Czech it out

By the title of this post, guess where we are? If you haven't guessed, I can't do it anymore.

The first date goes to Arie. The title of their date is "Let's Czech it Out." Emily and Arie czech out the city--Arie in a cute outfit and Emily in a tranny mess of an get-up, complete with bedazzled short shorts and cowboy boots. Totally appropriate, right? The date is cute and fun, except for the fact that Emily has recently found out that Arie once dated a producer working on set for about five minutes eight years ago. And then she goes to Crazy Town. She plays games, passively questions Arie about his loyalty and trustworthiness, and it's frankly annoying. Arie, completely confused, doesn't fall for her passive bait. But, Chris Harrison lovingly informs us that--off camera--they discuss the issue and decide it's fine. Why is it fine? Because she loves him and they kiss like crazy. A few comments, though. Emily's staged interview with Cassie, the former lady friend/current producer, is amazing and totally unscripted. Also, Arie confesses he's in love with Emily later that night. It's the first "I love you" people! Amazing. Too early, no?

The next date is with John. Let's be honest, they haven't connected and it's make-it-or-break-it time. Does he knock it out of the park? No. They paint a wall, they barely lock a lock (don't ask) and they share an incredibly boring dinner. Dude needs to show some personality, because at this point, the only personality we're getting from John is from his pink shirt and preppy belt. Cute...but not enough to compensate for his bore galore persona. John, I wanted to root for you, but you're making it awfully yawnable to do so.

Later, when John returns, Sean, smelling a woman in need, sneaks out to search the streets for Emily. Again, this delightfully unscripted (i.e. TOTALLY SCRIPTED) moment is fabulous. Sean searches the historic streets calling out for his love, and Emily, perfectly placed by the producers, unknowingly awaits her suitor in a beautifully-lit alleyway. Sean and Emily share an impromptu beer at the bar the producers bought out for them, and then proceed to make out like they're entering the set of a porn. I'm talking hot and heavy, mouth-eating kissing, including some nearly R-rated hip-thrusting action. Yowza.

The group date goes to Sean, Doug and Chris. First off, Chris is pissed and all he wants is time with Emily. But first things first. Doug gets kicked off in a hot minute. Emily basically takes him aside and says they're not connecting. But first, Doug embarrassingly leans in for a kiss after she says she'd been hoping for a connection. It was awful. Five minutes later, he was gone. And he totally cried in the car ride home. What a girl (in a nice, non-sexist way, of course). Later, Sean and Emily connect more than Chris and Emily, and Sean gets a rose. Chris's blood boils. The end.

The last date goes to Jef. Frankly, he's too smart and cute for Emily (says one handsome co-viewer), and I agree. Also, her tassled boots look fugly. The beginning of the date is scary, because they go to a marionette store. Let's be honest, marionettes are scary. Later, they take their marionettes to a library and do a puppet show that forces me to drink uncontrollably while vomiting and dying inside. Granted, this makes Jef look like a total softy and cutest guy ever (since he's apparently a budding puppeteer), but it's awkward. Until Jef says he's "1,000,000% in love with her" followed by, "can we get a dog together?" Okay, fine. It's cute. And I hate that I secretly loved this.

Later, Jef and Emily canoodle a bit more in the library, thankfully sans puppets. He tells her about his Mormon family, including parents who are "committed to some stuff in South Carolina for two years" (wait, what?). Red flag? Then they talk about moving in together prior to marriage. And then they talk about when they want kids...and we quickly devolve into playing house. I'm pretty sure Emily and Jef just want to fall in pretend love and make half-Mormon babies. But then we end with "I wanna date you so hard and marry the sh*t out of you." Awk and awesome all at once. Is Jef for real? Or are his outfits just cute?

At the rose ceremony, Emily looks like a Disney cartoon disaster as she wears a purple sparkly dress. Emily, as any princess should, has an opinion and will not need the cocktail party to chat with the boys.  Chris doesn't take this well and cries to the camera.

Then Emily comes out and says "y'all" 14 times and gives roses to:

Roses go to:
1) Sean
2) Jef
3) Arie

Wait, we're interrupted mid-ceremony by Chris. He tells her things.

4) Chris

Byeee: Doug and John

Awards:
1) Frontrunner: Arie
2) Tied dark horses: Sean (sexy and bone-worthy) and Jef (practical best friend)
3) Just around for the hell of it: Chris
4) Potentially sketchy creepster: Chris

Until next week,

Mike