From Sundance to Slumdance

Having landed just hours ago from Sundance, I was very excited to transition from the nation's hottest film festival, ripe with rising stars and stunning cinema, to the nation's most horrible show, ripe with blank stares and stunning idiocy. Yes, just as the flight was a bit turbulent, the transition from film to failure has been a bit bumpy. Oh, Bromack, thanks for reminding me that you are NOT an actor and I am back in reality. Just yesterday I was rubbing elbows and sipping wine with Patrick Wilson and Adrien Grenier...today I guzzle wine sans celebs and jet-laggedly fast-forward through painful TV. While being famous is...well...famous, coming back to reality is sobering indeed. Even when you're drunk on wine. Talk about going from Sundance to Slumdance. Here goes...

Tonight, we join Brainless Bromack on three dates. But first, Michelle wakes up with an inexplicable black eye. Has her ego clocked her across the face? Did the girls gang up on her in her sleep and beat her into a pulp? Who cares. All I know is I am loving the fact that she's got a shiner. What's better? She says, "I am gonna have Brad kiss my eye." Yup, she's crazy.

The first date is a one-on-one with Chantal O. The lovebirds are whisked away via helicopter to a cloudy Catalina Island. Chantal freaks about getting in the water, but she takes the plunge (literally) for Brad. They look like aliens in their sea-bed-walking gear, but they hang out underwater and even butt their heads to fake kiss. Horrible. They finish up with drinks, dinner and kissing on the beach. Brad is falling for her and he feels like he can be himself with Chantal. Awww...now Chantal and every other girl has heard the same thing. So sweet.

Meanwhile, back at the manse: Michelle has her hourly freak out and cry session. We don't care.

Back to Bromack and Chantal. They kiss more...it seems fine...whatever. She gets a rose. Is this season boring as hell?

The second date is the group clustermess. Nine girls and Brad go to the radio taping of "Loveline" with Mike and Dr. Drew (who is Mike?!?). It gets super deep when they all open up and share themselves with the American listening public. By "super deep," I mean surface-level and cliched. Who else noticed Dr. Drew's face the whole time? He's totally humiliated that he's on this trainwreck of a show. I mean, he's also on MTV's "16 and Pregnant," so I guess he didn't stoop too low for Bromack. But still. At least those knocked up hussies actually need therapy. Brad just needs a personality.

Next the girls and Brad head to--you guessed it!--a hot tub after party. The girls take Dr. Drew's advice by showing initiative. Maybe a little too much, as, one by one, they basically elbow their way in front of Brad for some private time. People are cut off, interrupted, and cried to. Messy. The only well-spent time was with Britt, who I think is super cute. Ashley H. freaks out and is stupid. And at the end, Britt gets the rose.

Next up is the long-time-coming and equally dreaded one-on-one with Shiner McGee/Crazy/Michelle. Of course, the lead-up to the date is a classic study in selfish and annoying behavior. Michelle is upset that her date card says something like "Let's hang out," and doesn't include the word "love." Okay over-thinker, step away from the ledge. Even better, Brad arrives to pick Michelle up, but first (thank god!), he asks to see Ashley H. so he can talk her off her own little ledge. Fine. What's better? Michelle, being the selfish brat she is, freaks out and bitches to the girls by saying that Ashley is "stealing" her time with Brad. Chantal puts her in her place by saying she did the same thing on the first group date when she was a baby and didn't film her scene because she was jealous of all the other girls kissing Brad. At this point, I don't just think she's annoying; I genuinely and actively dislike her. I also LOVE Chantal for putting this choo-choo in her place. But before the date begins, let me call out the massive amount of coverup that must have been applied to her messy eye to cover up what we all know is there.

Next, Selfish Shiner yanks Brad away and they drive to Brad's house for their date. A helicopter shows up and takes them to the top of a building so they can rappel off the side. But of course Michelle is afraid of heights and freaks out and cries like a baby. But Brad, with his winning personality and endless support (good god, I hope you sense sarcasm), helps her over the ledge, at which point she starts referring to Brad as "babe." Um, do you even know him? Slow down, Crazy. You've got a whole building to rappel down...and then probably five more hours with which you can further ruin the date. Don't "babe" him this early. But of course they kiss as they descend because why not? Who else thinks she's not even afraid of heights? She's just horrible, not height-afraid.

After the descent, they jump into the pool with their clothes on and make out. Bromack's tat makes another cameo and we remember his trashy roots...in case we had actually forgotten them. What we didn't forget is that Brad has no brain and no original thoughts. He reminds us of that every five minutes. Later, Crazy shares dinner with Brad. They talk about her daughter and Brad wants to meet her. I think it's weird because they've hung out for an hour. But that's just me being a good future dad. (Sidenote: the daughter's name is Brielle? Really, Michelle? Why not just Brie? That's a gorgeous name, and I happen to know and adore a pretty kick-a$$ baby Brie. The "elle" just announces a questionable past and an inability to make good decisions.) Then Michelle tells Brad that she doesn't see him with any of the other girls. Okay, I officially detest her. Can't she at least pretend she's nice? Nope...because she throws herself back on him in the hot tub. She gets a rose because Bromack knows she's a guarantee in the sack. America lets out a collective sigh.

At the rose ceremony, everyone is on edge. Who will be let free to be able to find a husband actually worth having? Not sure. First, we have some drama to get through. The therapist shows up first so Brad can hear things like this: "So you're more present...the good news is you know how to be aware of you." Like, aware of nothing? Is that the awareness he's referring to? Moving on...

Some chicks spend some time with Brad before the ceremony, but Brad makes significant efforts to have a little private picnic with Emily. So yeah, he likes her. And yeah, everyone freaks out. So outside Brad and Emily reestablish their connection and recreate their vineyard date (minus the fear-inducing plane ride that brings up memories of dead husbands, because that would just be mean).

Later, Chantal interrupts Brad after a minor teary freak-out. Brad reassures her and tells her that "she is everything that (he) (has) not been with in the past." Um...wait...did Brad just say something smart? Or did he just use syntax to fool us into believing he just made a point. I think the latter.

So the roses go to:

1) Chantal

2) Britt

3) Michelle

4) Ashley S.

5) Alli

6) Emily

7) Shawntel

8) Lisa

9) Jackie

10) Marissa

11) Ashley H.

Byeee to: Meghan, Lindsay, Stacey. Graceful exits, too.

Tonight's awards...

1) Quote: "I am gonna have Brad kiss my eye." -Michelle.

2) Fugliest: all the girls in the morning. Sweeties, you're on national TV. Powder your face and take off the glasses. You have a boring husband (and me) to impress!

3) Crazy: Michelle

4) Frontrunner: Emily. Kinda nervous their life together would be filled with awkward silence, though.

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. If you all don't start commenting soon, I don't know if I can go on. People, I don't do this for myself. Speak up!

P.P.S. Next week looks ridiculous.