To bone, or not to bone? That is the question. It’s Fantasy Date Night, and we’re in Barbados! I’m secretly annoyed that ABC has chosen to host all three Fantasy Dates in the same location, but I understand that we are in lean financial times, and the Hilton Barbados simply must do for now. But honestly? Ain’t nothing Fantasy-like about an American chain hotel. Just sayin’…
Before the first date begins, ABC tries to fool us a bit by playing clips of the girls debating whether or not to bone Matt in the Fantasy Suite. I mean, honestly. We’re in season 82. We know that no one EVER refuses the chance to bone the bachelor. So stop toying with our emotions, and get to the dates already—which is exactly what I’ll do.
Shayne joins Matt on the beach for the beginning of Date One. I love how Matt is wearing full-length khakis while walking in the water. It’s all just a bit awkward to me. Hello? Poorly-paid wardrobe assistant? Where were you when his pants needed rolling? He was soaked and no one took care of him! Again, must be budget cuts…
Shayne is excited to be with Matt for their “first time out of the U.S.A.” Excuse me? Who says “U.S.A.”? It’s the “U.S.” or the “States,” or, if you’re feeling particularly nationalistic, “the country.” But it’s Shayne, and she’s dumb, so we forgive her.
The lovebirds then jet ski around the ocean while Shayne wears the most bizarre swimsuit I’ve ever seen. Since she’s of the portly variety, she clearly doesn’t want to bare skin (can you imagine how that could affect her “acting career?”). Thus, she chooses to sport some sort of 20s pin-up girl swimsuit/wrestling uniform, and looks like a goon.
After a fun day in the sun, Matt and Shayne have a romantic dinner during which Shayne teaches Matt how to kiss on-screen, like actors do. I love how she pretends like she knows. Please…this is her biggest acting gig to date. Shayne tells Matt, “I love being blonde, I’ve been blonde since I was, like, 12.” Amazing. Matt tells her that she’s his “little monkey.” After vomiting, I continue watching. Shayne lets it all out with the bomb: “I’m falling in love with you.” Matt responds with, “I’m falling for you too.” Notice the lack of “love.” Oops.
Matt “surprises” Shayne with the Fantasy Suit card from Chris Harrison, Shayne reads it aloud like a first grader sounding out her first multi-syllabic words, and the inevitable pool scene/champagne/bonefest ensues.
The next day, Amanda and Matt zip-line through the forests of Barbados. He calls her “honey,” she says “like” every five seconds. It’s really dreamy. It’s easy to notice the lack of chemistry here as everything just feels so forced. Amanda is guarded, Matt is more natural; it’s all rather forced. And I literally can’t stand listening to her talk. She’s an idiot. I really have nothing more to say. She fakes herself into wanting to fall in love with him, but anyone who acts like that is moronic if they consider that behavior “loving.”
The last date reunites another guarded one with her lover. Chelsea comes to the date with tons of baggage and it’s super awkward. What could have been a romantic day on a catamaran and swimming with wildlife turns into hours of awkward silence. Matt tries to coax Chelsea into opening up, Chelsea evades him, Matt falls in love with a turtle instead. (For those not familiar, they swam with sea turtles, and the turtles paid more attention to Matt than Chelsea did.) He’s totally upset about it, and not convinced that it’s even worth having dinner.
But, thanks to good editing, dinner was a hit! Chelsea opened up about her feelings for Matt, she confides in him her fears of being hurt, and she’s finally cute with him. Matt is so clearly in to her, and he’s super relieved. It was almost as if Matt was courting Chelsea on this date, as opposed to Chelsea trying to win his heart. You can tell he likes her.
During dinner, though, Matt may have crossed the line a bit with his honesty. He tells her that he’s more in to her than the other girls. Oops. They go to the Fantasy Suite, and she has a surprise for Matt. She slips into something more comfortable (literally, she puts on some lingerie), ABC gratuitously shows her remove her underwear, and they bone. Or at least they wanted to.
At the rose ceremony, Matt, seemingly distraught, chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Chelsea
And he sends Amanda packing. The goodbye was rather painful as Amanda was 100% pissed. She talks too much, continues saying “like” every five seconds, and just gets mad. I’m sure this made it all the easier for Matt to say goodbye, because she was plain annoying. “I’m, like, shocked right now…like…”
Awards:
1) Best couple: Chelsea and Matt
2) Dark horse: Chelsea
3) Going too far award: Matt. Simmer down on your honesty! Who wants an honest, open bachelor?
Until next week,
Mike
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