The Bachelor Update: Finding love in New Jersey. And other impossibilities.

As I sit in my fancy hotel overlooking the sunset over Tampa Bay (jealous?!), I'm able to take a moment to reflect on the joy that blogging the worst television show in the history of America has brought me over the past 882 seasons of failure. Absolutely none.

Tonight's episode really departs from the norm. It's the fourth episode, which means we're changing locations. We'll also have three dates. Surprised yet? Yeah...me too. This year, our first non-LA stop is Atlantic City, NJ. Or, as I refer to it, Vegas in Jersey: where dreams (and hookers) go to die. I'd also say the same about Jersey in general, but I'll be nice and not say that this time. Oh wait...

First date goes to Brad the Dad. He's a bit quiet and reserved. Can his personality shine through and surprise us? I can only imagine how much fun an accountant can be. I'm thinking color-coded spreadsheets could be in Desiree's future, but only if she's lucky. They frolic on the boardwalk and end up at a dinner in a lighthouse to see if Brad can really carry a conversation. They have pretty much NO connection whatsoever. Nervous laughter, awkward silences, the stuff dreams are made of. After their bad dinner, they walk to the top of the lighthouse where...well...more silence ensues. And then she dumps him. Why waste the steps and breath? The weirdest part? He cries!

Next date: Brooks, Bryden, Zack K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Mikey, Michael G., Ben, Chris. They head to a random gymnasium where they're greeted by Miss America in what seems to be a denim dress (?). We soon learn they're there to compete in a pageant: "The Bachelorette's Mr. America." In front of a live audience. Their coaches? A waify queen who is trying his best to play straight (fat [or skinny] chance, lady), and Miss America herself. In a matter of minutes, the men are in heels, skates and hula hoops trying their best to develop some sort of talent. But the real gem? The swimsuits. We have banana hammocks galore, and it's brilliant.

Now, on to the pageant. First, we start with the question portion. It's epically hilarious. Chris's answer to what he needs to work on in a relationship is taking girls to dinner more often. Mikey talks about his softer side. It's horrible. Next up: talent. Chris wears heels and plays with hula hoops; Bryden humps the sky in front of the mayor of Atlantic City; and Zak jams on the the guitar with a pretty good voice that brings Des to tears. And then the swimsuit competition. Annoyingly, ABC cuts out the majority of the speedos. Finally, we get to find out who the winner is: Kasey. He tapped, he wore red pants, and he won. Congrats, social media guy. #congrats.

Later, they wrap up with a pool party. Lucky for the boys who were in speedos for the pageant , as they were able to put on their trunks. Chris was the first to get some alone time, and he read her a cute little poem and followed up with a kiss. He was sexy in his pink trunks, and I'm pretty sure she loved it. Next up was Ben. I'm not convinced she's really in to him, and it's clear the guys are over him. Frankly, the dudes are pissed that he's alive because he's clearly the devil. The rose ends up going to Zak W., after he finished off his serenade to Des.

The last date goes to James. As opposed to an over-the-top date, the potential lovebirds get taken around the Jersey shore to survey the damage from that bitch, Hurricane Sandy...in a helicopter, of course. The damage is pretty intense, especially in Seaside Heights. My favorite was when they met the elderly couple, Manny and Jan. Their accents could not have been better. It. Was. WON-DAH-FUL. But what was cute is that Des and James gave up their date to the couple, who seemed genuinely touched. It was really cute. Manny and Jan got to go to Atlantic City in a limo, which was pretty awesome. They got to have dinner in a "fancy" room, which they found to be fabulous, and it was basically the best thing ever. Seriously...adorable. Later, they are gifted a replica of their wedding album, which was damaged in the hurricane. It was super touching and I totally cried. Ugh...

But seriously ugh...when they get serenaded at a private concert by Hootie (?!?!?!?!). No. Just no.

Meanwhile, James and Des have a casual dinner at a bar in Seaside. James admits to cheating on his college girlfriend during freshman year of college. I mean, I applaud his honestly...but from his freshman year of college? Not necessarily relevant.

At the rose ceremony, Des and Chris discuss the "friend zone." Are they there? I hope not. At the very least, they kiss and it's cute. Bryden then takes Des aside to tell him about his doubts, etc. Des tells Bryden that she wants him there, and he seems reassured a bit.

Roses go to: