B*tches Tell All

So I flew back from Barcelona (that's "Barthelona" to you) this afternoon after being upgraded by the boys at the American Airlines counter, and although "I don't blog the B*tches Tell All" episode, I have a few choice thoughts for you as I begin to figure out how I'll be attacking my newly-gained tapas weight at the gym this week. Ahhh, the jet-setting life I live. LA and Barcelona this past week, South Bend, Indiana in two weeks. My life is pure glamour. Almost too glamorous to take a week off from the blog. But you knew I'd do this (both blog and freak out over too many tapas, duh). I have the energy and heart for it. After all, I was able to nap in my fully-flat business class seat, as opposed to what could have happened with the plebes in coach. Can you imagine taking off without having champagne first? It's too much to fathom right now, so on to the episode.

1) There were two dudes in the audience. But only one at a time. Any one else notice that halfway through the episode, the dark-haired guy wearing a purple shirt on the left-most seat of the front row turned in to a light-haired guy wearing a tan blazer? What did they pay the lone straight dudes to show up at the girliest event of the year? And where were the gays?

2) Did Chris have a little spruce-up job? He looked very "refreshed" tonight. Maybe it's the jet lag, but Chris was looking good. Nothing like a little botox to cured the mid-winter blues.

3) This Rozlyn mess is just that, a big mess. We all know she boned the help; why can't she fess up? And how awkward was it when she accused Chris of hitting on the fired producer's wife in New Zealand? That was low. And awkward for Chris!

4) What is with Jake's bad outfits? Why the crewneck sweater under the suit tonight? And what about the tie to come in the finale?!?

5) You could totally hear the ball in Jake's throat as he addressed Ali breaking his heart (after seeing her for the first time since she left). Amazing.

6) I have the tiniest of suspicions that Jake is not happy with what happens. He looked tired, bloated and far too un-tan to be happy. Boy needs a business class trip to Barcelona.

6) The next Bachelorette is totally Ali. If it's not, I quit.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. How about Molly and Jason's upcoming wedding? I have some Grand Rapids hometown heroes who are attending the secretive ceremony and have signed their lives away to ABC so even my mom and her tennis/golf gabbing friends haven't leaked the deets. But the wedding's this weekend!

To Bone or Not To Bone

Kids...I'm blogging from my couch in New York and I woke up in sunny LA. What does that mean? It means I'm famous and I had to do some LA appearances over the long weekend. Bel Air, WeHo, Malibu, Santa Barbara, the Hills...you name it, I was there and so was the paparazzi. I stood by for an earlier flight in order to blog this mess, so stand by for some drama. And let me say, it's such a relief to be back in reality where I'm no longer followed by helicopter-razzi dying for my picture. Let me also say: why do I live in a place where it isn't 75 and sunny in mid-February? Stupid New York.

It's To Bone or Not To Bone night, and we're eagerly awaiting the boning we have all come to expect. Also, our setting this evening is lovely St. Lucia. Thank God that the recession is over (ha) and we're back in the islands.

First up is Gia. The lovers take a boat to the market and hang with the locals. Jake buys Gia a heinous necklace that Gia promises to wear (on her wrist!) for the rest of her life. We'll see if she stays true to that promise. After a wonderful day in paradise (if paradise is hanging with the locals who play dirty plastic canisters as drums), Gia and Jake reunite for a dinner on the beach in Smuggler's Cove. Gia accepts the Fantasy Date proposal and they take a hot bath in more ways than one. And then ABC cuts to commercial. Did they bone? I vote no. She didn't say she loved him and our Jake is a traditional boy.

Next comes Tenley. She wears the cutest dress of the evening as they take a helicopter tour of St. Lucia. Afterwards, they picnic in the rainforest. Is the couple natural enough yet? Does Tenley seem comfortable with Jake, or is she still hung up on her ex? Speaking of the ex, I wish I would have invented the TEDG (Tenley's Ex Drinking Game) earlier. Every time Tenley mentions her ex, viewers must take a shot. I would have taken four this evening...and I would have been sloshed writing this. Instead, I ate the treats Grandma sent in the mail last week. Healthy choices for healthy living. At dinner, Tenley tells Jake that she's falling in love with him, and Jake is touched. After pretending that the Fantasy Date Suite is a big deal earlier in the date, Tenley quickly accepts the proposal. Jake is totally falling for her, and by this point in the date, I'm convinced that she really does like Jake. And Jake LOVES her values and moral compass. Do they bone? I bet not. But I'm guessing we had some third base action going on.

Last up is the last place mess (in my mind), Vienna. They spend the day on a pirate ship because Vienna is 12. The make out session on the bow is underscored by a symphony playing "On the Wings of Love," and I vomit up the treats I referenced earlier. The lovers frolic on the beach and roll around in the sand in a very PG-13 sort of way. We'll pretend like Jake doesn have backne during this date, and we'll move on. At dinner, Vienna (surprise!) tells Jake she's falling in love with him, amidst numerous idiotic comments. Jake is totally in to Vienna, and we're still stumped. Does he really see spending his life with her?!? I mean, sure, she's good for a bone on the beach, but do you want that mess sharing a bed with you for life? At least he admits before dinner that he needs to find the "substance to her heart." Um...you and the rest of America. Bad dresses, horrific bikinis, and hip tattoos can only get a girl so far in life. We need some substance, people. But as Jake digs for her substance at dinner, he also asks her what kind of engagement ring she would like. Jigga WHAT?!?!?! She says something about bling and we all barf. Later, she accepts the Fantasy Date proposal, changes in to lingerie for him, and they totally bone.

Next comes the least surprising part of the episode: Ali calls Jake to say she's made a mistake. DUH. No one is surprised. She wants to come back and apologizes profusely and Jake is a confused mess. He totally wants her back, but he let's his head make the decision and tells Ali that he is further along with the other girls and doesn't think it's a good idea for her to return. Ali is crushed, and her employer (Facebook) wins. Sad. But guess who the next Bachelorette will be? Total foregone conclusion. Bye Ali...we love you...and we'll see you this summer back on ABC!

Next, Jake watches the always-uncomfortable video messages from the three girls, and we're at the rose ceremony.

1) Tenley
2) Vienna

Bye: Gia. Let's be honest...we're not surprised. But let me say this: Gia's goodbye to Jake was perhaps the most graceful and well-delivered goodbye in history. I now respect her and her Staten Island roots more than I ever have, and I honestly feel badly for her. Who knew swimsuit models had feelings? I also feel bad that she was sweating like a whore in church while saying her goodbye, and the fools on set who didn't offer up a hanky for that mess should be punished.

Meanwhile, can we address the fact that Vienna is in the top two? I mean, we're not surprised, and rumors in the blogosphere are as good as truth; but she is a mess and I can't handle it. And who wears a pooch-accentuating-floorlength-diamond-bedazzled dress in St Lucia's tropical climate? What is Jake thinking?

Another note: how much would I pay to know what was going through Tenley's head as she stood there with Jake and Vienna at the end? I'm thinking it's something in the realm of, "OMG I am so much better than this tranny mess but I would never say that on camera in my baby voice because I'm not the b*tch this season...I'm the divorcee who has only boned her ex and I'm too sweet to really say that." Just sayin'...

Awards:
1) Worst editing: ABC. What happened to the days of audio from the Fantasy Suite after the doors are shut? I'm talking sex noises people...where are they? Oh, if we could only re-visit the Andrew Firestone days...
2) Surprise: Jake's "no" to Ali. :(
3) Worst dress: Vienna's rose ceremony dress. Surprise!
4) Sweatiest: Gia. Do you think she sweats like that on a swimsuit shoot? Eeek.

Until the Finale (I don't blog the "B*tches Tell All" episode...duh),

Mike

Bache-saster

Ladies and gentleladies, we may have just witnessed The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever. I hate to say it, but ABC may have actually told the truth for once. It's too soon to determine if it was actually TMDRCE, but I gotta feelin'...

It's hometown date night, and our first stop is the Jersey Shore!! Oh wait...it's actually New York, but it felt like next season's spin off of the Jersey Shore. It will hereby be titled The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love. But back to the action, Jake meets Gia and they tour the city via boat. Later, the lovers meet her family at a tragic restaurant on 85th and 2nd. The cast of The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love includes Gia, her mom Donna, the step dad, the stepbrother (hereafter known as "The Occasion"), and some dumb little brother figure who didn't get a hot second of air time. In short, the mom is a hot mess who requires subtitles and also drinks white wine on ice, The Occasion is a vision of Staten Island glory with Versace shades and enough hair gel to ignite a city block, and the other two are forgettable. The family questions Jake as to whether or not he'd "have her back" in light of trouble, as though they were entering into the West Side Story redux or something. It was brilliant. It was totally Landfill of Love. Quote of the night, courtesy of The Occasion: "If I have to hunt you down and break a few legs, I will." Aww, touching.

Date two takes us to idyllic Williamstown, MA. Nothing like the Berkshires to instill a little love. Here, Jake and Ali reunite and we realize all over again why they're the best couple on the show. She is too cute for words, and the whole day is a success. From visiting dead Grandma's house, to a nice night with the family (mom, sis and bro), it just feels right. Granted, the dinner looked gross, but overall, it was great. The mom envisions them getting married. Ali agrees, when she says, "If you asked me today I would say yes." Yay! We love Ali and Jake. It's a marriage in the making!

Next, we travel to Newburg, Oregon to meet Tenley and her cute family. At first it feels a little forced and fake, but then that goes out the window when Tenley performs a choreographed dance to Pachelbel's "Canon in D," (better known as every woman's wedding march). It was awkward, I wanted to mute the TV, but Tenley has killer calves and nice moves. Heinous yet touching. Next, we head to her house where we meet her cute family. Mom, Dad and Sister eagerly await the couple's arrival, and they all cry when they arrive. The tears continue through the steak dinner, during the one-on-one time with the two parents and Jake, and again at the end. But overall, the family is very cute, the date was touching, and their house was quaint and cute. They all give Jake their blessing. Mom admits that Tenley will have "emotional spillovers" for some time about her ex-husband (who was mentioned far too much throughout the day), but if anyone is prepared to love again, it is Tenley. Jake's fears about her ex-husband are allayed. So yay for Tenley and her cute family. She finally seemed to relax by the end of the date, and she didn't seem as uncomfortable. Is there a true romance brewing?

