To bone, or not to bone? That is the question. It’s Fantasy Date Night, and we’re in Barbados! I’m secretly annoyed that ABC has chosen to host all three Fantasy Dates in the same location, but I understand that we are in lean financial times, and the Hilton Barbados simply must do for now. But honestly? Ain’t nothing Fantasy-like about an American chain hotel. Just sayin’…
Before the first date begins, ABC tries to fool us a bit by playing clips of the girls debating whether or not to bone Matt in the Fantasy Suite. I mean, honestly. We’re in season 82. We know that no one EVER refuses the chance to bone the bachelor. So stop toying with our emotions, and get to the dates already—which is exactly what I’ll do.
Shayne joins Matt on the beach for the beginning of Date One. I love how Matt is wearing full-length khakis while walking in the water. It’s all just a bit awkward to me. Hello? Poorly-paid wardrobe assistant? Where were you when his pants needed rolling? He was soaked and no one took care of him! Again, must be budget cuts…
Shayne is excited to be with Matt for their “first time out of the U.S.A.” Excuse me? Who says “U.S.A.”? It’s the “U.S.” or the “States,” or, if you’re feeling particularly nationalistic, “the country.” But it’s Shayne, and she’s dumb, so we forgive her.
The lovebirds then jet ski around the ocean while Shayne wears the most bizarre swimsuit I’ve ever seen. Since she’s of the portly variety, she clearly doesn’t want to bare skin (can you imagine how that could affect her “acting career?”). Thus, she chooses to sport some sort of 20s pin-up girl swimsuit/wrestling uniform, and looks like a goon.
After a fun day in the sun, Matt and Shayne have a romantic dinner during which Shayne teaches Matt how to kiss on-screen, like actors do. I love how she pretends like she knows. Please…this is her biggest acting gig to date. Shayne tells Matt, “I love being blonde, I’ve been blonde since I was, like, 12.” Amazing. Matt tells her that she’s his “little monkey.” After vomiting, I continue watching. Shayne lets it all out with the bomb: “I’m falling in love with you.” Matt responds with, “I’m falling for you too.” Notice the lack of “love.” Oops.
Matt “surprises” Shayne with the Fantasy Suit card from Chris Harrison, Shayne reads it aloud like a first grader sounding out her first multi-syllabic words, and the inevitable pool scene/champagne/bonefest ensues.
The next day, Amanda and Matt zip-line through the forests of Barbados. He calls her “honey,” she says “like” every five seconds. It’s really dreamy. It’s easy to notice the lack of chemistry here as everything just feels so forced. Amanda is guarded, Matt is more natural; it’s all rather forced. And I literally can’t stand listening to her talk. She’s an idiot. I really have nothing more to say. She fakes herself into wanting to fall in love with him, but anyone who acts like that is moronic if they consider that behavior “loving.”
The last date reunites another guarded one with her lover. Chelsea comes to the date with tons of baggage and it’s super awkward. What could have been a romantic day on a catamaran and swimming with wildlife turns into hours of awkward silence. Matt tries to coax Chelsea into opening up, Chelsea evades him, Matt falls in love with a turtle instead. (For those not familiar, they swam with sea turtles, and the turtles paid more attention to Matt than Chelsea did.) He’s totally upset about it, and not convinced that it’s even worth having dinner.
But, thanks to good editing, dinner was a hit! Chelsea opened up about her feelings for Matt, she confides in him her fears of being hurt, and she’s finally cute with him. Matt is so clearly in to her, and he’s super relieved. It was almost as if Matt was courting Chelsea on this date, as opposed to Chelsea trying to win his heart. You can tell he likes her.
During dinner, though, Matt may have crossed the line a bit with his honesty. He tells her that he’s more in to her than the other girls. Oops. They go to the Fantasy Suite, and she has a surprise for Matt. She slips into something more comfortable (literally, she puts on some lingerie), ABC gratuitously shows her remove her underwear, and they bone. Or at least they wanted to.
At the rose ceremony, Matt, seemingly distraught, chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Chelsea
And he sends Amanda packing. The goodbye was rather painful as Amanda was 100% pissed. She talks too much, continues saying “like” every five seconds, and just gets mad. I’m sure this made it all the easier for Matt to say goodbye, because she was plain annoying. “I’m, like, shocked right now…like…”
Awards:
1) Best couple: Chelsea and Matt
2) Dark horse: Chelsea
3) Going too far award: Matt. Simmer down on your honesty! Who wants an honest, open bachelor?
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Lip-smacking goodness
So love still sucks. But we all move on, right?
This week’s episode always promises to be among the best of the season. Meeting the parents is always a big deal, and you never know what those crazies will throw at you. This season’s “hometown dates” episode provided ample opportunity to laugh at the idiocy that is humanity…so without further delay, I should go ahead and do that right now.
Our first hometown date keeps us right in the Southern California sun as we get to meet Shayne’s parents. Before I begin ripping them apart (just like their plastic surgeons do), I would like to thank Shayne’s parents for epitomizing everything everyone loathes about LA. They were plastic perfection, and I loved it! Oh, I’d also like to thank them for single-handedly keeping the plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills in business. But more on that later. And oh, there is so much to say…
Back to business. Matt and Shayne reunite at a restaurant in LA, and are soon joined by the incredibly famous Lorenzo Lamas…Shayne’s “famous” father (poor Shayne is a product of a broken home, so we must meet the ‘rents separately). Mr. Lamas looks like her brother. And yes, he is officially 50 (thank you IMDB). He also acts like her brother by blatantly throwing her under the bus as he states, “She wants to be an actress, but she wants to be a star more.” Amazing. It was so awkward. Her parents clearly held up the ideals of LA while raising her to value everything that matters: fame, blonde hair, and…fame? Basically Shayne’s dad is the personification of a douchebag, and I love it. Total DB.
And then we meet her mother. Oh. Mah. Gahhhhhhh. I would love to know how long it takes this woman to paint her face on each morning. From the pancake, to the sharpie—I mean—lip liner, to the hot pink lipstick to cover her collagen-infested smackers, it was all too much. And then there were her lumpy boobs. She was simply a vision, if by “vision” I mean hot tranny mess. Wait, maybe her mom is actually her dad. Was that Lorenzo Lamas under all that goop and blonde? Quite possibly. Shayne’s mom will be hereafter known as Lips McGee. Nothing in Ms. McGee’s house (or body) was real, and it was all too amazing. Her little sister, Dakotah (brilly), is a Shayne-in-the-making with blonde hair and dark roots just like Mom. It was all too much. Too much, I tell you! How Matt kept his composure is beyond me. Yet clearly Matt was duped by the fumes of the dye-jobs once again, because he totally likes her! Crazy. Never underestimate the power of a good agent/manager in Hollywood! Shayne has apparently signed a season-long deal with ABC! That’ll get her career going.
The next date finds Matt in Durango, Colorado with Chelsea. Honestly, I don’t remember anything about this date except Chelsea saying, “I don’t speak British.” She’s dumb. But her family’s condo has a nice view.
Matt stays in Colorado to visit the beautiful Noelle next. He meets up with her family in Loveland and they ride via horseback to picnic with her family. It’s Mom, Dad and two sisters. Noelle starts to open up to Matt, and they seem really cute together. The family was surprisingly normal and nice, so I just don’t have much to say. I know, bizarre. Well, Noelle was strikingly cuter than her sisters. Maybe that influenced Matt’s decision…
The last date was in Tallahassee, Florida, where Matt met up with Amanda. He goes to their house to meet her “parents,” and craziness ensues. I have no idea how Matt kept it together. Here’s the deal: Amanda hired actors to impersonate her parents, and they did a hell of a job being crazy people. Their marriage was a mess, the mom was a drunk (and a groper), and it was all too fun (and horrible) to watch. At one point, Amanda’s “mom” literally strokes Matt’s chest and kisses him on the lips all while exposing her ample cleavage. It was brilliant. Just as Matt looked like he was literally going to die, Amanda tells him the truth. Honestly, it was a bit awkward, but good for a laugh. Her real parents then come in, and the date is over. Literally, I don’t even remember what they looked like. So much for their 15 minutes of fame!
At the rose ceremony, Matt chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Amanda
3) Chelsea
Honestly, I was totally surprised to see Noelle go home. Matt basically told his sisters he was falling in love with her, and then he cans her. Sad. But kudos to Noelle, she had perhaps the most dignified exit of any bachelorette ever. No tears, honest words, very sweet.
Awards:
1) Hot Tranny Mess: Shayne’s plastic mom.
2) Best plastic surgery work: the doctors who molded Shayne’s mom and dad into what they are today! I think we’ve got some DaVincis on our hands, folks!
3) Quote of the year: “The higher your hopes, the further they fall.” – Noelle’s insight into break-ups. I’m totally remembering that one.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. Major props to Peth and Pustin Jaschal for hosting the viewing last night! I love their dog ‘Ilo.
This week’s episode always promises to be among the best of the season. Meeting the parents is always a big deal, and you never know what those crazies will throw at you. This season’s “hometown dates” episode provided ample opportunity to laugh at the idiocy that is humanity…so without further delay, I should go ahead and do that right now.
Our first hometown date keeps us right in the Southern California sun as we get to meet Shayne’s parents. Before I begin ripping them apart (just like their plastic surgeons do), I would like to thank Shayne’s parents for epitomizing everything everyone loathes about LA. They were plastic perfection, and I loved it! Oh, I’d also like to thank them for single-handedly keeping the plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills in business. But more on that later. And oh, there is so much to say…
Back to business. Matt and Shayne reunite at a restaurant in LA, and are soon joined by the incredibly famous Lorenzo Lamas…Shayne’s “famous” father (poor Shayne is a product of a broken home, so we must meet the ‘rents separately). Mr. Lamas looks like her brother. And yes, he is officially 50 (thank you IMDB). He also acts like her brother by blatantly throwing her under the bus as he states, “She wants to be an actress, but she wants to be a star more.” Amazing. It was so awkward. Her parents clearly held up the ideals of LA while raising her to value everything that matters: fame, blonde hair, and…fame? Basically Shayne’s dad is the personification of a douchebag, and I love it. Total DB.
And then we meet her mother. Oh. Mah. Gahhhhhhh. I would love to know how long it takes this woman to paint her face on each morning. From the pancake, to the sharpie—I mean—lip liner, to the hot pink lipstick to cover her collagen-infested smackers, it was all too much. And then there were her lumpy boobs. She was simply a vision, if by “vision” I mean hot tranny mess. Wait, maybe her mom is actually her dad. Was that Lorenzo Lamas under all that goop and blonde? Quite possibly. Shayne’s mom will be hereafter known as Lips McGee. Nothing in Ms. McGee’s house (or body) was real, and it was all too amazing. Her little sister, Dakotah (brilly), is a Shayne-in-the-making with blonde hair and dark roots just like Mom. It was all too much. Too much, I tell you! How Matt kept his composure is beyond me. Yet clearly Matt was duped by the fumes of the dye-jobs once again, because he totally likes her! Crazy. Never underestimate the power of a good agent/manager in Hollywood! Shayne has apparently signed a season-long deal with ABC! That’ll get her career going.
The next date finds Matt in Durango, Colorado with Chelsea. Honestly, I don’t remember anything about this date except Chelsea saying, “I don’t speak British.” She’s dumb. But her family’s condo has a nice view.
Matt stays in Colorado to visit the beautiful Noelle next. He meets up with her family in Loveland and they ride via horseback to picnic with her family. It’s Mom, Dad and two sisters. Noelle starts to open up to Matt, and they seem really cute together. The family was surprisingly normal and nice, so I just don’t have much to say. I know, bizarre. Well, Noelle was strikingly cuter than her sisters. Maybe that influenced Matt’s decision…
The last date was in Tallahassee, Florida, where Matt met up with Amanda. He goes to their house to meet her “parents,” and craziness ensues. I have no idea how Matt kept it together. Here’s the deal: Amanda hired actors to impersonate her parents, and they did a hell of a job being crazy people. Their marriage was a mess, the mom was a drunk (and a groper), and it was all too fun (and horrible) to watch. At one point, Amanda’s “mom” literally strokes Matt’s chest and kisses him on the lips all while exposing her ample cleavage. It was brilliant. Just as Matt looked like he was literally going to die, Amanda tells him the truth. Honestly, it was a bit awkward, but good for a laugh. Her real parents then come in, and the date is over. Literally, I don’t even remember what they looked like. So much for their 15 minutes of fame!
At the rose ceremony, Matt chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Amanda
3) Chelsea
Honestly, I was totally surprised to see Noelle go home. Matt basically told his sisters he was falling in love with her, and then he cans her. Sad. But kudos to Noelle, she had perhaps the most dignified exit of any bachelorette ever. No tears, honest words, very sweet.
Awards:
1) Hot Tranny Mess: Shayne’s plastic mom.
2) Best plastic surgery work: the doctors who molded Shayne’s mom and dad into what they are today! I think we’ve got some DaVincis on our hands, folks!
3) Quote of the year: “The higher your hopes, the further they fall.” – Noelle’s insight into break-ups. I’m totally remembering that one.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. Major props to Peth and Pustin Jaschal for hosting the viewing last night! I love their dog ‘Ilo.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Break-ups suck...I'm just sayin'
After spending the morning in the beautiful state of New Jersey (please note hefty dose of sarcasm), I am back and ready to blog. You can thank me later.
Episode five involved a trip to Sun Valley, ID, for some skiing, skating, and sketchy behavior. Isn’t it fun that ABC has once again incorporated a travel budget? Remember last season when meeting family dates happened on set and none of the trips were fun? I do. It sucked. But thank goodness our economy is roaring and ABC is able to frivolously entertain us with fun destinations for drama.
The girls were excited to arrive to the winter wonderland, all dolled up in matching coats. Hilarious! Then everyone tackles each other, and it’s a nice moment of forced fun for us all.
The first date was a one-on-one with Chelsea. Is she affectionate? Does she have a romantic side? These were questions to which our Matthew needed answers, and he got them. Girl hates PDA, doesn’t like to hold hands, and acts like a dude. But he throws a humdinger of a line in there anyway: “My parents will love you.” Okay, not fair. Sweet nothings that hint at a future together make it hard for the scorned to get over you. Trust me…I’m not bitter. I promise. For real…everything’s fine with me. No broken heart here! Oops…sidetracked…
Anyway, Matt makes out with Chelsea anyway and she treats him to her very own “Fantasy Suite” invitation. Wait, isn’t that two episodes from now?
The next date is the group date. Amanda, Robin, Marshana and Shayne go skiing with Matt on the snowy slopes. Amanda and Marshana can’t ski, and it’s funny. Amanda is cute about it; Marshana complains. Shayne checks her makeup with skiing and Robin interrupts, a skill that she seems to have perfected. It’s all very predictable. The inevitable pool scene follows.
The last date is a one-on-one with Noelle. They skate and talk about facial injuries (apparently I’m oblivious to their shared pasts) and nothing happens. So fun!
Meanwhile, back at the manse…Marshana pulls out her attitude card and cashes that baby in! She calls out the other hoes when they accuse her of being negative. It was definitely the “most dramatic encounter ever.” Again, please note sarcasm. I just love Chris Harrison and his platitudes.
The pre-rose ceremony is pretty predictable as well. Marshana complains to Matt about how the girls picked on her, Chelsea interrupts and they awkwardly kiss, Robin is annoying, blah blah blah.
And then, the “most dramatic rose ceremony ever.”
1) Shayne
2) Noelle
3) Chelsea
4) Amanda
Adios to Robin and Marshana. We knew they wouldn’t last, although I’m bummed America can’t see Holland, MI next week on TV. Y’all would have loved the windmills and tulips and overall Dutch-ness of it all! The hometown visit could have caused a worldwide craze for wooden shoes, but we’ll have to wait for something else to do that. Like me.
Awards:
1) Most drama: Marshana
2) Spoiler of everything: Robin
3) Rupaul look-alike: Marshana. Tell me you agree!
Until next week,
Mike
Episode five involved a trip to Sun Valley, ID, for some skiing, skating, and sketchy behavior. Isn’t it fun that ABC has once again incorporated a travel budget? Remember last season when meeting family dates happened on set and none of the trips were fun? I do. It sucked. But thank goodness our economy is roaring and ABC is able to frivolously entertain us with fun destinations for drama.
The girls were excited to arrive to the winter wonderland, all dolled up in matching coats. Hilarious! Then everyone tackles each other, and it’s a nice moment of forced fun for us all.
The first date was a one-on-one with Chelsea. Is she affectionate? Does she have a romantic side? These were questions to which our Matthew needed answers, and he got them. Girl hates PDA, doesn’t like to hold hands, and acts like a dude. But he throws a humdinger of a line in there anyway: “My parents will love you.” Okay, not fair. Sweet nothings that hint at a future together make it hard for the scorned to get over you. Trust me…I’m not bitter. I promise. For real…everything’s fine with me. No broken heart here! Oops…sidetracked…
Anyway, Matt makes out with Chelsea anyway and she treats him to her very own “Fantasy Suite” invitation. Wait, isn’t that two episodes from now?
The next date is the group date. Amanda, Robin, Marshana and Shayne go skiing with Matt on the snowy slopes. Amanda and Marshana can’t ski, and it’s funny. Amanda is cute about it; Marshana complains. Shayne checks her makeup with skiing and Robin interrupts, a skill that she seems to have perfected. It’s all very predictable. The inevitable pool scene follows.
The last date is a one-on-one with Noelle. They skate and talk about facial injuries (apparently I’m oblivious to their shared pasts) and nothing happens. So fun!
Meanwhile, back at the manse…Marshana pulls out her attitude card and cashes that baby in! She calls out the other hoes when they accuse her of being negative. It was definitely the “most dramatic encounter ever.” Again, please note sarcasm. I just love Chris Harrison and his platitudes.
The pre-rose ceremony is pretty predictable as well. Marshana complains to Matt about how the girls picked on her, Chelsea interrupts and they awkwardly kiss, Robin is annoying, blah blah blah.
And then, the “most dramatic rose ceremony ever.”
1) Shayne
2) Noelle
3) Chelsea
4) Amanda
Adios to Robin and Marshana. We knew they wouldn’t last, although I’m bummed America can’t see Holland, MI next week on TV. Y’all would have loved the windmills and tulips and overall Dutch-ness of it all! The hometown visit could have caused a worldwide craze for wooden shoes, but we’ll have to wait for something else to do that. Like me.
Awards:
1) Most drama: Marshana
2) Spoiler of everything: Robin
3) Rupaul look-alike: Marshana. Tell me you agree!
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Guest Bloggers!!
As I inevitably do once a season, I have let you down this week. I could not watch the show last night. Get over it.
But...we have guest bloggers!! Two devoted Bachelorites took it upon themselves to blog the show last night in my absence. Let me introduce you all to Chikki Nabre, and Webe Apgar Philliams!
Part One: by Chikki Nabre. It comes in two parts. Her insights are highly-valued and astute and submitted via Blackberry device; hence the short quips.
Part One.
A. Seriously what's with the singing? Do they think that this is American idol? Don't they know it's America's top slut?
B. Ashlee may be the dumbest girl ever. Her laugh is ridiculous.
C. Wait is Amanda normal? I'm confused. I didn't think that they let normal people on this show?D. Pick me pick me pick me. Wait what? Seriously. Are you really that insecure and scary? Dude it's like week 4. Get it together.
Part Deux.
Ok Matt and Holly have an awesome connection and she's sweet but don't really think that she's the one who is going to "ask the difficult questions"
Wait what? He chose Marshana? Did not see that coming! But it kind of makes me like him more. She's super nice and sweet but not all that smart.
Wait he asks real smart questions. I like it.
Noelle seems like she's normal. I wonder if she is the sleeper crier / freak out girl.
Kelly is a drunk. And ps. He'll meet another girl like you. It's called last call at the dive bar.
Ok we know who the 2 are I think. Kelly the drunk and Ashlee our naïve hillbilly.Like his good strong handshake.
Ok wait I might be crushing on him. Ps. Kelly you're not the best. Hate to be the one to break it to you.
Sad Ashlee I feel like I am in a bad high school mini series. She wrote him a song. How could he not choose her?! :)
And to introduce our second guest blogger, Webe Apgar Philliams.
I can recap the Bachelor for you (please note it was the first episode I watched, so some of these observations will fall into the Captain Obvious category):
Our British Bachelor is beginning to understand that when he asked for 22-year-old hotties, he opened himself up to receiving some of the greenest, dumbest, most un-worldly lasses ever to hit the bachelor stage, but his attempts to "roll with it" range from the touching to the nauseating. My favorite parts were him explaining the meaning of the terms "a good sport" and "taking things in stride" to our American hot messes -- clearly very advanced turns of phrase with which only the most high-born European nobles are familiar.
A lot of other boring crap happened, including him not being able to dance, the brunette Robin being hated by all, and the girls attempting to impress him with their knowledge of tea and how long they can do handstands.
He booted the warbly singer chick Ashlee and the party girl who he basically accused of being a lesbian (Kelly) , as well as one of the vapid blondes (possibly Holly). This season is a train wreck and I am so much dumber for having watched it.
---
Okay, back to me. there you have it folks, two amazing bloggers!!
We're down to six hoes:
Amanda
Chelsea
Marshana
Noelle
Robin
Shayne
May the best trainwreck win!
Until next week,
Mike
But...we have guest bloggers!! Two devoted Bachelorites took it upon themselves to blog the show last night in my absence. Let me introduce you all to Chikki Nabre, and Webe Apgar Philliams!
Part One: by Chikki Nabre. It comes in two parts. Her insights are highly-valued and astute and submitted via Blackberry device; hence the short quips.
Part One.
A. Seriously what's with the singing? Do they think that this is American idol? Don't they know it's America's top slut?
B. Ashlee may be the dumbest girl ever. Her laugh is ridiculous.
C. Wait is Amanda normal? I'm confused. I didn't think that they let normal people on this show?D. Pick me pick me pick me. Wait what? Seriously. Are you really that insecure and scary? Dude it's like week 4. Get it together.
Part Deux.
Ok Matt and Holly have an awesome connection and she's sweet but don't really think that she's the one who is going to "ask the difficult questions"
Wait what? He chose Marshana? Did not see that coming! But it kind of makes me like him more. She's super nice and sweet but not all that smart.
Wait he asks real smart questions. I like it.
Noelle seems like she's normal. I wonder if she is the sleeper crier / freak out girl.
Kelly is a drunk. And ps. He'll meet another girl like you. It's called last call at the dive bar.
Ok we know who the 2 are I think. Kelly the drunk and Ashlee our naïve hillbilly.Like his good strong handshake.
Ok wait I might be crushing on him. Ps. Kelly you're not the best. Hate to be the one to break it to you.
Sad Ashlee I feel like I am in a bad high school mini series. She wrote him a song. How could he not choose her?! :)
And to introduce our second guest blogger, Webe Apgar Philliams.
I can recap the Bachelor for you (please note it was the first episode I watched, so some of these observations will fall into the Captain Obvious category):
Our British Bachelor is beginning to understand that when he asked for 22-year-old hotties, he opened himself up to receiving some of the greenest, dumbest, most un-worldly lasses ever to hit the bachelor stage, but his attempts to "roll with it" range from the touching to the nauseating. My favorite parts were him explaining the meaning of the terms "a good sport" and "taking things in stride" to our American hot messes -- clearly very advanced turns of phrase with which only the most high-born European nobles are familiar.
A lot of other boring crap happened, including him not being able to dance, the brunette Robin being hated by all, and the girls attempting to impress him with their knowledge of tea and how long they can do handstands.
He booted the warbly singer chick Ashlee and the party girl who he basically accused of being a lesbian (Kelly) , as well as one of the vapid blondes (possibly Holly). This season is a train wreck and I am so much dumber for having watched it.
---
Okay, back to me. there you have it folks, two amazing bloggers!!
We're down to six hoes:
Amanda
Chelsea
Marshana
Noelle
Robin
Shayne
May the best trainwreck win!
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Down to 9
This episode offered many firsts of the season: the first hot tub scene; the first shirtless shot; the first staged movie premiere, you get the picture. There wasn’t too much drama last night, but we all had fun drinking wine and mocking everyone on TV all the same, didn’t we? Or was that just me?
In order to narrow the field of b*tches contending for Matt’s love, there were two one-on-one dates and one group date last night. The lucky winner of one-on-one date number one (wow, lots of “ones” in that sentence) was Holly, the perky blonde who writes children’s books. After the first episode in which she sported unnecessarily perky boobs, I’m starting to like her more. In fact, she seems quite cute and normal, with “normal” being an incredibly relative term here. The date found them at the “premiere” of the movie that apparently sponsored this episode of the Bachelor, “Made of Honor,” starring the very lovable Patrick Dempsey. Gotta love the marketing/advertising world! Sadly, said premiere was an event staged entirely by the show’s producers, complete with hired paparazzi, a fake red carpet, and TV hosts interviewing the premiere’s only attendees: Matt and Holly. It was amazingly embarrassing for me to watch, but whatever. They dipped their paws in cement and wrote cute things like “Matt + Holly” and other silliness. Then they went into the theatre and watched the movie alone while being filmed. Who wants to watch a movie with a big camera light in your face? “Not me,” says the handsome gentleman typing up this blog.
After the movie, the lovebirds go to the Roosevelt Hotel to imbibe, to take a hot tub (we could have used more of Matt’s bod, thankyouverymuch), and to make out a bit. It was all pretty cute, and Matt is clearly a good kisser. Here’s my note: Matt, get over yourself and show us your body. We realize you’re not a triathlete like the previous Officer and a Gentleman, but we’re fine with your somewhat doughy British bod. I mean, that’s what we signed up for, right? We get that you like a crumpet now and then…so just let us see! Matt ends the date by giving Holly a rose, and she’s happy as can be.
The second date brings a bunch of ladies together for a game of “football,” or as we employees of a certain all-American fashion company like to call it, Rugby. The gals looked cute all sported up in their rugby shirts and requisite booty shorts. And as we know, no season of the Bachelor would be complete without the Injury of the Season. Thus, Marshana bit the bullet and bit her lip for the camera so as to fool us into thinking there was really going to be some sort of emergency this episode. Barf. I must say, some girls looked hot in their sporty gear. Noelle, for instance, looked like supermodel, and I loved her. Kinda wanted to make out with her, in fact. I’m not kidding. Legitimate girl crush right here folks.
After the game we had the inevitable massages and fighting for one-on-one time. Robin won that battle as she was given the rose, and Kelly, the massaging drunk, was annoyed.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, crazy Shayne and Holly bond over spray tans. Okay, Holly’s stock went down just a touch when she admitted that she brought her own spray tanner. I’m sorry, what? Who owns a professional-grade spray tanner? And what does one do with a spray tanner all alone? Thoroughly confused…
Lastly, we have the second one-on-one date on which Shayne joins Matt in a hot car and they go wine tasting. Let me start with the outfit. She tramps it up in a little black dress paired with heinous, let me repeat, heinous, white boots. She looked like a street walker a la “Pretty Woman,” and girlfriend can’t compete with Julia Roberts. Thus, she resembled a legitimate ho from Hollywood Boulevard. Then she jumps into defending her career and family once again, trying to play off that her dad really isn’t famous, and he’s just “normal.” Well, clearly he’s normal, since I’ve never heard of him and he’s a big fat flop. Um, Shayne? Your famous dad isn’t famous. Newsflash. He was on “Renegade” for God’s sake. When did that air, 1982? The rest of the date goes as planned until Matt pretends like he actually likes her, and gives her a rose. This is insanity. Does he really like her? I think not. He treats her like a child, which she is, and that does not a marriage make.
Matt arrives at the rose ceremony in a nice brown/pink suit combo, looking like a dapper Brit. The hoes go at each other in typical fashion, and at the end of it, we’re left with nine.
1) Holly
2) Robin
3) Shayne
4) Amanda
5) Ashlee
6) Kelly
7) Chelsea
8) Noelle
9) Marshana (Making major strides, people! This is a record! Our world is changing!)
We wave goodbye to: Erin S., Amy, and Kristine. Wait, who remembered Amy and Kristine? I didn’t even recognize them. We wish Erin the best of luck in her continued quest to sell tasty hot dogs.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Supermodel: Noelle
2) House Drunk: Kelly. Has she ever uttered a sober word since arriving?
3) One Sandwich Short of a Picnic: Shayne. Kudos to Matt for that saying.
4) Most “real” bachelor ever: Matt. Love his sincerity. Too fun.
Until next week,
Mike
In order to narrow the field of b*tches contending for Matt’s love, there were two one-on-one dates and one group date last night. The lucky winner of one-on-one date number one (wow, lots of “ones” in that sentence) was Holly, the perky blonde who writes children’s books. After the first episode in which she sported unnecessarily perky boobs, I’m starting to like her more. In fact, she seems quite cute and normal, with “normal” being an incredibly relative term here. The date found them at the “premiere” of the movie that apparently sponsored this episode of the Bachelor, “Made of Honor,” starring the very lovable Patrick Dempsey. Gotta love the marketing/advertising world! Sadly, said premiere was an event staged entirely by the show’s producers, complete with hired paparazzi, a fake red carpet, and TV hosts interviewing the premiere’s only attendees: Matt and Holly. It was amazingly embarrassing for me to watch, but whatever. They dipped their paws in cement and wrote cute things like “Matt + Holly” and other silliness. Then they went into the theatre and watched the movie alone while being filmed. Who wants to watch a movie with a big camera light in your face? “Not me,” says the handsome gentleman typing up this blog.
After the movie, the lovebirds go to the Roosevelt Hotel to imbibe, to take a hot tub (we could have used more of Matt’s bod, thankyouverymuch), and to make out a bit. It was all pretty cute, and Matt is clearly a good kisser. Here’s my note: Matt, get over yourself and show us your body. We realize you’re not a triathlete like the previous Officer and a Gentleman, but we’re fine with your somewhat doughy British bod. I mean, that’s what we signed up for, right? We get that you like a crumpet now and then…so just let us see! Matt ends the date by giving Holly a rose, and she’s happy as can be.
The second date brings a bunch of ladies together for a game of “football,” or as we employees of a certain all-American fashion company like to call it, Rugby. The gals looked cute all sported up in their rugby shirts and requisite booty shorts. And as we know, no season of the Bachelor would be complete without the Injury of the Season. Thus, Marshana bit the bullet and bit her lip for the camera so as to fool us into thinking there was really going to be some sort of emergency this episode. Barf. I must say, some girls looked hot in their sporty gear. Noelle, for instance, looked like supermodel, and I loved her. Kinda wanted to make out with her, in fact. I’m not kidding. Legitimate girl crush right here folks.
After the game we had the inevitable massages and fighting for one-on-one time. Robin won that battle as she was given the rose, and Kelly, the massaging drunk, was annoyed.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, crazy Shayne and Holly bond over spray tans. Okay, Holly’s stock went down just a touch when she admitted that she brought her own spray tanner. I’m sorry, what? Who owns a professional-grade spray tanner? And what does one do with a spray tanner all alone? Thoroughly confused…
Lastly, we have the second one-on-one date on which Shayne joins Matt in a hot car and they go wine tasting. Let me start with the outfit. She tramps it up in a little black dress paired with heinous, let me repeat, heinous, white boots. She looked like a street walker a la “Pretty Woman,” and girlfriend can’t compete with Julia Roberts. Thus, she resembled a legitimate ho from Hollywood Boulevard. Then she jumps into defending her career and family once again, trying to play off that her dad really isn’t famous, and he’s just “normal.” Well, clearly he’s normal, since I’ve never heard of him and he’s a big fat flop. Um, Shayne? Your famous dad isn’t famous. Newsflash. He was on “Renegade” for God’s sake. When did that air, 1982? The rest of the date goes as planned until Matt pretends like he actually likes her, and gives her a rose. This is insanity. Does he really like her? I think not. He treats her like a child, which she is, and that does not a marriage make.
