"I'm ready for the reproductive stage."

Well folks, the above-quoted sentence is one we’ve all learned never to say. Thanks Crazy…I mean Allie.


Friends, lovers, and everyone in between,

It’s back. And so am I.

Oh, and so are the crazies. Her name is Allie, by the way. And apparently she’s an oncologist. If we could go ahead and refer her to the nearest psychiatrist, that’d be great.

And on with the show…

We join Hotty McHot-a-Doc in Paris. Naturally, he’s educated, hot, and loaded with traits aimed at raising his stock price. Namely, he’s a doctor named Travis who says things like, “Yeah, it’s very big.” More on that quote to come.

Travis, by the way, might be my comeback kid. His stock is cresting (again, a Hot Doctor), he lives in the South, and he’s the next Bachelor. Thank you ABC, you just may have picked a winner. Oh let’s be honest, he’ll choose some chick and they’ll break it off two months later. But I blog on…

The ladies arrived to the chateau limo by limo, one by one. Some were cute. Some wore bad dresses. And some spoke of their dying eggs and their need to make babies ASAP. Note to self, never mention dying eggs and necessary reproduction during first five minutes of meeting man of dreams. (Also realize that I don’t have eggs.)

A few highlights of the arrivals: Kristen’s (a.k.a. “Jugs”) huge boobs; Moana’s disastrous dress; Princess’s name; Jaime’s dress and mall hair; and Sarah’s (the Canadian) stoned demeanor.

Note to ABC: we’re on to you. You only film the hoes that he picks and/or cause drama. It makes rose time less exciting. Also, work on the music. I’ve asked for three (3) seasons now for new music, and you’ve yet to deliver. It’s getting old.

Okay, back to the show. The first rose went to Sarah from Canada (I’m sorry…where is that again?). She was stoned. It’s just that simple.

The remaining roses went to:
1) Cole
2) Moana who wore a bad dress and ugly leaf earrings
3) Jennifer who’s a “model”
4) Elizabeth
5) Shiloh who was named after some horse that I rode when I was 6.
6) Yvonne
7) Jehan
8) Susan
9) Tara
10) Sarah from TN who’s cute
11) “Jugs” (Kristen)

And now, for tonight’s awards.

-Best Occupation: Jehan. She’s a “Vitamin Sales Rep.”
-Best Quote: “Yeah, it’s very big.” –Travis. (See above.)
Runner-up: “I work in a hospital” –Travis. Just say you’re a doctor, you humble sh*t.
-Best—i.e. WORST—name: Princess (runners up are Shiloh, Venus and Jehan)
-Cutest: Sarah and Sarah. Get ready to duke it out, bitches.
-Worst Moment: “I’m ready for the reproductive stage.” – Allie. Get some help.
-Biggest Stoner: Sarah from…where?...Canada??
-HOLY CRAZY AWARD: Allie. Enjoy your flight home. And remind me to tell all your patients you’re crazy.
-Coolest: Me. Obviously.


Until next week, au revoir,

Mike, your devoted, loving, redeemed blogger.

The time has come.

Our lives are again complete (starting at 10 p.m.).

Oh no ABC didn't...

T-minus 5 days until The Bachelor: Paris. Don't even lie about it.

Seriously.

I'm on to you, NYPD and NYFD!

After three years in this delightful city, I am hereby proposing a theory. After numerous tests of my hypothesis, it has been scientifically proven: the NYPD and NYFD allocate their hot officers to make house calls, and the also-rans do the dirty work (like saving lives, fighting fires, and other sundry duties). How great is the word "sundry," by the way?

The most recent instance occurred this morning at my place of employment. After a new co-worker involuntarily set off the security alarm, two cops strutted in to make sure all was well in our comfy loft above West Broadway. The cops? Hot. Especially the dark-haired one to whom I gave a "tour" of our office.

In addition to witnessing house calls by firemen in their full garb twice now, my theory has been proven. Any of you who concur, feel free to add your own experiences.

God I love this city.

All I'm sayin'...

...is The Bachelor: Paris begins on January 9, 2006. You best know I'm going to try my hardest to blog the sh*t out of it. But it all depends on the cast. Pray to Baby Jesus that it's good, so I can keep you (and myself) entertained by writing a weekly update.

Hope your Chrismakahkwanzaa's are good.

Stay tuned...you'll have a little belated holiday treat in your inbox on the morning of January 10, 2006.

Until then, does anyone know of a good worker's comp lawyer? I got a paper cut today at work, and I'm looking to sue someone.

Lovingly,

Mike

i wasn't kidding...

...when i said i got random, disastrous messages from people who happen to be located in the eastern hemisphere. please see below, but be forewarned that it is EXTREMELY upsetting. please note his superb writing/grammar skills. and also the fact that i might have to report him to the chinese government. reading this makes me feel dirty.

----

hi Mike love
Message:
hi i am a gay guy from China. buttom gay.you know?when i watching your pic i am fall in love with you i really love you please!15yrs old. Now I am looking for a good,successful man to give me real love. care me and look after me.otherwise i need a his kind-hearted for me to pay of my education in US because the education in China is very bad. i can't stand it.!i am lonely that i need a man to love me. i can have sex with you as well.cau you help me and love me?if you want please send a message to my (random email address deleted here) or (deleted again) and icq is (deleted). can you dear? i beg you !i really want to be with you!you attract me so much.i really want you need you love you madly and deeply!

Anti-Weirdo Device Needed

As a follow-up to to the previous post, the copious random Friendster messages from horny chicks have more or less ended. In the "Who I want to meet" section (which should read "Whom I want to meet," thankyouverymuch), I referenced my preference for the man-types.

The messages have, however, been replaced by random friend requests from the denizens of many Asian/South Pacific countries. The most popular, as of now, are the Philippines, India, China and Taiwan.

No, I don't want to be in your "network." And no, I don't want to be your friend. I always hated penpals as a youngster, and that's pretty much what a random Friendster from Manila will amount to.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

E-politics...

So my profile on Friendster says I'm looking for "friends." This is clearly a problem. For the first time since mid-college, girls are taking interest in me--okay, so certain girls quit trying in high school when I received the superlative, "Broadway Bound," but many females thought I was on their market for quite some time. Take Friendster, for instance. Chicks on that site dig me since my status has gone from "In a Relationship" to "Single." Amazing.

Case in point: today I received a message from, oh, we'll call her Jocelyn. She messaged me and wrote, "You're adorable." Admittedly, I love a good compliment, but come on. Jocelyn is originally from Southhampton. Under affiliations, she lists Young Republicans Club.

Simply unacceptable. Does she know I'm partial to men? Does she know that her people hate me?

Oh the politics of Friendster. What is a man to do? Does one suck it up and put "Relationship Men," "Dating Men" on his profile in fear of the inevitable barrage from e-stalkers? Does one hope that those savvy Friendster users will be able to de-code "Friends" as meaning, "Okay, I'm gay, but I just don't want to be on the e-market too much. And I wouldn't mind making out with you if you're hot, smart, funny, and basically perfect. But you have to be a man."? Maybe I'll contact my Friendster peeps and persuade them to put the previous sentences as a new category.

Comments? Advice? Do I write Jocelyn and the other chicks back describing the fact that their efforts will be fruitless?

Oops

Um...so...yeah...

So much for the chronicles of my life as a bachelor in the city. It's been sixth months since my last post, so I'll quickly summarize some important milestones that took place: 1) I lived in Berkeley in June; 2) I got strep throat when I returned; 3) I got a job; 4) Ninety-eight natural disasters occurred; 5) I became an uncle; and 6) Katie Holmes got knocked up by her completely normal and sane boytoy, Tom Cruise.

That's pretty much it. I think those were the defining moments of the past six months, right? Oh, I was a non-bachelor for a while too. But now I'm a bachelor again. Thus, I return to you.

But let's be honest. I probably won't write for another six months.

If, however, you want me to write...give me ideas. What material can fuel my witty banter? Are there things I should be bitching about that you'd like to read? Is there another season of The Bachelor coming up?

digame pronto

The new "Bachelor Update"

Since my last post, my life has changed. "How?" you ask? 1) I no longer have a job (this is a good thing, I promise). 2) My hair has grown. 3) This blog is no longer devoted to chronicling the trials of ABC's latest bachelor or bachelorette.