Last, it's the hometown date we've all been waiting for. We travel south to the gator-infested waters of Florida, where we meet the hair-dye-infested Vienna and her tragic, most likely incestuous family. After a sassy little pontoon boat ride, we get right down to business. We meet the family: Mom, Dad, Sister and Chihuahua in pink. Upon seeing his daughter, Dad begins to cry. The Vienna cries, and the weirdness begins. Is there something going on with Dad and V? Am I reading too much in to what seems to be an awkward relationship? Dad quickly whisks Jake away to his toolshed where he puts this little treasure out there for all of us to enjoy (re-worded because I couldn't actually listen when he delivered it): "I treat my daughter like a princess, and I'd expect the same out of you. If you treat her like a princess, you'll come home and the house will be cleaned, the kids will be raised..." Wow, nothing like a father who has only the highest hopes and respect for his daughter. Quick question: any one else think Dad looks like a mix between a cross-eyed gator hunter and Saddam Hussein? Yeah...thought so. Back at dinner, the family enjoys some tasty hot dogs and beans (we're in the middle of Florida near a river, what do you expect?), and the family isn't surprised that everyone is jealous (or hates) of their little Vienna. Question number two: would anyone be surprised if no one in Vienna's family knew that Vienna was actually a beautiful city in Austria? Yeah...didn't think so. After dinner, the lovebugs go make out in Vienna's bedroom next to the picture of Vienna kissing her father. I won't comment. What I will comment on is when Dad walks in on them making out. I secretly think he wanted to join. The date soon ends, and we all take a break to shower off the nasty from witnessing this special dad/daughter relationship. Shout out to my couchmate and lovebug for the shower comment.

Back at the Beverly Wilshire, we're all set to get dressed to ditch a girl at the next rose ceremony when the drama really heats up. Ali drops the bomb on Jake, letting him know that it's either him or her job...as in she'll be fired if she stays on the show any longer. Okay, let me begin. 1) This happened last season with Ed and I'm over it. 2) Don't contestants have to have this cleared with their employers BEFORE they come on the show? 3) How douchey does Ali's boss feel for making her choose between work and love? As Ali breaks down, Jake gives unfailingly good advice, but stops short of really asking her to stay. It's a mess, and I predicted this last week (with the help of some key Bachelorites).

Later that evening, Ali arrives in a cute dress looking, unfortunately, a bit dissheveled. Poor thing. The girls line up one by one, and Ali soon asks for some time with Jake, where we anticipate her decision. Will she stay or will she go? Ali is a mess, Jake is emotional, and he finally lays it on her: "I don't want you to go." He also says he's falling in love and he'd be devastated if you left. FINALLY! Thank goodness he put it out there. He even said, "You weren't on the line tonight." Gotta love Jake's honesty. After Ali says, "I love you" (yep, she went there), we're left with more tears, sobs, and eventually she delivers it: "I have to go." Trainwreck. I'm seriously pissed, but I'll sleep at night knowing she'll totally reappear. She just has to. The couple says goodbye with a hot and emotional kiss, and she drives away into the night. Jake is totally a mess, and he admits that he's heartbroken once again. But he pulls it together for the non-rose ceremony to come. Sidenote: how fun would it be to have listened to the conversation of the girls in waiting as Ali and Jake said their goodbyes?

Jake reappears to the remaining girls (two messy, one normal) with a gloriously fake smile and news that there will be no rose ceremony.
1) Tenley
2) Gia
3) Vienna

Awards:
1) Cutest family: Tenley's
2) Creepiest dad: Vienna's
3) Biggest mistake: Jake not telling Ali he loved her.
4) Worst employer: Ali's
5) Worst watch: Chris's blingy mess at the rose ceremony. Who cares if it's Cartier if it's that loud?
6) Comeback kid award: Ali. She'll be back.

Until next week,
Mike

Because Spreading Rumors is Fun

Rumors I've heard (and decided to spread) this week. Stay tuned for verification.

1) Ali leaves voluntarily during the next episode.
2) Vienna wins.
3) Tenley is pregnant. Not sure about this one.

Discuss.

You're Just a Virgin Who Can't Drive

We've driven up the coast a bit further for a little San Francisco treat. Out of the RVs and into the Intercontinental we go. Our setting for this episode is the Mark Hopkins Hotel, on the "crest" of lovely Nob Hill. Talk about an upgrade. One night you're in an RV, the next you're in a palace. So there are five girls left, and next week is Jake-meets-the-parents week. Who's getting the boot? Will he keep the one and only brunette (Gia) and ditch one of the four blondes?

The first one-on-one date goes to Tenley. It's a chill date strolling around Chinatown (barf) followed by a nice dinner. We all agree that Tenley is cute, but she's not that comfortable around him. It felt very "first date-y," and I don't think she's doing herself any favors. Later, Jake wears a turtleneck at dinner, and brings us all down with his poor style choice. Overall, it's blah.

Meanwhile, the tension is building at the hotel. Will the two-on-one date be between mortal enemies Ali and Vienna (gasp)? Corrie gets the date card and reads out the names. Ali and Vienna!!!! Ha! She lets the drama sink in for a hot minute until she cuts the tension with a knife and says the date will be with Gia and Vienna. Ali about died and we loved it.

So the two-on-one is Gia and Vienna at a castle-like vineyard in Napa. "Jake" sends the girls a trunk of clothes for the date (I love how the girls think that Jake is actually packing trunks of clothing as if he'd know what they'd want to wear). But then again...who is packing these trunks filled with sequins and utterly un-cute loud prints and slutty tops? We've got a job opening in the wardrobe department, people! Gia chooses a lovely teal turtleneck lace top and a metallic bra (yes, you read that correctly), Vienna predictably chooses a pink sequin tank top, and off they go to the castle. The date is inevitably uncomfortable as awkward Vienna makes it all about herself, and Gia is the third wheel. It's tacky, just like her skin, hair, and make up. Until, Jake and Gia go make out in some grotto within the castle. Then...duh...Vienna interrupts them because she needs more me time. At the end of the date, it seems as though Gia is the big winner. He's comfortable with her, and he's distant with Vienna. They all spend the night at the castle, Vienna sneaks in to Jake's room (surprise!). Overall, it's fine. Vienna is dumb. Gia wins.

The next date is between Corrie and Jake. Key take-away from this one: Corrie is a virgin. She wants to wait until marriage, and she doesn't want to live with her husband until they're hitched. Jake played it coolly, but you know he was like "WHA?!?!?!" internally. Basically, she just screwed her chances in her virgin-like way.

The last date is what we've all been waiting for: Ali and Jake. Finally the San Franciscan gets to show Jake around her city and prove to him once again that she's the one for him. A very booby and cute Ali takes to the streets with Jake. We think they're matching in their blue outfits for a second until we realize Ali is wearing purple. Phew. The chemistry is obviously there between them as they wander the streets, buy flowers, mount each other in a park, and ruin their clothes while playing in the ocean. Was anyone else concerned about her knee-high boots in the waves? Hello? And was anyone else a little thrown off by Ali's public mounting of Jake's business in the park? It was a bit much and she could have easily mooned innocent passersby.

At the rose ceremony, there are no surprises. Jake tells the camera before the ceremony that he likes Vienna, so all guesses were out the window.

1) Tenley
2) Ali
3) Gia
4) Vienna (duh...it was so obvious)

Adios Corrie!

Awards.:
1) Quote: "Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my sensual side." - Corrie. Um...yes it does. That's exactly what it means. You're in "touch" with nothing.
2) Front runners: Ali, with Gia a close second.
3) Tampa Trash: Vienna

Drama we all expected

So Mr. Perfect proves to us tonight that he doesn't play by the rules. He follows his heart, he lets a tear or two shed, and he kicks b*tches off left and right! Yowza...let's get to it.

Tonight, the girls hop on RVs and take a California road trip up the coast. We're already doen with the mansion in LA! Three dates tonight: a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one. After a drive up the PCH, the RVs pull off at a lovely vineyard where the plaid-shirt wearing Jake Bunyan greets them with a hug.

The one-on-one goes to Gia, who appropriately wears a kimono and stilettos on their rustic date on the vineyard. Her NY (or is it Jersey?) accent comes out on the date, which is slightly appalling, but all in all, Gia isn't too bad. They share stories of nerdy pasts, play a little spin the bottle, and share dogs and s'mores by the campfire later on. They snuggle up and get closer throughout the date, and Gia reveals herself to be more than a pretty (swimsuit model pretty) face. She's cute and little "off" and Jake likes her. She gets a rose.

The second date is up the coast a little further, at Pismo Beach. Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna, and Corrie get dirty on the beach with dune buggies, sand surfing and a picnic. First off, everyone hates Vienna. Second, so do I. Third, the date is cute and fun and Jake likes seeing the girls let loose. Later, they head to an inn so they can clean up and have a nice dinner in a really ugly and gaudy pink dining room. Jake has alone time with all the girls, but not before Vienna declares that she'd like the last one-on-one so she can be the last girl to kiss him. Vomit. She probably just wanted extra time to spruce her mall bangs and apply some extra orange self tanner. Vienna finally gets her time with Jake and he broaches the subject of her being a raging coot. Actually, he just raises some red flags with her in a nice Jake-ish way, and she pretty much ignores them and wants to focus on herself. Jessie, conveniently manages to NOT get any air time once again, thereby sealing her fate. Also during the date, Jake ensures that Tenley is indeed over her ex-husband, and at the end of the date, he gives her the rose.

The last date is the dreaded two-on-one, in lovely Big Sur. What a nightmare. Not Big Sur--that part is great--but who would ever want to go on a date with an objection of affection and another ho? Not me, for one. Someone is always the third wheel. Or are they? At the outset, it appears as though Kathryn will be playing the supporting role of "Third Wheel." For starters, Jake and Ella drink red, and Kat drinks white. Totaly outsider. Then, Jake pays most of his attention to Ella during dinner, and takes her outside afterwords to chat. Kathryn is left cold and alone with her wine (at which point, if I were her, I would have chugged and refilled 12 times). But wait! Jake then spends some time with Kathryn. She calls Jake out on not really getting to know her, and he pretends like it wasn't on purpose. Their time together is basically a job interview after which no one gets an offer. After his time with the girls, Jake asks to speak to Ella, where he tells her she's great and kicks her off. I couldn't have scripted it better. But then...just wait. He goes back in, Kathryn smiles and comforts him knowing she's won this round, and Jake responds by kicking her off TOO!! Do you die? I died. Our little Jake plays by the rules no more. To end it all, he dramatically tosses the rose in the fire pit, and we collectively giggle.

