The Bachelorette is Back.

With no respite whatsoever, ABC has begun another to-be-doomed season of the worst show on television—and we love it. It’s back folks. The tables have once again turned, and this season, a woman holds the cards. It’s as if the genders are “equal” or something. I’m rather confused, but excited all at once because we get to see boys make fools of themselves (and hopefully take off their shirts).

Before I get to the analysis of the disappointing crop of dudes, let me first comment on the re-introduction of Ms. DeAnna Pappas. They paint the picture of unrequited love, of heartbreak, of despair. Wow, she sure seems like a woman I’d like to date! (No jokes from the peanut gallery, please.) Yet, through it all, she is apparently Ms. Available!

I have two goals for this season: 1) Lots of mrama (man drama); and 2) lots of mears (man tears). And on to the show.

The 25 suitors arrived limo by limo to meet the gold-clad DeAnna whose butt looked big in her dress. ABC did a nice job of foreshadowing major players of the season with the quick intro of the boys in their hometowns (namely, Jason, the Single Dad). Clearly he’s sticking around for a while. He’s also hot, so he wins! Yay!

As the arrivals begin, we realize that DeAnna looks better than most of the losers she’s hoping to marry (who wore far too many dark-colored dress shirts). Also, was it just me, or was there a one-in-five twirl ratio? Why did the men feel the need to twirl DeAnna as though they were on the dance floor? Is this what straight people do upon meeting others of the opposite sex? It’s beyond me, and, quite frankly, embarrassing.

This episode offers a new twist in that DeAnna gets three First Impression Roses. Clearly they’re going to the three hottest guys, because what better way to impress than with stunning good looks? DeAnna surprises no one by quickly choosing the hottest guy (and last to arrive) of them all for the first First Impression Rose: Jeremy, the attorney from TX. Hot. Take of your shirt.

As we meet the men through the evening, we realize that ABC has successfully cast the show and fulfilled all necessary quotas.

Doesn’t Fit Into A Mold/Free-Thinking/Weird-Dressing Guy: Jesse
Horrible Midwestern Accent Guy: Fred
Faith-filled Virgin Guy: Ryan
Divorced Guy: Ron
Endearing and Hot Single Dad Guy: Jason
Canadian Guy: Paul
Homosexual Guy: To Be Determined

As the night progresses, DeAnna awards the next two First Impression Roses to Jesse and his Technicolor Dreamcoat, and Richard the Science Nerd. Richard wins the Dark Horse Award in the First Impression Rose race for stealing Jason and/or Graham’s thunder as frontrunners.

A few notes on the contenders…

Ron, the divorced barber, cannot converse, has no personality, and has HORRENDOUS style. I’m sorry, a vest with the tie untucked? What?

(I love The Bachelorette for showcasing guys and their lack of style. With no one telling them what to wear, we never know what we’ll see!)

Fred’s accent is excruciatingly awful, and simply unbearable. Where was he raised? In the bar next to Soldier Field? I mean, I’m from Michigan, but this is too much!

Ryan has never boned, and he sucks.

Luke, the oyster farmer, gives DeAnna a pearl necklace and Robert, the cook, gives her crabs. All on the first date!

Graham is hot.

Eric is Greek.

Brian from IN is a loser who shows off his not-so-good abs.

Paul jumps in the pool and wears underwear with DeAnna’s name on them.

Sean kicks a lemon off Jesse’s head because he’s in to martial arts (he also has a mullet).

Greg, the personal trainer, speaks in the third person, has 82 tats, and has chest acne from the steroids. If that isn’t hot, I don’t know what is.

Jenni, the other lover Brad Womack scorned, returns to give DeAnna advice. And she’s apparently engaged? Amazing.

After a rather uneventful first episode, DeAnna chooses her lovers.

1) Jeremy
2) Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
3) Richard
4) Ron
5) Graham
6) Eric
7) Robert
8) Sean
9) Ryan. Gotta keep the virgin around!
10) Chris
11) Paul
12) Fred. Ugh, that accent!
13) Twilley (I’m sorry, what? Did you say “Twilley”?)
14) Jason
15) Brian TX

Tonight’s awards:
1) Best Outfit: Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
2) Least Sexed: Ryan the Virgin.
3) Surprising early exits: Chandler the Southern boy and Luke the oyster farmer.
4) Douche: Greg, the personal trainer
5) Possible Dark Horse: Twilley
6) Frontrunners: Jeremy, Graham, Jason. The three hottest dudes.

Until next week,

Mike