Move over Bromack, there's a new blond in town

Friends, lovers and fanatical fans,

If you haven't seen the cover of New York to Austin Monthly you're a little late to the party. Why? Because this Bachelor blogger is moving to Texas. (Cue jaw-dropping screams, coffee-spilling gesticulations, and guttural-sounding guffaws heard 'round the world.) So move over Brad Womack, because I'm about to live two streets away from you and your soon-to-be-failed relationship.

Be scared. Be very scared. Why? Because I'm famous.

While my sunny, Yankee disposition and cunning smile may fool you, I'm taking notes in the unlimited paper trail that is my head. I'll see you in your bars, on the street, on the running and trail and in the gym. So much as even try to kiss me another girl, and, well, let's just say this blog has more than 82 readers.

Looking forward to a boot-scootin' good time, Bromack :)

Until next season,

Mike

And the next Bachelorette is...

...Ashley H. It was revealed on Jimmy Kimmel last night. Surprise! Kidding. Obviously it would be her.

She graduates from U. Penn Dental School in May, and the show premieres May 23. While I'm confused about how one can simultaneously film and star in the Worst Show on Television and graduate with a 3.96 GPA from dental school, I've chosen not to worry about it.

Get ready for 12 episodes of tears. And I predict at least one practice dental exam date.

A Night of Foregone Conclusions

Ladies and Gent,

Before I tuned in, I made sure I had plenty to drink. I hope you did as well, because wasting two hours of my life waiting for the inevitable was stupid. But awesome, because this is the Best Show on Television (if "best" means "worst," of course).

The finale finds us in beautiful Cape Town, South Africa: land of beauty, of wine, of waves, of wind...and a lovely history of apartheid. Before we get to the final decision, Brad's family arrives: Mom, twin brother Chad and wife Dylan, and younger brother Wes and wife Prima (that's really her name, I swear). Wait, haven't we been here before? Didn't this family arrive to the final episode a few years back? Oh yeah, remember that time Bromack left both women empty handed? Awesome.

As his family arrives, Brad weeps amidst the straightest, back-slapping hugs I've ever witnessed on TV. Did you see those hugs between Brad and his brothers? Good lord, my back hurt just watching! Must be the Texas blood, right? Also, are we concerned that Brad's twin brother Chad (yes, seriously they're Brad and Chad) is cuter than him? Yes, because he is. And then there's the way-less-cute Wes, and things are thrown into perspective very quickly. Poor little brother.

The first chick the family meets is Chantal. They clearly love her: she's bubbly, fun, full of laughs, etc. It goes well. Unfortunately she's put on 15 pounds this season. Nothing like the Bachelor 15. It's like the Freshman 15, but on reality TV.

Next up is Emily. She's shy, demure, blond, and skinnier. Throw in the horrifyingly sad story of her dead husband, and the family clearly likes her more. It's slightly amazing because the family never gives it away this obviously. But this season they do because Brad is new, he's reformed, and he's totally full of original thoughts. Kidding about that last part. Why? Because Brad drops this bomb: "I am one happy dude." Wow. Totally profound.

Next is the last date portion of the evening. First up is Chantal. They swim with Great White Sharks, because that's normal. Chantal's cleavage is also in FULL EFFECT in her wetsuit, and it's insane. Later, Chantal gives Brad a special present and gives him a hand-written note saying "I choose you." Well...unfortunately the reformed Brad is an open book and we think otherwise. (Cue the nervous tick and head-scratching antics.)

Emily's last date is next. They take a helicopter to the windiest place on earth: The Cape of Good Hope. Emily has a bit of a flying skirt issue, and it's cute. She doesn't fully bear the beav, but it's close. They share some windy banter on the Cape, and head back for their final night. In Emily's room, Brad tells Emily that he's ready to be her everything, including Ricki's father. Emily responds saying, "It's not always fun," and she basically tells him that for the next hour. Um, this girl is tough. Brad, sweaty and defeated, heads home scared off and completely bummed. Is ABC throwing us a pump fake? Because I will cut someone.

Next Brad picks out a ring with Neil Lane, who clearly paid millions to have his rings and his brand name placed all over this trashy series. Who is this man?

After Brad picks out the bling, Chantal is the first to arrive to the winery...to be dumped. Thank GOD. I mean, I love me some Chantal. She's cute, she's fun, and her Mom is pure plastic. But Brad was not in love with her, and if ABC edited this mess and fooled us by this ending up with them engaged, I would have blogged the following: "Ladies and Gent, I am done." But luckily, I was forced to write this multi-paragraphed mess.

Emily arrives next, and gets the ring she hoped for. Without getting too into it, Brad's words for Emily were pretty damn amazing, despite the fact we know he couldn't come up with those original words on his own. In typical fashion, Emily lacked the requisite emotion that I would expect of a gorgeous couple getting engaged on a mountainside winery. But they end up engaged, and tonight's foregone conclusion is complete! Thank goodness!

So...82 weeks later, Season 82 is over. Brad 2.0 has a fiancee and we love her.

Best of luck to Brad and Emily. We know it won't work.

And as a reminder, we still hate this show.

Love,

Mike

P.S. Worst "After the Final Rose" ever! I mean, Emily's dye job is better than ever, but there are some issues between these two. OUCH. Um...two weeks until a break up?

The B*tches Tell All

Ladies and...ladies (let's be honest),

This is some important stuff. The episode of tears, of confession, of makeovers and of what could have been: it's The B*tches Tell All, and the ladies (and Brad) are back! It's also the episode I don't like to blog...but I'm here...watching...drinking...and trying to keep my comments to a minimum. But let me begin with this: I was in Austin, TX last week and I was within blocks of Brad for a hot two days. I think he loved it. What was less than awesome was sharing my thoughts on the show with super cool chick who then confessed she was friends with Brad. Awesome. Foot. Mouth. Delicious.

1) Chris Harrison's hair is spicy.

2) The Bachelor Pad 2 teaser is raunchy and amazing. Is it bad that I didn't recognize half of the people. Jillian's season? Oh wait...was she the Canadian one? No wonder I don't remember. Canada doesn't exist.

3) Raichel vs. Melissa. Again...who? And why does Raichel spell her name that way?

4) Michelle. Oh yes, this episode quickly turned into The Crucifixion of Michelle, and I loved it. Her fake tears were amazing...except they weren't even fake...they never even materialized. But Michelle is a gifted actress and good at simulating sobbing minus the tears. She is also gifted at using her poorly-named daughter as an excuse for everything. This poor child is going to grow up with some major issues. She'll also probably date a Mormon seeing as she lives in Salt Lake. Yikes...even more issues.

5) What is it with Jackie and Stacey being so vocal tonight? Like crazy-town status! These b*tches are really telling all.

6) Ashley H. Looking good as a natural brunette with bangs. She is also clearly in the dental industry as her teeth were luminescent.

7) Brad. Does anyone wonder who is responsible for Brad's stubble maintenance? It must be a full-time job. Should I apply?

8) The Idol Gives Back portion of helping the South African school was amazing...oh wait...this is The Bachelor...not Idol. And it also wasn't amazing.

9) In case you have forgotten that Brad is straight, he reminds us 82 times with multiple uses of "man," "bro," and "buddy." So, if you were wondering, bro, if Brad was, like, into girls man, he's like totally into them, buddy.

10) How much fun is it watching the three guys in the studio audience who are completely humiliated that they're there. Two were dragged by their wives, and the one gay was dragged by his girls. It's amazing.

11) Brad is totally in love with Emily, in case you were wondering. He told me last week in Austin.

Until next week's finale!

Mike

To Bone or Not To Bone

It's the night we've all been waiting for. Not only do we get to travel to South Africa, we get to see whether or not Brad and the three remaining ladies consummate their love. Welcome to "To Bone or Not To Bone," the once sordid (remember the Andrew Firestone days of heavy breathing and moans from behind closed doors? those were the days), now very tame episode in which the Bachelor gets a chance for some coveted alone (boning) time.