Welcome to the new and improved "Bachelor Update." The bachelor is no longer Big Gay Bob, a soulless Jen, or a hot, but too short, Andrew Firestone. It is me, a real-life bachelor living through his mid-twenties in an urban playground.

Last week I resigned from my job. On my first day of freedom I locked myself out of my apartment in a bit of a hungover haze. Unfazed, I headed to the gym and sweat off the previous night's liquor much to the dismay of the elderly gent next to whom I was ellipticaling. When I returned home I was still unable to enter mi casa. Still un-annoyed (for those of you who know me well, I would usually have been damn annoyed by this point--but seeing as I had no obligation to speak of, I was calm and cool), I tried to break in via the fire escape. After scaling down a rusty ladder and cutting both my knees and a finger, my debut at breaking and entering was unsuccessful. So I decided to wait for my roommate on the stairs.

While sitting on the stairs, a neighbor I had never met came out with concern (she had seen my twice within the hour sitting on the steps, bored and sweaty from the gym). Although I refused her offer of chilling in her apartment, I did put my recently-purchased milk in her fridge. I then asked her about her roommate who I hadn't seen lately. She said, with obligatory smile, "Oh. That was my ex-husband." Sheepishly I said, "Um...I'm sorry. That was rude." She shrugged it off, but clearly I had scraped at a recently hardened scab of emotion. Funny, right? Well, the backstory is even better.

Back in August when I moved in, I soon realized I had a creepy neighbor. I caught him peeping in the windows across the air shaft, and his many glances soon warranted closed curtains. I deemed him the sketchy gay neighbor.

And now we know why the divorce occurred.

Anyway, I've realized I'm all about not working. If there is anyone out there who feels the need to pay me to watch the "Ellen DeGeneres Show," "Homes Across America," and other quality shows, feel free to drop me a line (or simply wire me money).

Until the next update, I'll be reading, sunning myself, and watching movies.

New Season, Same Sh*t

I can't. I just really can't anymore.

Jerry O'Connell's B-list brother (what's his name?) is too awkward and the girls blow goats. It's just that simple.

More Juicy Deets on Jerry's loser/poser status

Read the deets below from a fellow e-stalker.

Hey, Someone posted this inside scoop on the web: I know Jason Cerebone who is one of many producers on the show. What he FINALLY dished after last night was over. He said Jen was obviously infatuated with Jerry and wanted to give them a chance, although she immediately said it was going to be a "big leap of faith". They were scheduled for 3 rendevous dates/meetings during the 6 week production hiatus. After the first one, things seemed to be going well, although it was basically a release of physical tension/attractions. During the second rendevous in early December, they began to actually "talk" about who they really are, what their goals are etc. Jen flat out questioned Jerry's motives after seeing some of the production dailies and hearing the gossip about his past. Truth be told, he flat out told her his primary motives in moving to LA was to in fact develop a acting career, although that had no bearing on his decision and motives to do the bachelorette. Jen could not let that go. She was convinced that he used the show to his advantage and coupled with the fact that Jerry's gallery job was nothing more than working at the front desk and on overseeing the display crew (the ones who hang the art on the walls for shows) - she thought he was a phony. Many insiders felt it was more an issue of the fact that he has never really held a real job and is not a career or money focused. They mutually agreed to not bad mouth one another for the sake of their potential career goals. This took place in mid-January. This also explains Jen getting slightly frustrated with Jerry's acting surprised. Another thing that Jason said was that all 6 producers knew the outcome as did Chris Harrison and this was ironically the most difficult finale to keep under wraps due to the fact that Jen started behaving like a single girl in Chicago as early as Decemeber. And also was more visible than past bachelorettes to media questions.

Worst Finale EVER

Seriously pissed. Ewww...

Okay, now that that’s out of me, let’s get to the dirt.

First, the boys visited Jen’s hometown. John Paul was the first to arrive in beautiful Cleveland, and said, "I love your town." No. It’s Cleveland. We know you’re lying. Their conversations were diplomatic as always, and we realized that seeing John Paul and Jen together is a bit forced and odd. The script writers were really on during this episode, as each line was delivered with perfect memorization even though everything they said didn’t apply to what they were feeling. Okay, J.P. spoke from the heart, but Jen wasn’t. She should run for president. Jen’s brother is hot, Midwestern, and a little bit mean. He should have taken his shirt off, but instead, he shared a beer with J.P. John Paul’s visit was fine, and the fam loved him.

