
2) Worst. Bachelorette. Ever: Ashley. Right on the heels of the Worst Bachelor Ever, Bromack!
3) Frontrunner: JP.

Until next week,
Mike

Thigh-land

As each and every season does, we've moved on from LA. This season we're headed to rainy Phuket, Thailand. Why? Because it's cheaper during the rainy season, duh. And Ashley is so heartbroken over Bentley that she needs a change of scenery. At least that's what Chris Harrison says. We all know this was the plan all along, but we'll just go with it. And on the Bentley note? Let's play a little game here. It's called How Many Times Can Ashley Mention Bentley in One Episode? (I'll give you a hint: it's over 10.)

Upon arriving to Thailand, Ashley sits down with the concierge of the resort to ask for assistance in planning the dates. Does this barely-English-speaking concierge actually help her plan dates? No, but it's a great effort at getting the resort more of a branded presence in a greater way than just flashing the sign in the exterior shot. Great job, Renaissance Resort, Phuket. Kudos.

Before I get into the dates, though, can I please air a rather large grievance first? We are on episode four, people, and we have YET to have a shirtless pool scene! This is blasphemy! There are two reasons we watch The Bachelorette. The first is hot guys, and the second is shirtless hot guys. Help a brother out, ABC. Your show is built upon gratuitous shirtless scenes...make it happen already! There has been no shortage of pools at your locations. There has, however, been a shortage of shirtless man meat.

The first date goes to Constantine. He's flown under the radar so far, so we're not sure what to expect. Their date is supposed to be a boat to a private beach, but the red flags at sea force the date to the land. So Constantine and Ashley shop on the streets of Phuket and gain advice on how to make a marriage work from a poor shopkeeper. You know, the normal. In between scenes, Ashely focuses each and every voiceover opportunity on Bentley and how she misses him. Awesome. Bentley: 3; Constantine: 0. Luckily, Constantine bears his guns during the dinner scene and woos Ashley even though he's wearing running socks on the beach. What was he thinking? He's on a beach and he's wearing shoes and socks? But he gets a rose. And I think he might actually be a good guy. With nice arms...

The second date is the group date between Ben F., JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William and Ryan. This is the date I'd like to hereafter refer to as the Bachelor Gives Back date. This season, the guys come expecting a lovely day on the seas off Phuket, but instead they have to repair an orphanage. Ashley, the well-spoken one of the group, leads off with this tasty treat: "In case you didn't know, in 2004 there was a tsunami." Oh really, Ashley? The tsunami that killed hundreds of thousands of people just a few years ago and devastated an entire corner of the globe?!?! Nope...don't remember it. But the guys pitch in and do a good deed by painting the orphanage and giving away bikes to needy kids. Ben F. walks away the big winner of the day by painting a poorly-done mural of an elephant and being very emo about it. Not only does the dude look like Josh Groban, he has the heart of an artist too! He also secretly has guns as his biceps were lookin' good as he painted his ugly mural. Later in the evening, JP makes out with Ashley, after which she proclaims his kisses to be the best she's had so far. Pretty hot, I must say. Gotta love a good townie. Ryan, fastly becoming the new most hated member of the house, steals Ashely away not once, but twice, and totally irks the guys. Before the highly anticipated and Worst Pool Scene Ever, Ashley gives the rose to her emo lover Ben F. Then we have our first mass shirtless scene of the season in which no bodies are revealed due to poor lighting and bad editing. Thanks for nothing.

The last date goes to Ames, or, as I'd like to refer to him, Forehead McGee. Forehead arrives wearing a sassy cap-sleeved top and white shorts, like any Yale grad turned NYC banker should. He spares no time in announcing he's been to Thailand four times before (duh, who hasn't?) and regales us with stories of his privileged past (he's been to 70 countries) interspersed with horrifying comments about the fact that navigating caves in a kayak is akin to navigating a new relationship. Profundity, indeed. This dude is as rehearsed as last night's Tony Awards. Before this date, all I cared to know about Yale was the hard-and-fast rule of "One in four, maybe more" (as in one in four guys are gay on campus). Now I just think they're all douchebags. Sorry gays, Ames stole your thunder. He also stole a rose. Ashley is quickly becoming the bachelorette with the worst judgment ever. She's also ridiculously insecure, but we knew that last season. Also, Ames was shirtless in one scene, but we didn't even get to see the bod because his forehead was in the way. Boo.