The first date is with Chantal, who is unfortunately looking a bit chunky in her jorts. The lovers go on a safari. Brad very eloquently describes a special moment near the beginning by saying, "I'm sitting here looking at the South African bush." Enough said. After their safari, they enjoy some bites and Chantal gets all selfless and says she wants to put Brad first in her life. Honey, just because your mom married a sugar daddy and doesn't retain her own personality (and spends her days and money on plastic surgery) doesn't mean you have to do the same. And I'm pretty sure Brad's not a sugar daddy, so your fate is sealed. Later, at dinner, Brad tells Chantal that he is the most comfortable around her compared to the other girls. Bold step. The Fantasy Date Card is well-received, just as I'm sure his manhood was well-received in the Fantasy Suite (in this case an outdoor treehouse). To Bone or Not To Bone? I vote Bone. Under the moonlight, no less!

Next is the only date Brad really cares about: Emily. She shows up looking hot in her white shorts and cowboy boots and they ride an elephant around the countryside. Yes, you read that correctly. Afterwards, they watch elephants romping and playing in the water and talk about Emily's five-year-old daughter, Ricky. Is Brad sure he's ready for a five-year-old? He thinks so. Then they make out to an overly-underscored montage of music, kissing and elephants. It was a bit too dramatic for me. Later, at dinner, Emily comes prepared to share her feelings. What I love most is how obviously enamored Brad is with her. He's so nervous, he can barely look her in the eyes! It's kind of cute, actually. When presented with the Fantasy Date Card, Emily pulls a pump fake: she plays the part of the concerned mother trying to set a good example for her daughter by saying just that. But she totally accepts the invite and they head to the Fantasy Suite for some alone time. There she confesses that she's falling in love with Brad, and in the surprise of the night, Brad fully tells her he's falling in love with her too. Wait, is Brad winning us over? I mean he's still a brainless buffoon unable to audibly form a profound thought, but is he capable of honesty and love? Which leaves us with this question: To Bone or Not To Bone? In this case, I vote Not To Bone. But there was definitely some under-the-shirt action once the cameras went to bed.

Lastly is the date with Ashley, who is wearing some very short jorts. She's also wearing an inability to express herself or to successfully answer Brad's questions about whether she has room in her life for him; but more on that in a minute. First off, after a minor freak out by Ashley, they fly via helicopter to "God's Window" (some canyon-like vista which is, yes, pretty). Brad, ripe with blue balls after last night's date, starts questioning Ashley's hopes for her future (where she wants to live, etc.). She successfully doesn't mention anything about Austin or Brad, which leads to some confusion on his part. They do have fun, but we quickly realize these kids cannot communicate. Later, at dinner, they jump right back in to deep conversation. (Brad is looking super cute in his plaid shirt, by the way.) Brad and Ashley, at once, possess the most rapport and ability to talk easily and naturally of all the couples. But we quickly realize the words that are so easily shared are also misconstrued. No point gets across and Brad and Ashley's moods quickly head south. Cue the Debbie Downer "wah wah." Later, at the Fantasy Suite, Ashley puts it perfectly: "We're off our game." No kidding. I actually felt bad for them here because you can tell that they both like each other, they want to progress together, but they simply can't get their points across. Brad needs to hear that she has room for him in her life; she wants to tell him just that. But it just didn't happen. As Ashely put it later, their words were "lost in translation." Spot on, sister. To Bone or Not To Bone? I vote a very emphatic Not To Bone. Then again, there could have been a Hate Bone.

So after the dryest To Bone or Not To Bone week in history, Brad is left utterly confused (and probably horny). And the shirtless scene confirmed that he's also left with less of a six-pack than he had at the beginning of the season. Boo. He should probably buy the workout DVD in which I starred. Just saying.

The ladies arrive to the rose ceremony only to have Brad ask to speak to Ashley privately. She knows what's coming, you can just tell. Brad puts it right out there: "I don't know if I fit into your life," to which Ashley doesn't have an answer. If I were her, this is where I would have told him that he does. But it's too late, and Brad says he has to tell her goodbye. In what is perhaps one of the most dignified exits ever, a broken-hearted Ashley says goodbye and drives off in the South African abyss. It's all about timing. Best of luck being a dentist. And sorry you didn't get accepted to medical school.

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad asks Chantal and Emily to accept his roses because love is a two-way street. They both accept.

So there you have it. Our final two are:

1) Chantal

2) Emily

This is Emily's proposal to lose; so we'll see in two weeks what happens!

Awards:

1) Frontrunner: Emily

2) Quote: "I'm sitting here looking at the...bush." -Brad

3) Biggest mistake: Chantal packing on the Bachelor 15 since the beginning of the season. This isn't a freshman dorm, honey. It's national TV.

Until next week (I usually don't blog the Bitches Tell All, but we'll see how much wine I have next week),

Mike

Hometown heroes

First off, how about the redesign of your favorite blog? In honor of Fashion Week, I gave The Bachelor Update a new look...a very on-trend 70s throwback vintage photo background with a clean white design. Good, no? As Heidi says, one week you are in, the next you are out. I have a feeling I'll be in, but let me know.

As your eyes ease into the new look, please allow your cold hearts to ease into four hometown dates--unfortunately possibly the most boring "Meet the Families" episode ever. Where were the gun-toting, threat-wielding dads? And the drunk, inappropriate moms? Sure, we had our share of taut-faced MILFs and families reeking of new money (Chantal's), but there was very little drama. I'll try to create some on my own.

We fly west first. In Seattle, we meet Chantal and her rich family. We quickly learn that Chantal lives four streets away from her family in a nice little house that was clearly financed by her parents because Chantal is an Executive Assistant. She also has two cats (barf) and a "dog" that weighs two pounds and wears a sweater. After hanging at Chantal's pad for a beer, Bromack and Chantal head to her parents' McMansion where we meet her personality-free father (who is wearing an awful purple shirt), and her mother who cannot emote due to too much plastic surgery. We also met her brother, but he didn't get a word on camera the whole date, so who cares. I was really hoping the mom would make a move on Brad, but no go. Was I the only one surprised to see a Texas-style bimbo MILF in Seattle? Are there women like that there? Is it okay to be skinnier than your daughter in the land of Birkenstocks? Overall, the date was a success and it ended with Chantal's dad offering up their blessing without Brad even asking. Hmm...I give this date a B. Good, but not great.

Next we travel WAY east to Madawaska, Maine. Yup, you're right in thinking that you've never heard of it. Apparently it's the Northeastern-most city in the 48 contiguous States. Fun fact! It's also essentially Canadian, so we all know how I feel about that: it's borderline (literally) nonexistent. But what the city lacks in, well, everything, it made up for in the best hometown date of the night. Ashley meets Brad first at the restaurant at which she was a waitress back in the day where they share a plate of poutine, which is a Canadian (what?!) delicacy of fries smothered in cheese and gravy. Awesome. Brad thanks the waitress by saying "si" instead of "oui," but we forgive him because he's stupid and he looks cute in his henley (present in three of four dates tonight). Nice job, stylists. At home, Ashley's family is overzealous but cute, and the date is a hit. Anyone notice the sister's tats? Way to represent, Madawaska! This date gets a solid A.

Next we head back west to Chico, California. Nothing says romance like a mausoleum and crematory, and that's where this date begins. Shawntel, a funeral director, shows Brad the ropes of death, and Brad is none-too-impressed. In fact, he's horrified and his face is a dead giveaway. My favorite part? Brad lying on the prep table where Shawntel would normally embalm the deceased after which Shawntel says about Brad: "If you can come in my funeral home and lay on a prep table...I've never had that before." Really? You mean it's not normal for your dates to accompany you to Death Central while you walk them through the ins and outs of replacing blood with chemicals? I did enjoy seeing the real life "Six Feet Under" though. It was like the show, only hotter and in a miniskirt! After Death 101, we had to Shawntel's house where we meet Mom, Dad, and her two sisters, Destiny and Vanessa. Yes, you read that correctly. The date was okay, but after a morning at the crematory followed by an afternoon during which Brad realized her dad was depending on her to take over the family business and NEVER leave Chico, this wasn't the best date. I'd rate it a C+/B-.

Lastly we head to Charlotte, North Cackalacky where we meet Emily and her daughter Ricky. Is it just me, or does everyone think of The Ballad of Ricky Bobby every time her name is mentioned? Awesome. As expected, Ricky is super shy and silent upon meeting Brad; but Emily has never seemed more comfortable. Brad gives Ricky a kite to warm her up, and eventually he gets the little nugget out of her shell. Later, they head to Emily's (very nice and totally Southern) red brick colonial with plantation shutters to have a simple dinner and a night in. Brad is 100% in love with Emily and he reverts to a 12-year-old by making it completely obvious. He is so hung up on respecting her daughter and the fact that Emily is a mom that he says he is not going to kiss her because Ricky is asleep upstairs. Emily, not one to ever say anything forward or express an opinion, essentially says, "Thanks, but kiss me anyway," and asks for some loving. Brad, the lovestruck goof, doesn't go for it and tries to see himself out. But before he can awkwardly exit, Emily kisses him on the doorstep and it's cute. Overall date: A-. Yes, he totally loves her. And kudos to Emily for taking some initiative.

So after four uneventful hometown dates, we head back to New York to drop one of these bimbos.

Roses go to:

1) Ashley

2) Emily

3) Chantal

Which means all the talk of burning bodies, embalming and consoling families through death didn't so much resonate with Brad. So we bid adieu to Shawntel and wish her the best. She was cute, actually. So best of luck to her. Just a piece of advice: don't put your next date on the prep table. I think people only need to be there once in life, and that's after death. Basically we don't ever need to be there alive. Thanks.

Awards:

1) Next Botox spokesperson: Chantal's mom

2) Best hometown date/family visit: Ashley

3) Frontrunner: Emily

Until next week,

Mike

Happy Valentine's Day, Crazy! And goodbye.

Lovers, friends, and fellow film stars,

Again, I apologize for the delay in posting this all-important review of the Best Show on Television. While you were snuggling with your lovebugs on the most romantic day of the year watching this historic moment in television history, I was flying back from a shoot in LA enjoying a dinner of pretzels and ginger ale while watching amazing movies like the blockbuster "Life As We Know It" starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel. What? You were in a film shoot, you ask? Why yes, I was. No big deal. I'm famous, remember?

Before I get to the recap, I want to let you know that I realized two things this episode: 1) I want to go to Anguilla; and 2) this show is dumb and I'm thinking my time was better spent on Delta Airlines pondering Josh Duhamel's hotness.

This episode, the six remaining ladies join Bromack on the lovely Caribbean island of Anguilla for three one-on-one dates and one group date (from hell). The one-on-one dates will not have roses, however.

The first date goes to the only girl he is truly falling for: Emily. The lovers take a helicopter (official helicopter count is now at 8, I believe) to a private island where Emily reinforces the fact that she is pretty and sweet and lovely, but I still question her ability to have original thoughts and/or opinions. A Southern princess, indeed! While Emily intimidates Brad with her eternal wisdom and deep thoughts, Brad becomes legitimately nervous around her as he confesses his feelings for her. This is the beginning of the "Breaking the Rules" theme of the evening. He then continues to break the rules at dinner where he assures Emily that, although he can't give her a rose on their date, he plans to give her a rose at the rose ceremony. Okay, Brad's therapy is paying off. He's actually honest with the girls this season! He also presses the issue with Emily's daughter saying he'd love to meet her: "It would be huge to me if you'd allow me." Wow, Brad. Beautifully said, as always. But I'll give Emily some credit here. She's no floozy like Michelle, whose daughter has probably met each and every gentleman caller Michelle has ever entertained. Emily is hesitant to introduce her daughter to men, and it's understandable. All in all, the date goes well and Emily is solidifying herself as a genuine contender for Brad's boring heart.

The next date goes to Shawntel N. They enjoy a day on the streets of Anguilla, taking in the sights and sounds of the market, a picnic with some goats (what?!?), and a lovely dinner on the water. Brad is admittedly looking for some clarity on this date to see if they've got a genuine connection. Shawntel comes out with the fact that she's falling in love with him, and things go well. The dinner ends with a concert by Bankie Banks, who Brad aptly describes as "possibly the most famous singer in Anguilla." I literally choked on my coffee at that little gem. As if there is a huge pool of famous singers in Anguilla with which Bankie is competing. Amazing. The date ends with a strip-down and a midnight swim in the ocean where we realize both Brad and Shawntel have gaudy tramp stamps on their backs. Aww, so sweet.

The final one-on-one date is the long-awaited date between Britt and Brad. Wait, who is Britt? Have we met her before? Poor thing. I didn't even know what she did for a living. Apparently she is a food writer...a food writer with a pretty hot bod, if I don't mind saying so myself. I'm convinced she doesn't ingest the food she critiques. She's a spitter, people. But back to the date. Britt and Brad have a lovely day on a yacht, classily named "El Jefe," which is "The Boss" to you gringos. After the lovers do some cliff jumping and swimming in the turquoise waters, they chat on the beach. Britt confesses that she is not good at showing affection, which is great for Brad to hear since he's now an expert at all things relationships. At that point, her fate is essentially sealed. They enjoy a nice dinner on the yacht deck filled with small talk, and Brad cuts right to the chase by breaking more rules: he says he doesn't have a romantic connection with her and doesn't see it going anywhere. Okay, fine. I see that they don't have the connection he's seeking. But Brad has also spent next to zero time with her and I think he's jumping the gun a bit. It's a bit too soon for me, but Brad lets her go and she speeds off in a zodiac, while Brad stays on El Jefe.

The group date begins at 2 a.m. (yes, you read that correctly) when Brad wakes up Ashley, Chantal and Michelle for their Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photo sunrise photo shoot, on newsstands today! How's that for a coincidence! As the photo shoot commences a few hours later, the editor calls out the quote of the episode: "How do you feel about taking your top off?" Um...best quote ever. Ashley and Chantal, the two I would have predicted to be the least apt to drop top dive right it. Ashley is cute and playful as she is photographed, and Chantal quickly transforms from self-conscious and body-hating to a sultry seductress as she makes mad passionate love to the sand. But while these girls got crazy with seashells and sand, Michelle chooses Brad as the object of her affection. In typical Crazypants fashion, Michelle gets overly aggressive and does the shoot while straddling Brad and making out with him. I won't humor Michelle with much, but she is simply gross. As are her vein-filled solid volleyball boobs. Is that what a Salt Lake City boob job looks like?

Needless to say, Michelle's seduction of Brad starts the "hell" portion of the date off with a (almost literal) bang. Ashley questions her connection with Brad, Chantal begins crying for five hours, and Brad accuses Michelle of being a "volatile woman." Um, you think? At the end of the date, Brad gives the rose to Ashley, at which point he is greeted with a death stare from Crazy and more tears from Chantal. Talk about awkward!

At the rose ceremony, Brad keeps breaking the rules. He tells Chris Harrison that he has no need for a cocktail party before he hands out the roses since his mind is made up. Could he finally be coming to his senses?? So, off to the rose ceremony we go.

Roses go to:

1) Ashley

2) Emily

3) Shawntel

4) Chantal

Which means we say goodbye to Britt and Michelle/Crazy! Brad has a brain after all! Michelle's dismissal is perhaps the most awkward yet. She doesn't say a word to Brad as he escorts her out, and she drives away in complete silence as she lays down on the back seat of the limo and ponders her life and its many mistakes (bad boob job and general craziness included).

Awards:

1) Best quote: "How do you feel about taking your top off?" - SI Editor

2) Fakest ta-tas: Michelle's

3) Frontrunner: Emily

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. Has anyone else noticed that Brad's six pack may be fading? I'm nervous he's gotten weighed down by Crazy. Luckily she's gone now, so go take a jog, Bromack. And do some upkeep on your core. No one likes you. They only like your rockin' bod.

P.P.S. If you know me, you know that I strongly believe Canada is a mythical place to the North that...well...doesn't exist and is simply too bizarre and cold to comprehend. As an anti-Canadian, I would be remiss not to mention perhaps the best anti-Canadian spoof in recent history (although it has nothing to do with The Bachelor). I would like to thank 30 Rock for furthering my beliefs that Canada equates to craziness. Here's a few snippets from this week's episode.

-"We can't go to the hospital, this is Canada. If she's born here...good God...she'll be Canadian!"

-"In your opinion, what is so bad about being Canadian?" To which Jack and wife respond, "Your milk comes in bags. BAGS! Your pavilion in Epcot doesn't even have a ride!"

-"How far is the border?" "I don't know. When I asked the lady at the desk, she told me in kilometers!"

-"Aren't you in Canada?" "Yes, my daughter is Canadian-American, but I'm going to treat her just like a human baby."

Thank you, 30 Rock, for validating the truth-slash-conspiracy that is Canada.

Costa Rican Craziness

This episode we fly from Sin City to Costa Rica, the idyllic Central American paradise of black sands and black souls (Michelle's) so we can use the backdrop of the jungle to fall more in love with Brad and his tufted blond cowlick. I would say this is also the episode in which we realize that Michelle is legitimately batsh*t Crazy, but that happens every episode and I'm beginning to think that each time she's on screen is another episode of Groundhog's Day. Before I get into the episode, though, does anyone else notice how there is all this footage of the girls driving through Costa Rica en route to the resort in some bus, but then they arrive in a silver Mercedes SUV? Hilarious. ABC, either rent the SUV or don't, but don't pretend like you're not saving money by piling these girls into a busted-ass bus and then switching out cars at the entrance to the resort.

As always, we have three dates: two one-on-one dates and one group date. The first one-on-one date goes to Chantal. Of course the date can't begin without a Michelle freak out during which she confesses that she hopes Chantal gets attacked by apes or monkeys. You know, because that's normal.

The date begins by Brad picking up Chantal in a--surprise!--helicopter. Real original, Brad. On this date, Brad hopes that he and Chantal can get back to their "old ways." Wait, what old ways? From the 20 minutes they've spent together this season so far? I'm confused. Anyways, they fly to the jungle and have a zip line adventure on the world's longest zip line. Not going to lie: I fully want to do this. Just not with a brainless loser like Brad. Afterwards the lovers share a romantic nighttime picnic by the river. Until the rain starts two minutes later and they relocate to Brad's hotel room. What? Is this a little soon? Is it also a little soon that Chantal changes out of her wet clothes and puts on Brad's white dress shirt? Maybe. But Brad loves it and he's totally turned on. Needless to say, they make out. Brad asks Chantal not to play games (after her emotions last episode) and they fall for each other. I actually think Brad likes her because he eventually says, "This could happen every night." I'm sure he's less focused on the kissing and more focused on the lead-up to the inevitable bone, but it's cute regardless. Chantal gets a rose.

The group date finds Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel and Britt rappelling down a waterfall. Of course, Michelle pitches a fit because she's pissed that Brad clearly isn't holding up his end of their "pact" not to rappel without each other again. Oh boo hoo, Michelle. Go take a Xanax and relax, you freak show. The girls rappel down one by one, leaving Michelle for last. Before they make the leap, Michelle takes the opportunity to hit Brad a few times and to make it very evident she's pissed. Brad, wasting no time, pretends like he saved Michelle for last so that he wouldn't reneg on their pact. Meanwhile, Michelle is "100% confident" she'll get the rose. Oh really, Mary?

Later that evening, the group date continues back at the resort in the hot springs hot tub. Surprise! (I hope everyone noticed that Part 2 of every date in this episode was back at the resort. Apparently the Costa Rican jungle doesn't have much to offer in terms of nighttime date venues.) Staying completely in character, Michelle classes it up by saying that "Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and *#%k him." Wow. Classy, Michelle. You are pure class. Emily then confides in Brad that she finds that liking him is scary and that she's worried she'll sabotage their developing love like she has in relationships past. Brad gets a little nervous about that. But then Michelle/Cray Cray arrives to tell Brad that she's pissed that Chantal got a rose on their date, to which Brad responds that she is pissed at him for "nothing." Um, yes, that is what Crazy people do. They cause needless drama simply for drama's sake. At the end of the date, Brad decides not to hand out a rose because he is not confident. Cue Michelle Freak Out Part 82.

The last date is the long-awaited one-on-one with Alli. The date, titled "Meet Me at the Altar," leaves us guessing as to what that implies. Brad arrives on horseback and Alli and Brad saunter off to a cave, through which they meander their way to the "altar" which is this naturally-formed stairway/waterfall thing. Alli had a couple freak outs because of her crippling fear of bugs (and bats), but Brad comforts her and they relax on the altar. Later that night (back at the resort, duh), they share an awkward small-talk-filled dinner on some sort of sinking island in the pool. Yeah, you read that correctly. I must admit, I had high hopes for Alli. She seems normal, cute, and fun; but her personality didn't shine through and they had zero chemistry beyond that of a friendship. So Brad ultimately decides not to give her a rose and she leaves in tears. Kudos to Brad for calling it like it is, though.

After the date, Brad heads home and admits he's is emotionally spent. He needs time to clear his head and relax. But wait! Crazy arrives to his hotel room shortly thereafter and accosts him about his decisions. Red flag (number 82) much? Michelle talks to Brad on his couch and essentially offers up her opinions on everything: Chantal is not for you; I am pissed at you; this is your decision, but here's my opinion; the girls will go home in the following order...and so on. I love how Michelle repeatedly says, "It's up to you," but then immediately launches into her diatribe on what should happen. "But yeah, Brad, it's totally up to you. This is what I think should happen and here's my opinion. But it's totally up to you. But I think you should do this. And everyone sucks but me. But it's your decision." Awesome Michelle. You're totally not Crazy, I promise. At the end of this attack, I actually think Brad is realizing that there is a hint of Crazy behind her (not so) pretty face. But I'm still concerned that he's under her spell in some way.

At the rose ceremony, Brad arrives looking emotionally exhausted. Nice girls like Emily open up more to Brad. Emily tells Brad she's feeling vulnerable, but apologizes for telling him of her knack of sabotaging relationships. Brad and Emily clearly have chemistry, and he's relieved to hear that she won't ruin what they have. Shawntel relaxes him by playing the silent game (what?) and ultimately making out with him. Chantal confesses that she's falling in love with him (again, WHAT?!?!). Isn't this a bit too soon, Chantal? After like one date? But Brad oddly loves it and it makes him feel better. I guess she has nothing to gain by her confession since she already has a rose, but still. And then, Cray Cray arrives. Brad comes out by saying that she is scaring him with her antics of causing drama and telling him what to do. Michelle, a skilled Crazy Person, quickly turns the tables and twists the truth by saying that Brad asked her for her opinions. Um, no, he didn't. And we all hate you.

Roses go to:

1) Chantal

2) Ashley

3) Emily

4) Britt (Surprise of the night! This girl has gotten NO face time yet.)

5) Shawntel

6) Michelle (Cue the collective barf in the toilet.)