Next, socially awkward and emotionally barren Jerry arrived in Cleveland. We learned that he is a "Gallery Director." No, he’s a doorman. He used to be a doorman where he got Jen’s ring, and we all know it. His lack of emotion was as evident as ever, and he was nervous and weird at Jen’s house. My favorite? The fact that Mom put Jerry’s flowers in John Paul’s vase. Brilliant. And more on Mom. She totally bobbed Jerry’s knob, and they held hands like a dirty couple. My biggest issue with this visit: were they drinking white zinfandel at dinner? If so, that’s just wrong.

What did we learn from these hometown dates? J.P. is way cuter than we have given him credit for. And Jerry is still weird. As in, holy awkward Batman.

Jen’s friends soon arrived back in New York to stress her out. In case you were wondering, they were still both blonde, and both very dumb. I secretly wondered if they both slept with both men and told Jen who was better. I mean, she needs to know if they’ve got the necessary equipment.

After picking out a horrendous dress for the final rose ceremony and after a teary jaunt with the friends to Harry Winston (if only she knew Jerry used to open the door there!), the friends left to go see the Eiffel Tower. Wait...the Eiffel Tower is in Paris?

Next, the boys headed to Harry Winston. Jerry chummed it up with old co-workers and picked an ugly ring. John Paul, on the other hand, got a $50,500 ring that kicked major ass. Damn, that boy has style.

Too bad his style wasn’t enough. He got majorly dissed at the rose ceremony and is now one of the most eligible bachelors in America. But I’ve reserved him for a friend.

Then we waited an hour for Jen to tell us exactly what I told you a couple weeks ago. Jen’s over Jerry, and she has proven that I am not only amazing, but very smart in my reality prophesy: she is in love with a rich midget in Chicago. She has also proven that this show is the biggest waste of my damn time ever. Sorry friends.

Tonight’s Awards:
1) Ugliest Dress: Jen’s. You looked chubby.
2) Hottest arms: John Paul’s. Damn. You be lookin’ fine.
3) Most embarrassing ode to love: The shit-ass song Jerry wrote for Jen. Gross.
4) Quote of the night: John Paul to Jen, "I love your town." Dude, Cleveland doesn’t rock, it blows. Note to the Cleveland city council: just move away already. Your town sucks.
5) Biggest mistake by ABC: Making this night 3 F-ING HOURS LONG! And airing this season to begin with.
6) Biggest liar: "I have no doubts" Jen. The Jen who doubted Jerry’s love for her, and thus didn’t accept the ring at first.
7) Biggest joke of a turn-down: Jen turning down Jerry on live TV. Please, they broke up two months ago. Nice acting Jen and Jerry. You’ve cleary rehearsed.
8) Most skeletons in closet: Jerry. I don’t like you, and when I come to L.A. I might pee on your gallery door. And if you’re really lucky, I might barf on it just like I barfed on a New York City subway this weekend.
9) Biggest gold-digger: Jen. And I thought I liked you...

Until next season (don’t count on it),
Mike, your disenchanted bachelorite

The Men Tell All: Or do they?

Since I’ve never reviewed a "Men Tell All" episode, I don’t plan on breaking new ground.

But I’m doing it anyway. Just a little bit, though.

A few notes on tonight’s show.
1) Chris, our out-dated announcer, referred to Jen as a "Midwest Darling." He forgot to remind us that she isn’t so much a darling, but a "Midwest Gold-digger." *See previous post.
2) Fabrice. Oh Fabrice. Please reference the title of this post. You have neglected to tell us that you’re gay. You are. And you’ve also gained a good 15 lbs (el bees). Your face is fatter, your tummy isn’t toned, and we’re over you. I think you have a crush on Andrew, by the way. And you want me too, of course.
3) Andrew. You’re still hella cute. I want you like it’s nobody’s business. I always knew you wanted me too, so just admit it. Except I’m dating Ian. God I love that he broke up with Meredith.