At the rose ceremony, the boys apparently no longer feel the need to dress up. I think one of them wore a tie. They also don't feel the need to impress Ashley. When asked if he's ready for a relationship, West lets an awful lot of silence pass before giving a bad answer. Lucas just seems like a West Texas frat boy. And Ryan is just happy and dimply, as always.

But Ashley, ever the rule-breaker, feels like she needs to give out 11 roses tonight, instead of 10. So the 11 left standing are:

1) Constantine
2) Ben F.
3) Ames
4) Lucas
5) Ryan
6) JP
7) Nick - Surprise of the night! Dude hasn't had a second of face time yet!
8) Mickey
9) Blake - Better step it up soon.
10) William
11) Ben C.

Byeeee to West. Sorry about your wife, and sorry that some total losers got to stay and not you. :(

Tonight's awards:
1) The Bentley Count: I counted 11 mentions of the DB of the century. You?
2) Literary Scholar/Douchebag Alert/Botoxable Forehead of Dreams: Ames
3) Frontrunner: JP, with Ben F. trailing closely behind.
4) Most famous: Me, duh.

Until next week,

Mike

Dot dot dot...

People, let me just say that--as we all hope--it gets better. Because if it doesn't get better after tonight's episode, our world is doomed to eternal singledom and damnation. Why? Because tonight the walls of normalcy came down and one entire half of our world (the male half) will be digging itself out of its grave for the next 82 years. Who do we have to thank? Bentley, the DB of the century. Or, at the very least, the DB of the last 7 horrifying seasons of this stupid show.

But let's start on a (relatively) positive note first. Tonight's episode has three dates: two one-on-ones, and one group date. The first one-on-one goes to Ben C., the NOLA-bred lawyer with a square jaw and a knack at speaking too much and too fast. He's a self-proclaimed dancer, so Ashley capitalizes on that and takes him to a dance studio to teach him a special routine. After the rehearsal, the lovebirds go to the mall (duh, how romantic) to enjoy an outdoor picnic and an impromptu (SURPRISE!!!) flash mob. Yes, much to Ben's surprise, his dance moves fit in perfectly with the planned flash mob which magically took place in the exact spot of the picnic he shared with Ashley. Wow. But yes, it was cute...even to my ice-cold soul. What was less cute was the verbal diarrhea that spewed from Ben's mouth during their dinner later that night. He was intense and very forthcoming about his hopes and dreams about finding love. So intense, in fact, that Ashley couldn't get a word in edgewise. But, after a few incredibly awkward and tongue-less kisses, Ben gets a rose and stays around until next episode. Hmmm...does she really like him?

The next date is the group date...but first the masked guy--whose name is Jeff, apparently--reveals his face to Ashley. They share a special five minutes out back before they head on the group date, during which Jeff confesses his feelings (what?!?!) for Ashley, and takes of his rubber mask. While I secretly hoped the mask would reveal a face broken out from two weeks behind a mask, all it revealed was a big nose. Wah wah...But, upon revealing his face, Jeff blessed us with this special quote: "Hi, I'm Jeff." Profound, indeed. Much like the size of his schnoz.

The group date...er disaster...is a roast of Ashley at a Sunset Strip comedy club hosted by some comedian named Jeffrey Ross, who I was supposed to know. Let's just say the roast was an utter disaster. Each and every guy (Ben F., Blake, Jeff, Chris, Lucas, Ryan, William and Bentley) embarrassed themselves with bad humor. They also embarrassed Ashley by continually pointing out her small boobs and the fact she wasn't Emily from last season's Bachelor. William, in particular, went a bit over the line and actually made Ashley cry after he referred to her by saying "one man's trash is another man's treasure." Wow...first you didn't go to college and next you say that? Not cool, Cell Phone Salesman, not cool at all. Luckily, Bentley swoops in to comfort her during her teary outbreak by saying that at least 24 out of the 25 guys were happy it was Ashley instead of Emily. For those of you out of the loop, the intended inference was that he was the one outstanding dude who hoped it was Emily upon hearing about the next Bachelorette. Such a nice guy...

