The Bachelor Update: Yodelayyyyy Heeee Hooooooo!

Let's be honest. I'm in between two work trips and I just can't spare two hours of my life to watch this garbage. That said, I was able to spare about an hour to cram this mess into my busy and important schedule. Because I love you all so much, obviously.

Episode #5 takes place in Munich, Germany. Fun! Spricken zeeeeeee deutch? Or something?

Date one: one-on-one with Chris. We all know I love Chris, but does Desiree? They spend the day being cute tourists. They eat sausage, they dance to tuba bands, and they try on lederhosen. It's interrupted by Bryden, who sends himself home. Who cares? He needed a haircut anyway. Back to the date. Chris and Des share a romantic dinner where Chris shares a poem. I do hate poems, but it was super cute and she cried and did a head-grab kiss. It's serious, y'all. Head-grab kisses are legit.

Date two: group date. They start off on a mountaintop, where a yodeler serenades them. The boys then yodel to her. Eeek. They sled, they snowball fight, and they go to an igloo bar. They all share drinks, good times and yodels. The rose goes to Brooks.

Date three: the dreaded two-on-one between Michael and...GASP...Ben. They start off in a Tug Tub...A FLOATING HOT TUB. Honestly, I would die for one of these. Also, Michael and Ben are so super awkward and competitive, it's just plain awful. Later, they share dinner. Michael throws Ben under the bus about his commitment to religion and his family...it's pretty bad and Des doesn't so much appreciate it. But ultimately, Michael gets the rose. Bye to Ben.

Meanwhile, back at the manse. James apparently tells the boys that if he loses the show, he'll run the town of Chicago. If he places in the top four, he'll likely be the next bachelor. James, get a grip.

At the rose ceremony, Chris asks Des about kissing the boys. If she were to only kiss one, she would choose Brooks. Telling?

Desiree also tells us that she is 100% ready to send one guy home and she sees no need for a rose ceremony. What's best? These guys are dying to out James as a d-bag and they've lost their opportunity. Sorrrryyyyy!

Roses go to: