...or notsomuch.
http://tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060307/ENTERTAINMENT12/603070351/1005/ENTERTAINMENT
Although we knew the minute it aired, the couple have officially split.
And The Bachelor busts again. How long can my lifeblood continue to disappoint me?
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
This "rocked me to the core!!"
The surprise of the century begins when Travis’s family arrives in Paris. Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-law and two nieces arrive to see Travis on the verge of ruining a woman’s life, and making the life (let’s be honest, maybe six months max) of another.
Sarah is the first lucky one to meet the fam. They meet at an indoor park where her inner kindergarten teacher comes out in a gooby and annoying scene. Cute, immature, whatever. Then, the parents show. Mom’s man-lion hair can’t fit through the door, and we love it. The parents are a bit scary, but Sarah wins them over with her Southern charm. It’s a bit awkward, but we’re fine with it b/c we know he’s choosing Moana.
The second awkward meeting involves Moana, the soon-to-be winner. They meet at the zoo. I barf in my mouth. They all share private moments with Moana, including dumpy brother-in-law. Then, Mom and Dad pose questions to which Moana has no answer at dinner. It’s about the most uncomfortable moment in Bachelor history. Then she pulls through with a quote for the ages which I’ve clearly forgotten. Oh, then she tells them that Travis has “rocked me to the core.” I die. And so do all of you.
After the parent meetings, the girls’ moms arrive and go shopping with the hoes. The shop for rings, they shop for dresses. Okay, serious moment: both girls looked hot as hell in their final dresses. Seriously, Moana was sexy as hell and Sarah was gorgeous. Both sets of boobs were fantastic, as were the asses. Moana’s mom is basically her sister, and Sarah’s mom is chubby. Little else to report.
Then, the REAL final dates happen. Sarah looks hot and pretends to play tennis in a cute tennis dress. Travis is good at tennis, and humors Sarah b/c we all know he’s dumping her. They share a nice dinner where Travis won’t look at Sarah in the eyes, and leaves soon after b/c he’s uncomfortable spending alone time with her. He’s thinking of boning Moana, and we all know it. Sarah basically throws herself at him, goes in for 82 kisses, and Travis barely gives in. No tongue! I hated it. It was awful, and he was so horribly not into her.
Next, Moana cooks dinner for Travis. He loves every second of it and makes out with her. She says, “You’re amazing.” I say this: is Travis really that amazing? Let’s think about it. I think not. Yes, he’s hot. Yes, he has biceps for days. And yes, I’d make out with him. But is he really THAT amazing? I think not. He’s vanilla, according to Aileen (my lover).
Finally, we’re to the final rose ceremony. Travis says his mind is made up, and this is a Bachelor first. I’m impressed. And waiting for him to choose Moana.
And then…
HE CHOOSES SARAH!!!!!
I’m dead and dying. At this point, my voice is gone. I’ve literally never screamed so loud at the TV. Travis dried Moana up for years, and I actually feel bad. Her tears, for once, seemed real. How dare ABC lead us on!!
Sarah, on the other hand, seems rather unenthused. Travis says, “I choose you.” Sarah doesn’t react.
He gives her a necklace with a ring on it, which is code for, “We’re breaking up in two months.”
I’m dead. I can’t. And I’m done.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Cutest: Whitney, the niece.
2) Best line: “Rocked me to the core.”—Moana
3) Most amazing: Cassie and Aileen
4) Best pronunciation: a) “Withdrawwwlll”—Moana, trying to say “withdrawal.” b) “Expecially”—Sarah, trying to say “especially.” Amazing. And maybe a little bit dumb.
I have nothing else. Is this a dream? Did he really choose Moana? Who really cares? Sarah and Travis are breaking up yesterday.
More to come…
With all my lerve,
Mike
Sarah is the first lucky one to meet the fam. They meet at an indoor park where her inner kindergarten teacher comes out in a gooby and annoying scene. Cute, immature, whatever. Then, the parents show. Mom’s man-lion hair can’t fit through the door, and we love it. The parents are a bit scary, but Sarah wins them over with her Southern charm. It’s a bit awkward, but we’re fine with it b/c we know he’s choosing Moana.
The second awkward meeting involves Moana, the soon-to-be winner. They meet at the zoo. I barf in my mouth. They all share private moments with Moana, including dumpy brother-in-law. Then, Mom and Dad pose questions to which Moana has no answer at dinner. It’s about the most uncomfortable moment in Bachelor history. Then she pulls through with a quote for the ages which I’ve clearly forgotten. Oh, then she tells them that Travis has “rocked me to the core.” I die. And so do all of you.
After the parent meetings, the girls’ moms arrive and go shopping with the hoes. The shop for rings, they shop for dresses. Okay, serious moment: both girls looked hot as hell in their final dresses. Seriously, Moana was sexy as hell and Sarah was gorgeous. Both sets of boobs were fantastic, as were the asses. Moana’s mom is basically her sister, and Sarah’s mom is chubby. Little else to report.
Then, the REAL final dates happen. Sarah looks hot and pretends to play tennis in a cute tennis dress. Travis is good at tennis, and humors Sarah b/c we all know he’s dumping her. They share a nice dinner where Travis won’t look at Sarah in the eyes, and leaves soon after b/c he’s uncomfortable spending alone time with her. He’s thinking of boning Moana, and we all know it. Sarah basically throws herself at him, goes in for 82 kisses, and Travis barely gives in. No tongue! I hated it. It was awful, and he was so horribly not into her.
Next, Moana cooks dinner for Travis. He loves every second of it and makes out with her. She says, “You’re amazing.” I say this: is Travis really that amazing? Let’s think about it. I think not. Yes, he’s hot. Yes, he has biceps for days. And yes, I’d make out with him. But is he really THAT amazing? I think not. He’s vanilla, according to Aileen (my lover).
Finally, we’re to the final rose ceremony. Travis says his mind is made up, and this is a Bachelor first. I’m impressed. And waiting for him to choose Moana.
And then…
HE CHOOSES SARAH!!!!!
I’m dead and dying. At this point, my voice is gone. I’ve literally never screamed so loud at the TV. Travis dried Moana up for years, and I actually feel bad. Her tears, for once, seemed real. How dare ABC lead us on!!
Sarah, on the other hand, seems rather unenthused. Travis says, “I choose you.” Sarah doesn’t react.
He gives her a necklace with a ring on it, which is code for, “We’re breaking up in two months.”
I’m dead. I can’t. And I’m done.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Cutest: Whitney, the niece.
2) Best line: “Rocked me to the core.”—Moana
3) Most amazing: Cassie and Aileen
4) Best pronunciation: a) “Withdrawwwlll”—Moana, trying to say “withdrawal.” b) “Expecially”—Sarah, trying to say “especially.” Amazing. And maybe a little bit dumb.
I have nothing else. Is this a dream? Did he really choose Moana? Who really cares? Sarah and Travis are breaking up yesterday.
More to come…
With all my lerve,
Mike
Monday, February 20, 2006
“Your Family Pretty Much Threw You Under the Bus”
It was the Bitches Tell All episode, and, being on the road with little better to do, I had to watch. Live from Dallas, it’s my blog.
This won’t be as long as last week, but here are a few highlights.
The first in the hot-seat was Susan (whose family “threw her under the bus”). She sheds the first tears of the evening when every raging bitch rips into her. Led by the angsty Jennifer, the jealous hoes gang up on Susan’s intentions and motives. A few of the earlier-dissed girls defend her, and I side with them. But seriously, BitchFest USA 2006 was pretty hardcore. And I now hate Jennifer—although I loved how Susan went from “falling in love” with Travis to “being in love” with Travis in one sentence.
Next, Stony McStoned-a-lot takes the stage. Sarah from some random country is cute, and she is over Jennifer’s bitchiness.
Next, a cute Kristen saddles up. Her orange-peel teeth haunt us again, but we realize she’s kinda nice and stuff.
Then, Ali G. (or lack thereof) is the focus. She (SURPRISE!!) has declined to show. Brilliant. Maybe it’s because she’s a raging crazy person.
Travis soon arrives, and—as always—he’s a diplomat. Boring…yet chiseled.
Honestly, this is the first time I’ve blogged the Bitches Tell All.
Awards:
Craziest: Da Ali G
Most Jealous: Jennifer
Most Texan: Me. My Texas Tour lasts all week. I plan on buying cowboy boots.
Until the Finale,
Mike
This won’t be as long as last week, but here are a few highlights.
The first in the hot-seat was Susan (whose family “threw her under the bus”). She sheds the first tears of the evening when every raging bitch rips into her. Led by the angsty Jennifer, the jealous hoes gang up on Susan’s intentions and motives. A few of the earlier-dissed girls defend her, and I side with them. But seriously, BitchFest USA 2006 was pretty hardcore. And I now hate Jennifer—although I loved how Susan went from “falling in love” with Travis to “being in love” with Travis in one sentence.
Next, Stony McStoned-a-lot takes the stage. Sarah from some random country is cute, and she is over Jennifer’s bitchiness.
Next, a cute Kristen saddles up. Her orange-peel teeth haunt us again, but we realize she’s kinda nice and stuff.
Then, Ali G. (or lack thereof) is the focus. She (SURPRISE!!) has declined to show. Brilliant. Maybe it’s because she’s a raging crazy person.
Travis soon arrives, and—as always—he’s a diplomat. Boring…yet chiseled.
Honestly, this is the first time I’ve blogged the Bitches Tell All.
Awards:
Craziest: Da Ali G
Most Jealous: Jennifer
Most Texan: Me. My Texas Tour lasts all week. I plan on buying cowboy boots.
Until the Finale,
Mike
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
True Life: I'm a blogger.
This past week we took some action shots. Publicist thought it a good idea to allow my readers an opportunity to see me in action.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
“I’m not gonna promise anything that I can’t promise.”
Live from LA, it’s me (joined by John and Lindsey). Lindsey and John may be referenced throughout this update, so be prepared. They’re both inappropriate, just like me. That’s the only reason I like them.
So we begin the episode with three chicks left: Moana, Sarah TN, and Susan.
Just kidding, we actually begin the episode with a 45-minute montage of bullsh*t from the past 94785 seasons. We get to see raging bitch Trish from the Jesse Palmer season, Jerry O’Connell’s brother who we don’t remember, and also Bassy McFishalot and Mary McCuban (aka the “tanorexics” [credit to Lindsey]) from the season we didn’t watch. Who knew that O’Connell and McFishalot secured lovers? I didn’t watch, and neither did you.
Juicy deets from past seasons aside, I’m pissed at ABC for making this episode two hours long. The 45-minute intro was uncalled for, and ABC needs to search for revenue elsewhere. I’m in LA and I’d rather be in some lame West Hollywood bar at which I could make fun of lame LA people instead of being holed up in my fabulous (mind you) hotel room on the Sunset Strip with a view of the hills, the pool, and the skyline. Oh, the only fabulous thing here isn’t just my hotel. There’s also me. Hi, I’m Mike, and I’m fabulous.
After I shot myself nine times, the first overnight date begins in smelly Venice. Moana and Hotty Mc-Hot-a-Doc meet in the pigeon-infested city, and actually let the rats with wings fly all over them. After barfing, I return to the TV and join the lovers on their dinner date where Travis toasts himself to being with the “most beautiful woman in Venice.” By beautiful, he means, “your hair is dyed FAR too black.”
Travis says gooby things at dinner, and my vomiting continues. Then he gives her the letter inviting sex in a room together (aka the “fantasy suite”). Moana pulls out the insecurity card, and Travis says, “I’m not gonna promise anything I can’t promise.” Clearly he read that in President Bush’s latest diary entry. They have wild passionate in the fantasy suite, and we see and/or hear nothing. I hate it.
Vienna is the setting for Date 2. Sarah TN meets Hotty Doc in Austria, and they ride a ferris wheel. He doesn’t like her like he likes Moana and we all know it. Lindsey thinks her turtleneck looks straight out of Jacklyn Smith’s K-Mart Pumpkin Spice Collection. I agree. John, ADD for days, is disinterested and drawing on his arm. I, at this point, love that Travis is shirtless. They kiss, although not with tongue. So it’s not hot and I hate it.
Then they have a chat, kiss, and we all die again. It was the most unromantic moment in America. Ewwwwww…and there we have it. Sarah is the frontrunner for losing! She’s as boring as Jenna Jameson giving Ricky Martin a lapdance. She’s a big herpe and we’re Valtrexing her out of our life. This, by the way, is my new favorite saying. Use it in a sentence today. (Credit goes to Lindsey).
Date 3 is somewhere special that I don’t remember (I was filling my wine glass). Travis confronts Susan’s acting ambitions. And they’re wearing helmets which makes it more romantic. Lindsey says, “Having a serious conversation while wearing helmets is almost the equivalent of having an IQ test on a shortbus.”
Susan feigns tears and emotions after being confronted, but we all know it’s just some monologue she memorized prior to taping.
Travis keeps questioning her…I’m getting over it. He’s more interested in the fondue that he is she. Then they get in their bathing suits and we’re happy again. Then they have an awkward kiss.
Back in Paris, the hoes send video messages. Travis says he’s sad.
Then everyone shows up in ugly dresses. Oh yay.
And the roses go to:
1) Moana (duh)
2) Sarah TN
Susan gets Valtrexed. We think it’s because of the helmet. But she was the prettiest. And that’s all that matters (because I’m in LA, not b/c I’m mean. Just kidding).
Gross with their parting remarks. “I swear I’ll never forget you.” What is this, a Titanic meets Cold Mountain moment? I hate it.
Okay, I’m off to make the most of LA. That means, off to mock people.
Until next week…my update from Texas will be one hour later than usual. Then again, I never blog the “Women tell all” episode. It’s dumb. We’ll see if I’m motivated.
Love to all,
Mike
So we begin the episode with three chicks left: Moana, Sarah TN, and Susan.
Just kidding, we actually begin the episode with a 45-minute montage of bullsh*t from the past 94785 seasons. We get to see raging bitch Trish from the Jesse Palmer season, Jerry O’Connell’s brother who we don’t remember, and also Bassy McFishalot and Mary McCuban (aka the “tanorexics” [credit to Lindsey]) from the season we didn’t watch. Who knew that O’Connell and McFishalot secured lovers? I didn’t watch, and neither did you.
Juicy deets from past seasons aside, I’m pissed at ABC for making this episode two hours long. The 45-minute intro was uncalled for, and ABC needs to search for revenue elsewhere. I’m in LA and I’d rather be in some lame West Hollywood bar at which I could make fun of lame LA people instead of being holed up in my fabulous (mind you) hotel room on the Sunset Strip with a view of the hills, the pool, and the skyline. Oh, the only fabulous thing here isn’t just my hotel. There’s also me. Hi, I’m Mike, and I’m fabulous.
After I shot myself nine times, the first overnight date begins in smelly Venice. Moana and Hotty Mc-Hot-a-Doc meet in the pigeon-infested city, and actually let the rats with wings fly all over them. After barfing, I return to the TV and join the lovers on their dinner date where Travis toasts himself to being with the “most beautiful woman in Venice.” By beautiful, he means, “your hair is dyed FAR too black.”
Travis says gooby things at dinner, and my vomiting continues. Then he gives her the letter inviting sex in a room together (aka the “fantasy suite”). Moana pulls out the insecurity card, and Travis says, “I’m not gonna promise anything I can’t promise.” Clearly he read that in President Bush’s latest diary entry. They have wild passionate in the fantasy suite, and we see and/or hear nothing. I hate it.
Vienna is the setting for Date 2. Sarah TN meets Hotty Doc in Austria, and they ride a ferris wheel. He doesn’t like her like he likes Moana and we all know it. Lindsey thinks her turtleneck looks straight out of Jacklyn Smith’s K-Mart Pumpkin Spice Collection. I agree. John, ADD for days, is disinterested and drawing on his arm. I, at this point, love that Travis is shirtless. They kiss, although not with tongue. So it’s not hot and I hate it.
Then they have a chat, kiss, and we all die again. It was the most unromantic moment in America. Ewwwwww…and there we have it. Sarah is the frontrunner for losing! She’s as boring as Jenna Jameson giving Ricky Martin a lapdance. She’s a big herpe and we’re Valtrexing her out of our life. This, by the way, is my new favorite saying. Use it in a sentence today. (Credit goes to Lindsey).
Date 3 is somewhere special that I don’t remember (I was filling my wine glass). Travis confronts Susan’s acting ambitions. And they’re wearing helmets which makes it more romantic. Lindsey says, “Having a serious conversation while wearing helmets is almost the equivalent of having an IQ test on a shortbus.”
Susan feigns tears and emotions after being confronted, but we all know it’s just some monologue she memorized prior to taping.
Travis keeps questioning her…I’m getting over it. He’s more interested in the fondue that he is she. Then they get in their bathing suits and we’re happy again. Then they have an awkward kiss.
Back in Paris, the hoes send video messages. Travis says he’s sad.
Then everyone shows up in ugly dresses. Oh yay.
And the roses go to:
1) Moana (duh)
2) Sarah TN
Susan gets Valtrexed. We think it’s because of the helmet. But she was the prettiest. And that’s all that matters (because I’m in LA, not b/c I’m mean. Just kidding).
Gross with their parting remarks. “I swear I’ll never forget you.” What is this, a Titanic meets Cold Mountain moment? I hate it.
Okay, I’m off to make the most of LA. That means, off to mock people.
Until next week…my update from Texas will be one hour later than usual. Then again, I never blog the “Women tell all” episode. It’s dumb. We’ll see if I’m motivated.
Love to all,
Mike
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I've failed.
I'm faced with a choice: do I write a pseudo-review, or do I maintain my journalistic integrity and confess the truth? I choose the latter.