William and Ashley talk next, and William apologizes profusely for his mean words. He says that he thinks he should leave because his words were inexcusable (true) and then he goes for a deep and thoughtful walk alone through the sketchy streets of Hollywood. After their talk, Ashley is comforted by some nice guys...namely Jeff (mask) who tells her about his three-legged dog. Um, bad timing, Jeff. And why didn't Ashley stop William from leaving?!? I mean, he was totally mean, but we all love him and so does she.

Next, after being beaten down by the dudes, Ashley feels empowered to call Bentley out on his supposed bad intentions for coming on the show. First off, this fool of a woman is fully in love with Bentley after like three days of knowing him. But she tells him that Michelle Money (pictured below...BOOM) told her that he was not on the show for the right reasons and that he intended to promote his business and leave after a couple weeks. I have a couple things to mention here:

1) This Michelle Money is Crazy from last season. Remember, she was from Salt Lake too? Hair dresser with a daughter named Brielle? Amazing. Michelle Money is, quite literally, money.
2) I love how Trash knows Trash, and Michelle and Bentley are somehow linked very closely. Amazing! Were they married? Do they just come from the same trashy block?



After Ashley confronts Bentley, he stammers and stutters and bit, but somehow discredits Michelle and assures Ashley that he's there for the right reasons. Right...

But, Ashley gives the rose to Ryan P. who comforted her nicely during some one-on-one time.

The next one-on-one with J.P. (yay!) is next, but first, Bentley (who has decided he will leave the show upon waking up) steals the spotlight once again. Is he leaving because he's not attracted to the "ugly duckling" (his words) that is Ashley, or because he isn't an actor and can't keep his BS story going. So, to take his final bow, he visits Ashley during the day to tell her he's leaving the show because he "misses his daughter." What he really means by that is "I'm gonna make her (Ashley) cry...and I hope my hair looks good." Actual words, people! Bentley (remember this guy is a father of a young girl) uses his daughter as BS fodder for baiting Ashley into believing that, although he's fallen for her, he can't go on without his poor daughter who desperately misses her father. Poor daughter is right! This child is the seed of the Worst Version of the Male Specimen, and she's being dragged into this mess because of her DB father. Ashley, upon hearing the news of his intended departure, is overcome with grief as she says through sobs, "Your daughter has your heart, but you have mine." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? IS SHE SERIOUS?!? I can't. Oh but wait...Bentley, milking her for all she's worth, basically tries to bone her by saying he wants to keep the "dot dot dot" (...) with her. "A dot dot dot is better than just a period." Wow. Fortunately, Ashely and Bentley say goodbye without boning. Worst. Bachelor. Ever. Literally.

That night, poor JP has his date with Ashley, who is a washed-up mess after her day of drama. She proves this by acting insecure with him. Their date is a boring date at Ashley's house, and poor JP is forced to drink wine with her in their PJs. Ashley even comes out busted in her nighttime glasses...but JP proves he is as cute as he looks by laying a hot-ass kiss on her. He may have moved up in the rankings...big time...and he gets a rose. Ben C. should take a cue on how to kiss a woman.

At the rose ceremony...oh wait, there isn't one because Ashley is too spent to deal with it. So after Chris basically convinces her (without saying it) that Bentley is a douche, she makes her choices.

Roses go to:
1) Ben C.
2) Ryan P.
3) JP
4) Constantine
5) West
6) Mickey
7) Ben F.
8) Blake
9) Nick
10) Ames
11) Lucas
12) Wiliam

Adios to Mask..er...Jeff and Chris. Bet Mask is kicking himself now.

Awards:
1) DB: Bentley
2) Father of the Year: Bentley
3) Quote: "A dot dot dot is better than just a period." -Bentley
4) Frontrunner: JP, with William close behind (even though he has his tail between his legs).

Until next week,
Mike

Happy Memorial Day!

Happy Memorial Day! I hope you all nursed your veteran-earned hangovers nicely on your day off. I know I did! ("Bridesmaids"...go see it!) My liver is slowly expanding back to its pre-weekend functionality, although I'm imbibing a little vino to deal with this show at the moment. So here goes...

Episode two and we're already in Vegas? Travel budget is back, baby! I mean, it's just dirty Vegas, but this could mean good things for our worldly travels this season. So yay for that. Boo for dead family members :( But I'll get to that.

Tonight we have three dates: two one-on-ones; and one group date (and by group, I mean 12-on-one). Ouch. But first...BAM!



Yup, don't worry about it. One of my minions snapped this bad boy of Ben C. in New Orleans this weekend. What does this mean? Not sure, besides the fact that he has a rockin' bod and he's groping pool bodies over a holiday weekend without Ashley. Did he get the boot?

Back to the show, the first one-on-one goes to William, the cell phone salesman from Ohio. Ashley picks him up in her (ABC's) Maserati. Glad to see nothing's changed, what with contestants driving impossible-to-own cars and acting like it's normal. Continuing on the "nothing's changed" theme, the lovers are whisked away on a private jet to Vegas where the date starts off rather oddly. Like a cake tasting followed by choosing rings followed by a mock wedding in which William actually says "I do." Poor guy. It's like "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds," but she didn't lose him, and William played along. Luckily, the date turns around quickly as the lovers have a private dinner in the middle of the fountain lake at the Bellagio. Most of you are thinking, "Oh, how romantic!" I'm thinking, "What if he had to pee during dinner?" At dinner on the water, Ashley finds out about William's passed away alcoholic dad and the fact he didn't go to college. Clearly, I'm concerned about the lack of a degree, but she was unfazed. She was also touched by his honesty about his dad, which was made more poignant about the fact that he wears a watch eternally set to the time of Dad's death. But enough about that...William is certifiably cute and his dimples don't lie. She fully likes him and admits he's a frontrunner. Clearly he gets a rose. Go Midwest! But not if you're an Ohio State fan (an Ohio State fan with a crooked coach).

Date two is the dreaded 12-on-one. Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt and Ames head to Vegas and are immediately thrown in the fire. They meet Jabberwocky, the "nation's best dance troupe," and are split into two teams to compete for more time with Ashley and a chance to star in that night's performance. The teams--The Best Men and No Rhythm Nation--go head to head in poorly-self-choreographed dances. No Rhythm Nation win the competition and the Best Men are sent home. Nothing like an eight-hour trip to Vegas (although I'm sure there have been many shorter and more tragic trips in Vegas's illustrious history...I'm sure Britney's met and married someone there in fewer hours than it took these dudes to lose a dance contest). So the six winners get to stay a few more hours, and a few of the guys take advantage of the time. West tells her about his deceased wife, Bentley pretends that he likes her, and Blake ensures she knows that he's a Type A dentist. More on Bentley: is this guy the next (and worse) Wes? He just might be. Especially after he drops these gems: "I'd like her t*ts on my chest," and "She's not my type," and "Can we bag this and go play blackjack?" (after he got the rose!). He also essentially had her eating out of his hands and begging him to stay on the show even though he has a daughter. Eww...hated him. But yeah, he gets the rose. And he acts like this on camera with a daughter at home?

The next one-on-one is decided by a coin toss. Seeing as this show is full of platitudes, we had to play in a Vegas-themed date in...Vegas. On one side of the coin is Mickey, the pretty Chef from Ohio; on the other side is J.P. the construction guy from New York. Mickey wins the toss and heads to Vegas for a coin-filled date. Like every detail is decided by a coin toss, even the rose. Overall, the date was pretty uneventful. I think he might be secretly (or obviously) boring. But, again, he has a dead family member (Mom), so there was a touching moment in the date. The date ends with a private "beachside" concert by Colbie Caillat, he gets a rose (via coin toss) and it's over after a kiss.

At the rose ceremony, the boys are hungry for some attention. First off is J.P., who cutely tosses a coin to get a kiss, and he wins. He's actually cute and funny and maybe normal, so we like him. A few more highlights: The Masked Dude (do we even know his name?) almost takes off his mask before being interrupted; William annoys the other guys by gloating; and Bentley makes us hate him even more by making Ashley look stupid and just staying around to make out with her fully knowing he's not attracted to her and doesn't want to stay around, but will do so regardless, just for the sake of competition. I honestly feel bad for Ashley for what's coming, but you can't say she wasn't warned. I mean, who believes that a guy is a good guy after being blatantly told that he's on the show for the wrong reasons? In addition, how does the casting team sleep at night? And why do we watch this show?

So, roses go to:
1) William
2) Bentley
3) Mickey
4) West
5) Constantine
6) Ryan P.
7) Ben C. (see pool pic above)
8) Nick
9) Ames
10) Lucas
11) Jeff
12) J.P.
13) Chris
14) Ben F.
15) Blake

Byeee: Stephen; Matt; Ryan M. Too early in the season for us to care about you. Sorry.

Awards:
1) Best quote: "I'd like her t*ts on my chest." -Bently (the one with a daughter at home, in case you'd forgotten)
2) Villain: Bentley
3) Cute but Boring: Mickey
4) Most dead relatives: this season.
5) Frontrunner: William

Until next week,
Mike

And we're off

Lovers, Frenemies, Former Lovers and Friends,

And we're off. The Bachelorette Season 82 has begun, and it started with a bang. By bang, I mean Ashley's bangin' new bod, new hair, new nose, and new dance moves. Hit me baby one more time? Yes, please. Who knew four months off TV could do so much? In the day and age of The Biggest Loser, we all knew it was possible...but it's still fun to poke fun at Ashley's endless repertoire of midriffs and belly shirts. Amazing. She's definitely in the running for America's Hottest Dental Student. And she's running against no one.

But on to the meat. The 25 bachelors arrive one by one, but not before the montage of the eight guys who are bound to be contenders for the final rose: Ryan P.; JP; Ames; Ben C.; Ben F; Bentley; West; and William. Talk about a season of drama. Among these eight guys, we have two dead dads, a dead wife, two douche bags, a daughter named Cozy, and a wristwatch eternally set to the time of a dad's death. Awesome. Count me in! In addition, count me in for my first season blogged from my new home, Austin, TX. Don't worry...they still have wine here, so I'll be happily fueled. I'm also happily surrounded by some witty fools and our watching parties are in full swing! Yay for Texas (and wine)!

In Ashley's first sit down with Chris Harrison, she confesses that she hopes she doesn't let the guys down (even though she's no longer insecure). Sure Ashley, keep telling yourself that. Ashley also tells Chris that she was called the week prior to taping and told by an anonymous source (i.e. a friend of Bentley's ex-wife's) that Bentley is not on the show for the right reasons. Amazing. He's also the father of the previously-mentioned Cozy, so we're not sure if he's ever thinking coherently. But time will tell...and due to poor editing, it looks like we're in for an awful lot of time with Bentley on the show. Way to go, ABC.

But back to the arrival of the 25 dudes. Without mentioning all 25 dudes by name, I'll try to cover some highlights (and lowlights).
-Ryan P. arrives and he's cute.
-Mickey goes in for a kiss upon meeting Ashley, only to be fully rebuffed and embarrassed.
-Stephen, this year's gay, is a hair stylist. Unfortunately his hair speaks otherwise.
-West, one of this year's guys with a death in his past, gives her a compass eternally aimed west. Barf. (Dead wife.)
-Ben F. (Dead dad) Great arrival with a bottle of his own wine. He's a "wine maker." And also an online marketer. And also a student. And also Josh Groban's doppelganger. Dude's got a lot going on.
-Anthony, the epitome of a Jersey guido is just that. He's also a butcher. Even better.
-Matt, the paper salesman, will be hereafter known as "Dunder Mifflin." I love the word hereafter.
-Jeff is wearing a mask. Enough said.
-Mike is dressed like Pee Wee.
-Chris, complete with frosted tips and pinstripes, is from Canada and he's got an accent to match. Did someone forget to tell him his country isn't real?
-Nick, the Matthew McConaughey look-alike, is from Trampa. Because we always need a contender from Tampa.
-Blake is a dentist.

