The Bermuda Triangle of Boring

After one full week of filming in Emily's hometown, we're off to an island because it's super important that Ricki Bobby (the daughter) isn't disrupted during the show. So we're going to an island in the middle of the ocean. Because that's close to her house. And not disruptive at all. And stuff.

The first date goes to Biceps McGee...I mean Doug, the dad from Seattle. They walk around, write a postcard to his son, and do some good, old-fashioned fault swapping. What is "fault swapping" you ask? It's where you tell each other your shortcomings. For example: "I'm too good of a dad." Or "I do errands in my pajamas." Wow, clearly Doug and Emily are the worst human beings on the planet. And because he's so horrible, he gets a rose. But I'm going on the record right now and saying Doug has some skeletons in his closet and he may or may not have a tendency of throwing women down stairs or something. In addition, he "never makes the first move." Um...are you a dude? They don't kiss. It's ridiculous.

Next up is the group date. We're sailing, and only one team will get to spend the evening with Emily. It's red versus yellow, and there's a regatta at stake. Yellow wins, so that means that Ryan, Jef, Arie and Kalon get more time with Emily. So...Arie goes first and they totally make out. Next up, my predicted dark horse, Jef. They chill on the beach and connect a bit, but don't kiss and Emily is totally bummed out. It must be the Mormon in him. Ryan is next, and he woos her with nice comments like "you need to hold yourself to a high standard," and "you need to take care of yourself because if you don't you'll be obese." Okay, I made the obese part up, but the other stuff stands. Ryan is quickly usurping Kalon's title of House Villain by being a douche at all times. At the end of the night, the rose goes to Jef. Big hair, for the win!

During the two-on-one, the guys have man time at home and Doug apparently says something about 25-year-olds not having their sh*t together, and Chris takes offense.

The next date is the dreaded two-on-one. She picks two good guys, and I don't envy them one bit. Nate and John get to share Emily for an incredibly awkward day, and...well...it's just awkward. This is truly the Bermuda Triangle of boring. The triangular lovers go on a boat cruise, jump from cliffs and share a non-dinner in some random cave. By "share a non-dinner" I mean they don't eat at all, and Nate refers to the quinoa (pronounced "keen-wah") as Key Noah. Yes, Key Noah is a great fiber, according to Nate. Umm...no. Also, no. During his one-on-one time with Emily, Nate continues his word vomit by spewing forth randomisms about his life and then he cries about him family. Nate, you can't cry on a first date. You just can't. Then, John shines (compared to Nate) by being slightly boring and standoffish. John gets the rose.

At the rose ceremony, Chris takes his opportunity to confront Doug on being a wife-beating-piece-of-poo d-bag because he apparently hates people under 30. Chris seems to get his point across, although Doug just plays his perfect "I'm a good dad" role and nothing happens. Later, Ryan has man time with Michael, the pony-tailed dude from Austin, and says something about using his time on the show to position himself for experiences in the future, like being the bachelor from Augusta. Um...no. Your jaw can barely fit on screen this season, we can't possibly try to fit that mess into 12 episodes this winter. There are only so many wide-screens to accommodate that mess. You suck.

Roses go to:
1) Doug
2) Jef
3) John "Wolf"
4) Sean
5) Arie
6) Travis
7) Chris
8) Ryan
9) Kalon
10) Alejandro. Seriously?

Byeeee: Nate, Charlie, Michael

Awards:
1) Best fault: "I'm too good of a dad." - Doug. Wow, you must be horrible.
2) Best weave: Emily's weave at the rose ceremony. No ponytail is that thick. Or that blonde.
3) Frontrunner: Arie
4) Dark horse: Jef

Until next week,
Mike