At the rose ceremony, the girls are gunning for Vienna. Jessie (yeah, she's still on the show even though we still don't know her name or who she is) tells Jake that she thinks Vienna sucks. Unfortunately, Jake was most likely too distracted by her heinous green eye makeup to hear what she said, but her efforts were to be lauded. Then Vienna grabs Jake for some alone time, during which Jake once again talks to Vienna about why everyone hates her. She changes the subject back to herself. Surprise! The other girls take their final attempts at wooing Jake, and then it's time for the hand-outs. But not before they all discuss how much they hate Vienna, and Ali (lovely in yellow, as always) threatens to tell Jake what she really thinks if he actually asks Vienna to stay.

1) Gia
2) Tenley
3) Ali
4) Corrie

-scene interrupted -

Jake, after tearing up (yes, I totally predicted the first tears would come in episode four!!), excuses himself and asks to talk to Chris. He then asks Chris's advice on what he would do if he were faced with a similar decision of having to ask two women to stay when he really only wanted one. Again...Jake bends the rules.

-back at the ceremony-

Chris tells the ladies that he'll be taking one of the two remaining roses away, and two women will be going home instead of one.

5) Vienna. GASP!!! Kidding. Of course she's staying...there would be no drama if she didn't. Wonder how much ABC paid Jake for that one...

Bye: Ella, Kathryn, Ashleigh and Jessie

Awards:
1) Come from behind award: Gia
2) Worst ties: Jake. Who is responsible for his rose ceremony ties?!?
3) Quote: "Are you f*cking kidding me?" - Ashleigh, reacting to going home before Vienna. Couldn't have put it better myself, my dear.

Until next week,

Mike

And then there were 9...poor Jake

Jesus take the wheel...it's a night of drama and I've had 9 glasses of wine. Please steer us in the right direction.

Tonight we have two one-on-one dates and one big happy (I mean raging disaster) group date.

The first one-on-one goes to the most hated woman in the house, Dye Job McGee, I mean Vienna. Why she should be named after a beautiful European city I do not know, but let's leave that be for now. It's the first heli-date of the season as Jake and Vienna flit away to a 300-foot drop. They fly to a crazy scary bungee jumping adventure, and Jake has a minor freak out prior to the plunge. I think he's officially the first bachelor to freak like this, but let's just move on and await his tears in the next couple episodes. They jump, they fall, they kiss, her dye job is still bad, yada yada. Afterwords, they drink wine out of awkwardly tall wine glasses, do the requisite hot tub scene, and she gets a rose. Vienna then goes home and gushes about her date and everyone hates her. The end.

Date #2 will hereafter be known as the "Worst Date Ever on The Bachelor." OMG I die I die I die. Jon Lovitz hosts the crew at his comedy club where the girls are the headline event. This is my worst nightmare, by the way. Untrained comics in front of an unassuming audience. It was a fully mutable date, folks. I started sweating, I muted, I drank more wine. Messy. The one redeemable takeaway of the date was this: Jake looked hot in his plaid shirt. Very preppy, very cute, very on-trend. We love it. What we don't love is untrained comediennes BOMBING in front of a hopefully-paid audience. Tenley avoids comedy and does body bends; Corrie trashes Vienna; Ashleigh freaks, cries, drinks too much and then eventually tells blonde jokes; and Michelle bombs bombs BOMBS. YIKES!

After the date, the girls have a "wrap party" of sorts at the Roosevelt. Tenley finally fesses up to her divorce, Ali and Ashleigh trash Vienna to Jake, and Michelle is still crazy. Surprise! Michelle then gets her coveted one-on-one time with Jake and he kicks her off. After a forced first kiss, she basically tells Jake the kiss sucked and if he can't give her what she wants, she's outta there. Granted, we're used to her veiled threats by now, but Jake takes the bait and boots her right there! Amazing. We love a rule-abiding bachelor who doesn't play by the rules. Yay Jake, and boo Michelle. While we wish you could stay around for guaranteed drama, but we also realize you're certifiably crazy and would be best suited for hard time. After the boot, Jake is too strained to give out a rose and sees himself home. Poor Jake.

The last date is the long-awaited one-on-one between Jake and Ella the Tennessean mom. It's heli-date #2 as the two are whisked away to Sea World. Um...what? Yes, let's pretend we think this is cool, and go with it. Jake gives Ella her birthday present, which is the arrival of her 7-year-old son Ethan. Her reaction utterly sucks, and she barely freaks. I was hoping for legit tears and body shakes, but we're left with a half-assed hug. I was also hoping that Ethan would ask Jake for his toy plane back, but he didn't. We're also forced to see Ella's bedazzled nails. Yes...she is a Tennessee-based hair dresser...are we surprised?!? Very little happens on this date besides the expected: Jake doesn't kiss Ella in front of the kid and he gives her a rose because she's a mom and he'd be a dick if he didn't.

Meanwhile, Vienna talks to the b*tches at home and apologizes for being horrible. They hate her regardless. Ali calls her out and Vienna cries for the second time in the episode. Boring. I'm a little nervous that Ali is going to be too outspoken thus jeopardizing her position as best bachelorette, but we'll have to wait and see if it continues...

At the pre-rose ceremony, Elizabeth does nothing for her "don't kiss me" case as Jake labels her a "tease." Then Vienna interrupts them and Elizabeth cries. Yes, Vienna was wearing a bedazzled turquoise dress and we all collectively barfed. Jake is a confused mess and he contemplates his future before handing out the roses.

He chooses:
1) Vienna
2) Ella
3) Gia
4) Corrie
5) Tenley
6) Ali
7) Jessie
8) Kathryn
9) Ashleigh

Bye: Michelle (crazy), Elizabeth (no kisses please), and Valishia (we didn't know who you were anyway).

Awards:
1) Best quote: "Michelle doesn't need a husband, she needs a therapist." - Elizabeth
2) Crazy: Michelle
3) Sexy kisser: Jake. Yum.
4) Quote #2: "I am 29 and I could have had a husband by now." - Elizabeth. While your first quote was killer, you just screwed yourself with this one. Um...you don't have a husband, and you ain't gonna get one by not kissing anyone. Best of luck finding the man of your dreams in Imperial, Nebraska.

Until next week,

Mike

Don't Bone the Help

So the wheat has separated from the shaft and we're on to episode two. Ha ha...shaft. Before the night even begins, we're promised some killer drama, as someone will be forced to leave. Yes...this is why we love The Bachelor. These women are D-R-A-M-A with a capital "mess."

Three dates tonight: two group dates and a one-on-one. Here we go.

The first date, which will hereafter be known as "Boobs and Bods" brings six lovely-ish ladies bod-to-bod with Jake at the Shangri-La in Santa Monica for a photo shoot and the inevitable first pool scene. Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina and Ashleigh get to spend the day with the staff of InStyle. Christina is self conscious because she's not a model. And guess what? She drinks too much to compensate. Rozlyn and Gia bring out their respective saline-inspired girls, and it's almost too much. But who am I to complain about two rockin'--although fake--racks? It's just not my place. The night brings upon lots of predicted firsts: bikinis; pool scenes; straddling; rooftop kisses, you name it. One key takeaway is that Jake isn't necessarily the best at forced intimacy and he seems a bit uncomfortable, but he tries his best. The first rose goes to a very deliberate Rozlyn, who seems quite focused on winning. To heighten the tension, ABC did a fantastic job of vilifying her with some killer music and dramatic cinematic techniques. And we have our cunning vixen, folks. Let's see how the season unfolds. I hope Rozlyn's ta-tas can hold their shape through the rocky ride...er...turbulent flight ahead.

The second date is one for the books. Ali gets the first one-on-one, and I couldn't be happier. (Reminder: I already heart her.) Flying Date Number 1 involves Ali confronting her fear of flying from the outset (after awkwardly riding on the back of Jake's hog in a dress, of course), as Jake sweeps her up in the air on a flight to Palm Springs. Before I get in to the date further, I must confess that I had to get up and...well...pretty much barf up my dinner when ABC played "On the Wings of Love" as they flew over LA. What is this, 1982? WAIT...I Googled the song to check...and I'm serious. It was on Jeffrey Osborne's album released in 1982!!!! For those of you who have been with me for some time, you know that 82 is a special number. Wow. Okay, back to reality. The lovebugs land in Palm Springs, and they drive in a hot car to a romantic outdoor dinner where Ali just shows us all that she's too cute for words. We love her. So does Jake. If there was one hiccup to Ali, it was the names of her past boys (Jim, Jason, Jared, Jordan...and now Jake) but we're over it. Dinner ends and, wait for it, they're greeted by a private concert by Chicago. I DIE. Just die. "Saturday," "You're the Inspiration," are you kidding me?!? Too cool. They dance, they kiss, it's amazing. She gets a rose.

The last date is another group go around, and this time it's with Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley and Vienna (which leaves Ella, Michelle and Tenley down for the count, for those keeping score at home). The girls go with Jake to Six Flags, where they have the park to themselves. Sidenote: will any dates surprise us anymore? Who's in charge of planning the dates for this show? Because that's gotta be one thankless job. I can just see it. "Ooh, I have an idea, let's have them hop on a small plane and/or helicopter!" Nope, done it. "How about candlelight dinner with a private concert." Done that every season. "And what about..." Nope, already done it. Back to the date. Elizabeth takes Jake aside and reads him a love letter in which she asks Jake not to kiss her until she's the final one standing. Jake looks at her like she's a crazy, and so does America. But whatever. Vienna steps up next, and confesses a life full of bad dye jobs. I mean, she confesses that she eloped at age 18 after being engaged months before to another guy, a preacher's son, at the age of 17. Guess that's what happens in central Florida. Elizabeth gets the rose and they don't kiss about it. I'm going to get really sick of non-kissing. It's old, and it's only been one date.

Meanwhile, at the manse, Michelle is pissed and she's packing up to leave because she's a crazy woman who didn't get a date. Surprise! But surprise, she doesn't leave because she's a crazy woman. Yup.

At the pre-Rose Ceremony, the drama really begins. Someone's been boning the help...but who, you ask, dunnit? One guess: this season's Villain! Yay, it's Rozlyn and she's sketchy! Chris confronts her about her inappropriate relationship with a staffer who has since been let go (thanks for causing the recession, Roz), and Rozlyn replies with "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business." Sorry...it's too good. I gave it an award; please see my comment below. So, Rozlyn and her non-wrinkles are sent packing. But kudos to Rozlyn for making it this far. When your name is eerily similar to a Long Island suburb known for tragic accents and is proof that stereotypes are based on fact (yes, Roslyn), you can't have it all! Jake is sad, although he surprisingly fights back tears. On that note, let's make a bet. How many episodes until Jake cries? I vote the tears come in episode 4.

A few last notes: Tenley doesn't tell Jake about her ex-husband; Michelle gets some one-on-one time and oddly convinces Jake that's she's not bat-sh*t-crazy; and Jake gives Ella a birthday cupcake.

Rose ceremony:
1) Rozlyn. JUST KIDDING!
2) Ali
3) Elizabeth
4) Vienna
5) Gia
6) Tenley
7) Ella
8) Valishia
9) Corrie
10) Jessie
11) Ashleigh
12) Michelle. Ugh...
13) Kathryn

Adios: Rozlyn, Christina, Ashley. Byeeeee.

Awards:
1) Best date: Ali and Jake's cutescapade.
2) Frontrunner: Ali
3) Crazy: Yep, it's still you, Michelle.
4) Quote: "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business."--Rozlyn. Um, yes it is. You're on The Bachelor. It's America's business, my business, and Jake's business too. But mostly it's mine.

So we've got 12 ladies left, and lots of disaster yet to unfold. So hold tight...and I'll see you next week.

Mike

One-way Flight to Disaster

Ladies and gentleman, welcome aboard flight 82 with nonstop service to Disaster. The boarding door has now been closed, and we are ready for departure. Please make sure all seats and tray tables are in the full, upright, and locked position, and that all electronic devices are turned off and stowed. In addition, please ensure all carry-on baggage is fully under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. The seat belt sign has been illuminated, so we ask that you remain seated until the pilot has reached cruising altitude, and it is safe to move around the cabin. As you may have noticed, our flight is full of 25 hot messes vying for Jake's love; thus we expect a rather bumpy ride. So please, sit back, relax, and enjoy the three-month flight to Disaster. And again, due to the premise of this show, the piss-poor track record of its success, and the quality of women selected this season, the flight may be a bit turbulent. Thanks for your allegiance to The Bachelor Airways; we all know that during these trying times you have many choices in air carriers, and we thank you for continuing your love of self-inflicted harm by flying the Disastrous Skies.

How's that for an opener to what promises to be a season full of awkward and forced pilot references? Boys, girls, and lovers, welcome back. How many seasons has it been? And why are we still watching this? Because it's a mess and we just can't help ourselves. Oh, also you all love me and my e-antics. Or perhaps Jake's abs just beckoned you a little too much and you gave in once again. As we begin another season of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, the age-old conundrum confronts us again. Which do we like more? One comment from my unbelievably attractive couch mate last night bemoaned the lack of 25 sexy men. I countered with the guaranteed drama and cattiness of 25 girls, and the argument was put to a delayed rest. (I'll get back to you on my final verdict.) What we're stuck with is this: 6 rock hard abs and 25 idiot girls (give or take a few good ones), and we love it.

I'll race right through the opening section of gratuitous abs and shirtless scenes, Jake's scripted voice over, and the lead up to the girls' arrival, and jump right into the runway show of this season's 25 hoes. I won't comment on each of the 25, but I will pick out a few gems. First off, has our Texas quota been lowered this season? I usually expect a good 20% of the cast to be big-haired and Texan, but this season we're just stuck with a few chicks and Jake himself. Boring. But what we lack in Texas-two-stepping mall hair, we make up in...GASP...Canadians. Good god, wasn't Jillian enough? We're forced to accept two (count them, two) chicks from Canadia, full of stories of their mythical land to the North? Listen, I'm 30 now (OMG that happened just over a week ago and my anti-wrinkle regimen has fully begun), and I'm no longer interested in fantasy-based fairy tales. Canada is pretend, just admit it. A few more notes: Jessie's (from Canada) dress is a sparkly red-black vampire disaster; Vienna is an overdyed Floridian transplant from what I'm sure was Jersey; Valishia is a "homemaker" (WTF...don't you have to be married to be a "homemaker"?!?!); Channy the Cambodian Tranny is just that; and roughly 80% of the chicks made, you guessed it, awkward pilot/flight references in their introductions. Another note: Jake has a bad tendency to end introductions and/or conversations and/or awkward moments by going in for the friendly hug. Jake is an awkward hugger and he uses it as a defense mechanism. Stay tuned all season for more!

Once inside, our smiley, bad-tie-wearing Jake greets his brood and the antics begin. Dirty landing strip jokes (thanks, Tranny), costumes, football games and a ridiculous game of "airplane" immediately commence. Jillian and Ed show up to help Jake decide who is crazy and who is crazier, and we get some good moments. Michelle quickly rises to the top as this season's resident Lovestruck Crazy Person, as her love tears begin streaming almost immediately because she just can't help being in love with Jake upon meeting him and she is here for love and she's going to win damn it! But wait, you're crazy, and no, you're not going to win.

The first kiss goes to Tenley, a divorced blondie, who immediately freaks out to the camera after forcing herself on Jake because she has only "been with" one man, and this was her first "real kiss" since her ex-husband. Wait, a peck on the lips is a "real kiss"? Um...so my first "real kiss" was at age two when I laid on top of my neighbor and forcibly kissed her? Amazing. Ali, one of my early favorites, rips her dress when first talking to Jake, and it's cute. Also, Ella, the hair-dressing mom of a 7-year-old gives Jake her son's favorite toy: a metal airplane. Was I the only one horrified that this mother STOLE her child's toy to give it to a stranger?!?!? This one won't be winning any Mother of the Year awards any time soon. But then again, what Tennessee-based divorced hair dresser would...

The much-anticipated First Impression Rose goes to Tenley, even after her freak out. I must say, I have a small-ish soft spot in my heart for anyone in college admissions, so I'll excuse her premature tears. But I think Ali and/or Elizabeth from Nebraska should have gotten it because I like them more.

The rose ceremony takes our 25 down to 15, and we're left with:

Tenley
Rozlyn
Ali
Jessie (I won't comment on her dress or her Canadian-ness)
Ella
Kathryn
Vienna
Corrie
Valishia (I won't comment on her name)
Gia (I won't comment on her boobs and/or her "swimsuit model" job title)
Elizabeth
Ashley
Christina
Ashleigh
Michelle

Nothing much more to say here besides the clips of the season to come hint at WAY too much drama. So much fun! Then again, this happens each season and the drama never really packs the punch we're promised. Let's hope this season it does. Clearly, Jake will cry like 12 times this season, but will the tears be warranted?

Awards:
1) Top Four Frontrunners: Ali, Elizabeth, Tenley, Kathryn
2) Crazy: Michelle
3) Worst Dress: Jessie, the Canadian. How did that mess make it through customs?
4) Best sign-off after getting the boot: "I wanted to be co-pilot, but I'm just waving goodbye from the tarmac." --Tiana...awesome.

Until next week,
Mike

The Boyfriend versus the Best Friend versus OMFG

It's the night we've been dating for. Jillian is getting engaged to the man of her dreams. It's the boyfriend versus the best friend. Kiptyn versus Ed. Straight versus gay. Hot and sexy versus tank tops and short shorts. I'm not going to go on and on...so let's get to it. Of course, I was busy BYOBing at a killer dinner with the Family while this aired live, so here I am after midnight doing this bullsh*t for all of you, thankyouverymuch...

First we have to meet Jillian's family. Ed is Ed, and her family likes him. Kiptyn is better and they like him more. So there. That covers 60 minutes of the episode. Everyone agrees that Kiptyn wins, he's more balanced. More cautious, yes, but more genuine and in love with her. Ed is all talk and show and we know it. He's also caught up in the moment and doesn't know anything because he wears short shorts. We're all left to wonder: is it really there with Ed? Because it's clearly there with Kip.

Now it's time for date number two. Ed wears a tank top and short shorts as they fly around volcanoes during another heli-date and then change into Aquasocks because it's 1992. Later, he confesses his love for the 82nd time and we're over it.

Kiptyn is next, and he comes right out to the camera with his love for Jillian. Yes!! He's finally there and we love him and all 10 of his 10-pack. On the date it's make-or-break time with Jillian, and he makes it. Jillian soon admits that Kip is "the best catch I've ever met in my entire life." Yeah, you and the rest of us, Jill. They bone again because who wouldn't, and then it's time for the Big Day.

Jillian wakes up and tells us how she feels over forced coffee and awkward, pensive scenes on the balcony. Kip is "the perfect package" and Ed is "fun with good energy." Um...what? I think we have our decision, lovers. She "knows" what she's going to do, and we're not surprised. We're also not surprised when Kiptyn chooses a gorgeous ring, and Ed chooses an ugly one.

Meanwhile, Jillian is getting dressed in her I'm-gonna-get-engaged dress. Kip is the first to arrive. He confesses his love to her in a sweet and nervous way, and as soon as he drops the L bomb, we know her decision. It's written all over her face. And I vomit inside (thankfully not out). "I've fallen in love with someone else," is her response. I hate it. ED?!? REALLY?!?! Kiptyn leaves us tearfully (well, almost) as he drives off into oblivion and out of our lives forever. Ugh...back to his life of breaking hearts because he now knows that being heartbroken blows.

But wait. As I predicted, the love of our collective lives comes back to confess his much delayed love and we immediately forget about Kiptyn. Reid rolls up in a minivan and a bad outfit, and sweetly and wonderfully confesses the love we all (and Jillian) know he had and PROPOSES!!! I'll be the first to admit that the proposal is WAY too much, and Reid should have held his Philly horses for a minute and just proposed getting another chance. It's all in the delivery, Reid, and you messed it up. Regardless, ABC fools us for a hot minute as Jillian is dumbfounded and needs to think about it. Wait...let's be honest...she really does need to think about it because she deep-down knows he's the one and she loves him. But visions of kelly green short shorts are dancing through her head, and she sends Reid packing once again. (With help from Chris. FYI Chris, we're in a fight. Don't push her into a doomed relationship. It's just silly and you're eventually going to lose your job after all these failed relationships!) REID, WE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!

And then Ed shows up, proposes, and they get engaged. Whoop-de-doo. I'm over it.

Until never,

Mike.

p.s. I just might be forced to blog the upcoming hit, "More to Love." It's the Fat Bachelor, or hereafter "The Fatchelor," and I'm already obsessed. Stay tuned. Ha, The Fatchelor, that's good if I do say so myself.

p.p.s. Shout out to my dreamboat for giving me the final rose and not making me deal with any of this BS.

The Dudes Tell All

I know, I know, my blogcode dictates that I don't blog the "Bitches/Dudes Tell All" episode, but I have a few comments. And then I'm done and off to the dreamboat.

The Reid Conspiracy is still fully alive. Dude is still in the running, I swear.

-"I wasn't ready to let him go," says Jillian with a coy smirk, when discussing her heartbreaking goodbye to Reid. Catch that smirk? She's on to something...and hopefully it's on top of Reid.

-Reid is not present at the episode due to a "prior engagement." Like a pending engagement to Jillian?

-Mancode. ENOUGH ALREADY! David is still dead to us, even with his bearded disguise.

Until next week...

Mike

p.s. My blogcode also dictates that, time to time, I blog in real time. As evidenced tonight...when I posted this before I saw the scenes from the finale. BITCHES, I've still got it. Until next week...when Reid comes back!

To Bone or Not To Bone...2.0

So we got major blue balls last week with NO ONE getting a real invite to the fantasy suite...so we're left hoping for some love making this week. And...well...we'll get there.

We're in Hawaii now, and it's time to turn up the volume. Can I get a naked hot tub scene up in here? It's been weeks, and good lord, I've had it. We need some shirtless dudes, topless chicks, and full on boning, thankyouverymuch. Or possibly a Viagra prescription...

First up is Kiptyn, bald spot and all. He arrives to Maui and is whisked away to a ropes course with little Jilly. Take this from a former ropes course guide (two summers in North Carolina, what?)...their little trist in the sky could have been a little tougher. What were they, 30 feet up? I spent two summers 50 feet in the air, so clearly I'm more hard core than Kiptyn and his bulging biceps. And I also like dudes, which makes me majorly hard core and masculine. So there. After their leap of faith and a cute little zip line, they have a romantic dinner during which Kiptyn is very much in to her. He's kind of turned the corner, folks. Is this guy falling for her? I actually think he is. The fantasy date is turned up a bit when they spend the night together...and here's hoping she grabbed hold of those arms and went for a wild ride.

Next up is my favorite contender, Reid. I'm going on a limb and labeling him the cutest contender left. And I'm sticking to it like a Philly cheesesteak sticks to your ribs and giant ass. These two are BY FAR the most physically in to each other, and my HDTV steamed right up as the lovers made out throughout the entire date. Reid finally takes his first (albeit inevitable) helicopter ride. After a scenic tour of Maui, they have a cute picnic where Reid surprises no one by not finding the right words to express his near love for Jillian. I, for one, find it pretty cute because he's so clearly falling for her and she totally knows it. She kind of annoyingly presses for the words during the picnic and again later, but sometimes you have to just settle for that look in the eyes, right? They're so affectionate and falling in love and we all know it. At dinner, Reid once again admits his indecisive nature. He also admits to being scared when he's offered the fantasy suite...but that fades away as they snuggle and bone in the hot tub. It was hot, ladies and ladies...hot with a capital Reid.

Last comes Ed. Or is he now Big Gay Ed? He spent the damn date in a tank top and short shorts. Who else thinks this 'mo took a swing (or 8) through Boystown during his little hiatus back in Chicago? Me, me, me!!! Okay, I'm g-a-y and I don't even know where to find a swimsuit with a 1-inch inseam. Give me a break. And someone pour that Nancy a cosmo. But back to the date. Ed and Jillian sail and swim in gay outfits and then, surprise!!, they go meet his parents. Total Midwest, and I love it. The time with his mom and dad was a bit forced, and Jillian took the route of used car salesman, as she totally tried to sell herself and her relationship with their short-short-wearing son. Ed pretends like he's falling in love with Jillian and that he's ready for engagement...but let's be honest. He's just trying to say the right thing so he can get out of there because his balls are being suffocated little by little in his swimsuit.

At the end of the day, Ed and Jillian go to the fantasy suite to...um...not connect physically. Dude's nads were probably malfunctioning from lack of oxygen, and although Ed said all the right things, his little man had NOTHING to say, and there was ZERO romance during their sexy time. Too bad for Ed and Little Ed...

Before the rose ceremony, we're greeted by video confessionals from the boys. Kiptyn's was cute, and expectedly macho and surfer dude bro-ish...but fine. Reid's was perhaps the cutest to date. He fully opened up, and you could tell he was so genuinely ready to grow with Jillian. Although he called himself her "honeybear," I cleaned up my vomit and moved on because we're all in love with Reid and want him to marry us. (Except for me b/c I'm in love with my own honeybear and I want him to marry me.) And then Ed and his non-balls drops the "L" bomb. ARE YOU KIDDING?!? I just can't. Jillian's reaction was classic. Total drop-jaw. And I loved it.

At the rose ceremony, Jillian is a little messy. Before she makes her decision, she asks to talk to Ed. Surprisingly wearing pants, Ed obliges and chats with Jillian. He again says all the right things and assures her that he's a-okay. I don't think she bought it. And his suit SUCKS. Who is this guy?

1) Kiptyn
2) Ed.

WHAT?!?!? Are you F-ING KIDDING ME?!?! I'm done and I hate this show. Best of luck with a guaranteed unsuccessful relationship with a) a dumper, or b) a gay in short shorts and a bad suit.

Mike

p.s. Don't bother applying to be the next bachelor. Reid, you're the guy.

To Bone or Not To Bone...emphasis on "NOT"

It's the highly-anticipated "To Bone or Not To Bone" episode, and, well, we're left with blue balls.  Ain't no action to be had on this episode, lovers.  But wait...let me preface this with my famous life.  I did not watch the episode live last night, as I was otherwise engaged in a three-way with Red Sox, Fenway, and beer.  It's vacation week, my friends, and I'm making the most out of a tri-state trip with a blue-eyed stud and lots of fun.  I had initially hired Baby Jesus to guest blog, but he bailed last minute.  So here I am.  A day later...but still full committed.  

Hola mis amigos, y bienvenidos a Espana.  

First up is Kiptyn, who joins Jillian in Madrid for a date filled with dancing, kissing, and awkward camera shots of his bald spot.  Ooops...luckily Jillian is too short to see his balding tendencies.  That way, she can devote more attention to his bulging package in flamenco pants.  The lovebugs learn some flamenco and dance for each other.  The date was fine, but to be honest, I think Kiptyn is a little less in to Jillian than we may have hoped.  He's also a net zero.  Well, not zero.  With abs like that you're definitely in the positive, but I don't think he adds much in the personality factor.  At dinner, they're presented with the Fantasy Suite invite from Chris, and Jillian rejects it!  Don't worry, the theme continues...and we all collectively yawn at Jillian's lack of promiscuity.  Boring.  They cuddle instead and share an awkward evening of no sex and disappointment.  

Next, Jillian meets Reid in Sevilla for a MUCH cuter date full of connection and affection.  They are very cute together, and the chemistry is clearly there.  It seems "effortless," as Reid so aptly observes, and we love him for that.  We all laugh as they muddle their way through Spanish to have a fun day together.  Reid definitely stepped it up this date as he was pretty open with his feelings (even his cute jealousy).  The date ends with no Fantasy Suite once again, and I'm completely happy that the much-publicized performance anxiety clips courtesy of ABC do NOT star our beloved Reid. I'm clearly dying to know who they do, eventually, star.  Right?!? But thank goodness it wasn't Reid tonight! Reid ends it perfectly by saying, "Ella tiene mi corazon."  Babelfish that mess.

Ed, back in black, is next.  We stay in Sevilla for this date which is basically a 20-minute makeout fest.  It's all about PDA here, and I love it.  They are making up for lost ground in a major way, and it's borderline absurd.  At this point I'm annoyed that Jillian is continually saying "doing good" instead of "doing well," but what do we expect out of Canadians?  Perfection?  I think not.  Just bacon.  Ed gets the closest with the Fantasy Suite, after he convinces Jillian to hang out more, and they sleep with their clothes on.  Here's hoping at least a sock came off...

And lastly, our special friend Wes meets Jillian in Barthelona (yes, with a "th" and not a "c") for an Oscar-worthy performance.  The Oscar for horrendous acting, of course.  His game is up, folks, and it's just so clear.  But before the date, he had a great quote about Barthelona delivered in his signature twang: "I had a number one single in Chihuahua, Mexico, so I'm comfortable around Spanish people."  Because everyone knows that Mexico and Spain are one in the same.  And that Mexicans are Spanish.  You know you're from Texas when...

But back to the date.  Wes recites his memorized script with great lines about how they're great together and such, but manages to forget about the romance and affection girls need when they like you.  It's pretty brilliant that they made it through a whole date with not ONE kiss.  I mean, Wes is truly a scumbag, so you'd think he'd fully mount up on her and try to bone her, not stay so far away.  Even if his beloved girlfriend is back on the ranch...who really cares when you're a DB?  Clearly he's too focused on his lines to fully commit to the performance.  At dinner, Jillian comes with the full court press.  She calls him out on doing this for the wrong reasons.  Wes responds basically agreeing, and throwing his manager under the bus.  He clearly did this for fame, and guess what, he's not going to get it.  The awkward date gets fully amped up when Jillian asks him point blank about Laurel.  She asks him to tell him what he said to Jake, to which (cue the record scratching) he responds, "My girlfriend...I mean...my ex-girlfriend."  JIGGA WHAT?!?  JIGGA WHO?!?  And scene.  

Back at the rose ceremony, we know Wes has played his last number one single in Chihuahua when he tells the boys that "If it's me (referring to him being the one going home) I'll be back at home having lots of sex."  I can't even comment because my response would be so witty your heads would explode.  

And roses go to:

1) Ed

2) Reid

3) Kiptyn

Bye to the DB of the year: Wes.

Awards.

1) DB: Wes.  Congrats on winning once again, hereby establishing you as the DB of the entire series, let alone this season.

2) Frontrunner: Reid with Ed closing in.

3) Best drunk, idiotic, black-out limo ride home: Wes.  "I'm the first guy to make it to the final four with a girlfriend."  And 82 other drunken, ridiculous quotes about boning Spanish chicks that night and "cutting off the chains."

4) Next to go home: Kiptyn.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. I'll be back next week, fully bronzed after a week on the beach.  Get ready for that mess.  

Blind as an Austin Bat

Lovers, our beloved Jillian hit a new low this episode, and I'm still reeling from it. She's been duped, my friends, by a honky-tonk hillbilly hungry for fame...and it's just so hard to watch. But I'll get to that mess later. It's the hometown date night and we have five families to meet. So let's get to it! [N.B. we have five (5) families to meet as opposed to four, so our time with them is a bit short. Thus, we're a bit short on drama this go around. Sad, but true.]

We're cheesesteak-bound first. Jillian meets a very cutely-dressed Reid in his hometown of Philly; and things amped up like a cheeze-whiz induced heart attack. After checking out some good views, we meet his cute family at their cute house. Reid's family notices how affectionate they are, and there is literally no drama. Dad, my favorite character in this visit, gives his son great advice: "Take risks." He was very sweet and Jillian fell more for Reid during this date.