Until next week, let’s hold our breath. Jen accepts Jerry’s proposal on live TV, breaks up with him a week later, and starts dating a short and fat restaurant owner a few weeks later. God, that’s hot. Do we think my predictions are correct?

Until the *8 p.m.* finale next week (note that it's an hour earlier than normal),
Mike

Can't Resist

Here's the deal. Don't read on if you want to be surprised by this unsurprising season.

1) John Paul and Jerry both propose. Jen chooses Jerry.
2) They break up a week later.
3) Jen is now dating entrepreneur/club owner/restauranteur Billy Dec, a Chicago native. He's ugly, but rich.
**When I mean not cute, I'm serious:
http://www.rockitranch.com/bios_dec.html
4) Jen was paid $60,000 to do the show this season.
5) Jen is a certified gold digger.

There you have it. God I love my spies who do the dirty work for me!

Let's take bets. Am I right??

Juicy Deets

Since I'm famous, I've just heard all the juicy deets about this not-so-juicy season of "The Bachelorette" (i.e. I know what happens, et cetera). Do you love it?

Another bad one.

Review 6: Most boring episode ever

This was the night of nothing really happening except the obvious.

Tonight we met the lovebirds in three tropical locales. While the locales were hot, the romance was not.

The first date united John Paul and Jen in a rainy Bermuda for a hot (I mean not) date. Okay, yes, they were rather cute, and her boobs looked amazing, but the crazy-hot connection was a bit lacking and we weren’t able to hear any hot moaning during their night together in-lieu of a night alone. Ugh...

Next we traveled west to find Jerry and Jen in Hilton Head for date two. Jerry, as always, arrived without his personality, and thus, our night was a bit boring. By boring I mean canned responses, cockiness and his ever-present smirk. Jen had worries of him being a "player," and I think we all shared the same concern. The "all romance (what romance?!?) no substance" premonitions held true as Jerry confused Jen with his pre-packaged cute-isms and meaningless jibber-jabber. Again, we were left with no hot necking in the fantasy sweet. Is Jen a prude, or is ABC toying with our emotions?

Speaking of toying with another’s emotions, we next joined Ryan and Jen in a chilly Cape Cod. I’m sorry, who goes to Cape Cod in the cold? Not fun. Ryan got screwed on this date, and not in the good sense. We began the date with some shameless product placement on behalf of Oral-B’s Brush Up whitening agent. Yeah...I’ve never witnessed such obvious product placement on a reality show before, but I guess there’s a first for everything. After he brushed clean, the two not-at-all-lovebirds had some obligatory chatter. Jen said–in so many words–"Okay, you’re really hot, but your family is LOONY. I have not interest in you." Then, they spent a night in the fantasy suite which probably came without the fantasy, and surely without a happy ending.

My friends and lovers, this date has solidified the fact that I am entirely not invested in this season. I used to approach each episode with an elevated heart rate and a raging case of the smiles. Now I simply gulp my wine and roll my eyes. It’s sad that I, "The Bachelorette’s" number one fan, am disinterested and bored. There is nothing about which to be excited, and I’m sad about the lack of development. At this point, I’m hoping for some sort of disaster. (Picture Jen finding out she’s pregnant with Fabrice’s gay lovechild.)

So, after the supposedly dramatic rose ceremony, we’re left with:
1) John Paul. I'm getting cuter, but I still have a funky lip.
2) Jerry. I'm still super sketchy and honing my acting chops.

Adios to Ryan. Go to Thailand with your parents. I’m sure they’re ready and willing to play "tour guide" for you.

Tonight’s awards:
1) Worst all-black rose ceremony suit: Ryan. Enjoy life back in the reality of your weird family.
2) Worst choice of tie: Jerry. All yellow? Never again, please.
3) Worst dress: Jen. No more shiny, shimmery dresses. You looked pregnant. (With Fabrice’s baby??)
4) Most unimpressed: Me. Ugh.....

Until two weeks from now (I probably won’t review the "Men Tell All" bullshit–except Andrew is making an appearance and I might have to make out with him),

Mike, your disenchanted blogger

Another bad one.

Footloose and Drama-free

I am writing this in a mini fit of rage. I just spent forty minutes writing the last update and while I was publishing it, I lost my internet connection. Please forgive me if you sense anger in the following update.