Matt arrives at the rose ceremony in a nice brown/pink suit combo, looking like a dapper Brit. The hoes go at each other in typical fashion, and at the end of it, we’re left with nine.
1) Holly
2) Robin
3) Shayne
4) Amanda
5) Ashlee
6) Kelly
7) Chelsea
8) Noelle
9) Marshana (Making major strides, people! This is a record! Our world is changing!)
We wave goodbye to: Erin S., Amy, and Kristine. Wait, who remembered Amy and Kristine? I didn’t even recognize them. We wish Erin the best of luck in her continued quest to sell tasty hot dogs.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Supermodel: Noelle
2) House Drunk: Kelly. Has she ever uttered a sober word since arriving?
3) One Sandwich Short of a Picnic: Shayne. Kudos to Matt for that saying.
4) Most “real” bachelor ever: Matt. Love his sincerity. Too fun.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Cat-Sitter Available
Let this be a lesson…
Mondays are just so much better when you have a horrible TV show to look forward to, don’t you think? It seems as though the crazy has set in early this season, as the remaining 15 ladies begin to woo Matt with their looks, their drinking prowess, their talent (or lack thereof), and their insanity. What a dream it must be to be a strapping Londoner faced with the prospect of babysitting crazy American chicks. Poor chap. With that, let’s get to the show.
Tonight is our night of first group dates and the impending reactions we’ve all come to expect by now (e.g. tasty treats like, “I don’t want to share him with 14 other girls,” and “This is getting real,” and “I don’t deserve this,” blah blah blah). One winning tramp played this role to a “T” last night, and her name is Shayne, the actress. But more on that later.
The first date found Ashlee, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H., and Holly strutting their stuff at a fashion show for Matt. This was classic female degradation, and I loved every minute of it. Nothing like slutting it up to win some random guy’s heart! It’s probably not the best way to get to know someone, but it’s entertainment, and I’m fine by that. So was Matt, as he watched the trainwrecks work (or not so much work) the runway for him. He was looking good in his purple sweater, by the way.
After the fashion show, the girls become themselves again. And that means crazy. Michelle, clearly a musical virtuoso, serenades him with a creepy song that included lyrics like “I want you to touch me,” and I blushed (please recall her touching clarinet solo in Week One). Ugh. Ashlee snags the first kiss and then the first rose, and then acts like a 12-year-old with no concept of humility as she jumps around screaming “I got the rose” in front of the other rejects. It was fantastic.
The second group date finds the rest of the pack traveling to Vegas for a little gambling in game of love. Matt sets up a contest in which the winner gets to spend 30 minutes alone with him, and Kelly wins. She’s wasted, and it’s classic “Bachelor.” Matt’s babysitting continues when Shayne tests out her acting skills and gets all typical by freaking out about competing against others for his love. I love his reaction. He’s like, “You knew what you signed up for, you idiot.” Okay, he didn’t say that exactly, but that’s what he meant. Then Chelsea gets the first rose despite her ears and horrible top. Then we get to see Shayne break down more in the inevitable first date drama. Shayne, let me prevent a career full of heartbreak right here and now: you’re a horrible actress, and you’re never going to get work in LA. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
The pre-Rose-Ceremony cocktails provide some more entertainment as the serenading continues. Carri sings the most GOD AWFUL rendition of “Summertime,” and I mute the television. First off, she calls her singing “Opera.” Second, she sounds like a dying frog. Third, she’s going home and teaching all future disasters a lesson: STOP WITH THE SINGING AND/OR TALENT CONTEST! It embarrasses us all. Save your talents for the shower. Then Matt calls Shayne out on being an actress and questions her motivation for the show. It’s brilliant.
The roses go to:
1) Ashlee, who wears a choker and bad hair
2) Chelsea
3) Robin
4) Holly
5) Erin S.
6) Amanda
7) Kelly
8) Amy
9) Kristine
10) Marshana
11) Noelle
12) Shayne, who has clearly gotten a three-episode contract thanks to her manager.
We say farewell to the two singers, Michelle and Carri, and also wave goodbye to Erin H., who I thought was fun. But wait…
Michelle’s consolation speech will go down in history as quite possibly the most amazing/future-ruining speech in the history of this great world in which we live. And I quote: “I’m going to go home to my cat…It will be good to hear a purr again…She is the love of my life right now.”
Oh.
My.
Gah…
DING DING DING!!! Someone alert all males in the world, Michelle is a Crazy Cat Lady. Steer clear of impending insanity, sweater knitting, and feline breeding! This woman is a crazed loony tune in the making! I mean literally, I can’t even think of enough comments to fully capture my reaction to her cat-crazed lunacy. It was just divine. Thank you, Michelle, for ending this episode on a good note. And no, I’m not interested in adopting a cat. Please spay or neuter your pets, and quite possibly spay yourself in the process.
Until next week,
Mike
Mondays are just so much better when you have a horrible TV show to look forward to, don’t you think? It seems as though the crazy has set in early this season, as the remaining 15 ladies begin to woo Matt with their looks, their drinking prowess, their talent (or lack thereof), and their insanity. What a dream it must be to be a strapping Londoner faced with the prospect of babysitting crazy American chicks. Poor chap. With that, let’s get to the show.
Tonight is our night of first group dates and the impending reactions we’ve all come to expect by now (e.g. tasty treats like, “I don’t want to share him with 14 other girls,” and “This is getting real,” and “I don’t deserve this,” blah blah blah). One winning tramp played this role to a “T” last night, and her name is Shayne, the actress. But more on that later.
The first date found Ashlee, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H., and Holly strutting their stuff at a fashion show for Matt. This was classic female degradation, and I loved every minute of it. Nothing like slutting it up to win some random guy’s heart! It’s probably not the best way to get to know someone, but it’s entertainment, and I’m fine by that. So was Matt, as he watched the trainwrecks work (or not so much work) the runway for him. He was looking good in his purple sweater, by the way.
After the fashion show, the girls become themselves again. And that means crazy. Michelle, clearly a musical virtuoso, serenades him with a creepy song that included lyrics like “I want you to touch me,” and I blushed (please recall her touching clarinet solo in Week One). Ugh. Ashlee snags the first kiss and then the first rose, and then acts like a 12-year-old with no concept of humility as she jumps around screaming “I got the rose” in front of the other rejects. It was fantastic.
The second group date finds the rest of the pack traveling to Vegas for a little gambling in game of love. Matt sets up a contest in which the winner gets to spend 30 minutes alone with him, and Kelly wins. She’s wasted, and it’s classic “Bachelor.” Matt’s babysitting continues when Shayne tests out her acting skills and gets all typical by freaking out about competing against others for his love. I love his reaction. He’s like, “You knew what you signed up for, you idiot.” Okay, he didn’t say that exactly, but that’s what he meant. Then Chelsea gets the first rose despite her ears and horrible top. Then we get to see Shayne break down more in the inevitable first date drama. Shayne, let me prevent a career full of heartbreak right here and now: you’re a horrible actress, and you’re never going to get work in LA. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
The pre-Rose-Ceremony cocktails provide some more entertainment as the serenading continues. Carri sings the most GOD AWFUL rendition of “Summertime,” and I mute the television. First off, she calls her singing “Opera.” Second, she sounds like a dying frog. Third, she’s going home and teaching all future disasters a lesson: STOP WITH THE SINGING AND/OR TALENT CONTEST! It embarrasses us all. Save your talents for the shower. Then Matt calls Shayne out on being an actress and questions her motivation for the show. It’s brilliant.
The roses go to:
1) Ashlee, who wears a choker and bad hair
2) Chelsea
3) Robin
4) Holly
5) Erin S.
6) Amanda
7) Kelly
8) Amy
9) Kristine
10) Marshana
11) Noelle
12) Shayne, who has clearly gotten a three-episode contract thanks to her manager.
We say farewell to the two singers, Michelle and Carri, and also wave goodbye to Erin H., who I thought was fun. But wait…
Michelle’s consolation speech will go down in history as quite possibly the most amazing/future-ruining speech in the history of this great world in which we live. And I quote: “I’m going to go home to my cat…It will be good to hear a purr again…She is the love of my life right now.”
Oh.
My.
Gah…
DING DING DING!!! Someone alert all males in the world, Michelle is a Crazy Cat Lady. Steer clear of impending insanity, sweater knitting, and feline breeding! This woman is a crazed loony tune in the making! I mean literally, I can’t even think of enough comments to fully capture my reaction to her cat-crazed lunacy. It was just divine. Thank you, Michelle, for ending this episode on a good note. And no, I’m not interested in adopting a cat. Please spay or neuter your pets, and quite possibly spay yourself in the process.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
It's back. It's international. It's the Bachelor.
So our favorite show is back and so am I. It’s our first international bachelor, and we all couldn’t be more excited. (Unless, of course, this show was actually any good, in which case my career as blogger would be more prolific and internationally-recognized.)
Let me begin with a caveat related to this season: my posts may not be as ridiculously well-timed as those of past seasons. I am now even more famous and busy and important than I once was (currently revolutionizing the world of fashion), and I simply cannot keep up with the demands of my fast-paced life. But I will post reviews and they will be amazing, witty, and well-done. Basically, I'm famous and you all know it, thus my timing matters not!
Ladies and gents, please meet Matthew Grant. He be lookin’ real good.
As for the ladies…well…they’re fine, I guess. If by fine you mean a big fat hot mess.
After the intro by our friend Chris Harrison, we were all in love with Matt and ready to meet the ladies. Twenty-five of them arrived, and about three are worth remembering. The other 22? Hot messes. (Thank you Christian Siriano from Project Runway. We love you, you’re a hot tranny mess.)
There is no need for me to get too into evaluating each girl, as they all look the same after 82 seasons. Although, I must say, I believe this season has offered up the most fake boobs ever, and the most creative career choices. I was impressed! My favorite set of knockers were the tennis ball boobs that occupied the chest of Holly, the children’s book author from Ohio. Her rack looked like it was going to burst! Amazing.
So let’s get to the show. I love the first episode because these crazy cats just throw themselves at a man of which they know next to nothing. It’s amazing. It’s feminism at its finest. It’s pure class…God Bless America.
Denise engaged the Brit in a political conversation in which she exposed her love for “President” Bush and her first boss, Karl Rove. What is her agenda? To paint herself as the devil? To stand up for all that makes America horrible? To get booted off in the first episode? Yes, yes and yes.
Then, Carri, the Church Marketer, bites into a beer can. Enough said.
Ashlee tries to pull a Jewel and sings to Matt. Michelle plays the clarinet and looks like a band geek with her neck strap. What, did she just finish her stint as first chair clarinetist in the marching band?
And then…Stacey, who is now officially Ms. Hot Tranny Mess, enters the scene. I mean, she’s a mess regardless, but she might possibly be a tranny as well. Her heinous dress, inflated breasts and oversized back tattoo are nothing on her overarching success as simply trash. She gropes Matt, calls him “Baby” and “Honey,” and tells him about her Bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and how she hopes to find a “pharmaceutical to cure a disease we don’t even know about” or some sh*t. Are you kidding? Are you talking? She also doesn’t know much about the city of London. A real bright one, folks.
Shayne epitomizes the LA girl. Vacant, vapid and voluptuous with blonde hair to match her equally blonde intellect. She seems like a real deep one, let me tell you. She’s also an “actress.” Ooh! But, since Matt is a guy, he likes her.
At this point, my favorites are: Amanda R. and Robin. Robin is from my stomping ground of Holland, MI. In case you have forgotten, you ain’t much if you ain’t Dutch. It’s my mantra in life, and I suggest you make it yours. Matt agrees that Amanda is cute, and he gives her the First Impression Rose.
After a night of boozing, Matt selects the following ladies to officially be his suitors.
Amanda R
Chelsea
Shayne
Michelle P
Marshana
Ashlee
Noelle
Erin S
Amy
Carri
Kristine
Robin
Kelly
Holly
Erin H
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Best Job: Hot Dog Vendor, Erin S. Don’t even get me started on the jokes I can make about that one. Hopefully she’ll play a little “Hide the hot dog” with Matt sometime soon.
--Runners Up (and oh, there were so many): Church Marketer, Former Bush Aide, Law Student in Vegas (what, she plays Cops and Robbers on stage at a strip club?)…
2) Worst Dress: Kristine’s. She looked like a sea shell.
3) Best Dress: Amanda R’s. Loved that navy number.
4) Best quote: “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate,” Michelle P. (in reference to her clarinet reed).
5) Hot Tranny Mess: Stacey. Her name is simply perfect for this award.
Until next week,
Mike
Let me begin with a caveat related to this season: my posts may not be as ridiculously well-timed as those of past seasons. I am now even more famous and busy and important than I once was (currently revolutionizing the world of fashion), and I simply cannot keep up with the demands of my fast-paced life. But I will post reviews and they will be amazing, witty, and well-done. Basically, I'm famous and you all know it, thus my timing matters not!
Ladies and gents, please meet Matthew Grant. He be lookin’ real good.
As for the ladies…well…they’re fine, I guess. If by fine you mean a big fat hot mess.
After the intro by our friend Chris Harrison, we were all in love with Matt and ready to meet the ladies. Twenty-five of them arrived, and about three are worth remembering. The other 22? Hot messes. (Thank you Christian Siriano from Project Runway. We love you, you’re a hot tranny mess.)
There is no need for me to get too into evaluating each girl, as they all look the same after 82 seasons. Although, I must say, I believe this season has offered up the most fake boobs ever, and the most creative career choices. I was impressed! My favorite set of knockers were the tennis ball boobs that occupied the chest of Holly, the children’s book author from Ohio. Her rack looked like it was going to burst! Amazing.
So let’s get to the show. I love the first episode because these crazy cats just throw themselves at a man of which they know next to nothing. It’s amazing. It’s feminism at its finest. It’s pure class…God Bless America.
Denise engaged the Brit in a political conversation in which she exposed her love for “President” Bush and her first boss, Karl Rove. What is her agenda? To paint herself as the devil? To stand up for all that makes America horrible? To get booted off in the first episode? Yes, yes and yes.
Then, Carri, the Church Marketer, bites into a beer can. Enough said.
Ashlee tries to pull a Jewel and sings to Matt. Michelle plays the clarinet and looks like a band geek with her neck strap. What, did she just finish her stint as first chair clarinetist in the marching band?
And then…Stacey, who is now officially Ms. Hot Tranny Mess, enters the scene. I mean, she’s a mess regardless, but she might possibly be a tranny as well. Her heinous dress, inflated breasts and oversized back tattoo are nothing on her overarching success as simply trash. She gropes Matt, calls him “Baby” and “Honey,” and tells him about her Bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and how she hopes to find a “pharmaceutical to cure a disease we don’t even know about” or some sh*t. Are you kidding? Are you talking? She also doesn’t know much about the city of London. A real bright one, folks.
Shayne epitomizes the LA girl. Vacant, vapid and voluptuous with blonde hair to match her equally blonde intellect. She seems like a real deep one, let me tell you. She’s also an “actress.” Ooh! But, since Matt is a guy, he likes her.
At this point, my favorites are: Amanda R. and Robin. Robin is from my stomping ground of Holland, MI. In case you have forgotten, you ain’t much if you ain’t Dutch. It’s my mantra in life, and I suggest you make it yours. Matt agrees that Amanda is cute, and he gives her the First Impression Rose.
After a night of boozing, Matt selects the following ladies to officially be his suitors.
Amanda R
Chelsea
Shayne
Michelle P
Marshana
Ashlee
Noelle
Erin S
Amy
Carri
Kristine
Robin
Kelly
Holly
Erin H
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Best Job: Hot Dog Vendor, Erin S. Don’t even get me started on the jokes I can make about that one. Hopefully she’ll play a little “Hide the hot dog” with Matt sometime soon.
--Runners Up (and oh, there were so many): Church Marketer, Former Bush Aide, Law Student in Vegas (what, she plays Cops and Robbers on stage at a strip club?)…
2) Worst Dress: Kristine’s. She looked like a sea shell.
3) Best Dress: Amanda R’s. Loved that navy number.
4) Best quote: “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate,” Michelle P. (in reference to her clarinet reed).
5) Hot Tranny Mess: Stacey. Her name is simply perfect for this award.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, November 19, 2007
Finale
Welcome to the world’s shortest Bachelor finale. Yes, ABC continues its budget cuts by squeezing the “most dramatic final rose ceremony” into fewer than 60 minutes. Amazing.
To further emphasize the budget woes, the final two ladies do not visit Brad in his hometown, the family comes to Malibu so the girls can just show up in a limo and visit for five minutes.
First things first: the little brother, Wes. Let’s talk about the Womack gene pool and how it pooled all its resources in the first two boys, Brad and Chad. The twins got the business, and the little bro got screwed. Sucks to be him.
DeAnna is the first to arrive at Brad’s bachelor pad. She meets the family, she retains her typical unemotional and business-like persona, and she blows.
Jenni arrives next, and the Womack family stomachs their second meal in two hours and the also does their best to stomach Jenni’s horribly annoying laugh. It’s unbearable to say the least, and I have to mute the telly. Nothing else eventful happens because there’s only 40 minutes left in the episode!
On to step two: the final date before you get a) proposed to; or b) dissed for eternity.
DeAnna cooks or bakes or does something. They cuddle. Nothing happens. Honestly, I’m so glad this is the last episode because I can’t deal anymore.
Jenni entertains Brad next, and she tells him she loves him. Her dress is cheap and dumb and she doesn’t know how to use her chopsticks over their Asian feast. She uses two hands, and I love every minute of it.
And then…we see her tattoo in a brief moment of cinematic genius. Of smiley faces. On her shoulder. It’s really a work of art…by a kindergartner.
And then she reads from her diary. I am forced to hand the remote to my couch companion, Aileen, because she knows I will mute the whole speech. And then she reads the next work of American literary genius from her dear diary. I barf.
Sidenote: worst season ever.
Brad goes to Chopard to buy a ring. And then he shows his hot bod, and then he chooses the girl.
Jenni arrives first. Our thoughts swirl. Is he choosing DeAnna? Is ABC screwing with our minds and making us think he hates Jenni? Is this the worst season ever? Oh, sorry, off topic.
And then, he dumps her. Wait, for real? Is he really choosing the cold, unemotional disaster that is DeAnna? Well, once we see Jenni’s eye make-up, it makes it easier for us, but still. And then, we realize we don’t care because we are entirely uninvested in any of these women.
DeAnna arrives to the scene next. Brad says, “There is not a single thing that I’m looking for in my future wife that DeAnna does not possess.” Oh really. You don’t want emotions? Or, better yet, you want a cold-as-ice bride? Good for you! You win! Brad chooses her. Bore galore.
OR WAIT!!!!! HE DOESN’T!!!!! He leaves her alone on the pedestal while he thinks about it, and then he returns to DUMP HER TOO!!! ARE. YOU. KIDDING?!?!?!?! Sidenote: I felt bad for five seconds while she stood there alone, and then I realize that I love every minute of it because I’m actually surprised. And who cares. She’s cold as ice.
Worst season ever quickly turns into the best ending ever. We no longer have to read in People in January that the blessed engagement is over and Brad has moved on. We no longer have to tell our friends that we like this show even though it blows and it’s full of empty promises.
And so it comes full circle, my beloved readers. We now understand the “budget cuts” and the short episodes, and the utter disaster that was this season. ABC knew there was nothing. We knew too, but we were fooled. I love it.
Until next time…if there is a next time.
Mike
To further emphasize the budget woes, the final two ladies do not visit Brad in his hometown, the family comes to Malibu so the girls can just show up in a limo and visit for five minutes.
First things first: the little brother, Wes. Let’s talk about the Womack gene pool and how it pooled all its resources in the first two boys, Brad and Chad. The twins got the business, and the little bro got screwed. Sucks to be him.
DeAnna is the first to arrive at Brad’s bachelor pad. She meets the family, she retains her typical unemotional and business-like persona, and she blows.
Jenni arrives next, and the Womack family stomachs their second meal in two hours and the also does their best to stomach Jenni’s horribly annoying laugh. It’s unbearable to say the least, and I have to mute the telly. Nothing else eventful happens because there’s only 40 minutes left in the episode!
On to step two: the final date before you get a) proposed to; or b) dissed for eternity.
DeAnna cooks or bakes or does something. They cuddle. Nothing happens. Honestly, I’m so glad this is the last episode because I can’t deal anymore.
Jenni entertains Brad next, and she tells him she loves him. Her dress is cheap and dumb and she doesn’t know how to use her chopsticks over their Asian feast. She uses two hands, and I love every minute of it.
And then…we see her tattoo in a brief moment of cinematic genius. Of smiley faces. On her shoulder. It’s really a work of art…by a kindergartner.
And then she reads from her diary. I am forced to hand the remote to my couch companion, Aileen, because she knows I will mute the whole speech. And then she reads the next work of American literary genius from her dear diary. I barf.
Sidenote: worst season ever.
Brad goes to Chopard to buy a ring. And then he shows his hot bod, and then he chooses the girl.
Jenni arrives first. Our thoughts swirl. Is he choosing DeAnna? Is ABC screwing with our minds and making us think he hates Jenni? Is this the worst season ever? Oh, sorry, off topic.
And then, he dumps her. Wait, for real? Is he really choosing the cold, unemotional disaster that is DeAnna? Well, once we see Jenni’s eye make-up, it makes it easier for us, but still. And then, we realize we don’t care because we are entirely uninvested in any of these women.
DeAnna arrives to the scene next. Brad says, “There is not a single thing that I’m looking for in my future wife that DeAnna does not possess.” Oh really. You don’t want emotions? Or, better yet, you want a cold-as-ice bride? Good for you! You win! Brad chooses her. Bore galore.
OR WAIT!!!!! HE DOESN’T!!!!! He leaves her alone on the pedestal while he thinks about it, and then he returns to DUMP HER TOO!!! ARE. YOU. KIDDING?!?!?!?! Sidenote: I felt bad for five seconds while she stood there alone, and then I realize that I love every minute of it because I’m actually surprised. And who cares. She’s cold as ice.
Worst season ever quickly turns into the best ending ever. We no longer have to read in People in January that the blessed engagement is over and Brad has moved on. We no longer have to tell our friends that we like this show even though it blows and it’s full of empty promises.
And so it comes full circle, my beloved readers. We now understand the “budget cuts” and the short episodes, and the utter disaster that was this season. ABC knew there was nothing. We knew too, but we were fooled. I love it.
Until next time…if there is a next time.
Mike
Monday, November 05, 2007
Fantasyland
Fantasyland
It’s Fantasy Date Night and, although the fantasy we once had that this season would be amazing has long faded, we feign excitement and drink more wine…er…watch the show anyway. It’s a night full of hot tubs, hot bods, and hot moments between lovers. Times three.
First things first. All dates are in the same place: Cabo. Budget cuts much? What ever happened to flying around the world to meet the hoes at various tropical locales? What, ABC has resorted to renting a Hertz Rent-a-car and driving three hours south to dirty Mexico? And, let’s not even mention the fact that the episode is like 39 minutes long. Amazing.
The first fantasy date is with Jenni. She shows up in Cabo and swims with the dolphins with Brad while wearing a cheetah-print bikini with pink bows. Yes, I just wrote “cheetah-print bikini with pink bows” and that’s what she wore. Disaster. Then they had dinner. Brad wore a horrendous lime green shirt and Jenni jumped the gun by asking Brad what was in his pocket (i.e. the proposal to bone from Chris Harrison). They boned. End scene. My favorite part? When Brad pretended that he was worried that she might not want to bone…I mean spend the night together.
Then Between-a-Man showed up with her bangin’ bod (and bad skin). They sailed, they went to Lovers’ Beach (reminder to all lovers: we’re vacationing there immediately), they had dinner and it was awkward as always. Every time they’re together it’s like a blind date all over again. She bullsh*ts him and says the only thing her horribly-judgmental family was concerned about was Brad’s intentions and we see through it. If only we could have seen through the walls of their bedroom as they boned 20 minutes later. Damn the man.
DeAnna arrives last. They drive cars. She tells him she’s falling in love, they kiss. Sidenote: every dinner was at the same place. Again, we realize the real estate market is down and CEO’s of the big banks are dropping like flies, but can ABC make their budget cuts more obvious? Let’s get real. And then…you guessed it…they bone in the Fantasy Suite.
Then, in typical budget-cut fashion, Brad walks into to a rose ceremony of already-assembled ladies waiting to be axed. I love The Bachelor in fast-forward motion.
1) Jenni
2) DeAnna
Between-a-Man is once again just that: Between a man. Girl better go home to her judgy family and find some PhD student to marry. She totally wasted a cute dress for nothing. Between-a holds it together, though. But, she’s been through this before, let’s be honest. I also might think she must be a cold-hearted emotionless actress. Her monologue in the limo on the way home was amazing. Big words, no feeling. It was very well-delivered.
Until next week,
Mike
It’s Fantasy Date Night and, although the fantasy we once had that this season would be amazing has long faded, we feign excitement and drink more wine…er…watch the show anyway. It’s a night full of hot tubs, hot bods, and hot moments between lovers. Times three.
First things first. All dates are in the same place: Cabo. Budget cuts much? What ever happened to flying around the world to meet the hoes at various tropical locales? What, ABC has resorted to renting a Hertz Rent-a-car and driving three hours south to dirty Mexico? And, let’s not even mention the fact that the episode is like 39 minutes long. Amazing.
The first fantasy date is with Jenni. She shows up in Cabo and swims with the dolphins with Brad while wearing a cheetah-print bikini with pink bows. Yes, I just wrote “cheetah-print bikini with pink bows” and that’s what she wore. Disaster. Then they had dinner. Brad wore a horrendous lime green shirt and Jenni jumped the gun by asking Brad what was in his pocket (i.e. the proposal to bone from Chris Harrison). They boned. End scene. My favorite part? When Brad pretended that he was worried that she might not want to bone…I mean spend the night together.
Then Between-a-Man showed up with her bangin’ bod (and bad skin). They sailed, they went to Lovers’ Beach (reminder to all lovers: we’re vacationing there immediately), they had dinner and it was awkward as always. Every time they’re together it’s like a blind date all over again. She bullsh*ts him and says the only thing her horribly-judgmental family was concerned about was Brad’s intentions and we see through it. If only we could have seen through the walls of their bedroom as they boned 20 minutes later. Damn the man.
DeAnna arrives last. They drive cars. She tells him she’s falling in love, they kiss. Sidenote: every dinner was at the same place. Again, we realize the real estate market is down and CEO’s of the big banks are dropping like flies, but can ABC make their budget cuts more obvious? Let’s get real. And then…you guessed it…they bone in the Fantasy Suite.
Then, in typical budget-cut fashion, Brad walks into to a rose ceremony of already-assembled ladies waiting to be axed. I love The Bachelor in fast-forward motion.
1) Jenni
2) DeAnna
Between-a-Man is once again just that: Between a man. Girl better go home to her judgy family and find some PhD student to marry. She totally wasted a cute dress for nothing. Between-a holds it together, though. But, she’s been through this before, let’s be honest. I also might think she must be a cold-hearted emotionless actress. Her monologue in the limo on the way home was amazing. Big words, no feeling. It was very well-delivered.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, October 29, 2007
Remind me not to marry Bettina
The Hometown Date episode. Always an hour full of fun and surprises. Past years have brought us gun-wielding fathers, artificial insemination apparati for horses, parents who speak no English…but that’s all in the past. This year we have trashy hair salons in Wichita, freaky moms in California, and, well, let’s get to it.
The first date (preceded by requisite shower scene as Brad prepares to travel) takes us to Wichita, KS. We visit a scantily-clad Jenni at some theatre where she thoroughly embarrasses herself by dancing poorly for Brad. She gets on stage and shows Brad what she’s made of. Very little. Are you kidding? It’s like a 6th-grade talent show with girls in pink bedazzled tights dancing for pre-pubescent boys in the cafetorium during fifth period. And then we go meet the family at the hair salon. Yes, the hair salon, complete with Grandma wearing a granny slogan tee. Amazing. Grandma asks Brad if he’s a drinking man as they all imbibe beverages during lunch. So weird. And then her mom washes Brad’s hair. I mean…has she inhaled a few too many bad dye jobs over her years at the Wichita family salon? I can’t. It’s just too much. By the end, I feel like the crazy chemistry they once had has faded a bit, but let’s wait and see. And Jenni? Lose the dress. And the trashy family.
Back to California to meet Sheena’s family. Brad meets Sheena in Walnut Creek, CA, just outside of Berkeley. I know this because I’m famous and I travel for work…err…used to travel for work until I assumed my new glamorous life. But back to the point. Sheena’s parents pull up and take the lovebirds tubing…behind a boat that’s FAR too large to be pulling tubers. A 34-foot Sea Ray is no boat for sports on water (I would have said watersports but that word has negative connotations). I know this because I’m basically a yachtsman. And I’m famous. Then we go back to Crazy Mom talking about stars aligning and signs and pure ridiculousity. I’m so serious. I would have removed myself from the conversation immediately. I also would have had to throw up the entire time my mom talked to me about the wedding plans. It’s just too much. She is a loony tune, and Sheena is clearly embarrassed and nervous as her mother is now her biggest liability.
Date three: Canton, GA for a Big Fat Greek Hometown Date. She brings the clichéd Georgia peaches, and I’m bored. They immediately go to the house to meet the dad, family and step-mother. DeAnna’s bitchiness falls by the wayside as she sees her family. And speaking of family…Grandma and Grandpa come over with “the booze” and I’m immediately in love. The grandfather says “Let’s party,” and I seriously think he might be the coolest. They force him to take 82 shots, and I’m not sure how he held it together.
The last date reunites Bettina and Brad in Hell…I mean, at Bettina’s parent’s place in DC. Her dad’s house is totally gorgeous…but that’s about all that’s cute. They question his education, his business, and her father says, “That’s a great disappointment.” He runs a “bunch of bars” and they’re totally judgmental. I mean, I’ve never judged anyone my entire life, so basically these people suck. I mean, your daughter is on The Bachelor. Are you really surprised by what’s happening on the show? Your divorced daughter is basically on a dating show. You knew this. Father takes Daughter out to chat and he’s 100% professor in a bad way. No feelings, all academic. Blah blah blah. The moms question Brad at the same time, and they suck too. Brad is totally offended and I actually feel bad. Bettina tries to tell Brad that she’s “not really that good on paper either,” and that heats him up more. He kind of goes off on her without raising his voice. Poor guy. He’s pissed and he hates her.
In the end, Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Bettina
Sayonara to Sheena, which is a massive slap in the face after his horrible date at Bettina’s. Yikes…I guess Crazy Mom really proved she was a crazy one.
Awards:
1) Most boring Hometown Date episode ever: This one.
2) Least talented Phoenix Suns dancer: Jenni. Remind me to go get popcorn during halftime of the next Suns game I go to.
3) Worst parents: Bettina’s. Best of luck winning. Brad hates your family…fat chance.
