Happy Valentine's Day, Crazy! And goodbye.

Lovers, friends, and fellow film stars,

Again, I apologize for the delay in posting this all-important review of the Best Show on Television. While you were snuggling with your lovebugs on the most romantic day of the year watching this historic moment in television history, I was flying back from a shoot in LA enjoying a dinner of pretzels and ginger ale while watching amazing movies like the blockbuster "Life As We Know It" starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel. What? You were in a film shoot, you ask? Why yes, I was. No big deal. I'm famous, remember?

Before I get to the recap, I want to let you know that I realized two things this episode: 1) I want to go to Anguilla; and 2) this show is dumb and I'm thinking my time was better spent on Delta Airlines pondering Josh Duhamel's hotness.

This episode, the six remaining ladies join Bromack on the lovely Caribbean island of Anguilla for three one-on-one dates and one group date (from hell). The one-on-one dates will not have roses, however.

The first date goes to the only girl he is truly falling for: Emily. The lovers take a helicopter (official helicopter count is now at 8, I believe) to a private island where Emily reinforces the fact that she is pretty and sweet and lovely, but I still question her ability to have original thoughts and/or opinions. A Southern princess, indeed! While Emily intimidates Brad with her eternal wisdom and deep thoughts, Brad becomes legitimately nervous around her as he confesses his feelings for her. This is the beginning of the "Breaking the Rules" theme of the evening. He then continues to break the rules at dinner where he assures Emily that, although he can't give her a rose on their date, he plans to give her a rose at the rose ceremony. Okay, Brad's therapy is paying off. He's actually honest with the girls this season! He also presses the issue with Emily's daughter saying he'd love to meet her: "It would be huge to me if you'd allow me." Wow, Brad. Beautifully said, as always. But I'll give Emily some credit here. She's no floozy like Michelle, whose daughter has probably met each and every gentleman caller Michelle has ever entertained. Emily is hesitant to introduce her daughter to men, and it's understandable. All in all, the date goes well and Emily is solidifying herself as a genuine contender for Brad's boring heart.

The next date goes to Shawntel N. They enjoy a day on the streets of Anguilla, taking in the sights and sounds of the market, a picnic with some goats (what?!?), and a lovely dinner on the water. Brad is admittedly looking for some clarity on this date to see if they've got a genuine connection. Shawntel comes out with the fact that she's falling in love with him, and things go well. The dinner ends with a concert by Bankie Banks, who Brad aptly describes as "possibly the most famous singer in Anguilla." I literally choked on my coffee at that little gem. As if there is a huge pool of famous singers in Anguilla with which Bankie is competing. Amazing. The date ends with a strip-down and a midnight swim in the ocean where we realize both Brad and Shawntel have gaudy tramp stamps on their backs. Aww, so sweet.

The final one-on-one date is the long-awaited date between Britt and Brad. Wait, who is Britt? Have we met her before? Poor thing. I didn't even know what she did for a living. Apparently she is a food writer...a food writer with a pretty hot bod, if I don't mind saying so myself. I'm convinced she doesn't ingest the food she critiques. She's a spitter, people. But back to the date. Britt and Brad have a lovely day on a yacht, classily named "El Jefe," which is "The Boss" to you gringos. After the lovers do some cliff jumping and swimming in the turquoise waters, they chat on the beach. Britt confesses that she is not good at showing affection, which is great for Brad to hear since he's now an expert at all things relationships. At that point, her fate is essentially sealed. They enjoy a nice dinner on the yacht deck filled with small talk, and Brad cuts right to the chase by breaking more rules: he says he doesn't have a romantic connection with her and doesn't see it going anywhere. Okay, fine. I see that they don't have the connection he's seeking. But Brad has also spent next to zero time with her and I think he's jumping the gun a bit. It's a bit too soon for me, but Brad lets her go and she speeds off in a zodiac, while Brad stays on El Jefe.

The group date begins at 2 a.m. (yes, you read that correctly) when Brad wakes up Ashley, Chantal and Michelle for their Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photo sunrise photo shoot, on newsstands today! How's that for a coincidence! As the photo shoot commences a few hours later, the editor calls out the quote of the episode: "How do you feel about taking your top off?" Um...best quote ever. Ashley and Chantal, the two I would have predicted to be the least apt to drop top dive right it. Ashley is cute and playful as she is photographed, and Chantal quickly transforms from self-conscious and body-hating to a sultry seductress as she makes mad passionate love to the sand. But while these girls got crazy with seashells and sand, Michelle chooses Brad as the object of her affection. In typical Crazypants fashion, Michelle gets overly aggressive and does the shoot while straddling Brad and making out with him. I won't humor Michelle with much, but she is simply gross. As are her vein-filled solid volleyball boobs. Is that what a Salt Lake City boob job looks like?

Needless to say, Michelle's seduction of Brad starts the "hell" portion of the date off with a (almost literal) bang. Ashley questions her connection with Brad, Chantal begins crying for five hours, and Brad accuses Michelle of being a "volatile woman." Um, you think? At the end of the date, Brad gives the rose to Ashley, at which point he is greeted with a death stare from Crazy and more tears from Chantal. Talk about awkward!

At the rose ceremony, Brad keeps breaking the rules. He tells Chris Harrison that he has no need for a cocktail party before he hands out the roses since his mind is made up. Could he finally be coming to his senses?? So, off to the rose ceremony we go.

Roses go to:

1) Ashley

2) Emily

3) Shawntel

4) Chantal

Which means we say goodbye to Britt and Michelle/Crazy! Brad has a brain after all! Michelle's dismissal is perhaps the most awkward yet. She doesn't say a word to Brad as he escorts her out, and she drives away in complete silence as she lays down on the back seat of the limo and ponders her life and its many mistakes (bad boob job and general craziness included).

Awards:

1) Best quote: "How do you feel about taking your top off?" - SI Editor

2) Fakest ta-tas: Michelle's

3) Frontrunner: Emily

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. Has anyone else noticed that Brad's six pack may be fading? I'm nervous he's gotten weighed down by Crazy. Luckily she's gone now, so go take a jog, Bromack. And do some upkeep on your core. No one likes you. They only like your rockin' bod.

P.P.S. If you know me, you know that I strongly believe Canada is a mythical place to the North that...well...doesn't exist and is simply too bizarre and cold to comprehend. As an anti-Canadian, I would be remiss not to mention perhaps the best anti-Canadian spoof in recent history (although it has nothing to do with The Bachelor). I would like to thank 30 Rock for furthering my beliefs that Canada equates to craziness. Here's a few snippets from this week's episode.

-"We can't go to the hospital, this is Canada. If she's born here...good God...she'll be Canadian!"

-"In your opinion, what is so bad about being Canadian?" To which Jack and wife respond, "Your milk comes in bags. BAGS! Your pavilion in Epcot doesn't even have a ride!"

-"How far is the border?" "I don't know. When I asked the lady at the desk, she told me in kilometers!"

-"Aren't you in Canada?" "Yes, my daughter is Canadian-American, but I'm going to treat her just like a human baby."

Thank you, 30 Rock, for validating the truth-slash-conspiracy that is Canada.