Down to 9

This episode offered many firsts of the season: the first hot tub scene; the first shirtless shot; the first staged movie premiere, you get the picture. There wasn’t too much drama last night, but we all had fun drinking wine and mocking everyone on TV all the same, didn’t we? Or was that just me?

In order to narrow the field of b*tches contending for Matt’s love, there were two one-on-one dates and one group date last night. The lucky winner of one-on-one date number one (wow, lots of “ones” in that sentence) was Holly, the perky blonde who writes children’s books. After the first episode in which she sported unnecessarily perky boobs, I’m starting to like her more. In fact, she seems quite cute and normal, with “normal” being an incredibly relative term here. The date found them at the “premiere” of the movie that apparently sponsored this episode of the Bachelor, “Made of Honor,” starring the very lovable Patrick Dempsey. Gotta love the marketing/advertising world! Sadly, said premiere was an event staged entirely by the show’s producers, complete with hired paparazzi, a fake red carpet, and TV hosts interviewing the premiere’s only attendees: Matt and Holly. It was amazingly embarrassing for me to watch, but whatever. They dipped their paws in cement and wrote cute things like “Matt + Holly” and other silliness. Then they went into the theatre and watched the movie alone while being filmed. Who wants to watch a movie with a big camera light in your face? “Not me,” says the handsome gentleman typing up this blog.

After the movie, the lovebirds go to the Roosevelt Hotel to imbibe, to take a hot tub (we could have used more of Matt’s bod, thankyouverymuch), and to make out a bit. It was all pretty cute, and Matt is clearly a good kisser. Here’s my note: Matt, get over yourself and show us your body. We realize you’re not a triathlete like the previous Officer and a Gentleman, but we’re fine with your somewhat doughy British bod. I mean, that’s what we signed up for, right? We get that you like a crumpet now and then…so just let us see! Matt ends the date by giving Holly a rose, and she’s happy as can be.

The second date brings a bunch of ladies together for a game of “football,” or as we employees of a certain all-American fashion company like to call it, Rugby. The gals looked cute all sported up in their rugby shirts and requisite booty shorts. And as we know, no season of the Bachelor would be complete without the Injury of the Season. Thus, Marshana bit the bullet and bit her lip for the camera so as to fool us into thinking there was really going to be some sort of emergency this episode. Barf. I must say, some girls looked hot in their sporty gear. Noelle, for instance, looked like supermodel, and I loved her. Kinda wanted to make out with her, in fact. I’m not kidding. Legitimate girl crush right here folks.

After the game we had the inevitable massages and fighting for one-on-one time. Robin won that battle as she was given the rose, and Kelly, the massaging drunk, was annoyed.

Meanwhile, back at the manse, crazy Shayne and Holly bond over spray tans. Okay, Holly’s stock went down just a touch when she admitted that she brought her own spray tanner. I’m sorry, what? Who owns a professional-grade spray tanner? And what does one do with a spray tanner all alone? Thoroughly confused…

Lastly, we have the second one-on-one date on which Shayne joins Matt in a hot car and they go wine tasting. Let me start with the outfit. She tramps it up in a little black dress paired with heinous, let me repeat, heinous, white boots. She looked like a street walker a la “Pretty Woman,” and girlfriend can’t compete with Julia Roberts. Thus, she resembled a legitimate ho from Hollywood Boulevard. Then she jumps into defending her career and family once again, trying to play off that her dad really isn’t famous, and he’s just “normal.” Well, clearly he’s normal, since I’ve never heard of him and he’s a big fat flop. Um, Shayne? Your famous dad isn’t famous. Newsflash. He was on “Renegade” for God’s sake. When did that air, 1982? The rest of the date goes as planned until Matt pretends like he actually likes her, and gives her a rose. This is insanity. Does he really like her? I think not. He treats her like a child, which she is, and that does not a marriage make.

Matt arrives at the rose ceremony in a nice brown/pink suit combo, looking like a dapper Brit. The hoes go at each other in typical fashion, and at the end of it, we’re left with nine.

1) Holly
2) Robin
3) Shayne
4) Amanda
5) Ashlee
6) Kelly
7) Chelsea
8) Noelle
9) Marshana (Making major strides, people! This is a record! Our world is changing!)

We wave goodbye to: Erin S., Amy, and Kristine. Wait, who remembered Amy and Kristine? I didn’t even recognize them. We wish Erin the best of luck in her continued quest to sell tasty hot dogs.

Tonight’s awards:

1) Supermodel: Noelle
2) House Drunk: Kelly. Has she ever uttered a sober word since arriving?
3) One Sandwich Short of a Picnic: Shayne. Kudos to Matt for that saying.
4) Most “real” bachelor ever: Matt. Love his sincerity. Too fun.

Until next week,

Mike