Goodbye to: Alli and Jackie.

Tonight's awards:

1) Villain/Crazy/Liar/We Hate You: Michelle

2) Quote (tie): A) "I don't know if I'm crazy." - Michelle. Um, yes you do. B) "I obviously didn't grow up in a jungle." - Emily. North Carolina doesn't count?

3) Frontrunner: Chantal, with Emily trailing just behind. Or vice versa.

Until next week,

Mike

Cirque de So Gay

Lovers and friends,

Since I last posted, New York has seen a dreaded 18+ MORE inches of snow, and another solid week of boot-wearing. (My duck boots look fantastic, by the way.) While we brace for the next winter storm coming tonight through Wednesday (which NBC's Ann Curry histrionically dubbed perhaps "the biggest winter storm in history"), I took it upon myself to enjoy half-off bottles of wine prior to this evening's viewing in order to mute the impending drama of The Best Show on Television. Thank god for the sensory-deprivation brought on by alcohol.

So we're done with the luxury of LA and we're flying east to the sin of Vegas as tonight's episode marks the end of the glamorous life in the hills of Hollywood and we slowly but surely move to the sin of the desert and beyond. While I will never understand the lure to and love of Vegas, we find ourselves here once again, for the 82nd season in a row. Why these trannies freak out about this plastic manufactured non-city is beyond me, but they do. Maybe it has something to do with Brad's plastic and manufactured non-personality. Or the fact that they're all strippers in the making, but I digress...

The 11 remaining ladies arrive to the Aria Las Vegas to begin a week of a one-on-one date, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one date in which one is guaranteed a flight home. The lovers are greeted by Brad and escorted to their lovely corner suite overlooking the desert and urban sprawl that is America's Worst City, and they greet it with expected gasps and glee. I barf, take another sip of wine, and brace myself for the night ahead.

The one-on-one date goes to Shawntel, the resident Funeral Director, because every group of women needs to have one funeral director, right? The date begins with every woman's dream: an all expenses-paid shopping spree in one of the country's biggest malls. Granted, I would die of horror because I hate malls, but Shawntel and Brad eat it up and spend ABC's hard-earned money at Prada, Fendi, Bally, et cetera. [Sidenote: has anyone else noticed Brad's un-tame-able cowlick? It's hilarious. He's like Dennis the Menace with biceps and nothing of worth to say.] Needless to say, Shawntel ends her afternoon with a hell of a lot more loot than she started with, and it's on to the evening portion of the date (after pissing all the girls off by bragging about her newfound fashion, of course). Part two takes place on a rooftop overlooking Vegas where Shawntel tells Bromack all about her "passion" that is funeral directing and embalming cadavers. You know, normal first date talk. Even through the ins and outs of the "vein drain" and other morbid stats, Shawntel walks away with a rose. Do they have a connection, or is Brad just scared she'll embalm him? Not sure.

Date two is the group date, which takes place at the racetrack. Great. Good thinking, Brad. Make sure the only date that has to do with NASCAR is the date on which you bring the chick (Emily) whose dead husband is a former NASCAR racer who died en route to a race. Awesome. Oh...what's that? You didn't think about that before you planned the date? Well, we're not surprised, since you don't actually have a brain. But if you did (you know, for the next time, after you fail to propose AGAIN), try not to make the same mistake twice. So Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt and Michelle join Brad for some race-car-driving action. Brad quickly notices that Emily is uncomfortable, at which point Emily tells Brad about her dead husband's NASCAR past. Ooops. Awkward. Let's be honest: Brad's reaction to this is classic and awesome. By that I mean that he is totally weird and unemotional. Super.

Later, we end the group date in bathing suits (because all group dates need to end near some sort of pool), or as this portion of the date should be titled: The Brad Gun Show. Holy sh*t, did everyone notice the gratuitous shots in each and every scene of Brad's humongo arms? Crazy. Anyways, Alli freaks out because Emily has had too much one-on-one time and she's pissed that she lacks a sob story and a dead husband. Chantal cries to Brad too. Michelle whisks Brad away in her usual slut-meets-freakshow manner, and they make out in a poolside cabana. But at the end of the night, Emily gets the rose because her story is the saddest. So there.

The last date is the two-on-one between Ashley S. and Ashley H. Oh, the drama. Two best friends forced to compete head-to-head over Bromack. They quickly go backstage to one of Vegas's "biggest shows," Cirque de Soleil, Elvis style! They jump right in to rehearsals, during which Ashley H. is the clear performer. We soon learn that Brad and only one of the two Ashleys will be performing in the actual show, suspended in the air to Elvis's "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" (why yes, why do you ask?). The awkward crotch-hugging situation with Brad's harness was awesome, by the way. Who will he choose to perform with?

We quickly cut to dinner where Brad makes his choice. Ashley you're great. And you, Ashley? You're great too. But, I choose you: Ashley H. In his words, "Ashley S., I think you will make an extraordinary wife. I don't think you'll make an extraordinary wife for me." Way harsh, Ty. And the rose goes to Ashley H. I would have preferred way more drama here, but whatever. Couldn't they have fought over Brad a little more and dismantled a friendship by doing so? Ugh...and then we had to see Ashley S's fake tears as she cried her way off the show. Couldn't they have at least given her fake tears so we believed she was sad? And then Brad goes back to Ashley H. to kiss her. And horribly perform in Cirque de Soleil. Did everyone see Brad's eye makeup? I literally died. He was like one mascara stroke away from a gay glowstick-wielding club kid (especially with those Army fatigues!). We're talking Cirque de So Gay. And kudos to the directors for scoring Brad and Ashley H's performance to "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" to Ashley S's car ride home. AWESOME!

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad has his weekly consult with his therapist. Is this going to be a new segment in every season, or is this just because Brad has a bad track record and lacks a thought process? Brad soon arrives to the lady-suite, where Chantal is the first to accost him. Brad said, "You have to stop giving me so much crap." It was awesome. Then Brad made Alli "feel special" by serving her champagne and dessert. It was actually sweet, although he did that because she called him out on it on the group date. So...eh...not sure.

Then Cray-Cray Michelle takes him to the bedroom (in her zebra-print mini-dress and far too much makeup) and tells him not to speak, while she tells him how she's "different" from all the other girls, and it's "time to send some girls home." Yup, she's completely crazy. And Brad is scared.

And the roses go to:

1) Shawntel

2) Emily

3) Ashley H.

4) Michelle

5) Alli

6) Britt

7) Jackie

8) Chantal

Byeee: Ashley S., Marissa, Lisa (excuse me, who are you?)

Awards:

1) W.T.: Michelle

2) Frontrunner: Emily

3) Best harness moment: Brad's business in his suspension harness at Cirque.

Until next week,

Mike

From Sundance to Slumdance

Having landed just hours ago from Sundance, I was very excited to transition from the nation's hottest film festival, ripe with rising stars and stunning cinema, to the nation's most horrible show, ripe with blank stares and stunning idiocy. Yes, just as the flight was a bit turbulent, the transition from film to failure has been a bit bumpy. Oh, Bromack, thanks for reminding me that you are NOT an actor and I am back in reality. Just yesterday I was rubbing elbows and sipping wine with Patrick Wilson and Adrien Grenier...today I guzzle wine sans celebs and jet-laggedly fast-forward through painful TV. While being famous is...well...famous, coming back to reality is sobering indeed. Even when you're drunk on wine. Talk about going from Sundance to Slumdance. Here goes...

Tonight, we join Brainless Bromack on three dates. But first, Michelle wakes up with an inexplicable black eye. Has her ego clocked her across the face? Did the girls gang up on her in her sleep and beat her into a pulp? Who cares. All I know is I am loving the fact that she's got a shiner. What's better? She says, "I am gonna have Brad kiss my eye." Yup, she's crazy.

