"I'm gonna go West Virginia, back woods, hood rat on his a$$"

We've flown from sunny Bermuda to bad-teethed London. Emily is under the weather, if you'd call what London has "weather," but she has to get through three dates this week.

The first one-on-one goes to Sean. They take a tour of the city, do other things like inevitably talking how many kids he wants...and he gets a rose. Honestly, it was not memorable.

During the one-on-one, Kalon shows his true colors to Jef and Arie sensing the impending doom that he'll be on another group date. He says that if a guy were to end up with Emily, pretty much every date would be a group date. Um...no. Rude. But true.

The group date includes Doug, Arie, Chris, John, Travis, Ryan, Alejandro and Kalon. They perform Shakespeare in front of Brits lacking dental hygiene. It was heinous and awesome all at once. Kalon takes it a bit too seriously, and Emily proclaims that he "needs to lighten up--he's too intense." Ryan and Travis get to perform the role of Romeo, while Doug and Arie are relegated to women's roles. It's darn funny.

Later, they end up at Cox's Yard (cue the jokes even though it's a pub) and the gloves come off. But first, kisses. Arie and Emily make out and fall more in love; Ryan gives her a fugly necklace; and Kalon tells his boys that he's bummed about the "exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her." Jigga WHAT?!? Ricki Bobby is baggage? Oh hell to the no! After Doug tells Emily what happened, girlfriend's gloves (fake nails) come off. In her own words: "I'm gonna go West Virginia, back woods, hood rat on his ass." And she does. After barely giving him a chance to explain himself, Emily dismisses Kalon with these choice words: "Get the f*ck out." End scene. (No rose is handed out.) See ya later, Kalon. Best of luck as a "luxury consultant" at a non-existent firm in Houston.

The last date goes to Mr. Fashion, Jef. He rocks a killer outfit and truly nails his position as Best Dressed. The lovers start out at a traditional afternoon tea which is over coached by their hostess, Ms. Jean. The lovers soon ditch the tradition for some pints and fish and chips. Jef consoles Emily about the Kalon incident by saying that if Ricki Bobby is referred to as baggage then she is a Chloe handbag. Oh dear. Um...Jef...no straight man talks about Chloe handbags. Like...I'm getting nervous. You're impeccably dressed, your hair is perfectly-coiffed, and you've yet to kiss Emily. Are you looking for a second opinion, even though your fashion sense is flawless? Gurl, do you have something hiding in your organized closet? Is there something to confess? Nah...I think Jef is a good guy, and he confirms that later in the night, after their dinner in the London Eye. He takes things slowly, maybe in a gay way, but he's a good guy and he likes her. He could be a dark horse. He gets a rose.

At the rose ceremony, Ryan is a douche, Arie gets called out for not standing up for Emily when Kalon was a d-bag, and nothing else happens (besides another good outfit by Jef).

Roses go to:
1) Sean
2) Jef
3) Doug
4) Ryan
5) Chris
6) John
7) Travis
8) Arie

Byeeeeee: Kalon and Alejandro. Kalon is a d-bag, and Alejandro wasn't meant for this world. He's a mushroom farmer for baby Jesus's sake.

Awards:
1) Best dressed: Jef
2) Biggest country-fed hood rat: Emily
3) Quote: Emily's "hood rat" gem.

Until next week,
Mike