Friends, lovers, fans and foes, I have failed you. Instead of watching The Bachelor last night, a Fashion Week extravaganza begged for an appearance, and as a star in New York, my publicist thought it best that I attend. And I may have had one (or three) too many glasses of champagne.
A little bird told me this, though. Moana's family is crazy. Sarah from Canada is a stoner who lives in a mythical land to the north. Susan is furthering her career and was engaged in the past. And Sarah from TN is fine.
Roses to Moana, Susan and Sarah TN. Stoner McGee is sent back to "Canada."
Okay, I'm crying. How could I miss all these juicy deets?!?!
Please, I beg of you. Let me win you back next week with a review that will knock your socks off! I'll be watching from LA, so the post will be three hours past its normal time.
Love and apologies,
a humbled Mike
Friends, lovers, fans and foes, I have failed you. Instead of watching The Bachelor last night, a Fashion Week extravaganza begged for an appearance, and as a star in New York, my publicist thought it best that I attend. And I may have had one (or three) too many glasses of champagne.
A little bird told me this, though. Moana's family is crazy. Sarah from Canada is a stoner who lives in a mythical land to the north. Susan is furthering her career and was engaged in the past. And Sarah from TN is fine.
Roses to Moana, Susan and Sarah TN. Stoner McGee is sent back to "Canada."
Okay, I'm crying. How could I miss all these juicy deets?!?!
Please, I beg of you. Let me win you back next week with a review that will knock your socks off! I'll be watching from LA, so the post will be three hours past its normal time.
Love and apologies,
a humbled Mike
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Pics from a drunken night.
Um...pics from a Bachelorite. Hotty Doc, what's with the long hair? That's the biggest damn mess. Keep the juicy deets coming, readers. You know you love this.
Monday, January 30, 2006
"Head-to-toe Spandex. That's hot."
Six hoes, three days, four roses. And we begin.
Who’s going to decide who gets the one-on-one dates? Who else? Bitches from previous episodes! Jenny (the “model”) and Shiloh (the woman named after a horse) return to Paris to interview/interrogate the remaining ladies. When I say “interview/interrogate” I mean degrade and mortify.
They basically rape Moana. And we move on.
Date One: Jehan, 29.
A romantic evening is spent in gay Paris. She confesses the deal-breaker: she’s once been married. She isn’t pure. Travis’s picture of her is ruined. Romantic date thereby over. But, since he has no cojones, he asks her to stay without offering a rose. WEAK.
Date Two: Sarah (from somewhere north), Tara, Susan, Moana.
A bike ride through the countryside fuels competition and heat. Moana, naturally, wins the race. And wins one-on-one time with Hotty Doc. Travis loves women in “head-to-toe Spandex,” by the way.
Moana, as the winner, gets a massage. The other girls get nada. Well, they get to talk about her behind her back—which, I guess, is something. Moana later confronts them after overhearing the sh*t-talking, and cries. For the first time this episode. There are two more incidents of her crying, don’t worry.
Date Three: Sarah from TN
With curlers in her hair, she prepares for her date as any Southern girl would do. Once together, the lovely couple gets a horrific portrait painted, Travis re-affirms that he has no working knowledge of French, and we’re over it. Oh, she gets a rose too.
Prior to the big event (rose ceremony), Travis visits the “women’s home” (oddly reminiscent of a loony bin) and gets some more individual time with the remaining swooners. Sarah (Canada?) reminds us that she’s still stoned. Jehan sells vitamins and is once-divorced. Moana cries again. And again.
Rose Ceremony.
1) Sarah (TN)
2) Sarah (Canada—wait…how much longer can this place exist?)
3) Susan
4) Moana (the bitch always pulls through!)
BYEEEEEEEE to Tara and Jehan. Tara, warns Travis of Moana’s disastrous ways. We’re over it. Because, you know what? She’s not all bad. ABC is just starved for some drama.
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Most hideous shirt: Travis’s puke-brown shirt at the rose ceremony.
2) Most Dramatic: Moana. Stop the tears. We don’t like them
3) Outfits that best epitomize the South: Sarah (TN). Boufant hair, curlers, overdone dresses. It all amounts to the rebel lifestyle.
Until next week, your undying Bachelorite,
Mike
Who’s going to decide who gets the one-on-one dates? Who else? Bitches from previous episodes! Jenny (the “model”) and Shiloh (the woman named after a horse) return to Paris to interview/interrogate the remaining ladies. When I say “interview/interrogate” I mean degrade and mortify.
They basically rape Moana. And we move on.
Date One: Jehan, 29.
A romantic evening is spent in gay Paris. She confesses the deal-breaker: she’s once been married. She isn’t pure. Travis’s picture of her is ruined. Romantic date thereby over. But, since he has no cojones, he asks her to stay without offering a rose. WEAK.
Date Two: Sarah (from somewhere north), Tara, Susan, Moana.
A bike ride through the countryside fuels competition and heat. Moana, naturally, wins the race. And wins one-on-one time with Hotty Doc. Travis loves women in “head-to-toe Spandex,” by the way.
Moana, as the winner, gets a massage. The other girls get nada. Well, they get to talk about her behind her back—which, I guess, is something. Moana later confronts them after overhearing the sh*t-talking, and cries. For the first time this episode. There are two more incidents of her crying, don’t worry.
Date Three: Sarah from TN
With curlers in her hair, she prepares for her date as any Southern girl would do. Once together, the lovely couple gets a horrific portrait painted, Travis re-affirms that he has no working knowledge of French, and we’re over it. Oh, she gets a rose too.
Prior to the big event (rose ceremony), Travis visits the “women’s home” (oddly reminiscent of a loony bin) and gets some more individual time with the remaining swooners. Sarah (Canada?) reminds us that she’s still stoned. Jehan sells vitamins and is once-divorced. Moana cries again. And again.
Rose Ceremony.
1) Sarah (TN)
2) Sarah (Canada—wait…how much longer can this place exist?)
3) Susan
4) Moana (the bitch always pulls through!)
BYEEEEEEEE to Tara and Jehan. Tara, warns Travis of Moana’s disastrous ways. We’re over it. Because, you know what? She’s not all bad. ABC is just starved for some drama.
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Most hideous shirt: Travis’s puke-brown shirt at the rose ceremony.
2) Most Dramatic: Moana. Stop the tears. We don’t like them
3) Outfits that best epitomize the South: Sarah (TN). Boufant hair, curlers, overdone dresses. It all amounts to the rebel lifestyle.
Until next week, your undying Bachelorite,
Mike
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Bachelorite Update #1!
From a loyal (and sexy) bachelorite who lives in Nashville:
"i actually SAW mr hot doc the other night at a bar. he is cuter in person if you can believe it. and word here in nashville is that sarah from tn makes it to the round where he meets her parents and it goes badly. she went cuckoo when her last relationship broke up and told everybody her now ex is gay."
I love having my minions do the dirty work...
"i actually SAW mr hot doc the other night at a bar. he is cuter in person if you can believe it. and word here in nashville is that sarah from tn makes it to the round where he meets her parents and it goes badly. she went cuckoo when her last relationship broke up and told everybody her now ex is gay."
I love having my minions do the dirty work...
Monday, January 23, 2006
"When I wake up, I'm excited."
Chris begins the episode with the all-important question: “Who wants to be a doctor’s wife.” Well…me for one. But, let’s get to the juice…
Hotty-Mc-Hot-A-Doc’s friends join us in France to accomplish one mission: superficially judge the remaining girls. Make them do embarrassing things, and humor us for days.
Then, Date One begins. Friends Matt and Kevin chose Susan for the first date, which was a romantic evening spent in a Smart Car and a Parisian Café. This one-on-one date will live in infamy due to the following quotes.
1) “Oh my god, I completely agree with you.” – Susan
2) “I like you so much it freaks me out.” – Susan
3) “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan
And I’m dead. Susan is an aspiring actress. To me, she’s an aspiring Univision star. God those Spanish telenovelas are AMAZING! To our surprise, she gets a rose.
Date Two: Tara, Sarah from TN, Moana, Jehan and Shiloh are whisked away to the French Riviera. Drama ensues.
Mr. Bicep takes his shirt off, and we’re all peeing a little bit. His biceps are larger than my midsection, and I’m fine with it.
First, Moana takes Travis for a ride on the SeaDoo. The bitches are pissed, and it’s all normal in Bachelorland. Gambling soon begins, and Shiloh becomes inappropriately drunk. She then wastedly exposes Moana’s cruel intentions. We’re a bit embarrassed for her, but we’re over it.
Sarah from TN tells us that she’s serious about Travis after she is presented with the question: “Are you a sexual being?” which serenades as “Are you a virgin?” My take? Yes, she’s a raging virge. Then a drunken Old Navy employee interrupts (Tara).
Moana wakes Travis the following morning with some coffee and a little morning loving (which we all agree is the best). She thus secures the rose.
Date Three: Sarah (Canada) and Jennifer go camping! Jennifer, the “model” is a bit uncomfortable with the concept of time spent outside, and she loses because of it. She’s afraid of bugs, and Travis is afraid of her. Sarah, in her stoned magnificence, gets the last rose. She’s drunk, she’s on drugs, and we love it all. But, then we come to the following realization: when is Travis going to realize she doesn’t exist? What is this Canada place?
Tonight’s Roses…
1) Susan
2) Moana
3) Sarah (Canada)
4) Jehan (who are you?)
5) Tara
6) Sarah (TN)
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to Jennifer and Shiloh.
Tonight’s Awards…
1) Worst outfit: Matt, the doctor friend. A plaid blazer and a ridiculously striped shirt is never a good choice.
2) Best quote: “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan. Seriously…no.
3) Best biceps: Travis. I kinda wanna lick ‘em.
Until next week,
Mike
Hotty-Mc-Hot-A-Doc’s friends join us in France to accomplish one mission: superficially judge the remaining girls. Make them do embarrassing things, and humor us for days.
Then, Date One begins. Friends Matt and Kevin chose Susan for the first date, which was a romantic evening spent in a Smart Car and a Parisian Café. This one-on-one date will live in infamy due to the following quotes.
1) “Oh my god, I completely agree with you.” – Susan
2) “I like you so much it freaks me out.” – Susan
3) “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan
And I’m dead. Susan is an aspiring actress. To me, she’s an aspiring Univision star. God those Spanish telenovelas are AMAZING! To our surprise, she gets a rose.
Date Two: Tara, Sarah from TN, Moana, Jehan and Shiloh are whisked away to the French Riviera. Drama ensues.
Mr. Bicep takes his shirt off, and we’re all peeing a little bit. His biceps are larger than my midsection, and I’m fine with it.
First, Moana takes Travis for a ride on the SeaDoo. The bitches are pissed, and it’s all normal in Bachelorland. Gambling soon begins, and Shiloh becomes inappropriately drunk. She then wastedly exposes Moana’s cruel intentions. We’re a bit embarrassed for her, but we’re over it.
Sarah from TN tells us that she’s serious about Travis after she is presented with the question: “Are you a sexual being?” which serenades as “Are you a virgin?” My take? Yes, she’s a raging virge. Then a drunken Old Navy employee interrupts (Tara).
Moana wakes Travis the following morning with some coffee and a little morning loving (which we all agree is the best). She thus secures the rose.
Date Three: Sarah (Canada) and Jennifer go camping! Jennifer, the “model” is a bit uncomfortable with the concept of time spent outside, and she loses because of it. She’s afraid of bugs, and Travis is afraid of her. Sarah, in her stoned magnificence, gets the last rose. She’s drunk, she’s on drugs, and we love it all. But, then we come to the following realization: when is Travis going to realize she doesn’t exist? What is this Canada place?
Tonight’s Roses…
1) Susan
2) Moana
3) Sarah (Canada)
4) Jehan (who are you?)
5) Tara
6) Sarah (TN)
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to Jennifer and Shiloh.
Tonight’s Awards…
1) Worst outfit: Matt, the doctor friend. A plaid blazer and a ridiculously striped shirt is never a good choice.
