Trophy Wife. Brought to us by "Brave," the new Pixar film.

This week we're in Croatia. What better place for a cross-promotion of a Pixar film? Ugh, ABC, why are you doing this to us this season? First the Titanic in 3D, and now Brave? I can't. Seriously. But on to the dates.

The first date goes to Travis, the non-personality from Mississippi. Besides knowing some dirt on him from his former fiancee, there is nothing memorable about this fool. The date is boring, although he rates it a ten (pronounced "tin") on a scale of eight. Because that's normal. He gets kicked off.

The group date features John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie. And since we're in Croatia, why not don Scottish kilts and perform the Highland Games, a tradition native to Scotland? We're in Croatia people...let's do Croatian things. Like...um...okay maybe doing Scottish stuff is fine because what's Croatian? But still...this is ridiculous. (Obviously it's because of the cross-promotion of the ridiculous animated movie, but whatever.) Anyway...the Highland Games feature boys in kilts riding donkeys and throwing things. Sean is good at tossing logs, Chris is bad at shooting arrows, and other silly details. At the end of the day, Chris gets the Bravest award for frankly being bad at everything and Emily felt bad for him. Later, Arie and Emily share more cinematic kisses and Chris tells Emily he "could" love her. He gets the rose. 


The last date goes to Spray Tan McGee. Ryan, not afraid of wearing women's tank tops (apparently), is all fired up and oddly-shaven for his date with Emily. The date starts with awkward small talk in front of all the guys, for which the guys mock him as they leave. Arie, appropriately, says "Ryan is a dick," a statement with which we all wholeheartedly agree. First, they share freshly-caught oysters from the sea, and Emily spits hers out as all ladies should. Um...what? It's an oyster. Eat it. Later, Ryan talks about how she's a trophy wife, and he reads her his top 12 qualities he hopes for in a wife, which include: loyal, logical, and a servant. Yes. A SERVANT. Thank you Ryan, for not surprising any of us. We all knew you wanted a woman with no original thoughts who would do anything and any time for you, but really? You couldn't pretend? At the end of the date, Emily sends him home after some begging (an amazing attempt) on behalf of Ryan. He tried some mind games, but our sweet Botoxed Emily might just be smarter than we done pegged her for. 


Later, Arie consoles her in her bed. Awesome. She secretly gives her a rose, and it's awesome. 


At the rose ceremony, a bedazzled (again, because she wore sequins on every date this episode) Emily--after being unable to kick anyone off and making a case for keeping six guys--gives roses to:

1) Chris
2) Sean
3) Jef
4) Arie
5) Doug
6) John

Byeeeeee: Travis, Ryan. Best of luck with your facial-hair-shaping business in Augusta.

Awards:
1) Quote: "How you say you don't wanna be a trophy wife and you come lookin' like that?" Ryan. One point for amazing grammar; two points for forcing her into a traditional and demeaning gender role.
2) Runner-up quote: "When you're looking at me, you're lookin' at a winner." Ryan. Except we're looking at a loser.
3) Frontrunner: Arie. Jef is in second.
4) Guy she most wants to bone: Sean

Until next week,

Mike