So after the boys are introduced, and Ashley changes her wet dress (after standing on the hosed-down driveway for three hours), we get to really meet the guys. Ben C. pulls a "Love Actually" and woos Ashely with cue cards and a foreign pedigree. William, while cute, wears a virtually iridescent shirt. He also has an alcoholic dead dad, so we'll pretend we're okay that he bought his shirt on the sale rack at TJ Maxx in Columbus, OH. Ashley tells JP she's always wanted to be called "Cupcake" (and we all vomit on cue). Bentley fully evades the blatant bait from Ashley giving him the opportunity to confess that he's there for the wrong reasons. Like anyone would...but still. And finally, Tim, the liquor distributor from Long Island, essentially blacks out after drinking all the liquor distributed at the event. Yikes...and the guy is 35. It's time to pull it together, buddy. So Ashley sends him home. Is he perhaps the drunkest contestant ever? Maybe. Was that also the worst snore dub in TV history? Yes.

The coveted First Impression Rose (FIR) goes to: Ryan P. We're unsurprised. He's cute, he's an entrepreneur, and he's Green (solar power), so he's very en vogue. He's like the equivalent of locally-raised, hormone-free, grass-fed beef. Everyone loves him, and they feel good about loving him. What's not to love?

So the 18 survivors of Night One are (18, really?!? Ugh...):
1) Ryan P.
2) Constantine
3) Jeff
4) Ben F.
5) Lucas
6) Stephen
7) Matt/Dunder Mifflin
8) Nick
9) Chris D.
10) Ryan M.
11) Blake
12) Mickey
13) Ben C.
14) West
15) Wiliam
16) JP
17) Ames (the ogre)
18) Bentley

Byeeeee: Tim (Drunky); Jon (This season's first tears! Really?? A cocktail for two hours and tears?!? In addition, let me remind you that you're a dude.); Chris; Mike; Ryan; Rob; Anthony

Tonight's Awards:
1) Best Job Title: William's. Cell Phone Salesman. Way to aim high.
2) Douchebag Alert: Ames. Your Ivy-League pedigree and ogre-like face are a recipe for douchebaggery. Can't wait!
3) Villain: Bentley. We're on to you. Even though you're hot.
4) Worst Dressed: Mike/Pee Wee. Just say no to grey suits with red ties.
5) Hottest: Ryan P.
6) Frontrunner: Ryan P., with JP closely on his tails.

Until next week,
Mike

Only Two Weeks Until Disaster: Iteration 82

I can't believe that in just over two weeks, I'll be bound to my couch each Monday evening in order to watch The Worst Show on Television just to please you, my loyal readers. But I will do just that, for you. And because I'm famous.

So stay tuned. Show starts May 23. Get ready for drama.

Bromack update: I've only seen him once since arriving to Austin. I can't wait to meet him and have him want to punch me. Awesome.

Move over Bromack, there's a new blond in town

Friends, lovers and fanatical fans,

If you haven't seen the cover of New York to Austin Monthly you're a little late to the party. Why? Because this Bachelor blogger is moving to Texas. (Cue jaw-dropping screams, coffee-spilling gesticulations, and guttural-sounding guffaws heard 'round the world.) So move over Brad Womack, because I'm about to live two streets away from you and your soon-to-be-failed relationship.

Be scared. Be very scared. Why? Because I'm famous.

While my sunny, Yankee disposition and cunning smile may fool you, I'm taking notes in the unlimited paper trail that is my head. I'll see you in your bars, on the street, on the running and trail and in the gym. So much as even try to kiss me another girl, and, well, let's just say this blog has more than 82 readers.

Looking forward to a boot-scootin' good time, Bromack :)

Until next season,

Mike

And the next Bachelorette is...

...Ashley H. It was revealed on Jimmy Kimmel last night. Surprise! Kidding. Obviously it would be her.

She graduates from U. Penn Dental School in May, and the show premieres May 23. While I'm confused about how one can simultaneously film and star in the Worst Show on Television and graduate with a 3.96 GPA from dental school, I've chosen not to worry about it.

Get ready for 12 episodes of tears. And I predict at least one practice dental exam date.