2) Best quote: “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan. Seriously…no.
3) Best biceps: Travis. I kinda wanna lick ‘em.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
"Have you guys seen the tip?"
Episode two gets it going. Three dates, twelve hoes, six roses. And we begin. (Let’s not forget that I’m wasted while writing this.)
Date One: Eiffel Tower and Arc
Travis Mc-Hot-A-Doc invites Jehan, Yvonne, Cole, Sarah from TN and Elizabeth on a sightseeing tour of Paris. It’s raining, hair is deflating, and the romance is waning. Yet, out of nowhere, Travis says, “Have you seen the tip…” And the fun begins. Jehan confesses that her three passions are nature, church and health. Wow, I couldn’t be more excited. Er…what? Regardless, Jehan secures the rose and she’s safe until episode three.
Date Two: Boat Cruise on the Seine
Travis invites Kristen O’Mall Hair on a romantic date on the Seine. She writes a poem worthy of a first-grade writing prize and loses Travis’s interest. And then, to think she hadn’t already ruined it all, she puts an orange peel in her mouth to mimic trash teeth. At this point, I’m dying. I’m sorry, who does that? As if your ramen-noodle hair hadn’t already set you behind the competition, you have to go and write a bad poem and serenade him with trash teeth?? So, needless to say, Kristen was quickly dismissed with an anti-rose. Have a safe flight, Kristen. Maybe boys in Florida will appreciate your knack at elementary literature.
Date Three: Jennifer, Shiloh, Moana, Susan, Sarah from Canada and Tara
A helicopter lands at the manse and picks up the six ladies. They are whisked away to somewhere French and inevitable romance ensues. Sarah from Canada (what?? Can someone remind me of the location of said fictional place??) states, all so eloquently, “I feel wow with you,” and I proceed to barf. Tara, red-headed and fabulous, walks around in unfortunate shorts. Let me remind us all that her profession is “retail sales.” I can picture her now in a suburban Kansas Old Navy, complete with a Backstreet-Boys-style headset. She’s clearly amazing and talented in her chosen profession. Yet, skills and all, she secures the rose on Date Three. And we have a red-head in the top six. I think it’s Travis’s version of affirmative action. I, too, have a dream, that one day, we will have a red-head in the top six of The Bachelor. And we do. Thank you, MLK.
At the rose ceremony, a greasy Travis chooses:
1) Moana, the dark horse
2) Sarah from TN
3) Jennifer
4) Sarah from Canada who requests “baby kisses”
5) Shiloh
6) Susan
7) Jehan
8) Tara
Byeeeeeeeeee to 1) Yvonne, 2) Cole, 3) Elizabeth, and 4) Kristen.
Awards:
1) Quote of the night: “Have you guys seen the tip?” –Travis
2) Best outfit: Tara’s tweed shorts. Never. Ever. For real.
3) Most wasted: everyone I watched the Golden Globes with. I love you all.
I’m drunk and I’m going to bed.
Until next week,
Mike
Date One: Eiffel Tower and Arc
Travis Mc-Hot-A-Doc invites Jehan, Yvonne, Cole, Sarah from TN and Elizabeth on a sightseeing tour of Paris. It’s raining, hair is deflating, and the romance is waning. Yet, out of nowhere, Travis says, “Have you seen the tip…” And the fun begins. Jehan confesses that her three passions are nature, church and health. Wow, I couldn’t be more excited. Er…what? Regardless, Jehan secures the rose and she’s safe until episode three.
Date Two: Boat Cruise on the Seine
Travis invites Kristen O’Mall Hair on a romantic date on the Seine. She writes a poem worthy of a first-grade writing prize and loses Travis’s interest. And then, to think she hadn’t already ruined it all, she puts an orange peel in her mouth to mimic trash teeth. At this point, I’m dying. I’m sorry, who does that? As if your ramen-noodle hair hadn’t already set you behind the competition, you have to go and write a bad poem and serenade him with trash teeth?? So, needless to say, Kristen was quickly dismissed with an anti-rose. Have a safe flight, Kristen. Maybe boys in Florida will appreciate your knack at elementary literature.
Date Three: Jennifer, Shiloh, Moana, Susan, Sarah from Canada and Tara
A helicopter lands at the manse and picks up the six ladies. They are whisked away to somewhere French and inevitable romance ensues. Sarah from Canada (what?? Can someone remind me of the location of said fictional place??) states, all so eloquently, “I feel wow with you,” and I proceed to barf. Tara, red-headed and fabulous, walks around in unfortunate shorts. Let me remind us all that her profession is “retail sales.” I can picture her now in a suburban Kansas Old Navy, complete with a Backstreet-Boys-style headset. She’s clearly amazing and talented in her chosen profession. Yet, skills and all, she secures the rose on Date Three. And we have a red-head in the top six. I think it’s Travis’s version of affirmative action. I, too, have a dream, that one day, we will have a red-head in the top six of The Bachelor. And we do. Thank you, MLK.
At the rose ceremony, a greasy Travis chooses:
1) Moana, the dark horse
2) Sarah from TN
3) Jennifer
4) Sarah from Canada who requests “baby kisses”
5) Shiloh
6) Susan
7) Jehan
8) Tara
Byeeeeeeeeee to 1) Yvonne, 2) Cole, 3) Elizabeth, and 4) Kristen.
Awards:
1) Quote of the night: “Have you guys seen the tip?” –Travis
2) Best outfit: Tara’s tweed shorts. Never. Ever. For real.
3) Most wasted: everyone I watched the Golden Globes with. I love you all.
I’m drunk and I’m going to bed.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, January 09, 2006
"I'm ready for the reproductive stage."
Well folks, the above-quoted sentence is one we’ve all learned never to say. Thanks Crazy…I mean Allie.
Friends, lovers, and everyone in between,
It’s back. And so am I.
Oh, and so are the crazies. Her name is Allie, by the way. And apparently she’s an oncologist. If we could go ahead and refer her to the nearest psychiatrist, that’d be great.