Episode five brought little enjoyment to my life. Contrived situations, lack of raw emotion, and four chemistry-free dates were about all we had to cling to here. We traveled to four cities, met four families, and multiplied the boredom by four.

The first date united a cowboy-boot-wearing Jen with John Paul in Oklahoma City (OK!). Although John Paul's oddly-shaped upper lip still looked weird in his hometown, the date went just fine. We met his nice, normal family...a.k.a. the source of all his money. What we liked about this date: his family's nice house, his cute mom, and his dad's man-braces. Brilliant! After the family, we went back to John Paul's own house, which was quite nice for a 25-year-old. The chef of his restaurant cooked them a meal and it was yummy. Wait, who owns a restaurant at the age of 25? And, more importantly, did we know there were restaurants in Oklahoma City? I always figured there were simply local chopping blocks where burly men cut slabs of beef and took them home to grill for their kin. You learn something new every day. Restaurants in Oklahoma? Who knew?!?

The next date brought us to meet Ryan's crazy, unloving, and boring family in Oregon. His parents had just returned home from an exotic vacation in Thailand where they learned that paper umbrellas were made by hand. We, on the other hand, learned that his parents were annoying, his sister was a mute, and the date was awkward. They ate Barburritos. Ewww. Even better? His mom apparently wallpapers with construction paper and makes people sign their names on it. Classic. And very classy too. We figured the romance between Ryan and Jen was caput.

The third date found a smiley and goofy Wendell playing host to Jen. They met at his kickass loft, but soon drove to the burbs to meet his drunk family. Mom, sister Wendy (Wendell and Wendy? Hello?!?), his look-alike brother, and other people who obviously didn't matter enough for me to remember their names. They all drank too much and it was fun. And by too much, I mean just the right amount. Drunky McDrunkerson Wendy needed subtitiles to convey her drunk words, and I loved it. But, sadly, Mom hit it head-on: Jen just wasn't that into him. Oh well, nothing that a few drinks can't take care of.

The fourth date found Jen and Jerry in a powerless Rochester. We soon learned, through, that Jerry is more than meets the eye. He has a deaf mom and he knows sign language. The character development was exciting, but the depth of his character soon evaporated when he said that, "Jen needs to show me her willingness to learn sign language." I'm sorry, what? And we revert to the Jerry we know so well: fake, cocky, and lacking in anything but his supposed good looks.

So there you have it, folks. We are waiting with baited breath for ABC to spice things up. Apparently, they plan on doing just that next week when Jen shakes it up at a dramatic rose ceremony. Will she dump all three guys and re-ignite the love with Firestone? Will she keep all three and have a raging orgy? Or will she ditch the show and campaign for gay rights with Fabrice? Only time will tell.

But for now, we're left with (can you sense my enthusiasm since I'm so invested in them?):

1) John Paul and his funky lip.
2) Jerry and his personality-free lifestyle.
3) Ryan and his weird family.

We're sad to see Wendell go, but since he was more of a brother, we're kind of happy that we don't have to witness what would have amounted to a sort of incest. Yeah...that would have been weird. He's cute, he's Midwestern, and some drunk Chicago slut will make his night this weekend. Speaking of Chicago sluts, I want to give a shout out to all my best girls in Chi-town, and to the chick who inappropriately caressed my nether regions at the bar on New Years. Chicago girls are forward (and oblivious to my hankering for guys).

Tonight's Awards:

1) Orthodontist's dream family: John Paul's fam. Three sets of braces in one family all at once? Oh my!
2) Most powerless city: Rochester. Damn those blackouts!
3) Most boring blogger: Me. Sorry, the juicy drama is really lacking this season.

Until next week's most dramatic rose ceremony ever,

Mike

Ian comes to his senses!

Meredith and Ian SPLIT!

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/02/tv.bachelorettesplit.ap/index.html

Ian, my love, what took you so long? At least I know that our love can flourish now without fear of the paparazzi. This commuting to and from LA simply to clandestinely see each other has been a burden we can no longer bear.

When the couple said, "Things didn't work out as we had hoped," they meant, Ian is in love with Mike, and Meredith isn't in to his dual-life.

See you tonight, my dear Ian. I'll bring dinner to your place at about 8.