Until next week,
Mike
The first date (preceded by requisite shower scene as Brad prepares to travel) takes us to Wichita, KS. We visit a scantily-clad Jenni at some theatre where she thoroughly embarrasses herself by dancing poorly for Brad. She gets on stage and shows Brad what she’s made of. Very little. Are you kidding? It’s like a 6th-grade talent show with girls in pink bedazzled tights dancing for pre-pubescent boys in the cafetorium during fifth period. And then we go meet the family at the hair salon. Yes, the hair salon, complete with Grandma wearing a granny slogan tee. Amazing. Grandma asks Brad if he’s a drinking man as they all imbibe beverages during lunch. So weird. And then her mom washes Brad’s hair. I mean…has she inhaled a few too many bad dye jobs over her years at the Wichita family salon? I can’t. It’s just too much. By the end, I feel like the crazy chemistry they once had has faded a bit, but let’s wait and see. And Jenni? Lose the dress. And the trashy family.
Back to California to meet Sheena’s family. Brad meets Sheena in Walnut Creek, CA, just outside of Berkeley. I know this because I’m famous and I travel for work…err…used to travel for work until I assumed my new glamorous life. But back to the point. Sheena’s parents pull up and take the lovebirds tubing…behind a boat that’s FAR too large to be pulling tubers. A 34-foot Sea Ray is no boat for sports on water (I would have said watersports but that word has negative connotations). I know this because I’m basically a yachtsman. And I’m famous. Then we go back to Crazy Mom talking about stars aligning and signs and pure ridiculousity. I’m so serious. I would have removed myself from the conversation immediately. I also would have had to throw up the entire time my mom talked to me about the wedding plans. It’s just too much. She is a loony tune, and Sheena is clearly embarrassed and nervous as her mother is now her biggest liability.
Date three: Canton, GA for a Big Fat Greek Hometown Date. She brings the clichéd Georgia peaches, and I’m bored. They immediately go to the house to meet the dad, family and step-mother. DeAnna’s bitchiness falls by the wayside as she sees her family. And speaking of family…Grandma and Grandpa come over with “the booze” and I’m immediately in love. The grandfather says “Let’s party,” and I seriously think he might be the coolest. They force him to take 82 shots, and I’m not sure how he held it together.
The last date reunites Bettina and Brad in Hell…I mean, at Bettina’s parent’s place in DC. Her dad’s house is totally gorgeous…but that’s about all that’s cute. They question his education, his business, and her father says, “That’s a great disappointment.” He runs a “bunch of bars” and they’re totally judgmental. I mean, I’ve never judged anyone my entire life, so basically these people suck. I mean, your daughter is on The Bachelor. Are you really surprised by what’s happening on the show? Your divorced daughter is basically on a dating show. You knew this. Father takes Daughter out to chat and he’s 100% professor in a bad way. No feelings, all academic. Blah blah blah. The moms question Brad at the same time, and they suck too. Brad is totally offended and I actually feel bad. Bettina tries to tell Brad that she’s “not really that good on paper either,” and that heats him up more. He kind of goes off on her without raising his voice. Poor guy. He’s pissed and he hates her.
In the end, Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Bettina
Sayonara to Sheena, which is a massive slap in the face after his horrible date at Bettina’s. Yikes…I guess Crazy Mom really proved she was a crazy one.
Awards:
1) Most boring Hometown Date episode ever: This one.
2) Least talented Phoenix Suns dancer: Jenni. Remind me to go get popcorn during halftime of the next Suns game I go to.
3) Worst parents: Bettina’s. Best of luck winning. Brad hates your family…fat chance.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, October 22, 2007
Biggest Meltdown Ever
A bottle of wine later, I commence writing.
Chris begins the episode by announcing the next three dates: two one-one-ones and a group date. He is also wearing one of the most tragic shirts I’ve ever seen in Bachelor history. And let’s be honest, there are some rather disastrous fashion choices on this show.
The first date is a one-on-one with Between-a-Man. And that she is. Their romantic date on a gondola on the feces-infested waters of Southern California is truly dream-like. Awkward moments, no chemistry, kisses on the cheek...it’s really what dreams are made of. Bad dreams, that is. Honestly, it was just not cute. What are we, 12? Kissing on the cheek? I mean…
The second date is the group date. It’s a pool party circa 7th grade (did we all hear the girls scream when the invitation announced the pool party theme?). Jenni, Hillary, Christy and DeAnna put on their bikinis (against some of their better judgment) and the party begins! Christy is boring and sits on the sidelines. Hillary gets hammered and says things that ABC bleeps out. I laugh out loud as I read her lips as she goes through her fantasies with Brad “doing her from behind,” “tapping her ass,” and “taking her t*ts out.” Yes, you read correctly. She said this. It was pretty much hilarious and awesome. Brad also tells her he thinks they might be “too good of friends” which is pretty much “you suck” in Bachelor-speak. Then Brad and Jenni make out because they’re madly in love. Date done.
The last date is the “most romantic date yet” (no…really? You don’t say!). The 23-year-old Sheena has a date full of surprises with Brad. She gets to pick out a dress, she gets to dine among a floor full of balloons, she gets to fall down the stairs, et cetera. Yes, fall down the stairs. That’s what I said. Fall down the stairs. Aileen and I both laughed out loud on multiple occasions during the string of events as Sheena appears in her “beautiful” gown and approaches Brad while descending stairs in heels. She falls. It was amazing, and I’m pissed they didn’t replay it 82 times. I mean, she fell down the stairs! Brilliant! I don’t really remember anything else that happened during the rest of the date.
And then there’s the pre-rose-ceremony. Sheena recites the most elementary poem ever composed and Brad pretends it’s romantic. Any mention of “moles” in a poem is just simply un-poetic. DeAnna then sees Brad and comments on her butt. I’m sorry, what?
Meanwhile, Jenni and Between-a-Man talk about Bettina’s supposed sarcasm about her date. Jenni, bad headband and all, is annoyed.
Then Between-a gets some time with Brad. They awkwardly talk about their awkward date and it’s simply awkward. It’s like Bettina and Brad are discussing some sort of official business. Like Bettina’s a tire saleswoman and she’s reading over the new warranty Brad just signed up for. It’s just plain business-like.
And then…Hillary. A very booby Hillary and Brad talk about their friendship. Hillary secretly thinks, “Friendship?!? NOOOOOOOO!!!! You’re my LOVER!!!! I’M CRAZY IN LOVE AND MAYBE JUST CRAZY.” But she evades Brad dissing her and she pretends they are in love.
Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Sheena
4) Bettina
Goodbye: Hillary and Christy
Awards:
1) Most dramatic: Hillary. Enough said.
2) Worst overall look: Jenni. Get some fashion sense. Thanks.
3) Most intense cleavage: Hillary’s. Wow.
Until next week,
Mike
Chris begins the episode by announcing the next three dates: two one-one-ones and a group date. He is also wearing one of the most tragic shirts I’ve ever seen in Bachelor history. And let’s be honest, there are some rather disastrous fashion choices on this show.
The first date is a one-on-one with Between-a-Man. And that she is. Their romantic date on a gondola on the feces-infested waters of Southern California is truly dream-like. Awkward moments, no chemistry, kisses on the cheek...it’s really what dreams are made of. Bad dreams, that is. Honestly, it was just not cute. What are we, 12? Kissing on the cheek? I mean…
The second date is the group date. It’s a pool party circa 7th grade (did we all hear the girls scream when the invitation announced the pool party theme?). Jenni, Hillary, Christy and DeAnna put on their bikinis (against some of their better judgment) and the party begins! Christy is boring and sits on the sidelines. Hillary gets hammered and says things that ABC bleeps out. I laugh out loud as I read her lips as she goes through her fantasies with Brad “doing her from behind,” “tapping her ass,” and “taking her t*ts out.” Yes, you read correctly. She said this. It was pretty much hilarious and awesome. Brad also tells her he thinks they might be “too good of friends” which is pretty much “you suck” in Bachelor-speak. Then Brad and Jenni make out because they’re madly in love. Date done.
The last date is the “most romantic date yet” (no…really? You don’t say!). The 23-year-old Sheena has a date full of surprises with Brad. She gets to pick out a dress, she gets to dine among a floor full of balloons, she gets to fall down the stairs, et cetera. Yes, fall down the stairs. That’s what I said. Fall down the stairs. Aileen and I both laughed out loud on multiple occasions during the string of events as Sheena appears in her “beautiful” gown and approaches Brad while descending stairs in heels. She falls. It was amazing, and I’m pissed they didn’t replay it 82 times. I mean, she fell down the stairs! Brilliant! I don’t really remember anything else that happened during the rest of the date.
And then there’s the pre-rose-ceremony. Sheena recites the most elementary poem ever composed and Brad pretends it’s romantic. Any mention of “moles” in a poem is just simply un-poetic. DeAnna then sees Brad and comments on her butt. I’m sorry, what?
Meanwhile, Jenni and Between-a-Man talk about Bettina’s supposed sarcasm about her date. Jenni, bad headband and all, is annoyed.
Then Between-a gets some time with Brad. They awkwardly talk about their awkward date and it’s simply awkward. It’s like Bettina and Brad are discussing some sort of official business. Like Bettina’s a tire saleswoman and she’s reading over the new warranty Brad just signed up for. It’s just plain business-like.
And then…Hillary. A very booby Hillary and Brad talk about their friendship. Hillary secretly thinks, “Friendship?!? NOOOOOOOO!!!! You’re my LOVER!!!! I’M CRAZY IN LOVE AND MAYBE JUST CRAZY.” But she evades Brad dissing her and she pretends they are in love.
Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Sheena
4) Bettina
Goodbye: Hillary and Christy
Awards:
1) Most dramatic: Hillary. Enough said.
2) Worst overall look: Jenni. Get some fashion sense. Thanks.
3) Most intense cleavage: Hillary’s. Wow.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, October 15, 2007
9 to 6.
Nine ladies. Three dates. At least two fake boobs. One mullet.
The first date is a one-on-one with the chick Brad really likes: Jenni with an “i.” Just as she danced her way onto the Phoenix Suns dance team and E-List fame, Jenni has danced her way to Brad’s heart and he’s smitten. In typical Bachelor fashion, Brad arrives via helicopter to whisk away his lady to fantasy land (what would a season of The Bachelor be without a helicopter ride and awkward conversation via headsets?). That fantasy land means downtown LA is debatable, but whatever. The lovebirds dine al fresco on a rooftop and make out on the couch.
Meanwhile, at the manse, the eight gals who were left behind begin to bicker. McCarten and DeAnna, in their bitchy ways, stirred the pot and got a rise out of Jade. Yes, we’re still wondering about why Jade has a mullet, but it’s fine.
Clearly, after the make-out, Brad gives Jenni a rose.
Date two is a group date with Sheena, McCarten, Hillary, Bettina, Stephy and Kristy. They do some improv, Bettina embarrasses herself by blurting out “I love you Brad,” Hillary is actually kinda funny, and Kristy is a big mess. Bettina’s boobs were also surprisingly perky as she acted like a dog, supine on the floor. In the end, Between-a-Man gets the rose.
Before the date ends, DeAnna and Jade get their date box back at home and the drama heats up: only one will return. Ooooooh…
The third date begins with a tense limo ride between the two girls who hate each other. So fun…gotta love the tension. I’m watching and awaiting an all-out bitch fight…here’s hopin’.
The date begins with Brad questioning the girls, and the competition begins. I get uncomfortable immediately. Is this a reenactment of the Kristen Wiig skit on SNL where she one-ups everything everyone says? Yes. I pretty much invented love, so…
Sidenote: I’ve decided I’m over DeAnna. She’s a wench. Her Greekness, which I would usually love, kind of loses its luster when she opens her mouth and her Southern twang falls out. It’s like Spinakopita served with a stale Waffle House waffle. They just don’t go together. I also hate Jade’s hair.
And then, the rose…goes…to…DeAnna. Of course it does. He walks Jade to the door, shares some platitudes with her like, “I think you’re a wonderful person,” and she’s on her way back to Tennessee. Rocky Top!! Cue the hot tub scene with DeAnna and Brad. End scene.
Sidenote Two: This season is boring.
Before the rose ceremony, some more truths come out. The hoes hear who Brad kissed first, the inevitable drama ensues, it’s fabulous. A few “sluts” are tossed out there, it’s simply grand. I mean, what did these girls expect? Brad to go all Mormon on us and not kiss anyone? Or do they want him to go all Mormon on us and marry everyone? I’m just sayin’…don’t get all Mitt Romney on my ass right now.
Love that Brad thinks Kristy might be too “refined” for him. I’m sorry, is her moustache refined? Did I miss something?
What I hate about Brad are his answers and his annoying reassurances like “It’s okay,” “Don’t worry,” when girls start to cry or when things get uncomfortable. Just shut up.
And the final six are:
1) Jenni
2) DeAnna
3) Bettina
4) Kristy
5) Sheena
6) Hillary
Adios Stephy and McCarten.
Awards:
1) Best fake ones: Between-a-Man’s.
2) Biggest bitch: DeAnna.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. did anyone catch all the “mosts” coming up next week? “Most dramatic exit ever,” “Most romantic date ever,” it’s just too much!
The first date is a one-on-one with the chick Brad really likes: Jenni with an “i.” Just as she danced her way onto the Phoenix Suns dance team and E-List fame, Jenni has danced her way to Brad’s heart and he’s smitten. In typical Bachelor fashion, Brad arrives via helicopter to whisk away his lady to fantasy land (what would a season of The Bachelor be without a helicopter ride and awkward conversation via headsets?). That fantasy land means downtown LA is debatable, but whatever. The lovebirds dine al fresco on a rooftop and make out on the couch.
Meanwhile, at the manse, the eight gals who were left behind begin to bicker. McCarten and DeAnna, in their bitchy ways, stirred the pot and got a rise out of Jade. Yes, we’re still wondering about why Jade has a mullet, but it’s fine.
Clearly, after the make-out, Brad gives Jenni a rose.
Date two is a group date with Sheena, McCarten, Hillary, Bettina, Stephy and Kristy. They do some improv, Bettina embarrasses herself by blurting out “I love you Brad,” Hillary is actually kinda funny, and Kristy is a big mess. Bettina’s boobs were also surprisingly perky as she acted like a dog, supine on the floor. In the end, Between-a-Man gets the rose.
Before the date ends, DeAnna and Jade get their date box back at home and the drama heats up: only one will return. Ooooooh…
The third date begins with a tense limo ride between the two girls who hate each other. So fun…gotta love the tension. I’m watching and awaiting an all-out bitch fight…here’s hopin’.
The date begins with Brad questioning the girls, and the competition begins. I get uncomfortable immediately. Is this a reenactment of the Kristen Wiig skit on SNL where she one-ups everything everyone says? Yes. I pretty much invented love, so…
Sidenote: I’ve decided I’m over DeAnna. She’s a wench. Her Greekness, which I would usually love, kind of loses its luster when she opens her mouth and her Southern twang falls out. It’s like Spinakopita served with a stale Waffle House waffle. They just don’t go together. I also hate Jade’s hair.
And then, the rose…goes…to…DeAnna. Of course it does. He walks Jade to the door, shares some platitudes with her like, “I think you’re a wonderful person,” and she’s on her way back to Tennessee. Rocky Top!! Cue the hot tub scene with DeAnna and Brad. End scene.
Sidenote Two: This season is boring.
Before the rose ceremony, some more truths come out. The hoes hear who Brad kissed first, the inevitable drama ensues, it’s fabulous. A few “sluts” are tossed out there, it’s simply grand. I mean, what did these girls expect? Brad to go all Mormon on us and not kiss anyone? Or do they want him to go all Mormon on us and marry everyone? I’m just sayin’…don’t get all Mitt Romney on my ass right now.
Love that Brad thinks Kristy might be too “refined” for him. I’m sorry, is her moustache refined? Did I miss something?
What I hate about Brad are his answers and his annoying reassurances like “It’s okay,” “Don’t worry,” when girls start to cry or when things get uncomfortable. Just shut up.
And the final six are:
1) Jenni
2) DeAnna
3) Bettina
4) Kristy
5) Sheena
6) Hillary
Adios Stephy and McCarten.
Awards:
1) Best fake ones: Between-a-Man’s.