The first date is a one-on-one with Chantal O. The lovebirds are whisked away via helicopter to a cloudy Catalina Island. Chantal freaks about getting in the water, but she takes the plunge (literally) for Brad. They look like aliens in their sea-bed-walking gear, but they hang out underwater and even butt their heads to fake kiss. Horrible. They finish up with drinks, dinner and kissing on the beach. Brad is falling for her and he feels like he can be himself with Chantal. Awww...now Chantal and every other girl has heard the same thing. So sweet.

Meanwhile, back at the manse: Michelle has her hourly freak out and cry session. We don't care.

Back to Bromack and Chantal. They kiss more...it seems fine...whatever. She gets a rose. Is this season boring as hell?

The second date is the group clustermess. Nine girls and Brad go to the radio taping of "Loveline" with Mike and Dr. Drew (who is Mike?!?). It gets super deep when they all open up and share themselves with the American listening public. By "super deep," I mean surface-level and cliched. Who else noticed Dr. Drew's face the whole time? He's totally humiliated that he's on this trainwreck of a show. I mean, he's also on MTV's "16 and Pregnant," so I guess he didn't stoop too low for Bromack. But still. At least those knocked up hussies actually need therapy. Brad just needs a personality.

Next the girls and Brad head to--you guessed it!--a hot tub after party. The girls take Dr. Drew's advice by showing initiative. Maybe a little too much, as, one by one, they basically elbow their way in front of Brad for some private time. People are cut off, interrupted, and cried to. Messy. The only well-spent time was with Britt, who I think is super cute. Ashley H. freaks out and is stupid. And at the end, Britt gets the rose.

Next up is the long-time-coming and equally dreaded one-on-one with Shiner McGee/Crazy/Michelle. Of course, the lead-up to the date is a classic study in selfish and annoying behavior. Michelle is upset that her date card says something like "Let's hang out," and doesn't include the word "love." Okay over-thinker, step away from the ledge. Even better, Brad arrives to pick Michelle up, but first (thank god!), he asks to see Ashley H. so he can talk her off her own little ledge. Fine. What's better? Michelle, being the selfish brat she is, freaks out and bitches to the girls by saying that Ashley is "stealing" her time with Brad. Chantal puts her in her place by saying she did the same thing on the first group date when she was a baby and didn't film her scene because she was jealous of all the other girls kissing Brad. At this point, I don't just think she's annoying; I genuinely and actively dislike her. I also LOVE Chantal for putting this choo-choo in her place. But before the date begins, let me call out the massive amount of coverup that must have been applied to her messy eye to cover up what we all know is there.

Next, Selfish Shiner yanks Brad away and they drive to Brad's house for their date. A helicopter shows up and takes them to the top of a building so they can rappel off the side. But of course Michelle is afraid of heights and freaks out and cries like a baby. But Brad, with his winning personality and endless support (good god, I hope you sense sarcasm), helps her over the ledge, at which point she starts referring to Brad as "babe." Um, do you even know him? Slow down, Crazy. You've got a whole building to rappel down...and then probably five more hours with which you can further ruin the date. Don't "babe" him this early. But of course they kiss as they descend because why not? Who else thinks she's not even afraid of heights? She's just horrible, not height-afraid.

After the descent, they jump into the pool with their clothes on and make out. Bromack's tat makes another cameo and we remember his trashy roots...in case we had actually forgotten them. What we didn't forget is that Brad has no brain and no original thoughts. He reminds us of that every five minutes. Later, Crazy shares dinner with Brad. They talk about her daughter and Brad wants to meet her. I think it's weird because they've hung out for an hour. But that's just me being a good future dad. (Sidenote: the daughter's name is Brielle? Really, Michelle? Why not just Brie? That's a gorgeous name, and I happen to know and adore a pretty kick-a$$ baby Brie. The "elle" just announces a questionable past and an inability to make good decisions.) Then Michelle tells Brad that she doesn't see him with any of the other girls. Okay, I officially detest her. Can't she at least pretend she's nice? Nope...because she throws herself back on him in the hot tub. She gets a rose because Bromack knows she's a guarantee in the sack. America lets out a collective sigh.

At the rose ceremony, everyone is on edge. Who will be let free to be able to find a husband actually worth having? Not sure. First, we have some drama to get through. The therapist shows up first so Brad can hear things like this: "So you're more present...the good news is you know how to be aware of you." Like, aware of nothing? Is that the awareness he's referring to? Moving on...

Some chicks spend some time with Brad before the ceremony, but Brad makes significant efforts to have a little private picnic with Emily. So yeah, he likes her. And yeah, everyone freaks out. So outside Brad and Emily reestablish their connection and recreate their vineyard date (minus the fear-inducing plane ride that brings up memories of dead husbands, because that would just be mean).

Later, Chantal interrupts Brad after a minor teary freak-out. Brad reassures her and tells her that "she is everything that (he) (has) not been with in the past." Um...wait...did Brad just say something smart? Or did he just use syntax to fool us into believing he just made a point. I think the latter.

So the roses go to:

1) Chantal

2) Britt

3) Michelle

4) Ashley S.

5) Alli

6) Emily

7) Shawntel

8) Lisa

9) Jackie

10) Marissa

11) Ashley H.

Byeee to: Meghan, Lindsay, Stacey. Graceful exits, too.

Tonight's awards...

1) Quote: "I am gonna have Brad kiss my eye." -Michelle.

2) Fugliest: all the girls in the morning. Sweeties, you're on national TV. Powder your face and take off the glasses. You have a boring husband (and me) to impress!

3) Crazy: Michelle

4) Frontrunner: Emily. Kinda nervous their life together would be filled with awkward silence, though.

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. If you all don't start commenting soon, I don't know if I can go on. People, I don't do this for myself. Speak up!

P.P.S. Next week looks ridiculous.

Daddy Issues

So a bottle of wine down (and five days away from my first Sundance appearance), I turn on the Best Program in Television. There are three dates tonight and only so much dignity I have left after watching this mess for 82 seasons...so...yeah...let's get started.

The first date is a one-on-one with Ashley S. (Ms. First Impression Rose), the 24 year-old NYC nanny. She and Bromack head to Capitol Records in Hollywood to sing perhaps the worst rendition of Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" ever heard by our collective ears. What we don't know before our ears burn off in misery is that this is Ashley's song with her dad (her dead dad). Daddy issues, people. Clearly I mute the television in horror as they murder their way through the song. I also mute it as Bromack tells Ashley that "she makes (him) feel relaxed that (he) can be (him)self with her." Yup, you said the same thing to three girls last week. Then...surprise!...Seal makes a cameo to show them how you actually sing the song "Kiss From a Rose." Why is his face so messed up, you ask? Heidi Klum's beauty melted it off. Clearly. Then Bromack tells Ashley again that, "This is the first date I can truly be myself," because he's never said that before...except for 20 minutes ago. Clearly he kisses Ashley and gives her a rose. Especially after she talks about her dead dad.

The next date is a busy mess of filming action movies with far too many neon-clad activewear-donning bimbos. Michelle and all her crazy is sure to attend this date, as is Shawntel and her acting and kissing prowess. Brad sets up the date by stating this gem: "I love to get dirty, and I want a wife that does the same thing." Don't we all? I mean, in my case I don't like being dirty and I don't want a wife, but you get the idea, no? After they film their action flick, the crew heads to a--wait for it--rooftop pool party. Dead Dad Story #2 soon comes out as Chantal shares her sob story with Brad. Is he putting it together than everyone has lost someone, or is he too busy thinking of the next bland thing to say? Methinks the latter. I also think that Brad's boobs are bigger than most of the girls' boobs this season. Is this an issue? Well, we don't have time to think about it, because Michelle and her crazy show up to the party and she interrupts his one-on-one time with Alli (whose boobs may actually outsize Brad's). In addition, I would like to point out Brad's classy cross tattoo. Real religious, that one. Shawntel gets the rose.

