So we got major blue balls last week with NO ONE getting a real invite to the fantasy suite...so we're left hoping for some love making this week. And...well...we'll get there.
We're in Hawaii now, and it's time to turn up the volume. Can I get a naked hot tub scene up in here? It's been weeks, and good lord, I've had it. We need some shirtless dudes, topless chicks, and full on boning, thankyouverymuch. Or possibly a Viagra prescription...
First up is Kiptyn, bald spot and all. He arrives to Maui and is whisked away to a ropes course with little Jilly. Take this from a former ropes course guide (two summers in North Carolina, what?)...their little trist in the sky could have been a little tougher. What were they, 30 feet up? I spent two summers 50 feet in the air, so clearly I'm more hard core than Kiptyn and his bulging biceps. And I also like dudes, which makes me majorly hard core and masculine. So there. After their leap of faith and a cute little zip line, they have a romantic dinner during which Kiptyn is very much in to her. He's kind of turned the corner, folks. Is this guy falling for her? I actually think he is. The fantasy date is turned up a bit when they spend the night together...and here's hoping she grabbed hold of those arms and went for a wild ride.
Next up is my favorite contender, Reid. I'm going on a limb and labeling him the cutest contender left. And I'm sticking to it like a Philly cheesesteak sticks to your ribs and giant ass. These two are BY FAR the most physically in to each other, and my HDTV steamed right up as the lovers made out throughout the entire date. Reid finally takes his first (albeit inevitable) helicopter ride. After a scenic tour of Maui, they have a cute picnic where Reid surprises no one by not finding the right words to express his near love for Jillian. I, for one, find it pretty cute because he's so clearly falling for her and she totally knows it. She kind of annoyingly presses for the words during the picnic and again later, but sometimes you have to just settle for that look in the eyes, right? They're so affectionate and falling in love and we all know it. At dinner, Reid once again admits his indecisive nature. He also admits to being scared when he's offered the fantasy suite...but that fades away as they snuggle and bone in the hot tub. It was hot, ladies and ladies...hot with a capital Reid.
Last comes Ed. Or is he now Big Gay Ed? He spent the damn date in a tank top and short shorts. Who else thinks this 'mo took a swing (or 8) through Boystown during his little hiatus back in Chicago? Me, me, me!!! Okay, I'm g-a-y and I don't even know where to find a swimsuit with a 1-inch inseam. Give me a break. And someone pour that Nancy a cosmo. But back to the date. Ed and Jillian sail and swim in gay outfits and then, surprise!!, they go meet his parents. Total Midwest, and I love it. The time with his mom and dad was a bit forced, and Jillian took the route of used car salesman, as she totally tried to sell herself and her relationship with their short-short-wearing son. Ed pretends like he's falling in love with Jillian and that he's ready for engagement...but let's be honest. He's just trying to say the right thing so he can get out of there because his balls are being suffocated little by little in his swimsuit.
At the end of the day, Ed and Jillian go to the fantasy suite to...um...not connect physically. Dude's nads were probably malfunctioning from lack of oxygen, and although Ed said all the right things, his little man had NOTHING to say, and there was ZERO romance during their sexy time. Too bad for Ed and Little Ed...
Before the rose ceremony, we're greeted by video confessionals from the boys. Kiptyn's was cute, and expectedly macho and surfer dude bro-ish...but fine. Reid's was perhaps the cutest to date. He fully opened up, and you could tell he was so genuinely ready to grow with Jillian. Although he called himself her "honeybear," I cleaned up my vomit and moved on because we're all in love with Reid and want him to marry us. (Except for me b/c I'm in love with my own honeybear and I want him to marry me.) And then Ed and his non-balls drops the "L" bomb. ARE YOU KIDDING?!? I just can't. Jillian's reaction was classic. Total drop-jaw. And I loved it.
At the rose ceremony, Jillian is a little messy. Before she makes her decision, she asks to talk to Ed. Surprisingly wearing pants, Ed obliges and chats with Jillian. He again says all the right things and assures her that he's a-okay. I don't think she bought it. And his suit SUCKS. Who is this guy?
1) Kiptyn
2) Ed.
WHAT?!?!? Are you F-ING KIDDING ME?!?! I'm done and I hate this show. Best of luck with a guaranteed unsuccessful relationship with a) a dumper, or b) a gay in short shorts and a bad suit.
Mike
p.s. Don't bother applying to be the next bachelor. Reid, you're the guy.
5 comments:
Can't BELIEVE she let Reid go. I'm done with her. DONE! I was shocked. Reid's reluctance to declare his love in my opinion is a GOOD thing. A normal thing. The fact that he cares that she is with two other guys...this all means he is normal and he cares. Ed just strikes me as always saying the right thing. When he said "I love you" in that video, my heart dropped. I actually think that if it weren't for that, Reid would have been in the final two. Ed's lack of eye contact with Jillian bothers me. Why am I going on about this? She just let a great guy go... Not watching anymore.
jimkim77, i heart you! you're right on...
Mike, I can't believe you missed the funniest moment with Ed in the Fantasy Suite, when he smelled his armpit! (We hit rewind on TiVo to make sure). Ugh. I'm so sick of him. And possibly signing up to be on the next Bachelor to have a shot with cute Reid. :)
Hey Mike - It's official; Jillian's an idiot. I can't believe she let Reid go. He was the most interesting of all the guys! I do not think, however, that Reid would be a good candidate to become the next bachelor...can you just see him stumbling through rose ceremonies? The man needs time, not a six week excursion to fantasydateland. And I think that's why Jillian cut him loose. She wants more than a promise ring; her clock is ticking! ***Either that or she gets an extra $100,000 for getting a proposal...(there is some payoff for whoever wins, right? I mean otherwise how can you explain all the boo-hooing when they don't get a rose???)***
Ed? Yeah, thanks for filling me in there. Truthfully, I didn't hear a word of what was said because I was mesmorized by those shorts of his. I'm thinking they might have been his old gym shorts from 1977 or something...but he's not that old is he?
Sigh.
Peevish...you're SO right on! I agree Reid wouldn't be the best bachelor, but we love him all the same. And for Ed...well...he belongs on Fire Island.
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