And on with the show…
We join Hotty McHot-a-Doc in Paris. Naturally, he’s educated, hot, and loaded with traits aimed at raising his stock price. Namely, he’s a doctor named Travis who says things like, “Yeah, it’s very big.” More on that quote to come.
Travis, by the way, might be my comeback kid. His stock is cresting (again, a Hot Doctor), he lives in the South, and he’s the next Bachelor. Thank you ABC, you just may have picked a winner. Oh let’s be honest, he’ll choose some chick and they’ll break it off two months later. But I blog on…
The ladies arrived to the chateau limo by limo, one by one. Some were cute. Some wore bad dresses. And some spoke of their dying eggs and their need to make babies ASAP. Note to self, never mention dying eggs and necessary reproduction during first five minutes of meeting man of dreams. (Also realize that I don’t have eggs.)
A few highlights of the arrivals: Kristen’s (a.k.a. “Jugs”) huge boobs; Moana’s disastrous dress; Princess’s name; Jaime’s dress and mall hair; and Sarah’s (the Canadian) stoned demeanor.
Note to ABC: we’re on to you. You only film the hoes that he picks and/or cause drama. It makes rose time less exciting. Also, work on the music. I’ve asked for three (3) seasons now for new music, and you’ve yet to deliver. It’s getting old.
Okay, back to the show. The first rose went to Sarah from Canada (I’m sorry…where is that again?). She was stoned. It’s just that simple.
The remaining roses went to:
1) Cole
2) Moana who wore a bad dress and ugly leaf earrings
3) Jennifer who’s a “model”
4) Elizabeth
5) Shiloh who was named after some horse that I rode when I was 6.
6) Yvonne
7) Jehan
8) Susan
9) Tara
10) Sarah from TN who’s cute
11) “Jugs” (Kristen)
And now, for tonight’s awards.
-Best Occupation: Jehan. She’s a “Vitamin Sales Rep.”
-Best Quote: “Yeah, it’s very big.” –Travis. (See above.)
Runner-up: “I work in a hospital” –Travis. Just say you’re a doctor, you humble sh*t.
-Best—i.e. WORST—name: Princess (runners up are Shiloh, Venus and Jehan)
-Cutest: Sarah and Sarah. Get ready to duke it out, bitches.
-Worst Moment: “I’m ready for the reproductive stage.” – Allie. Get some help.
-Biggest Stoner: Sarah from…where?...Canada??
-HOLY CRAZY AWARD: Allie. Enjoy your flight home. And remind me to tell all your patients you’re crazy.
-Coolest: Me. Obviously.
Until next week, au revoir,
Mike, your devoted, loving, redeemed blogger.
Friends, lovers, and everyone in between,
It’s back. And so am I.
Oh, and so are the crazies. Her name is Allie, by the way. And apparently she’s an oncologist. If we could go ahead and refer her to the nearest psychiatrist, that’d be great.
And on with the show…
We join Hotty McHot-a-Doc in Paris. Naturally, he’s educated, hot, and loaded with traits aimed at raising his stock price. Namely, he’s a doctor named Travis who says things like, “Yeah, it’s very big.” More on that quote to come.
Travis, by the way, might be my comeback kid. His stock is cresting (again, a Hot Doctor), he lives in the South, and he’s the next Bachelor. Thank you ABC, you just may have picked a winner. Oh let’s be honest, he’ll choose some chick and they’ll break it off two months later. But I blog on…
The ladies arrived to the chateau limo by limo, one by one. Some were cute. Some wore bad dresses. And some spoke of their dying eggs and their need to make babies ASAP. Note to self, never mention dying eggs and necessary reproduction during first five minutes of meeting man of dreams. (Also realize that I don’t have eggs.)
A few highlights of the arrivals: Kristen’s (a.k.a. “Jugs”) huge boobs; Moana’s disastrous dress; Princess’s name; Jaime’s dress and mall hair; and Sarah’s (the Canadian) stoned demeanor.
Note to ABC: we’re on to you. You only film the hoes that he picks and/or cause drama. It makes rose time less exciting. Also, work on the music. I’ve asked for three (3) seasons now for new music, and you’ve yet to deliver. It’s getting old.
Okay, back to the show. The first rose went to Sarah from Canada (I’m sorry…where is that again?). She was stoned. It’s just that simple.
The remaining roses went to:
1) Cole
2) Moana who wore a bad dress and ugly leaf earrings
3) Jennifer who’s a “model”
4) Elizabeth
5) Shiloh who was named after some horse that I rode when I was 6.
6) Yvonne
7) Jehan
8) Susan
9) Tara
10) Sarah from TN who’s cute
11) “Jugs” (Kristen)
And now, for tonight’s awards.
-Best Occupation: Jehan. She’s a “Vitamin Sales Rep.”
-Best Quote: “Yeah, it’s very big.” –Travis. (See above.)
Runner-up: “I work in a hospital” –Travis. Just say you’re a doctor, you humble sh*t.
-Best—i.e. WORST—name: Princess (runners up are Shiloh, Venus and Jehan)
-Cutest: Sarah and Sarah. Get ready to duke it out, bitches.
-Worst Moment: “I’m ready for the reproductive stage.” – Allie. Get some help.
-Biggest Stoner: Sarah from…where?...Canada??
-HOLY CRAZY AWARD: Allie. Enjoy your flight home. And remind me to tell all your patients you’re crazy.
-Coolest: Me. Obviously.
Until next week, au revoir,
Mike, your devoted, loving, redeemed blogger.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
I'm on to you, NYPD and NYFD!
After three years in this delightful city, I am hereby proposing a theory. After numerous tests of my hypothesis, it has been scientifically proven: the NYPD and NYFD allocate their hot officers to make house calls, and the also-rans do the dirty work (like saving lives, fighting fires, and other sundry duties). How great is the word "sundry," by the way?
The most recent instance occurred this morning at my place of employment. After a new co-worker involuntarily set off the security alarm, two cops strutted in to make sure all was well in our comfy loft above West Broadway. The cops? Hot. Especially the dark-haired one to whom I gave a "tour" of our office.