Next we're headed to California to meet Michael and his hyper family. His twin brother is just that: his twin. There is a lot of jumping and screaming throughout the date, and all goes according to hyper plan. Even the failed "switcheroo" when Michael and his twin try to fool Jillian by switching outfits. It lasts all of 2 seconds before she catches on. At the end of the date, Michael and Jillian finally kiss...for the first and (let's be honest) last time. Although I actually think Michael likes her now.

We stay in Cali for the next date, but this time it's with Kiptyn. His family is rich, educated, and totally California, complete with the blonde, overdone mother and the pretty plastic McMansion. You can tell Jilly is all about her beloved Kiptyn. His parents test her palate by giving her a lasagna and wine taste test (to see the best lasagna and wine) and she passes. Aww...the little hick from up North can do it! There was minor drama here when the overbearing, 80s-haired mom questioned Jillian and her quest for "unconditional love" (mom doesn't believe in it), but all went according to plan. Also, the family pulled a little joke on Jillian and her tendency for racy hot tub scenes by roping off their hot tub with caution tape. Hilarious. But they cut through that mess and got wet anyway.

Next we go a bit further north in California to visit Jesse's family on the farm. They own and run a winery, and their a bit hippy and fun. His caveman brother is anti-relationship and surprised at Jesse's affection for Jillian. But is Jesse's heart still too cold for love? Best quote of the date (by brother): "Have you guys been naked together?" Brills. Jesse, the "emotional ice cube" seems to really be falling for Jillian, and the date ends with a cute dance party/jam session with the family band (complete with Jesse on drums).

We end the night with a visit to Austin, TX. Please note the "Blind as an Austin Bat" reference above. The date begins with Wes getting free national air time for his stupid band, while his voiceover says, "The ultimate goal is getting our new CD to do well." Well, you got what you wanted. And shame on you, ABC, for giving it to him. Ridiculous. Wes has hereby fully cemented his role as Douchebag of the Year (DOY) and I hate him. My favorite quote, which underlies the whole evening, "I'm not a good liar." Thanks Wes. We know. Your intentions are written all over your face, but apparently Jillian doesn't seem them. She's too busy listening to your awful music. But hey, Canadians aren't known for their musical prowess.

Then...dun dun dun...Jake shows up to tell Jillian that he has a girlfriend, and that Wes confided this in him throughout the show. Laurel (she has a name!!), the beloved lover, and Wes are still in a relationship. Amazing. I heart Jake and his cheesy smile.

Meanwhile, Wes disengenuously tells Jillian that he really likes her (glad he's in music and not acting). "I'm not a good liar." Barf. The direction in this scene was brilliant. Way to feed him the lines, ABC.

Later, Jake knocks on Jillian's door, and a befuddled Jillian lets him in expecting he wants her back. But no...he's here to spill the dirt, but in a cute, Jake-like way. He's all emotional, and he finally tells her about Wes's girlfriend and that he's a total DB. Deep down we know that Jillian knows he's telling the truth, especially since he came with no motive but to be honest. He doesn't want Jillian to take him back, he wants her to save herself from hurt and heartbreak. Clearly she has blinders on, because during the confrontation later she kind of sides with Wes by giving him a chance. But more on that later. Jake leaves Jillian to her thoughts and tells her to call him if he's needed.

Wes then shows up, and walks in the door with a "What's up, momma?" Are you kidding? Momma??? Jillian gives him a chance to come clean, and he, free of emotion, denies it by saying "That's crazy." Okay, if you were faced with a completely false accusation by someone for whom you were genuinely were falling, wouldn't you muster at least a semblance of emotion and anger? Wes, being a lying sack of bat dung, simply says it's a lie, and says he likes her and that she's pretty. Um...what? Wes, I officially hate you and so does America. And your band sucks. So best of luck with your life. He muddles through a few more lies before Jillian wants Jake to join them so the real truth will come out.

Well, we're still waiting for that. Because Wes continues to deny it all when Jake arrives, and tries to drag Jake through the mud. After a slightly-heated confrontation, Jillian gives Wes one LAST chance to come clean. He clears his throat twice (um...ever heard of dead-on signs of a liar?!?!?!) and he denies it. It doesn't work, but a dumbfounded and blind Jillian keeps him around and decides to meet his family. Meanwhile, Jake weeps outside her room. Yikes...

The visit with Wes's family is fine, even though the whole family clearly lied to Jillian when they brought up the matter of the girlfriend. One sister said, "People will always be jealous of you, Wesley. You have it all." What? A failing career, a mediocre band, graying/thinning hair and a spare tire? If that's "it all," consider me, well, famous.

Then the shocker of the century (and by "shocker" I mean we saw it coming from 8200 miles away), Ed comes back and asks that Jillian give him another chance. Surprise!! Clearly she invites him to the rose ceremony.

At the rose ceremony, Ed shows up to make it six. Two will be sent home. Roses go to:
1) Reid
2) Kiptyn
3) Ed...I'm not surprised
4) Wes...ugh

Bye: Michael and Jesse.

While I'm not surprised that Michael and Jesse are homeward-bound, I'm still shocked by her choice of Wes. I mean, she has GOT to know he's bad news bears. If not, I'm breaking up with her.

Awards:
1) DB: Wes
2) Blind as an Austin Bat: Jillian (If you don't get the "Austin Bat" reference, Google that mess. They're so cool! And they made an appearance tonight during stock Austin footage.)
3) Frontrunner: Reid. But Kip and Ed are close behind.

Until next week (get excited, it's "To Bone Or Not To Bone" night!!!),

Mike

Polar Bear Express

This damn Canadian adventure never seems to end. And neither does my ridiculous devotion to this show. After a killer workout followed by a yummy dinner, I came home to relax and hit the sack with the sexiest roommate one could ask for. But my DVR beckoned from across the room. Two seconds later, that bitch was fired up and there I sat, hungry for more of this wretched trainwreck called "The Bachelor/Bachelorette."

Tonight, the boys and Jillian rode an actual train through the tundra, or, if you want to get technical, they rode the Rocky Mountaineer through the wilderness. After two episodes in "Vancouver," we're transported to another "territory" called "Alberta," where the team takes in the sites via choo-choo. Okay, okay, the toy train is cute. So let's get to it.

The first one-on-one date goes to Robby, the oddly cute and charming bartender. From the beginning, I'm pretty sure he's secured a rose because Jillian and he have connected since the beginning. There's just one catch: what does he bring to the table? He's 25, underemployed, and has no direction in life. It's time to bring out the big guns, Robby. He starts by making drinks. Okay, hammering home the fact that you're a bartender is not going to win over the woman looking for a guy ready to settle down and father her children. And neither will saying things like, "I'm not sure what my future holds, I'm kinda between jobs" or whatever he rambled on about when asked if he's really ready to settle down. As the date progressed, her lack of interest increased, and by the end of this little train ride, the Rocky Mountaineer rumbled to a stop, and Robby was booted without a rose. Jillian tried her best to feign sadness, but honestly, I don't think dropping Robby in the wilderness was too hard for her. Child is a 25-year-old aimless bartender. He ain't husband material. Adios, Robby. And make it dirty, on the rocks, please.

After her "rough" goodbye, our country swooner sweeps in to comfort Jillian. Wes snuggles with Jillian, she melts into his arms, and he gets a few more minutes of cherished air time. His voice over puts it perfectly: "I'll always have Jillian wrapped around my little finger." Getting a little cocky, are we Wes? More on that mess later...

The second date is with Tanner, Wes, Michael, Jesse, Jake and Kiptyn. Tanner withstanding, it's like the battle of the hotties. Although there is no battle whatsoever. Instead, they go snowshoeing through the North Country, while Reid is left back on the train to contemplate his upcoming one-on-one with Jillian, and to let his neuroses get the best of him (glasses or no glasses?). But back on the date, nothing really happens. Jake is cheesy, Kiptyn talks to much, Tanner takes of his pants...the usual. Wait, what? Yes. When Michael brings up the awkward conversation topic of what Jillian wears to bed, Tanner jumps in and strips down to his manties (man-panties, for those not in the know). A little odd. But not as odd as Jillian saying to the camera, when talking about his package, that "it was huge," followed by Tanner admitting that he's "blessed." Child, you didn't get blessed with anything but the ugly stick and a freaky foot fetish. Start packing for Dallas. And take the sock out of your pants.

More boys spend one-on-one time with her after the event. Tanner plays with her feet, Jesse remains a frontrunner, Michael is basically her brother and is yet to form any sort of romantic connection...it's all to be expected.

At the end of the date, our beloved and wordy Kiptyn gets the rose while sharing the hot tub with a bunch of shirtless dudes.

Later, the boys share some boy time and it's all about confessions. Tanner comes out of the closet with his admission that he was the dude that dropped the Girlfriend Bomb on Jillian. The dudes all don't seem to mind, with one exception: Wes. Hmmm...wonder why? Next, Wes has a great line: "I've made it six shows so far...I've got what I wanted." Obviously this is all in reference to the fact that he has gotten the exposure he was after, and if he happens to be in the running for the girl, that's just a nice byproduct. Gross. We hate Wes. Go back to Austin. Wait, don't. I like Austin, and I don't want you ruining it with your conniving ways. Go to Dallas or something fake like that.

The next morning, Jake visits Jillian in her room-slash-train car. Honestly, he's cute, he's got a killer smile, but dude is C-H-E-E-S-Y. He tells her, in his goopy way, that he really likes her. Jillian, not a gifted thespian, simply cannot hide the fact that she's completely over him. She thanks him for being so honest, but not in a girlfriend sort of way...more in a first-grade teacher teaching a lesson about honesty and trust. It was almost painful to see her response to Jake's confession, as it lacked even an ounce of emotion. Negative points for Jake for not noticing that she could care less what he thinks. Hopefully you're more in tune with reality when you're piloting commercial flights.

The last date is the one-on-one with Reid. And, while I may be in the minority here, he completely won me over. Not only is he really cute (both with glasses and without, thank you), he is a total loony toon, in the best possible way. Dude is neurotic, OCD and tends to over analyze everything. Hmmm...he's basically the straight version of me. Clearly he's amazing.

Anyway, more about me...I mean...the date. Reid and Jillian snowboard near Lake Louise, and Reid, the perfectionist, is a mess. He totally can't do it, but he plays it off well. Jillian loves that he tried something he's not good at, and she liked seeing him take a chance. They share an outdoor cocktail at a scenic overlook made of ice. I'm talking chairs, table, glasses...it was all ice. So fun. After a beer or eight, they snuggle and kiss and it's cute. Reid says that red ears mean you're horny. They kiss some more. And my ears get red on the couch.