2) Biggest bitch: DeAnna.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. did anyone catch all the “mosts” coming up next week? “Most dramatic exit ever,” “Most romantic date ever,” it’s just too much!
Monday, October 08, 2007
Special Parts
So we’re down to 12. 12 hoes showing their claws, fighting for their man, embarrassing themselves, you know the drill.
Tonight there are three dates: two group dates and a one-on-one.
The first date is a group date, and it involves the circus. Yes, the circus. The Bachelor goes carnie, and I love every minute of it. The troop of carnies are Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsey, Sarah and DeAnna. Brad picks up the girls only to take them to the “Luxury Box” at the circus. Excuse me? Luxury box and circus in the same sentence? Oxymoronic much?
Nothing really happens at the circus except circus freaks, circus acts, and the first rose going to Stephy because she talks about her dad and how amazing he is. Not into it. Oh, and Brad still likes Jenni with an “i” because the chemistry is “beyond words” and because she shakes her ass like a professional dancer. Because that’s what she is. In Phoenix. Another kicker is McCarten referencing her three-year relationship…when she was 13. Amazing. Congrats on dating someone in 8th grade.
The second date is the famed one-on-one. Hillary meets Brad lookin’ all cute, and is immediately bejeweled with $1,000,000 worth of bling. Brilly. Then they fly to San Francisco and have a gay old time. The eat dinner, Hillary cries. They drink champagne, Hillary cries. They have dessert, Hillary cries. And so on. But Brad is wooed by her tears and he gives her a rose. She’s a raging emotional mess, and I love it. Her hair is remarkably huge. Does she have roots in Texas?
The third date reunites Christy, Sheena, Jade, Bettina, and Solisa with their beloved Brad. They go sailing, they ride wave runners, they get pulled over by aqua cops, they confess divorces...you know, all the normal stuff. Yes, Sheena did a power slide and got pulled over, and Between-a-man told Brad about her divorce. Then Christy got the rose and Bettina figured it was totally because of her ex-hubby. We’re not sure. But we are sure that Christy has an annoying laugh.
And then…Brad’s twin arrives! His “identical” twin, although we can all easily differentiate him from Brad physically…but not aurally. They don’t so much look identical, but when they talk, it sounds like Brad is having a heart-to-heart with himself. I literally laughed out loud. But not as much as when I realized they were named Chad and Brad. What parents do that? Chad also has a wedding ring tan line.
Chad, studied and ready, enters the cocktail party with the ladies and charms them with his unidentical-to-Brad looks. McCarten, the first one to face Chad (and the worst dressed) just doesn’t get it. Lindsey, the “model” from Michigan, is totally won over by “Brad” and her smarts are reaffirmed. She’s basically Einstein.
Sheena immediately realizes something is different. She’s a sweetheart.
Christy does the same. Between-a-man (Bettina) also notices. Stephy and some other chick notice as well. Sarah also thinks he’s different…but she doesn’t really get it.
Roses go to:
1) Stephy
2) Hillary
3) Christy
4) Sheena
5) McCarten
6) Jenni (with an “i”)
7) Jade
8) DeAnna
9) Between-a-Man (Bettina)
Peace out to:
1) Sarah
2) Solisa
3) Lindsey
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Smartest: Lindsey. Chad didn’t even register on her radar.
2) Best Carnie: Jenni with an “i.” She did a double back handspring!
3) Best Voiceover: Chad. Brad and Chad pretty much share a voice.
4) Best use of the phrase “special parts:” Solisa. Honey, we saw your “special parts” last episode when you took your top off.
5) Worst dressed: McCarten at the rose ceremony. Teal meets blue meets green meets vomit.
Until next week,
Mike
Tonight there are three dates: two group dates and a one-on-one.
The first date is a group date, and it involves the circus. Yes, the circus. The Bachelor goes carnie, and I love every minute of it. The troop of carnies are Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsey, Sarah and DeAnna. Brad picks up the girls only to take them to the “Luxury Box” at the circus. Excuse me? Luxury box and circus in the same sentence? Oxymoronic much?
Nothing really happens at the circus except circus freaks, circus acts, and the first rose going to Stephy because she talks about her dad and how amazing he is. Not into it. Oh, and Brad still likes Jenni with an “i” because the chemistry is “beyond words” and because she shakes her ass like a professional dancer. Because that’s what she is. In Phoenix. Another kicker is McCarten referencing her three-year relationship…when she was 13. Amazing. Congrats on dating someone in 8th grade.
The second date is the famed one-on-one. Hillary meets Brad lookin’ all cute, and is immediately bejeweled with $1,000,000 worth of bling. Brilly. Then they fly to San Francisco and have a gay old time. The eat dinner, Hillary cries. They drink champagne, Hillary cries. They have dessert, Hillary cries. And so on. But Brad is wooed by her tears and he gives her a rose. She’s a raging emotional mess, and I love it. Her hair is remarkably huge. Does she have roots in Texas?
The third date reunites Christy, Sheena, Jade, Bettina, and Solisa with their beloved Brad. They go sailing, they ride wave runners, they get pulled over by aqua cops, they confess divorces...you know, all the normal stuff. Yes, Sheena did a power slide and got pulled over, and Between-a-man told Brad about her divorce. Then Christy got the rose and Bettina figured it was totally because of her ex-hubby. We’re not sure. But we are sure that Christy has an annoying laugh.
And then…Brad’s twin arrives! His “identical” twin, although we can all easily differentiate him from Brad physically…but not aurally. They don’t so much look identical, but when they talk, it sounds like Brad is having a heart-to-heart with himself. I literally laughed out loud. But not as much as when I realized they were named Chad and Brad. What parents do that? Chad also has a wedding ring tan line.
Chad, studied and ready, enters the cocktail party with the ladies and charms them with his unidentical-to-Brad looks. McCarten, the first one to face Chad (and the worst dressed) just doesn’t get it. Lindsey, the “model” from Michigan, is totally won over by “Brad” and her smarts are reaffirmed. She’s basically Einstein.
Sheena immediately realizes something is different. She’s a sweetheart.
Christy does the same. Between-a-man (Bettina) also notices. Stephy and some other chick notice as well. Sarah also thinks he’s different…but she doesn’t really get it.
Roses go to:
1) Stephy
2) Hillary
3) Christy
4) Sheena
5) McCarten
6) Jenni (with an “i”)
7) Jade
8) DeAnna
9) Between-a-Man (Bettina)
Peace out to:
1) Sarah
2) Solisa
3) Lindsey
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Smartest: Lindsey. Chad didn’t even register on her radar.
2) Best Carnie: Jenni with an “i.” She did a double back handspring!
3) Best Voiceover: Chad. Brad and Chad pretty much share a voice.
4) Best use of the phrase “special parts:” Solisa. Honey, we saw your “special parts” last episode when you took your top off.
5) Worst dressed: McCarten at the rose ceremony. Teal meets blue meets green meets vomit.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, October 01, 2007
Slip and Fall.
What could be better than a little Bachelor after a long day of work? A ton of wine, and then the Bachelor after a long day of work. Wine makes everything more bearable…especially awkward first kisses placed upon unsuspecting bachelors. McCarten, please don’t do that anymore. I covered my face with a pillow during your sly smooch.
Anyway, let’s get to the meat. And by “meat” I don’t mean Brad’s Adonis-like frame…although it is delicious. I mean the drama. Let’s get to it!
Today is the first of many first group dates. Group dates are no fun and tons of fun all at once. No fun for the hoes, but oh so much fun for me!
The first group date was a day at the races with girls wearing unfortunate dresses and bad hats. That’s pretty much it. Unless you want to talk about the forced kiss placed on Brad by McCarten during their one-on-one. Yes. Disaster. And we love Brad for laughing about it. I have a feeling I like this bachelor. He’s honest and he has no problem laughing at chicks while he talks about them behind their back on camera. Nothing else happens on the first date except for the fact that he gives DeAnna the first rose. A big fat Greek first rose.
Meanwhile, Jersey Trash, I mean Michele, falls and hits her head back at the house. Who cares?
The second date pins the racier gals against Brad (quite literally). The bikini-clad disasters join Brad at a seaside manse for a day of fun and sun in Malibu. The ‘Bu always seems to bring out the drama. Britney driving with her children on her lap (oops…lost custody, Brit?), Solisa declaring she’s a Christian only to take her top off hours later…you get the drift. A minute into the date in Malibu, Brad takes HIS top off and we see the guns. I’ll forgive him for flexing his stomach, but it’s fine. Solisa is a Christian and it makes me feel better. Then Brad makes out with Jenni, while the girls back at home go through her stuff. Seriously, they rifle through her luggage and fine B-Model pics! So mean.
Brad gives the special rose to Sarah, who is cute because she’s from the Midwest. And then the first hot tub experience of the season occurs. Solisa, the Christian, gets out and takes her top off and runs to the ocean. Solisa, the Christian. The one who has morals and values and praises Baby Jesus at every turn, and has enormously fake boobs. That dirty Solisa. And so ends the second date.
And then comes the pre-rose-ceremony. Secrets come out. Bettina (Between-a-man) tells Brad about her divorce. Nevermind, she’s doesn’t. She wanted to, though. But let’s be real here. Her name is Bettina. Of course she’s been divorced. Who could spend eternity with that name? I’m so evil for saying that.
Then the hoes say mean things about Jenni and her modeling portfolio. Awesome. Jenni’s fake tears flow, and it’s so very genuine. Blah blah blah.
Roses:
1) Kristy
2) Bettina (a.k.a Between-a-man). God I’m brilliant.
3) Hillary
4) Stephy
5) Sheena
6) McCarten
7) Jenni
8) Lindsey
9) Jade
10) Solisa, the Christian.
11) DeAnna (from date one)
12) Sarah (from date two)
The ladies to leave are:
1) Michele, the concussion
2) Erin, from Tampa
3) Mallory the Hawaiian
Awards:
1) Best Christian: Solisa. Nothing says “I love Jesus” like taking your top off in front of strangers.
2) Best Slip and Fall: Michele’s fall down the stairs. Oops…hate it when that happens.
3) Best new nickname: Between-A-Man (Bettina, the once-married suitress).
Until next week, keep your tops on. Or take them off if you’re Christians.
Mike
Anyway, let’s get to the meat. And by “meat” I don’t mean Brad’s Adonis-like frame…although it is delicious. I mean the drama. Let’s get to it!
Today is the first of many first group dates. Group dates are no fun and tons of fun all at once. No fun for the hoes, but oh so much fun for me!
The first group date was a day at the races with girls wearing unfortunate dresses and bad hats. That’s pretty much it. Unless you want to talk about the forced kiss placed on Brad by McCarten during their one-on-one. Yes. Disaster. And we love Brad for laughing about it. I have a feeling I like this bachelor. He’s honest and he has no problem laughing at chicks while he talks about them behind their back on camera. Nothing else happens on the first date except for the fact that he gives DeAnna the first rose. A big fat Greek first rose.
Meanwhile, Jersey Trash, I mean Michele, falls and hits her head back at the house. Who cares?
The second date pins the racier gals against Brad (quite literally). The bikini-clad disasters join Brad at a seaside manse for a day of fun and sun in Malibu. The ‘Bu always seems to bring out the drama. Britney driving with her children on her lap (oops…lost custody, Brit?), Solisa declaring she’s a Christian only to take her top off hours later…you get the drift. A minute into the date in Malibu, Brad takes HIS top off and we see the guns. I’ll forgive him for flexing his stomach, but it’s fine. Solisa is a Christian and it makes me feel better. Then Brad makes out with Jenni, while the girls back at home go through her stuff. Seriously, they rifle through her luggage and fine B-Model pics! So mean.
Brad gives the special rose to Sarah, who is cute because she’s from the Midwest. And then the first hot tub experience of the season occurs. Solisa, the Christian, gets out and takes her top off and runs to the ocean. Solisa, the Christian. The one who has morals and values and praises Baby Jesus at every turn, and has enormously fake boobs. That dirty Solisa. And so ends the second date.
And then comes the pre-rose-ceremony. Secrets come out. Bettina (Between-a-man) tells Brad about her divorce. Nevermind, she’s doesn’t. She wanted to, though. But let’s be real here. Her name is Bettina. Of course she’s been divorced. Who could spend eternity with that name? I’m so evil for saying that.
Then the hoes say mean things about Jenni and her modeling portfolio. Awesome. Jenni’s fake tears flow, and it’s so very genuine. Blah blah blah.
Roses:
1) Kristy
2) Bettina (a.k.a Between-a-man). God I’m brilliant.
3) Hillary
4) Stephy
5) Sheena
6) McCarten
7) Jenni
8) Lindsey
9) Jade
10) Solisa, the Christian.
11) DeAnna (from date one)
12) Sarah (from date two)
The ladies to leave are:
1) Michele, the concussion
2) Erin, from Tampa
3) Mallory the Hawaiian
Awards:
1) Best Christian: Solisa. Nothing says “I love Jesus” like taking your top off in front of strangers.
2) Best Slip and Fall: Michele’s fall down the stairs. Oops…hate it when that happens.
3) Best new nickname: Between-A-Man (Bettina, the once-married suitress).
Until next week, keep your tops on. Or take them off if you’re Christians.
Mike
Monday, September 24, 2007
The tears begin.
Welcome back to your favorite reading experience of the week. Since the last season, my life has not changed. I am still famous and I am still amazing.
And on to the show! Four months later, the best television show, on, well, television is back. And those of us that cherish quality programming couldn’t be happier. Those of us that cherish quality programming also don’t tune into shows like ABC’s The Bachelor.
The 82nd season begins with The Sexiest Bachelor Ever’s life story. Little Brad Womack grew up in privilege in Atlanta amidst the pristine White Flight suburbs that evoke all the best connotations of the South. Soon his Daddy boned the help and they lost all their money. Hotlanta quickly becomes Texas Trailer Trash, and Brad learns what it’s like to be poor. Then he skips college to work on an oil rig and now he’s living the dream as a bar owner. Truly an American success story.
Will he prove to be the Sexiest Bachelor Ever? Time will tell. But the shower scenes bode well for his race for the prize, if I must say so myself.
But on to the bitches. Big fat mess. Possibly three dresses were cute. Most were ehhh, and a few were downright horrifying. As a connoisseur of fashion (newly appointed), I must say it was a poor showing on behalf of the ladies. Another poor showing? The racial diversity. Literally there was a token black girl and maybe a half-Asian and that’s all. I mean…
Some highlights: Sheena’s paper-shredder dress; Bettina’s, Tauni’s, Solisa’s, and McCarten’s names; Solisa’s ginormous jugs; Solisa’s job as an “esthetician.” And this was before he entered the party!
The sh*tshow begins soon after they ladies arrive. Drinks are served, stories of broken faces are shared, and padded boob cups come out of dresses. And then Juli (without an “e”) performs the human pretzel. And then Melissa, who is hammered, loses the boob cup. And then Morgan shows us her webbed feet. And then Brad reacts to the feet by laughing so hard he cries. And then Mallory gets in the pool. And then, well, you get the point. What a mess. Who the eff are these girls? And who raised them?!?
Brad gives the First Impression Rose to Jenni, a dancer with the Phoenix Suns who doesn’t appear to dance all that well. She also appears to be a Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike complete with big hair and big forehead. Let’s just say, I wasn’t particularly impressed.
After a wee bit of deliberation, Brad chooses his suitors.
1) Jenni
2) Jade
3) Bettina
4) McCarten
5) Hillary
6) DeAnna
7) Michele
8) Sheena
9) Estefania
10) Erin
11) Solisa
12) Lindsey
13) Sarah
14) Mallory
15) Kristy
Tonight’s awards:
Wastoid Wino/Trainwreck: Melissa
Best job: Esthetician. In case you were wondering, Solisa gives facials.
Biggest Ta-Tas: Solisa’s.
Until next week…
Mike
And on to the show! Four months later, the best television show, on, well, television is back. And those of us that cherish quality programming couldn’t be happier. Those of us that cherish quality programming also don’t tune into shows like ABC’s The Bachelor.
The 82nd season begins with The Sexiest Bachelor Ever’s life story. Little Brad Womack grew up in privilege in Atlanta amidst the pristine White Flight suburbs that evoke all the best connotations of the South. Soon his Daddy boned the help and they lost all their money. Hotlanta quickly becomes Texas Trailer Trash, and Brad learns what it’s like to be poor. Then he skips college to work on an oil rig and now he’s living the dream as a bar owner. Truly an American success story.
Will he prove to be the Sexiest Bachelor Ever? Time will tell. But the shower scenes bode well for his race for the prize, if I must say so myself.
But on to the bitches. Big fat mess. Possibly three dresses were cute. Most were ehhh, and a few were downright horrifying. As a connoisseur of fashion (newly appointed), I must say it was a poor showing on behalf of the ladies. Another poor showing? The racial diversity. Literally there was a token black girl and maybe a half-Asian and that’s all. I mean…
Some highlights: Sheena’s paper-shredder dress; Bettina’s, Tauni’s, Solisa’s, and McCarten’s names; Solisa’s ginormous jugs; Solisa’s job as an “esthetician.” And this was before he entered the party!
The sh*tshow begins soon after they ladies arrive. Drinks are served, stories of broken faces are shared, and padded boob cups come out of dresses. And then Juli (without an “e”) performs the human pretzel. And then Melissa, who is hammered, loses the boob cup. And then Morgan shows us her webbed feet. And then Brad reacts to the feet by laughing so hard he cries. And then Mallory gets in the pool. And then, well, you get the point. What a mess. Who the eff are these girls? And who raised them?!?
Brad gives the First Impression Rose to Jenni, a dancer with the Phoenix Suns who doesn’t appear to dance all that well. She also appears to be a Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike complete with big hair and big forehead. Let’s just say, I wasn’t particularly impressed.
After a wee bit of deliberation, Brad chooses his suitors.
1) Jenni
2) Jade
3) Bettina
4) McCarten
5) Hillary
6) DeAnna
7) Michele
8) Sheena
9) Estefania
10) Erin
11) Solisa
12) Lindsey
13) Sarah
14) Mallory
15) Kristy
Tonight’s awards:
Wastoid Wino/Trainwreck: Melissa
Best job: Esthetician. In case you were wondering, Solisa gives facials.
Biggest Ta-Tas: Solisa’s.
Until next week…
Mike
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tessa and Andy: SO over!
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20051896,00.html
It's official people, our beloved couple has ended their engagement. Tessa and Andy are done.
Off to drink away my sorrows...
It's official people, our beloved couple has ended their engagement. Tessa and Andy are done.
Off to drink away my sorrows...
Thursday, August 09, 2007
And the new bachelor? Texas McDrunky!
Just 2.5 months ago, our beloved Andy and Tessa embarked upon their lives together (what, no break-up yet?), and ABC has already announced Bachelor Version 82.
No need to read the lengthy bio on the ABC page, though. I've summarized it below.
A 34-year-old, bar-owning college dropout who owns four bars and wears ill-fitting blazers (see blazer above, and the classy microsuede number on the ABC site)! Basically, he's a dream. If your dream involves a life in a suburban Texas trailer park...
Until September 24,
Mike
Monday, May 21, 2007
The Finale, or, "I Freakin' Love You!"
Please tell me I wasn’t the only one with a racing heart in the opening moments of the show. Seriously. Has my live devolved into this? Do I really live for Monday nights during which I can see “real” people “fall in love” on national television in a series of well-planned-out scenarios? Who am I kidding? Of course this is my life. And I love it.
It’s the night we’ve been living for for the last few months: tonight is the finale of Bachelor, Officer and a Gentleman (writing that makes me laugh a little bit). It’s the OG’s big night, so let’s put on our party dresses and get to business. (For those of you who have seen me in a dress…you know how good I look right now.) And then ABC throws more of the “Love lift us up where we belong” in our faces, and I vomit.
The show officially begins back on Lancaster, PA, Andy’s hometown. The all-American colonial house is just too all-American for me, but it’s fine. Then we meet the family who seem to happily inhabit the all-American home and all-American lifestyle, in their farmhouse-chic décor. OK, “chic” is a bit generous, let’s be honest. Upon meeting the family, I’m not really sure where Andy’s good looks come from…I’m just sayin’.
Tessa arrives first, and Andy totally lights up. Sidenote: the Mom-Future-Daughter-in-Law hug reveals Andy’s mom’s butterfly clip in her hair…not cute. From the get go, the family sits her down and grills her. Sidenote #2: Tessa’s shirt is horrendous. It might possibly match the “farmhouse-chic” thing the Baldwin’s have going on. At lunch we hear about Andy’s parents meeting at the Cornell library. Grandpa asks Tessa about her religion, it’s uncomfortable, but then we turn to Tessa’s career in social work, and then to her life in five years. Worst question ever. What would I say? Clearly I’ll be famous, but what else?
Andy’s red-headed sister gets to the dirt and asks Tessa about her feelings for Andy, her intentions, and her desire to move and continue the relationship. Besides the sister’s eye make-up, it was cute. Overall the first meeting of the parents went well, and Tessa is on her way.
A couple hours later, Bevin arrives to Farmtown, USA, and the family is forced to eat another large meal together. I’m totally not a fan of having the families meet the two girls on the same day, but, then again, I’m also not a fan of Bevin. So who cares? Bevin arrives, looking cute, and the evening begins. Sidenote #3: How much do we love the silent grandma’s velour track suit? I’m just dying!
Bevin begins talking about her work, and then she launches into her studies regarding libido and sexual dysfunction, and Grandpa gets a bit worried. Then she talks about her Bahai faith, and, well, it didn’t go over too well. The family then catches on to the fact that they have a physical connection, but is that all? Mom is super intuitive and calls Andy out on the fact that he is justifying his feelings for Bevin. I love it! I don’t love Mom’s sweater. But let’s get back to Grandma’s track suit.
After dinner, Bevin opens up more and laughs quite a bit while chatting with the family and looking at slides of Andy as a child with an outty (sp?) belly button. Wait…does Andy really like her? And with that, she heads home.
Overall, I actually felt like Bevin fared a little better meeting the family, but the jury’s still out.
Now, on to Family Time. Mom goes back into intuitive mode, and I love it. Totally love that she sees that Andy thrives off Bevin being crazy for him. Grandpa brings up the point that Tessa is a bit guarded, because he likes her more. Then Grandpa says Andy is “turned on” by Bevin, and I’m embarrassed. Grandpa is totally pushing Tessa, and it’s cute. No one in the family has serious issues with either woman, though, and it leaves Andy in a pickle.
Back in Hawaii, the last dates begin. Bevin joins Andy in Oahu, and the heat is on. Is Andy able to see a life with her? Or does he just want one last bone session? No time to worry too much, because they’re getting in a helicopter and Bevin starts giggling and making weird noises. Basically she needs to shut up. No one wants to spend their life with a cackling, bumbling idiot. Shhhh…
Up in the air, she squeaks some more as they fly over the Hawaiian coast. It’s romantic after she shuts up. Then the two go on a nature hike, and he grills her a bit. “Would you be happy here with me?” he asks. Tough one to answer, admittedly, but she does her best. In typical bachelor fashion, he can reassure her because that’s how the show rolls. Then he makes her put herself more out on the line by saying, “I want to hear you say this is what you want.” So not fair. But whatever.
The night begins with the two on a veranda and Andy says, “I’m in frickin’ love.” I’m sorry, WHAT?!?!? I just don’t have energy to analyze this statement right now because I need more wine. They make out for 82 hours. Bevin gives him a present which includes a sweet card and a horrifically ugly watch. I was expecting so much more. G String anyone? Then Bevin says, “I love you,” in a disgustingly cheesy way. And I hate it. You can’t pull out “I love you” just to try to win. Wait, is this a first? And then he says, “I LOVE YOU TOO.” WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’m ill. This is just too much. The producers must have been DYING. Holy balls, Andy apparently likes Bevin. But is this all a ploy? We haven’t seen Tessa now for the past 44 minutes (I counted), so there must be something spicy in the future between Andy and his beloved Tessa.
Sidenote #4 (during commercial break). Let’s talk about the pocket gay (mini-gay) at my gym what was wearing a Project Runway (hit Bravo show) t-shirt this evening. It was just too much.
Finally, 49 minutes later, Tessa comes back to Andy. They go horseback riding on the beach, and I’m a bit worried about Tessa falling out of her low-cut shirt, but it’s not really my problem. After a fun ride, they happen upon a beach scene with blanket and water toys all laid out. How did that happen? After a sunset swim, I think Andy is back on track with his feelings for Tessa. It’s probably beer-induced, but what isn’t alcohol-induced on this show? Sometimes I want to move into the bachelor, as if it were a house or something. Just think: endless drinks, tasty food, and lots of make outs. Heaven, anyone? (Again, whomever feels the need to nominate me to be the next bachelor, I’m totally game. Or at least let me be a contestant on the Bachelorette.)
During a romantic room-service dinner, they get to the heart of the issue at hand. He asks big questions, she gives big answers. He has big biceps, she has…big cheeks? Anyway, it gets a bit cuter because she gives him a little gift. Not only is her wrapping better than Bevin's, her love note is cuter (although awkwardly read by Andy), and so is her present. She “doesn’t want to go back to the life she was living before [she] met [him]” and he likes that. She also tells him she loves him. Tessa totally opens up for the first time, and he kisses her. Then he says, “I love you Tessa,” back! Okay, he is a dick or something. You can’t say that twice in a row. The present, by the way, is a cute collage of pictures and memories. “I freakin’ love you…that’s so awesome” says our studied doctor. Wow, has he ever got a way with words! Although it was less steamy than his date with Bevin, he is always more drawn to Tessa’s coy and very real character.
Then, it’s the day we’ve been waiting for. But we can’t get to the big moment without a good 30 minutes of montage: cheesy, deep-in-thought shots of Andy and the two women all alone, pondering their respective futures in the serenity that is Hawaii. It’s basically cinematic genius, and it touches all our hearts. Oh, we also got some good shots of the two remaining ladies crying and talking about their feelings.
And then…it’s on to the final rose ceremony.
Andy positions himself in his ocean-front proposal spot, and awaits the two women. My heart is racing like I just finished spin class. But spinning ended at 7:15pm, so this is all Bachelor-induced.
Bevin arrives first. I’m nervous. And then (you guys, my heart is SERIOUSLY racing) he breaks up with her while starting to cry. Before he says it, she knows it’s over. Wait, it’s a little bit sad. And then he smudges her eye make up to make it look like he punched her in the face. She’s not having it. She has nothing to say, and he is totally torn up about it. Holy awkward and uncomfortable. I can bet you 82 bucks that walk to the limo was Andy’s least favorite part so far. He says, “I will never forget you.” Really? Like it’s even a possibility that you would? And then Bevin has her camera time while weeping.
Andy then has to pull it together. Does anyone else wonder how much time he has between heart-break and proposal? I’m totally curious. 10 minutes? Two hours? Enough time to quickly swim/bike/run an Ironman? Most likely the latter, seeing as we’re dealing with an Officer and a Gentleman here.
Then he awaits his “wish come true” to arrive. Tessa approaches Andy hesitantly, and Andy gets right to the point. Or…well…he gives her a speech of sorts first, and then he gets on one knee. She cries, he talks some more, and asks her to marry him! She says yes! It’s a miracle. (Page Six, you suck. How dare you say she doesn’t say yes!)
And…well, “Love lifts us up where we belong.” And up comes my dinner.
Until next season!
Mike
p.s. Why the last scene with Tessa wearing the dog tags? Why?
It’s the night we’ve been living for for the last few months: tonight is the finale of Bachelor, Officer and a Gentleman (writing that makes me laugh a little bit). It’s the OG’s big night, so let’s put on our party dresses and get to business. (For those of you who have seen me in a dress…you know how good I look right now.) And then ABC throws more of the “Love lift us up where we belong” in our faces, and I vomit.
The show officially begins back on Lancaster, PA, Andy’s hometown. The all-American colonial house is just too all-American for me, but it’s fine. Then we meet the family who seem to happily inhabit the all-American home and all-American lifestyle, in their farmhouse-chic décor. OK, “chic” is a bit generous, let’s be honest. Upon meeting the family, I’m not really sure where Andy’s good looks come from…I’m just sayin’.
Tessa arrives first, and Andy totally lights up. Sidenote: the Mom-Future-Daughter-in-Law hug reveals Andy’s mom’s butterfly clip in her hair…not cute. From the get go, the family sits her down and grills her. Sidenote #2: Tessa’s shirt is horrendous. It might possibly match the “farmhouse-chic” thing the Baldwin’s have going on. At lunch we hear about Andy’s parents meeting at the Cornell library. Grandpa asks Tessa about her religion, it’s uncomfortable, but then we turn to Tessa’s career in social work, and then to her life in five years. Worst question ever. What would I say? Clearly I’ll be famous, but what else?
Andy’s red-headed sister gets to the dirt and asks Tessa about her feelings for Andy, her intentions, and her desire to move and continue the relationship. Besides the sister’s eye make-up, it was cute. Overall the first meeting of the parents went well, and Tessa is on her way.
A couple hours later, Bevin arrives to Farmtown, USA, and the family is forced to eat another large meal together. I’m totally not a fan of having the families meet the two girls on the same day, but, then again, I’m also not a fan of Bevin. So who cares? Bevin arrives, looking cute, and the evening begins. Sidenote #3: How much do we love the silent grandma’s velour track suit? I’m just dying!
Bevin begins talking about her work, and then she launches into her studies regarding libido and sexual dysfunction, and Grandpa gets a bit worried. Then she talks about her Bahai faith, and, well, it didn’t go over too well. The family then catches on to the fact that they have a physical connection, but is that all? Mom is super intuitive and calls Andy out on the fact that he is justifying his feelings for Bevin. I love it! I don’t love Mom’s sweater. But let’s get back to Grandma’s track suit.
After dinner, Bevin opens up more and laughs quite a bit while chatting with the family and looking at slides of Andy as a child with an outty (sp?) belly button. Wait…does Andy really like her? And with that, she heads home.
Overall, I actually felt like Bevin fared a little better meeting the family, but the jury’s still out.
Now, on to Family Time. Mom goes back into intuitive mode, and I love it. Totally love that she sees that Andy thrives off Bevin being crazy for him. Grandpa brings up the point that Tessa is a bit guarded, because he likes her more. Then Grandpa says Andy is “turned on” by Bevin, and I’m embarrassed. Grandpa is totally pushing Tessa, and it’s cute. No one in the family has serious issues with either woman, though, and it leaves Andy in a pickle.
Back in Hawaii, the last dates begin. Bevin joins Andy in Oahu, and the heat is on. Is Andy able to see a life with her? Or does he just want one last bone session? No time to worry too much, because they’re getting in a helicopter and Bevin starts giggling and making weird noises. Basically she needs to shut up. No one wants to spend their life with a cackling, bumbling idiot. Shhhh…
Up in the air, she squeaks some more as they fly over the Hawaiian coast. It’s romantic after she shuts up. Then the two go on a nature hike, and he grills her a bit. “Would you be happy here with me?” he asks. Tough one to answer, admittedly, but she does her best. In typical bachelor fashion, he can reassure her because that’s how the show rolls. Then he makes her put herself more out on the line by saying, “I want to hear you say this is what you want.” So not fair. But whatever.
The night begins with the two on a veranda and Andy says, “I’m in frickin’ love.” I’m sorry, WHAT?!?!? I just don’t have energy to analyze this statement right now because I need more wine. They make out for 82 hours. Bevin gives him a present which includes a sweet card and a horrifically ugly watch. I was expecting so much more. G String anyone? Then Bevin says, “I love you,” in a disgustingly cheesy way. And I hate it. You can’t pull out “I love you” just to try to win. Wait, is this a first? And then he says, “I LOVE YOU TOO.” WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’m ill. This is just too much. The producers must have been DYING. Holy balls, Andy apparently likes Bevin. But is this all a ploy? We haven’t seen Tessa now for the past 44 minutes (I counted), so there must be something spicy in the future between Andy and his beloved Tessa.