The last date is the much anticipated one-on-one with Emily, a.k.a. the "Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Teresa." The date is all about breaking down Emily's walls. She gets her big chance to tell Bromack about her dead husband and (alive) daughter. But first they have to take a dreaded flight to wine country. For the first half of the date, Brad pushes Emily to open up and she doesn't take the bait. Then, magically, the sun sets and she comes clean at dinner. Bromack has not only broken down her walls, he's broken down his own. Is he actually falling for her? Are his own messy walls crumbling? He gives Emily a rose.

Before the rose ceremony, Brad meets with his therapist (what?!?!) while wearing his 82nd henley of the night. Kudos to the styling team for staying on trend and ensuring we can see Brad's guns in all his slutty tops. The therapist tells Brad that he's allowing women in. Yay for Brad. Unfortunately he has yet to let a personality in and he's a net zero. Baby steps...

At the rose ceremony, Michelle stays in character and is mad that he talks to anyone but her. Um, you're on the Best Program on Television, The Bachelor. The Bachelor is going to talk to all the women because it's a trashy dating show and he needs to make "informed" decisions about who he's not going to propose to. So stop being Crazy. Playing her role, though, she interrupts another conversation of Brad's to instigate their first "fight." Underscored by crazy carnival music, Michelle asks him to explain himself for kissing other girls. Oddly, he stills likes her and seems utterly fooled by her antics, while the rest of America is dying. Luckily we can chalk this up to Brad's idiocy. So we're good.

Madison, the fang-wearing actress, quickly sheds her fangs while talking to Brad and says she's thinking of leaving. We also get to see her side-boob in this conversation, which is going to do her no favors in her acting/modeling career. Next on the threatening-to-leave team is Ashley H. But Bromack tries to reassure her...by giving her a sloppy kiss.

And the winners are:

1) Ashley S.

2) Shawntel

3) Emily

4) Michelle

5) Chantal

6) Goes to...um...wait...Madison then excuses herself in a moment of drama saying she would rather go home than take a rose from someone more deserving. Awesome. As an actress, we hope she gets the attention she's after and lands some other reality show contract to further her D-level career. Best of luck.

6) Lisa. Who are you, again?

7) Jackie

8) Ashley H.

9) Marissa

10) Britt

11) Alli

12) Lindsey

13) Meghan. Who?

14) Stacey

Byeeeeeeee: Madison, Kimberly, Sarah.

Awards:

1) Quote. "I want to be in Tahiti practicing making babies with Brad" (or something similar). Michelle.

2) Worst costume: Madison's fangs.

3) Crazy: Michelle.

4) Frontrunner: Emily.

5) Best mascara tears yet: Sarah's!!! YES!

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. I hope to land from Sundance in time for a very timely blog, but it depends on who discovers me. Or if I'm on a date with Jake Gyllenhaal.

P.P.S. In honor of MLK Day, I would like to point out (with the help of others) that there are no black contestants. Um...do I need to say I have a dream?

And the drama begins

Pour the wine. Dim the lights. Pop a sedative. And dig in. The worst show on TV is back, and the worst bachelor ever has returned. We're all choosing this mess over the BCS National Championship game (Go Ducks!), and we're torn. It's going to be all about self-medication this season, people, and I really don't know how we'll survive. But I'm hopeful that we'll come out of this alive, and better than ever. Okay, that was a lie. I really just hope we come out of this alive and only slightly hungover. We're looking at roughly 20 to 30 hours of wasted time here. To me, that's 20 to 30 bottles of wine. But I'm committed. In the weakest sense of the word, yes, but committed all the same.

So let's get to it. The first date with Bromack goes to Ashley H., the dentist. She wears a dress that makes her look like a cake topper, but we'll forgive her for a minute. Brad picks Ashley up in a hot convertible that he could never afford and whisks her away to...wait for it...a dark dirt road. Totally romantic, right? Especially when their navigating the dark dirt road in formal wear and heels (on her, not Brad). But then they flip a light switch, and on turns the carnival. They ride rides, take photo booth shots, share a rather intense first kiss, and then share an even more intense first convo. Turns out they both have distant dads (hers is homeless, his is just gone--she wins) and his walls come crashing down. Granted, the torn down walls reveal a guy just as boring as before, but at least he was honest. He's falling for her. He even says he can "just be me." Forget about the fact that "me" is boring and weird, but at least he's himself? Needless to say, Ashley gets a rose.

Date number two is a clusterf@*$. I mean 15 girls on one date? Really? First, the 15 ladies "give back" by filming Red Cross awareness commercials with Brad. Give blood, people. The commercials and acting are horrible, and as expected, the fangs come out (literally at one point). Melissa interrupts a scene she's not in by entering the set and kissing Brad, Michelle storms off the set because it's her birthday and she's not getting what she wants, and Britt takes her kissing scene to the next level. Is anyone else actually believing that she's 30? As a wise 31-year-old myself, I ain't falling for this mess. Girlfriend looks a good 38. Just sayin'. After the filming, the small army heads to an after party on a rooftop where Melissa gets her much-wanted one-on-one time after which she is confronted for being crazy by Rachel. Melissa is quickly shaping up to be this season's crazy, or Cray Cray for short. Michelle the bitchy birthday girl gets the rose because Brad feels bad, and that is that.

Date three is a one-on-one with Jackie. Combined, neither seem to have much to offer, let's be honest. It's like the couple you invite to all your parties because they're pretty and it's good to have pretty friends, but they add nothing to the situation and you always seat them at one end of the table so they don't drag everyone down. Right? Glad we're on the same page. (Sidenote: all my friends are hot, obvi, but I'm just trying to make a point.) Back to the date. It's romantic, they get pampered, she gets dresses and jewelry, and even gets her name on the Hollywood Bowl sign. Famous (like me). At the Bowl, they share a romantic dinner on stage. Are they clicking? Is this fun? We're not sure. And then Brad is completely dumbfounded by the fact that she's barely dated. He's like uber-concerned about the fact that this may be too much of a risk for him and he's inventing problems for himself. Um, projecting much? Remember three years ago when you left two idiots at the alter? But he gives her a rose anyway because he wants to give this a "shot." It's like he's just prolonging the break up. But whatever. Then Train shows up and plays their overplayed song. They dance. They kiss (to the song "Marry Me" no less!!!! Premature, no?). And it's over.

Back at the rose ceremony, Bromack arrives and is immediately assaulted (or taken away, depending on the eyes of the viewer) by Michelle. Her first question for him? "Do you prefer Starbucks or the Coffee Bean?" Important stuff, people. Groundbreaking, in fact. Is Michelle Cray Cray, or is Melissa? Well...it might still be Melissa. Because she confronts Rachel again. Pretty sure about nothing and I can't really figure out what Melissa's motives are. Regardless, Rachel gets bent out of shape, Melissa spins it that Rachel's actually crazy, and we have confirmation. Melissa is Cray Cray #1. The b*tches both go to Ashley S. to vent, to which Ashley responds (smartly), "Worry about yourself." Thank you. Could not have said it better myself.

Don't worry Bachelorites, the drama continues. Melissa then sits down with a wide-eyed Bromack to win him over to her side. He responds with "Oh my god, you're crying." What he really means is, "OMG you're Cray Cray and it's been two days." Melissa continues with the fact she feels targeted by Rachel. And next she says she's had four slices of pizza with onions. Because that's important. Like really important, and totally pertinent to the situation she's created in her crazy mind. Just as important as the bottle of wine I just HOUSED because this show is so horrible. But it gets better because Rachel cries to Brad next. Oh poor brainless Brad.