In addition to witnessing house calls by firemen in their full garb twice now, my theory has been proven. Any of you who concur, feel free to add your own experiences.
God I love this city.
The most recent instance occurred this morning at my place of employment. After a new co-worker involuntarily set off the security alarm, two cops strutted in to make sure all was well in our comfy loft above West Broadway. The cops? Hot. Especially the dark-haired one to whom I gave a "tour" of our office.
In addition to witnessing house calls by firemen in their full garb twice now, my theory has been proven. Any of you who concur, feel free to add your own experiences.
God I love this city.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
All I'm sayin'...
...is The Bachelor: Paris begins on January 9, 2006. You best know I'm going to try my hardest to blog the sh*t out of it. But it all depends on the cast. Pray to Baby Jesus that it's good, so I can keep you (and myself) entertained by writing a weekly update.
Hope your Chrismakahkwanzaa's are good.
Stay tuned...you'll have a little belated holiday treat in your inbox on the morning of January 10, 2006.
Until then, does anyone know of a good worker's comp lawyer? I got a paper cut today at work, and I'm looking to sue someone.
Lovingly,
Mike
Hope your Chrismakahkwanzaa's are good.
Stay tuned...you'll have a little belated holiday treat in your inbox on the morning of January 10, 2006.
Until then, does anyone know of a good worker's comp lawyer? I got a paper cut today at work, and I'm looking to sue someone.
Lovingly,
Mike
Sunday, November 13, 2005
i wasn't kidding...
...when i said i got random, disastrous messages from people who happen to be located in the eastern hemisphere. please see below, but be forewarned that it is EXTREMELY upsetting. please note his superb writing/grammar skills. and also the fact that i might have to report him to the chinese government. reading this makes me feel dirty.
----
hi Mike love
Message:
hi i am a gay guy from China. buttom gay.you know?when i watching your pic i am fall in love with you i really love you please!15yrs old. Now I am looking for a good,successful man to give me real love. care me and look after me.otherwise i need a his kind-hearted for me to pay of my education in US because the education in China is very bad. i can't stand it.!i am lonely that i need a man to love me. i can have sex with you as well.cau you help me and love me?if you want please send a message to my (random email address deleted here) or (deleted again) and icq is (deleted). can you dear? i beg you !i really want to be with you!you attract me so much.i really want you need you love you madly and deeply!
----
hi Mike love
Message:
hi i am a gay guy from China. buttom gay.you know?when i watching your pic i am fall in love with you i really love you please!15yrs old. Now I am looking for a good,successful man to give me real love. care me and look after me.otherwise i need a his kind-hearted for me to pay of my education in US because the education in China is very bad. i can't stand it.!i am lonely that i need a man to love me. i can have sex with you as well.cau you help me and love me?if you want please send a message to my (random email address deleted here) or (deleted again) and icq is (deleted). can you dear? i beg you !i really want to be with you!you attract me so much.i really want you need you love you madly and deeply!
Monday, November 07, 2005
Anti-Weirdo Device Needed
As a follow-up to to the previous post, the copious random Friendster messages from horny chicks have more or less ended. In the "Who I want to meet" section (which should read "Whom I want to meet," thankyouverymuch), I referenced my preference for the man-types.
The messages have, however, been replaced by random friend requests from the denizens of many Asian/South Pacific countries. The most popular, as of now, are the Philippines, India, China and Taiwan.
No, I don't want to be in your "network." And no, I don't want to be your friend. I always hated penpals as a youngster, and that's pretty much what a random Friendster from Manila will amount to.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
The messages have, however, been replaced by random friend requests from the denizens of many Asian/South Pacific countries. The most popular, as of now, are the Philippines, India, China and Taiwan.
No, I don't want to be in your "network." And no, I don't want to be your friend. I always hated penpals as a youngster, and that's pretty much what a random Friendster from Manila will amount to.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
E-politics...
So my profile on Friendster says I'm looking for "friends." This is clearly a problem. For the first time since mid-college, girls are taking interest in me--okay, so certain girls quit trying in high school when I received the superlative, "Broadway Bound," but many females thought I was on their market for quite some time. Take Friendster, for instance. Chicks on that site dig me since my status has gone from "In a Relationship" to "Single." Amazing.
Case in point: today I received a message from, oh, we'll call her Jocelyn. She messaged me and wrote, "You're adorable." Admittedly, I love a good compliment, but come on. Jocelyn is originally from Southhampton. Under affiliations, she lists Young Republicans Club.
Simply unacceptable. Does she know I'm partial to men? Does she know that her people hate me?
Oh the politics of Friendster. What is a man to do? Does one suck it up and put "Relationship Men," "Dating Men" on his profile in fear of the inevitable barrage from e-stalkers? Does one hope that those savvy Friendster users will be able to de-code "Friends" as meaning, "Okay, I'm gay, but I just don't want to be on the e-market too much. And I wouldn't mind making out with you if you're hot, smart, funny, and basically perfect. But you have to be a man."? Maybe I'll contact my Friendster peeps and persuade them to put the previous sentences as a new category.
Comments? Advice? Do I write Jocelyn and the other chicks back describing the fact that their efforts will be fruitless?
Case in point: today I received a message from, oh, we'll call her Jocelyn. She messaged me and wrote, "You're adorable." Admittedly, I love a good compliment, but come on. Jocelyn is originally from Southhampton. Under affiliations, she lists Young Republicans Club.
Simply unacceptable. Does she know I'm partial to men? Does she know that her people hate me?
Oh the politics of Friendster. What is a man to do? Does one suck it up and put "Relationship Men," "Dating Men" on his profile in fear of the inevitable barrage from e-stalkers? Does one hope that those savvy Friendster users will be able to de-code "Friends" as meaning, "Okay, I'm gay, but I just don't want to be on the e-market too much. And I wouldn't mind making out with you if you're hot, smart, funny, and basically perfect. But you have to be a man."? Maybe I'll contact my Friendster peeps and persuade them to put the previous sentences as a new category.
Comments? Advice? Do I write Jocelyn and the other chicks back describing the fact that their efforts will be fruitless?
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