Sidenote #4 (during commercial break). Let’s talk about the pocket gay (mini-gay) at my gym what was wearing a Project Runway (hit Bravo show) t-shirt this evening. It was just too much.
Finally, 49 minutes later, Tessa comes back to Andy. They go horseback riding on the beach, and I’m a bit worried about Tessa falling out of her low-cut shirt, but it’s not really my problem. After a fun ride, they happen upon a beach scene with blanket and water toys all laid out. How did that happen? After a sunset swim, I think Andy is back on track with his feelings for Tessa. It’s probably beer-induced, but what isn’t alcohol-induced on this show? Sometimes I want to move into the bachelor, as if it were a house or something. Just think: endless drinks, tasty food, and lots of make outs. Heaven, anyone? (Again, whomever feels the need to nominate me to be the next bachelor, I’m totally game. Or at least let me be a contestant on the Bachelorette.)
During a romantic room-service dinner, they get to the heart of the issue at hand. He asks big questions, she gives big answers. He has big biceps, she has…big cheeks? Anyway, it gets a bit cuter because she gives him a little gift. Not only is her wrapping better than Bevin's, her love note is cuter (although awkwardly read by Andy), and so is her present. She “doesn’t want to go back to the life she was living before [she] met [him]” and he likes that. She also tells him she loves him. Tessa totally opens up for the first time, and he kisses her. Then he says, “I love you Tessa,” back! Okay, he is a dick or something. You can’t say that twice in a row. The present, by the way, is a cute collage of pictures and memories. “I freakin’ love you…that’s so awesome” says our studied doctor. Wow, has he ever got a way with words! Although it was less steamy than his date with Bevin, he is always more drawn to Tessa’s coy and very real character.
Then, it’s the day we’ve been waiting for. But we can’t get to the big moment without a good 30 minutes of montage: cheesy, deep-in-thought shots of Andy and the two women all alone, pondering their respective futures in the serenity that is Hawaii. It’s basically cinematic genius, and it touches all our hearts. Oh, we also got some good shots of the two remaining ladies crying and talking about their feelings.
And then…it’s on to the final rose ceremony.
Andy positions himself in his ocean-front proposal spot, and awaits the two women. My heart is racing like I just finished spin class. But spinning ended at 7:15pm, so this is all Bachelor-induced.
Bevin arrives first. I’m nervous. And then (you guys, my heart is SERIOUSLY racing) he breaks up with her while starting to cry. Before he says it, she knows it’s over. Wait, it’s a little bit sad. And then he smudges her eye make up to make it look like he punched her in the face. She’s not having it. She has nothing to say, and he is totally torn up about it. Holy awkward and uncomfortable. I can bet you 82 bucks that walk to the limo was Andy’s least favorite part so far. He says, “I will never forget you.” Really? Like it’s even a possibility that you would? And then Bevin has her camera time while weeping.
Andy then has to pull it together. Does anyone else wonder how much time he has between heart-break and proposal? I’m totally curious. 10 minutes? Two hours? Enough time to quickly swim/bike/run an Ironman? Most likely the latter, seeing as we’re dealing with an Officer and a Gentleman here.
Then he awaits his “wish come true” to arrive. Tessa approaches Andy hesitantly, and Andy gets right to the point. Or…well…he gives her a speech of sorts first, and then he gets on one knee. She cries, he talks some more, and asks her to marry him! She says yes! It’s a miracle. (Page Six, you suck. How dare you say she doesn’t say yes!)
And…well, “Love lifts us up where we belong.” And up comes my dinner.
Until next season!
Mike
p.s. Why the last scene with Tessa wearing the dog tags? Why?
Monday, May 14, 2007
To Bone or Not to Bone
How excited were we at the beginning? It’s the best episode of the season. One-on-one dates, romantic evenings, and the inevitable first night together (is anyone else remembering the moans we heard from Tina Fabulous and Andrew Firestone a few seasons back?). ABC has since censored the explicit details, but the To Bone or Not to Bone episode is still a keeper.
First things first. Andy looks like a nerd in his Navy outfit. He has no butt, and his misshaped chest is accentuated by his Navy whites. But whatever, the Navy keeps us safe and it’s fun looking at his white boxers through his white pants.
Before the boning begins, Andy welcomes the girls to Hawaii and shows the remaining hoes Pearl Harbor and bits and pieces of American history. One by one, he parades the girls in front of tourists, and it’s awkward. Then, Tessa arrives, and he introduces her to a five-year-old redhead as his “girlfriend” while they toss flowers into the water to commemorate the dead. Hmmm…who does he like most? I’ll let you guess.
The first date starts with the best: Tessa. OG brings Tessa to Kauai for some fast-paced zip-lining action. All I can think about is Bible-beater teen camps, but it’s fine. I had fun at those, and I was amazing at the zip line…until my swimsuit came off in the lake. It’s fine; I’m over it. Tessa and Andy have good times on the zip line, and they kiss while wearing their silly hats and harnesses. Then they’re off to more outdoor adventures on a suspension bridge. During the late afternoon, they hike and have a happy hour with some fruit, wine, and some of Andy’s cheesy Hawaiian knowledge. They kiss. They kiss some more. I’m obsessed with Tessa. Then it gets cheesier and I get nervous and look away from the TV because he calls her “goofy.”
Wearing a horrifying white blazer, Andy greets Tessa for the evening portion of their romantic day together. Tessa looks cute, and they share love talk on a hammock together. Tessa opens up, Andy loves it, he almost proposes. Not really…but really. He’s smitten. [For real though, is anyone else goobed out by Andy when he talks sometimes?] Then they eat sushi and whatever and fall more in love and whatever. Then he pulls out the “To Bone or Not to Bone” note like it’s some surprise. I mean…
He puts the Fantasy Suite on the table, and she accepts. ABC totally led us to think there was drama to be had, but no. Tessa wanted it and so did Andy. During a desserty-type thing, Tessa opens up more and basically admits she’s falling in love with him. The inevitable shirtless/swimsuit bathtub scene ensues. And maybe more…
On the previews for the next two dates, we’re reminded of Andy’s Adonis-like body. It’s great and all, but I’m not into the fact that he clearly shaves his chest. I just have no time for that type of manscaping. Embrace your man hair. It’s hot. Chests were not meant to be shaved. Backs, however? Wax that mess before I barf. [Lesson of the Day: How do I know he shaves his chest? As a student of the male form, one must analyze all parts of the bod to know whether or not chest hair exists. Andy’s hairy arms give it away, in this instance.]
Date two. Danielle and Andy on an ocean catamaran. He pretends he’s happy at the beginning, but we all know he misses Tessa. Then the dolphins arrive and it’s fun. Andy is wearing Ray-Bans and it’s awesome. Is it just me, or does she feel like a sister, not a girlfriend? No time to waste debating this, because shirts quickly come off as they swim and make out while donning snorkels. “Snorkels” and “make out” shouldn’t be in the same sentence, but that’s just me. I also hope that make outs won’t be associated with sisters, so let’s just say they’re not brother and sister.
At dinner Andy surprises Danielle with a psychic reader. Psychic lady speaks in a pseudo-psychic accent and it’s annoying. Then she brings up her old boyfriend. Apparently Danielle hasn’t let go of him. Then the psychic tells Andy to think about how love would decide versus how fear would decide when it comes to the impending engagement. Deep. Profound. Stupid.
Then (surprise!) the “To Bone” note comes out and they spend the night together in a suite that is fantastic.
The last date reunites Bevin and Andy on yet another Hawaiian outdoor adventure. On the slate today: is there more than a physical connection between the two lovebirds? To find that out, he takes her kayaking down a dirty river and swimming in a dirty waterfall. She’s wearing a stupid newsie cap. They hike through the rainforest, and their conversation is predictably awkward. Andy feels “electricity in his soul” when he’s with Bevin and that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Then they jump in the waterfall and make out in the dirty water. E. Coli anyone? I certainly hope not. Oh, and Bevin has gross tattoos that I’m completely not into. Then Andy tells her that he “saved the best for last” since she’s the last of the three dates. Not nice. Totally the wrong thing to say.
The evening portion is a private luau. They dance like idiots. And then they have serious talk about her shady past. The fantasy suite bone fest happens next. They pretend they’re going to talk about themselves more in hopes of building a relationship, but they totally realize the “passion” they share. Bevin gets interviewed and she says she loves him. Stressful.
Before the rose ceremony Andy has his ABC-director-induced stressfest about who he’s going to choose. Thus his best friend arrives to talk him off the ledge. Wait for it. Friend’s name: Gatsby?!?!?! Is he kidding? Were his parents kidding? Were they obsessed with raising a moneyed disaster from a fictional town on Long Island? I can’t. The two boys discuss the relative merits of the three girls and Gatsby imparts the profundity of life to Andy. So sweet. But seriously…Gatsby? It’s just too much. Am I seriously referring to a real human being as “Gatsby?”
The Hawaiian rose ceremony is stressful. Tessa and Bevin wear bright colors and Danielle wears black. Is this a hint of things to come?
Yes.
Roses go to Bevin and Tessa.
Danielle goes home in her black dress. I saw it coming from a mile away, but then I got nervous at the last second. But of course I remember that true love always prevails on The Bachelor. Ha!
Awards
1) Worst body art: Bevin’s. Not cute. Tattoo removal anyone?
2) Worst manscaping: Andy’s. Don’t shave your man business. Your chest would be hotter with chest hair…and maybe we wouldn’t notice your malformation as much.
3) Worst goodbye speech: Andy’s words to Danielle. It just sucked. But I loved his tears and she drove away.
4) Most dignified goodbye: Danielle’s. Totally strong. Good for her.
Until next week (season finale!!!),
Mike
p.s. I'm already preparing myself for a huge heartbreak because we all know who I want him to choose.
First things first. Andy looks like a nerd in his Navy outfit. He has no butt, and his misshaped chest is accentuated by his Navy whites. But whatever, the Navy keeps us safe and it’s fun looking at his white boxers through his white pants.
Before the boning begins, Andy welcomes the girls to Hawaii and shows the remaining hoes Pearl Harbor and bits and pieces of American history. One by one, he parades the girls in front of tourists, and it’s awkward. Then, Tessa arrives, and he introduces her to a five-year-old redhead as his “girlfriend” while they toss flowers into the water to commemorate the dead. Hmmm…who does he like most? I’ll let you guess.
The first date starts with the best: Tessa. OG brings Tessa to Kauai for some fast-paced zip-lining action. All I can think about is Bible-beater teen camps, but it’s fine. I had fun at those, and I was amazing at the zip line…until my swimsuit came off in the lake. It’s fine; I’m over it. Tessa and Andy have good times on the zip line, and they kiss while wearing their silly hats and harnesses. Then they’re off to more outdoor adventures on a suspension bridge. During the late afternoon, they hike and have a happy hour with some fruit, wine, and some of Andy’s cheesy Hawaiian knowledge. They kiss. They kiss some more. I’m obsessed with Tessa. Then it gets cheesier and I get nervous and look away from the TV because he calls her “goofy.”
Wearing a horrifying white blazer, Andy greets Tessa for the evening portion of their romantic day together. Tessa looks cute, and they share love talk on a hammock together. Tessa opens up, Andy loves it, he almost proposes. Not really…but really. He’s smitten. [For real though, is anyone else goobed out by Andy when he talks sometimes?] Then they eat sushi and whatever and fall more in love and whatever. Then he pulls out the “To Bone or Not to Bone” note like it’s some surprise. I mean…
He puts the Fantasy Suite on the table, and she accepts. ABC totally led us to think there was drama to be had, but no. Tessa wanted it and so did Andy. During a desserty-type thing, Tessa opens up more and basically admits she’s falling in love with him. The inevitable shirtless/swimsuit bathtub scene ensues. And maybe more…
On the previews for the next two dates, we’re reminded of Andy’s Adonis-like body. It’s great and all, but I’m not into the fact that he clearly shaves his chest. I just have no time for that type of manscaping. Embrace your man hair. It’s hot. Chests were not meant to be shaved. Backs, however? Wax that mess before I barf. [Lesson of the Day: How do I know he shaves his chest? As a student of the male form, one must analyze all parts of the bod to know whether or not chest hair exists. Andy’s hairy arms give it away, in this instance.]
Date two. Danielle and Andy on an ocean catamaran. He pretends he’s happy at the beginning, but we all know he misses Tessa. Then the dolphins arrive and it’s fun. Andy is wearing Ray-Bans and it’s awesome. Is it just me, or does she feel like a sister, not a girlfriend? No time to waste debating this, because shirts quickly come off as they swim and make out while donning snorkels. “Snorkels” and “make out” shouldn’t be in the same sentence, but that’s just me. I also hope that make outs won’t be associated with sisters, so let’s just say they’re not brother and sister.
At dinner Andy surprises Danielle with a psychic reader. Psychic lady speaks in a pseudo-psychic accent and it’s annoying. Then she brings up her old boyfriend. Apparently Danielle hasn’t let go of him. Then the psychic tells Andy to think about how love would decide versus how fear would decide when it comes to the impending engagement. Deep. Profound. Stupid.
Then (surprise!) the “To Bone” note comes out and they spend the night together in a suite that is fantastic.
The last date reunites Bevin and Andy on yet another Hawaiian outdoor adventure. On the slate today: is there more than a physical connection between the two lovebirds? To find that out, he takes her kayaking down a dirty river and swimming in a dirty waterfall. She’s wearing a stupid newsie cap. They hike through the rainforest, and their conversation is predictably awkward. Andy feels “electricity in his soul” when he’s with Bevin and that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Then they jump in the waterfall and make out in the dirty water. E. Coli anyone? I certainly hope not. Oh, and Bevin has gross tattoos that I’m completely not into. Then Andy tells her that he “saved the best for last” since she’s the last of the three dates. Not nice. Totally the wrong thing to say.
The evening portion is a private luau. They dance like idiots. And then they have serious talk about her shady past. The fantasy suite bone fest happens next. They pretend they’re going to talk about themselves more in hopes of building a relationship, but they totally realize the “passion” they share. Bevin gets interviewed and she says she loves him. Stressful.
Before the rose ceremony Andy has his ABC-director-induced stressfest about who he’s going to choose. Thus his best friend arrives to talk him off the ledge. Wait for it. Friend’s name: Gatsby?!?!?! Is he kidding? Were his parents kidding? Were they obsessed with raising a moneyed disaster from a fictional town on Long Island? I can’t. The two boys discuss the relative merits of the three girls and Gatsby imparts the profundity of life to Andy. So sweet. But seriously…Gatsby? It’s just too much. Am I seriously referring to a real human being as “Gatsby?”
The Hawaiian rose ceremony is stressful. Tessa and Bevin wear bright colors and Danielle wears black. Is this a hint of things to come?
Yes.
Roses go to Bevin and Tessa.
Danielle goes home in her black dress. I saw it coming from a mile away, but then I got nervous at the last second. But of course I remember that true love always prevails on The Bachelor. Ha!
Awards
1) Worst body art: Bevin’s. Not cute. Tattoo removal anyone?
2) Worst manscaping: Andy’s. Don’t shave your man business. Your chest would be hotter with chest hair…and maybe we wouldn’t notice your malformation as much.
3) Worst goodbye speech: Andy’s words to Danielle. It just sucked. But I loved his tears and she drove away.
4) Most dignified goodbye: Danielle’s. Totally strong. Good for her.
Until next week (season finale!!!),
Mike
p.s. I'm already preparing myself for a huge heartbreak because we all know who I want him to choose.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Amber causing trouble back at home...
From a devoted reader in the field...
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5283072
Amber is causing her principal major job drama!
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5283072
Amber is causing her principal major job drama!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)