Luckily Chris interrupts the situation with a feisty little twist. Who is here for the right reasons? Ali and Roberto show up to help us out with this, with what I'm sure is their last public appearance before their break-up that has already happened. They grill each of the girls one by one. The looks on their faces are priceless. Like, was this really in our contract? We don't even love each other and now we have to listen to Melissa cry one minute after meeting us? They don't even know who Rachel is, and yet they have to listen to this mess? Poor kids. A couple comments: 1) Roberto wasn't sweating; and 2) Ali looks older. Right? Roberto has relaxed and Ali has aged. Typical.

After Ali and Roberto's chats and their download to Bromack, he gives a rose to Emily.

Roses go to

1) Ashley H.

2) Michelle

3) Jackie

4) Emily

5) Chantal O.

6) Sara

7) Alli

8) Kimberly

9) Shawntel N.

10) Stacey

11) Ashley S.

12) Madison

13) Lisa

14) Marissa

15) Meghan

16) Lindsey

17) Britt

So both Melissa and Rachel go home...a first-ever surprise dismissal of the crazy one!

Tonight's awards...

1) Frontrunner: Ashley H.

2) Villain: Michelle

3) Crazy (Cray Cray): Melissa. Good riddance.

4) Least attractive crop of girls in this show's history: Bingo...this season's.

5) Worst dressed: The Oregon football team. Who are they kidding with neon green/yellow socks and shoelaces and wing decals on their jerseys?

Until next week,

Mike

Return of the (Bro)Mack

I know, I said I was on vacation (and I am), but I caught the last 45 minutes of this certifiable trainwreck last night, after a bottle of wine and a delicious dinner on the beach. First off , ABC has officially lost its collective marbles in re-casting Brad Womack—hereafter known as Bromack—after two of its most successful iterations of the show in recent history (Jake and Ali). I mean, does this guy even have a job? Let alone a personality?!? Besides standing up two women on national television during his first stint as the Bachelor, Bromack is the quintessential spineless Yes Man. He has no personality, is entirely disingenuous, and adds nothing to any situation besides some nicely coiffed stubble. I mean, talking to Bromack is like talking to a brick wall with a beard. Sure the guy is good looking, but aren’t we all?

I won’t get in to the run-down of each and every of the 30 (30?!?) hoes desperately vying for a chance at spending their lives with a personality-free brick wall, but I will share some highlights I saw.

What’s with the girl who repeatedly got interrupted during her time with Brad? The blonde one from Illinois wearing The. Most. Heinous. dress in recent memory? Um…yeah, that’s why you got screwed, woman. Seriously. Royal blue floor-length satin with a faux-diamond-encrusted choker neck? Who are we kidding with that? This isn't prom circa 1994.

Madison has legitimate fangs? I just can’t. Is she serious with that mess? Sure, Bromack has abs, but this isn’t Twilight, and he isn’t Taylor Lautner. (Doesn't Twilight have something to do with vampires? Clearly I haven't seen it.)

Jackie is an embarrassment to us all when she sings to Bromack an improvised song with her horrible voice.

Ashley S. is cute, and thus wins the First Impression Rose. But as devil’s advocate, did anyone else think everything she said was rehearsed and entirely gaming him? I mean, who really just wants to be his friend and confidant throughout all this. Not me. (I also secretly love that she’s this down-home Southern chick who is a nanny in the City. Those poor city kids are going to grown up with a twang and they’ll never be accepted in East Hampton.)

So with that, Bromack chooses his 20 lady friends to whom he will offer no substance this season.

1) Ashley S.

2) Michelle the mom and “woman”

3) Kimberly

4) Madison the fang-wielding monster

5) Emily

6) Rachel

7) Kelty (sp?)

8) Ashley H.

9) Megan

10) Lisa M.

11) Lindsey

12) Allie

13) Sarah P.

14) Marissa

15) Brit

16) Stacy

17) Shauntelle M.

18) Jackie

19) Melissa

20) Shauntelle O. Because why wouldn’t there be two Shauntelles?

Awards:

1) Worst dress: The heinous blue number with the diamond neckline. Yowza. She got a bargain at Filene’s on that one.

2) Personality-free: Bromack

3) This season’s Villain: Michelle

One last note: looks like the travel budget is back up, people. Goodbye recession, hello Anguilla, Costa Rica, and South Africa! At least they’re spending money on something, ‘cause good lord we know Bromack came cheap!

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. Follow me on Twitter @mhondorp

Beach > Bachelor

Lovers and friends,

I'm ringing in the new year with a tan. What does that mean? It means I'm not holed up watching what's his name re-disaster-ify our lives by not choosing a wife. Rather, I'm enjoying a glass of wine (or 12) in Florida on the beach. Brad Womack (and his b*tches) can wait a week for me to rip him a new one. How old is he, anyway?

So here's to a great new year, a nice tan, and being famous.

Love you all.

Until next week,

Mike

The Finale

To wed, or not to wed? That is the question.

Tonight is the night; it's down to the final two. Will it be Roberto or Chris? Roberto is the first to meet Ali's family in the hut on the ocean in Bora Bora. Predictably sweaty, Roberto charms the fam with his Latino ways and his dimples for days. There is nothing too special about the date. Her family likes him, his dad blesses their potential marriage and they salsa dance as a family. Because that's what you do what a Latino is potentially joining the family. No need for generalizations or anything. The only unfortunate moment of the evening is when her mother says, "Yo creo que tu corazon es puro." I think your heart is pure. Ewww...awkward.

Next up is Massachusetts native Chris. Clearly the family loves him and his Mass accent and all the crazy similarities like Canadian dads, moms who were nurses and teacher pasts. I'm a little worried that he's more in to her than she is in to him, but Dad blesses their potential marriage regardless. And then they all swim together...Dad's hairy back and all. It's clear that Chris is more genuine and we all love him.

For the last-ditch date, Roberto and Ali do it up. Sea Doos, stingrays and make outs in the rain--the date was perfect. Later at night, Ali arrives at Roberto's hut. Roberto, looking particularly stunning in his Bonobos khakis (that I sent to the producer in March, thankyouverymuch), greets Ali with kisses hugs and inevitable romance. He also gives her a cute picture frame with some romantic Spanglish on the back. She loves him, but oddly doesn't say it. He does, though.

The next day is Chris's last chance. I'm not going to lie, I'm secretly gunning for Chris. He's just perfect and so cute and in love with her. Unfortunately, Ali arrives looking and feeling out of sorts. Ever the open book, she doesn't even kiss him upon entering his hut, and she starts chatting with him and confessing her confusion and feelings like he's some random girlfriend. Cutting right to the chase (which makes me respect her, even though she's breaking my heart), Ali tells Chris that she's fallen in love with Roberto and doesn't want to put him through another date and the stress of a rose ceremony when she's not going to pick him. Sad...but so upstanding of Ali. Chris is crushed, but stays strong and sweet, and only sheds a tear after she leaves. To make emotions worse, a full rainbow appears on the horizon as he contemplates his loss...and he says it's a sign from his mom that everything is alright. I totally cried. Luckily I know where he lives on the Cape and I'll bring him a growler of Cape Cod beer and a hot chick to help him get over it. Any takers?

So...on the day of the rose ceremony, Roberto picks out a ring. He also says he'll only propose if it's right for him. Last minute cold feet? Is his perfection wearing off?

As Roberto approaches via boat, Ali stands atop a mountain in her expected shade of dress awaiting her prince. He heads up and arrives, messed up collar and all. The lovers embrace, and he's a nervous mess. Roberto launches into a full on speech...avoiding eye contact...and she tells him he's the only one there that day. A sweaty, sweaty Roberto then gets on one knee and proposes.

It's just not very romantic. But we wish them the best of luck. God knows they'll need it.

And then...as if this show couldn't get cheesier, the play-out music is from the effing Lion King. I mean...

Please, Baby Jesus, don't let him turn crazy like Jake.

Until never,

Mike