Slip and Fall.

What could be better than a little Bachelor after a long day of work? A ton of wine, and then the Bachelor after a long day of work. Wine makes everything more bearable…especially awkward first kisses placed upon unsuspecting bachelors. McCarten, please don’t do that anymore. I covered my face with a pillow during your sly smooch.

Anyway, let’s get to the meat. And by “meat” I don’t mean Brad’s Adonis-like frame…although it is delicious. I mean the drama. Let’s get to it!

Today is the first of many first group dates. Group dates are no fun and tons of fun all at once. No fun for the hoes, but oh so much fun for me!

The first group date was a day at the races with girls wearing unfortunate dresses and bad hats. That’s pretty much it. Unless you want to talk about the forced kiss placed on Brad by McCarten during their one-on-one. Yes. Disaster. And we love Brad for laughing about it. I have a feeling I like this bachelor. He’s honest and he has no problem laughing at chicks while he talks about them behind their back on camera. Nothing else happens on the first date except for the fact that he gives DeAnna the first rose. A big fat Greek first rose.

Meanwhile, Jersey Trash, I mean Michele, falls and hits her head back at the house. Who cares?

The second date pins the racier gals against Brad (quite literally). The bikini-clad disasters join Brad at a seaside manse for a day of fun and sun in Malibu. The ‘Bu always seems to bring out the drama. Britney driving with her children on her lap (oops…lost custody, Brit?), Solisa declaring she’s a Christian only to take her top off hours later…you get the drift. A minute into the date in Malibu, Brad takes HIS top off and we see the guns. I’ll forgive him for flexing his stomach, but it’s fine. Solisa is a Christian and it makes me feel better. Then Brad makes out with Jenni, while the girls back at home go through her stuff. Seriously, they rifle through her luggage and fine B-Model pics! So mean.

Brad gives the special rose to Sarah, who is cute because she’s from the Midwest. And then the first hot tub experience of the season occurs. Solisa, the Christian, gets out and takes her top off and runs to the ocean. Solisa, the Christian. The one who has morals and values and praises Baby Jesus at every turn, and has enormously fake boobs. That dirty Solisa. And so ends the second date.

And then comes the pre-rose-ceremony. Secrets come out. Bettina (Between-a-man) tells Brad about her divorce. Nevermind, she’s doesn’t. She wanted to, though. But let’s be real here. Her name is Bettina. Of course she’s been divorced. Who could spend eternity with that name? I’m so evil for saying that.

Then the hoes say mean things about Jenni and her modeling portfolio. Awesome. Jenni’s fake tears flow, and it’s so very genuine. Blah blah blah.

Roses:
1) Kristy
2) Bettina (a.k.a Between-a-man). God I’m brilliant.
3) Hillary
4) Stephy
5) Sheena
6) McCarten
7) Jenni
8) Lindsey
9) Jade
10) Solisa, the Christian.
11) DeAnna (from date one)
12) Sarah (from date two)

The ladies to leave are:
1) Michele, the concussion
2) Erin, from Tampa
3) Mallory the Hawaiian

Awards:
1) Best Christian: Solisa. Nothing says “I love Jesus” like taking your top off in front of strangers.
2) Best Slip and Fall: Michele’s fall down the stairs. Oops…hate it when that happens.
3) Best new nickname: Between-A-Man (Bettina, the once-married suitress).

Until next week, keep your tops on. Or take them off if you’re Christians.

Mike