Later, the snowbirds snuggle up for a dinner of fondue. Reid is totally freaked out by the concept of fondue, and it's hilarious. Hey, at least he admits his neuroses and goes with it. I think with each admission, he charms her more. He's quirky, different from the other guys, but seems to be carving out a little spot in Jillian's heart because he's just being himself. Are they perfect on paper? No. But they're a good match. All in all, the date was great and we love our Reid, crazy tendencies and all. Jillian agrees, and he gets a rose.

The rose ceremony is next, but before Jillian hands out the roses, she takes Michael aside to ask if he's really serious about her. We all know that he's not, and that they have ZERO chemistry and all he wants is his big break...but apparently he muddled his way through an acceptable response. Crazy.

Roses go to:
1) Kiptyn
2) Reid
3) Jesse
4) Wes
5) Michael. WHAT?!?

Bye: Robby, Jake, Tanner.

I actually kind of though Jake or Tanner (more like Tanner) would stay for one more week. But now we're subject to a family visit with Michael, and it's bound to be uncomfortable and overacted.

Awards:
1) DB: Wes. You suck. And so do your songs.
2) Frontrunners: Kiptyn and Jesse.
3) Comeback Kid: Reid.

Until next week,

Mike

No Drama

Live from Milwaukee (are you sensing a once-a-season theme here?), I've postponed dinner plans to blog for you all. So eat this up like it's your job because I've had to search high and low for a restaurant open past 9pm in this town so I can watch this mess AND eventually eat dinner. Ridiculous. Beers have been delivered via room service, though, and I'm ready to watch (big shout out to New Glarus Brewing Co.'s Spotted Cow--it's my favorite Wisconsin beer for sure).

So while I've traveled West, the boys remain in the North Country to continue to woo a slightly bruised Jillian. We're in Whistler this week, lovers, so let the drama begin. There are two one-on-one dates and one group date tonight, so let's get down to business and figure out who's got a chick back home, because let's be honest, that's all we really care about. Who's double dippin'?

Michael, our entertainer, is awarded the first one-on-one. This is the face time he's always dreamed of. We all know that he is dying when his name is called. "Is this my big chance? Will a talent scout see me on TV and sign me so I can stop teaching break dancing and make it big in La-La Land? YESSSSSS!!" We, on the other hand, are thinking, "Good god, please don't annoy us too much with your overacted antics."

The "Come Fly With Me" date is surprisingly not another heli-date: it's a zip line. I'm super jealous. Michael gets all deep on us by equating zip lining to love, we barf, but we continue to watch regardless. Is anyone less than impressed after a few zips? They're not going very fast, so my jealousy fades. After the zipping, they sip hot chocolate and talk. I wish Michael would just calm down once in a blue moon, but he doesn't. His poor mother...

Michael and Jillian have dinner later that night. Jillian is hoping for a more serious Michael, and our fingers are crossed that he'll deliver. I'm not holding my breath. Jillian flat-out asks if he's ready to settle down. Michael skirts around the issue and then asks Jillian what she wants. Um...Michael, you didn't answer the question. Not like any of us think that you're remotely ready for anything but fame-hunger, but at least fake it. You're an actor, right? Convince us, my friend. Jillian then asks why he "really signed up for the show." Wow. Awesome. Michael then confesses that he had a breakup eight months ago and that he hasn't been on a date since. Blah. He's here for the "right reasons" even though he's not. Jillian gives him the rose anyway, even though there seems to be NO romantic connection. Is she babysitting, or is she dating? They don't even share a real kiss. Come on...

The group date is with Wes, Robby, Kiptyn, Tanner, Ed, Jake, Reid and Mark, which means Jesse gets the one-on-one. Reid, looking cute in his glasses, is bummed. The boys join Jillian on a snowmobile trip through the mountains. Jillian, has ulterior motives, and is destined to find out where these boys stand...not just where they snowmobile. She asks Robby to join her on her snowmobile, and the other boys get their own. They get to share some one-on-one time, and Robby (complete with a red, helmet-dented forehead) confesses that he was upset about the previous rose ceremony. The other dudes talk behind his back. Robby reassures her that he's for real. If only he had a job...

Tanner interrupts the Robby time, and let's just see if he can save himself after he became the House Rat. He again doesn't name names, and I think this makes him look like a weasel. Tanner is not only rat-like in his features, he seems rat-like all around. Tanner clearly has it out for Wes, but doesn't he have evidence? Hmmm...

She then cuddles up with Wes, who obviously reassures her that he's there for reasons outside of his music career. Are we convinced? I, for one, am not.

Later, they all hang out and catch up more. At this point, I'm realizing quickly that she is obsessed with Kiptyn. She is 100% falling for him. But wait...their kisses are kind of awkward. Is Kiptyn a good kisser? I'm nervous.

Then she spends some time with Reid. She questions him about his 5-year plan, and he tells her how he wants a wife, kids, and an adventurous family. It's cute, kind of awkward. Especially when she says, "Who's the one with the girlfriend?" He gives her a funny answer by saying he has four girlfriends and two wives...haha.

Ed is up next, and Jillian is feeling that he's distant. Ed admits that his boss is questioning his choice to be away, and Ed reacts pretty emotionally because his boss gave him an ultimatum. Pretty sh*tty boss, in my opinion (if he knew what Ed was doing, that is...if not, then Ed is dumb for not telling him). At the end of the date, Jillian gives Ed the rose. She gives him the choice to accept it and/or to give it back after thinking about it. Pretty sweet of her, I must admit. I heart Jillian.

The last one-on-one date is with Jesse. They hang out on a glacier (you know, the normal), and then have a romantic talk in the snow. Jesse seems really into her, and he is very open about his past love (singular). It was cute.

Sidenote: I hate this new "Marry Me Monday" BS. ABC, stop trying to extend this damn show to two hours. If you could condense it two one hour, we could all do a lot more with our lives. Like eat dinner before the restaurants close at 9pm in Milwaukee.

Back to the show. Jillian asks Jesse if it's too soon for him to pursue a new relationship due to his recent breakup. He's kind of dumbfounded, but he gets through it okay. Cue the inevitable hot tub scene, and he's definitely falling for her. Unfortunately, he has a bit of a goatee, but we can try to get over it. Jesse gets a rose and then they kiss. He says he can "die happy." A bit much.

At the pre rose ceremony, things take a bit of a turn. Remember that rose Jillian gave Ed to make him feel better about maybe losing his job but, in turn, maybe finding the love of his life? Yeah, not so much. Ed is outta here, and now he's forever ruined his chances with the women of the greater Chicagoland area. Dude is choosing work over love! It's like the number 1 complaint of chicks everywhere! (At least chicks in New York who deal with d-bag bankers on a daily basis.) Jillian arrives to Ed's room to be dumped. It's so dumb. Tables turning, much? Jillian is getting dumped on her own show? Wait...WHAT?!?!? Poor Jillian talks a little too much after being dumped, and with that, Ed is Chicago-bound. Sadly, Ed looks cuter than he's looked all season as he dumps her...but maybe that's good for his future chances at love? So weird. But what's weirder is that Ed doesn't give the rose back because he doesn't think someone else deserves it. Not sure if that's cool or not. Don't really think so. But Jillian leaves him with a zinger: "Promise me this. When you do find the one, don't let work get in the way." BAM.

But by the looks of it, Jillian is pretty damn upset about this. Makes me think he was in the running...too bad for him. They could have had cute dark-haired, dark-skinned babies. Oh well. Best of luck.

On to the rose ceremony...where only ONE guy is leaving to night. Sucks to be him, because she is totally sure who's outta there. So without a cocktail party, here we go.

1) Michael
2) Ed...Just kidding!!
3) Jesse
4) Reid
5) Kiptyn
6) Robby
7) Jake
8) Tanner. WHAT?!?!?!?! Why is this happening?
9) Wes

Bye: Mark. Kind of a shocker.

Awards:
1) D-bag: Ed. Have fun technologically consulting and living a loveless life.
2) Rat: Tanner. You act like one. You look like one. Go suck on a toe, and best of luck in life. Except we have to see you again next week. Ugh.
3) Best editing: ABC peeps. Nothing promised this episode was delivered. Brilliant.
4) Front runners: Kiptyn and Wes.

Until next week,

Mike

Oh Canada...

Summer camp is over, boys. It's time to pack up and head to...Canada?? Wait..is this some sort of punishment? You can't just leave LA and be forced to go to the mythical Northland and pretend it's a good thing. Or can you?

Vancouver was the setting for last night's episode in which three boys were sent packing. Jillian hosts the guys in her hometown. (Sidenote: wasn't she from some other Canadian village last season? Edmonton? Calgary? Another Canadian city I can't think of because there are only like 12 to choose from?) The episode features three dates: a one-on-one; a group date; and a two-on-one in which one guy is sent home by the end.

The one-on-one date goes to Kiptyn, and the rose was his to lose. Could he finally summon a personality to match his good looks? Is he everything he hoped he would be and more? He joins Jillian on a little kayaking adventure, and then they go to the Public Market to buy food for dinner. After a cute talk on the water, the couple heads home to cook. It's kind of a perfect date in the making. Outdoor activities followed by good conversation and a do-it-together meal? Amazing. The only negative of the date was the part where they fed pigeons. People, feeding rats with wings is a pasttime left to crazy women with wild hair and 82 cats. It's not for us. But back to the dinner portion. They cook, he comes up behind her, places his hands on her hips, and kisses her neck. We all melt, she dies, it's cute. After dinner, Kiptyn opens up some more by confessing that he's no good at pursuing women. "People pursue me," his special quote, could have sounded a lot more dick than it did, but Kiptyn pretty much wins us over. Their conversation on this date was very easy and genuine, and I think he might like her. I'll overlook the embroidered bird/crest on the shoulder of his black button-down shirt, and give him an A- for the date. If he was preppier he would have earned an A. He gets a rose, and I think she really likes him.

The second date is a BIG group date with Ed, Jesse, Tanner, Jake, Robby, Wes, Michael, Reid, Juan, and David. The play a "Canadian" "sport" called "curling." The boys are split into two teams, and the winning teams gets to spend the night with Jillian, as opposed to just awkward time in sweatsuits on the ice playing with brooms. Without diving into too much detail, the red team wins and Jesse is the clear MVP. On the date later that evening, Jake is worried he's too perfect, other dudes do other things, and David, like clockwork, turns crazy. As they chatted on the couch I was simultaneously expecting him to 1) beat her, 2) jump her bones, and 3) accomplish all of this as his red-faced, inflated head spun off. Instead, he verbally assaulted her with bad language, a failed attempt at a kiss, and non-stop talk about her ass. Um...inappropriate much? At one point during his word vomit, he says the F word, leans in for a kiss only to be given the cheek. He questions Jillian and she says something to the effect of, "I'm not kissing you after you say that word," to which he reponds, "I would think you'd want to kiss after saying f*ck." Pure class. Truly a gentleman. But I guess that's what "Trucking Coordinators" from Kansas do. Jesse gets the rose on this date, and we all share a sigh of relief that David didn't inflict bodily harm on anyone during the filming of the date.

The last date is between Jillian, Mike and Mark. They couldn't be more different. Mike spews forth far too many words and far too much honestly. Mark is mute and nervous. Mike is a guido from New York. Mark is subdued from Colorado. Mike's hair is black. Mark's hair is light brown. The opposites board a helicopter headed for Grouse Mountain, and Mike awkwardly sits in the middle and gets Jillian to himself, while Mark is forced to look out the window alone. At dinner, Mike commands the conversation, while Mark sits quietly across the table. During some one-on-one time, Mike continues to say all the "right" things (though they sound a bit disingenuous). Luckily, Mark gets his chance next, and he confesses that he's not very good in these situations. Their conversation doesn't seem forced, and it's finally relaxed and chill. Very Colorado. At the end of dinner, Mark gets the rose! Yay! Mike then awkwardly exits via gondola.

Before I get to the rose ceremony, can I please point out that there was not ONE gratuitous shirtless scene in this episode? Okay, Mike and Mark getting dressed before their date involved no shirts, but please. Um...ABC, the only reason anyone watches the Bachelorette is for the shirtless men in pools and hot tubs or just lounging around being shirtless. I mean, couldn't there have been some shirtless curling? Or a shirtless dinner scene? Work on it.

Back at the pre rose ceremony, tension is heightened. Jake hints to Jillian that there may be some guys here for the wrong reasons. Tanner goes even further to say he's heard someone say they have a girlfriend back home. Even without the scenes for next week's episode, we all know it's Wes, the guy who had just told Jillian he's "always been faithful." My ass. Faithful to your failing music career, perhaps. Jillian freaks, there is a total drama confrontation between Chris and Jillian and the boys, and it's all awkward. My favorite part was when everyone was asked to confess who it was, or who said what, and the cameras always came back to the tail-between-his-legs Tanner. Brilliant. He was SO dejected.

After zero resolution and emotional outbursts on behalf of a select crew of dudes, we're left with the rose ceremony and a bruised and battered cast.

1) Kiptyn
2) Jesse
3) Mark
4) Reid
5) Robby
6) Ed
7) Michael
8) Wes
9) Jake
10) Tanner - total surprise!

That leaves us with Mike, Juan and David heading home. Not gonna lie, I was surprised that sappy Juan was sent home. I predicted it to be Tanner and David, not Juan and David.

Awards:
1) Biggest pansy-ass: Tanner
2) Fame-hungry scene stealers: Wes and Michael
3) Latent homosexual: David

What do you bet Juan and David totally made out during the limo ride to the airport? Hate sex, anyone?

Until next week's drama,

Mike

Lucky 13

Lovers and friends. I'm a trainwreck and I've let you down too much. I didn't blog last week, I'm a day late this week, I'm pretty much a general mess when it comes to keeping you entertained. But I'm famous, you love me, and you keep coming back for more. Sidebar: who watches "Intervention" on A&E? Brilliant.

Anyway, back to biz. I'm back, my TV is better than ever, and this show is the dumbest thing on it. But little by little, we're weeding out the duds and meandering our way to true love. Oh wait...

So this week's episode has three dates: two one-on-one dates and one group date. The first one-on-one goes to Ed, the nice guy from Chicago. It's a "dangerous" date, which involves an annoyingly slow zip line from the top of a building down to a pool below. I mean honestly, who wants to inch along on a zip line through the sky? Was it broken or something? I'm looking for a thrill, people, not a yawn. In the pool scene, the editors prove that Ed has no bod as he's only featured under water. But he's nice, and they kiss...yadda yadda. He gets a rose, and we move on.

The second date is on a "film shoot" with 11 dudes and Jillian. They film a western, and it even includes a gay twist. I think we all saw the "Brokeback" dialogue prancing towards us from 100 gay miles away, but whatever. Brad wins the award for the most awkward kiss ever, and we all mute our respective TVs in horror. Robby, who finally gets his chance to shine, outperforms everyone and delivers an Oscar-worthy performance topped off with a sexy and romantic kiss. It was cute and we like him...even though he's a bartender. At the "wrap party" Juan once again proves he's a total DB and skeeves us all out with his sappy candor. Over it.

Meanwhile, at the manse, David is steaming and drinking and acting overly straight as always. Nothing like being a big straight dude from Kansas and 100% living up to our expectations! Anger Management, 101. I'm sure they teach that at Topeka Community College.

Back on the date, we have the gratuitous shirtless hot tub scene, and Tanner once again freaks out over Jillian's feet. Can we be done with the foot fetish already? I mean seriously, it's getting old. And gross. At the end, Robby gets the rose and we're all happy.

The second one-on-one date is a hot-rodding adventure with Sasha. Let's just say, his ears are big and he doesn't get a rose. Jillian is convinced he's too young and wet behind the big ears...and he doesn't get a rose! Is this a first? Probably not, but I don't care and Sasha is sent packing to TX in an LA city bus. Classy.

Back at home, Wes serenades Jillian with a generic country song he probably wrote when he was 8, but she falls for it. Jillian...really? This guy's a douche and we're over it. He also never takes off his shirt, which is an automatic -82 points.

At the pre rose ceremony, David, the "top dawg," only further cements his growing rep as House Psycho Hose Beast. His meathead tendencies lead him to cut off the dudes mid-sentence, drink far too much, trash Juan to pieces, and look like a general freak show. Clearly, I love this. It looks like his head is going to spin off at any minute. If I was on set, I'd be afraid for my life, but on a big-screen TV it's just fine. How many more episodes until he pulls a Christian Bale on the sound guy?!?

At the end of the night, these dreary-eyed and exhausted boys are left standing:
1) Ed
2) Robby
3) Jake
4) Reid
5) Mark, who has had NO face time yet
6) Jesse
7) Tanner P.
8) Wes
9) Juan
10) Michael
11) Kiptyn
12) Mike
13) David, who nearly stumbles b/c he's so blackout...or is it just rage-filled?

Adios to Sasha, Brad and Tanner F.

Awards:
1) Crazy-town: David
2) Oh Poor Me I'm a Raging Loser and Nobody Appreciates Me: Brad
3) Front-runner: Robby and Kiptyn

Until next week,

Mike

The Douchebaggery Resumes

Lovers and friends,

It's back. And so am I. First, the big news: there's been a major upgrade in my life. Not only do I watch my television under the stars in my new palatial estate with a new roommate and love of my life; I watch my television with a remote that fast-forwards and rewinds and tapes TV shows. Some of you may know this as "DVR." I know it as brilliant. Now I have more options besides the mute button! When inevitable awkwardness and disaster ensues, I can simply end it altogether! Can you handle The Bachelor Update 2.0? Why, you ask, did it take me so long to get DVR? Reminder: I'm famous and busy and why bother when you're a jet-setter? But since I got a massive apartment upgrade, I figured I'd upgrade the technology as well.

I'll keep this short and sweet, as opposed to ABC's approach to the show (two hours?? every time??). This season, our lovely bachelorette is Jillian, the scorned Canadian lover made famous by last season's hot tub scene with Jason. She's back, bitches, and she's ready to find love. But I'll be honest...do her suitors know she lives in Canada? Are they prepared to move their lives to this mythical land of peace and snow? Putting that thought aside, let's get to the dudes.

One of the things I love about The Bachelorette, is the brief respite we get from the lady drama of The Bachelor. Instead, it's replaced with the dude douchebaggery we've come to love so much. And also a few six packs. On that note, here are a few of the highlights of the 30 (yes, 30) lovers vying for Jillian's affection.

-A breakdance instructor.
-A "fitness model."
-A trucking coordinator. Where do I begin with this one...
-A man with no upper lip.
-An awkwardly tall and unattractive Brit.
-And the 82 requisite Texans.

As always, the arrival of the men provided a dizzying array of fashion don'ts, which I always love. Who let these men out of the house wearing these outfits? Neon green dress shirts? Cowboy hats? Fat ties that aren't tied tightly? I just can't.

Besides the heinously awkward silence/brainfreeze of David's arrival, the meet-and-greets were pretty painless. The men seemed very nervous as a whole, but nothing too drama. But wait...did anyone notice Jillian's dress towards the end of the arrivals? It was wet and brown on the bottom due to the wet pavement she stood on for 3 hours as the dudes arrived. Awesome! But don't worry...there was definitely a costume change before she enters the house. $100 bucks says none of the guys noticed.

The attention-grabbing commences immediately as Jillian enters the house. Guys steal Jillian away from each other, do embarrassing things, we all know how it goes. My favorite was the Kyle/Brian time with Jillian. Kyle, a picture-perfect cut-out of an alterna-Brooklynite competes for Jillian's attention with Brian, a picture-perfect cut-out of a hick from 'Bama. Loved it! Half-way through the night, five more dudes arrive (gasp!) to round out the dude-to-Jillian ratio at 30:1.

The First Impression Rose (FIR) is always the big moment of episode one, and this season it went to David, the man with the absolute WORST first impression of all. Remember? He walked up to Jillian and then went to completely mute for what seemed to be 82 seconds?

After two hours of boredom, Jillian selects 20 men to remain.

Danny
Jake
Jesse
Wes
Mathue (What? Are you kidding with this spelling?)
Michael
Robby
Ed
Reed (or is it Wade?)
Simon
Kiptyn (Kudos for best name.)
Mike
Brian
Sasha
Julien (Jillian and Julien? Um...no.)
Tanner P
Mark
Brad
Tanner F (Yes, two Tanners.)
Juan (Stop pretending you're from Argentina. You lived there for five minutes.)

Awards:
1) Best costume change: Jillian's arrival into the house in the exact same gown in which she greeted the men; only this one was clean!
2) Best alterna-attempt: Kyle, the Brooklynite, who was sent home in his skinny jeans.
3) Smallest upper lip: John H., the dude who almost cried after he was sent home. Barf.
4) Front-runners as of week 1: Kiptyn and Mark.

Until next week,
Mike